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 l
Vtt TOGO
BY P.C VEY

^PRIL 2000

v
\T$ OK/ 60 A W & A O / WF O/VLV USE "^F

D E P A R T M E N T S
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:
Random Samplings of Reader Mai

TEEN EYED MONSTER DEPARTMENT:

"Dudson's Geeks" (A MAD TV Satire).

THE MAUL OF THE WILD DEPARTMENT:

A MAD Peek Behind the Scenes
Editor's Note at the Discovery Channel 11
As you probably already know, America Online has
purchased t h e parent company of MAD Magazine, Time
SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:
Warner. In t h e future i t will be known as AOL Time Warner. A MAD Look at the Courts 12
The question arises: Will MAD continue t o be hard on AOL,
poking fun a t every phase of i t s operation, as i t has since
EMOTE CONTROL DEPARTMENT:
AOL came into being? The Logic Behind Men's and Women's
The answer, of course, is a definite YESl We, t h e editors
TV Viewing Choices 16
of MAD, are a fearless l o t , and nothing here has, or

will, change!
TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT:
Of course, i t will be harder t o poke fun a t AOL, given their
Slithering Heights. 19
dramatic improvement m service. We're not sure if t h a t
is due t o t h e millions they have spent (wisely) in buying
brand new s t a t e - o f - t h e - a r t equipment. Or perhaps i t JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:

is AOL's outstanding leadership, s t a r t i n g with i t s brilliant Spy Vs. Spy. 20

founder, 5tephen Case (Or as we prefer t o call him, our
buddy, 5teve.) THE SCHMUCKS STOP HERE DEPARTMENT:
No, our sights will n o t be lowered, our guns will not be Melvin and Jenkins'
unloaded! We will still t a r g e t online services, especially Guide to Hobbies 22
t h o s e REAL crappy ones like Prodigy and Juno. You know
what we mean-, t h e online services t h a t REALLY suck.
The ones t h a t could take a lesson from t h e leader in
online services, AOL!
Fearlessly yours, *f h e E d i t o r s
 CLASSIC MAD ARTICLES
In Full Color
For The First Time
J U S T LOOK AT
THE AMAZING
DIFFERENCE!
BEFORE COLOR...

AFTER COLOR...

H A ! TO SEE IT
IN COLOR YOU HAVE TO

BUY MAD COLOR CLASSICS!

ON SALE NOW!
 MORE DEPARTMENTS

BIO BEWARE DEPARTMENT:

AMD's All-Purpose Cliche Script
forWHVs Behind The Music m

ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT:

Monroe &...The Lawsuit 26

BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:

The Lishter Side of 29

TRUTH EXTRACTION DEPARTMENT:

Half Fact/Whole Fact 33

BABEZ N THE SAINTHOOD DEPARTMENT:

If Mother Teresa Was a Gangster Rapper 35

BEHIND THE EDUCATE BALL DEPARTMENT:

What Really Goes on at Those
Teachers Conferences........ 36

AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHARD'S DEPARTMENT:

Telecon*USA 38

Q & A-HOLES DEPARTMENT:

"Boobs Want To Be A Millionaire"
(Another AAAD TV Satire) 39

A DOLT'S EDUCATION DEPARTMENT:

The Spending Annex Spring Catalog 45

1904
THIS MONTH GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT:
Ted Head Cheese
IN HISTORY
Invents Head Cheese MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
APRIL 1947
Spaceship
Betting Odds 48
Carrying Actor
James Woods
1215 Crashes To Earth MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
Nostradamus lO 11 12 13 14 15
Predicts Millions "Drawn Out Dramas" Various Places
17 18 19 2 0 21 2 2
Will Be Ripped by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine
Off By The
2 3 2 4 2 5 26, 28 29
Psychic Friends
Hotline
1942
1993 Joe Calamia
Bill Clinton "AH lawyers are cut from
Becomes First NYC
Introduces First All- Cabbie To Give A
the same cloth — fleece!"
You-Can-Eat Nun The Finger
Dessert Bar At
White House State FRONT COVER ARTIST: C.F. PAYNE
Dinner
BACK COVER ARTIST: SCOTT BRICHER
BACK COVER WRITER: DARREN JOHNSON
 «t»*I£fo HOWTOR^nSdenCe
P,e
-to- MAD, D ^ L * He* York

SHOOTING HIS MOUTH OFF

%«s** v STOMP THE INSANITY'

Re: Issue #388's "MAD Looks at
What's o n the Back of 3'our Ticket"
In MAD #389's "The 20 Dumbest People,
Events a n d Things of 1999" you lash out in
#16 at "Random Acts of Senseless Violence."
I see why one would think this is dumb,
Riverdance stub. Obviously there are
DATE MAO, n o Irish step dancers on y o u r staff!
a n d I agree. It was the second half that
bothered m e where you wrote "And as long
On the very first page of issue #389, A n y o n e knows that "Lord of the Dance"
as the NRA has Congress in its pocket, nut
u n d e r the Mad logo, the date reads is "Stompity Stomp Stompa" a n d
jobs will have easy access to guns and the
"January 1900." Is this a result of the "Riverdance" is "Tikaty Tikki Tikki."
body count will rise." How could 5'ou possi-
dreaded Y2K bug, or did you just slip You are getting t h e shows mixed up!
bly blame these acts of violence on the
that in so schmucks like m e would NRA? The NRA's sole purpose is to preserve
write letters like this about how goofy Steve Turner, Portland, OR
the values of our founding fathers who
you are? Steverino — Au contraire, it is YOU who wrote the Constitution. Congress has noth-
have mis-stepped with your missive! It ing to do with it. Do you think m a k i n g
Jack Hornsby, Mandeville, LA just so happens that MAD's own Duck anti-gun laws will prevent psychopaths
Jackie — We wish we were that clever. In Edwing (Formerly Ireland's favorite son from going nuts a n d killing people? Did
truth, our entire Y2K compliance pro- Duck O'Edwing, before coming to t h e already present law, which required g u n
gram was run by none other than that America and changing his name for pro- owners to restrict access of their guns from
bumbling idiot Godfrey. We thought we fessional reasons) was the original Lord their children stop those children from
had stopped the presses in time, but it's of the Dance. Duck assures us that firing upon their peers in Littleton on April
clear that you got one of the copies with "Stompity Stomp Stompa" is the correct 20th? The answer to both questions is no!
1900 in it. We contacted famed logogra- sound effect for Lord of the Dance. Had I know you won't print this on your letters
pher and misprint expert Hans Brickface it been "Klippity Klippity Klop," we page, because it criticizes your magazine.
of Han's Bric-A-Brac & Boo-Boos and would have been referencing the special
asked him to assess what such an issue All-Equestrian Lord of the Dance produc- Thomas Morris IV, Thorofare, NJ
would fetch at auction. A startled and tion, currently on tour in the former
Soviet Union. Tikity Tikki Ta Ta! —Ed. Tommy-Boy — It's rare that a single letter can
delighted Brickface said he wouldn't sell
make us do a 180° turn on our long-held core
that issue at auction for under $3,000. It
beliefs. But such is the case with your missive.
looks like the new millennium is getting
We now have to announce that we have
off to a Y2ok start for you! Thanks for
become 100% pro guns. It was somewhere
writing! —Ed.
halfway through your insipid diatribe that we
wished with every bone in our body that we
in fact owned a gun and could load it, put it
to our heads and pull the trigger, thus ending
LIVE AND LET DIORAMA our misery once and for all, as we curl up in
the eternal bliss that is the sweet, sweet
darkness of death. Oh lordy, come save us
We at MAD love getting mail, cause now from this insufferable bore! Oh, wait!
we never know what little gem of a We have a better idea, why don't you go and
surprise will be in the package. For shoot yourself — that's a fine and dandy
example, just the other day, the post- idea! Thanks for writing! —Ed.
man delivered a package from Mike
"Sport" Murphy from Ronkonkoma,
NY. After being swept by the MAD CCUSE NOTES"
bomb squad (routine procedure),
we opened it up to discover a In MAD #388's "Absentee Excuse Notes
delightful diorama which we now Through History" I noticed the daughter
giddily present here. Nice job, Sport! of Jean-Paul Sartre is wearing a Fieldston
badge. I go to Fieldston a n d I a m glad you
have included our humble school in your
magazine. Did his daughter go to Fieldston?
If not, why did you put it in?

J a m e s deBoer, New York, NY

Jamie — The reason artist Mort Drucker put
the Fieldston badge in the picture is because
his granddaughter Katie Bachner is an out-
standing, straight-A student at that fine insti-
tution. As for whether or not Sartre's daughter
went there, we have no clue. We suggest you
try the alumni office! —Ed. Class of '86
 Ff s
3«f'

MAD

VISIT THE MAD WEB SITE!

http://www.madmag.com
'<*a»°ut • too <lufl*>*
•SKs***
What kind of reader sets a free subscription to MAD? One who sends in
a picture of himself with legendary pajama-clad Playboy publisher Hugh
Hefner, mainly, Ari Greenberg of Los Angeles, CA, who will receive a
MA
R.TY three-year subscription! Speaking of Playboy, another quasi-Celebrity
CCUBK«JY Snap from Jim Jeffers of Jacksonville, FL (he'll receive a one-year
subscription) features alleged Playboy'Girl of Summer Christina Kennedy. William M. Gaines
SNAPS . We're happy t o reprint it for our young male readers' enjoyment! founder
Jenette Kahn
president & editor-in-chief

Paul Levitz
executive vice president & publisher
Nick Meglin & John Ficarra
;«,:•.; editors

Editorial:
Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola
senior editors
David Shayne associate editor
Amy Vozeoias assistant editor
Dick DeBartolo creative consultant
Annie Gaines managing editor
Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed
publishing and associate publisher

Art Department:
Sam Viviano art director
Nadina Simon associate art director
publisher Hugh Hemer
Leonard Brenner graphics consultant
Thomas Nozkowski production
WORKING FOR PEANUTS THE CAT GOES "BARF" Maria Wyche production artist

In the January 2nd issue of People magazine, var- I have a n u n u s u a l p r o b l e m that o n l y Circulation:
ious cartoonists were asked to bid farewell to you guys c a n fix. I have seven cats, o n e Daniel Brown director-business development
Peanuts creator and writer Charles Schulz on his of w h o m h a s a frequent upset stomach. & mass market sales
retirement. Since they didn't ask us to contribute, While h e h a d t h e good taste to b e Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sales
we had to do it on the pages of our magazine. So s t a n d i n g over t h e J a n u a r y 2000 issue Administration:
we reprint this Jack Rickard illustrated cover from (#389), h e s i m u l t a n e o u s l y h a d t h e b a d
MAD #138 and send best wishes to Charles Patrick Caldon vp-finance & operations
taste to throw u p o n t h e page with # 7 Alison Gill exec, director -manufacturing
Schulz and the entire Peanuts gans! a n d # 8 of t h e MAD "20 Dumbest Lillian Laserson vp & general counsel
People, Events, a n d T h i n g s of 1999."
How's c h a n c e s of you guys s e n d i n g m e Contributing Artists
a n o t h e r copy of that issue?
And Writers
Sue C u n n i n g h a m , Waynesville, NC the usual gang of idiots

Suzy-Q — How's chances? How's chances 024 9319)

K „ 1700 B
of you getting a free issue? Your chances ita3e paid«
of setting a free issue are just slightly
better than a kitten's chances of survival
after beins sat o n b y that fat chick from
The Practice, Camryn Manthishs! But they
are significantly better than geek-faced
Steve Forbes chances of beins elected
President! You follow? —Ed.
 TEEN EYED MONSTER DEPT.

I'm Dudson Leering! Many TV viewers know me This show is in its third season Anyway, gang, 1_
as the hottest teen star on the WB network! and getting very tired! But welcome to my
Others call me that schmuck in the rowboat! In next season should be exciting! creek! Welcome
to my series! Come
my case, WB stands for "Without Brains"! Okay, They're finally going to air meet my equally
here's my story: I'm a sensitive, troubled the viewers' most requested disturbed buddies...
teen on TV! Wow! THERE'S a new concept! episode: "Dudson Tips Over"!

I'm Jody Plotter! Dudson and I have been

sleeping in the same bed since we were
small children! When we werefinally m
mature enough to do something more
interesting than just sleep, Dudson
fell in love with film and Steven
Spielberg! I think the only way he'll
do me now is if I'm dressed as E.T.!
 Vucf^tJ's 0£€KS
Um^ %?SH
I'm Pasty Wusser, Dudson's quirky I'm Jem, the town This is a TV series that totally
best friend! I'm moody, I'm tramp! I'm a bad girl speaks to my generation!
cynical, I'm part of the "dating from New York City
%S^T challenged"! In this series about who's done some Gee, 1 didn't
film and film students I fit right serious partying! The realize that
in! I'm about as exciting as a bumper sticker on my "Dumb and Blonde"
was considered
>m*
multiplex theater seat cup car reads: "Been
holder - but not as useful! there, done him!" a generation!

W^

'-*

{fjf

In this Yeah, I've Hey, that's great! What happened?

series, noticed!
Let me put it this way: Democratic
everyone Although [_ N 0 t reallyl candidates Al Gore and Bill This time
who they did They had me Gore and
cast me in Bradley had a town hall meeting
matters involved in Bradley
is one of the a "sail-by with the people of Clapside!
fell
white! episodes! shooting"! They talked to the residents
asleep!
and listened to their problems!

1
{\VM
^>
Dudson, It's What 14 r i By the way. how does it feel to Grams, this Oh. goodness - ---, Put a 'm bored! Can't
is it better happened be the only gay guy in Clapside? is the here it comes... . I sock in • you make yourself

1
strange than to YOU lastl scene useful like other
having the week... In a way I'm lucky! The Hump! Pubic! Blondie!
alter- where 1 TV teens? Why
two having writing staff's handling it shock Penis!
women native... don't you go
two GUYS tastefully! If we were on you with Jerkin' You're out and beat
fight fight Fox we'd probably build a the not
over What's over you! bad
words! up vampires or
whole episode around gherkin! shocked?
you? that?
the word "Dinghy"!

I know you Son, that's why I brought you Face it, Dudson!
have your That's right. Dad! All down here! If you look out there It's the same
heart set we have in town is you'll learn what that life is thing here
on moving Norman Rockwell charm going to be like out in Hollywood! as the movie
to L.A. to and picture postcard studios!
be a beauty! I've gotta get
•
filmmaker! out of this hellhole! Sharks in
both places!

Hey! Wow, cool! Cue Your work's No. I'm saying you'll never make
Steven 1 was in New England the violins! stale and Bummer! MOVIES in Hollywood! But there is
Spiel- •^ for a Jaws retro- It's like Obi- derivative! It So you're a place for a young man of your
berg! spective! I heard Wan talking
to Luke Sky- tries to be fresh saying limited vision and cliched talent!
What're you were a great
you walker! So, and hip but has I'll never It's directing a teen drama on the
film student, so
doing screened all what do all the brains make it WB! Start with a long shot of a kid
here? you think? of an Adam in Holly- in a boat! Come in on him looking
your projects! wood...?
Sandler film! "wistful"! Then cue up cheesy music.
 THE MAUL OF THE WILD DEPT ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: MICHAEL GALLAGHER

a MAD Peek
Behind the Scenes
at the Discovery CHANNEL
 S E R 6 E I N GENERAL D E P T

12 ARTIST AND WRITER. SERCIO AitACONES

13
14
 EMOTE CONTROL PEPT.

We have it o n no less an authority than the author of

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus that the
male and female of our species are so different, it's like
they're from totally different planets! They act differently,
they think differently and they even watch the same
TV shows for d i f f e r e n t reasons. See for yourself i n . . .

ARTISTS: RICK GEARY AND KEITH SEIDEI

Females —— Males
Tune in to See... Tune in to See.
 Females Males
Tune in to See... Tune in to See...

...Expert advice on collectibles ...The remote chance of learning the exact

...Interesting family stories present-day value of those comic books
their mother tossed out years ago
...Fascinating antiques from ...The pathetic look saps get on their face
around the world when they find out that their precious heir-
loom isn't worth diddly squat
 Females
Tune in to See...

.Home renovation ideas .Phony-baloney new projects

isfi
.How-to tips they can use to stay out in
the garage for days
.Interior decorating advice

Females Males
Tune in to See... Tune in to See.

atWft

.The unspoiled beauty of nature .Animals boinking

.Animals in their own habitat .Animals taking a dump
.Animals ripping other animals
to shreds and eating them alive

LADIES
7&
mmPi Females
Tune in to See..
Males
Tune in to See.

F>'

.Graceful skating ...Revealing costume wedgies

.Elegant hairstyles ...Ass-bruising ice falls
.Professionally choreographed ...Another Nancy/Tonya-type dust-up
routines
r~ 7.7
• ()

ARTIST AND WRITER: PUCK ED WING

 JOKE A N D DAGGER DEPT

20
ARTIST: PETER KUPER
 x&

s» "

WRITER: MICHAEL GALLAGHER

 T H E SCHMUCKS STOP HERE DEPT.

M E L V I N lessens the mint book value of his

baseball card collection with his habit of drawing
JENKINS sometimes looks through his old
thick black X's on the faces of every player who dies.
baseball cards and relives the thrills the
players have given him over the years.

E N K I N
e „ J ? i s n o R o d i n > b ut his clay
sculptures get better and better with practice.

22
--^^~£^^ii£
 JE
f J £ , N S x a n o f t e n b e f o u nd on ebav com"
shoppmg for that once-in-a-lifetime findL

9
Jenkins

JENKINS has one shelf in his home devoted to his

collection of vintage first editions of great books. MELVIN measures the wobble under his kitchen
table, walks into the antique bookshop and says,
"Gimme about three inches of Tolstoy!"

MELVIN also hosts a large personal collection of

inseSLbut it's not exactly what you'd call a hobby.

JENKINS carefully pins~his collection of exotic butterflies,

and displays the most beautiful specimens under glass.
ARTIST: KEVIN POPE WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN 23
 BIO BEWARE DEPT.

|««r-.-\ i If you've ever watched VH1 for more than, oh, 10 minutes, you've
seen one of its irritating Behind the Music specials — one-hour
"rockumentaries" looking back on the fast times and high life of
some washed-up music star. At first glance, they seem like
painstakingly researched, carefully written shows. But watch a
MAD's All-Purpose
couple of them, and you'll start to notice that no matter who the
show is about, every subject's story is eerily similar to every-
one else's. It's as if each episode were being written from...
Cliche Script for
v , n d t h e r e was something t h a t
r*OCK STAR) v a s a c h i l d , t n e r
& VOICE OVER: «s e^p2a ?r a(tH
e dI M
(HIM/HEK;
/ H E R ) ifrom
x v » tv*~
h e ~r e s t .
(HE/SHE) always wanted t o be t h e c e n t e r of a t t e n t i o n . We a l l knew
TJUKNOWN r i g h t t h e n t h a t (ROCK STAR) would leave (HIS/HER) mark on t h e world.
FAMILY FRIEND:
(ROCK STAR)'s stormy t e e n y e a r s provided much of t h e i n s p i r a t i o n
^
VOICE OVER: for l y r i c s t h a t would one day address t h e a n g s t , i n s e c u r i t i e s and
ASH u n c e r t a i n t i e s of a f u t u r e g e n e r a t i o n .
u n c e r t a i n t i e s or a i u ^ v ...
I n h i g h school, (ROCK STAR) Just f e l t a l i e n a t e d from everyone -
FORMER parents...peers.,.even members of t h e opposite sex. But looking back, I
HIGH SCHOOL t h i n k t h a t a l i e n a t i o n made f e r t i l e ground for (HIS/HER) c r e a t i v e seeds.
BOY/GIRLFRIEND: t h i n k t h a t a l i e n a t i o n
- - ™a\ f a ^ i Y a n ( j ^he o v e r -
Despite t h e l a c k of s u p p o r t from (HIS/HER) family and t h e over'
VOICE OVER: whelming odds a g a i n s t success i n t h e competitive music i n d u s t r y ,
(ROCK STAR) was p r e p a r e d t o face t h e s t r u g g l e head o n .

J u s t when i t seemed a l l hope was l o s t , (ROCK STAR)'s long-awaited f i r s t

VOICE OVER:
ooppppo r t u n i t y came knocKxue,.
knocking.
When I f i r s t ' e a r d (ROCK STAR)'s demo, I knew ('E/SHE) had something
SOME RECORD GUY! out of t h e o r d ' n a r y . I t h o u g h t , "Who i s t h i s (GUY/GIRL)?"

I c o u l d n ' t b e l i e v e i t . After a l l t h e l o n e l y n i g h t s , missed meals and

BOCK STAR:
weeks w i t h o u t a paycheck I f i n a l l y l a n d e d a t number 17 on t h e Bill-
board c h a r t s . Here's me (ROCK STAR), t h e awkward (BOY/GIRL) from t h e
•i:<
mean s t r e e t s of (ROCK STAR'S HOME CITY), and now I'm a s t a r — l i t e r a l -
ly overnight.
But a l l (HIS/HER) t i m e on t h e r o a d , coupled w i t h t h e demands from
VOICE OVER: p r o m o t e r s and t h e r e c o r d company, was b e g i n n i n g t o t a k e i t s t o l l

on (ROCK STAR)'s m a r r i a g e .
As (ROCK STAR)'s fame skyrocketed beyond (HIS/HER) dreams,
VOICE OVER: every form of p l e a s u r e f e l l e a s i l y w i t h i n (HIS/HER) r e a c h .
f o r o o1 px
— * - '-•>- -»* _ t h e r e was a l o

SOME ROADIE: - - ^ ^ - ^ ^ " - ^ t l

I mean, any ( W « * ^ U a . t even get to my hotel

„ r o l l into town * r the ^ ^ f ^ / 0 0 ^ * * £ £ *
BOCK STAR: U - without bodyguards Ther ^ ^ f i r s t , « after

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25
ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPT.
 Watch o u t Ally
McBeal and Judge
Judy! Our hero is
about to take the
witness stand.
Prepare for disorder
In the court.
 17*733? THAT
'AFTERNOON...

&

>~'~ ,

Cm

28
 BERGS-EYE VIEWDEPT
JUSTICE
You again!? Listen,
today's my birthday!
Give me a present and
just plead "Guilty," okay?

ARTIST AND WRITER; DAVE BERC

PREPAREDNESS
Open school week brings Really, ^ Things were very different ohH Only now we take
me back to the time Grandpa? in those days! We were we cover in case some
when I sat in this same That's involved in the Cold War still nut starts shoot-
room at these same desks! awesome! then, and we had to practice do l ing up the class!
taking cover under our desks that
in case of an atomic attack! today!

C U R R E N T EVENTS
Guess I'll Before ...first give me a
turn on the six you do chance to tell you
o'clock news! that, Dad.. MY side of the story! ""
 TRUTH EXTRACTION DEPT.

In this age of information, we're constantly bombarded by data which we blindly

accept as fact. But even the most seemingly straightforward of factoids can
be manipulated to fool you! Luckily, when the world conspires against
you, MAD is here to help by pulling back the curtain, letting the
truth shine in, and revealing the difference between . . .

WHOLE FACT
1FS1
7
HAIJFl ^ •
The phone number for
Every ten seconds the
human population the White House is
increases by 26 people. 202-456-1414.

Viewing "Veronica's Closet"

with all of Westchester County
would yield exactly one minor chuckle.

People laugh 30 times

more often when they
are in a group than
when they are alone.

ARTIVT TOM BUNK WRITER: BUTCH D AMBROSIO

33
 ^f«1

25% of bottled water

is packaged tap water.
(US News & World Report 4-12-99 page 63/
National Resources Defense Council)
 HALF FACT ,J FAC"
One third of all adult
: One tenth of all men
between 30 and 34 still Americans are overweight.
live with their parents. (Center for Disease Control)
(New York Daily News 4-18-99/US Census Bureau)

Nt\

'/rTli

ALFFAC HALFFACT
Bill Gates has enough
money to give $6.70 to There are 9,000 public
libraries in the "0*.S.
every person on the planet.
(Upside, 11-97, Bill Gates Net Worth Web Page) (Statistical Almanac of U.S. page 203)

** m
* He won't.
WHOLE FAC
Not one of them employs a librarian
who looks like a model when she lets
her hair down

Vomit still comes out at

WHOLE the same speed it always has..

HALF FACT
Using linear induction
motors, new roller coasters
can accelerate from 0 to 70
mph in less than four seconds.
(Business Week ,4-i2-99)
 BEHINP

BESIDES GETTING YOU AN OC

CASIONAL DAY 0¥¥ FRONV SCHOOL,
HAVE YOU EVER REALLY
THOUGHT A.BOUT TEACHERS'
CONFERENCES? YOU PROBABLY
XU\N< THEY SPEND THE
WHOLE DAY DISCUSSING THE
DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM AND
LEARNING THE LATEST FIRE
DRILL TECHNIQUES. NOT SO!
THAT'S WHY IN AN UNPRECE-
DENTED ACT OF INVESTIGA-
T I V E J O U R N A L I S M , THE
USUAL GANG OF DROPOUTS AT
MAD NOW RIP THE HD

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A bunch of them just cut the conference altogether,

sneak off to the bathroom and light up.

They gather for their semi-annual

reading of confiscated notes.

w They join in support groups to help them

better cope with hurtful nicknames.

ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL

 "'*»•»•»», W M C

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They let down their hair and do adult versions quizzes for maximum student stress.
of their favorite science experiments.

&i*mt*iMm$m&imi0H**" **» *«*"*9>M-m,im*L

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They employ role playing seminars to perfect their
Good Hall Monitor/Bad Hall Monitor techniques.

ilinirfrr^Tnrftmirwtr'"''"" "m " " ' ' i mummi"-nitinuwi

CATSUP/

Vo f 6 / WHAT DOVOU $HAY

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f.
TO SEARCH YOU FOR.
\ CRIB NOTES.

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ONW IF YOU PROMISE
\ To CLAP My ERASER

They attend student

communications workshops.
37
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38 WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO
 Q&A-HOLESDEPT.

In the summer of 1999, ABC introduced that would make even Suddenly Susan
a new concept in television. It was watchable! Er, maybe not...not unless
fresh...it was innovative...it was 42 Suddenly Susan added the other ele-
years old! A big-money quiz show that ment of this hit series — paying out a
brought back its contestants night after million bucks to some lucky putz!
night! But the show was only on TV for Because, let's face it, sitting home on
two weeks, then it was gone jp a sch~ ,,,u their Cheeto-stained couches, evem..

TT
LAST NIGHT! On Boobs Want to Be a Millionaire^. Hello! And WELCOME LAST night, we said goodbye to
We asked our usual eight questions in half to another night of Rob Westervelt, who LEFT with
an hour! Rhesus Pilibin shouted erratically Boobs Want To Be a $16,000! Unfortunately for Rob, m
P and inappropriately! We blasted the annoying Millionaire, the he called our 1 -800 contestant
*C£ music every 12 seconds! And the studio lights show that rewards line OVER AND OVER from his work
got turned on and off more often than the bulb people who prove number to make it on the show,
in Rosie O'Donnell's refrigerator! Tonight. that THEY possess and when his BOSS checked the
10 new contestants will compete for ONE unique SKILL and monthly phone log, Rob got FIRED
MILLION DOLLARS! And now your host, the knowledge! What- from his $45,000-a-year job!
luckiest bastard in show biz... Rhesus Pilibin! ever that means! BEST of luck to you. Rob!
IMP

I S
Let's meet our i r From From From TALLAHASS — ah. screw FASTEST person to put the four answers
new contestants! NORTHAMPTON, LOUISVILLE, it! Nobody CARES! Nine in their CORRECT order gets to play!
From CLEVELAND, MASSACHUSETTS. KENTUCKY. of you are really named The others all slink home in disgrace
OHIO. Robert Doug Kevin "Adios Pete"! Let's and WHINE to their friends, "Oh.
D'Esposito! Bouchard! Hordern! GO to the question! uh. the stupid BUTTONS didn't
work right!" CONTESTANTS! Put
these LETTERS into alphabetical
order! A) A; B) B; C) C; D) D!

w
<&

•^WB-^
 And our fastest player EACH correct answer moves you up Hey, we're shelling
WAS...Dom Grillo! Dom. ONE LEVEL, where the questions Rhesus, you've gone over out dough by
get harder! Of course, with the the rules 15 times in the BARREL here!
Vn5 we'll see if you can WIN the last five shows! Why
A MILLION DOLLARS, idiotic questions we START OFF with. Re-reading
don't you just say, the rules
right after we go over they HAVE to get harder! The money "Answers equal money,
the rules for ANYBODY doubles each round, EXCEPT when we for every
until you mess up"? It's contestant
who MIGHT'VE only been round off from $64,000 to $125,000!
watching this show for not exactly a tough SAVES us 50
That's so we don't have to call this show! format to figure out!
the last 11 seconds! Boobs Want To Be a $1,024,000aire\ grand a night!

c 7x^
^
wJ§h
<&<&
m
"p^f rrioN •

&

s^LSSL L£££3I
T_J *Lf Yeah, anything
Okay, Is Are Your So then you're saying "D" is Cue arc lights!
um, that you absolutely your lasty-nasty, TR00LY-00LY, Camera One. SWOOP Wow, I never j ] to distract
my your confi- FINAL final fee-fi-fo-final answer? across the studio! . knew m viewers from
final dent? answer? GO, GO, GO! television realizing this
FINAL Your podium doesn't
answer Faster! Music on A directing entire show is
answer?
is
"D," Yes, it UfinalYes,answer
my come with a
breathalyzer,
ALL channels!
Camera Three,
was
such hard
two people
sitting in
{
Rhesus! is.
J l " " fl
is D ! does it? zoom in HARD! work! chairs!
 USEFUL | N P o f I J P YOU HAV*

Well, we're -i Sorry, 1 don't want to play! I just wanted Well, it's back to Contestants Row! ONE
down to nine I'm Ben Ben, to get on TV! I've been on a show of these players could have the MILLION
Savage, but ABC since 1993, yet no one knows who I DOLLAR SPOTLIGHT shine on THEM! And
players, ; employees
and... hey, star of am! But these computer programmers believe me. COCKROACHES react better to
ABC's aren't light! A lot of THESE folks look as if
WHO'S that who live in their moms' basements
Boy | eligible they haven't been exposed to direct SUN
sitting come on this show for 10 minutes,
Meets to play! since the days when Malcolm Jamal-
in the and they're nationwide starsl I'm
World! famous, dammit! *Sob!* I'm...famous... Warner's agent was returning his calls!
CHAIR?
 2 Boring Minutes Later
Well, I'm sorry to see Mort go! I'd cut a secret
deal with him under the table to SELL him the million-
dollar answer for $100,000! Still, this show has
now GIVEN AWAY over three million dollars of ABC's
MONEY! And ABC hasn't tossed THAT much cash away
since they set up a nationwide OPINION POLL to
determine whether or not Miss America viewers wanted
to keep the sexist swimsuit competition! Uh, DUH!

I NEXT question for the Parade of Human Oddities!

Er, I mean, contestants! Put the following
I special-interest campaign contributors in ORDER!
Starting from who currently owns the LARGEST
PERCENTAGE of Al Gore's SOUL to who owns
the smallest! A) Big tobacco: B) Chemical
waste cartels; C) Health care conglomerates:
D) The People's Republic of China.

What would ONE MILLION DOLLARS! So viewers don't notice

YOU do 'd buy me one million You're just 14 Why do you that eight out of 10
with ONE scratch-off lotto questions away from keep shouting contestants walk out
MILLION cards, and parlay it ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "ONE MILLION of here with 32,000
DOLLARS? Hj2j into some REAL money! DOLLARS"? bucks, tops!
I'm going to have to Remove TWO of the choices! That way, You said "D" And you're RIGHT! Yes, and your expres-
take a Lame Line! [ this game show can have ALL the heart- sion is going to look
ie the 50/50! stopping strategy of flipping a COIN! EEE-YIIIIH! GAH! Are GREAT on all our
f923vv
you people NUTS? five-second-long
just got a 500-volt promos running on
ABC for the
electric shock NEXT two weeks!
through my chair!

What was the name given to Chairman

Mao's cultural revolution in China?
A) The Great Leap Forward B) Hop on Pop
C) Stop, Drop, and Roll D) Kriss Kross'll Make
Ya Jump, Jump

'rSSfr _a vvv
I You JUST WON One nickel MORE, and we VI " Hey, it isn't like we rigged it
$63,999.95! risk reminding viewers ^ Fixing game shows? You on PURPOSE for him to win so
of The $64,000 Question mean like that first easily! We just thought "What
and the 1950s game guy last November color is Big Bird?" was a
show FIXING SCANDALS! who (cough) "won" super-tough TRICK QUESTION
a million dollars? for the $250,000 level!
Wwei /
wmy'.: •/:
/.- «?« iw.-vr c-<rr /
Yoif >rf///<_/

I SMELL
cHBese.'

f
-Ti

43
--r
 | Nope! All
Can't you 1 1 our moneys
say any- 8j going out
thing else 1 ] in prizes!
whenever 1 i We could
someone 1 1 only afford
answers a f TWO cue
question? Rd cards!

You've FIGURES! We get a hit,

won ONE Hey. Hi, Chuck Weaselly I'm from Survivor! I was supposed And we're Hi! and all the copycats
MILLION wait a here for Greedy We're not just to host You NBC try to run us into the
DOLLARS! doing
sec! on FOX! Except for doing another Don't Know Jack! the new here! ground! The rip-off
And here This the set, music, Millionaire knock- Although with that We're
come your $64,000 artists in charge of
isn't lights and format, off! We're ALSO title, could they doing networks SUCK!
loved Question! Twenty-
my we're NOTHING stealing from have picked a
ones! family! like this show! Road Rules! Only on One! And THAT'S my
LESS likely host? CBS! FINAL ANSWER!
The people w h o help you waste $59
t o learn h o w t o marbelize a rickety t w o
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PHOTOGRAPHER: IRVING SCHILD WRITER: SCOTT MAIKO
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CLEANING YOUR COLON WITH FENG SHUI • HOW TO USE A HAMMER •
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How to Mismanage an Apartment
Building at the Expense of its Tenants!
With incompetent resident manager DIPTHONG
BABAGANOOSH-SMITH and slumlord SHAH FALAFEL

As a resident manager working for the owner,

H ow would you like to live rent-free in an
overpriced, rundown apartment com-
plex? You can, and our two experts on residen-
it's your job to keep the turn-over rate high by
steadily applying the "Four I's of Property
tial income properties will show you how, by Management:"
teaching you what greedy property owners
look for when hiring their legally-required on- • Intimidation ("How dare you knock on my
site building managers. You'll learn how to use door during normal business hours!")
such phrases as: • Indifference ("No one else's kitchen is on
• "No one else is complaining that there's no fire. I don't know what to tell you.")
hot water. You must be mistaken." • Ignorance ("How was I supposed to know
• "There's no rat on your balcony! That thing you were on vacation? I think your
is probably a cat!" furniture's still in the alley")
• Irresponsibility ("It's not my job.") Dipthong Babaganoosh-Smith has been the
• "You must get rid of the cat on your balcony.
resident manager of a 25-unit building in Los
You are in violation of your lease!" Angeles since 1995. He proudly regards the fact
• "Yours is the only garbage disposal we ever Additionally, you'll learn to:
that he has been hanged and burned in effigy by his
have to fix! What are you putting in tenants as a testament to his success. Shah Falafel
there?!" • Always answer your phone with "I'm busy! owns fourteen surprisingly decrepit buildings on
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about cockroaches! Do you never clean back. • Use your passkey to root through ten- he hasn't stepped foot inside in over three years.
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Topics include:
Retired businessman Walter • Sharpie vs. Marks-A-Lot:
Horn will show you how. Since Which is the best marker for
becoming a widower in 1993, writing on bathroom walls?
Horn has enjoyed an estimated • Initiating a conversation Walter Horn was a respected advertising account
300 rendezvous in over 80 differ- at the urinal executive for over 40 years. Since retiring, he's become
ent bathrooms in the Baltimore • Avoiding George Michael an embarrassment to his friends and family who've had
area alone (with over 100 con- Syndrome: Staying off the to bail him out of jail 12 times in the last two months.
firmed by police reports). police blotter Course 494
• Between You and Me: Dealing Truckstop\ 1-95 Exit 84, 8 miles after Bell Ave.
with the problem of bathroom Sec. C Sat. Jul. 10 10am-12pm
Sec. D Sun. Jul. 18 9-11am
stall partitions
Sec. E Sun. Aug. 15 11am-1pm
Materials Fee: $3 Course fee S59 / Members Course fee S54

CI Registration is easy! Register by phone, online or in person!

•Prerequisite^): Introduction to Registering for Spending Annex Classes and
Advanced Spending Class Registration (see p. 64 for description and costs.)
 LECTURES BY ODD PEOPLE

An Evening With How to Write Writing TV Comedy

Native American Dirty Limericks How to Rework the Unfunny and
Rejected Seinfeld Spec Script You
Naomi Running Elk
I f you feel the
need to be
Submitted Two Years Ago to Fit
a Sitcom That's Still in Production
B orn and
raised in the
creative with
the written
Mimosa tribe
located in a
trailer park
within the
word, it's time
to explore your
raunchy side
J ust because
Seinfeld went off
the air in 1998
doesn't mean that
by writing
Ramada reser- dirty limericks! the awful script you
vation in Discover how wrote needs to die,
Monsey, New to meld exotic too. In this compre-
York, Naomi locales, hensive workshop,
Running Elk is descriptive industry expert Mike
the epitome of terms for geni- Hack will show you
today's inde- talia and how to rework that
pendent Native script to fit any
American unique fetishes or unfortunate sexual mal- number of sitcoms
adies into hilarious rhymes — the very that are still being
woman: noble, spiritual and strong-willed same kind you've seen scratched on men's produced.
— but not so strong-willed as to turn down room partitions with a key!
a couple hundred bucks to stand in front of
a bunch of ignorant white folks and talk YOU'LL LEARN HOW TO:
Self-described dirty old man George
about her rich heritage. • Use your word processor to go through and
Stroker is an expert in the field of filthy
replace all the "Kramers" with "Moeshas"
limericks, and in his experiential workshop,
Running Elk is a wealth of Native • Fine-tune Elaine's dialogue so it's more feminine
he'll demystify the process of writing them
American knowledge: and better suits Jack of Will and Grace
by explaining how to:
• Substitute all references to sex with jokes about
• The spiritual legacy of the modern American zits or gym class and submit it to any show in
Indian as pieced together from things she • Work ass-backwards: Starting with an
ABC's "TGIF" line-up
saw on TV on Grizzly Adams, Public Service amusing body part and building a rhyme
Announcements against littering, F-Troop around it So what if you have no experience as a comedy
reruns and Mazola corn oil commercials • Make celebrities part of the fun: How to writer, your script isn't even typed, you misspelled
• Where to buy those little Indian dream- work the names "Alan Funt," "Chris "Seinfeld" throughout it and you "borrowed" the
catcher-thingys everyone has dangling on Hardwick," "Zasu Pitts," "Tom Seaver" plot from an episode of Mr. Belvedere? This doesn't
their rearview mirror these days and others into your creations mean that Hollywood shouldn't take you seriously!
• How to make your own totem pole by taping • Get beyond Venus: Avoiding overused,
obvious rhyming words Mike Hack has had about as much luck as you've had
together and painting empty oatmeal boxes writing for TV. He's submitted the same, identical, awful
Plus, you'll be there when Naomi tells you Before retiring, George Stroker was an execu- script to Suddenly Susan, Holding the Baby and two
about her recent journey for spiritual fulfill- tive at Aer Lingus, Stussy and most recently, different failed Dabney Coleman shozvs. His experience
ment across Mother Earth via 1-95 to the the Bellagio Hotel & Casino. He is the author of within the industry includes going to a taping of Saved
Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, CT for a such books as Here I Sit Broken-Hearted and By the Bell, and seeing Ed "Al Bundy" O'Neill while
weekend of the loosest slots this side of There Was a Young Woman Named Dinah. rollerblading in Santa Monica.
Atlantic City! He currently lives in Nantucket.
Course 661 East End
Course 3665 North Campus Course 450 South Center Sec. A Sun. Jul. 11 10am-6pm
Sec. F Sat. Aug. 14 6-10pm Sec. Y Sat. Aug. 7 10am-12pm Sec. C Sat. Aug. 14 10am-6pm
Course fee $59 / Members Course fee $54 Course fee $59 / Members Course fee $54 Course fee $39 / Members Course fee $34

An Evening With If you've ever wondered just what

exactly homeless people do in public
That Homeless Woman restrooms for hours at a time or how to
give yourself a complete sponge bath
Who's Always Outside the Post Office with a single Handi-Wipe found in the
Asking for Spare Change dumpster behind KFC, then this is the
class for you! Bring your questions, as
well as any empty cans or bottles.
Y ou've seen her there every time you go in to buy
stamps or ship a package. Maybe you've given her a
few coins, a half-eaten sandwich or perhaps just a dirty Dorothy has been on the streets for seven
look. She's Dorothy, that homeless woman who's always years. She is the mother of two thoughtless
outside the post office asking for spare change, and she's sons whom she nonetheless loves dearly, and
ready to answer your questions, such as: who track her down once a year, alleviate
their guilt by cleaning her up and taking her
• Didn't you used to have two cats? out for Christmas dinner and giving her a
• Why don't you get a job? hundred bucks before turning her loose.
• Didn't you used to have just one slipper?
Course 637 Westside
• Do you know what the cut-off time is for Next Day mail?
Sec. J Sun. Aug. 29 7-10pm
• Where do you go when it rains? Course fee $39 / Members Course fee $34

O"Register early before classes are cancelled due to lack of interest! 47

 GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPT.

MADs
CEIiEBRITH CPUSE-OF-DEHTH

prams (Bme THISoddsmakers

Our team of crack MONTH'S CORPSE TOthe
gives you BE latest
OR NOT TO BE:
Vegas line on how one
of today's biggest stars is going to land the leading role in "Macdeath"!
 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
WHAT HOT
THING HAS
GOT TEENAGE
AD F O L D - I
Manufacturers are always on the lookout to develop new prod-
ucts to entice teenage boys. The competition is fierce. There is,
BOYS REALLY however, one thing that has recently popped up to capture the
imagination of America's male youth like no other. To find out
EXCITED? what this exciting thing is, carefully fold page in as shown.
FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT

IN PAST TIMES SIMPLE TOYS COULD HOLD A BOY'S INTER

EST. BUT TODAY'S SOPHISTICATED YOUNGSTER
NEEDS MORE STIMULATING STUFF. ONLY THE HOTTEST
POSSIBLE FAD WILL DO. HE HAS VERY LITTLE CONCERN
FOR HOW PARENTS AND TEACHERS FEEL ABOUT IT
E^" ARTSST AND WfilTfR- AI IAE5PS ~^H
Tor am} Nicolineiis just p e o f many lap.firms we've:t&ed to fight wrongful^eath >

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Cigarette

Smoking May Result in Hacking And Coffin.