TRUMAN WACO

"Binge Watching"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CARLA (40) is in the room. TRUMAN (40) and LEVI (35) walk in
carrying a TV box with a pizza box on top of it. They put
the boxes down.
TRUMAN
OK. One pizza and one TV.
CARLA
Who told you to buy a new TV?
TRUMAN
I was watching a commercial on our
old TV, and it said, "Buy a new
TV."
LEVI
You know, something like that
happened to last week, while I was
having sex.
TRUMAN
You mean someones old vagina told
you to buy a new vagina?
LEVI
Sort of. Its a long story.
CARLA
Please dont tell it.
LEVI
Well. I gotta get going. You know
how my wife is. She wants me to be
home at 8:30 sharp.
TRUMAN
Have a slice before you go.
LEVI
Well. I mean, I already ate an
entire pizza in the car. But I
guess I can have another slice.
TRUMAN
Also, you dont have a wife or
home. You live here with us.
LEVI
Right. Yeah. In that case, Ill
have two slices, and maybe Ill
order another pizza.

2.

Everyone starts eating pizza.

BRUNO walks down the stairs.
TRUMAN
Bruno--check it out. A new TV.
Truman grabs a remote, points it at the new TVs box, and
presses power repeatedly. The old TV behind him turns on and
off repeatedly, but Truman focuses on the new TVs box.
TRUMAN
How come the new TV isnt turning
on?
BRUNO
Well. I can think of three main
reasons. One, youre using the
remote for the old TV. Two, you
havent plugged in the new TV. And
three, you havent even taken the
newt TV out of its box.
TRUMAN
Well why do they have to make
technology so complicated these
days? In the 80s, you didnt have
to do all of that unbox and plug in
crap. You just pressed power on
your old remote, and your new TV
leapt out of the box and turned on.
Plus, gas only cost 23 cents a
gallon, and when you got an STD, it
actually made you better at sex.
Not like all these new STDs.
(later)
Bruno finishes setting up the TV. He uses the remote and
turns the TV on.
BRUNO
OK. This is a Smart TV.
TRUMAN
What does that mean?
BRUNO
It connects to the internet.
TRUMAN
Oh. Like my underwear.

3.

BRUNO
Your underwears not connected to
the internet.
TRUMAN
Then how come any time I take off
my underwear, I hear the AOL guy
say, "Youve got mail!"
LEVI
Because youre a schizophrenic.
TRUMAN
(to Bruno)
So whats so great about having a
TV thats connected to the
internet?
BRUNO
Well. You can watch TV shows
whenever you want. Like, you click
on HBO Go, and then you click on
Sex and the City, and then you can
find the episode where Carrie and
Mr. Big eat nachos for dinner.
TRUMAN
How do you know so much about Sex
and the City?
BRUNO
Because Im a ten year old boy.
Doesnt every ten year old boy know
a lot about Sex and the City?
(flips through the HBO Go
menu)
Anyways, look. Any episode of any
HBO show. You can even watch, like,
a whole season of a show all at
once. Its called binge watching.
TRUMAN
Sounds stupid to me.
INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Truman is watching TV. Carla walks into the room.
CARLA
Honey. Did you go to bed last
night?

4.

TRUMAN
No.
CARLA
Well what the hell have you been
doing?
TRUMAN
Watching Entourage. Im up to
season three.
CARLA
You dont have to watch the entire
show in one sitting.
TRUMAN
Honey--will you stop talking? Aris
about the close the deal for
Medellin.
Levi walks out of the kitchen.
CARLA
Are you ready?
LEVI
Yeah.
CARLA
Well wheres your bag?
LEVI
Why would I need a bag to go back
upstairs and have sex with the
woman in my room?
CARLA
What are you talking about? Were
going to mom and dads house.
LEVI
Oh. When you said, "Are you ready?"
I thought you meant, "Are you ready
to go back upstairs and have sex
with the woman in your room?"
CARLA
Why the hell would I ask that? I
meant, "Are you ready to leave for
mom and dads house?"

5.
LEVI
No. Let me go get packed.
He goes upstairs, and comes back down seconds later with a
BROOKE (30). Hes also holding a plastic bag containing some
clothes.
LEVI
OK. Im ready. Oh--this is my
friend Brooke. Brooke--this is my
sister Carla.
CARLA
Hi.
BROOKE
Hi.
(to Levi)
Wow, Joe. You must be a really good
brother. I mean, you let your
sister live here at your house.
LEVI
Actually, this is her house.
BROOKE
Oh. No wonder your room isnt the
master bedroom. So, uh, I guess
youre not really a millionaire who
makes iPhone apps.
LEVI
Yeah. That was a little white lie.
BROOKE
Um. That doesnt really qualify as
a little white lie.
LEVI
Well, I expanded the definition of
little white lie, to include any
lies you tell women so that theyll
sleep with you. So yeah--the whole
thing about how Im an iPhone app
millionaire, and Im
Leonardo DiCaprios brother
Donatello, and I won three Super
Bowls with the Raiders--those
were little white lies.
BROOKE
Well is there anything about last
night that wasnt a little white
lie?

6.

LEVI
Well. Remember when I said that I
have a PhD in chemistry? That was
true. And also, you know how I said
that I shower 7 times a week. That
was a little white lie. Its more
like four times a week.
Bruno walks down the stairs.
BRUNO
Alright. Im packed.
CARLA
Truman. Were leaving for my
parents house, and well be back
tomorrow afternoon.
TRUMAN
(imitating Ari Gold)
The gym, Lloyd! The fucking gym!
INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Truman is still watching TV. Carla, Levi, and Bruno walk in.
Truman continues watching TV.
CARLA
Truman. Were home.
TRUMAN
(to an imaginary person)
Hold on, Lloyd. My wife is on the
other line.
CARLA
Who the hell are you talking to?
TRUMAN
Honey--I cant chat now. Vince is
about to get out of rehab, and
were about to close the deal for
Aquaman 3.
CARLA
Youve
been watching Entourage nonstop
since we left?
TRUMAN
Thats correct.

7.
CARLA
That was a day and a half ago.
TRUMAN
I didnt hire you to be my gay
Chinese calendar, Lloyd.
CARLA
Truman--youve been watching the
same show for 48 hours straight.
TRUMAN
Everyone does it. Its called binge
watching. The gym, Lloyd! The
fucking gym!
CARLA
Truman--youre becoming obsessed
with this show. Youre an addict.
BRUNO
Yeah. Why cant you be addicted to
a good show, like Sex and the City,
or Thats My Mama?
TRUMAN
Im not addicted to Entourage. I
mean, Im about to finish it. You
cant be addicted to something that
youre done with. Let me put it
this way. If you finish all of the
worlds crack, then you cant be
addicted to crack. Theres no more
crack to be addicted to.
CARLA
Well how much more crack do you
have to do?
TRUMAN
Five episodes.
CARLA
Fine.
INT HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
Carla is awake in bed. She wakes Truman up.
CARLA
Honey. Get up. Youre gonna be late
for work.

8.

TRUMAN
I dont work at the factory
anymore.
CARLA
What do you mean?
TRUMAN
Im gonna be an agent, like Ari
Gold.
CARLA
Ari Gold is a fictional character.
TRUMAN
Hes based on a real agent named
Morty Edelman. Hes the guy who
got Bob Saget the Full House deal
in the 80s. Before that, Bob Saget
was just some some nobody actor,
and he was still performing using
his real name.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
(Flashback Scene)
A young BOB SAGET is sitting across from MORTY (45).
MORTY
So youre looking for a new agent?
BOB SAGET
Yeah.
MORTY
Whats your name?
BOB SAGET
Bob Sutherfucker.
MORTY
Sutherfucker? You shouldnt perform
using that name. You gotta use a
stage name. Bob Sutherfucker sounds
too much like Bob Motherfucker.
BOB SAGET
I guess so. Well If Im not gonna
be Bob Sutherfucker, then who
should I be?

9.

MORTY
How about you change your name to
Bob Socksucker, or Bob Saget?
BOB SAGET
Bob Saget?
MORTY
Yeah.
BOB SAGET
Well. Its better than Bob
Sutherfuker. OK. So how are you
gonna get me acting jobs?
MORTY
Well. I have an idea. ABC is
looking for someone to star in a
new cheesy family sitcom called
Full House.
BOB SAGET
Oh. Great. You can get me an
audition?
MORTY
Audition? No--thats not how you
get cast in a cheesy family sitcom.
BOB SAGET
How do you get cast in a cheesy
family sitcom?
MORTY
(on speakerphone / intercom)
Gina--get me a video camera and
some Rocky Road ice cream.
INT. 1980S ABC OFFICE - DAY
ABCS PRESIDENT (male, 45) is talking to an ABC EXECUTIVE
(male, 40).
ABC PRESIDENT
Im thinking of moving MacGyver
over to Wednesday, and then moving
Growing Pains to Tuesday, and then
we can shimmy Mr. Belvedere into
our Monday lineup, and boom---on
Tuesdays, well show Make Room for
Daddy.

10.

ABC EXECUTIVE
Thats a good idea--except Make
Room for Daddy was canceled in
1964.
ABC EXECUTIVE 2 (male, 40) walks into the room holding a
video tape.
ABC EXECUTIVE 2
You gotta see this video. Its of
some guy named Bob Saget.
He puts the rap in a VCR, and everyone watches it. It show
Bob Saget chocking himself and rubbing his body with Rocky
Road ice cream.
ABC PRESIDENT
This man is a sick son of a bitch,
and he ought to be shot in the head
immediately. Thats why we should
make him the star of our new family
sitcom Full House.
INT. HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
CARLA
Well. Good for Bob Sutherfucker and
his agent. But let me ask you this.
How are you gonna find clients?
TRUMAN
Ill post an ad on Craigslist.
CARLA
Truman. No one looks for agents on
Craigslist.
INT. ROOM - DAY
MEL GIBSON is sitting in an office, and talking on the
phone.
MEL GIBSON
(on phone)
What do you mean?! ... Well you
know what? Youre fired! Thats
right. Ill find a new agent.
Mel hangs up the phone and gets on his computer.

11.

MEL GIBSON
Lets see. Craigslist. Agent. Here
we go. "Truman Waco, superagent.
Unlike most people in Hollywood.
Im not an idiot. And Im not in
Hollywood." Interesting.
INT. CHANGS CHEESE SANDWICH SHOP - DAY
Truman is sitting at a table with Mel Gibson.
TRUMAN
So what can I do for you?
MEL GIBSON
Um. Why are we having this meeting
in a cheese sandwich shop?
TRUMAN
Its, uh--this is actually my
office. But I like cheese
sandwiches so much, that I had a
cheese sandwich shop built in my
office.
MEL GIBSON
Wow. Thats pretty impressive. Most
other superagencies have a fountain
in their office. You have a entire
cheese sandwich shop--with some
Chinaman running the place, and a
sign outside your office that says
"Changs Cheese Sandwich Shop."
TRUMAN
So what can I do for you?
MEL GIBSON
Well. Im an actor.
TRUMAN
I think I recognize you. Youre
that guy in Lethal Weapon. The
black guy with the mustache.
MEL GIBSON
No. Im someone else. My name is
Mel Gibson. I havent been getting
many roles lately, because of
a little misunderstanding between
me and the public. People heard me
say that Jews are the cause of
(MORE)

12.

MEL GIBSON (contd)

every war in human history, and
African American men travel in
packs and rape provocatively
dressed women--and now, for some
reason, everyones spreading rumors
that Im some sort of racist. So,
do you think you can get me work?
TRUMAN
Absolutely.
Levi is sitting at the table next to theirs.
TRUMAN
(to Levi)
Lloyd. Im gonna need a video
camera, and five gallons of Praline
ice cream.
(to Mel Gibson)
Mel--Im gonna need you to take off
your shirt.
(Later)
TRUMAN
Alright. I put the ice cream video
on the internet. And the Barney
the Dinosaur show just offered you
the role of Mel, the racist
velociraptor.
MEL GIBSON
Well. I mean, Im a very versatile
actor--so thats not outside of my
range. Ive played plenty of
carnivores before--plus, I really
identify with labels like "Mel" and
"racist." But Im looking for roles
that are a little more
Shakespearean. Like maybe Aquaman,
or Abraham Lincoln, or, like, if
they do a movie remake of Threes
Company, I can play Chrissy. Shes
a whore. Most women are whores. Im
good at playing whores.
TRUMAN
Mel--youre my number one client.
Ill get working on all that
immediately.

13.

MEL GIBSON
Great. By the way--I just moved to
your city. Are there any mansions
here that I can live in? Preferable
one in the non-African-American,
non-Jewish part of town.
TRUMAN
Mansion? Nonsense. You can live at
my house.
INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT
Carla and Truman are in bed.
CARLA
Truman. Why is Mel Gibson sleeping
on the floor next to our bed?
Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.
TRUMAN
Oh. Hes my new client.
CARLA
Youre representing Mel Gibson?
TRUMAN
Yeah.
CARLA
Um, but--you know.
MEL GIBSON
What? What does he know?
CARLA
Well. The thing.
MEL GIBSON
What thing? Are you referring to
the Jewish war thing, or the pack
of African-Americans thing?
CARLA
Um. What?
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.

14.
CARLA
I dont think I do.
TRUMAN
Now, Mel. Weve had this discussion
before. You cant go around calling
women whores.
MEL GIBSON
You would say something like that,
you Jew son of a bitch.
TRUMAN
Im not Jewish.
MEL GIBSON
Then why are you my agent? My agent
has to be a Jew. Jews are great
agents.
TRUMAN
Oh. Well then Im Jewish.
MEL GIBSON
You would say something like that,
you Jew son of a bitch.
TRUMAN
I cant argue with that.
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Carla is alone in the living room. Mel Gibson walks in.
MEL GIBSON
Wheres your Jew husband?
CARLA
Um. I guess he went to work.
MEL GIBSON
Right. Yeah. Well, maybe Ill go
down to his office and get a cheese
sandwich or something.
Truman walks in with CASSANDRA (25).
TRUMAN
(to Carla and Mel)
Honey. Mel. Say hello to my new
client, Cassandra Kardashian. Shes
the other Kardashian sister.

15.

CARLA
Shes sisters with Kim Kardashian?
TRUMAN
Well. Im not legally allowed to
say that she is, since shes not.
But I am legally allowed to imply
that she is. Since her last name is
really, Kardashian, and she has
sisters. Shes a Kardashian sister.
MEL GIBSON
She sounds like a whore.
TRUMAN
She hasnt said anything yet.
CARLA
How did you find her?
TRUMAN
Well, I went to a crackhouse, and I
said, "Are there any Kardashian
sisters here?" And Kim Kardashian
said yes, Khloe Kardashian said
yes, Cassandra Kardashian said yes,
and Gary Busey said yes. And
Cassandra signed with me. As for
Gary Busey, he didnt sign with
me--but I did convince him to
change his name to Gary Socksucker.
Where the hell is Lloyd?
(calls out)
Lloyd!
CARLA
I though I was Lloyd.
Levi walks out of the kitchen.
LEVI
What is it?
TRUMAN
Lloyd. This is our new client,
Cassandra Kardashian.
LEVI
Hello. Miss Kardashian. Were
thrilled to have you here at the
Truman Gold agency. Can I get you a
drink?

16.

CASSANDRA
(Russian accent)
Vodka. One bottle. And one ice
cube.
CARLA
Truman. Shes Russian.
TRUMAN
Its OK, honey. Shes not a
communist. I checked.
CARLA
But people arent gonna believe
shes a Kardashian sister if she
has a Russian accent.
TRUMAN
Thats true.
(to Levi)
Lloyd. Were gonna have to train
her to drop the Russian accent, and
develop a Kardashian accent.
LEVI
No problem. Repeat after me, Miss
Kardashian.
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I love to eat Kit Kats.
Cassandras "Kardashian accent" gets better and better as
the episode progresses.
CASSANDRA
I love to eat Kitty Kats.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
Kit Kats.
CASSANDRA
Kit Kats.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I get letters from little girls,
begging me to adopt them.
CASSANDRA
I get letters from little girls,
begging me to adopt them.

17.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
Khloe--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.
CASSANDRA
Khloe--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.
LEVI
Very good. Now we need you to start
dating a black man.
A BLACK MAN walks in.
BLACK MAN
Im a black man.
MEL GIBSON
Let me ask you this, black man. How
come people think Im racist, just
because I want to kick your
African-American ass?
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Later)
Carla is seated at a sofa with five WOMEN, and everyones
holding a copy of the same book.
CARLA
I thought Megans quest for the hot
dog bun was a metaphor for the way
people crave glory and seek it.
WOMAN
You know, this is a really good
book club. I feel so intellectual
when Im here.
Cassandra walks downstairs and into the living room. Shes
smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but a bra and
panties. She walks through the living room and into the
kitchen.
WOMAN
Who was that?
CARLA
Uh. I hired an actress to portray
Megan.

18.

WOMAN
Why was she half naked?
CARLA
Her bra and panties are a metaphor
for the hot dog bun.
Mel Gibson is standing near them.
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.
WOMAN
(to Carla)
Why is Mel Gibson telling you that
you sound like a whore? Is that a
metaphor, too?
MEL GIBSON
Metaphors are for whores. What are
you reading?
(looks at their books cover)
The Quest? Sounds like a book
written by a Jew. And written for
whores.
INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT
Carla and Truman are in bed.
CARLA
Truman. We need to talk about you
know who.
TRUMAN
Who?
CARLA
You know. those, uh, two people.
The two you know whos.
Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.
MEL GIBSON
Wait a second. Am I one of the you
know whos?
CARLA
No.

19.

MEL GIBSON
Is the whore sleeping across from
me one of the you know whos?
Cassandra is also sleeping on the floor next to the bed.
CASSANDRA
Im not a whore.
MEL GIBSON
If youre not a whore, then how
come I offered you $200 for sex?
CASSANDRA
How come I said no?
MEL GIBSON
Because youre a whore whos trying
to negotiate for more money.
CARLA
Will both of you please be quiet?
Im trying to talk to Truman. About
the two you know whos. Who are
sleeping in our bedroom.
TRUMAN
Me and you?
CARLA
No. The other you know whos.
MEL GIBSON
Wait. Are you sure youre mean two
you know whos? Because Im pretty
sure youre talking about a very
large pack of African-Americans.
CARLA
Im not talking about a pack of
African-Americans.
MEL GIBSON
You dont have to say
"African-Americans." You can say
"n---ers." Im the only one who has
to say "African-Americans." You
know. Because the Jews are
censoring me.

20.

INT. ABC OFFICE - DAY

ABC PRESIDENT 2 is rearranging time slots on a board.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
OK. Im thinking of moving Joe Joe
the Janitor over to Wednesday, and
then well show Black Man, Red
Mustache on Fridays, and we can
have Plumbers in Outer Space on
Mondays, and we can show Fallopian
Tubular Surfer Dudettes on
Tuesdays.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
Um. None of those things you just
named are actual TV shows.
ABC PRESIDENT
Oh. Well in that case, lets just
show Wheel of Fortune 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week.
ABC EXECUTIVE 4
Thats a genius idea.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
You know, NBC just finished filming
a new sitcom starring you know
who and you know who.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Who?
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
You know.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Right.
They all snort a line of cocaine.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Now its time for us to do our 8
hours a day of research, a.k.a. TV
watching.

21.

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Carla is playing Monopoly with Mel Gibson and Cassandra. Mel
Gibson rolls the dice and moves his piece onto a property.
CARLA
You owe me $8.
MEL GIBSON
Thats just like you. Just like a
Jew. Trying to collect your $8.
Truman walks in with MONTAVIUS (25, black).
TRUMAN
OK, everyone. This is my new
client, Montavius Baldwin. Hes a
Baldwin brother.
MONTAVIUS
Im an only child.
TRUMAN
But youre black--so that means
youre a brother. You know what Im
saying, brother?
MONTAVIUS
Youre fired.
He walks out.
CARLA
Truman--can you please just go back
to work at the factory?
TRUMAN
Honey. I dont have time for that.
I have research to do.
He sits down in front of the TV and turns it on.
CARLA
Um. Youre watching TV.
TRUMAN
Im in showbusiness. That means
watching TV counts as research, and
snorting cocaine counts as taking a
multivitamin supplement.

22.

(ON TV) INT. ROOM - DAY

(Commercial / Sitcom Promo)
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Coming soon on NBC. Bob Saget. Mel
Gibson. And introducing, Cassandra
Kardashian. In Not Wheel of
Fortune.
BOB SAGET
I wonder if John Stamos still waxes
his chest.
CASSANDRA
Me, too.
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.
CASSANDRA
You sound like a drunk, sexist,
racist asshole.
BOB SAGET
Man. This really isnt Wheel of
Fortune.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Not Wheel of Fortune. Premiering
this Thursday, on NBC.
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
CARLA
(to Truman)
Wow. Uh--how did you get them a
network sitcom?
TRUMAN
Well. I dont know. I just stuck
with the ice cream strategy. And
now theyre on TV.
CARLA
Well. Youre gonna make a lot of
money. I mean, you have two clients
whove hit the big time.
TRUMAN
Yeah. I should tell them to give my
my 10%.

23.
(to Mel Gibson)
Hey. Great job on that sitcom.
Youre gonna be a big star. Give my
my 10%.
MEL GIBSON
Oh. Well, Youll have to talk to my
agent.
TRUMAN
Im your agent.
ARI GOLD walks in with his assistant LLOYD.
ARI GOLD
I dont think so, motherfucker!
CARLA
Who the hell are you?
ARI GOLD
Lloyd. Tell her who I am.
LLOYD
(to Carla)
Hes Ari Gold
ARI GOLD
Im Ari Gold. Agent to the stars.
Stars like Mel Gibson, and
Cassandra Kardashian. Thats how we
do things in show-business, baby.
TRUMAN
You steal clients?
ARI GOLD
Yes.
TRUMAN
Oh yeah?!
ARI GOLD
Yeah.
Truman punches Ari Gold, Lloyd, Mel Gibson, and Cassandra
Kardashian in the face, one after another. He then walks up
to Carla.
TRUMAN
(to Carla)
Well. You heard him. He said
"yeah." I guess thats that.

24.

CARLA
Um. Judging by the way you said,
"Oh yeah?"!" and you punched
everyone in the face, I didnt
think youd say "thats that."
TRUMAN
Well. You know. The thing is, I
guess Im not into all this showbiz
stuff. I mean, it seems all
glamorous when youre binge
watching Entourage for two days
straight. But when it comes down to
it, Bob Saget is a real
motherfucker.
Bob Saget is standing next to them.
BOB SAGET
Thats true.