Celebrity Apprentice Mixed-media recap - Finale - Season 12

I didn't forget about episode 13 - And Then There were Two last week—I just couldn't get to it. And since it was continued into this week's LIVE FINAL SHOW, I'm going to combine the two shows into one post here. Celebrity Apprentice season 12 is finally FINALLY over! Eighteen celebrities, Trump's grumpy orange mug, tons of abundant celebrity hair as seen on this blog for I don't even know how long now. How did we all keep from completely losing our minds? Perhaps we don't want to know the answer to that.

Firstly, I would like to congratulate the winner, Arsenio Hall. I like both him and Clay Aiken, so waddaya gonna do? I thought (or at least the final show was edited as such) that Clay was going to be the winner. He made twice as much in donations for his charity (over $300,000 to Arsenio's $100,000+), the majority of the fired celebrities said they wanted him to win. His variety show seemed very lively and interactive compared to Arsenio's more sophisticated affair. But in the end, Arsenio wears the crown.

I suppose Trump wanted to hitch his wagon to a former talk-show host who proved to be massively popular at one time. Star power—it definitely has gravitational pull. Once again Clay is the runner up who seemed to deserve the win just as much if not more. Hat's off to two intelligent, funny men of reality TV. I don't know how they survived this grueling competition and even became friends during the process.

Mixed-media portraits, complete with arcade fortunes from the Musee Mecanique of San Francisco. Both men are pointing at us—interesting.

Clay gets confetti of his own (from crayon wrappers—he does work with children). Dude deserves some confetti.

Thoughts on this Celebrity Apprentice roundup. All quotes are paraphrased through my brain filters for your pleasure:

Last week, the main event was Aubrey O'Day getting fired for being "young and transparent." She proclaims she is not transparent but is actually a solid. She blows a kiss out of the elevator of shame but by then everyone has moved on to the final task at hand.

That task is a fundraising event / variety show / videotaped PSA / hoopla of epic proportions. Former players are recruited to help out. For his team, Arsenio chooses Adam Corolla, Cryin' Lisa Lampanelli, Paul Teutul, Sr. and Teresa Giudice. Clay chooses Penn Jillette (to prove he can get along with people he doesn't get along with), Debbie Gibson, Dee Snyder and Aubrey, who's the last to be picked for a team. Which immediately brings this to mind:

Arsenio is working for the Magic Johnson Foundation, which has been doing community service for 20 years now. Arsenio can't discuss his charity without tearing up. Clay's raising money for his own charity, National Inclusion Project, integrating kids with disabilities into camps, playgrounds and classrooms. They both end up raising bucket-loads of money, so good deal.

Adam Carolla's wisecracks are priceless. He thinks Magic Johnson should send Arsenio a fruit basket in a suitcase full of weed. He has dealings with a costumer who has a giant penis in his caged office. Thereafter it becomes known as the Penis Cage. He thinks Teresa Giudice (he announces her as "Joo-dice") is so naïve she thinks the word naïve is a brand of douche. Why was Adam fired so early on? Because of his sense of humor, which he says is as helpful in the boardroom as it is in golf or porn.

Clay has a moment with a baseball coach, who in the process of asking Clay to leave the field,  shouts, "Oh my God! I voted for you!" When Clay tries to angle his way onto the outfield for his video shoot, the coach shoots him down, explaining his kid is in the middle of pitching. The power of fame pales in the face of Little League.

The big cliffhangers of last week were: would Arsenio get a shot of Magic Johnson that would properly cut into his existing PSA footage of funny 80s spokespeople? And would Clay get to see a sketch of Debbie's cousin's mural design for his 70-foot party-space wall before she starts painting? The answers were yes and yes.

And we're LIVE! Trump is on the phone with Mayor Bloomberg (riiiiight) and then he's zipping through the streets of Manhattan in Mario Andretti's race car. My goodness, this show does deliver the surreal.

George Takei thanks Trump for having him on the show because even though he was fired, people still sent $10,000 to his charity, the Japanese American National Museum.

Victoria Gotti is like someone out of a fairytale who lives in a cottage in the woods and tends to a very strange garden. She, Tia Carrere and Dayana Mendoza all take turns saying how awful it was to work with Lisa and Aubrey, calling them cartoonish backstabbing liars. The audience is all like, "Yay!"

Lisa gets the "bitch from hell" montage and she explains herself by telling Trump never to have a 50-year-old menopausal woman with hormonal issues on the show again. Across America, 50-year-old menopausal women are grumbling at their televisions.

Trump forces Dayana to stand up for the crowd like a show pony, in a very Charles Foster Kane attempt to make us see how wonderfully talented she is.

Aubrey offers a blanket apology for being so in the moment and competitive. Tepid applause follows.

Back to the task: the unsung hero of the show may be Teller, who upon arrival to help Penn with a magic show, is immediately put to work painting that damn mural with everyone else on Clay's team. Clay paints while wearing a garbage bag so he won't soil his suit.

Apparently the Claymates have the big bucks. They bring in an impressive amount of money. Kelly Clarkson donates $10,000 to Clay's charity. Orel Hershiser shows up with $20,000. Baseball comes through for Clay after all. Lisa hires a drag queen to play herself and donates $10,000 to Clay because he was nice to work with. OK, that was nice. And self-promoting. But very nice because I think she donates to Arsenio as well.

Arsenio gets two donations from Jay Leno, donations from Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, George Lopez and the Andretti family, and gets to show up with Whoopi Goldberg on his arm, thrilling Trump no end. It is a star-studded night of donation checks!

Clay's Carnival of Fun actually looks very fun. But I'm a sucker for stilt walkers. And Debbie Gibson is spinning plates on sticks while twirling a hula hoop. You don't see that every day.

If you want to win Celebrity Apprentice, get all your comedian teammates to make fun of Trump's hair.

That Aubrey O'Day drag queen singing "I Will Survive" looked great. Oh...wait...

Dee Snyder actually performs "Baby Love" with Debbie Gibson *snert!* Then they segue into a rousing refrain of "We're Not Gonna Take It," which means that anthem will now be stuck in my head for the next seven to twelve days. Joke's on me. Later Arsenio and Clay perform "Lean on Me" with an enthusiastic choir. Why must their friendship be set to song for a live audience? I was hoping Jo Anne Worley would jump in from stage left, yelling, "You bet your sweet bippy!"

We'll never know why Trump chose Arsenio over Clay (was it the mural?) but that sure was a lot of confetti. Trumps don't skimp on the confetti.

Who I'd like to see on the next Celebrity Apprentice:

• Fred Schneider from the B-52s, so I can hear him shout, "Shake your money maker!" at fundraising events.
• Kathy Griffin—for God's sake, please.
  
• Jo Anne Worley—why not? Get Ruth Buzzi on the phone while you're at it.
  
• The cast from Boy Meets World.
• Cherie Currie
  
• Adam Corolla—just keep putting him on there.
• Ru Paul
• Anyone from Barney Miller or failing that, WKRP in Cincinnati
• Someone from the graduating class of Glee
• Wayne Gretzky (aim high)
• Micky Dolenz
• Tim Meadows
• Robin Leach so he can narrate every plush location on the show.

Celebrity Apprentice Hair Makeover Recap - Episode 12 - Blown Away

Celebrity Apprentice headquarters has officially acknowledged the fantastic array of hair in this season's cast and therefore commands the remaining celebrities to produce an "Elle" magazine print ad for the Chi Touch hairdryer. The surreal aspects of this show are pretty evident in my opening sentence here, I think you'll agree. The first touchscreen hairdryer (does it have GPS capabilities?) is sure to inspire the shrinking but well-coiffed teams, With only five celebrities left—it's like a late chapter in an Agatha Christie mystery—there is nowhere to run to; nowhere to hide. Arsenio Hall, Teresa Giudice and Aubrey O'Day round out team Forte, and Crying Lisa Lampanelli and Clay Aiken are what's left of team Unanimous.

The diminutive Farouk Shami, president of Farouk Systems (somehow connected to Chi Hair), is introduced wearing brilliantly red Chi cowboy boots. His toothy smile does not necessarily convey happiness but does signal that he is very taken with Aubrey. And who wouldn't be? In her tight leopard-print dress, she is channeling Cruella De Ville on safari. Their giggling and brazen flirtation is a scene from a David Lynch film and one of the reasons I keep watching this show.

The hairdryer is from Chi, so Aubrey immediately thinks of blissful chi yoga and wants to do a yoga-inspired photo layout. The industrial red, bold-fonted Chi products are anything but blissful looking but project manager Teresa nods her head several times and it's on. Model negotiation time: this consists of Teresa gaping as Lisa refuses to let her have the red-haired model she wants for no apparent reason other than to fuck with her head (with Clay laughing behind a door).

Lisa is Clay's project manager, but it's like they're both project managers and they get along well. Her concept is to focus on what's on the inside a girl, or a dryer, or something like that. Lisa refers to models in general as "whoh-ars," meaning whore, which is what she screamed at Arsenio never to call a woman when he was railing at Aubrey a few weeks back. Lisa is complex. Lisa says her models will be types (thankfully not whores), like a librarian or a tomboy or (pointing to the only black model in the room)...Lisa Bonet. This perplexes me, but I think she means a bohemian type. Lisa and substitute Lisa Bonet go shopping for clothes because neither Clay or Lisa know anything about fashion and they're hoping their model does. The resulting ad will prove otherwise but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Aubrey finagles her way into Teresa's shoot by offering to take over as the red-haired model that Teresa fought for so inefficiently. Teresa's fine with that. She's not so fine with Audrey's boobs hanging out during dress-up time. "Don't you have morals?" she asks the camera. Nope. Teresa likes photography and likes telling the models they look good. Arsenio is a photographer so he takes on the task of shooting the hairdryer hero shots. That's right—I know some terminology—I have mad skills.

Two of the models hold yoga poses while blowdrying their hair. Aubrey and the male model simply hold the dryers to their abundant hair. I don't get it, but it is a for a women's fashion magazine, so logic is not on the table. There's no ad copy other than the name of the company and the dryer. During the live presentation in front of a whispery, wisp of an Elle editor, smiling Farouk, and a Chi CEO, Teresa is nervous and can barely read her speech but Aubrey and Arsenio do a good job acting thrilled about a hairdryer. After Arsenio's imitation of a loud hairdrying session and conversation where no words can be heard, the Elle editor softly intones to the clients, "He's funny," Plus he has no hair. I would buy a hairdryer from Arsenio.

Clay and Lisa have a brochure-like ad with lots of copy. Their models are dressed in weird-colored, blocky, dated clothing. The librarian model is wearing glasses because what-the-hey, she's a librarian. The tomboy in her slouchy jeans and plaid shirt should have been called "the slob" or "the stay-at-home blogger." Lisa and Clay do a good job talking up their model-types idea. The clients like that the models are kind of like real people and that the ad actually describes what the product is and does. Although they find the ad dated looking, they give Lisa the win. Her charity, Gay Men's Health Crisis will get tens of thousands of dollars. Good deal.

Boardroom of predictability: everyone knows it's Teresa's turn to get the ax. She's a sweet lady, according to Arsenio, but she's worn out her welcome and with no special skills other than "being the opposite of slow," and "liking photography," she must go in a manner that Trump predicts will be "rather brutal." He is a man of few words but they tend to be well chosen. Teresa makes a show of trying to get Arsenio fired for not doing anything during the model shoot, but Arsenio gets her with the ol' "What is an F-stop, Teresa?" question. It's not too tough to stump Teresa. Her arguments consist of "I know you are but what am I?" thinking. Arsenio has charm on his side. Besides I like watching his friendship with Clay blossom. It's nice to see two people become good friends.

Since this episode is endless, let's pause for some celebrity hair...makeovers! Whee!

I'm sorry for yet another demented Aubrey O'Day portrait. I work from screen shots and she has a really mobile face. She looks all stretched out here—I have to draw what I see. I think Aubrey has the cojones to chop all her hair off and look as badass on the outside as she feels on the inside. 

I like Clay's permanent blow-dryer hair. It adds an air of whimsy and refers back to the 80s penchant for defying gravity without being too referential. Still, it would be fun to see him emulate a pomaded silent-screen idol, complete with pencil 'stache. 

Teresa's got soap-opera diva hair as befitting a Real Housewife, I suppose. There's so much of it, I had to use a really thick pen, or I would be drawing her hair all night. She needs a sense of lightness and fun, a la Pebbles. Cartoon glamor is always a treat.
 

Arsenio has no hair and doesn't really need any to look good. His jaunty hats are appreciated in a world of baseball caps and *shudder* indoor cowboy hat-wearing Celebrity Apprentice dudes.

Back to the boardroom: Teresa's fired and the final four whoop it up briefly until a call comes from Trump. Back to the boardroom they go, to be interviewed by last year's winner, country musician John Rich, and runner-up, actress Marlee Matlin. Trump will then fire two of the four and I can stop drawing all these people really soon.

I'm glad Marlee will be around—she's always good in everything she does. John Rich conducts his interviews while wearing a large black cowboy hat. That's really not necessary. I think he should be more secure in his country standing and take off the hat during business interviews. Plus it looks stupid. There's no sun in this meeting room that requires a large-brimmed shading device. Only the blinding glare of celebrity charisma.

Marlee and John have been closely watching the show because the celebrities get grilled. Marlee immediately wants to know if Aubrey is in it for the attention, rather than the charity. Ha ha! Good one, Marlee. She finds Clay very sweet. Arsenio is charming but the flip side is his temper and name-calling. Lisa talks a lot but has the tendency to let her emotions take over (well, she is Crying Lisa). John finds Aubrey bright but "green" (poison in reality-show talk). He can't tell if Clay is a leader or a follower since he only managed two challenges (I think the other celebrities could only manage three at most on this season—oh well). Arsenio doesn't look tired enough for this show, like he needs to work harder. Lisa looks plenty tired and is rambling. Trump frowns and thanks Marlee, her interpreter, and John who's still wearing that stupid hat.

Lisa is fired for being a crying pain in the ass, although she notes in the elevator of shame that she wasn't really called out for anything bad, just let go. And that's that. Because she tends to tell people they're stupid over and over again, in various insulting ways, none of which are ever funny—no makeover for her. I'm not even going to fix her f'd up hands here. Hands take time to draw and I'm not spending my precious valuable time resources on this self-promoter's waving appendages. I don't remember why she was waving her hands about this time around. Perhaps to tell us "Buh-bye."

Tune in next week to find out who else was fired. I honestly have no idea who it will be. Good work, sadistic editors.

Celebrity Apprentice Commercial Jingle Recap - Ep 11 - Jingle All The Way Home

This week on "Celebrity Apprentice," the narrator announced ONLY THREE MORE EPISODES LEFT, causing me to smack my forehead and exclaim, "THREE!?" How could this be when it's obvious this show is endless. ENDLESS! Especially in the boardroom sequences. I noticed a lot of new readers showed up in the last couple weeks: Hello! And welcome to my weird little world.

Speaking of endless, the remaining six celebrities are tasked with writing and performing a 90-second jingle for Good Sam's roadside assistance service. What's the most difficult artform to succeed at on every level, including technically and emotively? That's right—ballet. What's the second most difficult? Music. Watching these mini-teams try to come up with a catchy jingle for a second-run brand is going to be a painful slog. Let's get to it.

First off you should know, Project Manager Arsenio Hall will not be tap dancing for Aubrey O'Day anytime soon, whether she understands why or not. This is a woman who claims to have photos of recent teenage suicides hanging in her bedroom to give her extra inspiration. She says this while smiling. I can't look at photos of these poor young kids without bursting into tears, but that's just me. There could be many studies made of Aubrey O'Day's psychological make-up, but that's not our purpose here. Arsenio's tactics include letting Aubrey have her way as much as possible, to avoid violence and bloodshed, most likely.

Over on Team Forte, Dayana wants to be project manager even though Lisa Lampanelli hates her guts and even reasonable Clay Aiken is losing his patience with her. Dayana knows seemingly nothing about music, and her language barrier makes her confuse "jingle" with "Christmas Carol." Clay and Lisa take a look at the Good Sam mascot, who resembles Mr. Rogers' second cousin from the town of Squaresville, and decide to go with an early 60s theme that Dayana wants to then "take to the 80s" straight on to Duran Duran. She also wants to insert a hippie into the performance. And she tells the musicians to make their first run-through sound more pink. And yellow. And on second thought, perhaps more red, rather than yellow. Lots of Dayana-based music confusion!

Aubrey wants cheerleading. Arsenio does not. So she mentions cheerleading to the Good Sam CEO and he agrees that Good Sam is a mascot, and yes, cheerleaders have mascots. So now there will be cheerleading. She asks Arsenio to rap and he somewhat reluctantly agrees. Since she can write songs with "literally no effort," she does that. Then she choreographs the entire routine while claiming that Arsenio didn't give her any direction. Donald Trump Jr. is her sounding board this time around for how incompetent and useless her team members are. I can imagine the Trump spawn off camera having a conference about Aubrey as potential winner and how they can't wait to work with a backstabbing, trash-talking, megalomaniac. Just like Dad!

Once Trump Jr. visits Forte creative central, all TV-reality hell breaks loose. Dayana claims Clay is doing great but Lisa's being loud as usual. Lisa FREAKS OUT. Again. "I have been very quiet," she screams. There's accusations of passive-aggression and finger pointing and crying while Dayana sits prettily and impassively. I must say, Dayana is a cool cookie, even if she's young and inexperienced. I can imagine the Trump conference regarding potential histrionic winner Lisa. It would go something like this: No. Just—no.

Show time! Where did they find the live audience for this, I wonder, and what a baffling outing for them all. Confession: I have always loved Clay's voice. I just think he sounds wonderful. He does a very good job as a slicked-back retro guy (somebody cast him in "How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying"), but the Good Sam CEO finds the old-timey radio-show performance safe and unsurprising. Dayana stage-manages and wears a nice white sweater while thanking the audience. Lisa should have written her a part in the show, either as stranded damsel in distress, or hostess. That would have kept her busy and less apt to micro-manage.

Aubrey also does a good job as a pig-tailed R&B-style singer in a way-too-small cheerleading outfit. Arsenio and Teresa play stranded motorists and Teresa hand-claps cutely. Aubrey finds it difficult to work with people who "aren't as good at things like this" as she is—at a Good Sam jingle contest. Stand tall, Aubrey. The CEO likes their energetic, catchy song (always trusted and a-for-duh-bull!) but finds Aubrey's outfit too revealing for the Good Sam Milquetoast brand. The whole thing looks like a cheerleading cluster-fuck to me but Arsenio is declared the winner, even though it's mostly a win for Aubrey. Arsenio's charity, The Magic Johnson Foundation, will get $20,000 plus an undisclosed amount of donation money from the Good Sam Club. Good deal.

After much boardroom banter from professional shit-stirrer, Donald Trump, and Crying Lisa (I made up that name for her—clever), Dayana is fired. Way over-due, but to be fair, English is her second language and she appears to be in her 20s (I'm guessing). When I was in my 20s, I would have been pretty useless on this show as well. I could draw rough comics (some things never change) and write some satire perhaps. My sole song-writing credit at that time would have been for a tune entitled Everything Smells Like Russell, based on a series of true-life events. None of these dubious talents are very useful business skills. So let's give a hand to Dayana, who survived six potential boardroom firings before this one. In the town car of purgatory, she reminds us in so many words that the celebrities are here for charity and shouldn't be such assholes about it. It's hard to argue with that.

I want to draw some Celebrity Apprentice muses as per usual, but last week's Celebrity Apprentice on LSD recap gave me neck and hand cramps, so I'm taking the easy way out this week and providing you with some commercial jingles that have been stuck in my head for the past few decades. I'm sorry if they will now be stuck in YOUR head, but that's the purpose of a good jingle, isn't it? Play at your own risk. 

The Gensler Lee Diamonds radio spot. I grew up with this on radio station KFRC in the Bay Area and it's never left my consciousness ever since. That's a successful jingle.




If you don't look good, we don't look good—Vidal Sassoon! R.I.P., Vidal Sassoon, hair innovator.




The Mattress Discounters jingle is still in use, but just the chorus as far as I can tell. Still, even that is extremely catchy and annoying. I find myself bursting into this song every time I pass a Mattress Discounter store. That's the power of music.




Good God. Does anyone remember this Joey Heatherton Serta Mattress commercial? The 70s were cracked and that's a fact.




And now let us celebrate the great jingle maestro, Barry Manilow. The man is a master of the branding ear worm.

Celebrity Apprentice LSD Recap - Ep 10 - Winning by a Nose

I couldn't help thinking last Sunday as I flipped channels between Celebrity Apprentice and Mad Men (after watching Amazing Race and two minutes of Once Upon A Time at my mom's insistence that the boy in it looks like my boy—he does), that Sunday night TV is trippin,' man. As if in response, Roger Stirling in Mad Men took therapeutically prescribed LSD this week and experienced the clarity that led to the end of his crappy May-December marriage. So, in the spirit of inner journeys, let us review this episode as if in the throes of an LSD experience. It practically is psychedelic that Teresa Giudice is still in the running over Penn Jillette. But I get ahead of myself. Let us review:

With Paul Teutul, Sr. out of the game, that leaves poor Arsenio with Aubrey and Teresa on Team Unanimous. Clay, Lisa, Dayana and Penn are what's left of Team Forte. Trump begins proceedings by meeting everyone in his lavish suite at Trump Towers. WHOA, HANG ON! THIS IS GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE.

Swell place, Mr. Trump but where's the slot machines?

Reps from Macy's are on hand to judge a store display for Trump's new fragrance: Success. Teams must come up with a slogan, a display, some take-away device and the satisfaction that comes from promoting a Trump product on a Trump show while he dangles a potential $100,000 for the winning project manager's charity. Capitalism is far out.

Aubrey is project manager and wants to define success as helping people. Wait. Whut? Arsenio focuses on money but because Aubrey doesn't want to share the creative wealth, he backs off and lets her run the show. Teresa continues to stare into the middle distance, like a lizard on a rock. Aubrey goes with the slogan "Trust Your Instincts" along with a of kind of diorama of New York City. Then she adds the mind-blowing element of a silhouette of Eric Trump, made up to look like his father, staring up at the skyline, like a shadow figure, haunting our very consumer consciousness.

Although Clay is the other project manager, he lets Penn come up with most of their plan even though Penn didn't want to be project manager on this one. Penn's slogan "You've Earned It" will be illustrated by a big photo of Dayana hugging a torso of business-suited man while holding cologne aloft. Dayana wants to get naked for her photo but Clay tells her she can get naked on a challenge—just not this one. Clay is a diplomat.

Highlights of the creative process include Aubrey sitting on Arsenio's shoulders, taking photos of the city skyline. "Aubrey had a great idea!" enthuses Arsenio. "She said, let me put my vagina on the back of your neck!" Then he fantasizes about throwing her off backwards to the ground below. In his newsboy cap, Arsenio is a scamp and a trickster, throwing our perception into a clearer view. Aubrey flirts shamelessly with Eric during his brief photo shoot, causing him to wonder if she's looking for "brownie points." Every time he enunciates "brownie points," he sounds like a substitute fourth-grade teacher, causing my concept of reality to shatter. Aubrey then trash-talks her team to Eric while Arsenio and Teresa are out buying vinyl for her diorama. And reality is firmly in place again.

Presentation time: Aubrey's diorama looks like a stage set for a middle-school production of "Guys and Dolls."  A sillouette of Eric Trump as Donald gazes upward in rapt foamboard attention. There are pamphlets. There are cardboard sticks that smell of perfume. Aubrey and her team are thrilled to present this new celebrity smell on the horizon.

Clay's giant photo of Dayana is lovely and the surrounding Gotham City-like display looks like something you would see in a department store. But he hasn't worked up a sizable presentation, and realistically, what can you say about Trump perfume? (No one used my slogan: Success - You Reek Of It. Now where's my $100,000 for charity?) Clay must awkwardly stand before the Macy's reps while they await his endorsement of useless garbage. I mean, SUCCESS, by Trump. There are no cardboards to hand out.

In the boardroom, Trump gives the win to Aubrey but just barely. Both displays were hit-and-miss. The execs liked the cardboards and presentation by Aubrey's team, but didn't like the faux Trump cut-out. They liked Dayana's photo but hated the phrase "You Earned It," perhaps fearing some tie-in with prostitution. Clay should have made use of cardboard smell sticks. His presentation needed enhancement. Aubrey's team wins. Trump doles out $40,000 to Aubrey's charity, Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network—good deal! And then he gives $10,000 to everyone's charities, which probably adds up to less than he would have paid an ad agency to come up with two promotions for his perfume. But still—good deal all around!

Lisa has had an epiphany and thinks Dayana did a good job on this task. She has nothing but good things to say about her usual arch enemy. Right on, Lisa Lampanelli—you are a child of the universe. Clay excuses her from the boardroom because she is so groovy. That leaves Dayana, who did a good job, Penn who had all the ideas, and Clay who ruled by consensus. "It's fun to brainstorm when you have good ideas and I have good ideas," Penn had opined earlier. This is a man who named his children Zolten and Moxie CrimeFighter, so don't be so sure. Trump wants to fire Dayana because she's been called back to the boardroom six times now, but he can't because she excelled this time.

Trump ping-pongs between Clay and Penn in eeny-meeny-miny-moe fashion. Clay has flop sweat. Penn just keeps agreeing with Trump that he did indeed came up with the hated slogan. This is a trick from the "How to Deal with Difficult People" handbook. Finally Penn is fired and tells us in the town car of purgatory that he can tell us the rules of chess, but he can't tell us the rules of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well, Penn, when the ...white knight is talking backwards, and the red queen's off with her head; remember what the dormouse said: feed your head... And now Celebrity Apprentice on LSD.

Teresa Giudice doesn't get a portrait this time around. But know this: she is chiefly famous for flipping a table over. Are you trippin' yet? I'm trippin'...



Clay Aiken will be our guide because he seems fairly reasonable and kind-hearted. Warning: whatever you do—don't trip with Aubrey O'Day. Because she appears to be the opposite of that.

Farewell, Penn Jillette—back to Penn & Teller in Las Vegas for you, perhaps the trippiest city in America.

Lisa Lampanelli's sense of self is melting into the ether. Is she nice, is she mean, or somewhere in between?

Dayana Mendoza is like a beautiful dream vision that is best handled while clean and sober so as to not be a babbling idiot in her presence.

Arsenio Halllllllll! would be fun to trip with.

Good GOD! I WARNED YOU not to trip with Aubrey! Sorry for this demented portrait. She really is a lovely girl...

Fantasy of Trump having an earth-shattering philosophical shift in mindfulness. Instead of "You're fired!" which he actually tried to trademark once, his new catch-phrase will be, "You're hired!" The recession is officially over as soon as this monumental development takes place.

"You're hired" because you're all terrific!

Celebrity Apprentice Puppet Show Recap - Ep 9 - Puppet Up!

This week, on Celebrity Apprentice, there must have been a pre-show meeting among the Trumps to brainstorm a new challenge. I assume it went something like this:

Donald: I've made a generous donation to the Children's Television Workshop and now Henson Enterprises owes me a favor.

Ivanka: And...?

Donald: I say the teams have to put on a puppet show.

Donald, Jr.: Excuse me?

Donald: (waving his hands around to demonstrate) A puppet show. And let's make it an improv puppet show.

Donald, Jr.: You mean, like making stuff up on the fly?

Donald: In front of a live audience.

Ivanka: Ohkaaaay...

Eric: (getting excited) And they have to eat a stick of butter while they do it!

(The Trumps stare at Eric for a moment).

Eric: Never mind.

Donald: You and your butter fixation.

Eric: I just want a challenge involving butter. Is that so wrong?

Donald, Jr.: Yes. I think it is.

Donald: (making a telephone gesture with his hand toward Eric) Call your therapist directly after this meeting.

Eric: Yes sir.

And that's how this challenge (maybe) came to be. The teams are dwindling so Clay is put on Team Forte with Lisa, Penn and Dayana. This leaves his buddy Arsenio on Unanimous with Paul, Aubrey and Teresa. Teresa gives a big check to a little boy who has a terrible kidney disease for the NephCure Foundation, which will hopefully help find a cure. This basically evil show makes me cry every week during the charity segment. I wish that little boy and his family all the best. But I don't want him to watch this show, even though there's puppets this week. Because some of these celebrities are out of their minds.

Brian Henson, son of my hero, the late Jim Henson, shows up and introduces the concept of the teams putting on two improv puppet shoes for the ongoing theatrical experience, "Stuffed and Unstrung." This has nothing to do with business or marketing, but nobody brings that up. Paul volunteers to be project manager, even though he could care less about puppets. Fool! Puppets are awesome! Henson puppets are like royalty! Lisa is project manager for her team, hoping to make some money for her charity after losing a bunch of challenges.

Puppets are made. Arsenio and Teresa are puppeteers and Aubrey is their host. Paul has a hurt back and mostly sits around and texts. But he does it with quiet dignity. Lisa and Clay are their team's puppeteers. Clay's a ringer. He's performed with puppets at his church before. His team snickers about that but I've seen a priest perform with an ostrich puppet during the one mass I attended during my two-decade stint in San Francisco. The guy was damn good. And that ostrich made a lot of sense. So I know what Clay's talking about. Penn is their host and although Dayana claims she's been doing improv for more than a year, Lisa cites her 22 years of experience performing and tells Dayana she can make the puppets, but that's it, It's like the opening for Cinderella, or a puppet show about Cinderella.

Dayana is flat-out tired of dealing with Lisa's manipulative and I'm sorry, cunty, behavior toward her. She sulks beautifully while making some very nice puppets. The Henson team tells her they'd hire her in a minute. Take the job, Dayana! It would be so much better than being on this show. Meanwhile, Clay turns out to be a hilarious puppeteer. Lisa briefly makes her puppet into a stereotypical Latina, spouting gibberish like, "Ay caramba!" and "Ay, Papi!" and various exclamations that belong on the site, Yo, Is This Racist? 

When Dayana looks even more miffed, Lisa interviews that making the puppets is plenty to do and that Dayana can then be "ocupado, por favor." She says this with such bitterness. She's like every bad project manager I've ever had. Congratulations, Lisa—you're in very bad company. Also, she tends to close her puppet's mouth when it should be opening. Rookie error, despite her 22 years of experience. Meanwhile, Teresa struggles with reciting a nursery rhyme from memory and tries to figure out how many syllables are in the number seven. It's pretty obvious that Teresa's head is as empty as a...well, a puppet.

Backstage before the show, tensions run high. Clay suggests that Dayana at least be able to hand them props onstage so she's not just sitting there (like Paul), and Lisa blows up. She's not going to allow some prima donna beauty queen ruin her puppet show after 22 years of experience on stage. Clay and Penn sit there stunned, while Lisa yells and yells about what a would-be stage-hog Dayana is. Dayana leaves the room in tears.

Puppet shows! Clay makes the audience laugh and laugh. He and Lisa use props in a risque manner. Oops—it's not that kind of show, and my goodness, Clay! Arsenio and Teresa pull it together but barely since Teresa can't remember the rules of improv (always agree, don't deny, go with the suggestions). Her brassy chutzpah goes over well enough, apparently. Aubrey yelps, "Puppet Up!" every once in a while and keeps her bossiness in check this time around. Paul sits quietly. Dayana sits sulkily.

In the boardroom, Lisa cries when asked who she'd bring back for firing. She tells Trump, no one. No one leaves  her act in tears, she explains, according to her showbiz credo. Riiiiight. Her team ends up winning and Paul is fired for not being a puppet-show kind of guy. He's back to making badass motorcycles, which is how it should be. Lisa's charity, Gay Men's Health Crisis, will get the $20,000. Good deal.

I want to do a puppet show with Clay Aiken. Something like this:

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful puppet named Dayana, who was kind, hard-working and care free...

That is, until the evil Puppet Project Manager Lisa came along and ruined everything with her abusive and maniacal tirades.

Teammates, Puppet Clay and Puppet Penn, were no help against the onslaught of negative spew that came from Puppet Lisa's fabric lips. All they could do was watch, sitting very still to try and keep Puppet Lisa from noticing them too much. But it was hard. Her big, popping-out eyes were everywhere.

Puppet Dayana spoke of how it felt to be so unfairly treated. But Puppet Lisa only got more defensive and offensive.

Over on Team Unanimous, they had their own troubles. And Puppet Project Manager Paul was sent packing.

In the boardroom, Puppet Master Trump was well pleased.

Celebrity Apprentice Incredible Hulk Recap - Ep 8 - Ad Hawk

It's been a season of laughs and tears on Celebrity Apprentice and now it's...not even close to being over. Unless Lisa Lampanelli's head implodes and everyone goes on hiatus. I could see this happening. She's gonna blow! She's gonna...

Where was I? This week's episode has the teams making a commercial for coupon pushers, Entertainment.com. But first Arsenio Hall Skypes Magic Johnson to tell him about $50,000 he won for Johnson's foundation. They bump heads against their computer screens as a sign-off. Awww. This reminds me of one of my favorite bits on the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special when Magic Johnson is hanging out inside Magic Screen. Pee-Wee exclaims, "What are you doing in Magic Screen?" To which Magic Johnson replies, "Magic Screen and I are cousins!"

Magic Johnson displays more charisma in his brief talk with Arsenio than anyone on this show has to date. That reminds me, Teresa steps up as team leader of team Forte while Dayana volunteers for Unanimous. Previously Arsenio and Lisa had a tiff after he describes Aubrey (who had left due to all the negativity) as a bitch and a whore. Lisa blew her top, telling Arsenio YOU DON'T F*beep!* CALL A WOMAN F*beep!* BITCH AND WHORE! Or words to that effect. DON'T TELL ME WHAT WORDS TO USE WHEN I'VE BEEN DISSED said Arsenio. WELL YOU'RE GOING TO ALIENATE WOMEN AND YOU ARE REPRESENTING YOUR CHARITY AND SO DON'T F*beep!* DO IT! said Lisa. And so on and so forth.

Let me say this about the usage of the words bitch and whore. I've heard women call each other bitch and whore. I've heard men call each other bitch and yes, whore. There's a long history of people calling each other bitch and whore. In the heat of the moment, someone might be inclined to call Aubrey a bitch and maybe a whore. Mostly she's really negative and catty, so whatever words work to that effect.

Anyway, she doesn't want to be bullied since she's representing an anti-bullying organization (poor them), so she confronts Arsenio and they work it out. Arsenio tells her she doesn't know what he was going through but it was bad (his cousin had recently died of AIDS) and she should understand that he was in a terrible place at the time. Basically he doesn't deny that she's a bitch or a whore, but she accepts his explanation for the time being. Arsenio regrets using those words, but personally, my sense of womanly solidarity is not threatened by Arsenio Hall. Perhaps I am embracing my inner bitch and whore.

After all this hoopla, the teams get along surprisingly well. Even Lisa and Dayana work well together, despite Lisa insisting, to their faces, that Lou and Dayana are brain dead and useless. It's a testament to both of them that they hold it together throughout the gulfstream of mouth pollution that comes from Lisa Lampanelli's maw.

Teresa's team produces a risque ad featuring Aubrey and an actor as teens doing stuff in her bedroom that "father" Paul (done up in fatherly nerd drag) mistakes for sexual shenanigans. Dayana's team does a more traditional ad with a couple going through dating, marriage and settling down while using Entertainment.com coupons throughout their adult lives. The clients pick Teresa's commercial as the winner and so we get a seemingly endless segment of Lisa raking Lou Ferrigno over the boardroom coals because she's tired of Lou's lack of ideas. Dayana wisely stays quietly beautiful while Lisa and Lou have at it, thereby avoiding being fired. Dayana is smarter than Lisa thinks.

Lou does seem fairly out of his league in these business and marketing situations. He's admitted several times throughout the season that his hearing impairment tends to temporarily affect his ability to listen and understand what's going on with his team. What seals his fate is that when asked by Trump which commercial he prefers, he answers honestly that he likes Teresa's better. Oh, the disloyalty to his losing team! He's then unable to stem the tide of Lisa's raging onslaught on his abilities and is fired. At one point Lisa proclaims that Lou uses his hearing loss as an excuse when it's convenient for him and that makes him manipulative.

This is the one of the worst things I've ever heard anyone say on a reality show. Even if it's true, how is Lisa to know? She can't experience the world as a deaf person who must read lips to communicate with others. So it isn't her place to make this offensive accusation. Lisa has managed to offend me more with one sentence than all the bitches and whores that have been said in reality TV history. Go figure. Teresa's charity The NephCure Foundation will receive a large donation. Good deal.

It's the lack of loyalty to his team that got Lou fired, claims Trump. Trump spawn, Donald Jr. and Ivanka, both agree before trailing their father down the hallway in slow motion like the Borgias, to scheme and plot to the top of the heap for another day. In the town car of purgatory Lou says he's proud of himself for playing the game and doesn't regret his honesty regarding the quality of the two commercials. "And my team lost, so I was right!" he exclaims, smiling big. Don't ever change, Lou!

I'm going to honor Lou's 1977 to 1982 run on the TV extravaganza, The Incredible Hulk, because it's 110% better than anything Donald Trump has starred in. My brother watched this show every week and so I did too. Bill Bixby's sympathetic and physically unimposing Dr. David Banner would morph into the mentally challenged, snarling Hulk two or three times in every episode. Shirts ripped, pants shrunk, loafers split and there appeared Lou—a mean, green raging machine, swinging telephone poles across oncoming Mack truck grills with impunity. Yet he was sensitive and able to pantomime very effectively for such a big guy.

According to interviews, the Hulk makeup took more than three hours to apply and another hour to wash down at the end of the shoot. Then it was off to the gym to pump iron for an hour before dropping into bed in order to wake at 5 A.M. to do it all over again. He loved the character and gave it his all. So hat's off to you, Lou.

A quick sketch of The Incredible Hulk, ready for a day of rampaging crime fighting.

A one-liner of The Incredible Hulk in a pensive mood. A one-liner is just what it says it is—a drawing made with one line. 

 A scribble-sketch of The Incredible Hulk emitting his catch-phrase, "AARRRRRGH!"

Although Lou didn't "Hulk out" on Donald Trump in the boardroom, he did say, "Take it back. I don't want to be fired," before shrugging it off and entering the elevator of shame. Imagine the following scene with Trump as co-star and I think you'll agree—that's entertainment.



Towel-snapping bullies vs. Hulk's alter-ego David Banner (the late, great Bill Bixby). Stupid jocks—only brute force will work on them. Featuring tight shorts and steam-room rage.



The softer side of The Incredible Hulk as he goes shopping in what appears to be either a mall or a mad house. (HULK SMASH ANNOYING TOYS.) And falls in love with a mannequin.



The Hulk takes on a high-security mental institution. I'm sure Lou felt like this several times throughout the course of Celebrity Apprentice. Now that he's fired, he's free, truly free.

Celebrity Apprentice Etch-A-Sketch Recap - Ep 7 - Walking Papers

Etch-A-Sketch is back and requires no batteries, Wi-Fi, or downloadable apps to work properly. So welcome to the Celebrity Apprentice Etch-A-Sketch recap. This was a double episode—more than three hours of Celebrity Apprentice on a night that also featured Mad Men and for those with premium cable, Game of Thrones. That's a shitload of decent TV. Imagine if Amazing Race had been scheduled as per usual. My head would have exploded. Even so, I could barely sleep later on Sunday night with all that television dancing around in my head.

For all its bulk, this was an entertaining outing for Trump dynasty productions. The first challenge was an NYC guide book sale that was based on how much money the teams could haul in. The best guide book would win a bonus, but fundraising was the main determiner for the winner. Dee Snider and Teresa Giudice stepped up as project managers.

With self-publishing on their minds, the women head into the city to photograph themselves in various locations. The men, figuring the fundraising is the main component of the challenge, head up to the roof of Trump Tower to lordly pose over different NYC neighborhoods. Lou Ferrigno briefly fantasizes about pushing Penn Jillette to the street below. I think he was kidding because he's laughing during this segment, but creative ventures can sometimes have that element of homicidal brainstorming as part of the process.

The women split up into factions with Lisa Lampanelli and Debbie Gibson snapping photos of themselves quickly, then heading back to the workroom to put it all together. Teresa, Dayana Mendoza and Aubrey O'Day are late, getting too caught up in their photos to help out on the editing phase. "GRRRRR!" say Lisa and Debbie, who scramble to complete the task and decorate their kiosk for the sale. Lisa truly despises Dayana at this point, telling her to shut up multiple times when Dayana suggests they write out subway directions for each location. Get some talent and some brains, interviews Lisa, making "yapping" motions with her hands, and maybe you'll amount to something. What kind of put-down is that for an insult comedian? I expect better. The men are moving things along in a jokey manner, as usual. Arsenio Hall gets Jay Leno on the phone and Jay promises to send over a blank check for the next day. That was nice.

Day of sale: the teams desperately hawk guidebooks and call friends and family to obtain more money. Penn has rounded up his partner, Teller, who donates $20,000, right there on the sidewalk. Then Penn leads the Blue Man Group down the street with their puppets and drums and they explode some giant balloons full of cash, causing complete pandemonium on the streets of New York, where celebrities and public alike scramble to gather bills to either donate or stuff down their pants and run away. Clay Aiken is PISSED about this, claiming he was punched in the face a couple of times trying to wrestle cash away from people. Penn shrugs it off as a moment of art meeting commerce. WHO was right? Exploding balloons of cash are fun but they do tend to disrupt the flow of charity a bit. Anyway, Clay and Penn pretty much hate each other.

Regis Philbin shows up to judge the quality of the guidebooks. He decides the women's book is more personal and colorful and so they're rewarded with an extra $35,000 donation. Even so, they lose to the men's team by $14. Looks like Clay taking punches to the head did pay off. Arsenio breathes a sigh of relief as his Leno check was held up in traffic so he brought no in dollars whatsoever. Dee wins $325,000 for his charity, The March of Dimes. He gets to hold a baby who was born prematurely when he presents the check. It's so sweet. Dee is my favorite Republican after Abraham Lincoln. That's the extent of my "favorite Republicans" list. You're in good company, Dee.

The women are left to claw at one another once again. Teresa brings back Dayana (as usual) and Debbie into the boardroom but Dayana is safe because she brought in a large amount of donations. Debbie brought in less and so she is abruptly fired. Just like that—Debbie Gibson is gone! Trump tells Teresa she should have brought back Aubrey because she brought in the least amount of money. So we might have been spared another episode with Aubrey, but that turns out to be OK because...

We pause for some Etch-A-Sketch portraiture.

Trump on the Zooper Sounds Etch-A Sketch, which looks like an 80s toy even though it came out in 1996. I can find very little documentation of the Zooper on the Internet, so I promise to make a film eventually featuring its bizarre array of boops, bleeps, blurps and electronic song snippets. I think of Trump as an 80s phenomenon so this is the Etch-A-Sketch of choice here.

"You're [*boop! beep-blurp! bliddle-bleee!*] fired!

Dee Snider - winner on Celebrity Apprentice, for now

In lieu of a portrait, I'll feature Gibson's epic "Electric Youth." I wish she'd write a sequel called "Acoustic Middle Age." I'd download that.



Onward to part 2—I'll be brief. This was a 'Walk with Walgreens' presentation and graphic photo-cube health event. Trump splits up the teams because the women are such losers. Aubrey and Teresa are with Arsenio, Clay and Paul Teutol, Sr. I forgot about Paul! He's hanging out under the radar. Dayana and Lisa are with Lou, Penn and Dee. Arsenio and Lou are team leaders. I'm sure Lou will flex his arms and give 110% as always.

Arsenio HATES Aubrey. Well, everyone but Lisa does, but Arsenio can barely contain his ire as Aubrey shoots out her multiple plans for Walgreens domination, takes a bad photo of Arsenio and calls him a "diva" when he tries to nix it, interviews that he better learn to like his face, wrinkles and all, because that's what he looks like, and suggests that his walking quote should be about how he walked away from his career. "But I don't mean it in a negative way," she clarifies as Arsenio glares at her with dagger eyes. Fun!

The presentations commence. Penn, on one hour of sleep after flying in from a show, accidentally says "Walmart" instead of Walgreens. "Not good," says Trump later in the boardroom. No truer words have ever been spoken by Donald Trump. Dee finds Dayana helpful, pleasant and intelligent, driving Lisa to a red-faced, pop-eyed fury that has me worried for Dayana's safety. Ultimately Dee is fired for making a lame Walk with Walgreens cube, for equating walking with words like 'scratching' and 'itching,' and for not giving 120% like Lou. One day you're on top and the next...wait, that's another reality show. Anyway, Arsenio holds his team together enough to win the challenge. He will receive a large check for The Magic Johnson Foundation—made more poignant when he breaks down over the recent death of his cousin from AIDS, which is terribly sad.

But I've skipped over the most intense moment (I guess—I never watched this show before) in Apprentice history when Arsenio does a complete take-down of Aubrey in the board room in front of Trump, Trump's offspring, both teams, and whatever is left of America watching after Mad Men and Game of Thrones have started. Perhaps the cloistered existence of reality TV living creates a vacuum where narcissistic personality disorders will not be tolerated by the slightly less narcissistic. Maybe Arsenio's family situation got to him. Maybe Aubrey just had it coming, but everything she says in the boardroom is countered with Arsenio's (correct) notion that "She puts the 'I' in team." Eventually, even Trump turns on her saying he's known people like her and some of them crash and burn. Ouchie! This clip is the aftermath of Arsenio's insistence that he spent the entire challenge just massaging her ego enough to get through to the win.



And so it goes. Portrait of Aubrey, just before she's character-assassinated and stalks off in a huff, claiming she can't take all the negativity. After weeks of her catty bitchery, I must say: that is typical.

Desperately over-achieving, psychotically ambitious young lass (an apt description from Simon Doonan's book, "Gay Men Don't Get Fat" - not specifically about Aubrey, just young overly ambitious interns in general, but it works for me.

Retro Arsenio Hall from the days of his show before he "walked away." Sorry about your hands here, Arsenio. Hands are tough, even when not drawn on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Retro Arseniooooo Haaaaallllllll! - winner on Celebrity Apprentice, for now

Celebrity Apprentice Fantasy-Scenario recap - Ep 6 - Party Like a Mock-Star

This week I'm going to try something a little different with the formerly titled Celebrity Apprentice hair recap. Since I've recapped all the celebrities' hair at this point (and lack of, Arsenio Hall), I thought I'd place Trump in a few fantasy scenarios. He's bigger than life and loves to say, "You're fired!" Let's see how that plays out from the far reaches of my imagination.

First, a brief run-down of this episode. The teams were in charge of throwing a FUN mocktail party for Crystal Light's new faux alcoholic beverage flavors, Peach Bellini and Pomtini. I feel pity for these celebrities. Mocktails? Crystal Light? Fun? It is such a very tall order.

But Clay Aiken and Aubrey O'Day step up as project managers and promise to host the ultimate in Crystal Light shindigs. Apparently no one on the men's team goes to parties. Arsenio Hall claims to be a recluse who hasn't had anyone over to his house in 20 years. And now I love him more than ever.

Not to be deterred, Clay decides that Life's a Beach (Peach), so the men set up a beach party in an NYC storefront, with sand, umbrellas, girls in bikinis, matching Hawaiian shirts, and a big limbo stick. It's a lot like a dorm party being thrown by the nice, nerdy guys that live down the hall. And against all odds, it looks fun. Arsenio starts a Soul Train dance line. There's a couple of extremely limber limbo enthusiasts that Clay determines must be "genuine freaks." Clay's loyal fans, the Claymates, show up in bathing suits and everyone drinks their Peach Bellinis with gusto. I wouldn't be surprised if Clay has been a paid guest-of-honor at a few Claymate private parties. When the Crystal Light reps show up and sing along with Clay to "Under The Boardwalk," I was pretty sure the men had this wrapped up.

But don't count out Aubrey's elegant mocktini soiree, with the ladies in red cocktail dresses in the Garden of Eden, stirring their crystal desires. Or something along those marketing lines. Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, provides some beauty-queen friends in gowns, sashes and tiaras, and I must say, every party should have some of those. Dirty comedian Lisa Lampanelli keeps up a steady stage patter while Debbie Gibson performs an original Crystal Light theme song that Aubrey claims will be stuck in our ears for at least a month. Patricia Velasquez will not be micro-managed and so her graphic designs are not heavily featuring the Crystal Light logo enough. And this will haunt her forever, or at least until the next Pomtini party commences.

In the boardroom, Aubrey is absolutely 150% positive that she's won the challenge and so she cries buckets when that is not the case. Apparently the clients wanted more emphasis on Crystal Light and not on Pomtini in the signage. The men win the challenge and Clay Aiken's charity, The National Inclusion Project, will get $50,000. Good deal. Aubrey blubbers to the point that Trump offers her charity, Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network, $10,000. That's a good deal too.

Everyone got along pretty well in this episode, which made for two decent parties, but in the boardroom, Aubrey decides Dayana and Patricia are on the chopping block for not offering enough creative ideas per challenge and not allowing work to be proofread, respectively. Dayana points out that even though Aubrey and Lisa come up with most all the ideas on the women's team, they've only won two challenges. Aubrey argues that creative people are the most valuable, even if their ideas aren't marketable. Actually, I added that last caveat. There's more crying. "Don't cry," advises Dayana, "You'll look ugly." Aubrey manages to curb her bullying tactics for most of this episode, which is good, since she's representing an anti-bullying organization. Trump decides that even though Patricia is a most elegant woman, she's fired, and she is gone, leaving Dayana to fend for herself for another week. Oh dear!

And now, fantasy-scenario situations!

Donald Trump attempts to fire sleestaks who are attacking his offspring in a cave from "Land of the Lost." Good luck with that, Donald!

Ivanka and Donald, Jr. rely on their father to remove the offending creatures from the boardroom.

Trump fires both Oliver Hardy and Stan Laurel for general incompetence and mismanagement. You should see how they trashed their hotel suite during their last brainstorming session!

Trump attempts to fire a fluffernutter sandwich for being unpopular and comical in scope.

Celebrity Apprentice Hair Recap - Ep 5 - I'm Going to Mop the Floor with You

I'm a week late, but can you blame me? What were Mark Burnett Productions and Donald Trump thinking, going up against the new season of Mad Men on Sunday nights? After a 17-month hiatus for Mad Men, I guess NBC programming forgot all about Sunday-night ratings. Either that or they just don't care much about Celebrity Apprentice, its desperate host, his offspring, the cast, or their charitable causes.

None of that explains why I'm so late with this hair recap. It's just that Mad Men does a good job of "leaving them wanting more," whereas Celebrity Apprentice is like slow reality-TV torture. If I fall behind it's because those boardroom antics are painful to sit through, just like many business meetings featuring Teresa Guidice, just sitting there, staring straight ahead blankly. Plus the hair is getting thinner as one by one, C- and D-list celebrities fall to Trump's scowling demeanor and firing pointing finger.

On this episode, the teams had the unenviable task of making a viral video for O-Cedar's somewhat-disposable mop. As anyone who hangs out on the Internet or who mops a floor knows, that's a tall order. But Lou Ferrigno and Tia Carrere step up as project managers due to their being called out on their under-the-radar status each week.

Highlights include Clay Aiken successfully getting under Penn Jillette's skin by calling him "condescending." Clay is good at stepping up for a challenge when needed, as when he gives Lou speech guidance for the video, or undermining a strong teammate like Penn, in order to make himself out as a leader type. I'm putting my money on Clay. The male rep for O-Cedar pops by and tells the women's team to make the mop "sexy." The female rep tells the men's team to make the mop the hero. Penn condescendingly explains to Lou that she doesn't mean to make the mop a superhero, just ever-present in the video. Both teams are told to come up with a catch phrase for their video.

Paul Teutul, Sr. throws out, "I'm gonna mop the floor with you," and Lou decides to star as himself against type by wearing a frilly apron, dancing with mop in hand. Dee Snyder, gigantic finger cast aloft, directs and edits. Everyone else pitches in or stands around, like in a typical video shoot. Except for Penn, who sulks after shooting down all of Lou's ideas beforehand.

Meanwhile, the women's team is squabbling and clique-ridden. This time Lisa Lampanelli, Aubrey O'Day and Debbie Gibson band together against pretty much everyone else on the team, including Tia. They argue that they are the creative force for all their challenges (most of them lost) and the other ladies are pretty useless. "Huh? News to me!" says Tia in the boardroom, who was under the impression she had a true team behind her. Yeah, Tia! Sisterhood!

The women settle on the idea of how many lovers they've had, comparing the lovers to mops. It's dumb. But it means they almost all get to be on camera, spouting innuendos about sex and mopping. There is dissidence of the underhanded sort that ends up in a boardroom of fussing and fighting. Aubrey, especially complains, saying she and some others are just sitting there throughout most of the shoot. Welcome to the world of filmmaking, Aubrey; now visit the crafts service table and shut up.

O-Cedar picks the men's video as the winner. Lou's charity, the Muscular Dystrophy Association will get a $50,000 donation. Good deal. Tia takes it on the chin and volunteers to be fired, rather than name two members who sucked at the challenge. She will not back-stab in the name of charity. A victory in real life—a loser on this show.

Let's get to the hair!

With her cutting remarks ("O-Cedar's been around for 100 years, and so has Tia."), and camera-hogging, Aubrey O'Day is the true villainess of the show. Since an AVClub commenter once noted that she looks like a bad anime drawing, I can't get that image out of my head whenever she has screen time (which is often). So here's Bad Anime Aubrey—long may she reign.

Could be a fight coming up between Clay Aiken and Penn Jillette. Clay fights with psychological warfare and nervous laughter. Penn with sarcasm and furrowed brow...
 

Lisa Lampanelli did some weird things with her hands to describe how her teammates (namely beautiful Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza) are desperate for camera time, saying that just because you have a face, it doesn't mean you get to talk, or something like that. I can't do her hands justice. Trust me—it involved her smooshing her face with her fingers splayed in a tentacle-like fashion. Patricia Velasquez had an off-part-thing going on with her flat-ironed hair during confession time. Both ladies weirded me out this week in different ways. Good work, ladies!

Trump offspring, Eric, has perfected the slicked-back "American Psycho" look, perfect for big-game hunting in Zimbabwe with brother, Donald Jr.

Trump—how much more can I draw of this guy's scowling countenance? He kind of reminds me of The Thing from Fantastic Four, so here's Trump as The Thing. I feel for whatever comic-book artist is in charge of drawing The Thing week after week. The guy is made from orange rocks and he's very detailed for a superhero. Imagine if he had to deal with Trump's hair on top of everything else?

I'm not going to draw Lou and Tia again even though they both have very nice hair. Here's the viral videos instead. Which one makes you want to tell your friends about the O-Cedar ProMist Spray Mop? First up, Lou.

Here's Tia's team.

 

Lou's video has 2,000 views. Tia's has almost 200 views. I think the winner is clear. None. None is the winner, especially our nation's landfills with all these disposable and semi-disposable cleaning products filling them up in the name of profit margin. Now, let me climb down off my soapbox (actually, I'm sitting on a vinyl exercise ball) and say this: I wish Tia had stuck around longer and showed Trump her stuff. I'm talking about fire, witchery and never-say-die attitude, as seen here in this clip from "Kull the Conqueror." I'm talking: invincible Tia.