GONE IN 60 SECONDS (2000)

Steal 50 cars in 72 hours. That’s the gist of the entire story.

Nicolas Cage is the greatest car thief in the known universe. But he’s retired. So, in order to pull off a needlessly overly complicated job in an unnecessarily short amount of time, gangster Christopher Eccleston threatens to force Cage’s lil’ brother, Giovanni Ribisi, to watch a Will Smith movie…or was it kill him? Hum, I can’t remember. Either way it’s a horrible punishment and Cage understands the seriousness of the situation. So, he assembles a 2 kool 4 skool group of forgettable dorks (and Robert Duvall) to help him steal 50 high-end whips in 72 hours. At the same time, there are two police detectives (Delroy Lindo and Timothy Olyphant) following leads and eventually discovering the invention of the blacklight.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS is an interesting callback to the dark days before the Fast & Furious movies and it helps me appreciate the series even more than I already do. On paper, 60 Seconds has the ingredients for an awesome cheesy guilty pleasure fast car movie, but, sadly, it’s unable to turn those ingredients into an awesome movie. Instead, it’s just kinda…meh. There are no standout moments, the characters are all one-dimensional, the car chases are boring, almost zero regard by any of the characters concerning the immediate danger they’re in, the dialog is forgettable bland chatter, most of the acting is on cruise control and the entire look of the film is just off. Like why are all the daytime scenes so brown?

I've seen GONE IN 60 SECONDS a few times over the years and every single time I go into it hoping that it's gonna be awesome and that maybe last time I saw it I was wrong, but then I watch it and end up thinking "This is it?" It's disappointing because, beforehand, in my handsome brain I see this insanely awesome story full of colourful characters and badass action, but then the reality is a simplistic, by-the-numbers car chase movie...with boring car chases. Overall, it's a watchable film, but it misses that spark that would make it dope. Also, I could never get over the fact that our heroes are literally car thieves! So, like no matter what their reasonings are…they’re still causing innocent people massive hardships due to their property being stolen. And we're suppose to be rooting for these people? Fuck them. And don’t even get me started on the innocent people injured from all of the car wrecks.

Also, for no reason in particular, I wanna give a quick shoutout to whoever did the casting for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. You deserve a Gallo 12 and a Gallo 24.

Original - Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)

TRIPLE 9 (2016)

Atlanta, Georgia.  Five crooked cops are in cahoots with a Russian mafia family.  As always, in these types of movies, things soon spiral out of control and people start turning on each other.  In this case, the mafia family has the upper hand on the crooked cops and they instruct them to steal a certain safety security box from a bank.  They do (rather sloppily), but instead of paying them, the mafia orders the crooked cops to do a second (even more dangerous) job.  This doesn't sit well with the crooked cops and tensions rise.  At the same time, one of the crooked cops is given a new partner (an actual honest cop!) and detective Woody Harrelson is put on the case to solve the original bank robbery.  Other stuff happens as well.

During the first part of TRIPLE 9 I was digging it, but then things bogged down and by the end I just didn't care anymore.  The biggest problem is there's too damn much going on and I never knew who the main characters was...if there even was one.  Both Chiwetel Ejiofor and Casey Affleck turn in solid performances, but unfortunately there was so many other people with equal screen time it was impossible for me to get fully invested in their characters.  Also, I wish that the characters at least looked different.  The crooked cop gang consisted of two blacks, one Latino and two white brothers.  At the same time, the new partner Casey Affleck is white and his character looked similar to crooked crew member Aaron Paul, so I kept getting them mixed up and the two black guys in the crooked cop crew Chiwetel Ejiofor and Anthony Mackie were always wearing the same type of clothes and sometimes even masks(!) and once again I kept getting confused as to who the hell was who.  Maybe I'm just an ignorant fuck, but I really wish the characters had been more distinct.

Promising story that never pans out, muted colours, three entertaining action scenes, quick glimpses of grittiness that do nothing more than tease, solid acting by an overpopulated cast, lame cock tease during that exploding car scene (I wanted to actually see the car explode, not some lame off-in-the-distance explosion like a helicopter exploding behind the hill on "Airwolf"), weak nudity, cool looking Mexican gang bangers, zombies ahead, nice camerawork, mediocre direction.

Worth watching, but it's nowhere near as awesome as it could have been if the filmmakers had streamlined the story/cast and upped the gritty drama. If you need me, I'll be in my room watching "True Detective" season 1, episode 4.