GONE IN 60 SECONDS (2000)

Steal 50 cars in 72 hours. That’s the gist of the entire story.

Nicolas Cage is the greatest car thief in the known universe. But he’s retired. So, in order to pull off a needlessly overly complicated job in an unnecessarily short amount of time, gangster Christopher Eccleston threatens to force Cage’s lil’ brother, Giovanni Ribisi, to watch a Will Smith movie…or was it kill him? Hum, I can’t remember. Either way it’s a horrible punishment and Cage understands the seriousness of the situation. So, he assembles a 2 kool 4 skool group of forgettable dorks (and Robert Duvall) to help him steal 50 high-end whips in 72 hours. At the same time, there are two police detectives (Delroy Lindo and Timothy Olyphant) following leads and eventually discovering the invention of the blacklight.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS is an interesting callback to the dark days before the Fast & Furious movies and it helps me appreciate the series even more than I already do. On paper, 60 Seconds has the ingredients for an awesome cheesy guilty pleasure fast car movie, but, sadly, it’s unable to turn those ingredients into an awesome movie. Instead, it’s just kinda…meh. There are no standout moments, the characters are all one-dimensional, the car chases are boring, almost zero regard by any of the characters concerning the immediate danger they’re in, the dialog is forgettable bland chatter, most of the acting is on cruise control and the entire look of the film is just off. Like why are all the daytime scenes so brown?

I've seen GONE IN 60 SECONDS a few times over the years and every single time I go into it hoping that it's gonna be awesome and that maybe last time I saw it I was wrong, but then I watch it and end up thinking "This is it?" It's disappointing because, beforehand, in my handsome brain I see this insanely awesome story full of colourful characters and badass action, but then the reality is a simplistic, by-the-numbers car chase movie...with boring car chases. Overall, it's a watchable film, but it misses that spark that would make it dope. Also, I could never get over the fact that our heroes are literally car thieves! So, like no matter what their reasonings are…they’re still causing innocent people massive hardships due to their property being stolen. And we're suppose to be rooting for these people? Fuck them. And don’t even get me started on the innocent people injured from all of the car wrecks.

Also, for no reason in particular, I wanna give a quick shoutout to whoever did the casting for THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. You deserve a Gallo 12 and a Gallo 24.

Original - Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)

THE CORE (2003)

"You want me to hack the planet?"

One day freaky accidents start happening. Pacemakers quit working, the guidance system on the Space Shuttle shits itself, birds get crunk and wreck into a bus, a random fish hits a window in London (screenshot below), lightning storms, an EM Tear detected, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria! Scientists determine that the Earth's core has stopped spinning, so now a group of dorks are gonna have to drive a laser drill RV down to the bottom of the planet and give that bitch a nuclear kick in the nuts. Sounds reasonable enough.

If you're looking for a serious film then it's Bad News Bears for you, but if you're looking for something cheesy to laugh at then THE CORE is a safe bet. It's not a cheeseball home run like ARMAGEDDON, but it's pretty goddamn horrible. I especially liked the hacker dude talking about his "kung fu" and the Carl Sagan guy rambling about the human condition. My one big complaint is there's no hot chicks in the entire movie. It was a total sausagefest. They should have at least given us one hot chick to look at. C'mon!

Dated special effects, nearly all male cast, goofy science, Xena tapes, Hot Pockets, multiple misspelled words, people being thrust forward during a free fall, Rome blowing up, not all cast members moving during a wreck, plot holes big enough to drive a laser drill RV through...this movie is an awesome guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty at all about enjoying.  I honestly watch it a few times a year.  No bullshit.  Check it out.

[Update 05/03/2026: Just watched THE CORE again and I really enjoyed it. Even after probably 20 viewings (if not more), it's still super fun to quote and yell at.]