Celebrity Jukebox #54 (Redux): Terence Stamp

When I began the Celebrity Jukebox, it wasn't just for celebs who had passed away. Living legends were also featured. Nowadays though, it's just a place to celebrate those who have left us. Sadly, this means I now have to revisit this edition from 2022. Rest in peace, General...

“Kneel before Zod!”

For most of my generation, our first encounter with Terence Stamp was as the evil General Zod in Superman II. The Grauniad called him “the master of the brooding silence”, and he certainly sent shivers down my spine. Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor was a pussycat in comparison.

I was surprised General Zod didn’t get referenced all over the place, but only Eminem (who’s the same age as me) was prepared to kneel before him.

Eminem – Rap God

Terence Stamp had been around for a couple of decades by the time he played that memorable supervillain, making his screen debut in the movie Billy Budd, an Oscar-nominated performance that obviously made some impact on a young Steven Patrick Morrissey…

Morrissey – Billy Budd

Morrissey also used an image of Stamp in The Collector as the cover of the third Smiths single, What Difference Does It Make? 

Stamp originally refused permission for the picture to be used, but relented in the end… possibly after he’d seen Morrissey’s alternative.

Pete Townshend from The Who has a younger brother called Simon who has occasionally play with big bro’s band, as well as ploughing his own lonely solo furrow. Here he is with a track called Highness, which begins thus…

I am what I am
I just happen to be related to the king

…before named dropping Bowie, Eddie Vedder and Rod Stewart, as well as… yes, you guessed it, Terence Stamp.

Simon Townshend – Highness

48 Cameras are described on their bandcamp page as “Collectif international à géométrie variable”, which means they come from all over the place, but mostly Belgium. This is from their 2006 release After All, Isn’t Tango The Dance of the Drunk Man? It sounds like an orchestra tuning up to me, but what do I know? It's probably art.

48 Cameras – Terence Stamp For A Time

The biggest Terence Stamp fan I could find in the pop world was Adam Ant. He namedrops Terry twice, mostly recently here…

Adam Ant – Punkyoungirl

Punky young girl needs a Terence Stamp
Perfect at swinging sixties vamp

And on this memorable b-side in which Stuart Goddard claims to be friends with everybody from Mister Pastry to Jim Morrison to Arthur Askey, and…

I’m a friend of Stevie Wonder
I’m a friend of Eric Fromm
I’m a friend of Bryan Ferry
I’m a friend of Terence Stamp

Adam & The Ants - Friends

Almost at the end now, and a reminder from Philadelphia’s Bill Ricchini…

Bill Ricchini – Julie Christie

You look just like Julie Christie
And I feel just like Terry Stamp

A reminder that Terry and Julie went together. They met at Waterloo Station, every Friday night...

Celebrity Jukebox #141: Ozzy Osborne

I'm not going to pretend to have been a huge Ozzy fan, but I could easily have been. It's the road not travelled...

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

After all these years of myth-making, the TV show, the family, the self-mockery and the colossal caricature (not to mention biting the head off that bat), I readily accept that there are two types of people who know much more about Ozzy than I ever will: the dedicated heavy rock fans (I dabble, but I'm not a connoisseur) and those who know very little about music at all... but just enjoyed the Show. (And by that, I don't just mean The Osbornes.)

Ozzy Osborne - Perry Mason

I'll let you in on a little secret through... whenever I come across an old Ozzy track I've not heard before, like the one above, I dig it. Because I've always had a soft spot for metal that isn't too metal. Really, it's just pop music with louder guitars.

Ozzy Osborne - Let Me Hear You Scream

If nothing else, Ozzy was a Show. And beyond that, he was the very best kind of rock star: one who never took himself too seriously... or at all seriously. That's the way he came across to me, anyway.

 

As is customary in this feature, I went looking for songs that might mention the dearly departed. And only then did I realise just how far Ozzy's influence stretches... and how much bigger he was in the States than in his home country. As you'd expect, some of these songs are quite loud...

Alien Crime Syndicate - Ozzy

We saw Ozzy on our first date

Our special song is Crazy Train

Making out in the middle of the pit

How come Slayer doesn't sing about this

If anything comes between you and me

Then heavy metal heaven, that's where we'll meet

Nerf Herder - Pantera Fans In Love

I know metal is dead

But I want to bang my head

And throw my fists up into the air

I know Ozzy Osbourne's old but I don't care

Diesel Boy - Cock Rock

But they're not all rock songs.

I'm a cross between Manson, Esham and Ozzy

I don't know why the fuck I'm here in the first place

Eminem - Still Don't Give A Fuck

Quite a lot of rappers mention Ozzy in favourable terms... perhaps for obvious reasons. But you might not expect him to pop up in a country tune...

Ever since I met you, girl, you been on my brain

I can't think of nothin' else but you all night and day

It's like I got a first-class seat up on Ozzy's train

And it's drivin' me insane

Dierks Bentley - 5-1-5-0

Maybe it's more to be expected in the place where country meets rock...

So I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw Ozzy Osbourne

With Randy Rhoads in '82 Right before that plane crash

The Drive-By Truckers - Let There Be Rock

Punk rockers obviously tipped their hats to Ozzy...

Tipper, what's that sticker sticking on my CD?

Is that some kind of warning to protect me?

Freedom of choice needs a stronger, stronger voice

You can stamp out the source, but you can't stop creative thought

Ah, Tipper, come on

Ain't you been getting it on?

Ask Ozzy, Zappa or me

We'll show you what it's like to be free

The Ramones - Censorshit

"We came home and found our son

Lying dead on his bed of a gunshot wound

He had his headphones on

And there was an Ozzy record on the turntable

So, we called our lawyer"

The Dead Kennedys - Triumph Of The Swill

And while I'm pretty sure this reggae hit from the 70s wasn't about The Prince of Darkness... it would be nice to imagine he might have been an influence.

Rasta Ozzy from up de hill

Decide fi check 'pon 'im grocery bill

An' when him add up de t'ings him need

De dunny done wha' him save fi buy likkle weed

Pluto Shervington - Dat

Even ultra-cool Canadians love Ozzy...

Pop pop, fizz fizz

Ohhhhh what a sweet leaf it is

Like Ozzy Osbourne I was born to perform

Aww, zeah?

Chilly Gonzales - So-Called Party Over There

Now before we get to today's winner... here's Beck's tribute...

Beck - Ozzy

When it came to choosing my favourite Ozzy tribute song though, there was no contest. Especially as the lead singer of this band once left a comment on my blog. Here's B4S with a song about the passing of time, and all its sickening crimes...

She hates time, make it stop

When did Mötley Crüe become classic rock? 

And when did Ozzy become an actor?

Please make this stop, stop, stop...

Snapshots Superman Songs Spillover (#3)

Before we start today, Charity Chic asks, "Will one [of your Superman songs] be Chris Mills' cover of The Flaming Lips?"

It wasn't going to be, CC... until I heard it...

Chris Mills - Waiting For Superman

Lovely.

Superman used to represent "Truth, Justice, and the American Way"... but many are questioning whether that's still relevant, and the press have put that point to the new movie's director, James Gunn, a man who has clashed with Donald Trump in the past.  

“I mean, Superman is the story of America,” Gunn says. “An immigrant that came from other places and populated the country, but for me it is mostly a story that says basic human kindness is a value and is something we have lost.”

Which made me think of this...

Gil Scott Heron & Brian Jackson - Ain't No Such Thing As Superman

Superman has also been called a "strange visitor from another planet", that planet being, of course, Krypton. I couldn't find any songs named after Kal El's home planet, but there were quite a few that mention its most famous (and deadly) mineral...

Squish - Kryptonite

Eminem seems particularly obsessed with Kryptonite, dropping it into a bunch of his lyrics.

Eminem - Rain Man

When Superman arrives on Earth as a baby, he crashlands in a small Kansas town...

Bazooka Joe - Smallville

And it's not until many years later that he arrives in the big City...

The Church - Metropolis

Sufjan Stevens - The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts

Going by James Gunn's logic though, it doesn't matter where Superman comes from, or where he lives now...

Suzi Quatro - Official Suburban Superman

It could be anywhere!

The Chats - Southport Superman

No: where he's from doesn't matter. At his best, Superman is an example to us all. To be better people. I'm not even a big Superman fan - I much prefer Spidey or Bats. But when he's done right, I still appreciate the moral to his story. 

Yellow Magic Orchestra - Be A Superman

Bon Jovi - Superman Tonight

Stumpy - Make Me A Superman

Snapshots #329: A Top Ten Musical Death Threats

If you feel you've been affected by any song that has threatened your life or the life of someone you know, please call our helpine.

10. Tom calls Ricky about a mix up.

"Tom calls Ricky" is an anagram.

Kirsty MacColl - Can't Stop Killing You

9. What Hulk does.

Hulk Smash!

SMASH - (I Want To) Kill Somebody

8. Lightly slap the long eared bunny. 

Pat the hare.

Pat Hare - I'm Gonna Murder My Baby

Sadly, in December 1963, Pat Hare made this song a reality when he shot his girlfriend and a policeman who came to question him. He spent the last 16 years of his life in prison, where he formed the band Sounds Incarcerated.

7. Suicidal ideations.

They wanna die. But they want you to die first.

The Wannadies - Kill You

6. Inventive mother.

He was a Mother of Invention.

Frank Zappa - My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama

5. Getting bored with the hot weather?

Another Sunny Day - You Should All Be Murdered

4. Part of Marvin's hearing aid and a bit of a dick.

Marvin Heard It Through The Grapevine. Moby was a dick.

Moby Grape - Murder In My Heart For The Judge

3. That Peter Gabriel album is a Knock Out.

The Peter Gabriel album was So. It was KO.

Soko - I'll Kill Her

2. Find mayhem in Emmental cheese sandwich. 

...mayhem in Emmental cheese sandwich. 

Eminem - Kill You

1. Not suitable for vegetarians.

Meat Loaf - I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back

If you survived this one, I'll see you back here next Saturday...

TV On The Radio #22: Mr Bates Vs The Post Office

I was largely unaware of the story of Alan Bates and his fight to clear the names and reputations of hundreds of Post Office employees. The recent TV dramatisation starring Toby Jones came as quite the eye-opener... and I'm still reeling. It's the sort of story that proves reality can be far scarier than fiction. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't believe it. Surely there must have been...? Why didn't...? What sort of people...?  How could they...? 

Words fail me. 

Here are some songs that feature the Post Office. The warm and welcoming local high street institution that we all grew up with... not the evil, autonomous Mega-Corporation that took it over.

Robert Arthur "Tut" Taylor Sr. was a champion and preserver of old time bluegrass music who once sold a Hank Williams guitar to Neil Young. Here he reminds us of a Post Office to be proud of...

Buccaneer is from Jamaica, but his real name is Andrew Bradford. He was stuck in the Post Office back in 1994.

Buccaneer - Post Office

But here's a young man who still has a nice word about the Post Office, from just last year...

Mark Diamond - Post Office

Eminem's obsessive stalker, Stan, was aware of problems at the Post Office back in 2000 - but who'd listen to that nutter?

I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em

There probably was a problem at the Post Office or somethin'

Eminem - Stan

Bob Dylan also suspected something was afoot...

And I would send a message

To find out if she's talked

But the Post Office has been stolen

And the mailbox is locked

Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again

Of course, it's not the first time the Post Office has been accused of being involved in dubious practices. Look how they helped Waldo Jeffers!

By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set

He was thoroughly packed and the Post Office 

Had agreed to pick him up at three o'clock

Velvet Underground - The Gift

Meanwhile, Donald Glover puts his finger on the real problem - it's the Horizon software!

But no love for the son of a commuter who was a radio head

And okay at them computers at the post office

Childish Gambino - Hold You Down

Whereas Joel Plaskett is just so wrapped up in his own life, he's oblivious to this extraordinary scandal...

I was at the Post Office buying a stamp

Thinking that the girl behind the counter was "fine"

I said, "You think this'll get there by Friday, ma'am?"

She says, "I get off work at quarter past nine"

To be fair to Joel, he does at least appear aware of the IT issues...

Baby, if you wanna be

Out of the ordinary

You don't need technology!

The Joel Plaskett Emergency - Extraordinary

How many people lost their jobs as a result of this travesty? Hundreds? Thousands? Here's one right now...

I used to work at the Post Office...

Frank Zappa - You Are What You Is

And what about former Post Office boss (and former CBE) Paula Vennels? Any thoughts on her?

She worked in my Post Office

In my zip code, in my postal area

I don't think I should reveal her name...

Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

With all these accusations of wrong-doing to be found in popular song, how do the Post Office respond? With flat-out denials... Nothing Ever Happens!

Post office clerks put up signs saying 'position closed'

Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

And with so many documents pertaining to this enquiry conveniently lost, who knows what else they lost?

...the mailbox that contained the letter 

That was lost by the Post Office for 40 years

Happenin' to have been written by Albert Einstein

Pere Ubu - Postman Drove a Caddy

Lots of people believe the Post Office used to be the heart of the community...

A Catholic church, a Baptist church

Come Monday morning everyone got back to work

Post office and a bank where they knew my name

Smile and a thanks with my receipt and change

Norman Rockwell couldn't paint it any better

I thought this place would stay the same forever

Laura Cantrell - I'm Gonna Miss This Town

But in recent years, so many have been forced to close down...

Last year, they closed down the post office

Took the only flag we had in town

That old brick building still stands like a cenotaph

To a vision lost and buried in a very distant past

Cowboy Junkies - The Last Spike

I'll tell you, all this has proved most upsetting to one of our greatest punk icons...

I'm searching for your beat

Black sister, stony beat

Post office freaks her out

Shock to me, come on out

Thurston Moore - Patti Smith Math Scratch

As soon as I started thinking about songs featuring the Post Office, two sprang immediately to mind. The first is just a mondegreen though. Still, if Michael really was singing...

Keep on to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough

...then there wouldn't be a better song to support Alan Bates's 20+ year fight.

Michael Jackson - Don’t Stop 'Til You Get Enough

At the front of my queue though, it was always going to be this little number from The Courteeners...

What took you so long?

Was there a queue at the post office?

Yep. A queue of rightfully aggrieved postmasters still waiting for their compensation...

Celebrity Jukebox #96: Jerry Springer

I should have featured the former Mayor of Cincinnati on the Celebrity Jukebox following his untimely demise back in April... but it seemed like too big a task. The name Jerry Springer has become synonymous with a certain kind of lowest common denominator trash TV, so it's an easy shorthand for songwriters to drop in if they want to diss the worst elements of society, the ones happy to air their soiled undergarments and then have a big ruck in front of millions, thereby fulfilling Andy Warhol's 15 minutes prophecy. But I think there was more to Jerry than all that - he started out as an adviser to Robert F. Kennedy, before becoming a lawyer and then a major public figure... he even considered running for President. And let's face it, he couldn't have done a worse job than the Orange Manchild. As for his notorious TV show, Jerry clearly had a sense of humour about the whole thing (unlike his loathsome UK counterpart, Jeremy Kyle), happy to join in when others were poking fun at it (and him), most notably in Richard Thomas & Stewart Lee's hilarious Jerry Springer: The Opera.

Here are some tunes which do the same thing...

Weird Al Yankovic - Jerry Springer

Let's face it, if you've reached the point where Weird Al does a song about you, immortality is guaranteed. Likewise another great Jerry...

Jerry Reed - The Jerry Springer Show

Even Polish rappers love him!

Guzior - Jerry Springer

Speaking of rappers, here's a guy who could easily have been a recurring guest on Jerry's show...

I strangle you to death then I choke you again
And break your fucking legs till your bones poke through your skin
You beef with me, I'mma even the score equally
Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally

Eminem - Role Model

"Partner is the "mature" effort of two best friends named Josée Caron and Lucy Niles. Together, with Rock as their trusty guide, they explore a variety of themes in an attempt to understand the meaning of life." Which must be one of the worst artist biogs I've ever read. Shame really, because they make a spendid racket, and tell cool stories too...

When I was a kid
I used to fake sick
Luckily, my mom and dad were
Pretty easy to trick

I was biding my time
Until the house was all mine
To do the one thing I really wanted to

Which was watching daytime TV
While there's no one home to watch me
I'm hanging out with Maury
He's doing a paternity test
Are you the father? Well, it's anybody's guess
And give me Jerry Springer
Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, and a TV dinner
I guess the best things in life come free
Like watching daytime TV

Partner - Daytime TV

Bret Michaels was the lead singer of Poison. Despite that, this made me chuckle...

One day Jack came over to apologize
He told me, my ex which is his new girlfriend was out every night
Jack said I think she's been cheating with my new friend Jim
Say you love her too bad cause now she loves him
Pulled a Jerry Springer on me now your outta luck
My new girlfriend thinks you all suck

Bret Michaels - Bittersweet

And here's someone who always makes me chuckle...

When you find out things about yourself
That you hadn't ought to know
When your grandma calls and books you
On the Jerry Springer show
And you find out you and your wife of ten years
Just might be related
Brother, life's not over it's just
Simply complicated

Jimmy Buffet - Simply Complicated

Did you know that Nik Kershaw is still in the go? Oh yes he is...

And very soon, before you know
You'll be "Jilted Romeo"
On some day time T.V. show
Like Jerry Springer's

Nik Kershaw - All Is Fair

There were many, many, many more lyrical mentions of Jerry Springer... but I'm trying to be a little more selective and only link to the ones I like, or I figure one of you guys might dig. Like this little beauty...

Eliza Carthy - Blood On My Boots

Today's winning tune comes from a band I was very into around the turn of the Millennium. Hard to believe it's nearly 25 years since this was released. It's a song in which the lead singer professes his love for the actress Claire Danes, named after the TV show that made her famous (though it also mentions her star-making turn opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet).

I went on Jerry Springer
To confess my love to you
You said I didn't have a chance
And there was nothing I could do
You told me I was crazy
And wished that I was dead.
You threw a chair right upside my head

Celebrity Jukebox #54: Terence Stamp

“Kneel before Zod!”

For most of my generation, our first encounter with Terence Stamp was as the evil General Zod in Superman II. The Grauniad called him “the master of the brooding silence”, and he certainly sent shivers down my spine. Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor was a pussycat in comparison.

I was surprised General Zod didn’t get referenced all over the place, but only Eminem (who’s the same age as me) was prepared to kneel before him.

Eminem – Rap God

Terence Stamp had been around for a couple of decades by the time he played that memorable supervillain, making his screen debut in the movie Billy Budd, an Oscar-nominated performance that obviously made some impact on a young Steven Patrick Morrissey…

Morrissey – Billy Budd

Morrissey also used an image of Stamp in The Collector as the cover of the third Smiths single, What Difference Does It Make? 

Stamp originally refused permission for the picture to be used, but relented in the end… possibly after he’d seen Morrissey’s alternative.

Pete Townshend from The Who has a younger brother called Simon who has occasionally play with big bro’s band, as well as ploughing his own lonely solo furrow. Here he is with a track called Highness, which begins thus…

I am what I am
I just happen to be related to the king

…before named dropping Bowie, Eddie Vedder and Rod Stewart, as well as… yes, you guessed it, Terence Stamp.

Simon Townshend – Highness

48 Cameras are described on their bandcamp page as “Collectif international à géométrie variable”, which means they come from all over the place, but mostly Belgium. This is from their 2006 release After All, Isn’t Tango The Dance of the Drunk Man? It sounds like an orchestra tuning up to me, but what do I know? It's probably art.

48 Cameras – Terence Stamp For A Time

The biggest Terence Stamp fan I could find in the pop world was Adam Ant. He namedrops Terry twice, mostly recently here…

Adam Ant – Punkyoungirl

Punky young girl needs a Terence Stamp
Perfect at swinging sixties vamp

And on this memorable b-side in which Stuart Goddard claims to be friends with everybody from Mister Pastry to Jim Morrison to Arthur Askey, and…

I’m a friend of Stevie Wonder
I’m a friend of Eric Fromm
I’m a friend of Bryan Ferry
I’m a friend of Terence Stamp

I did find one more lyrical reference to Mr. Stamp, but I'm saving it for Wednesday. You'll see why then...

Celebrity Jukebox #27: Lou Ferrigno

I've read comics all my life. I can't afford to buy them anymore, so I just read them online through a monthly subscription app. Stream them, I guess. Then again, when I started buying comics they were 10p each. Nowadays they're over three quid a pop - I don't know how modern collectors do it.

Two things got me into reading comics. One was the 70s Spider-Man cartoon, the one with the immortal theme tune. But as much as Spidey became my number one hero, he wasn't the star of the first comic I owned. That was Hulk Comic, which my mum bought me because I loved the old TV show starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. 

Ferrigno was a body builder who initially became famous when he featured in the 1975 documentary Pumping Iron alongside a young Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Scharzenegger was considered for the role of the Hulk, but lost out in the end because he was three inches shorter than Ferrigno.) 

Having lost almost 80% of his hearing as a child, young Lou retreated into a fantasy world of super-hero comics and body-building to avoid the bullies. Excellent preparation for his time as the Incredible Hulk... and for being Michael Jackson's personal trainer for over 20 years. 

You can pretty much guarantee that anyone who's known for being a tough guy will be name-checked in about 300 rap songs, and that's certainly true for Lou. You'll easily find him associating with everyone from Ice Cube to Eminem to Busta Rhymes, plus a bunch of other guys even hardcore rap fans probably never heard of. 

Lou Ferrigno's name features in more song titles than anyone else I've so far investigated for this feature... although none of them are by anyone you've ever heard of. Don't believe me? Try these (or don't, I won't be offended)...

Bob King - Lou Ferrigno

Staunch Moderates - Lou Ferrigno

Antanequiaa Da Bbw - Lou Ferrigno

Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire - Lou Ferrigno's Mad

But wait! They're not all obscure rap songs!

Crash & the Crapenters - Lou Ferrigno

Badass Cowboys - The Ballad of Lou Ferrigno

Moussa - Lou Ferrigno

Glitch Moth - Lou Ferrigno

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's plenty more out there if you like scraping barrels. 

By this point in my search I was starting to get desperate. What were the chances of finding any Lou Ferrigno songs in my own record collection? Well, as it turned out... zilch. The closest I got was an unreleased Weezer b-side featuring Rage Against The Machine's Tom Morello on guitar...

Weezer - Caveman (demo)

Who needs another Lou Ferrigno?

Splitting his shirt when things slip out of his control

Wise men do say that honey gets more bees than vinegar

I'm not sure, so I guess I'll try and let a tantrum out

And an obscurity from They Might Be Giants, a band I have a lot of time for, although this isn't one of their finest moments...

They Might Be Giants - Sold My Mind to The Kremlin 

With no place in the processional

And no seats in the convention hall

I sold my mind to the Kremlin

On the 4th of July.

I was wearing a Yoda mask

You were talking like Lou Ferrigno

A hat made of paper

A vest made of ugly

An intercom with just one button

Despite these many lyrical references, I feel a genuine tribute to Lou Ferrigno has yet to be written. Maybe Ed Sheeran can give it a go...

In the meantime, here's a huge comic book fan with his own tribute to The Incredible Hulk... although Lou sadly doesn't get a mention.

 

What about the Incredible Hulk's other half? Well, it turns out I had slightly more luck with Bill Bixby... as you'll see next time.

Conversations With Ben #8: Pink Custard

Ben sends me this link.

Rol: Why?

I remember being round at my next door neighbours, taping this song off one cassette onto another.

Thanks. I've got you sharing The Smurfs and Sam making me listen to Baby Shark. As if life wasn't bad enough.

Show him the Smurfs Go Pop album.

I think I'll stick with making him listen to the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack again.

I would have thought you were post cassette.

No way, one of my favourite toys as a kid was the Talkboy (TM). It's the thing Kevin has on Home Alone 2 where you can speed up or slow down the playback.

From Tiger Electronics. 

I just used to put a penny on the LP.

I also have a lot of cassettes now.

Of course. Because pointless tat comes with Hipsterdom.

Is that slang for going to the toilet?

What, pointless tat? I'll have you know I have very good direction.

You can get plenty of tapes on eBay for dirt cheap.

I got the Mark and Lard one.

Shirehorses?

Yep.

Their Stan pissstake is hilarious. Tony.

People do big clear outs. There's never any bidding wars or anything.

I've just started buying up cheap CDs I used to own, then sold when I was skint (and CDs still had value). Now I can get them for a couple of quid each.

My tape player is French as well.

Of course it is.

I donated all my CDs about 5 years ago. 

I know. But I'm never going to be able to afford a vinyl collection and I even sold my turntable. CDs are now the cheapest option... except for anything released in the last 2-3 years which is extortionate and never drops in price.

Whereas I don't have anything to play CDs on. Even the laptops in our house don't have CD compartments.

I did buy one of those things that lets you convert old cassettes into mp3s. I've just never had time to use it. I also have lots of old mini-discs that I have a similar intention for.

Mini discs skipped my generation. They were too expensive and by the time we were old enough to buy them, the MP3 players were out. 

[They were only a thing for about 3 and a half minutes. But it was when I worked in radio, and we were convinced they were the future after they replaced reel to reel.

I bought a Zune with my first pay cheque.

WTF...?

What? The Zune rocked. It was indestructible.

What did it do?

Played mp3s. With the most unintuitive user interface ever.

I bought a CD player with my first pay packet. Then spent ages taping CDs so listen to in my dad's car. I taped Diamonds & Pearls, the album, when I got it. Put it on repeat to fill the C90. Only I'd pressed repeat one track only. So driving to work that night, I listened to 40 minutes of Thunder. It took me ages to realise what I'd done. I just thought Prince had recorded a reeeeeeally long song.

I bought a CD player by skipping eating lunch at school for three weeks so I could use the lunch money to buy it. £20 Alba CD player.

That sounds like a plot from Grange Hill. They'd call in a social worker if you did that nowadays.

Most kids at my school didn't eat at lunch. There was a McDonald's at the end of the road and we were near the city centre so most kids saved it as we couldn't leave during lunch.

So you just sat in the playground and watched the drive-by shootings...

It was a Catholic school so it was a few stabbings. And a lot of teenage sex.

But you all felt very guilty afterwards.

The guilt was ever present. You knew you'd fucked up when you got sent to see Fr Adrian over the assistant principals.

To be fair, he was a nice guy.

Just made you do a lot of prayers.

Perfect song for you...

Settle a debate.

Pink custard at school.

It was just pink, not strawberry flavoured, yeah?

I don't think it was strawberry flavoured but it didn't taste like normal custard. I love normal custard but I hated red custard and green custard. Chocolate custard was ok.

Green custard and red custard. Did you go to private school!?!

Grotbags was the head teacher. I thought you didn't eat school dinners anyway...

What did green custard taste like? Apple?

Horrible. There is only one true custard.

Birds or Ambrosia?

Yellow.

All you other custards are just imitating.

Cold or warm?

And I mean refrigerated, not room temp.

Hot. Like coffee.

Red hot dessert, cold custard.

Freak.

How is custard even allowed for you? It's not vegan.

Alpro. Or Birds packet mix.

Sigh. Custard must be hot. End of.

My other half has it hot. Have to keep half in fridge, half in cupboard for her to heat up.

At least there's one sane person in your household.

Me.

There are two exceptions... Crumble... and Christmas pud.

At least you're not part of the Brandy Sauce Brigade.

Brandy has a place in lemonade. Not a cool drink. But a tasty drink. Like dirt cheap lemonade.

Even when I drank anything, I drew the line at brandy.

It was excellent as a 14 year old in car parks.

What would Fr Abraham say?

Adrian? He's still a good friend so he'd probably just tut and shake his head at me...

Neverending Top Ten #3.6: Old Town Road

So it finally happened.

Rather than me introducing Sam to songs from my record collection, he's introduced me to one from... well, not his own record collection, but one garnered from his circle of friends, at least. 

Old Town Road by Lil Nas X really shouldn't work. Country and rap don't mix, surely? And getting Billy Ray Cyrus in to sing the verses...? I love country music, but Billy Ray? The Achy Breaky Heart guy? Father of Miley? Nooooooooo!

And yet, I like Old Town Road a lot. It's just a fun pop song. 

(Or is it?)

Now, being that I am of an age where I really shouldn't be able to trust my own opinions on contemporary pop music, I figured I better ask another young person. Unfortunately, the youngest person I know to talk to, whose opinion I (occasionally) trust is Ben. 

Apologies if this becomes another one of those conversations...

Little Nas. Billy Ray Cyrus. Old Town Road. Discuss.

Personally? It's OK. Technically?  It does a lot for moving contemporary rap forward, showing that those SoundCloud and sadcore rappers can get a mainstream audience with a song with pop sensibilities but not "sell out" or lose artistic credibility.

Similarly, it's a move that shows where hip hop is currently as a social movement by accepting Lil Nas and his sexuality as a prominent member of the community, and not just as a critical darling but a minor person in the community (i.e. Frank Ocean).

That's OK then. I will let Sam keep listening to it.

I like country music, and a country/rap crossover sounds horrible on paper, but this makes it work... and even redeems Billy Ray in the process.

Yeah, the kid is probably one of the best role models the genre has had since Lupe Fiasco.

That's a great name. Like Clem Fandango.

Well, thank whatever god you want that Sam found Lil Nas X for country rap as opposed to Kid Rock.

Kid Rock rules!

The white supremacy? Or the pretending to not have grown up on a massive estate that his mummy and daddy owned?

Whatever. He still has 3 good songs.

As a 12 year old I liked American Badass.

The one that rips off both Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves of London is much better than it ought to be.

It was ok until it received too much radio play and just became so overplayed.

Fair enough.

(At this point Louise walks by and asks me if Sam should be singing that Lil Nas X song as it's so rude. "Rude," I ask, genuinely confused.)

I'm more disturbed to discover that the Lil Nas song might not actually be about horses.

It's about gay love, or can't you handle that?

Admittedly, love is the wrong word...

I don't have a problem with it. I just honestly thought it was about a horse until Louise told me otherwise.

I was satirising the idea of cancel culture and the outrage of cancel culture.

I only realised slippers were named as such because you slip them on your feel over Christmas.

And about a week ago I realised that the Pink song I'm coming up so I better get this party started was about her coming up on drugs. 

I didn't know that about Pink, but it doesn't surprise me.

It seems every modern pop song (except Taylor Swift and maybe Adele) is explicit on one way or another. I blame Frankie.

Valli?

Oh What A Night is a gem.

But also about groupies...

Goes To Hollywood. Or were you being facetious?

A bit of both.

But that's what Oh What A Night is about.

I spent an hour last night trying to find a radio edit of an Eminem song (other than Lose Yourself) that I could play to Sam. But even the radio edits are too offensive for a  7 year old.

I don't think Eminem works that way, unfortunately. I had one of his CDs that was the edited version. It sounded like he was scatting.

Mos Def might be a better rapper to introduce Sam to. Or Ab Soul. Show him The Book of Soul. You may want to check it for language first but it is definitely good rap. Then you can lead into Kendrick who is one of the GOATS as they have a group together called Black Hippy...

I'm sure all those rappers are very good, but I'm trying to introduce him to music from my life, not find new stuff. He's done a good enough job of finding Lil Nas's Brokeback Mountain song.

But you can make memories listening to a genre of music neither of you are knowledgeable about together.

I'm sure that'll come later.

I just realised that Sam has been into that gay pirates song by Cosmo Jarvis for years. 

Not sure he's ready for Man On Man yet. Then again, he's not ready for Arab Strap either... or half of Prince's catalogue.

Arab strap needs a 30+ warning.

Arab Strap have a new album out. I wonder how many c-words are in it...

(Surprisingly fewer than expected, actually.)

Saturday Snapshots #161 - The Answers

The masks are off and the songs are revealed!

10. SOS! No jest! Infatuated with a lad!

"SOS! No jest!" was an anagram.

Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy

9. Who let him out? He can't even remember his own identity!

Who let the Dogg out?

Snoop Dogg - Who Am I (What's My Name)?

8. Pervy haircut? It'll all be OK the day after tomorrow.

"Call the cops!" was an extra clue from Shaun Ryder.

It'll all be happy on Monday.

The Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro

Still got one of the best opening lines of any pop song ever.

7. Offspring of red-breasted piper tunes through the static to get a clearer signal. 

Tom, Tom was a piper's son... but also a Robin-son.

Tom Robinson - Atmospherics: Listen To The Radio

6. Young men & women move very fast.

So fast, they're a Blur. Let's face it, that mask doesn't really disguise Damon's identity at all.

Blur - Girls And Boys 

5. Remorse found in meme.

"In meme" is a very simple anagram. Somebody else who might as well not have been wearing a mask.

Eminem - Guilty Conscience

Still my favourite Eminem song, and the single is so much more fun than the album version.

4. Lou eying Mike - ends up dizzy.

"Lou eying Mike" is another anagram. I'm probably overdoing those at the moment.

Kylie Minogue - Spinning Around

3. Good & cheerful... but the cure doesn't work. 

Bon & jovial... but the medicine is bad.

Bon Jovi - Bad Medicine

2. Explosion in city vermin, hates #8.

That's Saint Bob under the mask.

#8 was the Happy Mondays.

Boomtown Rats - I Don't Like Mondays

1. Thumbs up & fingers crossed.

Sir Thumbs Aloft!

No more masks next Saturday, but plenty more Snapshots.

Hot 100 #25

Blackpool's Section 25 give us our image this week, a post-punk band who have been in the go since the late 70s and are still going... having recently been sampled by Kanye West, of all people. Here's Looking From A Hilltop.

Before we begin with your suggestions for Number 25, a quick reminder of Ezekiel 25:17, for anyone who doesn't know their Bible verse (as rewritten by Quentin Tarantino).

Oh, and let's get the Christmas songs out of the way too, shall we?

Everything But The Girl - 25th of December

Roberta Flack - 25th of Last December

Desmond Reed - 25th of December

OK, what did you have for me this week? Lots to get through, and as is often the case, Martin starts the ball rolling...

The Dukes Of Stratosphear - 25 O'Clock

Zager & Evans - In The Year 2525 (double whammy!)

And Night Ranger - The Secret Of My Success (from the movie of the same name) has the lyric

The secret of my success is I'm living 25 hours a day

And, surely a contender, Mott The Hoople - All The Young Dudes (or Bowie, if you like) starts:

Well, Billy rapped all night about his suicide,

How he'd kick it in the head when he was 25.

Speed jive, don't want to stay alive

When you're 25

They were all contenders, actually, Martin. Always happy when someone cuts down my own list.

Next up was George, who's obviously got some spare time on his hands now that his American road trip is over.

Is Mungo Jerry's In The Summertime allowed? It does have a 25 in it, but its part of " a ton and 25" in your daddy's car.

That's always allowed, George. How could I disqualify those sideburns and the ultimate drinking & driving pop song? Although google informs me that the lyrics go like this...

If her daddy's rich take her out for a meal

If her daddy's poor just do what you feel

Speed along the lane

Do a turn or return the twenty-five

When the sun goes down

You can make it, make it good in the lay-by

Ann Peebles - 99 lbs 

25 lbs. of pure cane sugar

25 lbs. of tenderness in each and every touch

25 lbs. of understanding my man

24 lbs of something else that I can't even name

And it all adds up to 99 lbs

All put together in a fine white frame

I hope my boss is watching how George and I are embedding Maths into this post.

Chicago - 25 or 6 To 4

I'm so glad George suggested that one. I mean, that wasn't on my list at all. No, sir.

Those last two choices were both seconded by Lynchie who also added...

Johnny Cash - 25 Minutes To Go

I'm presuming you meant the Live at Folsom State Prison version, Lynchie.

But George wasn't done yet...

"And I think there's a Clash song too with a 25 in it..." he added.

Rigid Digit was straight on the case...

The Clash - Julie's Been Working For The Drug Squad

10 years for you, 19 for you

And you can get out in 25

That is if you’re still alive

The Swede was up next... and he's really been digging through the crates...

A few prog-ish bits and bobs scattered through my suggestions this week, some of which might meet with George's approval.

(No chance any of them winning then.)

Xhol - Love Potion 25

Faust - 25 Yellow Doors

The Dream Syndicate - 50 In A 25 Zone

(That one was actually on my list.)

Les 5 Gentlemen - LSD 25 Ou Les Metamorphoses De Margaret Steinway

If - Song for Elsa, Three Days Before Her 25th Birthday

Moving Gelatine Plates - X-25

Those three weren't. Although who can resist a band called Moving Gelatine Plates? (Me, apparently.)

The Swede did redeem himself in the end though...

Elvis Costello - Twenty-Five To Twelve

And I couldn't find that anywhere online, so I had to upload it myself!

The Swede concludes...

Lyrically, New Pleasure by Richard Hell & the Voidoids comes to mind, containing as it does the lyric...

You're in too deep 

You can't survive 

Or can't be you past twenty-five

Thanks, Swede. Over to Dubai next, where Jim has only two offerings this week...

The only tunes in my collection are:

Own Up If You're Over 25 by John Dummer and Helen April

Did you stand up for Otis Redding?

Did you cry at Elvis's wedding?

Own up if you're over 25

(You'd have to own up to considerably more years than 25 to answer those question in the affirmative these days!)

25 Years by The Catch

Couple of early 80's tunes.

They'll do for me, Jim. Though I'd never heard either of them before.

Oh, wait... Rigid Digit's back...

Saw Doctors - £25

And I know you're an admirer of the work of Simple Minds.

Do you mean "the Scottish U2"?

Simple Minds - Mandela Day

It was 25 years they take that man away

Now the freedom moves in closer every day

Wipe the tears down from your saddened eyes

They say Mandela's free so step outside

A fine sentiment, if only it wasn't done so blandly

I'm glad you said that, RD. Saved me the job.

B52s - Wig

Wigs on fire 

Wigs on fire 

Wigs on fire

It's 2525 and we've got the most wigs alive!

Now that's more like it!

Blimey. Are we not done yet? No, here comes Lynchie again...

I forgot to mention 3 Dimes Down by Drive-By Truckers which has the line:

Three dimes down and 25 cents shy 

Of a slice of the Double-mint twins

Come back baby

Rock and Roll never forgets

Always got time for the DBTs, Lynchie. Channelling the Stones on that one, I think.

Now here's C to bring all us old farts into the 21st Century...

I must put in a good word for young Liverpool lad Louis Berry and his cracking song 25 Reasons. It's only a couple of years old but has that 60's R'n'B thing going on, with a pinch of Dr Feelgood too. Go for it!

Louis Berry - 25 Reasons

Blimey. He bears further investigation. Didn't think the young uns made 'em like that anymore. Cheers, C.

Hang on, we're not done yet, here's The Swede with this week's Dylan suggestion...

Bob Dylan - Sitting On A Barbed Wire Fence

Yes, this woman I've got, 

She's killing me alive, 

She's makin' me into an old man and man, 

I'm not even twenty-five...

Imagine that. A time when the Bobster wasn't even 25! That has featured here before. So I'm sure I must have done the "If he's sitting on a barbed wire fence, that'll explain why his voice sounds like it does" gag. If not, you can have it for free.

One more from The Swede... even though I'm starting to feel like Jez must have done in the most ridiculous excesses of The Chain (coming back soon, apparently).

Robyn Hitchcock - Happy The Golden Prince 

Twenty-five hours of love in the life of 

Happy the Golden Prince Rides Again!

That is bizarre. Good though.

Surely we must be done by now?

Oh no, here's Douglas...

Dang! I blame the time zone difference here in Canada, but when I awoke at 6:00 a.m. to get an early bid in for Dukes of Stratosphear's 25 O'Clock and Zager and Evans' In The Year 2525, I found I was a few hours behind Martin. No problem, I think to myself, I'll give it some more thought, and get the rest of my bids in during my lunch hour. Would't you know it, when I go to check at lunch there are fifteen comments now, and Rigid Digit has taken another of my sure-fire guesses in Mandela Day.

So I'll start instead with a couple clever covers. How about They Might Be Giants' cover of The Dukes of Stratosphear's 25 O'Clock? I know TMBGs get a lot of love around here, so let's go with that, for the steal...

They Might Be Giants - 25 O'Clock

Or if that is not a winner, how about Visage's cover of In The Year 2525? Kind of gives an appropriately "futuristic" take on the original...

Visage - In The Year 2525

One of three covers of that song in my collection, Douglas. For completeness' sake, here's the other two...

The Feeling - In The Year 2525

Ian Brown - In The Year 2525

That Ian Brown cover is my favourite. But back to Douglas...

Strangely (?), I could find no one who took on a cover of Simple Mind's Mandela Day, let alone offering any kind of hope for "improvement" on the original.

You can't improve on perfection, Douglas. Apparently.

So that leaves me with one original, and not for the first time, I find myself offering from among the oeuvre of one Paul Heaton that deal with his take on aging. How about "Prettiest Eyes" by the Beautiful South, which contain the following seasonally appropriate reference to Christmas:

Let's take a look at these crows feet, just look

Sitting on the prettiest eyes

Sixty 25th of Decembers

Fifty-nine 4th of Julys

Not through the age or the failure, children

Not through the hate or despise

Take a good look at these crows feet

Sitting on the prettiest eyes

Luckily, I have a few more years before I have to worry about any of that myself.

The Beautiful South - Prettiest Eyes

That is one of my favourites from Mr. Heaton, Douglas, so you did come close again this week.

Right, what's left in the bottom of my own hard-drive?

Kris Kristofferson - The Year 2000 Minus 25

(Some time prior to Zager & Evans.)

The Black Crowes - P.25 London

Eminem - 25 To Life

Same title, very different song...

The Stray Birds - 25 To Life

The Big Dish - 25 Years

John Mellencamp - Another Sunny Day 12/25

Patti Smith - 25th Floor

Tom Williams & The Boat - 25

Jefferson Airplane - D.C.B.A. 25

Paul McCartney & Elvis Costello - 25 Fingers

Bomb The Music Industry - 25!

Johnny Marr - 25 Hours

(Surprised Martin missed that one.)

The Earlies - 25 Easy Pieces

Edwin Starr - 25 Miles

Oh, and let's not forget Buck Rogers In The 25th Century... which leads us to this old favourite...

Feeder - Buck Rogers

And finally...

ZZ Top - I Gotsta Get Paid

Lots of 25s in that one!

In the end, while it could have been Zager & Evans... or Chicago... Johnny, Mott or The Beautiful South... this week's winner's trophy actually goes to George.

Yes, George.

Who's have thought it?

But his final suggestion trumped all other contenders...

Tramp by Otis Redding and Carla Thomas. Just before the things with the Cadillacs there's a 25 cent lyric...

That's right, you haven't even got a fat bankroll in your pocket...

You probably haven't even got twenty-five cents

Greatest duet ever recorded? Could be.

I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, anything you want, woman!

Thank you all for your help. But if you think 25 was a big post... wait till we get to next week! Try not to get too carried away. I might just go with the really obvious one. (Or the really obvious one to me.)

Oh, one final thing. Unless they're amazing suggestions, I'm going to stop allowing lyrical 24s (and so on) as we get nearer number one. Let's face it, there are way too many. So you'll have to be really persuasive if you want to sell me on a lyrical reference from now on. Sorry.