Self Help For Cynics #43: Family Fury

The Cranberries - Ode To My Family

A couple of years ago, I was in a charity shop with Sam. I was flicking through an uninspiring rack of CDs while Sam was looking at the kid’s books. When he found nothing to interest him, he came to get me – because I’m only allowed to stay in any shop as long as there’s something in it for him, after that we need to get out of there asap. When I didn’t immediately jump (there might have been an obscure CD by the Colourblind James Experience hiding in those final few CDs… that has happened to me before… once… it could happen again) Sam leant against a nearby shelving unit and demonstrated his boredom with a hefty sigh.

At this point, an elderly gentleman / fellow customer / Grumpy Old Bastard came storming over and shouted something at us both to the effect that if we weren’t careful, “that’s boy’s going to pull the whole shelf off the wall!” I turned, considered my response, then said to Sam – with a volume that turned heads across the shop – “Right, buddy, we’re going – we have to get as far away from this rude man as possible!”

Peter Gabriel - Family Snapshot

Afterwards, I did consider whether my reaction was setting the best example to my son, but frankly it’s not the first time Sam’s seen me lose my rag in a shop, and I doubt it will be the last. However, unlike more general frustrations about people blocking the aisle or pushing past me or spending ages reading the ingredients on a can of beans, this particular burst of rage was clearly triggered by the third letter in Dr. R. Douglas Fields’ angry acronym, LIFEMORTS. F… is for FAMILY.

Eels - I Want To Protect You

Now before you start thinking, yep, nothing more likely to get me wound up than certain members of my family… this isn’t about the anger we feel when our (pre-)teenage child ignores our wishes and does whatever the hell they want, specifically the thing we told them not to do. It’s not the anger we feel when our other half replaces the toilet roll so that the front sheet hangs down the back when any sane person in the world knows it should hang down the front – beard good, mullet bad! It’s not even the anger we feel when a previously level-headed sibling suddenly decides to stick flags up outside their house and starts telling us how that Nigel Farage has some quite interesting things to say, actually. 

Bennet - I Hate My Family

No, the Family trigger in LIFEMORTS is actually the complete opposite of all that. It’s the anger we feel when someone or something attacks, threatens or even insults someone in our family. Because our brains are genetically hardwired to protect those close to us. This is something scientists have noticed in many different species – often they characterise it as “maternal aggression”, where a female animal will act aggressively to protect its offspring from harm. But clearly it’s not just a female trait – mothers and fathers are both conditioned to keep their offspring safe. Not just from physical threat – but even from the threat of insult. (As to why we consider insult a threat, I refer you back to the last post in this series.) Scientists tell us that our brain does this because it’s fighting to preserve our genetic lineage. The survival instinct doesn’t just cover us as individuals, we also want to ensure “species survival”. 

Simon & Garfunkel - Save the Life of My Child

But I don’t think those are the only reasons we get angry when someone threatens our family. I think it also has a little to do with that key emotion science still has trouble with properly accounting for: love. And when it comes to a threat against our children… well, there’s no greater love. I was watching some TV show a while back – I wish I could remember what it was – and one of the characters said something about how all fathers secretly wish they could die to protect their child. The idea being that there would be no greater expression of paternal love. When I heard that – just a line in a TV show, nothing I can find any scientific research about – it connected with me. 

Marvin Gaye - Save The Children

The Family anger trigger isn’t just about parents and their children though. We feel a similar sensation whenever anyone in our immediate tribe is threatened. You may well have someone in your family circle who, in your opinion, is a complete dick. You may even have had occasion to tell them this to their face. And that’s fine. That’s just families. But if someone from outside your tribe upsets, attacks or insults them… you’ll probably still feel the urge to leap to their defence. Because our brains recognise that family units offer protection – safety in numbers, yeah, but numbers that are bonded together by blood or time or proximity… that’s even safer. This might even explain why people in abusive relationships might still feel the urge to protect their abusers from outside forces. And it definitely explains why otherwise non-aggressive kids get into fights at school because some big doofus has just insulted “your mum”. Or, as the wonderfully foul-mouthed Dr. Faith (remember her?) puts it…

“It’s the likely precursor for why we may hate everyone we are related to, but we still beat the shit out of anyone outside the family that messes with them.”

Wet Leg – UR Mum

How do we deal with this then? I’m not sure I’ve found an easy solution in my research other than the general piece of advice that always comes up when tackling our responses to emotion: recognise it, acknowledge it, understand it. So when that Grumpy Old Bastard came over and had a go at my son in the charity shop (while also casting aspersions on my own parenting), what I should have done is taken a step back – recognised that I was feeling anger because I saw this incident as a threat against my family and that my brain was conditioned to release the relevant stress hormones in a situation like this in order to facilitate a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response due to an ingrained, genetic predisposition to protect my child. And then I should have calmly assessed whether or not my reaction was valid or whether my brain was actually displaying an archaic evolutionary threat response which really wasn’t relevant in the modern world. And if I decided that to be the case, then the very best reply would probably have been to smile, defuse the situation with a vague apology for any unintentional upset caused, and carry on about my day.

Massive Attack ft. Tracey Thorn - Protection 

Or maybe I should have decked the old bastard, pushed him into the very furniture he was so desperate to “protect”. “Oh, look what you’ve done now – you’ve made a right mess of those shelves.” Hulk smash threats to Hulk’s people. F can stand for more than just Family.

Self-Help For Cynics #42: I Only Want To Help You, Roland

This is Roland Browning.

Roland arrived at Grange Hill a year or so before I went to High School. He didn’t have a good time of it, being the fat kid who everyone picked on… his only friend being annoying Janet with the whiney voice. He was singled out by school bully Gripper Stebson, who made his life a misery, and towards the end of his first year, he ended up in hospital after running out into the road in front of a speeding car.

I missed the episode where Roland got run over, so somehow I managed to convince myself things had got so bad he’d tried to commit suicide. The internet tells me, years later, that it wasn’t actually a suicide attempt, but Grange Hill went to some dark places, so I’m not 100% convinced. 

Interpol - Roland

The reason I’m telling you about Roland is that when I started High School, the bullies and the wags soon twigged to the fact that I share the first three letters of my Christian name with the Grange Hill character played by Erkan Mustafa. And even though the end of my name was different – who cares? Rol became Roland… and the sound of kids mimicking whiney Janet’s catchphrase, “I only want to help you, Ro-land…” was soon echoing through the halls of our Secondary. And I hated it.

Warren Zevon - Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner

Author and neurobiologist R. Douglas Fields created the acronym LIFEMORTS to summarise nine triggers in our brains that cause us to get angry, lose our shit and full on HULK out. Last time, we looked at the first of these – L for Life or Death Situations. Today, we’re looking at I… for Insult.

The Fall - Insult Song

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” That’s what they told us back in the day. 

Hogwash.

The Divine Comedy - Sticks And Stones

I’d argue that many times, getting hit by a stick or a stone – even if it caused us the long term inconvenience of a broken bone – is preferable to many of the insults we’ve received in our lives. The insults the cut us to the quick. The insults that we lay awake at night recalling. The insults that leave permanent scars. 

Suzi Quatro - Sticks And Stones

Unsurprisingly, scientists have studied the way our brains react to insult, and they compare the effect to a “mini slap in the face”…

The researchers found insults uttered by a fictitious person triggered short bursts of brain activity in the front part of listeners' brains, regardless of who the insult was directed at, themselves or somebody else.

These very rapid responses, which the researchers say are akin to a slap in the face, did not diminish over time; offensive statements continued to grab the brain's attention, generating large responses of similar magnitude, regardless of how often the invectives were heard.

Insults elicited a larger response in brain activity than compliments, and they continued to do so throughout the session, the experiments showed.

The Righteous Brothers - Sticks And Stones

Ouch. Insults have a bigger impact and stay with us longer than compliments. So much for “names will never hurt me”!

It's a telling reminder of how our brains tend to fixate on negative events more intensely than they do positive things – what's known as the negativity bias.

Get that – what they’re basically telling us here is that our brains are much more likely to brood over negative things than they are to get zuzzed up by positivity. Our brains are essentially miserable emo/goths. It’s a wonder we’re not all on Prozac. 

The Mountain Goats - Andrew Eldritch Is Moving Back to Leeds

The reason our brains don’t like being insulted goes way, way back to the dawn of man when our very survival often depended on being part of a fledgling community, and hierarchies became suddenly very important. The higher you were up the hierarchy, the more chance you had of surviving. Of getting food and water, or having others help you by sharing resources and skills. Of finding a mate and being in with a chance of passing your genes on to the next generation. However, even back then, there were lots of buffoons who made it their business to try and batter other people down, and if they couldn’t do it physically, maybe they could do it verbally. The insult became as much a threat to our position in society as the stick or the stone… and our brains, whose primary job is to keep us alive, began to realise that insults could be deadly.

Johnny Thunders - Society Makes Me Sad

When Swanny chanted out, “I only want to help you, Ro-land,” and the other kids laughed, he was knocking me down the hierarchy ladder, and cementing his own position near the top. And this made me angry.

Tears For Fears - The Madness Of Roland

According to Psychology Today though, Anger is the absolute worst response to Insult. Whereas the strongest way to respond might well be… acceptance. 

When someone insults us, we ought to consider three things: whether the insult is true, who it came from, and why. If the insult is true or largely true, the person it came from is reasonable, and his or her motive is worthy, then the insult is not an insult but a statement of fact, and, moreover, one that could be very helpful to us.

Which seems fair enough… although in that case, it is really an insult? Aren’t we just talking about constructive criticism there? Some people have a hard time with that too – any form of criticism – but it still differs from an insult.

The Smiths - Accept Yourself

Whereas, if it comes from Swanny…

On the other hand, if you think that the person who insulted you is unworthy of your consideration, you have no reason to take offence, just as you have no reason to take offence at a naughty child or a barking dog.

I think that as we get older, it becomes a lot to ignore insults from dingbats who aren’t worth expending a breath on… but when you’re a teenager, that’s much harder. Everyone’s opinion matters to you in the deadly hierarchy of the school yard. 

Jim Bob - Revenge Of The School Bullied

As kids, we’re more likely to return the insult… I know you are, you said you are, but what about me? That doesn’t quite work when the insult is linked to your name though. I suppose I could have tried to come up with an equally stinging riposte linked to Swanny’s name – yeah, well, you look like a swanee whistle (maybe I could have imitated the sound of a swanee whistle every time he walked past?) Or could I have compared him to a Swan Vesta – you’re a hothead, Swanny… where’s your vest? It’s hardly Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker, is it? And chances are he might just have (to use another swan analogy) broken my arm in return. 

The fundamental problem with the put-down, however brilliant it may be, is that it equalizes us with our insulters, bringing them up to our level and us down to theirs. This gives them, their behaviour, and their insult far too much legitimacy. Returning the insult also risks injuring the insulter (who, in all probability, is fairly fragile) and inviting further attacks.

Depending on the power differential in the relationship, fighting fire with fire is rarely a smart move… not when the other side has bigger fists and is more than prepared to use them.

Shed Seven - Bully Boy

If you can’t use humour to deliver a stinging rebuke then, perhaps you can use it to defuse the situation in another way? When Swanny piped up, “I only want to help you, Ro-land,” maybe I should have replied, “Cheers, Swanny – any chance you can do my Maths homework for me?” Or turn the mockery back on myself to show him it didn’t bother me at all. “Ouch – that hurts. I’m going to have to go do what Roland would do in this situation… eat a few pies and wash them down with a gallon of Irn Bru.” Of course, it’s all very well thinking of witty ripostes after the fact (shades of L'esprit D'escalier), particularly 40 years after the fact! But I think eventually this was the strategy I began to adopt in terms of dealing with insults. I got in there first. I insulted myself, put myself down, before anybody else could. Take the insulter’s power away by showing them I had an even worse opinion of myself than they did. It works… to a point… but no wonder I ended up with low self-esteem.

Self-Help For Cynics #41: Life Or Death

I wanted to get back into this series, because there's still much to investigate... and if I don't have the excuse of writing the posts, I'm less likely to do the reading. I'm not going to even attempt to do it weekly anymore, but Cynical Self-Help will continue on an ad hoc basis. 

Before the break, I'd just begun to scrape the surface of anger: what it is, why we get it, and what to do about it. So let's jump straight back into that...

Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head

Back when I worked in radio, I was attacked in the street. I've written about it previously: it was a violent incident that could have been much worse, but somehow I managed to talk my way out of it. 

E - I've Been Kicked Around

While I was lying there on the floor, about to have my head kicked in, I did not feel any anger. Fear, yes. But also a kind of calm resolve that helped me get through the situation in one piece. Other people might have got angry - they'd be completely justified - and tried to fight back. But as angry as I might get, I'm not a violent person, and I'm not sure I could meet violence with violence, even to protect myself.

The Barracudas - We're Living in Violent Times

'What is he wittering on about?', you may well ask. Well, the reason I bring this up today is because of LIFEMORTS. According to angry scientist David Banner R. Douglas Fields, writer of Why We Snap: Understanding The Rage Circuits In Your Brain, there are nine potential triggers which cause outbursts of uncontrollable anger. And because scientists love acronyms, the good doctor has created a clever one to help us remember each of these triggers. 

Elvis Costello - Little Triggers

LIFEMORTS stands for... deep breath... 

Life or death

Insult

Family

Environment

Mate

Order In Society

Resources

Tribe

Stopped

Plus, it's clever because mort is French for dead, so the acronym tells us anger is related to... erm... being alive or dead? Well, in a way, that's true, since anger is the brain's way of signalling to us that we need to take action to protect ourselves from a threat. And the first of these threats, according to LIFEMORTS, is clearly the most imperative: a life or death situation. 

The Surfing Brides - A Matter Of Life And Death

Over the next nine posts, I'm going to look at each of these triggers individually, but I have to admit I struggled a bit with the first one. Have I never been in a Life or Death situation? Well, thankfully not in any kind of Hollywood action movie way we might think of. The closest I could come was the scene described above, but then... as I said... I didn't react with anger anyway. I got the signals - thanks, brain, but I think I could have worked that one out for myself - but anger would not have resolved that situation, so a calmer response prevailed.

Stevie Wonder - Be Cool, Be Calm (And Keep Yourself Together)

But wait! Dr. Fields says...

Almost anyone will defend themselves in what is perceived as a life-or-death attack.

And he's not alone, because in her book Unfuck Your Anger, sweary Dr. Faith adds...

The brain's wiring is designed to say, "Hey, you are prolly gonna die right here, so kicking ass is probably your only way out. And even if you can't, you at least won't go down without a fight."

The Teardrop Explodes - ...And The Fighting Takes Over

Of course, fighting isn't the only option to the amygdala's anger / fear signal (and let's face it, in a situation like this, anger and fear are pretty much the same thing). Everybody knows about Fight or Flight responses, but there are two other ways we can react to those signals, as Web MD explains...

The Fight response is your body’s way of facing any perceived threat aggressively. Flight means your body urges you to run from danger. Freeze is your body’s inability to move or act against a threat. Fawn is your body’s stress response to try to please someone to avoid conflict. 

The Levellers - Fight Or Flight

When I reflect on that attack, fawn is probably the response I chose. I tried to be calm and appeal to my assailant's better nature and probably pleaded a little bit... and it got me out of there. I'm not sure trying to fight back would have led to the same resolution, even if I was Jack Reacher.

Billy Nomates - Fawner

I consider myself lucky to have reached the grand old age of 53 without ever being in a life or death situation where kicking ass was the only available response to my brain's warning signals. I wonder if anyone reading this has ever had to fight their way out of a life or death situation? You might not want to talk about it if you have. But in terms of the brain's anger triggers, I'm pretty much dismissing the first one as a non-starter. Because as Martin Luther King said...

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Or, as I might have said...

If I try and fight back, I'm just gonna get hurt even more. There has to be another solution!

Self-Help For Cynics #40: Recognise When You Need A Break

I'm taking a bit of a break from daily blogging over the summer. Many times, writing this blog helps keep me sane. Other times, it just adds another rusty tin can on the back of the Buckaroo donkey. Snapshots will continue over the weekends and (with a little help from George), so will Namesakes. Most of the other features are on hold for now, but I'll check back in when the spirit moves me.

Look after yourselves.

Beach Boys - Break Away

Bruce Springsteen - Breakaway

Tracey Ullman - Breakaway

REO Speedwagon - Breakaway

Dead End Kids - Breakaway

ZZ Top - Breakaway

Big Pig - Breakaway

The Cars - Breakaway

Nick Lowe - Breakaway

The Valentines - Breakaway

Gallagher & Lyle - Breakaway

 

Self-Help For Cynics #39: Test Subject

Beastie Boys - Just A Test

I did an online test via Psychology Today to see just how angry I am - and here are the results...

You may have problems managing your anger

Your score indicates that you likely struggle to recognize triggers, calm down, communicate with others, and process your emotions in a healthy way; your anger may sometimes turn into aggression.

High Vis - Morality Test

Well, I mean, I guess that's not telling me anything I didn't already know... but it's still scary to see it written down. (I thought I'd been quite moderate in my responses too.) 

Still, my overall score was 71 out of 100, which means I'm just dipping a toe into You may have problems managing your anger and I've only just risen above Could do better. I'm not sure that's cause for huge celebration (especially as I took care to moderate my responses) but you know me - I'm a glass half full kind of guy...

Declan McKenna - Honest Test

Oh, but the boffins at Psych Today weren't finished yet. They had advice too - lots of it!

It’s important to learn how to manage anger, because continual anger, and the stress hormones that accompany it, can harm your physical health. Unmitigated anger can also lead to problems in one’s career, finances, and relationships.

Miles Hunt & Erics Nockalls - The Test

This started me wondering just how my physical health might be affected, and I realised the main thing is: I'm knackered. Partly that's the long commute and the hectic business of being a parent and a home-owner... but could it be related to my anger as well? 

Yes, according to a report I found by some more boffins, this time from Kent State University...

Too much adrenaline can exhaust the capacity of the brain to manage stress. Fatigue, illness, and chronic pain can follow.

It makes me tired, just thinking about that. 

Willie Nelson - Tired

What else did the Psych Today computer have to tell me?

Anger or aggression plays a role in several mental health disorders, such as intermittent explosive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, and borderline personality disorder. It may also be involved in manic episodes, ADHD, and narcissism.

Well, I've ruled out the last three, but the rest are distinct possibilities. I like the sound of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Isn't that just refusing to be part of the crowd?

REM - New Test Leper

Certain personality traits are linked to the tendency to become angry, research suggests. These include high neuroticism and low agreeableness.

✔️✔️

Anger tends to result from a combination of three factors: the trigger event, the personality of the individual, and the individual's appraisal of the situation.

This is the kind of sentence that makes me just go: No shit, Sherlock.

The Sports - So Obvious

Anger can be directed outward or inward. Anger expressed outwardly may take the form of yelling, meanness, or physical aggression. Anger expressed inwardly may take the form of suppression, withdrawal, and self-criticism.

So I'm mostly an inwardly angry person, unless I'm confronted by an Audi driver.

I See Hawks In L.A - Stop Driving like an Asshole

There are many avenues to improve anger management, including therapy, support groups, and individual coping skills.

Which is this series in a nutshell! Welcome to my individual coping skills blog. More next week...

Self-Help For Cynics #38: Mr. McGee, Don't Make Me Angry...

I believe I've passed the age of consciousness
And righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight
I once believed in causes too
I had my pointless point of view
And life went on no matter who was wrong or right

Billy Joel - Angry Young Man

OK, it’s time to grasp the nettle.

So far in this feature, I’ve looked in detail at all manner of negative emotions, including sadness, anxiety, low self-esteem and paranoia. But there’s one emotion I’ve danced around confronting face on, possibly because it’s the one that scares me the most – in other people and in myself.

Anger.

Anger, can make you old 
Yes it can 
I said anger 
Will make you sick children, 
Anger - destroy your soul 

Marvin Gaye - Anger

I knew this was going to be a big one, and I knew it was going to take some serious investigation to understand and… well, we’ll have to see whether management is possible. That’ll come further down the line, I guess. Let’s start with an attempt at understanding. And who better to help me get to grips with this most unpleasant and destructive of emotions than our old friend, sweary Dr. Faith? Her book Unfuck Your Brain certainly made my grey matter less opaque, so I figured she might be able to offer similar insight with one of the follow-ups…

fiREHOSE - Anger

Almost straight away, Dr. Faith pointed me in another direction, towards the work of Dr. R. Douglas Fields, a neuroscientist who sought to find an answer to the anger inside him after he beat up a pickpocket who tried to steal his wallet while he was on holiday in Barcelona. When I read about his research, I couldn’t help but be reminded of this guy…

Since his creation in 1962, the Incredible Hulk has remained one of the most consistently popular comic book characters because he appeals to our most primal emotion: the desire to have a big tantrum and smash the shit out of everything when life isn’t going our way. Unlike most other superheroes, the Hulk doesn’t want to save the world, avenge the death of a loved one or help those less powerful than he is. All he really wants is to be left alone.

Spearmint - Leave Me Alone

And when he doesn’t get what he wants?

Talk about comic books as wish-fulfillment fantasies! You don’t get any more rudimentary than that.

Bill Callahan - The Ballad Of The Hulk

But… Dr. Faith say: “Hulk Smash: BAD!”

As I tell my clients, “you are allowed to be crazy, but you aren’t allowed to act crazy. Being irritated as fuck because someone jacked the parking spot you were waiting for? Totally legit. Going postal over it? Not so helpful. Not so helpful to everyone around you, not so helpful to greater society, and – for purely selfish reasons – not so helpful to you.

Editors - When Anger Shows 

As we've discussed in previous installments of this series, emotions are just the brain's way of sending us information designed to make us take action. However, our brains were designed for the primitive world - a world where everyone thought and spoke like Hulk, and fighting or fleeing were pretty much the only responses available if we were faced with saber-toothed tiger or another neanderthal from the tribe down the track who carried a bigger club. Sadly, we don't live in those times anymore, much as our brains might like to think we do...

Technology has evolved faster than humans, so we have bodies adapted for simpler times. Instead of hunting, gathering, cuddling, and napping, we are crossing more terrain on a daily basis, interacting with more people, and taking in far more information than we are built to manage. It’s a continuous overload.

Gina Birch - I Am Rage

How do we deal with that overload and stop Hulking out at every little thing that doesn't go our way? That's what I'm going to try to figure out over the next few weeks (though it could actually take months - there's a lot to digest). Because I don't want to be angry all the time, for the reason Bill Bixby explained in the simplest terms possible, back when I was a kid. "You won't like me when I'm angry." And we all want to be liked, right?

Self-Help For Cynics #37: You'll Love Him

“Do you know Kevin? Kevin’s a great guy. You’d love him…”

The Chiffons - He's So Fine

There’s nothing more guaranteed to make me instantly predisposed to dislike someone than being told that I’ll love them. Why should this be?

Dave Travis - I Don't Like Him

I’m thinking back to when I worked in radio. When I moved into the advertising department, there was a guy already working in there who everybody liked. We’ll call him Kevin, because… no, I did that joke last week, didn’t I? He wasn’t called Kevin. But Kevin was the exact opposite of Bob, the guy everybody agrees is a dick. Kevin was wonderful. He was so witty and charming and talented and kind… seriously, you’d love him.

The Teddy Bears - To Know Him Is To Love Him 

The problem was, I didn’t take to Kevin at all. I just didn’t get what everybody else saw in him. I mean, he wasn’t a Bob-level dick, but out of everyone in the office, I found him by far the hardest to warm to, and definitely the least welcoming. He seemed a bit stand-offish, and I clearly got the impression he thought that he was better than me and that I didn’t deserve to be working in the same department as him. This was never overt, and you could well just put it down to my infamous paranoia, but I don’t think it was purely in my imagination.

Tom Petty - Don't Do Me Like That

Putting aside the (possibly paranoid) idea that Kevin treated me differently to everyone else he met, why else might I not like someone everyone else thought was great?

Billy Joel - Everybody Loves You Now

To try to answer this, I waded once more, neck-deep, into the sewers of the interweb, and the first link to come floating past was this one from Headspace: What happens in the brain when we dislike somebody?

Guess where the finger of blame gets pointed almost immediately? 

Yep, it’s our old friend the amygdala. When we decide we don’t like some, “’there is preferential activation of the amygdala’,” which means the brain region associated with fear and aggression flares up. This visceral, emotional reaction can spark a long-term pattern of dislike when it’s validated by action: if you perceive that someone has hurt you, your fear of them becomes rational.”

Morrissey - If You Don't Like Me, Don't Look At Me

Essentially, we’re back to the storytelling brain creating neural pathways in reaction to negative stimuli – it’s why I learned to hate New Order all over again. But this isn’t really answering my central question – why I dislike Kevin, when everyone else thinks he’s Superman.

The Psychmechanics get closer to a direct response…

When you instantly dislike someone, you’ve made a snap decision that they’re threatening based on minimal information.

Ah ha – tell me more! 

And they do… with six different suggestions as to why I disliked Kevin…

1. He’s different.

Humans are wired to like and bond with their own tribe.

This one is the basis for all forms of prejudice, especially racism. It’s about instinctively not liking anything that looks or appears different to you. Many of us are able to overcome this in-built reaction because we teach ourselves (or someone older and wiser has taught us) that it’s bullshit.

Of course, using your conscious mind, you can overcome this bias. This is why education is so valuable.

That’s what I was trying to say. 

Anyway, I can’t really apply this to Kevin. He wasn’t particularly different from me – we had the same skin colour, hair colour, similar height and weight… he wasn’t even a particularly good-looking dude for me to feel inferior to. And he liked or was interested in many of the same things as me. We were definitely from the same tribe, so there was no reason to take against him on the surface.

This Many Boyfriends - I Don't Like You ('Cos You Don't Like The Pastels) 

2. He reminds you of something threatening.

When you get that bad ‘vibe’ from someone without knowing why, it could be that they reminded you of a previous negative experience.

Again, I’m not sure I can make this fit. I’d encountered a lot of unpleasant people by this point in my life, but Kevin didn’t really remind me of any of them. Apart from people I’d met previously who everyone else seemed to like… hmm. Could that be a clue?

Sandie Shaw - There's Always Something There To Remind Me

3. They’ve previously threatened you.

This one’s more about suppressed memories of someone you’ve met before. Like, say, you meet the school bully twenty years later in a completely new context and you don’t even recognise him, but your subconscious mind does, and it’s this which sets your amygdala screaming.

Which is fair enough, but I’d never met Kevin prior to starting in the department. I’d seen him round the building, but that was about it. 

Except… when I had seen him around, I guess I’d seen him talking and laughing and getting on with other people… yet he’d never made any attempt to talk to me. Could it be that he’d taken an instant dislike to me? Did I remind him of something threatening? Was the problem with Kevin’s brain, not mine? I guess I’ll never know the answer to that one…

The Triffids - Bad News Always Remind Me Of You 

4. They’re competing with you.

OK, so, this is where it becomes murky. Because I was going to work in the advertising department with literally no previous experience. I had recently passed my English degree and was writing on a regular basis – I could easily evidence creativity, which is what got me the job… but I was new to the concept of using creativity to sell things. Kevin, on the other hand, was seen as the star writer in the department. He’d won awards!

Belinda Carlisle - (We Want) The Same Thing 

When you come across someone competing with you for what you want, you instinctively dislike them.

It could be:

·        A smarter coworker who could outsmart you and perform better

·        A hard-working coworker who could outwork you

·        A sycophantic coworker trying to win your boss’s favors

·        An attractive person courting your crush

Hang on a second, so you’re suggesting the reason I didn’t like Kevin is that I was jealous of him?

Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy

Jealousy is often a big reason for disliking someone for no apparent reason. Jealousy results from upward social comparison. You see someone who’s better than you or has what you want, and you feel jealous.

The Black Crowes - Jealous Again

That stings. That really stings. But I have to accept it as a possibility for why I didn’t like Kevin. Although it doesn’t really explain why he didn’t like me. Unless that was all in my imagination.

Or… prior to going for that job in advertising, I had made a (small) name for myself in the station on air. (This was prior to the arrival of my nemesis, the programme controller I referred to as “Tim Allen” during my long-running series about my days in commercial radio.) The show I co-presented featured quite a lot of creative content – comedy sketches and characters that went down well with the listeners, though I’m sure I’d cringe myself to death if I heard any of them again today. Anyway, I’d been on air doing all this “funny” stuff for a few years prior to my move into commercial production… and chances are Kevin had heard some of that. Maybe he’d formed an impression of me from that (“he’s just not funny”) or maybe – longshot, I know, but we need to cover all bases in answering this question – maybe he was a teensy bit jealous of me. Yeah, he’d been winning the awards, but only for writing ads. He hadn’t been doing the funny stuff just for funny’s sake. Maybe he was angry I’d had that opportunity and he (being clearly much more talented) hadn’t. Anything’s possible.

Ann Peebles - It Was Jealousy

5. You want to hide from yourself.

Say what now?

People tend to hide their flaws and ignore the qualities they need to develop. So, when they come across someone having the same flaws as them or having the qualities they want, they hide again.

For example:

You lack confidence, and confident people put you off.

Nail, thy head is hitteth, you might well be thinking.

And it’s perfectly feasible that this is the answer: Kevin was a confident guy and I hated his confidence. Although it’s equally possible that he was just as insecure as I was, but much better at hiding it and coming across as confident. Which would link back to my longshot from #4… but this is all supposition, there’s no science to it at all.

The Smirks - Angry With Myself

6. Their nonverbals are off.

When we meet people, we’re constantly making snap judgments about them. If they display welcoming and open body language, we feel good. If they show closed body language, we feel off.

Clearly, this is the case with Kevin – he actively went out of his way to get on with everybody else in the office, but stayed cool around me. And that’s still the case to this day when I bump into him in the book of faces. One of my (friendly) old colleagues will post a photo or a memory from our past and various people will leave a nostalgic comment… and there’s me and Kevin in the same (virtual) room all over again, talking to everybody else but ignoring each other. 

We’re quick to put people in the ‘friend’ or ‘foe’ category because, again, the mind doesn’t want to take any chances. It makes these critical decisions based on minimal information gleaned from body language, facial expressions, and voice tone.

Isaac Hayes - Body Language

The ironic thing is, Kevin left soon after I joined the department (was it me?) and went on to a successful career writing for TV comedy shows. Despite many attempts to follow in his footsteps, that never happened for me. Maybe that’s because he was more talented than me… or maybe it’s because he was more confident. It doesn’t really matter in the end: he won. And here I am, thirty years later, still fretting over this, while I doubt he's given me a second thought...

And yes, there's a reason I called him Kevin...

Self-Help For Cynics #36: Bob

Alice Cooper - Nobody Likes Me

There’s this guy I work with who is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick. We’ll call him Bob. Because his name is Robert Brown and his address is 32 Acacia Gardens, LS3 6JN. OK, I made that up for the purpose of the joke. He’s not really called Bob. That is his actual address though, if you want to go push rotting vegetables through his letterbox.

Prince - Bob George

The interesting thing about Bob is that I’m not the only one who thinks he’s a dick. Everyone in our office feels the same. (Fortunately, he doesn’t work in our office, he’s in the one down the corridor. Yet I seriously suspect that many of the people who work in that office also think he’s a dick.)

I Don't Know How But They've Found Me - Nobody Likes The Opening Band

However, Bob is not, on the surface, an unpleasant person. He’ll always say hello with a smile and ask how you’re doing. And he’ll tip his head slightly to one side as you answer, to show that he’s listening. But surface is all it is. You can just tell. Underneath he’s shallow and self-important, probably lazy, vain and dishonest: a textbook narcissist.

Go-Kart Mozart - We're Selfish & Lazy & Greedy

Given that the people I work with all have different likes and dislikes, different interests, cares and concerns (although they’re all pretty decent folk – no Tories, for example), how come we’ve all arrived, pretty independently, at the same conclusion when it comes to Bob? We don’t share the same unified opinion about everyone else in the world – certain of my colleagues might even have a good word to say about Tom Hanks, Noel Gallagher or Scrappy Doo, for example, and I won’t hold it against them. So why do we all think Bob is a dick?

The Wedding Present - Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft

Scientists and psychologists have a number of answers for the Everyone Thinks He’s A Dick phenomenon. The first of those is plain, old-fashioned narcissism. You’re probably aware that the word comes from Narcissus, a character from Ovid's Metamorphoses who is cursed by the gods to fall in love with his own reflection. When he realises his reflection won’t ever love him back, he dies of a broken heart. In the early 20^th century, various psychoanalysts began to use the term narcissism to refer to people who are condescending, feel superior to others, are preoccupied with admiration, and exhibit a lack of empathy. Just like Bob.

Trixie's Big Red Motorbike - Norman And Narcissus

On a side note, I was interested to read that German psychoanalyst Karen Horney believed narcissism existed on a sliding scale “that ranged from healthy self-esteem to a pathological state”. Which suggests that the only way you can claim not to be a narcissist is if you believe you’re actually a bit rubbish. I guess I’m safe there then.

Hapshash & The Coloured Coat - Blue Narcissus

Beyond narcissism, we get to a more modern definition of why everyone thinks Bob is a dick: affective presence. Coined by psychologists Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein as recently as 2010, their study suggests that some people have the gift – or the curse – to make everyone feel good about them… or to think they’re a dick.

Mindtools explains…

Some individuals exert a palpable emotional influence that can either make others feel at ease, or uneasy.

Satan's Rats - You Make Me Sick

Affective presence refers to how we make other people feel, just by being around them, regardless of our own emotions or intentions. It's an overall, lasting effect we leave on others.

Swans - You Fucking People Make Me Sick

The researchers were clear to draw a line between affective presence and another phenomenon known as “emotional contagion” – which is basically how happy people might make you feel more happy and miserable people might make you want to slit your own wrists. (Besides, we all know this isn’t always the case – overly positive people can be a pain in the arse, whereas depressives with a sense of humour can sometimes cheer you up… I hope, anyway.)

The Skodas - Everybody Thinks Everybody Else Is Dead Bad 

Scientific American drills into the affective presence research in a little more depth, revealing an interesting nugget that I’ll leave you to ponder on, as it seems to me to be at the root of Bob’s problems…

In the research group, people who “described themselves as both ‘extroverted’ and ‘disagreeable’ were more likely to have a negative effect on” others. You may well ask why anyone would go out of their way to describe themselves as ‘disagreeable’? (I’m not sure Bob would… but then, I’m trying to limit the time I spend in his presence, so I’m not going to ask him). It's an interesting combination though - somewhere between Timmy Mallett and Jeremy Clarkson. Now imagine having to work with that!

Self Help For Cynics #35: People Ain't No Good

Lloyd Cole - People Ain't No Good

Last week, we talked about hating people, and I came to the conclusion that I didn't really hate people, but actually it's "all just an act to paper over insecurity, a tragic lack of self-confidence and a Grand Canyon of loneliness in perpetual conflict with an innate desire to be on my own".

Felt - All the People I Like Are Those That Are Dead

Just as I thought I'd talked myself out of misanthropy, C replied...

You're in good company Rol, I think nearly all the best people I know are people-haters, which doesn't really make a lot of sense and yet somehow it does!

Richard Cheese - People = Shit

And then I remembered the postcard at the top of this page, which Louise bought me some time ago; it's pinned on the wall next to my desk. You may find it interesting to note that Louise ordered two copies. There's also one pinned up on the wall next to her desk. Make of that what you will...

I can't understand
What makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand

Depeche Mode - People Are People

The jury's still out on hating people then, but here's something I thing we can all agree on: people are very, very annoying.

James - Born Of Frustration

But why is this so?

"They just are!" I heard you cry.

Napoleon - I Try To Despise The Ugly People (But The Beautiful Ones Keep Turning Me Down)

OK, let's start with an easier question. Why does our brain get annoyed?

To answer that, we need an MC...

Ring the bell, school's back in!

MC Hammer - U Can't Touch This

Not that MC. Here's MC Flux, psychologist, neuroscientist and science communicator from the University of Colorado, as quoted in the Grauniad. He says annoyance is “moderately negative, and moderate arousal... it’s basically a flag, saying: ‘Something is wrong, and I should probably do something about it.’”

Green Day - Warning

Now, I'm tiptoeing around this subject because I don't want to get onto anger until I've read sweary Dr. Faith's next book on my reading list, Unfuck Your Anger. And clearly anger is the next step on from annoyance. However, it should come as no surprise that our old friend the amygdala is the main culprit responsible for such emotions. Healthline says,

Anger starts with the amygdala stimulating the hypothalamus, much like in the fear response. In addition, parts of the prefrontal cortex may also play a role in anger.

Frustration, such as facing roadblocks while trying to achieve a goal, can also trigger the anger response.

Now we know what's going on in our brain... but we've still not answered the big question: why are people so annoying? Or should that be: why do I find people so annoying? Are they the same question... or two very different questions?

The Doors - People Are Strange

That Guardian article I mentioned earlier highlights four key answers to the first question: "uncouth habits, inconsiderate acts, intrusive behaviors and norm violations". I think a lot of these come down to what I'd label a lack of empathy, emotional awareness... or just plain arrogance. And once we get onto the subject of arrogance, I need another post. Or ten.

Dean Wareham - Heartless People

Meanwhile, therapist Julia Kristina has an uncomfortable answer to the second question...

Those unfavourable qualities, habits, or tendencies of someone else we react negatively to are really just our own shortcomings that we have turned our back on and refuse to own up to.

They always clap on the wrong beat
They're wearin' loafers on their feet
Greedy awful people!

The Stooges - Greedy Awful People

Ouch. I think I'm going to have to come back to that one as well. But just in case anyone here thinks of me as an annoying person, I consulted Indeed for some tips on how to eliminate my own annoying behaviour...

Be an active listener

This is actually really easy if you don't have much to say for yourself.

The Ramones - Learn To Listen

Focus on the positives

Easier said than done, as discussed some time ago.

Sam Cooke - Ac-cent-tchu-ate The Positive 

Speak at a normal volume

Louise does sometimes get embarrassed when we're out in public (not often, to be honest) as she claims I speak louder than I need to. I don't think I do, but then I am partially deaf...

OMD - Talking Loud And Clear

Avoid interrupting others

Science For People butts in a this point...

Many annoying people don’t even realize they’re being annoying in the first place. Annoying people might violate various social norms, be incompatible with others, try too hard to make others laugh, or even take a phone call while in a quiet library.

Did you know that you could even be the “irritating person” because you’re too positive?

Oh, yes. I knew this.

This type of positivity is known as toxic positivity—and it’s a real thing.

You don't need to tell me twice. There's a post in that as well. 

Georgie Fame - Bird In A World Of People

Clearly, I've only scratched the surface of our central question: Why are people so annoying? There's a lot more to uncover in future weeks...

Self-Help For Cynics #34: Hating Everybody

Julian Cope - World, Shut Your Mouth

Reading back through one of those old APAs I found in my mum’s attic, and I came across a throwaway line that demonstrated how much of a curmudgeon I was in my youth. “My thesis on why I hate the world, I’ll save till next time.” With an attitude like that, it’s a wonder I ever made any friends. 

Cream - World Of Pain

I wondered if it was possible to offer a little psychoanalysis to my 20 year old self, so I took advantage of Captain Google (who wasn’t a twinkle in Larry Page and Sergey Brin’s eye back in 1992) to ask…

Why did I hate people?

Big G - I Hate The Whole Human Race

A website calling itself Very Well Mind (which I tried not to be too judgemental about) immediately stuck up its hand and started waving it about in a “pick me, pick ME!” kind of way, so let’s see what it has to say…

The reality is that no one likes every single person they’ve met. However, some people reach a stage where they get so annoyed, hurt, or frustrated with people or circumstances that they feel like they hate everyone.

Kimberley Rew - Stomping All Over The World

Clearly, this was 20 year old me. “But why?” I hear you cry. 32 years later, I’m not sure I have a definite answer to that, but here are some of Very Well Mind’s suggestions…

Stress

I’m not sure I had a lot to be stressed about at 20. I had a loving family, a home where I felt safe and cared for, a job I enjoyed with people who (ironically) I didn’t hate (well, most of them, anyway) and I was starting to earn a slither of money. I was back at uni, but that was free in the early 90s and because I went to a local uni, I wasn’t running up any kind of debt. No, then, I don’t think I can blame my post-teenage misanthropy on stress.

Black - Learning How To Hate

Social anxiety / Introverted personality

Now we might be getting nearer the cause, but again, this isn’t an obvious win. I’ve always felt a degree of social anxiety, and that’s certainly something I can deal with much better now than when I was young. And while I am by nature an introvert, I’ve always been able to fake being an extrovert. Which is how I ended up on the radio… although, unlike most radio presenters, I wasn’t a sunny, cheer up your day personality… I was a grumpy, sarcastic anti-personality. Hence the fact that they didn’t ever give me my own solo show, but also paired me with a “straight man” who could offer a little light to contrast my dark. 

Harald Thune - The Power Of Hate

Ideological differences

I think this is more likely to explain why 52 year old me gets wound up by large swathes of the human race, rather than my 20 year old self. I wasn’t really that bothered back then.

Dancer - Hate Generator

A Doctor Kristen Farrell Turner, quoted on Very Well Mind says… 

…feeling hatred toward others will rob you of enjoyable life experiences. Not only does hatred require a great deal of cognitive and emotional energy, it also inhibits you from connecting with others and enriching your life.

The Beautiful South - In Other Words I Hate You

Looking back, I’m not sure I was robbing myself of enjoyable life experiences. In radio, I found a setting in which my grumpiness was actually a way of getting ahead, and I was using that to make people laugh and build new opportunities. 

Did 20 year old me really hate the world? 

Did he heck. 

It was all just an act to paper over insecurity, a tragic lack of self-confidence and a Grand Canyon of loneliness in perpetual conflict with an innate desire to be on my own. None of which has changed in the intervening years… I’ve just become a better actor.

Self-Help For Cynics #33: Boredom, Boredom, B'dum, B'dum

Buzzcocks - Boredom

Imagine you’re standing in line in a coffee shop, waiting to be served. It’s a long line and all the people in front of you are ordering those silly drinks that involve whipped cream, caramel syrup and heart attacks. What might you do to entertain yourself?

Iggy Pop - I'm Bored

Now imagine you’re sitting at a bus stop and the bus is late. These days, lots of city centre bus stops have those little clocks fitted which tell you how long you have to wait till the next bus arrives. Only instead of counting down, that number just seems to be stuck… or even getting bigger. How might you pass the time?

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives - Wheels Of Boredom

Finally, imagine you’ve arranged to meet friends in the pub, at the cinema, or somewhere in the centre of town. Only they’re running late and you’ve got nothing to do but wait. Or… is there something else you could be doing?

Edwyn Collins - Bored

If your answer to any of those questions involves checking your phone, then you’re suffering one of the major symptoms of the modern malaise. And hey, maybe you’re not going on Tiktok or Snapchat or the book of faces… maybe you’re doing some online banking, trying to crack today’s Wordle or reading a fascinating blog post about how many different bands there are called The Jerks (quite a few, in case you’re wondering: I’m sure I’ll get to them in due course). Whatever it is, I can pretty much guarantee you’re not doing what you would have done in this same situation 30 or 40 years ago. You’re not allowing yourself to be bored.

And your brain is suffering because of that.

We’ve talked a fair bit about the mental health dangers of internet and social media addiction during this series. Part of the problem is ease of access. When the internet arrived on the scene about 30 years ago, you had to sit down at a computer, dial it up (which could take up to 5 minutes in my house) and then crawl around a clunky, always crashing cyberspace with limited options and plenty of built-in frustration. 

Bis - Dial Up Internet Is The Purest Internet

Remember watching slowly while every image on the page downloaded like one of those novelty pens you turn upside down to watch the lady slowly lose her clothing? (I don’t know why that particular simile popped into my mind. It’s not as though anybody ever used the internet to look at naked pictures.)

The Divine Comedy - Anthem for Bored Youth

That’s all changed. Today, we carry the internet with us wherever we go, so every possible distraction is available instantly, any time we want it. Queueing up in a coffee shop, waiting for the bus, killing time in response to ever-delayed friends… we need never be bored again! You see it everywhere you look. Whenever people are alone with nothing to do, out comes their phone. They don’t even have to be standing or sitting still. They’re even using it as a distraction from the interminable emptiness of walking down the street (watch out for that lamp post!).

And our brains are suffering because of this.

Paul Armfield - Why Should It Be That a Man Gets Bored?

In a 2018 article in the Grauniad, Psychotherapist Hilda Burke explains...

“It’s good to be bored sometimes, to have that dead time. That’s when ideas come. If we’re on our phone checking Facebook, we lose some precious time that previously we used for daydreaming: gazing out of the window and having ideas blossom.”

Manic Street Preachers - Happy Bored Alone

Once you start reading up on this, you'll find hundreds of articles dedicated to the benefits of boredom. Scientists, business leaders and new age hippies all agree - being bored is good for your brain. We all know we get eyestrain if we stare at screens too long. Turns out we also get brain strain. 

Chris Spedding - Bored Bored

Scientist Catherine Price, author of How to Break Up With Your Phone runs digital detox sessions for chronic screen addicts to help them repair their brains. Tech writer Kevin Roose of the New York Times consulted her when he became aware of his own addiction...

My symptoms were all the typical ones: I found myself incapable of reading books, watching full-length movies or having long uninterrupted conversations. Social media made me angry and anxious, and even the digital spaces I once found soothing (group texts, podcasts, YouTube rabbit holes) weren’t helping. 

Procol Harum - Boredom

In his article, Roose explains how he went about a full digital detox...

If I was going to repair my brain, I needed to practice doing nothing. So during my morning walk to the office, I looked up at the buildings around me, spotting architectural details I’d never noticed before. On the subway, I kept my phone in my pocket and people-watched — noticing the nattily dressed man in the yellow hat, the teens eating hot tacos and laughing, the kid with Velcro shoes. When a friend ran late for our lunch, I sat still and stared out the window instead of checking Twitter.

Chris Difford - On My Own, I'm Never Bored

Since starting my new job, I finally find myself in a privileged position of being able to do nothing at certain times of the day. I mostly teach students 1:1 or in small groups, and in English that will often involve setting a lengthy task (creative writing is best) and then letting students get on with it. In my old job, I would have used that time to circulate the room, answer questions, help people who were stuck... and if time permitted, maybe catch up on a bit of marking or paperwork. In my current job, I get to stare out the window. How wonderful is that? I realise, I'm very fortunate. Most teachers would kill for the same opportunity. I wish I could give them all the gift of boredom... the profession would be in a much healthier state if it was full of bored teachers rather than teachers on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The Walkmen - I'm Never Bored

Although, to be honest, I'm not really sure boredom is what we're talking about here. If you asked me if I was ever bored, my first response would probably be: never. I always have a million and one things I want to do... or think about. The only time I do feel bored is when I'm stuck doing something I don't want to... like a lengthy meeting or an interminable online training session about something I already know. When I talk about giving the gift of boredom, that's not what I want to offer. What I really want is to give you all the chance to get busy... doing nothing.  

Bing Crosby - Busy Doing Nothing

Richard M. Sherman - Busy Doing Nothing

Allowing our minds to wander can be hugely beneficial to our wellbeing, our imagination and our creativity. Surely this is great news for everyone - doing nothing is good for us!