Showing posts with label Bloodhound Gang. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bloodhound Gang. Show all posts

Monday, 20 November 2023

Neverending Top Ten #6.5: The Lynx Effect



Sam has started wearing deodorant. 

I'm not sure he needs it yet, he's still a few years off being a sweaty teenager, but apparently it's the thing. So his mum bought him some Lynx. Because the makers have moved away from the ridiculous notion that if you spray yourself with Lynx, thousands of teenage girls will come chasing after you (presumably with some bleach and a scrubbing brush) and now they're promoting themselves via the notion of sporting prowess - wearing Lynx will make you into a G.O.A.T.


I wish I was blissfully unaware of what that stands for, but sadly I'm not.


It probably goes without saying that I have a problem with Lynx. Due to "odour-linked memories", I don't get The Lynx Effect... I get The Proust Effect.


This name came about because the author Marcel Proust wrote in his book, Swann’s Way, that the smell of a pastry he dipped in his tea brought on a rush of joy associated with his childhood.


In short, nice smells evoke nice memories. 


However, due to our storytelling brain, the opposite is also true. I don't know if Marcel Proust ever smelt Lynx deodorant, but if he did, I hope it whisked him back to school changing rooms on a wet Wednesday afternoon, when all the footy lads were raring to go, and young Proust was feeling queasy, intimidated and ready for his weekly hour of humiliation. Because that's what happens to me. One whiff of Lynx and I end up right back here...



It's enough to make a grown man cry. And for a 51 year old man who's never quite managed the growing up thing... it's even worse.

 


Wednesday, 12 April 2023

TV On The Radio #4: Buck Rogers


Buck Rogers was created in 1929 as a comic strip hero who eventually translated into radio and movie serials. However, he is best remembered as the star of the late 70s TV show Buck Rogers In The 25th Century starring Gil Gerard and Erin Grey. In this show, Buck is a NASA pilot who's thrown 500 years into the future, arriving in a world where everyone wears sexy jump-suits and the robots are really annoying. And I mean, really annoying...


In the "You Learn Something New Everyday" Department: Twiki, the really annoying robot above, was actually voiced by Mel 'Bugs Bunny' Blanc.

Music in the 25th Century will also be particularly annoying...



...so Buck will probably listen to quite a few oldies on whatever kind of listening device 1979 creatives imagined we'd be using in 500 years time... I doubt they predicted Spotify.

Let's start with a band named after characters from a science fiction board game, with a song about making a sandwich...

Been out all night, I needed a bite
I thought I'd put a record on
I reached for the one with the ultra-modern label
And wondered where the light had gone

It had a futuristic cover, lifted straight from Buck Rogers
The record was so black it had to be a con
The auto changer switched as I filled my sandwich
And futuristic sounds warbled off and on


Next up, someone who's no stranger to name-dropping popular TV shows in his lyrics, the mighty Gil Scott Heron, with a song about Reagan's re-election campaign...

Ah yes, they're off and running again. The campaign trail
And doesn't he look like himself?
Back in the saddle again

Roy Rogers and Buck Rogers
Rutherford B. Hayes and Gabby Hayes
Marlon Perkins and Carl Perkins


And then we have the Bloodhound Gang...

It ain't your mind you're givin' me a piece of 
As it don't take Einstein to know that's just obscene but 
It's been Buck Rogers' time since I hit other than rock bottom 


After that, I'm ready for a Complete Meltdown... and lots of 80s references in this one!

Robotic vision, I'm Terminator 
I'm from the future, I've come to get yer 
I'm Knight Industries Two Thousand 
In my A-team van, aroused and 

I'm building boxes in the back of the shop 
I am Buck Rogers and 
I'm not gonna stop 
I'm weighing spuds, I'm 
Thinking nuclear fission 
I save the world with my robotic vision


Next up, George's favourite rappers...

You dress like Buck Rogers, you got a bell-end for a face

Lovely.


Then how about some Brazilian post-punk from the 80s?


Or a Dre who never became a Dr?


Or some "Soulless Californian Indie Rock" (their words, not mine)?


Or some Finnish surf-rock? (I imagine it's pretty cold, surfing in Finland.)


Or... erm... this?


I'm not sure The Hemingway Solution is a particularly memorable band name. And I like Hemingway! This, on the other hand...


And that's before we even get to the Namesakes...



This week's raison d'etre obviously comes from Feeder though, a Welsh indie band with just enough welly to keep them out of the landfill, and still be filling medium-sized venues almost 20 years after they formed. This is their biggest hit, and definitely their best song...


Wednesday, 5 April 2023

TV On The Radio #3: The X-Files

When The X-Files landed on TV in 1993, it was like they'd made a show just for me. Monsters, UFOs, conspiracy theories... and two leads with undeniable chemistry and a repressed "Will they / Won't they?" relationship. Yes, the show made a few mis-steps along the way, the big story arcs became more important than the (more entertaining) monster-of-the-week episodes, and the Noughties revival was a damp squib... but Mulder & Scully remain two of my favourite TV characters and I still own all the DVD boxsets even though I can watch it any time I want on Disney+.

The X-Files made a huge impact on popular culture, most memorably with The Barenaked Ladies...

Watching X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one


...and not forgetting these reprobates...

Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours, I'll show you mine, "Tool Time"
You'll Lovett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style
So we can both watch X-Files


This blog's been going 11 years now and I've yet to feature anything by The Insane Clown Posse. Time to remedy that...

My tongue's a little long, I choke people with it
Looks kinda nasty, but chicks dig it
And I told ya my neck can stretch for miles
I look like something from The X-Files


Now let's pretend I'm down with da kidz for a second...


Mark Snow's theme from The X-Files was a hit record in 1996, reaching #2 in the charts. 


The less said about the dance remix though, the better. Sadly, it also made the Top Ten a few weeks later...


Once you start searching for lyrical references to The X-Files, no one will ever find you again. So I gave up and started looking for Mulder and Scully... but even that proved an impossible task. Sifting through the hundreds of references in the hope of finding gold, I did discover that Golden Earring were still in the go in the 21st Century... which is as unbelievable as anything I ever saw in The X-Files.

You know the first time I saw the X-Files
I was stoned as usual
Here comes Scully walking in
Zappin' through the Cartwrights
Fox Mulder went and lost his gun
He keeps holding on to the flashlight
Shining bright on lost memories
Scully, I can't forget your sweet sixteen
I'm not an alien
I fear it's not a dream
I wish you'd recognize the voice
That sang your favourite song
At Kansas City Airport


When it came to picking today's winner, The Truth was definitely Out There. Of all the many, many songs that mention The X-Files, Cerys is definitely a case for Mulder and Scully (and I do love the way she sings "Scully").


Finally, stepping on the toes of Celebrity Jukebox ever so slightly, I couldn't leave today without mentioning this glorious tribute to X-Files star David Duchovny. As yet, nobody's written an equivalent song about Gillian Anderson... except in my head.



Wednesday, 31 October 2018

My Top Ten Movie Murderer Songs



Last week's post on Infamous (real life) Murderers was really only a warm up for this, my Halloween special for 2018. I spent far too many Friday and Saturday nights when I was growing up watching gruesome horror movies about some very unpleasant bad guys. And despite what Mary Whitehouse said, it never did me any harm...

...or did it? Mwuh-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Here's ten songs dedicated to the bloodthirsty "heroes" of my youth...

10. Jon English - The Shining


Be afraid. Be very afraid. I'm not sure what's scarier... Jack Nicholson in The Shining, or Jon English in this.
Looks like hell, like hell, Jack Torrance knows it well
Look at it bubblin' in the boiler at the Overlook Hotel

9. Bloodhound Gang - Take The Long Way Home


The greatest trick the devil ever played... was getting you to listen to a song by the Bloodhound Gang.

Did you ever read Voltaire's "Candide"?
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go, Keyser Soze

8. Alice Cooper - He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)


Credit to the producers of Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives... quite a coup getting Alice Cooper to put on the hockey mask.


7. The Ramones - Chainsaw


The Ramones were evidently fans of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and its gruesome killer Leatherface. Though he doesn't get mentioned by name here, he play a big part in the song. For an actual Leatherface namecheck, check out The Wonder Years - Suburbia.

The Ramones also had a song called Pinhead... long before this dude arrived on the scene.


6. Sammy Davis Jr. - Candyman


The movie came a long time after Sammy's song... but it's still pretty damned scary.

5. Landscape - My Name Is Norman Bates


They're weren't just about Einstein.

See also Blondie - Kidnapper... a very dark turn for Debbie.

Hey, you've got an unnerving face
And twitching eyes like Norman Bates

4. Manic Street Preachers - Patrick Bateman


Patrick Bateman wasn't all bad. He was a big fan of Huey Lewis & The News, for one thing.

By the way, if you've never seen it before, I seriously recommend watching Huey's response to that scene (along with Weird Al Yankovich). No, seriously. You owe it to yourself.

3. Sleeper - Nice Guy Eddie


One of many amoral psychos in the Reservoir Dogs community. Any excuse for a bit of Louise Wener.

2. Space & Catatonia - The Ballad of Tom Jones


No, I'm not suggesting that the Welsh Wonder is a serial killer on the side, but Cerys certainly accuses Tommy Scott of being a scary psycho...

You're worse than Hannibal Lecter,
Charlie Manson, Freddy Krueger

1. The Meteors - Michael Myers


Pure psychobilly from the early 80s, paying tribute to the daddy of all movie murderers... the one who famously wears a William Shatner mask... Michael Myers. Happy Halloween!



Now I'm just going down into the cellar. Don't worry, I'll be right back...

Thursday, 20 April 2017

My Top Ten Songs About Prince


It's been a year since he died and I still haven't quite come to terms with it. I accepted Bowie's death, I knew Leonard wasn't long for this world. George was a shock, but not entirely. Prince though...

Of all the artists we lost last year, Prince was the one I felt the hardest. For about a month after his death, I listened to little else but his back catalogue on repeat. He was one of the biggest superstars of my life. Many of the others had been recording long before I was born, but Prince started making music in my lifetime, created some of the most amazing records I ever heard... and then was taken far too soon. I wanted to honour that again, but since I've already compiled My Top Ten Prince Songs, here's the next best thing...


10. The Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch

This one again. Sorry about that.

It's just, they're (dreaming) of doing "the kind of stuff only Prince would sing about"...

9. Jesus Jones - Right Here Right Now

It did seem in the early 90s like the world might well be changing for the better. When Jesus Jones wrote this, they proclaimed Bob Dylan's dream was coming true...
I saw the decade in, when it seemed 
The world could change at the blink of an eye
And if anything

Then there's your Sign o' the Times
So... did the world wake up from history?

Did it heck as like.

8. Goldie Lookin' Chain - Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do

Witty Welsh rap. What's not to love?
Guns don't kill people rappers do,
From Bristol Zoo to B&Q,
I want to rap, I want to rhyme
Heard it in a song now I'm into gun crime,
Its a sign of the times like Prince changin his name,
Gotta have a shooter to be in the rap game,
Like Michael Ryan about to snap,
Guns don't kill people its just rap!
7. Missy Elliott - Work It

This is probably the first time I've featured Missy Elliott here, but I am a fan in small doses. I particularly like this one: always impressed by her ability to rap backwards. Wonder how she does that live?
You know Missy feel supa dupa
Prince couldn't get me change my name, papa
Kunta Kinte a slave again, no sir
Picture black sayin', "Oh, yessa, massa"
6. Beck - Debra

Beck's whole Midnite Vultures album was a huge departure from his earlier work and wears its Prince influence proudly. A lot of artists have been influenced by Prince musically, but this song also shows huge lyrical influence. It could be the b-side to Raspberry Beret. Speaking of which...

5. Clint Boon Experience - Not Enough Purple, Too Much Grey

I'll just slip this one in here and leave you to decide whether it's about Prince or not. It certainly sums up the post-Prince world to me.

4. Hot Chip - Down With Prince

I'm not always the biggest Hot Chip fan, but how can I resist when they channel the purple one?

3. Eminem - Without Me

Eminem, the self-proclaimed "worst thing since Elvis Presley", rarely has a positive word to say about any other artist (except, maybe, Dr. Dre). But while he cheerfully puts the boot into NSYNCH, Limp Bizkit and Moby in this track, he really can't bring himself to say anything bad about Prince, using him instead as a comparison for how long Marshall Mathers spent writing songs before he got his break.

2. Smog - Prince, Alone In The Studio

Bill Callahan's epic captures better than anything what made Prince a superstar. He was a perfectionist. He lived for his music, more than just about any other artist we've had in popular music. Not all of that music was perfect, but it was his life. More than food, more than sex, more than anything else... music was what mattered to him.

1. Prince - My Name Is Prince

And he is funky.

Of course, the irony of this song was: very soon after, he stopped calling himself Prince and changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol just to piss Warner Brothers off. We all had to call him TAFKAP for the next eight years. But he was always Prince in our hearts.



Goodnight sweet Prince. I Wish You Heaven.

Friday, 24 February 2017

My Top Ten Science Songs Volume 3: Biology


Here's the last of my three science lessons... for the time being. I may get the test tubes out again at a later date. If I still have any readers after this one...


10. Brook Benton - I Don't Know Enough About You

Brook knows a little bit about biology...

9. Girls Aloud - Biology

Since both JC and Jez have come out as Girls Aloud fans, I think I can probably get away with this.

Yeah, musos: deal with it!

8. John Cougar - American Dream

Taken from his 1976 debut album, which was before he started using his real name after the Cougar (and long before he dropped the Cougar altogether). I like the way he sings bi-ol-ogeee on this one.

7. Vic Chestnutt - Arthur Murray

Contains the line: "emasculate me with your biology"... but that's not the only reason you should listen to it. The rest of the lyrics are pretty brilliant too.

6. OPM - Heaven Is A Halfpipe

It stands for Other People's Minds, apparently. I loved this back in the year of 2000AD. Which is odd, because I never set foot on a skateboard. (Oh, she skips biology to do that. In case you were wondering.)

5. Joe Jackson - Biology

So when Joe gets caught out for cheating on his girlfriend "with some whore out in Germany", he blames it all on biology. He goes on to give her a very detailed lesson in Biology...

Her reply is classic:
She said, "thanks
I'm so relieved
What you're saying I can well believe
Now I know, I feel no shame
About Dave and Tony and Phil and James,"
I said,
"Baby baby this can't be true!"
She said, "well what's right for you
Has to be
Right for me
In any case I'm sure you'll see
It's nothing to do with our hearts
It's nothing to do with our heads
It's nothing to do with our homes
It's nothing to do with our beds
It's just be-I-O-L-O-G-why..."
4. The Smiths - I Want The One I Can't Have
On the day that your mentality
Decides to try to catch up with your biology...
...pop round and see Morrissey, because he wants the one he can't have... and it's driving him MAD!

3. Sam Cooke - Wonderful World

History, Biology, French... Sam doesn't know much about any of them, and he certainly doesn't claim to be an A student. (Don't even start me on that, Sam, as someone teaching the new GCSE this year... there are no more As: just grades 1-9, which nobody - and I mean NOBODY - understands. Thank you, Michael Gove.)

Still, Sam does know how to make it a Wonderful World. Just play this tune... 

2. Billy Bragg - The Warmest Room

Yes, Billy Bragg, at Number 2, again. Last week he shared his qualifications, this week he regrets never taking Biology. I didn't take Biology either, Billy. I hated the teacher. (Or she hated me.) I dropped it after the Third Year...
I wish I'd done Biology
For an urge within me wanted to do it then...
Also contains the following gem from brother Barry...
My wife has three great attributes:
Intelligence
A Swiss Army Knife
And charm...
1. The Bloodhound - The Bad Touch

The first track I thought of when I started planning this Top Ten. Makes Girls Aloud sound like Shostakovich.

At heart, approximately 75% of pop songs convey this same message... usually with a little more finesse.




I have nothing else to add.

Friday, 1 July 2016

My Top Ten Songs About 1972


So I had an idea for a series of sporadic posts about specific years. Not songs that were released in that year but songs that directly referred to it. Should keep me busy until at least... oh, say, 2525?

Anyway, I thought I'd start with the year that Eminem, Ben Affleck, Cameron Diaz, Karl Urban, The Rock, Biggie Smalls, Jennifer Garner, Brad Paisley, Idris Elba, Liam Gallagher, Gwyneth Paltrow and Billie Joe Armstrong were born. Oh, and yours truly. A lot of the time these days, I feel very old. But if I'm only as old as those guys... actually, I don't feel too bad about it.

1972 was the year of Watergate, terrorism at the Munich Olympics, and Atari's first video game: Pong. Just in case you're older than me and you remember such things first hand.

Oh, and it was also the year the UK signed The European Communities Act, which allowed us to join the EU the following year... whatever happened to that?



10. Bloodhound Gang - The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope

Oh, and James Moyer Franks... or Jimmy Pop, if you prefer... was also born in 1972. Although he's made a career out of acting like he was always born exactly 14 years ago, no matter what it says on his birth certificate or the calendar. As evidence, I submit the fact that this is from an album called Hooray For Boobies. As always, I make no apologies for liking The Bloodhound Gang. They keep me in touch with my inner juvenile delinquent.
One thousand nine hundred and seventy-two:
That's the year I got here, when my dear mother's water blew.
Not really realizin' the prize that's been begot to her
The bona fide lo-fi high-octane philosopher.
Genius with a penis, the few, the proud, the me
I liked me so much I had to buy the company...

Conclusions you drew, proportions you blew:
Lost son of Iggy? False bigger nose than Ziggy? True!
Yes my name is Jimmy Pop; no, my pop's name is Dick.
Don't admit to kick it slick you thick, derelict critic
Put down for missed notes, put up with misquotes.
Don't want the whole story? Should have bought the Cliff Notes!
9. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - The Same Old You

But Jimmy Pop isn't the only one to associate 1972 with Ziggy...

Hey, I remember you back in '72
With your David Bowie hair and your platform shoes
You had a part-time job, selling fast food
But out on the street you were nobody's fool!
8. Ben Folds Five - Michael Praytor, Five Years Later

From Ben Folds' 2012 reunion with the other two members of his Five, here we find him remembering an old school friend who he first met in '72 (Ben would have been 6). When he meets him again 24 years later, both their circumstances have changed drastically. It's a meditation on the strange way we connect to people, then lose touch, and sometimes reconnect with very different people years later... told with Folds' typically witty lyrical detail.

7. Belle & Sebastian - Me & The Major 

A timely illustration of the class and generational divide that should, perhaps, be required listening for anyone blaming the baby boomers for recent ridiculous political decisions in the UK. One of many stand out tracks from the album If You're Feeling Sinister, it begins with Stuart Murdoch reflecting on everything that stops him being close friends with this man of much higher standing... although he soon ends up feeling sorry for him.
Now he is swapping his tent for a sheltered home
He doesn't have a family, and he is living alone
He remembers all the punks and the hippies too
And he remembers Roxy Music in '72
He doesn't understand and he doesn't try
He knows there's something missing and he knows it's you and I
We're the younger generation, we grew up fast
All the others did drugs
They're taking it out on us
6. Jake Owen - 1972

This week's token contemporary country track (ah, I remember the days when all I wrote about was indie!), although Jake Owen wasn't born till '81 so it appears he's reminiscing about his father's childhood in this song. I do like a good lyrical pun though, and this one starts out with a doozy...
1972
Daddy drove in over, it was sky blue
He worked at a record store after school
Called it Sympathy for the Vinyl
And that's before we even get to the serious rhyming overdose that is...
We’ll be chillin' like a villain on some Dylan while we’re killin' some booze
We’re gonna kick it like the kids did in 1972
Call me a philistine, but I love that stuff.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Brothers Under The Bridge

Like Born In The USA, this is another Bruce song about coming home from Vietnam and finding not a lot waiting for you.
I come home in '72
You were just a beautiful light
In your mama's dark eyes of blue
I stood down on the tarmac, I was just a kid
Me and the brothers under the bridge

Come Veterans' Day I sat in the stands in my dress blues
I held your mother's hand
When they passed with the red, white and blue
One minute you're right there... and something slips...
Not to be confused with the '83 song Brothers Under The Bridges, a much more defiant and uptempo rocker... which doesn't appear to be set in 1972.

4. Okkervil River - John Allyn Smith Sails

American poet John Berryman (whose real name features in the above title) committed suicide in 1972. Okkervil River's Will Sheff is obviously a Berryman fan - even though he wasn't born until 4 years later. The song takes a confessional and confrontational first person approach similar to Berryman's poetry...
From a bridge on Washington Avenue
The year of 1972
Broke my bones and skull
And it was memorable

It was half a second and I was halfway down
Do you think I wanted to turn back around
And teach a class
Where you kiss the ass that I've exposed to you?
...before segueing seamlessly into Sloop John B. (a traditional folk song from the Bahamas long before Brian Wilson got his hands on it), adding a completely new meaning to "this is the worst trip I've ever been on..." (although, to be fair, Brian probably knows a thing or two about bad trips too).

3. Dexys Midnight Runners - Until I Believe In My Soul

The longest song on Too-Rye-Aye is the one that points the way forward for Kevin Rowland, away from the sheer pop bombast of Come On Eileen and Jackie Wilson Says to a much more introspective and experimental stream-of-consciousness lyricism. It's also one of the first songs in which he appears to be arguing with himself and reaching no real conclusion, both of which would become recurrent motifs in his work (and still are today).
And I'm on the train from New Street
To Euston. I'm going out to Harrow again
And I'm trying to get the feeling
That I had in 1972.
Oh but you're going too fast for me here,
I'm saying, wait a minute there, wait a minute there
Hold it, stop! Let me get this clear...
(That's all there ever is) oh yeah yeah yeah?
(That's all there ever was) yes, yes. Ha ha ha.
(The same for everyone) Oh yes. Yes. Yes.
2. Morrissey - Late Night, Maudlin Street

If ever there was a word crying out to be shoehorned into a Morrissey song, Maudlin was it. Apparently influenced by Joni Mitchell on this one, Moz remembers his first year as a teenager in miserably hilarious fashion. 7 and a half minutes of maudlin glory from his debut solo album, Viva Hate, recorded 29 years ago.
Don't leave your torch behind
A powercut ahead; 1972, you know
And so we crept through the park
No, I cannot steal a pair of jeans off a clothesline
For you
But you ... without clothes
Oh, I could not keep a straight face
Me - without clothes ?
Well, a nation turns its back and gags...
1. Josh Rouse - 1972

Josh Rouse was born in 1972 too. Back in 2002, to celebrate his 30th birthday, he wrote this song in tribute to the year of his birth. The album it came from was filled with lush 70s AM radio style pop. Harry Nilsson - the man who was at Number One in the UK Singles Chart on the day I entered this world - would surely approve.
She was feeling 1972
Grooving to a Carole King tune
Is it too late, baby?
Is it too late?



Was 1972 a good one for you? Or do you just remember it through song...?


Monday, 8 September 2014

My Top Ten 'The Ballad of...' Songs


I was astounded by how many songs in my record collection are Ballads of... somebody or other. I reckon I could have stretched this to a Top 50 if I'd had the time. These were the best ballads of the bunch...



10. Georgie Fame - The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde

One day, I might get around to compiling a Top Ten Bonnie & Clyde Songs... amazingly, this 1967 Georgie Fame Number One might not make it to the top of that list.

9. Frank Turner - The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Friendship is a recurring theme in Frank Turner's work and he writes about it in a very open, honest and emotional way. It seems most of Frank's friends are tortured artists...
Everybody's got themselves a plan,
Everybody thinks they'll be the man, including the girls.
The musicians who lack the friends to form a band are singer-songwriters,
The rest of us are DJs or official club photographers.
And tonight I'm playing another Nambucca show,
So I'm going through my phonebook, texting everyone I know,
And I quite a few I don't, whose numbers found their way into my phone,
But they might come along anyway, you never really know.
However, while most of them might never reach their intended destination... they're definitely enjoying the journey.
We're going nowhere slowly, but we're seeing all the sights.
And we're definitely going to hell,
But we'll have all the best stories to tell.
8. The Mystery Jets - The Ballad of Emmerson Lonestar

From my favourite album of 2012... we must be about ready for a new Mystery Jets record now. Come on, lads, don't keep us waiting much longer.

7. Dr. Hook  - The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan

Or ...Lucy Jordon, as the record was originally released. This week's song about growing old... as I've said previously, I listen to a lot of those these days.
At the age of thirty-seven she realised she'd never
Ride through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing and she sat there softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she'd memorised in her daddy's easy chair.
There's a splendid cover version by Marianne Faithfull, but I still prefer Dennis Locorriere's vocals on the original.

6. Bloodhound Gang - The Ballad of Chasey Lain

I'll let you google Chasey Lain if you're unfamiliar with her ouvre... but perhaps don't do that at work. 

Juvenile in the extreme, as all the best Bloodhound Gang records are. If you're easily offended or don't have the mind of a puerile 14 year old boy, skip along to the next song.

5. The Beatles - The Ballad of John and Yoko

One of the first John Lennon solo records, in all but name. George and Ringo were both absent from the session and although Macca filled in for them on bass, drums and piano, and shared the songwriting credit with John as always, he had little else to do with the song's creation.

Denied as much airplay as other Beatles records due to its references to Jesus and crucifixion (Lennon further developing his earlier "more popular than Jesus" comparison) it still made the top spot on the UK charts, although it did prove to be their final Number One, and marked the beginning of the end for the group.

4. XTC - The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead

Andy Partridge's infamous JFK/Malcolm X/Jesus allegory about a man just too damned virtuous to survive in high office.

But he made too many enemies
Of the people who would keep us on our knees


3. Jim's Big Ego - The Ballad Of Barry Allen

One for the geek vote, this obscure American indie song is a tribute to the DC Comics hero The Flash (soon to star in his own TV show... I hope it's better than Arrow). Gets to the targic heart of the character in a way the comics long since stopped bothering.

2. Space & Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones

It's a credit to 1998 that a creepy, John Barry-esque tribute to the Welsh crooner, a bizarre anti-love song duet with a chorus like this...

You stopped us from killing each other
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
You'll never know but you saved our lives

Tom Jones, Tom Jones
I've never thrown my knickers at you
And I don't come from Wales


...could make number 4 in the charts. It's been years since I listened to this - blimey, I'd forgotten how good it was.

1. Todd Snider - The Ballad Of The Kingsmen

Todd Snider tells the true story of The Kingsmen, the 60s garage band responsible for the huge one hit wonder 'Louie Louie', a record that ended up being investigated by the FBI for its supposedly obscene (but really just plain unintelligible) lyrics. From there he goes on to wonder whether Marilyn Manson records were really responsible for the Columbine massacre... and why we keep blaming our failings as a society on dumb (yet ultimately harmless) pop songs. Brilliant stuff.





Those were my best ballads... but which one makes you go Aye-yi-yi-yi?

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

My Top Ten MF Songs (Warning - Contains Language That Some Readers May Find Offensive)


I don't approve of bad language... unless it's used creatively... in which case, I'm all for it.



10. Kid Rock - You Never Met A Mother Fucker Quite Like Me

Kid Rock wipes his bottom with Radiohead toilet paper. (See the edited-for-language, sorry, video.) For that reason alone, he squeezes into the Top Ten.

9. Girls - Big Bad Mean Mother Fucker

 Sounds like it comes from an X-rated version of the Grease soundtrack.

But come on, don't call your band "Girls" is you want to have any hope of anybody ever finding you on the internet.

8. Julian Cope -  All the Blowing-Themselves-Up Motherfuckers (Will Realise The Minute They Die That They Were Suckers)

And this is why Julian Cope was canonised.

Great harmonica too.

7. Twisted Sister - S.M.F.

Thanks again to Rob for this one. Actually, SMF doesn't stand for what you think it does. Well, the M does (with an -ing on the end). The S and F stand for Sick and Friends, disrespectfully.

6. Prince - Sexy MF

Amazed to find this on youtube... not because of the naughty word, but because Prince hates youtube. The full length video does take about three weeks to get going though.

5. Eels - It's A Motherfucker

A touching ballad about loneliness and regret.

Really.

4. Frank Turner - Heartless Bastard Mother Fucker

Dripping bile from every note. 

If you're easily amused by foul language (as I am), you'll want to play this right to the end.

3. John Grant - GMF

From his new album, Pale Green Ghosts, already a contender for the best record I've heard this year. Besides this, one of the other tracks is called Ernest Borgnine... WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?
Half of the time I think I'm in some movie,
I play the underdog, of course.

I wonder who they'll get to play me?
Maybe they could dig up Richard Burton's corpse.
Buy this record and... you could be laughing 65% more of the time.

2. The Bloodhound Gang - Fire Water Burn

Sadly, the video version replaces all the naughty words with donkey sfx. Thankfully, someone's uploaded a version that doesn't...
Yeah I'm hung like planet Pluto, hard to see with the naked eye
But if I crashed into Uranus I would stick it where the sun don't shine
Cause I'm kind of like Han Solo, always stroking my own wookie
I'm the root of all that's evil, yeah, but you can call me cookie
The very definition of "juvenile". Glorious.

1. Martha Wainwright - Bloody Mother Fucking Arsehole

Martha's heartbreaking tribute to her dad, Loudon Wainwright III is the best thing she ever recorded... Loudon should be proud.
I will not pretend, I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everythin' in truth
To do everythin' in truth




You may (not) be surprised to learn I could easily have filled another ten... although some of them would have been so loud, they'd have made Twisted Sister sound like Sister Sledge.

Still, which is your Mighty Favourite?

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