ACT 1 SCENE 1 “TWo PEOPLE ARE SPOTLIGHTED IN A DARK PUB WITH A FEW PEOPLE BEHIND THEM, AND ANOTHER COMES RUNNING IN, RED. Dave RILEY: SORRY, MY BLOODY CAR BROKE DOWN, AND I COULDN'T BLOODY GET ‘ERE! ToNa SMITH: DON'T WORRY, HALF THE PEOPLE HAVEN'T SHOWN UP ‘YET. I WAS DOING JOKES, THEN REALISED I DIDN'T HAVE AN AUDIENCE. ALSO, I THOUGHT YA WERE USING YA MUMS CAR? You BROKE THAT TOO, MATE! CAST MEMBER LAUGHS Cast MEMBER: ALREADY? RECORD! GIVEN A CLIPBOARD AND PEN Cast: DAD CAR: 2pavs, COUSIN CAR: 5 %4 DAYS MUM CAR: 19mINs, 52 SECONDS. Dave: On sHuT UP. Yeva RASTIKOVISH: Dave! OM6, HOW ARE YOU? I'VE BEEN TRYING. TO CALL You! How ARE YoU? OH, SORRY, I'VE ALREADY SAID ‘THAT, HAVEN'T L,Dave: Yeval UM... WHY ARE You HERE? ARE YoU A CAST MEMBER? ToNA SMITH: SHE'S THE HAIRSTYLIST. TALKING OF WHICH.. WHY DID THE HAIRSTYLIST WIN AN AWARD? BECAUSE SHE WAS A CUT ABOVE THE RESTI Dave: OH. YEVA RAXGTIOWIEH, YOU LOOK LIKE... SOMEONE I USED TO Know. ‘SILENCE FOR A WHILE Toa: WOULD A JOKE LIGHTEN THE MOOD? OKAY, WHY D0 PROGRAMMERS PREFER CODING IN DARK MODE? BECAUSE THE UGHT ATTRACTS BUGS. HAHAHAHA, Dave: Iona. Twar's NOT FUNNY. Cast MEMBER RUNS ONTO STAGE Cast MEMBER: HAVE YOU SEEN THE BLOODY PRICE FOR A. BLEEDING BEER! 7 BLOODY POUNDS FIFTY! Dave: Say wHaT Now! YEAH, I'M OUTTA HERE. BUT YOU CAN STAY HERE, Yeva, LF YOU WANT. Yeva: No, I WANT To GO rr You!YOUNG Zoe RILEY WALKS IN. SHE LOOKS SIMILAR TO YEVA. Zoe: Dave, Dave, I WANNA PLAY WITH You! I'LL GO WITH YOU TO ‘THE PARK! PLEASE DAVEY? Dave: (To Yeva) NAH, STAY HERE LOVE. | DUNNO WHAT POLISH PUBS ARE LIKE BUT £7.50 MIGHT ACTUALLY BE EXACTLY YOUR BUDGET. SO STOP BEING IN THE WAY, Yeva: RIGHT. THAT'S FINE, GREAT EVEN! DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN STEP-SIS. LL JUST STAY HERE, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. DAVE WALKS OUT, WITH IONA FOLLOWING BEHIND, AND EVERYONE ELSE. Act 1 Scene 2 DAVE AND IONA ARE WALKING HOME con tell seemg her g Tona: You GOTTA GET OVER ZOE. SHE DIED 12 YEARS AGO. YOUVE FINISHED THE CANCER WARD, YOU SPOKE TO HER FUNERAL. I KNOW SHE WAS BLOODY YOUNG— Dave: SHE WAS BLEEDING TEN. I WAS THIRTEEN. YEVA IS HER. ‘SAME BLOODY AGE, SPEAKS THE BLOODY SAME, LOOKS THE BLOODY ‘SAME, EVEN MORE THAN SHE USED TO.ToNa stops Tona: YeVA IS NOT SOME REINCARNATED POLISH HAIR STYLIST Zoe. YOU GET INTO THAT HEADSET AND YOULL BE FINE. JUST TALK ‘YO HER AND STOP ACTING LIKE A TODDLER WHO'S JUST LOST THEIR FAVORITE TOY. Dave: ONLY IF YoU STOP THE DAD JOKES. ToNa: DEAL. TONA'S FINGERS ARE CROSSED BEHIND HER BACK. Act 1 Scene 3 ON A Ser, Witt DAVE PRACTICING LINES AND YEVA DOING SOMEONE'S HAIR.Dave: Tonal CAN You HELP ME WITH My BLOODY LINES! I CANT GET THIS BLOODY CHARACTER, AND DUNNO HOW TO DO THE BLOODY LINES! Yeva: TL po rr! Dave: Iona! ToNa: (FROM OFFSTAGE) Busy! Ask Izzy! Dave: SHE'S sick! Tona: RACHEL? Dave: Sick. ToNa: (TAKES A BREATH) OR MILA, OR POLLY, OR BETH, OR AMELIE, OR AMELIA, OR VALERIE OR SARAH, OR... OR ZOE, OR IMOGEN, OR THE OTHER MILA, OR MILLIE, OR SYBIL, OR MARK, OR. Maruew? Dave: Aut sick. Yeva: TLL HELP! I KNOW ALL THE LINES! Dave: (UNSURELY) ALRIGHT.DAVE WALKS OVER AND BEGINS TALKING TO HER, BUT STUMBLES BACK AFTER A MINUTE. ‘Younss Zoe (WHO LOOKS SIMILAR TO YEVA) WALKS ON STAGE Zor: HEY, DO YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME!Da.vels” Zoe: HEY HOw ARE YOU? Dave: I CANT po THis. DAVE RUNS OFF STAGE, LEAVING YEVA ALONE. Act 1 Scene 4 DAVE WALKS AROUND THE STAGE, PERFORMING SILENTLY, AND DIFFERENT CAST MEMBERS WALK AND DO THINGS. PHYSICAL THEATRE, ACTING, PERFORMING, DOING HAIRSTYLES ETC. Dave: (WALKS OVER To YevA) Hey, HOW ARE YA? CAN'T BELIEVE WEVE FINISHED THE FILM. Yeva: Hil I'M 600p! ARE You Goon? THANK You! TiRED THOUGH! ‘THINK WE ALL ARE, AREN'T WE? I CERTAINLY AM! ZOE WALKS ON STAGE BUT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING. Dave MUMBLES, Tona: You GUYS ARE FRIENDS Now! Warr, BuT DAVE, YOU WERE LITERALLY TELLING ME THE OTHER DAY~Dave: DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. ToNa: YA TOOK YA TIME. I NEED A DRINK. PEOPLE CHEER. Acr 1 Scene 5 IN THE SAME PUB AS WAS BEFORE, ORDERING DRINKS AND. TALKING. Dave: Hey, Yeva. Step-sis. Yeva: HELLo! IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT? YOU SEEM TO BE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING, BUT NEVER QUITE GETTING THERE IN OUR CONVERSATIONS. ARE MUM AND DAD ALRIGHT? Dave: (murrers) Your DAD, Yeva: War bib You SAY? ToNA: (WALKS IN) HEY, MY FAVORITE TWO FILM PEOPLE, STUFF. MY POOKIES. My BESTIES, MY TWO SiBS Dave: Sies?Tons: Steines. GeT WITH THE NEW SLANG. Dave: Od, BLOODY HELL. THAT'S NoT- SHuT UP. Now. PLEASE. TonA: BORING. Sigs. Yeva: L Love rr ‘YOUNG ZOE WALKS ON STAGE: Zoe: L Love You Davey! I Like YOUR T-SHIRT. Dave: Go away, Zoe! Yeva: Zoe? Dave, I THOUGHT YOU STOPPED SEEING HER. PLEASE, TM Nor Dave: I'M SORRY. I'M WORKING ON Fr. ‘Yeva: Goob. I oT SCARED FOR A SECOND. SORRY, DAVEY. EVERYONE STOPS Tona: Davey? WHY DID You CALL HIM THAT? Yeva! HeLL— ZOE 1S WHEELED IN IN HOSPITAL GOWNS, AND WIRES. Zoe: Don't FoRGeT ME, Davey. I Love You,Dave: SHuT UP! I DON'T NEED You! Go Away, You'RE NoT WHAT I NEED, DISAPPEAR, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE IN MANCHESTER, YOU DON'T BELONG ANYWHERE, SO JUST DIE LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED To! YEVA RUNS OFF STAGE. Tona: Dave! Loox WHAT YOUVE DONE! TONA RUNS OFF. Act 1 Scene 6 DAVE IS SITTING ON THE FLOOR. TONA WALKS OVER. ToNa: Dip You CATCH HER AT THE AIRPORT? Dave: I DIDN'T Go. I COULDN'T. WE ARENT SUPPOSED TO BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES, I REALISE THAT NOW.Tona: So YOU LeT HER GO? WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US? I LIKED YEVA, WE ALL DID, BUT YOU COULDN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO CATCH HER? I WANTED HER TO BE IN MY BLOODY LiFE! COULD THAT NOT HAVE HAPPENED? I LIKED HER. YOU COULD'VE BEEN MY STEP-BROTHER-IN-LAW. Dave: REALLY? You SHOULD'VE GONE THEN. WHY DID YOU SEND. Me? ToNa: I JUST IMAGINED A SIBLING EMBRACE AT THE SECURITY. Like iN Love ACTUALLY AT THE END. I REGRET THAT NOW. ‘SILENCE Dave: PLL 60. Tona: HER PLANE'S HALFWAY TO POLAND, LOVE. YOUVE MISSED HER, SMARTIE~PANTS, Dave: PLL 60 To POLAND THEN. F'LL CATCH HER. Act 1 Scene 7 AT AN AIRPORT ‘YEVA WALKS ON STAGEYevA sicus. DAVE RUNS ON STAGE Dave: Yeva! I'M SORRY, IT'S ALL My FAULT, [ WANT A SISTER! L WANT You. Is IT TOO LATE? Yeva: Dave! Tuey Hue! Yeva: How ARE YOU HERE? My PLANE JUST LANDED? WERE YoU on in? Dave: Privare eT! Yeva: BUT YOUR BANK ACCOUNT HAS ALL THE ZEROS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Dave: THANKS. WELL, NOW IT DOES. BUT OUR MOVIE IS THROUGH ‘THE ROOF! Yeva: How bo You THINK I AFFORDED THE PLANE TICKETS? TONA RUNS IN Tona: Yeva! (PANTING)Dave: Lona? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ToNA: MAKING SURE YOU HADN'T CHICKENED OUT OF ALL OF THiS. I KNOW YOU, AND THE PERCENTAGE OF ALL OF US ENDING IN THE: SAME AIRPORT IS IN-THENEGATIVES. [ike Au Hus ‘ZOE WALKS IN. Zoe: I Love You Dave. I's TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE. BYE. ZOE WALKS OFFSTAGE. (CAST MEMBERS ALL WALK ON AND JOIN THE HUG.