TV On The Radio #21: Doctor Who

It can't have escaped your notice that Doctor Who celebrated its 60th anniversary last week, blasting its way back onto screen with an old face and a Disney+ budget. Like most British kids, I grew up with The Doctor, and your first Doctor will always be your favourite. Which means you can't beat Tom Baker in my eyes. 

The Human League - Tom Baker

Number twelve, there's Amy Chan
Writing down a line for the candy man
About the time she saw Tom Baker
Drinking down the Hat and Fan

Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Still, I have a great fondness for most of the other Doctors, including the modern incarnations (although Huddersfield lass Jodie Whittaker was let down during her tenure by terrible scripts). They say we spent large parts of our youth hiding behind the sofa to avoid the show's scarier bits... and I do have vivid memories of being behind that old red leather sofa in our living room on a Saturday night... but I'm pretty sure I was acting out the adventures I'd just seen on screen rather than escaping in terror.  

Here then is a special edition of TV On The Radio dedicated to all the Doctors. 

Search for songs that include the words "Doctor Who" in that order and you're on a hiding to nothing. Unless you want to hear a load of tunes that have nothing to do with Timelords such as this...  

She sent me to the doctor who sent me straight to bed

Elvis Presley - I Gotta Know

Or this...

Well, Janey's got a doctor who tears apart her insides

Bruce Springsteen - Janey Needs A Shooter

I had far more luck searching for words that were unique to the Whoniverse. Such as TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space, as I'm sure you will recall).

Here's someone who would look right at home in an episode of Doctor Who... Thom Yorke.

I'm stuck in the TARDIS
Trapped in hyperspace
One minute, snake charming
The next in a motorcade

Radiohead - Up On The Ladder

Meanwhile, Alison Goldfrapp is having a dreary evening...

I search alone on empty glasses
The lights come on illuminating
A nowhere bar that's like a TARDIS
It's the longest night I've ever known

Goldfrapp - I Wanna Life

And Paul Heaton has managed to incorporate a TARDIS into his chat-up lines...

This heart was like a TARDIS
I went and lost the key in a fight
I've never found a locksmith
Will you be my locksmith tonight?

The Beautiful South - How Long's A Tear Take To Dry?

As Doctor Who's budget has grown, the amount of baddies he has to defeat has multiplied. Yes, there are times when he does face a Massive Attack...

The blues get big, Massive are even larger
Save 'nuff space into the Tricky TARDIS

Massive Attack - Blue Lines

Step outside the TARDIS and you may encounter some of The Doctor's greatest enemies. For reasons explained above, I didn't bother looking for The Master, and only found the odd song that mentioned Cybermen... but the Daleks were all over the place. 

The Art Attacks - I Am A Dalek

You must remember that time The Clash turned into Daleks?

Repression, gonna start on Tuesday
Repression, gonna be a Dalek
Repression, I am a robot
Repression, I obey

The Clash - Remote Control

Kirsty, meanwhile, is trying her hand at online dating... with less than desirable results...

He says the camera is on and

Can I see him yet?

I say "Babe you look like a ghost

And sound like a Dalek to me"

So let's go back to the written word

Even though we both know it's absurd

Kirsty Maccoll - Here Comes That Man Again

And Scots favourites The Supernaturals are having a bad day... cheer up, lads!

I feel like a Dalek inside,

Everything's gone grey but used to be so black and white

The Supernaturals - Smile

Then there's this... which I suppose I'll allow as it's just turned December (still a little early for me).

The Go Gos - I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek

As previously established, that isn't the Go Gos we all know know.

Even Siouxsie was a fan...

The Dalek drones are drowning

We're flying, we're climbing

Cars sit corroding

As we soar away

The Creatures - Weathercade

A few more, because Daleks usually travel in troops...

Martin Gordon - Her Daddy Was a Dalek, Her Mummy Was a Non-Stick Frying Pan

Bent - Dalek Party

Rotersand - Exterminate Annihilate Destroy

Spiderbait - Shakespeare’s Tacklebox

Golem Dance Cult - Dalek Rhetoric

Daleks in high collars 
Monologue and I outsmart them 
With a ray-gun and a tweet

Will Wood - The Main Character

Dave Balfe and Alan Gill from The Teardrop Explodes formed the most famous band to be named after the psychotic pepper pots, possibly my favourite science fiction bad guys (the Daleks, not Balfe and Gill).   

Dalek I Love You - Horroscope

Despite my difficulties in searching for "Doctor Who" songs, I still found quite a few that mentioned the Timelord by name (or, not actually by name, since Doctor Who isn't actually his name, is it?). Although many of them fall into the category that causes serious musos to gnash their teeth to the gums... comedy or novelty records.

Mitch Benn - Call Me During Doctor Who And I'll Kill You

Frazer Hines was a minor Yorkshire celebrity due to his role on Emmerdale Farm in the 70s and 80s (back when my dad used to watch it because they had actual farmyard scenes). Prior to that, Frazer was an early Doctor Who assistant when he recorded this...

Frazer Hines - Who's Doctor Who?

Far more impressive is this offering from the Third Doctor, old Wurzel Gummidge himself...

The closest we've come to that in the modern era is this comic ode to the showrunners who resurrected The Doctor in 2005...

David Tennant, John Barrowman & Catherine Tate - The Ballad of Russell and Julie 

Meanwhile, Dean Gray is keen to note the similarity between the Doctor Who theme tune and Green Day's Holiday...

Dean Gray - Dr Who on Holiday

Next up, Space... well, The Doctor does spend a lot of time there, doesn't he?

Your bank balance took a dint
And now you're Rupert Grint
Nappies cost a bob or two
You wish you were Doctor Who

Space - Fortune Teller

And here's a brand new tune from the band with the best name going. (Not that I'm biased.)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't
Doctor Who and doublethink
The path not took, fork in the road

English Teacher - Mastermind Specialism

And of course, the great Nigel Blackwell has an opinion on Doctor Who fans...

Weekends, vintage car show, Doctor Who aficionado
No wife, no kids, no way juke box
I get sent the Belstaff catalogues

Half Man Half Biscuit - CAMRA Man

Once All About Eve were done, lead singer Julianne Regan formed Mice. Here's a little timely advice for any of you who might be considering running off with a stranger in a blue police box...

He's my blue sonic boy
I believed in his watery lies
And his half-arsed scheme to rule the world
But you know it isn't easy hanging out with the timelords
When you're a Dalek and can't even climb up the stairs
So when you wake tomorrow, stick a bell in your van

Mice - Blue Sonic Boy

There were lots of artists I discovered during this search who looked like they'd only ever get a gig at Comicon, but these guys deserved a special mention, for enthusiasm, if nothing else...

Graham Bodenham & Leonora Winstanley - Call The Doctor

Nipping on the heels of today's obvious winner, here's a band named after an insult from Star Wars. Wrong galaxy, right tune.

Nerf Herder - Doctor Who

But there was only one song I could choose to close this post, from the insane genius of Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, The KLF, The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu and The Timelords... with a little help from The Sweet and (whisper it now) Gary Glitter. A Number One smash that Melody Maker described as "pure, unadulterated agony" and "excruciating", while Sounds called it "rancid" and "a record so noxious that a top ten place can be its only destiny". What's not to love?

Namesakes #36: Space

In the vast infinity of space, there appears to be an endless number of bands who have chosen to call themselves Space. Here is a selection of the ones I could find... before I ran out of space.

SPACE #1

We start with a songwriter called Sterling Storm who began his career as a member of Californian surf rock band Eddie & The Showmen, and who would later go on to join 80s New Wave band The Humans. Here he is in 1968 with his sole release as Space.

SPACE #2

Next - how about a whole album of Latin psychedelic rock from 1970... because I can't find individual tracks? They were from Puerto Rico, where they also went by the name The Living End. It's only 38 minutes, I'm sure you've not got anything better to do with your time.

SPACE #3

In 1975, the Tremeloes, long after Brian Poole had buggered off to pursue a solo career and the hits were but distant memories, released an album with the rather desperate title Don't Let The Music Die. Perhaps to distance themselves from the past, the record was originally credited to Space... although it was reissued later under The Tremeloes name. Here's the sole Space single...

SPACE #4

1977. Disco. French disco. Didier Marouani (aka Ecama) and Roland Romanelli. #2 in the UK charts. And a video that was cutting edge at the time. Daft Punk were clearly taking notes.

SPACE #5

No date on this one, or any information I can find (Ernie might know better), but it's jazzy... and a hell of a lot better than the next offering, which is also jazzy. If you like this, there's one copy going for £240 on discogs.

SPACE #6

Jazz. Hardcore free jazz, that is, from 1984. Roscoe Mitchell, Tom Buckner, Gerald Oshita were Space... and if this is what passes for conversation first thing in their house, I'm glad I skip breakfast.

SPACE #7

If you thought the free jazz was bad, imagine how bad a techno version of Purple Haze would be. This is why 1990 was not a good year for music. The best I can say about it is that the vocalist is called Doreen Waddell. There's not enough Doreens in pop music.

SPACE #8

The Scouse Space, who I saw live a few times during the high times of the 90s, looked like the archetypal Britpop band with their shaggy moptop hairdos that recalled their 60s predecessors far more than those lunkhead brothers from Manchester. Their music veered off on weird tangents though, with echoes of Brel, Gainsborough and other less conventional 60s acts. Lyrically, they were more adventurous than many of their peers too, though this was sometimes hard to swallow for the anthem-craving masses. Two of their biggest hits, The Female Of The Species and the tune below, didn't sound like anything else on the radio... and they were clearly Lloyd Grossman fans. Who lives in a house like this?

   

SPACE #9

And so we reach The Final Frontier! 

Australian singer-songwriter Jason Smith now lives in LA, where he goes under the name Space. Here's a song about Brian losing his last battle...

Which ones would you find Space for in your record collection... and which ones deserve to be shot into space?

Snapshots #185: A Top Ten Spider Songs

For a Top Ten Spider Songs, here's three Spider-Men. Rumour has it they may all appear together in the same film at the end of this year. That probably won't mean much to you, but to me it'll be like all my Christmases come at once.

Anyway, some web-spinning songs...

10. Not the French band.

Last week we featured the French band Space. This is the Liverpudlian band who stole their name.

Space - Spiders

9. The front of the ship, that is.

I.E. the bow.

You could have had this...

David Bowie - Glass Spider

But really I was thinking of this...

David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust... and The Spiders From Mars

8. Could be Jack's victims?

Jack was a Giant Killer.

They Might Be Giants - Spider!

7. Join teeth: yow!

Anagram!

Tony Joe White - Stud Spider

6. The sound of Queen's motorbike.

Freddie Mercury's bike goes REV!

Mercury Rev - Spiders & Flies

5. Heaven wouldn't, but...

...hell wood.

(That's Jim White, Johnny Dowd and Willie B, Americana fans.)

Hellwood - Spider In The Bed

4. Heard by Horton.

The Who - Boris The Spider

3. Short gambler makes you go Euurrrghh!

Kenny Rogers was The Gambler. Shortened, he's Ken... and he's ickie!

Kenickie - Scared Of Spiders

2. Place for exercise, halfway between Stoke and Wolverhampton.

Halfway between Stoke and Wolverhampton is Stafford.

Jim Stafford - Spiders And Snakes

1. Muddled moaners.

Moaners, muddled up, gives you Ramones.

More Snapshots swing into to town next Saturday.

Snapshots #184: A Top Ten Magic Songs

What connected all the songs on yesterday's Snapshots quiz, Paul?

"That's... magic!"

10. Library woman in disarray.

"Library woman" is a wonderful anagram for old Manly Barrimore...

Barry Manilow - Could It Be Magic?

9. Like 10CC and Pearl Jam. (Ick.)

I won't spoil your Saturday morning by explaining the connection too graphically, suffice it to say their names all come back to the same point of origin...

The Lovin' Spoonful - Do You Believe In Magic?

8. Not involved with The Female of the Species.

The 90s band Space sand about The Female Of The Species.

20 odd years before that though, there was a French band with the same moniker...

Space - Magic Fly

And that's where Daft Punk got their act.

7. Wild German dog.

Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Ride

6. Boob drug? Oh!

It was an anagram!

Bob Dorough - Three Is A Magic Number

5. Discovered gravity on the loo.

Isaac Newton, on the John.

Olivia Newton John - Magic

Some great minor chords in that.

4. Steal a duck.

Nick a drake!

Nick Drake - Magic

3. Army (under another name) eats home-made Sunday dinner.

Another name for army might be limb-y.

Homemade Sunday dinner is family cooking.

Limmie & The Family Cooking - You Can Do Magic

2. Dangermouse. Krypto. Champion.

They're all Super Furry Animals, of course.

Super Furry Animals - God! Show Me Magic

1. Victoria.

Queen Victoria, obviously.

More magic next Saturday.

My Top Ten Movie Murderer Songs

Last week's post on Infamous (real life) Murderers was really only a warm up for this, my Halloween special for 2018. I spent far too many Friday and Saturday nights when I was growing up watching gruesome horror movies about some very unpleasant bad guys. And despite what Mary Whitehouse said, it never did me any harm...

...or did it? Mwuh-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Here's ten songs dedicated to the bloodthirsty "heroes" of my youth...

10. Jon English - The Shining

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I'm not sure what's scarier... Jack Nicholson in The Shining, or Jon English in this.

Looks like hell, like hell, Jack Torrance knows it well
Look at it bubblin' in the boiler at the Overlook Hotel

9. Bloodhound Gang - Take The Long Way Home

The greatest trick the devil ever played... was getting you to listen to a song by the Bloodhound Gang.

Did you ever read Voltaire's "Candide"?
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go, Keyser Soze

8. Alice Cooper - He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)

Credit to the producers of Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives... quite a coup getting Alice Cooper to put on the hockey mask.

7. The Ramones - Chainsaw

The Ramones were evidently fans of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and its gruesome killer Leatherface. Though he doesn't get mentioned by name here, he play a big part in the song. For an actual Leatherface namecheck, check out The Wonder Years - Suburbia.

The Ramones also had a song called Pinhead... long before this dude arrived on the scene.

6. Sammy Davis Jr. - Candyman

The movie came a long time after Sammy's song... but it's still pretty damned scary.

5. Landscape - My Name Is Norman Bates

They're weren't just about Einstein.

See also Blondie - Kidnapper... a very dark turn for Debbie.

Hey, you've got an unnerving face
And twitching eyes like Norman Bates

4. Manic Street Preachers - Patrick Bateman

Patrick Bateman wasn't all bad. He was a big fan of Huey Lewis & The News, for one thing.

By the way, if you've never seen it before, I seriously recommend watching Huey's response to that scene (along with Weird Al Yankovich). No, seriously. You owe it to yourself.

3. Sleeper - Nice Guy Eddie

One of many amoral psychos in the Reservoir Dogs community. Any excuse for a bit of Louise Wener.

2. Space & Catatonia - The Ballad of Tom Jones

No, I'm not suggesting that the Welsh Wonder is a serial killer on the side, but Cerys certainly accuses Tommy Scott of being a scary psycho...

You're worse than Hannibal Lecter,
Charlie Manson, Freddy Krueger

1. The Meteors - Michael Myers

Pure psychobilly from the early 80s, paying tribute to the daddy of all movie murderers... the one who famously wears a William Shatner mask... Michael Myers. Happy Halloween!



Now I'm just going down into the cellar. Don't worry, I'll be right back...

Saturday Snapshots #52 - The Answers

It's been twenty-three hours and zero days since you finished answering (most of) this week's Saturday Snapshots... and, as often is the case, the early bird walked away with the prize. Well done, C! Nothing compares to you lot...



10. Riding through Dublin or Lynchburg (but not Campbeltown) with Bruce's dad.

Dublin and Lynchburg are towns that produce Whiskey with an e. Campbeltown produces Whisky without an e. Back when I was a whiskey/y connoisseur (20+ years ago), I preferred Scotch to Irish, but Bourbon beat them both.

In the song My Hometown, an 8 year old Bruce Springsteen rides through town with his dad. This is a different song with the same title.

Yes, Martin, that is Ryan Adams. But it could also have been Tim Burgess with that haircut.

Whiskeytown - My Hometown

9. Dick Kapital ☠.

Dick Kapital was easy: Richard being Dick, Marx writing Das Kapital.

The skull & crossbones caused a lot more trouble - it's used as a hazard symbol, specifically for poisons and other lethal substances.

Nice mullet/stubble combo, by the way.

Richard Marx - Hazard

8. Earthquake breaks up angelic ork.

Easy, it seems. Anagram.

Carole King - I Feel The Earth Move

7. Short hello in Oo fancies a big dipper.

Stick hi in the middle of Oo and you get Ohio.

A big dipper is a rollercoaster.

Ohio Players - Love Rollercoaster

6. The longest key on your street.

The longest key on a keyboard is the space bar.

Space - Neighbourhood

5. Troglodyte onomatopoeia.

Troglodytes were primitives.

Crash is an onomatopoeia.

Primitives - Crash

4. Washington Butler can see clearly.

George Washington.

Robert Guillaume played the Butler Benson.

If you can see clearly, you have 20/20 vision.

George Benson - 20/20

3. Wilde meat glares at Joan Crawford.

Kim Wilde.

Meat = carne (as in carnivore).

Bette Davis glared at Joan Crawford.

Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes

2. Bad bad (almost) Beach Boy Brown ups the bidding.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown + Van Dyke Parks.

My dad used to be an auctioneer. This song always makes me think of him.

Leroy Van Dyke - The Auctioneer

1. What if Alan Bennett only wrote one monologue?

Alan Bennett wrote a series of monologues called Talking Heads. But if he'd only written one...

(If you've not seen it before, check out the Donald Trump version.)



Erm... Mandinka next Saturday. Or something.

My Top Ten Bad Day Songs

Ironically, today has been a very good day. I took my son out of pre-school and we had a boys' day out. There was ice cream, ducks, sculpture an enormous tower (bigger than the Eiffel Tower, it turns out, and only about 20 minutes from home).

Anyway, I wrote this one last week. So if your day hasn't been as good as mine, here's ten songs to help you feel better... and no Daniel Powter!



10. Blur - Bad Day

I'm not sure early Blur has aged that well. But I never was particularly baggy...

Still better than anything Oasis ever did. 

9. Coco - Bad Old Days

Yes. I put this in here just to piss off Damon Albarn.

Look - Cheryl Baker!

Before Bucks Fizz!

With another Eurovision entry!

Which bombed!

Shame? What's that?

(Nothing personal if you're a big Blur fan. I was once. But Damon just annoys me these days.)

8. Okkervil River - My Bad Days

Probably the most depressing song on this list. But if you're having a bad days, that's probably apt...

7. Space - Bad Days

Space 1997: when they could do no wrong. 'Why do bad days last forever and ever?', asks Tommy Scott.

6. Shirley Lee - Good Days & Bad Days

Spearmint's Shirley, from his 2011 double solo album Summer Spring Winter Autumn, before he got the band back together. Always worth a listen.

5. Kasey Chambers - On A Bad Day

Lovely Aussie country, with Lucinda Williams on backing vocals.

4. The Charlatans - Bad Days

Great song from The Charlies' 2008 album You Cross My Path: sounds like The White Stripes meets The Cure. I'll play this one for Charity Chic who snoozed and lost on the Charlies front this week.

3. Darwin Deez - Bad Day

Don't get on the wrong side of Darwin: he'll wish you unwell...

I hope that the last page of your 800 page novel is missing
I hope that it rains if you leave the window down on your red Mustang

If you drop your keys I hope there's a sewer somewhere very nearby
I hope that your team lost, I hope your new girl takes off with a new guy

And I would like to be your girlfriend so I could dump you
And I would like to be your garbage man so I would never have to pick up your trash again

2. The Flaming Lips - Bad Days 

An anthem for the everyman... courtesy of a band who are anything but. 

You're sorta stuck where you are
But in your dreams you can buy expensive cars
Or live on Mars
And have it your way

And you hate your boss at your job
Well, in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams
Show no mercy!

1. R.E.M. - Bad Day

Classic REM. It wasn't officially released until 2003 as an extra rack / single on a Best Of, but the roots of this song go back to the band's earliest days. A version was originally performed in 1985 when the media and the president were obviously in need of a kicking. Although as time goes by, you almost wish Ronnie would come back...

A public service announcement followed me home the other day
I paid it nevermind. Go away.
Shit so thick you could stir with a stick- free Teflon whitewashed presidency
We're sick of being jerked around
Wear that on your sleeve
Broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, lord,
Count your blessings.
We're sick of being jerked around
We all fall down.




I hope one of these made your day a little better...