Celebrity Jukebox #141: Ozzy Osborne

I'm not going to pretend to have been a huge Ozzy fan, but I could easily have been. It's the road not travelled...

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

After all these years of myth-making, the TV show, the family, the self-mockery and the colossal caricature (not to mention biting the head off that bat), I readily accept that there are two types of people who know much more about Ozzy than I ever will: the dedicated heavy rock fans (I dabble, but I'm not a connoisseur) and those who know very little about music at all... but just enjoyed the Show. (And by that, I don't just mean The Osbornes.)

Ozzy Osborne - Perry Mason

I'll let you in on a little secret through... whenever I come across an old Ozzy track I've not heard before, like the one above, I dig it. Because I've always had a soft spot for metal that isn't too metal. Really, it's just pop music with louder guitars.

Ozzy Osborne - Let Me Hear You Scream

If nothing else, Ozzy was a Show. And beyond that, he was the very best kind of rock star: one who never took himself too seriously... or at all seriously. That's the way he came across to me, anyway.

 

As is customary in this feature, I went looking for songs that might mention the dearly departed. And only then did I realise just how far Ozzy's influence stretches... and how much bigger he was in the States than in his home country. As you'd expect, some of these songs are quite loud...

Alien Crime Syndicate - Ozzy

We saw Ozzy on our first date

Our special song is Crazy Train

Making out in the middle of the pit

How come Slayer doesn't sing about this

If anything comes between you and me

Then heavy metal heaven, that's where we'll meet

Nerf Herder - Pantera Fans In Love

I know metal is dead

But I want to bang my head

And throw my fists up into the air

I know Ozzy Osbourne's old but I don't care

Diesel Boy - Cock Rock

But they're not all rock songs.

I'm a cross between Manson, Esham and Ozzy

I don't know why the fuck I'm here in the first place

Eminem - Still Don't Give A Fuck

Quite a lot of rappers mention Ozzy in favourable terms... perhaps for obvious reasons. But you might not expect him to pop up in a country tune...

Ever since I met you, girl, you been on my brain

I can't think of nothin' else but you all night and day

It's like I got a first-class seat up on Ozzy's train

And it's drivin' me insane

Dierks Bentley - 5-1-5-0

Maybe it's more to be expected in the place where country meets rock...

So I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw Ozzy Osbourne

With Randy Rhoads in '82 Right before that plane crash

The Drive-By Truckers - Let There Be Rock

Punk rockers obviously tipped their hats to Ozzy...

Tipper, what's that sticker sticking on my CD?

Is that some kind of warning to protect me?

Freedom of choice needs a stronger, stronger voice

You can stamp out the source, but you can't stop creative thought

Ah, Tipper, come on

Ain't you been getting it on?

Ask Ozzy, Zappa or me

We'll show you what it's like to be free

The Ramones - Censorshit

"We came home and found our son

Lying dead on his bed of a gunshot wound

He had his headphones on

And there was an Ozzy record on the turntable

So, we called our lawyer"

The Dead Kennedys - Triumph Of The Swill

And while I'm pretty sure this reggae hit from the 70s wasn't about The Prince of Darkness... it would be nice to imagine he might have been an influence.

Rasta Ozzy from up de hill

Decide fi check 'pon 'im grocery bill

An' when him add up de t'ings him need

De dunny done wha' him save fi buy likkle weed

Pluto Shervington - Dat

Even ultra-cool Canadians love Ozzy...

Pop pop, fizz fizz

Ohhhhh what a sweet leaf it is

Like Ozzy Osbourne I was born to perform

Aww, zeah?

Chilly Gonzales - So-Called Party Over There

Now before we get to today's winner... here's Beck's tribute...

Beck - Ozzy

When it came to choosing my favourite Ozzy tribute song though, there was no contest. Especially as the lead singer of this band once left a comment on my blog. Here's B4S with a song about the passing of time, and all its sickening crimes...

She hates time, make it stop

When did Mötley Crüe become classic rock? 

And when did Ozzy become an actor?

Please make this stop, stop, stop...

Snapshots Spillover - More Cryptozoological Songs

Damn it - I missed that conference. If I'd known about it before, I'd have been there like a shot. 

Cryptozoology is the study of animals that are legendary, extinct, or unknown, and whose existence is disputed or unsubstantiated. Not that anyone in their right mind would dispute Bigfoot or Nessie... but there are some crazy folk out there.

Here's a few more appropriate tunes...

Queen - Dragon Attack

That's Huey Morgan's favourite Queen song. He used to do a Radio 2 show in the middle of the night between Friday and Saturday that I always used to listen to (one of the last Radio 2 shows I bothered with) and he'd play that every other week.

Lalo Schiffrin - Enter The Dragon

Squirrel Nut Zippers - The Kraken

The Kraken was a famous many tentacled sea monster, who probably hung out with this (surprisingly popular) underwater cryptid...

Nick Cave - Leviathan

James - Leviathan

Manic Street Preachers - Leviathan

Edwyn Collins - Leviathan

Back onto dry land now for the scary prospect of a half-dragon, half-chicken hybrid...

Shearwater - Open Your Houses (Basilisk)

Even scarier - part-Lion, part-man, part-eagle, part-scorpion... it's the Manticore!

Momus - The Manticore

And next, we have a best straight out of the old testament, And next, we have a best straight out of the Old Testament, whose "bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like bars of iron”... 

The Shadows of Night - The Behemoth

To be honest, I think I'd rather find a bunch of these guys at the bottom of my garden...

Lisa Germano - In The Land of the Fairies

Black Sabbath - Fairies Wear Boots

Magnetic Fields - I've Run Away To Join The Fairies

But I've saved the best till last today... well, it had to be, didn't it? 

From the album Loch'd & Loaded, of course...

Self-Help For Cynics #24: Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

A year or so back, I began to feel victimised by another prominent member of the blogging community. Not someone whose name you will ever see in the comments box on this site, but someone who is well-regarded by certain other bloggers, and who occasionally comments on a select number of the blogs I read. I began to notice that whenever I wrote a comment on one of those blogs, expressing approval of a certain artist or song, this particular individual would soon after leave their own comment, not so much rubbishing my opinion, but making it quite clear that they disagreed and that they saw no value at all in the music I liked. After a while, I attempted to deflect this with humour, leaving jokey follow-up comments about how much our tastes differed or faux apologies for inflicting my own noxious opinions on him, but my olive branch of banter was met with a wall of silence. 

The Cleaners From Venus - Amateur Paranoiac

This is when my paranoid brain kicked into over-drive. Did this blogger really have it in for me? Were my opinions so distasteful that the very sight of my name in a comment box drove him into a rage? If he felt this way, how many other blog readers might I be offending with my awful taste in music? The least I could do was comment less on the blogs he read, so as not to upset him any further. Beyond that, I seriously considered quitting blogging altogether, or at least making my blog private and just writing it for myself... though I knew I'd miss the community and the chance to chat away in other people's comment boxes. 

Mind tells us...

Paranoia is thinking and feeling like you are being threatened in some way, even if there is no evidence, or very little evidence, that you are. 

Even more tellingly, they add...

Paranoid thoughts could also be exaggerated suspicions. For example, someone made a nasty comment about you once, and you believe that they are directing a hate campaign against you.

Ouch. That's right on the money, isn't it? 

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody's coming to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes

Hear the voices in my head

I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring

But if you're bored, then you're boring

The agony and the irony, they're killing me

Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Apparently up to a third of the population experience paranoid thoughts at one time or another. Paranoia isn't an actual mental health diagnosis - not unless you respond to your paranoia in an excessive way. Clearly it's linked to low self-esteem and intrusive thoughts, both of which we've looked at here before. So it should come as no surprise that "amygdala dysfunction" is one of the key suspects in causing paranoid thoughts.

The Kinks - Destroyer

(On a side note, whenever I start a sentence with "So...", I worry that I'll anger Charity Chic, since it sticks in my mind that he doesn't approve of said practice. God, writing a blog when you're a delusional fruitcake is an absolute minefield!)

Sometimes I give myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm cracking up

Am I just paranoid

Or am I just stoned?

Green Day - Basket Case

Mind tries to reassure me that what I have is mild or non-clinical paranoia, not one of the more serious forms: paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. But really, what if they're wrong? Am I paranoid to think I might have a more serious version of paranoia?

I got some so-called friends

They'll smile right to my face

But, when my back is turned

They'd like to stick to me

Yes, they would

Paul Simon - Paranoia Blues

An Australian Better Health website lists the following as possible symptoms of paranoia. I'm going to try a little tick box exercise to work out just how paranoid I might be. Feel free to copy the table and play along yourself...

Generally, a person who is paranoid may:
be easily offended	✔
find it difficult to trust others	✔
not cope with any type of criticism	What are you saying?
assign harmful meanings to other people’s remarks	What are you saying?
be always on the defensive	What are you saying?
be hostile, aggressive and argumentative	WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?!
not be able to compromise	✖ (Everything I do is a compromise.)
assume that people are talking ill of them behind their back	✔✔✔
be overly suspicious – for example, think that other people are lying or scheming to cheat them	✔
not be able to confide in anyone	Well, there’s you guys…
find relationships difficult	✔
consider the world to be a place of constant threat	Isn’t it?
feel persecuted by the world at large	I’m not that important.
believe in unfounded ‘conspiracy theories’	No, I only believe in the true ones.

Not looking good, is it?

Clearly I need to do some more work on this... next week.

Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

In conclusion for today though, I haven't had any recent follow-up comments from my blogging bully, even after I started commenting again on the blogs he frequents. Maybe he's got bored with persecuting me... or he's too busy at the moment... or he's had a change of heart and suddenly realised that Barry Manilow is actually great. Who knows? 

I am also prepared to entertain the notion that he never actually had it in for me in the first place, that it was all in my imagination, and that all the negative comments he left as a follow up to my positive ones were purely coincidental. It could just be all in my mind...

The Art of Noise with Max Headroom - Paranoimia

On the other hand, you know what they say: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.

Snapshots #257: A Top Ten Pronoun Songs

This is Ezra Furman. They have a new record out. It's pretty good. Not yet sure if it's as good as Transangelic Exodus, but I'll let you know. Ezra once said, "I am trying to figure out why I as a trans person don’t care about gendered pronouns, and so many people do. Why I’m fine with he/she/them and others have strong preferences." I can't answer that question for them. But I can answer these pronoun questions for you...

10. Careful - you can cut yourself on this number!

No, it's not Rocky Sharpe & The Replays.

It is a sharp number ten though.

Ten Sharp - You

9. This is what happens when your dating app freezes.

When Tinder sticks...

Tindersticks - Her

8. Does Liam Love It?

Liam Gallagher is partial to a bit of Lyle Lovett, apparently.

Gallagher & Lyle - We

7. Big Irish Dogs.

The Wolfhounds - Me

6. Reagan & Clinton, perhaps?

Ron & Bill - It

5. What Captain Kirk sings at Christmas.

It's a carol, Jim, but not as we know it.

Jim Carroll - Them

4. Richard Hall's wine producer.

Richard Hall is Moby. Grapes produce wine.

Moby Grape - He

3. Miner 7th.

Bit of a stretch this one, but it worked for me. Miners dig coal, and get very black doing so. The 7th day is...

Black Sabbath - I

2. Where Murdoch lives.

Rupert Murdoch presumably has multiple homes.

Rupert Holmes - Him

Until very recently, the only copy of this tune I had was transferred from a scratchy 7 inch I pulled out of a skip. Listening to the digital version now, it doesn't sound right without the crackles.

1. Zane's rural havoc.

Only one anagram this week? Shocking!

Charles Aznavour - She

You would be right to expect more next week. I will deliver. Unless they stop me.

Snapshots #197 - A Top Ten Eponymous Songs

Will Florence be celebrating tonight? 

I mean... did she get 10/10 and spot the link on this week's Snapshots? Let's find out...

Here are 10 eponymous songs, where the title of the song includes the name of the performer.

10. Turner, Becker, Trout.

Frank Turner, Walter Becker & Walter Trout.

The Frank & Walters - We Are The Frank & Walters

9. Morph did this.

Living In A Box - Living In A Box

8. Gloomy tomorrow.

Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath

7. Chemistry tools.

The Pipettes - We Are The Pipettes

6. Livingstone takes his vacations on a battlefield.

Dandy Livingstone goes on War-hols.

The Dandy Warhols - The Dandy Warhols TV Theme Song

Or you could have had...

The Dandy Warhols - The Dandy Warhols Love Almost Everyone

5. Captain's Happy plus Elvis & Dave's Girls.

Captain Sensible sang Happy Talk, Dave sang Girls' Talk, which was written by Elvis.

Talk Talk - Talk Talk

4. Nelson's company?

If Willie Nelson had a company, he would call it Will-co.

Wilco - Wilco (The Song)

3. Thanked, long ago.

Anagram!

Kool & The Gang - Kool & The Gang

2. Makes his own coffee.

Grinderman - Grinderman

1. Canada.

Canada is a BIG country.

(What the hell is going on in this video? It's like The Famous Five Go On An Outward Bounds Course.)

The football might be over tonight, but Saturday Snapshots will continue next week...

Saturday Snapshots #144 - The Answers

It's time for this week's answers... how'd you like them apples?


10. Scarper! They're coming for your chips!

That haircut was too easy.

Seagulls steal your chips.

A Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran

9. Infinite lost boy.

Corey Haim was a Lost Boy.

Haim - Forever

8. Healthy pussycat mixed up with inn machinery.

"Inn machinery" is an anagram.

A healthy pussycat would be a panther in the pink.

Henry Mancini - Pink Panther Theme

7. On the 7th day, it stayed dark. Are you looking at me?

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

6. Fancy Gallagher's better half? Watch out, he's as big a weirdo as I am.

Gallagher & Lyle, obviously. Love it!

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo...

Look around

And you will see

This world is full of creeps like me

You look surprised

You shouldn't be

This world is full of creeps like me

Lyle Lovett - Creeps Like Me 

5. The shell corp is watching you; it will get its pound of flesh.

Big Brother is watching.

A shell corp is another name for a holding company.

Big Brother & The Holding Company - Piece Of My Heart 

4. Found on Mount Sinai with Spearmint Shirley & Manic Wire.

Shirley Lee is the lead singer of Spearmint. If you don't know that, you should.

Nicky Wire is a Manic Street Preacher.

The Ten Commandments were found lying around on Mount Sinai. There may have been a burning bush involved, I don't know, it's been a long time since Sunday School.

Nickie Lee - The Ten Commandments Of Man

They wouldn't play that on the radio these days.

3. Orphan boxer wren.

Little Orphan Annie + Lennox Lewis and a little bird...

Annie Lennox - Little Bird

2. Happy sinners dine with Shaggy.

Huey looks so young...

Fun Lovin' Criminals - Scooby Snacks

1. A Special & a Captain meet in a deserted diner.

Terry Hall & Captain Oates.

Not one of their most well-know tunes, but one of my favourites...




Thanks for playing. I'll be hunting your good will again next Saturday...

My Top Ten Caravan Songs

Apologies for the dearth of Top Tens over the last couple of weeks. May is the busiest month in teaching - the GCSE English exam is just over a week away as I type this and so things have been pretty hectic for me (not that my students seem unduly concerned by its imminence).

Anyway, it's a Bank Holiday Weekend here in the UK, and across the country folk are dusting down their caravans and heading off to seek the sun. Here's ten songs they might play on the way.

Special mentions to Caravan*  and the mighty, mighty Camper Van Beethoven.

(*A curious psych-folk band with a very dubious taste in album titles: Cunning Stunts, For Girls Who Grow Plump In The Night and If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You. Ah, the 70s. Different times.)



10. Blur - Caravan

I'm glad Blur finally got their act together and brought out a new album this year. I've only listened to it a few times, but I already know it's better than their last, Graham Coxon-less, effort, 2003's Think Tank. Caravan comes from that record, and like most of the rest of the album, it sorely misses Coxo's guitar.

9. Black Sabbath - Planet Caravan

Normally, if you went on holiday and ended up parking your caravan next to Ozzy & co., you'd very quickly move somewhere quieter. However, you might stick around if all they played was this trippy psychedelic number. Not at all what you expect from the BS Boys...

8. Courtney Barnett - Kim's Caravan

A haunting, mesmeric ode to our dying world from the Australian wunderkind's debut album, Sometimes I Sit And Think, And Sometimes I Just Sit. (Great title.)

7. The Adventure Babies - Camper Van

A lost indie gem from the last band to sign to Factory records before they went bust in the early 90s. The EP this came from is available to download free from the band's website.

6. Ella Fitzgerald & The Duke Ellington Orchestra - Caravan

Wow.

5. Van Morrison - Caravan

Van The Man and his Caravan. CaraVan The Man. Etc.

Timeless.

4. The Doors - Spanish Caravan

See, the Doors weren't all portentous doom, Oedipal urges and Viet Nam. They liked to travel round Europe in a caravan with a flamenco guitar too.

3. Jim White - If Jesus Drove A Motor Home

If Jesus drove a motor home,
And he come to your town,
Would you try to talk to him?
Would you follow him around?
Honking horns at the drive thru.
Double-parking at the mall.
Midnight at the Waffle House...
Jesus eating eggs with ya'll.

Well, would you?

2. Inspiral Carpets - Caravan

Can't go wrong with a bit of Clint Boon's majestic organ.

1. The Housemartins - Caravan of Love

Christmas 1986, and fourteen year old Rol stands on the edge of the dancefloor at the school disco wondering if anyone will ever slow dance with him to the Housemartins' a capella cover of the Isley Jasper Isley song Caravan of Love.

No one ever did.





So... which one will you get stuck behind on the motorway?

My Top Ten Walking Away Songs

Don't you just hate those people who introduce you to their record collections saying, "yes, I have a very eclectic taste in music"? Well, I'm gonna do just that this week. Sometimes these top tens come together with such a delightful blend of genres... I feel quietly proud of myself. And you should hear some of the songs I left out! Come on, allow me a little hubris for once... don't walk away just yet.

Special mention to Juliana Hatfield for her instructional album, How To Walk way.


10. Cast - Walkaway

I have a bit of a downer on Cast. Britpop-by-numbers, my abiding memory of the band is seeing them play live at a festival back in their fifteen minutes; the onstage electric went out and John Power piped up, comedy Scouse, "'Ey - 'ave we not paid the 'leccy meter?"

But this is a lovely little song despite my prejudices. And I still prefer them to Oasis.

9. The Zac Brown Band featuring Alan Jackson - As She's Walking Away

A song about falling in love with a girl at first sight and doing absolutely nothing about it. Because, as Elton once sang, it's easier to walk away.

Pretty much sums up my teenage years and most of my 20s. Sadly, I never had Alan Jackson to give me his neat-moustached advice.

8. Black Sabbath - Walk Away

And this is why they call it Classic Rock.

7. Franz Ferdinand - Walk Away

I love the sound of you walking away... 

...is a great kiss off, and there's more to come as Alex Kapranos nicks Morrissey's poison pen...

And as you walk away
My headstone crumbles down
As you walk away
The Hollywood winds will howl
As you walk away
The Kremlin's falling
As you walk away
Radio Four is static

One reason why FF are a fantastic foursome.

(And yeah, I almost went a week without mentioning the M word. Sorry.)

6. Sisters of Mercy - Walk Away

To appreciate this fully, you have to watch the video. Andrew Eldritch: sunglasses, hair, glittery dance... and a voice like Satan serenading sea lions.

5. The King Blues - Walking Away

I miss The King Blues since they split. I know Johnny Itch is still doing his own thing, but this band burned very brightly while they were around. Like Billy Bragg, they had two sides: the angry young men & women (angrier, at times, than Billy ever got) and the sweet-hearted romantics. This is firmly in the latter camp, a gorgeous little bus stop romance. Goes nicely as an accompaniment to my number #2 song this week.  

4. Tom Waits - Walk Away

From the soundtrack to the Sean Penn / Susan Sarandon film Dead Man Walking, it's time for Tom to walk away and start all over again. Nice and jaunty. (There's a word I'm not sure I ever typed before. It looks weird on the screen.)

3. ELO - Don't Walk Away

Classic Jeff Lynne orchestral melodrama, sounding more like the Bee Gees than the Beatles on this one.

2. Billy Bragg - Walk Away, Renee (version)

A version, but not a cover, though Billy does get Johnny Marr to strum the tune from our number one song while narrating a tender, touching and beautifully funny tale of first love left behind. So many great lines, I never tire of listening to this.

But all love is strange
And you have to learn to take the crunchy with the smooth, I suppose

She began going out with Mr. Potato Head
It was when I saw her in the car park
With his coat around her shoulders that I realised
I went home and thought about the two of them together
Until the bathwater went cold around me
I thought about her eyes and the curve of her breasts
And about the point where their bodies met
I confronted her about it
I said, "I'm the most illegible bachelor in town!" and she said "Yeah that's why I
could never understand any of those silly letters you sent me"

And then one day it happened
She cut her hair and I stopped loving her.

1. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee

The original version of this song, by The Left Banke, is a very fine record indeed. But it doesn't quite stop my heart in the same way Levi Stubbs' vocal does. This is heartbreak at its finest, pure and simple. One of Motown's greatest recordings... which makes it one of the best pop singles ever. No hyperbole.




Before you walk away... leave a comment, won't you?

My Top Ten Boot Songs

Having done shoes - I had to follow it with boots. No prizes for guessing #1.

Special mentions to Little Boots and Ian Dury's New Boots & Panties which, if it had a title track, would be in here.


10. Black Sabbath - Fairies Wear Boots

Basically song about Ozzy hallucinating because he's been doing some bad shit.

9. The Auteurs - How I Learned to Love the Bootboys

Are you scared to dance with Luke Haines?

8. Sonic Youth - Dirty Boots

Great guitars!

Wikipedia informs us that, "the song lyrics contain sexually themed euphemisms, such as 'jelly roll'". Just in case you were wondering.

7. Ned's Atomic Dustbin - Leg End in His Own Boots

Undiluted hatred in every line. Wonder who it was about?

6. Iron Maiden - Die With Your Boots On

If you start to hear more Iron Maiden and Taylor Swift round these parts, blame Rob.

That said: this is grrrrreat.

5. Adam Ant - Puss 'n' Boots

Having already appeared in the Shoe Top Ten, it makes you wonder whether Adam had some kind of foot fetish?

Why does nobody make videos like this anymore?

4. Franz Ferdinand - Eleanor, Put Your Boots On

One of their best songs that doesn't mention Terry Wogan.

3. The Velvet Underground & Nico - Venus In Furs

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather...

I used to dedicate this song to Gwyneth Paltrow and sing the lyrics, "Whiny, whiny, whiny Gwyneth Paltrow." But since she was in Iron Man, I don't hate her as much.

See also Venus In Flairs by Half Man Half Biscuit, because it's great.

2. Drive-By Truckers - Go-Go Boots

Just amazing storytelling here: a hypocritical man of the cloth plays around on his wife... and then things turn nasty.

Missy wore them go-go boots; it did something for him
Made him think his wife back home was homely and boring
He met these guys who didn't mind getting dirty
He was a pillar and his alibi was sturdy
It only took a little bit of cash and the deed was done

1. Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made For Walking

Are you ready, boots? Start walking...

Which is your best boot?