Less Soap, More Blood
by
Joseph Arnone
Copyright © 2020 www.MonologueBlogger.com
FADE IN
EXT. PARK PIER - DAY
GREGORY casually stands on the edge of the pier and casts his
line into the pond. As he patiently waits for a bite, distant
footsteps can be heard behind him.
ROMA
(enraged)
Hey! Fucker!
Gregory turns around. Surprised to see Roma, he quickly reels
in his line and lays down his fishing rod.
GREGORY
(surprised)
Roma! How are you, dear?
ROMA
Don't give me that bullshit! Your text
said you were having a meeting in your
office!
(beat)
And yet, here you are!
Roma gestures towards Gregory’s fishing gear.
GREGORY
Okay, fine. Sometimes I come out here
to destress after working too much.
ROMA
Sounds like a good problem to have,
Greg! I, on the other hand, need to
work or I'm going to explode out of my
mind. I'm sick of these three-word
lines at these horrible auditions. Am
I not good enough for a full sentence
anymore?!
GREGORY
(pause)
...Obviously, you're upset.
ROMA
Upset!! I'm angry! We've been working
together for two years, and all you
send me out on are soap commercials.
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2.
GREGORY
Well, to be honest...if you can just
calm down and give me a second, I
might have a new job for you.
ROMA
(calming)
A new job?
GREGORY
(nervous)
It may not be exactly what you wish to
hear right this instant, but your ears
must have been ringing---
ROMA
Just spit it out.
GREGORY
Well...I received a call today...and,
as it turns out...there's a director
who wants to cast you in something
but, before you get crazy, let me just
say it's a wonderful opportunity, he's
a good director, his short film just
got into Sundance.
ROMA
Greg. I will literally feed your
testicles to the ducks in this pond if
you don’t tell me what it’s for…RIGHT
NOW!
GREGORY
...It's for a soap commercial.
ROMA
(simmering)
A what?
GREGORY
(clears his throat)
A soap commercial.
Roma stares at Gregory with a menacing smile on her face.
GREGORY
Roma, look. Let me put this into
perspective for---
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3.
ROMA
Gregory, can I ask you a question?
GREGORY
Sure.
ROMA
Is my work as an actress going to
consist of being a soap star?
As Roma speaks, Gregory grabs his fishing gear and walks past
Roma, heading towards the nearest bench as Roma follows
behind still talking.
ROMA
I have five different soap brands
sending me free boxes of their
products to my home each month. I have
enough soap to cleanse all of Detroit
for an entire year. And trust me, I’d
be doing those unsanitary bastards a
favor!
GREGORY
I know, I know, but if you take this
gig, it will be good for you.
ROMA
It will be good for you! I'm making
you money and you're causing my career
to spiral downward faster than a
Boeing seven thirty-seven! What the
hell did I do ten years of theatre
for?! I played Lady Macbeth! I killed
myself over that role! Those lines
still penetrate my brain...''blood on
my hands!'' I can't take this
degrading industry anymore. I need
something I can sink my fangs into. I
am hungry and I need to eat a giant
piece of fat meat right here and-
Roma imitates eating meat in the air.
ROMA
(cont'd)
Like that! I want to work on a role
that will actually show what I'm
capable of giving to this sucked out
humanity. Less soap, more blood!
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4.
Gregory places his fishing gear on the bench and takes a
seat, looking up at Roma.
GREGORY
I don't have to tell you that you've
picked a tough industry.
ROMA
_____________
It picked me!
GREGORY
Exactly. It picked you. Listen, if you
succeed in your role, you’re
guaranteed to get more substantial
castings. Diversity, equity, and
inclusion are the foundation of the
American entertainment industry! And
there is no chance of it ever being
dissolved.
Roma stares at Gregory again, unsure of his bold statement.
ROMA
Can't you find me work in an arthouse
film?
GREGORY
That's not really my wheelhouse.
Roma gives Gregory a nasty look.
GREGORY
But…I will try. I'm sure I can find
you something.
ROMA
You better. The inside of my home
looks like a damn Bath and Body Works
store.
GREGORY
Roma? I have to ask you this because
they need to know today. Will you do
this commercial?
ROMA
Where are they shooting?
GREGORY
Tokyo, Japan.
Created using Celtx
5.
ROMA
Really? That’s new.
GREGORY
It's going to be shot like a movie
instead of a regular soap commercial.
I’ll send you the script.
Gregory pulls out his phone and messages the script to Roma.
Roma then pulls out her phone to open the file and reads.
ROMA
(reading aloud)
She pulls out gun and screams, "You
will never take my fragrance!" BOOM,
BOOM, BOOM! She fires three rounds
into the Bacteria Critters.
Roma looks at Gregory.
ROMA
What are Bacteria Critters?
GREGORY
Soap killing creatures.
Gregory stands up from the bench and clears his throat.
GREGORY
You are the heroine defending the
soaps right to keep us clean. Like,
Batman, except for soap.
(beat)
They plan on doing a series, an
ongoing commercial series of this and
you've been chosen for the lead.
ROMA
Sounds different.
GREGORY
Less soap, more blood...right?
ROMA
...Okay.
GREGORY
You’ll do it?
Created using Celtx
6.
ROMA
...Yes, since I know I'm needed,
Gregory.
GREGORY
I'll call them this instant.
ROMA
But, Greg.
GREGORY
Yes, Roma?
ROMA
(menacing)
If I find out you lied to me about ANY
___
of this… I will take every single bar
and bottle of soap I have and dump it
into this pond…along with your dead
body. It's gonna look like the Boston
Soap Party up in here.
GREGORY
(nervous)
Please tell me you’re joking…
ROMA
(menacing)
And they’ll never know it was me…
Because my hands will be clean.
Roma walks away laughing leaving Gregory frightened and
speechless.
CUT TO BLACK.
Created using Celtx
