IT'S A 027,.

ggj

WORLD, WORLD,
WORLD, WORLD

ANNOUNCING THE
LATEST COLLECTION OF
WAY OUT" HUMOR

. by the "Down-To-Earth" Men of MAD, who also brought you these 22 other "World-Beaters":

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IT'S A WORLD, WORLD, D Utterly MAD D Fighting MAD • The MAD Sampler
WORLD, WORLD M A D D The Brothers MAD • The MACi Frontier • DON MARTIN Steps Out
I ENCLOSE 5 0 0 • The Bedside MAD • MAD in Orbit • DON MARTIN Bounces Back
• Son of MAD • The Voodoo MAD D DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories
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NUMBER 99 DECEMBER 1965 VITAL FEATURES

WHEN
'When it comes to absorbing information, some people are like blotters: POLITICIANS
they soak it all in, but they get it all backwards!"—Alfred E. N e u m a n DO TV
COMMERCIALS
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor Pg.4
JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors
MARTIN J . SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity
CLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRILLO subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
SNAPPY
ANSWERS
DEPARTMENTS TO THOSE
ASPHALT JUNGLE-ANIMALS DEPARTMENT OLD CLICHES
Pg.10
A MAD Guide To The Wildlife On Our American Highways . . .35
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Moving 28
CARD SHARK DEPARTMENT
The Greeting Card Manufacturer Of The Year 21
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT THE
Three Hairy Stories 8 VIRGINIAHAM
FOAM POEM DEPARTMENT (A MAD
The Rime Of The Modern Surfer 41 TV SATIRE)
Pg.13
HOW THE WESTERN WAS LOST DEPARTMENT
The Virginiaham 13
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy 25, 34
Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 40
LETTERS DEPARTMENT COVERING
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 FOOTBALL
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT IN
DEPTH
Drawn-Out Dramas ** Pg.45
OUR CREATURE PRESENTATION DEPARTMENT
Horror Movie Scenes We'd Like To See 38
PAID POLITICO ANNOUNCEMENTS DEPARTMENT
When Politicians Do TV Commercials 4
PUNCH LINES DEPARTMENT
Boxing Foto-Plays 18 HORROR
PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT MOVIE
MAD's Snappy Answers To Those Old Cliches 10 SCENES WE'D
LIKE TO SEE
SOUP'S O N ! DEPARTMENT
Pg.38
A Celebrity's Wallet-Soupy Sales 32
SWEET TORQUE DEPARTMENT
Let's Humanize Those Automated Machines 26
THE PLAY BY-PLAY'S THE THING DEPARTMENT
Football In Depth 45
**Various Places Around The Magazine THE RIME
OF THE
MAD—Dec. 1965 V o l . 1 , umber 9 9 , is published monthly except February, May, August and Novem-
MODERN
ber, by E.C. Publications, c , at 850 Third Avenu.>, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid SURFER
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Pg.41
tents copyrighted ©1965 by E.C. Publ Inc. The Publisher and Editors w i l l not be responsible for
unsolicited manuscripts and request a ripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return
envelope. The names of characters us M A D fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity
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 ARE YOU BUGGED BY THE LITTLE
LETTERS DEPT.
MONSTERS WHO CLIP EVERY COPY MAD GOES TO VIETNAM
FROM THE NEWSSTANDS?

BEING RICH IS BETTER

THAN A WARM PUPPY

For the past several months, I have

been serving with the American forces in
South Vietnam. As you can see from the
enclosed photo, I was able to infiltrate a
copy of MAD into the country and intro-
duce it to the Vietnamese. With all the
fine satire that has filled each copy of
MAD, they find it the perfect example of
America's freedom of the press, and the
ability of its people to laugh at their own
foibles and idiosyncrasies.
PFC W. J. Bailey
Advisory Team 60
mad bug by baggi
APO, San Francisco

MAD GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL

Our OFFICE SUPPLIES Each Issue By Mail! ^?42& I teach in the Junior Dept. at Sunday
SUBSCRIBE TO School, and you might be interested to
Being rich is being able to afford a know that when we studied Amos, The
lifetime subscription to MAD Magazine, Prophet, who stood in the market-place
and then canceling it. and decried the dishonesty going on, that
Charles M. Schulz I was able to utilize your extraordinary
Sebastopol, Calif. magazine. I found several issues that
...AND SAVE 400 ON 8 ISSUES pointed out, in your own inimitable
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MORE MAD RECORDING STARS vertising, etc. and worked a display of
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MAD really grabbed the children's attention and
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NAME Gloria Vargas
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AND YOU CAN

N 0 W - Y 0 U CAN BUILD "CUSTOMIZE"
HIM INTO SOME
ALFRED E. NEUMAN NUTTY POSES I
MAD'S "What Me Worry" Kid Extra "snap-in" arms and
signs allow you to pose
him in various attitudes,
WITH AURORA'S each one sure to get you
a laugh—or more likely,
MMB a punch in the left eye.
CRAZY NEW Like f'rinstance these 4:

WHAT-ME WORRY? KIT!

 Do Your Christmas Shopping Early!
THE J O H N BIRCH SOCIETY P O L I C E M A N Give (or treat yourself to) a . . .
Sincere congratulations on your article "Alas poor MAD, I knew it, Horatio."
dealing with the John Birch Society. Un-
doubtedly, you will now come in for
criticism from that organization, but you
have shown them as many of their mem-
is probably what we'll all be saying when
the John Birch Society reads your article.
Barry Rower
MAD
Union, N.J.

Christmas
bers truly are: more subversive than any
group unfortunate enough to come under Your incrimination of the Birch So-
the scrutiny of their "super-patriotism." ciety smacks of the same infamous tactics
If people such as the extremists in the of mass-denunciation that they employ.
Birch Society were ever to come to power When you print this type of slanderous
in this land, it would mean the end of
such entities as MAD, and the freedom of
minority groups would be undermined.
dirt, you succeed only in lowering an
otherwise fine magazine to the level of
the John Birchers themselves.
G R A B BAG
HERE ARE ALL THE USELESS THINGS YOU GET:
Gentlemen, through your satire, this na- 24
tion is a safer, saner place to live. My Don Peters
Houston, Texas MAD
thanks. PAPERBACK
Seth Bramson BOOKS
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Your article ( ? ) 'MAD Interviews a press, and use them, we need never fear new "SPY vs. SPY") worth $12.00
"John Birch Society" Policeman' ( # 9 7 ) the weak-minds of any "wing."
was the most revolting monstrosity you Richard Prybyzerski THE THIRD
have ever written about any group. I Setauket, N.Y. ANNUAL
found it most disgusting. The Presiden- COLLECTION
tial elections are over, and there is no A OF
longer any need for you pinko subver- It is extremely unfair to assume that
COPY O F
sive undermining liberals to spread lies
about Barry Goldwater and conservative
all members of the John Birch Society are
prejudiced bigots. It would be the same "MAD MAD
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America. No. 3 "
Ben Standard, Jr. of such organizations as the Congress of
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Lawrence, Kansas munism, or even outright members of the
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will certainly come under heavy fire from gerous "kooks" we of the "Right" are. OF
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/ ^y
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SI I
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 PAID POLITICO ANNOUNCEMENTS PEPT.
Everyone who watches television knows that Edward G. Robinson, Barbara
Stanwyck, and Robert Taylor are selling coffee . . . that big industrialists,
sports figures and writers are "Ale Men" . . . and that Joseph Cotton is
pushing a headache remedy. In other words, the big names are copping out

WHEN POLITICIANS
Hi, there, Americans! You know, some
things come naturally—like sacrificing
principles! But other things take
more time and t h o u g h t . . .
for the big money! And so, naturally, since no group is more experienced
at selling out than Statesmen and Politicians, it's just a matter of time,
MAD predicts, before the biggest big names of all will be lured into the TV
advertising game . . . and we'll be seeing scenes like this on our screens—

DO TV COMMERCIALS ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITERS: RONALD AXE & SOL WEI NSTEIN
Friends—out here in Goldwater country,
where a man can feel a kinship with the
stars, the mesquite bushes and his ham
radio, I get to do some clear, hard-nose
thinking! And the best thought I can
pass on to every thinking American . . .
all twenty-six million of them . . . is
to reach for a "MULEBURRO" . . .

-fla**^
 D O N MARTIN DEPT. I. AT THE
got my hair cut only two weeks ago,

DON MARTIN Louis, and now look at this mess!

You'll have to cut it off again!

Mr. Fonebone!

PROUDLY PRESENTS

III. I N ANOTHER HOME

BARBERSHOP
Ya'know, there's one thing I can say
for this hair of yours, Mr. Fonebone—

II. I N A HOME
Well, dear, what do you think .. it'll never stay in place unless
of my new hair style? you paint your head with glue!

You just can't

train nose hairs!!
^0k/>

^S
 PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS PEPT.
Do you worry about walking through tough, strange neighborhoods? Are
you concerned that muggers may attack you? Well, let's face it . . .
how many people are actually attacked by muggers these days? On the
other hand, there are far more painful and insidious attacks visited
upon every adult and teenager today. We're talking about the attacks

MAD'S SNAPPY ANSWERS ARTIST: PAUL COKER JR.

At Weddings...
She is! They had to Sob! I always
tank her up to marry sniff— cry at
a creep like that! weddings! Sob!

In Hospitals...
And how are We'll have you up
we I know someone who had the
very same thing last and around before
this morning? you know it!
year, and today he's fine!
Judging by the way I feel
and the way you look, I'd
say we're both in trouble!
 of The Old Cliches! Wherever people congregate, these sickening old
cliches fall thick and fast. Up to now, all you could do was nod your
head and say, "How true!" or something equally idiotic. But now—
cliche sufferers—comes fast, fast, fast relief! Read on, and see how
you can wage a counterattack against this menace by calling upon . . .

TO THOSE OLD CLICHES

WRITER: STAN HART

t Why? All marriages

don't have to turn
out like ours!

•?3R5Lr
I just dropped If there's anything
by! I can only \ you want, don't
stay a minute hesitate to ask!
After all—
what are
friends for?
Okay—shut
the door from
the outside!
A t Family R e u n i o n s . . .
I hate j I The goodbyes are okay!
long i r It's the "hello's" that
goodbyes!) [ bug me!

,&4 &<
At Funerals...
 HOW THE WESTERN WAS LOST DEPT.
Here we go with our version of that 90-minute Commercial for Color TV Sets..

THE
VIRG INI AH AM
I'm Judge Barf,
and I'm off to
a Lawyer's
I'm Becky Barf,
and I'm visiting
a sick old Aunt
I'm Deputy
Ricochet,
and I'm
Hold it! Where's
everybody going?
The show hasn't
Don't get excited, Chief! Actors are such
sensitive creatures that the strain of
The horses too?

They've got a
a-chasin' even started yet! making a 90-minute Western every week is
Convention! back East! stronger Union
a gang of I've heard of too much for them. So the writers have a
than the actors!
outlaws! audiences walking few of them leave town each show on some
They get TWO
out, but this is stupid pretense! It keeps their Union off
WEEKS off!
ridiculous! our back! Only this week, somebody goofed
. . . and everybody's off!

A R T I S T : MORT DF W R I T E R : LOU S I L V E R S T O N E

That's great! It'd probably be an improvement

Now, what Well, we've got a over some of the scripts we've
are we going captive audience used—but the sponsor wants live
to do for of Color TV Set- people! Scenery can't bleed! So
a show? owners! Let's show THIS WEEK . . . EVERYBODY WORKS!
them scenery for
A fence!? Listen, Zane Grey . . . Shooting I'm surprised at you! If I let
mister! It's Yeah!? and every other never Well, if'n we That Tramputz shoot him, that'll
illegal to build Who Western Writer solved shoot him, he makes leave us 89 minutes of show
a fence out here! said since! anything, won't be able to a heap with nothing to do but ride
so? Tramputz! build his fence! o' sense, these temperamental horses!

•BliBife;

%,~\

Neighbor, Purty as In that case,

why do you Is a picture! Judge, we
need a fence? she She looks better let
My cows won't purty, jus' like him build
bother you! Mister? me! his fence!

Your Honor—if it please No—that's . . . and I further I It's my courtroom, mister,

the court—I submit that What's all that Actors Studio submit that the object! You and I object to your long-
a restraining order (smack) lip-smacking "Lawyer-type" aforementioned can't winded, lip-smacking,
be issued to prevent (smack) about, Mister? acting! fence is illegal! object! tooth-sucking overacting!
the construction of a fence You got loose And I cite the You're Now take this restraining
by (smack) Marvin Drygulch— dentures? case of John Wayne the order and git!
versus Jack LaRue— Judge!
 But, your Honor—I Not in my
haven't finished my courtroom, you
brief! I still have ain't, Mister!
to recite Sacco's Gabby Hayes
once appeared
farewell letter in

s
here, and you're
authentic Sicilian
desecratin' his
dialect, and . . . memory! Now,
vamoose before
shoot you
with my gavel!

Gee, Paw! Howdy.Judge! Who's Nobody, Judge! Don't you watch this show?
They're You're just getting Listen, Ma'am, She gets struck by light-
fightin' in time for married? you know what ening—or run over by
over me! the Wedding! happens to a stampeding cattle!
gal who marries
a Cowboy?

Or maybe Y'see, Ma'am, a But if TV Cowboys Ma'am—this may ME?! But I

she gets TV Cowboy has to never get married, be an "Adult Ricochet, tell
kicked by present a clean-cut where do LITTLE Western"—but body's Old West—as in the the Judge what
a wild unsullied, unmarried • TV Cowboys come from? it's not THAT *onna marry case of Buffalo Bil happened...
horse! image to the public! adult! my little vs. Calamity Jane—
girl! YOU are legally
bound to marry her!

"v1 yR ^S?-
Not me, Buddy-boy!
She's all yours!
I'll be the Best
Man, though . . .
P U N C H LINES DEPT.
Many people are saying that

BOXING
Professional Prize Fighting
should be outlawed . . . that
it is already finished as a
Sport! W e l l , all we can say
i s : if it i s n ' t f i n i s h e d up
to now, it will be with . . .
 1 know yoiTre i^^V
anxious—but go • P^^^
back there and ^^^^^ * J ^ ^ ^ mm W
wait until they ^^^r jnft^m
X
finish playing j / J ^-< J^S^B
the National V X~"^t^
Anthem! tfi

v
^2^ ^3 y j | •> a

19
 CARD SHARK DEPT.
There is a new retail shop that is beginning to blight our landscape—the Greeting
Card Store. Inside, you can pick out all sorts of messages to send. However, you'll
have to search long and hard to find the corny, sentimental cards of yesteryear.
Today, the Greeting Card Industry has gone "clever". Who is the diabolical genius
behind this movement? Well, let's drop in on the biggest "Card Shark" of 'em all as

MAD INTERVIEWS THE

GKflING CaRD MANUFacTURgR
ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO

Hi, MAD fans. I'm Frank

OF THE YEAR
And
%
WRITER: STAN HART

"Good Taste"
Giffurd, talking with Mr. this KSee that sign? and "Sentiment"! I!
No-this
Konrad Kupid—President of makes Are those Right! I make sure that
Lousy art, makes me In making our
the "Klever Kard Kompany"! you your guiding neither ever appears in
infantile hand- rich! That's Klever Kards, I
Tell me, Mr. Kupid, what angry? principles? any of my cards! To be
lettering, and the kind always keep those
are the distinguishing successful today, you gotta
ridiculously I put out! j - j t w o things in mind!
features of the modern give the public nastiness!
high prices!
greeting card?
|l -uUit

" v S e C ^ l Circle

I don't Silly boy! People send cards because Here are Each year, No—I hire the losers! Any
understand! they're coerced into it! Therefore, the artists How we hold an Oh- self-respecting artist would
Don't people they begin to dislike the people they who do the do international and rather starve to death than
send cards HAVE to send cards to! Klever Kards illustrations you contest for you do this! That way, I get them
to express kill two birds with one stone! They for my cards! select budding young hire cheap—and if they ask for
affection? discharge obligations and hostilities your artists! the more money, I threaten to put
at the same time! staff? winners? their names on the cards!
s
 Are you crazy? It was all r i g h t - Ah—a "Mother's
It passed with but I must be slipping! Day Card"! How
flying colors! She only broke my tooth! do you like it?
Congratulations, Last month, she fractured
Comstock! You
did it again!
my jaw! Oh, well—I guess
you can't win 'em all! YOU HAVE
ABSOLUTELY
NO
MaTeRNM
INsTlNcT!
mothers today Mothers today don't
l't expect something even deserve something
warm and loving! warm and loving!
 see you're admiring our "Long John" Card—a $2.50
retailer which is actually good for TWO sales!

Two sales?! How come? Here is our "St.

Valentine's Day Oh-ho! And the person
Well, first we advise the buyer to "allow ten days for Practical Joke who receives it thinks
delivery"! Then, when it's crushed and torn by the Post Box-Card"! Hear it's a bomb, eh? That's
Office and R E T U R N E D TO S E N D E R , he's got the time to it ticking . . . ? very funny! What happens
get himself another regular-size card! Not bad, eh? when they open it up?

A
W

Years ago, there were only traditional That's That's Today, people have become so compulsive about
cards . . . birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Let's see . . . easy! amazing! sending cards that they can't even wait for a
But today, Card Manufacturing is highly Oh, this is silly, What special occasion. In fact, it's kind of an " I n "
specialized! We produce a card for every but my niece got color thing to find a new clever card to send! So we \
occasion! Got an occasion? Just try me bitten by a dog dog? have to keep coming up with them—like this one!
week!

SSL
So for a quarter, a person can feel clever! Of course,
if he were really clever, he wouldn't have to spend a
quarter on a card to come up with something smart!

\f r>D
 It looks We also cover
like you every failure
cover every or unhappy
achievement event! Let's
or happy not forget the
event! losers! They're
a big market!

Fr0
foA^ i c K ! "—"y^^Z,

How do you like these "Get-Well" Cards?

R e m e m b e r . . . I said the roll was
6 inches in diameter.. . not the
paper! If you can't make money
selling a few feet of paper for / Hope Your Broken Leg Heals Fasti
350, you're in real trouble! But not so fast that you can't build a
Big Case against the Insurance Company!

Yes—very nice! The way I look at it, Frank, we're That's where you'll find our
Well, you certainly rapidly eliminating the need for "I'd Like To Thank You For A
showed us that the anyone to write a letter! Every Most Interesting Interview"
Card Business is conceivable human situation will Cards! Just give the lady a
BIG Business! soon be covered by Greeting Cards! quarter, sign it and send it!
JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART I
 SWEET TORQUE DEPT.
Hooray for the 20th century. Automation has made Man obsolete. What service can a human being
perform that can't be done better today by a machine (and don't get smutty, buster!)? But despite
the cool efficiency of modern automated machines, there seems to be something missing—mainly, the

LET'S HUMANIZE THOS

HUMANIZING THE CANDY MACHINE THAT HAS THE AIRPORT INSURANCE MACHINE THAT HAS
REPLACED THE COLORFUL CANDY STORE OWNER REPLACED THE MAUDLIN INSURANCE AGENT
Don't lean against the glass! Who's supposed to wipe off your greasy Congratulations! Obviously, you are a person who takes his re-
fingerprints? How much money have you got? Show me! Okay, hurry sponsibilities to his family seriously. If, God forbid, something
up, make your selection, and get out! I haven't got all day! Come in should happen to you, your loved ones are now protected. And if,
here with a lousy dime and think you own the place. And don't think God forbid, something should happen to you, your children's
I'm not wise to your tricks! If you want something to steal, steal it college tuition will be provided. We must look upon insurance as
• from someplace else . . . like the cigarette machine! a positive thing. No one knows what the future has in store. If,
God forbid, something happened to you without insurance, how
could you, God forbid, go someplace, God forbid, knowing that
you had, God forbid, failed those who depend upon you?

God forbid I should

take a plane! I'm
going by train instead

HUMANIZING THE AUTOMATIC PILOT THAT REPLACES THE LIVE PILOT

Listen, baby, flying this bird is a piece of cake. When I was in the "Big Show"—that's what we fly- guys This is better than a
called World War II—I flew B-29's held together with chicken wire and spit. That was flying—with Jerries live pilot! A smoother
throwing up ack-ack and Messerschmidts coming in at 6 o'clock. But flying an airliner like this is kids' stuff. line . . . and no hands!!
Even you could do it. Wanna try? Just sit down and put your cheek against the speaker. Comfy? Now, just
keep the plane between those lights on either w i n g t i p . . . and not one of the 198 passengers will ever
suspect that a stewardess is flying this crate! Say, when we get to Paris, what hotel are you stopping at?
Mine is real cozy and quiet. You'd love it!
warmth and personality of the individual who once performed these services. When we step into an
automatic self-service elevator, somehow we miss the dull conversation of the chatty elevator man
who once ran it. Why not bring all that back? F'rinstance, let's install tape recorders, a n d . . .

E AUTOMATED MACHINES ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: STAN HART

THE HOT SOUP MACHINE THAT HAS REPLACED THE OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER

That's a good boy! You need something hot in your stomach on a cold day like I'm through! Okay, but first I
this! Don't gobble your food! Drink it slowly, or you'll get cramps. And don't Let's go! have to kiss the
forget t o drink every last drop. I hope you dressed warm! There's a lot of machine goodbye!
flu going around. I know you don't like me to nag, but I worry about the way
you neglect your health. And before you leave, I want you to go over to the
other machine and take a piece of fruit!

THE HOME HAIR DRYER THAT HAS THE SELF-SERVICE ELEVATOR THAT HAS
REPLACED THE GOSSIPY BEAUTICIAN REPLACED THE CHATTY ELEVATOR MAN
Honey, you're going to look like a dream when you're done! Your
Hot enough for you? It's not bad in here with the air
husband won't be able to keep his eyes, much less his hands off
conditioning, huh? But between you and me, I could live
you. And let me tell you, that's important in this day and age—
without air conditioning. It gives me colds. Hey, how
what with all the scandals and divorces! We girls have to fight
about those Dodgers? Can you imagine paying Sandy Koufax
to hold our men—know what I mean? Just the other day, a customer
a measly $40,000 a year? Say, how old do you think I
I won't mention her name—told me she caught her husband with
am? Take a guess! 35, 4 0 , 50? Go ahead, guess! Well, I'm
another woman. I was shocked. I would never believe the Principal
53 years old. I swear it. You wouldn't think so, would
of our local high school—I won't mention his name—would do a
you? Well, here's something else you won't believe. I
thing like that! Oh, when you're in this line, you hear all kinds
never went to college! Not even high school! I swear—
of stories. I tell you, I could write a b o o k . . .
 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT.

The closets And the Color Our bed would And the taxes The kitchen is And this Well, I see you No, thanks . .
are nice and TV over here, look beautiful are low! And darling! Let room folks like the We're just
big! And we with the piano against that there's a me m e a s u r e - would be house! Would you looking!
could put by that big wall, with the bus stop at yes, the dining perfect care to sign the
the Stereo picture window! chest over here! the corner!

r
room set could for my binder and leave
over here! go right here! den! us the deposit?

Look, the children Over my dead We've finally paid Calm Hello, Mother? John and I were
are married and body you'll off the mortgage yourself just talking! You've got that SELL THE HOUSE!
away! What do we sell this and the house is and big empty house, so we thought
need this big house! Not free and clear! No! answer it would be far more practical
empty house for? after all I NO! NO! WE WILL NOT the if we moved in with you! John
Let's sell it and put into it! SELL THIS HOUSE! phone! loves your cooking, and we'd
move into a small V have a free Baby-Sitter, and—
apartment!

I Of

I hear this joker who Sure! The slob will

moved into the Harris neglect his investment!
house is an ignorant His house will become
lout who hit it lucky! an eye-sore, ruining
He just isn't one of the neighborhood—and
our kind, so you know our property values
what we can expect! will go down!
 Hey! Wait! That
doesn't go! That's

RflOWQK)
my garbage!

WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG

Now that you've become a Unfortunately But dear! It's a This may interest you! Oh, goody! Now,
Department Head, I think all I got was matter of status! I just got our new we don't have
we should move into a new the title with I'm ashamed to tell lease in the mail! The to move!
apartment! Something more very little people how little landlord has raised
suitable to your position! increase in rent we pay for our rent 15 percent!
salary! this dump!

We're moving to a smaller Ruthy, darling— Oh, thank you!

place, so I've got to get we've saved this lovely know the very
rid of some of our furniture! lamp just for you! place I can put it!
We've been giving stuff away
to the good friends we've
made while living here!

Look, I sunk a lot of dough into this house, I guess my Maybe my front That fence of
an' I don't wanna see the neighborhood run house can lawn has gotten mine really does
down because you guys are a bunch of lazy, use a new a little weedy! need replacing!
cheap slobs. Take a look at them houses of paint job
yours! Then, get the lead out of your pants,
and get to woik!
What the heck is I found this old Lemme see! What the heck is Hey, lemme see! WHAT THE HECK IS
going on here? photo album while Hey, look going on here? That's me when GOING ON HERE?
We've got all I was cleaning out at me when We've got all this I was a baby! WE'VE GOT ALL THIS
this packing to the bookcase, and I was thin! packing to do and PACKING TO DO AND
do and you're
sitting around!
I'm fascinated with
it! Look, here's
me when I had hair!
you two are just
sitting around! V YOU TWO ARE JUST
SITTING AROUND!! J

We moved into this area The house is very comfortable! Here comes my husband! It was
because my husband It's beautifully situated near his first day at the new plant, I HATE
switched jobs! And I schools and shopping! The taxes so I've been working like a dog
just love it here! are low and the neighbors are to get everything cleaned and JHE JOB!
nice! All in all, it's the best put away before he got home!
place we've ever lived! Now, at last we're settled!

We're Kevin and Dorothy Come Mess? If You knew how i t ' Of course we Thank How do you like that!
Shorten! We live next in! you hadn't is! The movers understand! We you for They didn't even offer
door and we're here to Only said just left and went through coming, us a cup of coffee!!
welcome you to your new you anything we haven't had the same thing and for
neighborhood! We realize must we wouldn't time to make ourselves! It being so
what a hectic time you're forgive have even order out of takes a couple under-
going through, so we'll the noticed! this chaos! of weeks to get standing!
only stay a minute! mess! settled down!
v

Okay! The Hooray I'm so glad you decided The rotten old roof leaked, Yeah, an' Yeah, an' I Although—we did have
van just for to get out of that darn and the basement flooded I was was always fun-parties in that old
left! We'll Daddy ol' dump! I don't even regularly, and we didn't always bumping my house . . . with all our
meet them for want to take a last look! have enough closet space, tripping head in that fun-neighbors! Like the
at the new buying and there weren't enough on the low-slung one last New Year's Eve!
place! us a new bedrooms for the children- door jambs! attic!
house!
OH, MY GOODNESS! What's it been—two, three Sniff. . . Don't What are you blubbering True! But there's something
IT'S RITA AND AL! years since you moved away? BE SUCH STRANGERS about? You couldn't so sentimental about seeing
My, how the children have . . . sniff! COME stand them when they old, gossipy, back-biting,
grown! You look great! It's SEE US AGAIN . . . ived next door! vicious, trouble-making
so good to see you again! sniff . . . SOON! neighbors again! Sob!

fff=^_

Oh, so that's where it is! Remember how I was And all the Okay, so now Throw it out! We
Look what I just found rummaging through time it was that you've won't need it in
while I was packing! I've the closets and the right here found it, the new house!
been looking high and low drawers and the under my what are you
for this thing for the garbage for it? nose! going to do
past two years! with it?

And—the children were An' my sweet And the kitchen wall Sob! It's the only I want
born in that old house! li'l hamster still has the marks home I ever knew! My my darling
They learned to walk on is still loose of the children's— roots are there—an' little old
those old creaky floors! somewhere in sniff—growth record! they're being torn up! house back!
the basement! That ol' house meant
Security to me! Sob!
SOUP'S ON! DEPT.

HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH OUR FICTIONALIZED VERSION OF THINGS

WE'D PROBABLY FIND IF WE WERE TO EXAMINE THE CONTENTS OF

D E N T I F I C A T I O N CARD
NAME: <~S"°lAfA\ f^cJU^
ADDRESS:

OCCUPATION, "Wfl'iJAhSimj M.C.'

I N CASE OF EMERGENCY, NOTIFY:

TELEPHONE: CJUithJud^-l •_£M lAfuXL!

p fAVORiTE mpme PICTURE

Dear Mr. Sales:- ^ &

th Sei he
for i+ y o u that , ^ it t« SoUDu

business .Mr^ = ka?e , «itha iJi w entlrely

Darr0wci *~

SS33SB&KW* Very truly yours,

Mr. Soupy Sales
WNEVJ-TV,
New York City
Stanley Heartburn,
Creative Director. Dear Mr. Sales:—
I would like to appear as a guest on your TV Show.
I understand that a great deal of publicity is
usually given to the person hit with a "pie in the
face" . Of course, I' d be doing it for the fun of it
--but if newspaper photographers happened to be
there, you would have my permission to take any
photos you wanted.
I did have the opportunity to appear on your show
when I lived in California a few years back, and
perhaps it would have been better if 1 had visited
your show at that time, as things might have turned
out a little different.
Anyway, I'd appreciate an appointment at your
earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Richard M. Nixon
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN

WlVEvir

other » p i ; „ J® V e S o n e a l o n f f , • Py Sale
s Show
9Uest
SUShl We've i ? s , b u t ^ h ? * * *>u
cus
tard ^ s u ^ i e d v n n - h l s A«

New York City, N.Y.

Mr. Soupy S a l e s ,
WNEW-TV, New York C i t y ,
D e a r M r S a l e S :
- l these P i c t u r e s you sent u s .
16 arS
ror^to i ^ - "ou t h a t ^ of t h e .
a e S
? ! ac ce ptahle as a P a s s p o r t Photo .
Sincerely yours,
rision
JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART II
 ASPHALT JUNGLE-ANIMALS DEPT.
When people want to look at strange creatures, they usually go to the animal cages at the zoo. Ac-
tually, this is ridiculous. Why go to a zoo when there are millions of strange creatures running
wild around us. F'rinstance, there are the many species of wildlife that roam our nation's highways.
It might be much safer for mankind to cage them instead of the animals. But, till we do, here is

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER : FRANK JACOBS

THE GREAT SMOKY MAMMOTH THE NOISY UPSTART

(motorus tremendusus) (Blastus Obnoxious)
H a b i t a t : W e l l - T r a v e l e d Highways Habitat: Quiet Thoroughfares

This huge slow creature spends his entire life wandering There must be a reason for the Upstart's existence, but
from place to place. He is a born leader, which explains thus far, no one seems to have discovered it. He is most
why great numbers of smaller species can be seen as they're frequently observed on Saturdays and Sundays with other
following him faithfully up steep members of his species, charging
hills and grades. However, they wildly through the countryside. LOOK FOR:
quickly tire of him, which means These creatures rarely stop, but
that a Mammoth must seek out the even when they do, they continue
company of other Mammoths. This to emit loud, ear-splitting cries.
is done at garishly-lit feeding areas When two Upstarts meet, they may
known as "Truck Stops". De- want to prove their courage by
spite his size, a Smoky Mammoth racing toward each other at high
is a gentle beast and will never speed. Occasionally they collide,
charge, except going downhill. At which is the signal for a great
such times, he can work up great celebration among the Upstart's
speed and become uncontrollable, enemies, namely all the other
crushing any object in his path. species of our highway wildlife.
 THE DULL-EYED PLODDER THE INFERNAL TAILGATER
(commuterus interminus) (perpetualis behindus)
H a b i t a t : Clogged T h r u w a y s H a b i t a t : Directly I n Back Of You

From his outlying nest, this creature performs a weird No matter how desolate the area, you can always be sure
ritual, migrating once a day to his urban n e s t . . . then of encountering this remarkable creature on the road.
returning promptly eight hours The Infernal Tailgater is a born
LOOK FOR: later. It is rumored that the follower, and will patiently hug LOOK FOR:
Dull-Eyed Plodder is capable of your tail whether your speed be
great speed but this is unproven 10 or 100 miles per hour. Oddly
as he has never been observed to enough, the Tailgater is neither
move more than twelve miles per hostile nor friendly. He is just
hour. The main reason for this insecure. If you try to lose him,
is that this creature dislikes by stopping on the side of the
traveling all alone, preferring road, you will fail—because the
instead to join long lines of Tailgater will also stop on the
other Plodders who can be seen side of the road, wait patiently
creeping faithfully along each for you to start moving again,
week-day morning and evening. and pull out right behind you.

THE OLD HEAP THE SUDDEN TURN

(jalopius endurus) (signalus oblivious)
H a b i t a t : Emergency P a r k i n g Area H a b i t a t : Directly I n F r o n t Of You

The Old Heap is an unhappy creature who feels that the Of all the examples of Wildlife found on the American
world is passing him by. Actually, everything is passing Highway, the Sudden Turn is the deadliest of creatures,
him by—including horses, dogs and hitchhikers. Once, he especially the female of the species (although many of
was a thriving species and was admired by millions. 20 the males are equally as dangerous). She can be found
years ago, in fact, great herds traveling at a remarkably slow
LOOK FOR: were seen throughout the nation. pace in the left lane of almost
Today, he is a vanishing species any crowded highway or street.
on the verge of extinction. Only Then, suddenly, for no apparent
a few still run wild. Most Old reason, she will decide to turn
Heaps are spending their last right. Unfortunately, because of
days protected within preserves her unusually small brain, she
known as junkyards. Many High- lacks the ability to alert the
way Wildlife lovers argue that this
species in back of her, who must
creature can never be replaced.
They may be 'right, for as any stop quickly in order to avoid her.
mechanic will tell you, there're no Most often, they cannot—which
replacements for an Old Heap. results in the phenomenon of
M A T I N G CALL: nature known as "The Pile-Up".
'Chug-chug-cough-hiss-boom!'
yt£
 THE LIGHT-HEADED VEERER THE KEEN-EYED FUZZ
(alcoholus perilus) (unrelentus shamus)
Habitat: Oncoming Lanes H a b i t a t : W h e r e Least Expected

This species is best observed on holiday week-ends in The Keen-Eyed Fuzz is the most despised of our highway
the early morning hours. It is then that he departs his species. From his lair behind billboards or shrubs, he
favorite watering place so that lies in wait for his prey. When
he can carry out his weird sacri- a victim passes, the Fuzz darts LOOK FOR:
ficial rite of destroying himself swiftly out, following for miles
on the highway. Because he is a before going in for the kill. A
convivial creature, he is often Fuzz is a crafty creature, often
attracted to other, more sober disguising himself like his prey
species, usually at great speeds so that he won't be recognized.
and head-on. Unfortunately, there When seized, most Fuzz victims
is no chance of the Light-Headed invariably try to reason with
Veerer becoming extinct. Although him, but this is always useless.
thousands perish each year, they Unless, of course, the victim is
are immediately replaced by new, wise enough to satisfy a Fuzz's
M A T I N G CALL: younger members of the species. appetite for ten-dollar bills. M A T I N G CALL:
"Cra-a-a-(hic)-a-sh!" "RRRrrrRRRrrrRRRRRrrrrr!"

THE DOUBLE-TAILED FLASH THE FRUSTRATED PARKER

r]
(dementus acceleratus) (circulus interminus)
H a b i t a t : B l i n d Curves a n d Hills H a b i t a t : Any Crowded S h o p p i n g Area

This species is hardly ever observed standing still. He The Frustrated Parker is a common species, abounding in
has one ambition in life, which is to pass every other large cities. He can be observed circling other roosted
creature that he encounters. He usually does this with members of his species, trying to find a place of his
great e a s e . . . unless, of course, he encounters another own to settle down in. Sometimes he is lucky and spies
Double-Tailed Flash coming the a place recently vacated, swoop-
other way with the same object ing in eagerly. But most times,
in mind. In such a case, the two he can spend hours and even days
creatures will cooperate, with one hovering and circling and never
passing on the left, and the other finding a spot to rest. And when
passing on the right—and the this occurs, a Frustrated Parker
two meeting soon after with great will usually do something stupid,
abandon in the middle of the road. like dropping into an area where
This action invariably attracts roosting is forbidden. Then, the
another species — T h e White-
Keen-Eyed Fuzz will move in and
Coated Coverer (ambulances
morticianus) who then delivers tag him for later identification
them to their final destination. before another species, a Black-
Robed Magistrate (judgus finum).
 OUR CREATURE PRESENTATION DEPT.

HOItltOK
iUovie
Scenes
We'tl Like
To See
ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: DON EDWING
 There's no question about it!
These two front ones have got t o go!

39
JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART III

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40
FOAM POEM DEPT.

~~THE RIME
OF THE
MODERN SURFER (With apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge's "The Rime of the Ancient
Written by Tom Koch Illustrated by Don Martin
Mariner")

He gazed at her with limpid eyes; When he sought out a willing ear She sat upon the sandy beach; And he poured forth his eerie yarn
A trick not oft to fail To bore with his long tale. There languidly she posed; While frequently she dozed.
 "One summer day at Malibu," We found a wave of monstrous height Nine weeks no food did pass our lips;
He spoke both dull and slow, On that momentous day; We were like men depraved.
"Rock, Tab and I did mount the surf But when we poised to ride it in, Yet as we skimmed past Waikiki,
To stage our wondrous show. It went the other way! The folk just stood and waved.

On but one board we'd pyramid, With Rock upon my shoulders broad, Our lips grew parched; our throats burned dry,
And ride the frothy whirls; And Tab on top of Rock, We surfed in mortal dread.
A stunt so perilous we hoped We hurtled toward the open sea; Then all at once, a sea gull came
It might attract some girls. No beach our path to block. And perched upon my head.

V
A lucky omen!' cried out Tab, 'You've just rubbed out our good luck charm!' Both, fearful that our board was cursed,
And Rock, he thought so, too. Wailed Tab, a nervous wreck, Jumped in the briny swell.
They meant good luck 'twas on my head; While Rock, more prone to action, tied I can't say that I blame them much;
They knew what birds can do! The gull around my neck. Dead birds soon start to smell!

We surfed past Wake and Midway Isles, A dead bird seldom flatters o n e - Alone, I oiled my gorgeous frame
The bird still on my skull. Worn casually and loose. And sunned as oft before.
What peril to my golden locks! My lavaliere less stunning still; But somehow, beach bum life's no fun
Half-crazed, I killed the gull. Rock tied a hangman's noose. Three thousand miles from shore.
Then there appeared a phantom yacht The Phantom paced the ghostly deck, I wanted to defend the gang
With old and rotting hull. His eyes alive with flame. Against that creep on deck.
'What's up?' I asked the creep in charge. 'Dern surfing crowd!' he cried at last; Why blame us all just 'cause I wore
Said he, 'You killed my gull!' 'You bums are all the same! His bird around my neck?

I cursed myself with nasty words. Six thousand years ago last week, Said he, 'I've seen those surfing films
Oh, how could I forget I touched Phoenician shores, Through spy glass from this hull.
The warning: Never kill a gull; And found blond idlers on the beach. No movie fan would spare your kind.
It might be someone's pet! They, too, were crashing bores!' Then, too, you killed my gull!'

Not even could my sun-tan bronze; I hoped some day, my penance done, 'Mid shrouds of fog, I dared not hope;
(Oh, cruel throw of dice!) The surf would take me home. For though I'd heard a yell,
The vengeful wave I rode shot north! There really isn't much to see A Coast Guard bellow sounds much like
Who lolls and suns on ice? Between Murmansk and Nome. A demon's cry in hell.
 v
At last I spied the rescue boat. The men leaned forward in the boat, You twang guitars, drive beat-up cars,
Its captain asked his mate, Their vision best to clear. Hold luaus by the sea.
4 v
Do our reports show anything He is,' quoth one. The other said, To save your kind would just louse up
This strange as lost of late?' *l thought so! Leave him here!' The Great Society!

The Coast Guard mate brought forth his log 'Our orders come from Washington,' So be a pal,' the captain said,
x
And curtly said, T i l check. The captain told me true, And just stay here and drown.
Is this one on a surf board with 'To rescue crooks and drunks adrift; We'll notify your next of kin
A gull around his neck?' Not surfing bums like you.' When we get back to town.'

Thus having spoke, he put about Though I survive, I'm still accursed; So now I wander down the beach,
And vanished in the mist, My life more grim than good. And hope I yet may sell
Erasing me, per orders, from I can't dispel the dream to sell 'The Longest Surf-Tale Ever Told'.
The Coast Guard rescue list. My yarn to Hollywood. That title fits it well!"

<ZZZd>

Yet I am not a ghostly thing From studio to studio, With voice now hoarse, the surfer brought
That's speaking now to you. I roam and tell my tale. His story to a close.
By chance, the trade winds blew me south. They threw me out at M-G-M; And left his audience of one
Back here to Malibu. At Fox, they said, vNo sale!'" Alone in peace to doze.
44
 THE PLAY BY-PLAY'S THE THING DEPT.
The latest trend in TV coverage is known as "In Depth" reporting. Those who followed the 1964
Political Conventions know what that means . . . armies of "Anchor M e n " , "Floor M e n " , "Local
Color M e n " , and "That's-The-Story-As-lt-Looks-From-Here Men" interviewing everyone in sight
to get the "Full Story". Because this type of coverage proved successful, it won't be long before
unimaginative network big-wigs decide to turn these squads of reporters loose in other areas
of television. F'rinstance, MAD now presents a preview of what to expect in one of the many
areas that does not need this type of coverage, and so will probably get it! Mainly, here is . . .

t§

FOOTBALL "IN DEPTH

Good afternoon, football fans! This is Mel Hyndsite,
coming to you from the broadcasting booth high atop
jam-packed Rocket Stadium! It's a beautiful, crisp,
cool day t o d a y . . . really great weather for a great
football game! What do you say, Charlie D i t t o e . . . ?

ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITERS: RONALD AXE & SOL WEINSTEIN

,

r •
This is John Hunt, your 10-to-20 It seems we're having Well, Mel, it looks to me as though
Yardline Reporter! Just seconds a little technical we've had a little technical difficulty!
ago, I asked coach Albie Vermin difficulty down there, Interestingly enough, while we were trying
what kind of a football day it but we'll bring you to show you that tape, the Hawks kicked
looked like to him! And here's that tape as soon as off to the Rockets! But for that story
his a n s w e r . . . recorded just our engineers have it let's switch to Ward Ellis down
moments ago—thanks to the cleared up. Charlie? on the playing field . . .
miracle of video t a p e . . .
 Fans, as Charlie Dittoe just reported, and Thanks for that That sure was a high kick by Number 88, Groza Spinoza.
I can confirm it from here, the Hawks have penetrating Incidentally, while Ward was bringing that report to
kicked off! The ball was taken at the analysis of us, Rocket halfback Max Shnell ran the kickoff back
Rocket five yard line! But the unusual thing Groza Spinoza's for a touchdown! Joe "the Toe" Williams then
was the height of that kick! I don't believe kick, Ward! failed to kick the extra point—the first time that's
I've seen a football go so high in my fifteen happened in his career!
years of announcing this great game of pro
football! Anyhow, that's the way the kickoff
looked from here! Now, back to the booth . . .

That's okay, Charlie! I see I'm down here in the

that the Rockets are now in Rocket huddle where
their huddle with fourth they've just called a
down and 3 yards to go for a "Quarterback Sneak"!
score! So let's go to our This could really
Huddle Man, Jim Sony, catch the Hawks off
for that story . . guard...

You heard it, guys—

" . . . could really catch
QUARTERBACK SNEAK!
the Hawks off guard . . .
Let's KILL'EM!!
 Gary Kalshine here at the side of Finn Starr, Well, Gary, I would guess
this is about the worst Would you care to tell our viewing
who seems to be regaining consciousness after
injury I've ever sustained! audience if you mean "physically"
being tackled by the entire Hawk line! How or "emotionally", Finn?
do you feel, Finn??

Mainly physically, Gary! Well, that's the word from here, folks! Later on,
Both my legs are broken ! Ron Freedman, our Man-At-The-Hospital, will be
on hand to continue the interview just as soon as
Finn arrives at the Emergency Room!
Meanwhile—back to the booth . . .

Hate to change the subject, Mel, but I'm trying to get a few words
during the past few minutes there's from half Hawkback, er, Hawk
been a lot of scoring down there by halfback Biff Shlubb a s . . .
both sides! And if I'm not mistaken, p u f f . . . he races towards . . .
this is the kind of thing that may well p u f f . . . the goal line . . .
decide the outcome of this g a m e -
not to mention the championship!
With just seconds left to play, let's go
down to Hank Wilson . . .
 With this game all knotted up I'm glad you asked me He's down to the 20 . . . the 15 .
at 33-33 . . . puff. . . and you in that question, Hank . . . here comes a t a c k i e r . . . he's
the clear. . . and just 12 seconds down to the 10 . ..
to go . . . puff . . . do you think
you'll go all the way, Biff?

Well, that was the interview we tried to bring That's right, Mel! And incidentally, while you
you earlier when we developed technical were watching it, the last play of this crucial
John, in answer to that question, difficulties! But now, thanks to the miracle Championship game was concluded! Biff
I just want to say that, in my of video tape, you finally saw it! Shlubb, charging toward the goal line . . .
personal opinion, it looks like a
beautiful crisp, cool, great day
for a football game . . .

And, I should add right now, Charlie Gee, Mel, I hate 'm afraid not, Charlie! There's just enough time to tell our listeners that this
that this was only the fourth time in to interrupt, but "Football In Depth" Presentation featured Anchor Men Charlie Dittoe and
the history of this league that a 175 do we have time yours-truly Mel Hyndsite—Produced by Howard Cunningham—Directed by
pound halfback of Polish extraction . for the final Nigel Evans—Statistical Research by Jethro Abney—our Men-On-The-Field
score? were John Hunt at the 10 yard line, Ward Ellis at the 20, Arnold Stone at the
30, Kenny Levitz at the . . .
 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
WHAT
WILD
FRENZY
WILL
MAD FOLD-IN
Every year, American college students have come
FUTURE up with at least one wild fad. But the wildest
COLLEGE craze of them all started recently, and it will
continue to get even more frenzied as years go
STUDENTS by. Future college students will all find them-
FACE? selves caught up in this madness. Fold the page
in as shown, and you'll see this crazy new bit.

FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT FOLD BACK SO " A " MEETS " B '

COLLEGE FADS OF THE PAST HAVE FEATURED PANTY-RAIDING,

GOLDFISH-SWALLOWING AND TELEPHONE BOOTH-STUFFING

Colleges will face tempered mob rule in College authorities ages in d o r m i t o r i e s ,

mounting incidents the form of wild fads, will be hard-pressed classrooms and other
of dangerous short- raids, sit- ins, etc to control such ramp- student facilities.

A | IB
 MADS
Great
Moments
In
Advertising
THE
DAY
THEY

FORGOT

TO
PUT

THE

TOP
DOWN

FOR
THE

HERTZ

COMMERCIAL
Photography by Irving "Av. ; 5" Schild