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Hey Motherfunker (clean version)

by Proteus x Black Art Ninja

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JeF w/1F
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1.
Proteus Proteus (radio edit) 03:12
lyrics
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I spit angry midgets with spears and annoying guys who work music retail I blasted through the wall of the MC battle on a rollerskating wearing blue whale I got an imagination that surpasses Miyazaki But I'm more twisted than Cronenberg if he was 15, ADD, and addicted to hentai I got four plasma screens in front of me One playing Rollerball, one the Matrix, one’s Pitch Black, and the other Return of the Jedi Addicted to sci-fi Honest Ed's lurking ceramic Elvis bust impersonation device Paramedic fly swatter chandelier eye patch albino troll looking for lice Ditch-digging, Emilio Estevez p-olice F-f-f-freeze My diaries scream from tea leaves through the navel cheese The cesspool bouncing, rambling laser tag Cheerio monk Breast pump tampon douche-churning hockey mask life raft, Mothra needs therapy It's Proteus, slapping your mom across the face with a 2 x 4 If you even look at me I will cut your dog in half Like that giant brain-eating mutant cyborg from Battle Angel Got the big force gun from Doom at my house mounted above my fireplace mantel It’s the octopus swamp demon multiple-eyed demonic chupacabra Abracadabra, I wanna stab ya, what's a Fa-Dabra? My coral reef will affect your spinal column Sodom and Gomorrah with a spatula The other day I was in Tim Hortons Pulled out a live squirrel and tried to staple gun it to my lip I’m dumping mustard on my head slowly as I stare off into space listening to the overture of William Tell I cast a spell on women because there is something about my eyes that's just freaking bizarre Screaming at you from a swamp from another dimension from behind your mirror Kind of like Jacob’s Ladder meets Willow on the set of The Dark Backward I freak the Road Buster at the end of Riding Bean I got three nubile teens in a supernatural rage in the gym Tenticularly ram them on the balance beam Singing “Billie Jean”, “Islands in the Stream” Sexy women will dance to Lords of Acid in the tiger cage I’ll go like Zach de la Roche of Rage ‘Cuz it’’s not the years, it’s the mileage Hippy yip yay, let's drink sew-age in this technological dark age Got a 12 gauge under my sofa and a life size stand up of Faye Valentine in the corner of my crib I got the Gunsmith Cats buck naked laying on their backs on my coffee table covered in rails of jib
2.
Virgin's Blood (radio edit) 03:21
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Flamboyant, safety deposit box sibling rivalry water buffalo Masochistic tadpole virgin intestines I be quadruply freakin' radical I'm mathematical, ridiculously smart and slam a neon flux in an elevator The spaced invader Ocean of cattle death, Grandfather clock swallowing turpentine fish Stegosaurus belly flop, electric eel convolting on a doily of blood Terminal masochism Got me doing the cervical belt sander on my Persian rug I flood mugs with thugs Eat banana muffins with God when the sun goes down I’m going Living La Vida Loco with a rabid muskrat under the ground I sound like an air raid siren being shoved in the nasal passage Of the giant ghost thing from Poltergeist III I’m attacking the Red Hot Chili Peppers with hedge clippers And holding up a chain smoking chinchilla in front of Flea You know who I be The caldron swimming streamer, diarrhea mechanism The pilates class explosion, exhibitionist cube swallowing fatality prism Yo, wearing a woman's brain for a hat I'm guzzling a milkshake of virgin's blood I'm all that, mixed with death on a stick, I'm fly like a balloon The octopus cattle freaker is banging Smurfette sideways in the lagoon At the crack of noon, I'm in attack formation ready to murder yogurt so fast it would make your head spin I'm slapping Bruce Campbell with a tuna while cranking Apex Twin I hang out in igloos and drink lava while throwing pitchforks at God The lemon meringue pies triumphantly steal the orangutan cattle prod I’ll drink eight cups of Folgers dressed up as the Universal Soldier I'm colder than the Terminator And I live across the street from Cosmic Steve Comparing my brain to yours is like Comparing the HAL 9000 to a record sleeve I'm a satellite of Neptune, a shape-shifting sea god, and a urinary tract infection At the comic convention I was kicked out for trying to dry hump the life-size stand-up of Psylocke Premium lenders, the sunlight, and alarm clocks I'm watching The Matrix on the thirteenth floor While getting a lap dance from Motoko Kusanagi I'm running around the Annex in the dead of the night screaming “Inside are the remains of Nurhachi” I'm on the Planet of the Vampires, standing on an anthill yelling “Exterminate! Exterminate!” I create a world all of my own, and I turn hentai into a religion I stay up all night and argue with the plunger and beat the crap out of carrier pigeons Proteus, the Lord of Chaos I got a human face but I got a Nazi death ray machine in my closet I’m a monster demon man-beast strapping your girlfriend to a rocket
3.
Pablo Escobar, Baby (radio edit) 03:12
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Firecracker, napalm, acid-soaked toxic freak baby sun eater Michelin tire eater, stop sign lung-busting mutant lizard skteeter Fruit roll up shit farm killer whale spiral monster suction cup nuke pilot I'm in line at IGA when I kicked the cashier in the head Jumped on the counter, grabbed and screamed “Let’s start the riot,” I'm never quiet I swallow small animals and beat my chest up with a toaster I'm pulling an Andy Defresne for no reason Carving my way into the next door apartment with a spoon behind a Withnail & I poster I absorb more alcohol than bar coasters, I decapitated orangutans on a dog sled There is 10,000 zombi Stormtroopers and a nuclear submarine filled with Ewoks inside of my head I'm cranking Right Said Fred while pile-driving a giraffe I’m staring at a map of Toronto while chewing on my right arm I'm signing up for pilates classes just to try arrange threesomes with bored housewives I’m slowly walking around Queen Bathurst with a grin like the cover of the Richard D. James album while I'm holding two Henckels knives It's the half giant squid, half flying carrot uzi-rocking binary god of everlasting pain The bouncy Betty-throwing aardvark attack formation pie-graphed monster mash moved to Pluto and went haywire I'm wearing a diaper sitting on a giant ant hill while chewing on a Michelin tire I bring the pain like elastic bands will one day walk the earth strapped with AK47s Vaseline Vasquez spudmire, the Go Bot transformer rave starts in an hour and a half Oops, there it is, backflip yoghurt, police cruiser pilates, prepare for the Quickening Throw the dead beaver in the tree shredder with joy Blow up the data with a pipe bomb and smack Bruce Willis into the asteroid Taxiderm loser boy, chairmaster virtual fighter lego erection in space The combusting latex swamp marshmallow has entered the radiation leak I'm tweaked like eat cake by the bog fan I'm up at Casa Loma at 4am speaking in tongues to a frying pan It's Proteus, chilling out with the native Canadians at Bathurst & Queen inhaling gasoline from a Dominion bag Hipsters and goths are my tools, I’m fly like Starscream I'm throwing a Hoover vacuum cleaner into a black hole while telepathically communicating with Zuul in a bad dream Q Bert, Frogger, Bionic Commando, the 2-ton ogre-slaying mecha suit rocking psychopath Polymath isobath backwards, seagull erection suction cups from Hell eat thumbtacks in the basement The octopus swamp monster is lighting candles on the pentagram reading The Guide to Human Erasement Waterslide porcelain falcon-ass clown ramification, liquid paper Star Destroyer Helicopter gun-wielding pyromaniac PCP addict killing a ballroom lawyer Fire retardant mattress subway commuter, fruit rollup maniacal rhyme puker I'm running back and forth saying “near” and ”far” like Grover while swinging a Roto Rooter Modem exploding ethernet cable, crayfish medical spatula frog raptor I am intense, I’m a marsupial strapped on crack in Paris I'm watching your daughter with night vision glasses outside her bedroom at 4am on a birch tree Dick Jones runs OCP, OCP runs the cops I'm standing on ceremony while making love to a Kryptonite bike lock
4.
Lazy Eye (radio edit) 02:57
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I got a horde Of unstoppable robots in my brain It’s time for some Raising Cain Doomsday brain palace robotic banana bread that’s the colour Venetian red into a hospital bed It's time for some digital anarchy, I hate everyone, I want to slaughter every living thing on the planet And I’ve got every character from every video game ever made having a Battle Royale in my freaking head I’ll bulldoze over your stupid rhymes with Caterpillar tread I’ll go Night of the Living Dead ‘Cuz I'm the lone warrior Coming out of the smog armed with a shovel I’m rocking out in the cockpit of a titanic land fortress Getting high on sherm with Edward Greenspan and Barney Rubble There’s going to be trouble when I unleash my doomsday device into the mic and shove your mom into a washing machine Uzumaki style I’m arrogant and hostile in the junk pile, puking versatile binary files that make it all worthwhile The cybernetic, genetically altered human monstrous killing machine Cook up alien smack on a spoon, I bust raps with raccoons And I fly around the city like the Genocyber I'm an unstoppable biological weapon coming to kill you through Wi-Fi, DSL or optical fibre At night I crawl down in the sewers, get whacked out on peyote, screaming “I am the bioflavonoid arachnoid” MC Archanoid experimenting on dead bodies in a large underground structure It’s the soulless mechanoid doing the running man on a dying world It's the grotesque tentacled bionic creature Penguin light bright, Duracell deodorant stick, exploding, it’s 2 in the morning on a Tuesday I’m standing on my head with a dagger in my teeth, watching that movie Dreamscape There is no escape I will do a quadruple backflip into the Sarlac Pit while wearing a woman’s head as a hat It’s Proteus, dressed up as the Grim Reaper, hanging out in the pharmacy section of Shopper’s Drug Mart jumping out at old people trying to give them heart attacks I’m smoking crack with Dan Burke and Cosmic Steve behind the Silver Dollar with a demonic penguin on stilts I’m getting ready to take out indie rockers hanging out in front of Tranzac, holding an M-16 and wearing a kilt Yes, the fires will wilt, the rabbits will die, the Smurf village with get obliterated by Devestator
5.
One Step Backward (radio edit) 03:17
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Consumer right specialist, ridiculously good-looking white guy on the mic You’re a retired raver burn out failed producer, I might as well be a pyromaniac space Cenobite I’m out of sight like I was never even there in the first place At the emcee battle before you even touch the mic I showed you by opening up a briefcase At any rate, there’s no escape From the 80 foot sea anomea that woke up on the wrong side of the bed Human paranoia is funny Everyone in Toronto is talking about me and I’m being monitored by the feds I mean the RCMP And that’s my word My thoughts are loud and clear and absurd Rationality backwards and I can’t sleep at night I am The Chosen, the Satanically-hoofed cloven, rap-style they posin’ I’ll leave you spellbound, speechless, dumbfound and monosyllabic and frozen Out of the fog into the bog, it’s the alien emcee with a cattle prod In one hand I got a rack of lamb and in the other a tai-pan I once ran all the way to Thailand Paddleboat crime spree, shocking to anemone on a rampage It's Proteus showing up at your door at 4am butt naked with a 12 gauge I’m running backwards with a VR helmet while serenading a perverted sea bass I’ll shatter your head like glass ‘cuz you’re stupid And I’m so smart I terrify myself Laugh at your whole sub-genre while I’m guzzling NyQuil I’m gonna stay well ‘Cuz I’m gonna keep writing and rapping and Putting me near a microphone is a direct equivalent to dropping the Hiroshima bomb and releasing the Kraken I'll do a home invasion Cap you and your wife in the head And somehow convince your kids to eat the stuff under the sink ‘Cuz they think I’m the missing link Getting my hijinks By freestyling on the sphinx About tiddlywinks and minks to the point that it damages my larynx Muhaaa! Go work retail, you day-dreaming, guitar-strumming moron I'm swerving between the pylons, reading between the lines, and going to Walmart with nothing but a diver's helmet, bunny slippers, and a cape on So grab the chainsaw, march to the corner store, and poison your cat, kick your mother, throw open the window, and yell “The world has gone to Hell and thus Proteus is here” Marauding vortex flying guillotine, hourglass of salamander brains Radical Mogwai trapeze assassin, lemon meringue pie, external hard drive bringing the pain Like high school girls swinging a chihuahua around the room while at the same time watching Hannibal It's the antisocial cannibal diving headfirst into the septic tank wearing nothing but clogs and a ski mask The fire-eating parking meter humper is molesting the Cabbage Patch Dolls in the life raft All you gotta do is ask and the Wookiee and Fred Durst are going in the blender Bullfrog garden hose, the Decepticons’ bumper stickers, coffee pot ass clown in the fender The giant pogo stick-riding homicidal clown is in your town and ready to take you out, your whole family with a shovel I’m salad-tossing Uma Thurman, smoking banana peels, arm wrestling Barney Rubble
6.
Hey Motherfunker 03:02
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Throw on the air raid siren I am about to pull a Carl Lewis through Spatula City In one sentence I can decapitate Wallace & Gromit and disembowel P. Diddy I’m in the Gravitron at the Ex holding a lava lamp next to Cosmic Steve Screaming “We are the world” and puking out gummy bears on my shirt sleeve When I step to the mic, my whole face pops open like that geisha sex-bot from G.I.T.S. Part 2 Rick Moranis, Audrey 2, Lego Waffle, Mack Tack, Egyptian Cat gets attacked by sulfuric shoe goo I sliced off four appendages, did a backflip in slow-mo and got the mutant freak in a joke hold I pulled out one of those button-sized explosive devices from Kite and shoved it right in his ear And then, as I was running away far, Grover ran up to the camera and said “Near” And then it was all crystal clear, what I needed to do now and for the rest of my life I need to hang out in subways and pull a Golden Child on the pillars going “I-I-I want the knife!” I’m going up in hot air balloons just so I can toss bricks at livestock I’m freaking out hanging off the big hand of the Calagastro Clock 10,000 Super Nintendos meld together and form the N-1000 and start looking for Sara Connor I just re-wired 6 Tachikomas with multiple copies of the Cyber Brain of Jeffrey Dammer And I’m sending them to your house equipped with every power tool known to man Mom claimed that I did not have a cousin Eoin so I hit him wth the frying pan Bendy straw pylon staircase venereal horror king weaving a unicycle through a series of pylons I'm in the Event Horizon breakdancing with the guy who's got no freaking eyes I'm the guy in Toronto who goes around on all the newspaper boxes writing the word “lies” In this issue, everybody dies! And Wolverine teaches a prenatal class The Game Master banned me from the hub for two weeks because I kept hitting on Ash I’m going through your trash dressed as the 7-foot big hairy monster guy from The Muppets 10,000 Gremlins bumrush the Tim Hortons lead by a demonic sock puppet Trapezoid, Rubic’s Cube, Jiffy Lube, particle seaweed wombat killer Salivating bouncing weed smoker Virgin twin multi-pen mattress thriller Ridiculous brain filler Internet addict who’ll bang head off keyboard Scarf-wearing Time Lord Arachnoid smoking When I woke up, Freddy Krueger was roasting marshmallows in my bedroom with Dark Man And this towelhead guy was snake charming a Taipan I dove out of bed but the floor gave away and I fell into a dungeon with a multi-armed end guy from Mortal Kombat He was running at me so I pulled out a pair of Glocks and aimed for his dome and let off 32 caps It’s Proteus, pointing an Uzi at New York’s finest from the back of a van wearing a nylon Blue fire sparks from my fist before I grab a mic like Battle Angel Alita Proteus running up the pillar doing a backflip over Morpheus in the dojo War It's fantastic
7.
Mr Proteus (radio edit) 03:05
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Yeah, yo, it's the atomic baby With an influence that's mystical Harmonical Hysterical Strange style individual My tyrannical life force is an urban takeover on cruise control Harmonic convergence, youthquake from the binary code From the ones and zeros, I get progressive and underground The mission to the unknown myth-maker has got an alien sound That I found in the hall of dolls Freestylin' with Kabal about the meaning of it all Even the power of the Daleks can’t compare to the man with the weird stare In the next junction stage rockin’ Timbaland footwear When the Daredevil's on the decks, they can't control the damage It’s Mr. Fear, loud and clear, your mortal mind can't manage The plunderer of brain cells, freestyle organizer More improvisation than that guy named MacGyver Like a deep sea diver, I delve into cold, dark water The praying mantis from Atlantis blowin' up like a mortar Explosion Mind corrosion The red costumed trapster While the city sleeps, I telepathically fracture Your whole mental frame, go forth and rearrange And leave broken turntables, bloodstains, where the UFO abduction Then begin the production Of simulated black hole suction Every molecule of me is a chemical when I get egotistical And bust that fanatical frontside, crooked grind to fakie style I'm the cream of the scene, the spectro’s gone wild The urban junglist with bass technology when I drop drum science With toxic reasons for reality defiance So get the fattest, freshest, kindest bud that you’ve ever smoked Like that velveteen green kinda herb, and listen to what I wrote When I prescribe the prescription I make them all walk like Egyptians ‘Cuz they got their whole style from their Source subscription You can call me Lithium ‘cuz I'm on an expedition To see the other side and meet Lando Calrissian Nitroglycerin thoughts straight from the Starslammer My styles be spaced out like the broke smoke the bammer Hammered so I stammer, I'm the spaced invader The illegal cybernetic body part trader The Grader’s what they call me I'm the machine that's gonna level the Earth A crusader You're just a wader as I delve into the depths of the murk I go to work, I'm the octopus Sonically reinforced ‘Cuz it's dope when I'm blowin' future breeze in my speed garage Pharmaceutical perfection, camouflaged collage So you can't sabotage my futuristic flavour And you can’t buy cool so I’ll Pharcyde you later
8.
Carrie Fisher (radio edit) 03:02
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Last night I had a dream I made Carrie Fisher simulate to a thermal detonator while she was dressed as Boba Fett Alcoholic engagement Vietnam vet Me and Agent Smith play Battleship listening to Das EFX in the sewer And then go back in time and open up for Gwar on their Live From Antarctica tour I see in infrared like the Predator I wear a mask like Kabal I make sci-fi kids go more nuts then the ending scene from Rollerball I've watched Avalon a thousand times and I keep trying to go inside the TV I'm gouging out my eye with scissors like May, having a fit yelling “See me!” I know the Matrix is real, but no one believes me like Foster in Flight Plan I'm in the parking lot of Castle Loma at 3am crying, waiting for the aliens to land Hail the new flesh like Videodrome Mr. Wizard find me an exit I got more skills than Jason Bourne, Rambo and the Spriggan combined The only thing I fear is the power of my own mind After I battled the Silver Surfer, the sucker needed a skin graft My lyrics do more damage than when the Hulk fought Wolverine Battling me is like fighting Magneto in a room full of ball bearings and I-beams I went into Freddy's dreams, tore off his skin like Hellraiser and threw him on a spit Barbecued him like Spawn and then cut him in half at the waist like Ghostship My brain makes Jacob’s Ladder look like a mild fun trip on half a hit I’m having a lucid dream about Trinity naked on a motorcycle doing a backflip No one in history has ever been this sick I got the fear like Meat Beat Manifesto I got sensory deprivation tanks: one for me, one for Sutter Kain, one for the Scarecrow, and one for Destro My chest opens up and out drops a bomb that blows up the whole planet like smoke I'm more paranoid than Scarface when I'm sitting face down in my coke In a past existence, I was trees in Evil Dead There's an army of Cenobites, zombies, and drunk ninjas inside of my head On stage, I lift up my shirt, let Kuato ooze out and start rapping Until he projectile vomits while I'm uncontrollably laughing I'm going on a rampage like Bill Foster in Falling Down Armed with a helicopter gun, dressed up as the It clown In a stolen Ferrari, blasting Judas Priest like the Hidden I see a microphone and my eyes turn red and I start cursing and spitting I get hype, jump in my DeLorean and put it right to the floor Purposely ram into the TARDIS in the time tunnel just to piss off the Time Lord I'm writing this as I'm getting hardcore like plunging a knife into a colostomy bag An expert at the female libido, degrading talk, handcuffs and gags Evil as Clarence Boddicker Full Metal Yakuza I’m outside your window at 4am loading up a bazooka I’ll turn invisible like Hollow Man and cut off your head like the Highlander Just my voice alone will have your girl’s hands doing the cervical belt sander I took Cobra Commander and crucified him to the wall with a nail gun Made him watch in horror as I pulled an Ichi the Killer and cut of my own tongue I sit alone in a room everyday all day until I start seeing bugs like Old Boy And giant bunny rabbits called Frank that are telling me the universe is gonna be destroyed I’m not human, I’m an alien preying mantis whose psychic ability is off the scale I did acid over 300 times as a kid and I am still seeing trails

about

This version of Hey Motherfucker is clean, shorter, and has some variation in the lyrics.

Hey Motherfunker is the best way to listen to Proteus in polite society.

credits

released October 17, 2025

Written and performed by Proteus
Produced by Black Art Ninja

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Hand'Solo Records Toronto

Operating out of Toronto, Canada since 1996, Hand'Solo Records is devoted to releasing quality hip hop that is creative, clever and often experimental. Early releases, now out of print, include Buck 65, Sixtoo, Moka Only, and others. Currently home to The Dirty Sample, Ol' Gorilla Bones, Epic, Tachichi, No Town Vandal, Fortunato, Magick Show and Mickey O'Brien. ... more

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