Self-Help For Cynics #34: Hating Everybody

Julian Cope - World, Shut Your Mouth

Reading back through one of those old APAs I found in my mum’s attic, and I came across a throwaway line that demonstrated how much of a curmudgeon I was in my youth. “My thesis on why I hate the world, I’ll save till next time.” With an attitude like that, it’s a wonder I ever made any friends. 

Cream - World Of Pain

I wondered if it was possible to offer a little psychoanalysis to my 20 year old self, so I took advantage of Captain Google (who wasn’t a twinkle in Larry Page and Sergey Brin’s eye back in 1992) to ask…

Why did I hate people?

Big G - I Hate The Whole Human Race

A website calling itself Very Well Mind (which I tried not to be too judgemental about) immediately stuck up its hand and started waving it about in a “pick me, pick ME!” kind of way, so let’s see what it has to say…

The reality is that no one likes every single person they’ve met. However, some people reach a stage where they get so annoyed, hurt, or frustrated with people or circumstances that they feel like they hate everyone.

Kimberley Rew - Stomping All Over The World

Clearly, this was 20 year old me. “But why?” I hear you cry. 32 years later, I’m not sure I have a definite answer to that, but here are some of Very Well Mind’s suggestions…

Stress

I’m not sure I had a lot to be stressed about at 20. I had a loving family, a home where I felt safe and cared for, a job I enjoyed with people who (ironically) I didn’t hate (well, most of them, anyway) and I was starting to earn a slither of money. I was back at uni, but that was free in the early 90s and because I went to a local uni, I wasn’t running up any kind of debt. No, then, I don’t think I can blame my post-teenage misanthropy on stress.

Black - Learning How To Hate

Social anxiety / Introverted personality

Now we might be getting nearer the cause, but again, this isn’t an obvious win. I’ve always felt a degree of social anxiety, and that’s certainly something I can deal with much better now than when I was young. And while I am by nature an introvert, I’ve always been able to fake being an extrovert. Which is how I ended up on the radio… although, unlike most radio presenters, I wasn’t a sunny, cheer up your day personality… I was a grumpy, sarcastic anti-personality. Hence the fact that they didn’t ever give me my own solo show, but also paired me with a “straight man” who could offer a little light to contrast my dark. 

Harald Thune - The Power Of Hate

Ideological differences

I think this is more likely to explain why 52 year old me gets wound up by large swathes of the human race, rather than my 20 year old self. I wasn’t really that bothered back then.

Dancer - Hate Generator

A Doctor Kristen Farrell Turner, quoted on Very Well Mind says… 

…feeling hatred toward others will rob you of enjoyable life experiences. Not only does hatred require a great deal of cognitive and emotional energy, it also inhibits you from connecting with others and enriching your life.

The Beautiful South - In Other Words I Hate You

Looking back, I’m not sure I was robbing myself of enjoyable life experiences. In radio, I found a setting in which my grumpiness was actually a way of getting ahead, and I was using that to make people laugh and build new opportunities. 

Did 20 year old me really hate the world? 

Did he heck. 

It was all just an act to paper over insecurity, a tragic lack of self-confidence and a Grand Canyon of loneliness in perpetual conflict with an innate desire to be on my own. None of which has changed in the intervening years… I’ve just become a better actor.

The List #3: Records I Can't Buy

A few more songs from the never-ending list of tunes I'm trying to keep up with... and this time, it's all tunes I can't buy on CD.

Often, I find myself listening to an album on the interweb or via some other magical means, and I like it so much that I want a copy on the shelf. Lately however, I've come across a number of records that are just not available on CD. In some cases, it's a vinyl (or cassette!?) only release... in other cases, the record is only available digitally, like this one from Howell Dawdy...

I've featured tracks from Howell's 2021 album Smells Like Love here before. It's only 8 songs long, but every one's a winner and I'd gladly shell out some coppers for a physical copy. Sadly, Howell appears to be an internet-only guy...

Howell Dawdy - Men In Love Don't Judge

In a similar vein, we find Norwegian Americana star Harald Thune, whose 2020 album The Backbounceability of Humans was a particular favourite during Lockdown. 

Harald's website is a little sparse, with spaces for biog and tour details, but not even a tab for shopping, and his music appears only to be available via streaming. Which is a shame, because there's a Harald-shaped hole on my CD shelf...

Harald Thune - Early Morning Rain

Kevin Morby is considerably more well known than either Harald or Howell, yet his last record was only released on vinyl. 

This is a tragedy as it's a companion piece to his previous album, 2020's This Is A Photograph, a CD that has pride of place in my collection. I'd love to own a piece of plastic and paper containing the follow-up, but it looks unlikely to happen...

Kevin Morby - Triumph

Finally today, it's these guys again.

So desperate am I to own a CD copy of the debut album by Wolves of Glendale that I went on their website (where it's vinyl only, I'm afraid) and emailed them through the "Contact Us" link asking if a CD was forthcoming. No reply. 

Maybe CDs really are a dead format.

Oh well, here's a cautionary tale about the hidden dangers of gym membership...

Self-Help For Cynics #21: Welcoming

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again...

Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound Of Silence

I called this series Self-Help For Cynics because I've always been very cynical about most kinds of Self-Help. The dictionary tells me...

The words misanthropic and pessimistic are common synonyms of cynical. While all three words mean "deeply distrustful," cynical implies having a sneering disbelief in sincerity or integrity. 

I reckon I'm all three of those, but I'm trying to change... and writing this series is a big step towards doing that.

Steve Wynn - Crawling Misanthropic Blues

Fallover 24 - Pessimistic Man

Amy Rigby - Cynically Yours

That said, I'm willing to accept that my cynicism has taken a bit of a back seat in recent editions of this feature. In fact, beyond the odd "that might not work for you, but it could be worth a try" sort of comment, I've pretty much gone along with everything I've read.

Dan Bern - Welcome

Today though, we cover an idea that has me raising an eyebrow like Roger Moore and scrunching up my face like Les Dawson. You might argue it's not possible to do both at the same time, but in my head at least, that's what I'm doing.

Welcome to Welcoming.

Alice Cooper - Welcome To My Nightmare

In the last few nail-biting editions of SHFC, we've discussed how it's best to confront your emotions head on rather than avoiding them, bottling them up or trying to distract yourself from them. The more I read, the more I see this advice given as a way of rewiring our amygdala / monkey brain, teaching it not to panic or feel anxiety in certain situations and gradually becoming a lot more chilled in the process. 

My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade

"Feel the fear and do it anyway!" was the mantra that I rebuffed in my younger days. Now I'm grudgingly having to accept there might be something to it. However, there's a school of thought that takes this idea one step further and suggests we take time to actively welcome negative emotions. Monkey Brain Guru Dr. Jennifer Shannon explains...

When you experience fight-or-flight sensations but there is no immediate threat, it is a false alarm. Regardless of how urgent these sensations seem, resisting them will only prolong them. Pointless as they seem to be, uncomfortable sensations, like negative emotions, are necessary. The more we can welcome them, the more easily they will metabolise.

The Electric Soft Parade - Welcome To The Weirdness

At best, this sounds to me like wallowing. At worst? Could it be a form of sadomasochism? Not according to the New York Times... 

...researchers found that people who habitually judge negative feelings — such as sadness, fear and anger — as bad or inappropriate have more anxiety and depression symptoms and feel less satisfied with their lives than people who generally perceive their negative emotions in a positive or neutral light.

I took a moment to think about this in terms of music, and I wondered about famously "miserable" lyricists like Leonard Cohen, Townes Van Zandt or The Pope Of Mope himself, Stephen Patrick M-Word... were they actually happier because they "welcomed" their negative emotions? Although if that's really the case, welcoming didn't work for Nick Drake, Elliott Smith or Kurt Cobain, did it? 

Elliott Smith - Everything Means Nothing To Me

Then I thought back to the opening lines of Nick Hornby's High Fidelity, as memorably delivered by John Cusack...

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

...and I thought... I thought... actually, maybe this provides an answer to that conundrum. Why do I like miserable music? Because it allows me to welcome negative emotions, thereby lessening their hold on me.

Rodney Allen - Happy Sad

If that were the case though, wouldn't the Goths and Emos be the most well-adjusted members of society? Maybe they are...

The Divine Comedy - The Happy Goth

Look! I found a website called "HAPPIFY"! Pour your cynicism on that, fellow misanthropes! But first, let's hear their advice...

When you feel out of sorts, centre yourself with a few deep breaths and connect inward to the emotion you're experiencing. Give it a name, and allow it the space to simply be. Say, "Hello, sadness" if that's what you're feeling, and let it roam freely until it's ready to leave—because emotions are fleeting by their very nature.

Los Campesinos! - Hello Sadness

Scientists have done a variety of studies to back this up, because that's what scientists do. One involved getting volunteers to dip their hands into an ice water bath. Half the group were told to try to ignore or deny the uncomfortable sensations they felt, while the other half were told to accept the discomfort of the freezing cold. Guess who managed to keep their hands in the bath the longest? 

Brendan Benson - Cold Hands (Warm Heart) 

You might argue that actively seeking to accept or even prolong uncomfortable feelings could be rather counter-productive... or even self-destructive...  but not according to that New York Times article I mentioned earlier.

“What one resists, persists,” said Amanda Shallcross, a naturopathic physician who studies emotion regulation at the Cleveland Clinic. When you avoid your emotions, “you’re bound to experience longer-term negative mental and physical health.”

Faron Young - Hello Walls

Dr. Jennifer Shannon calls negative feelings "necessary feelings" and invites us not only to welcome them, but to provoke them. She suggests practicing by welcoming everyday anxiety-causing situations such as arriving late, listening to someone complain about you, or being in a long queue. I actually tried this final one last week when I was stuck on the M1 for an hour on my way to work. I sat there and I paid attention to what I was feeling, how my body was handling the anxiety... and I can honestly say that it did help, I didn't get as wound up as I normally would. It didn't stop me badly needing a wee though.

James Taylor - Traffic Jam

Taking this one step further, Dr. Shannon suggests "actually triggering your own negative feelings to welcome". Here are some of her suggestions...

• Listen to a political candidate you dislike (to be fair, that could be any of them, but Trump's imminent return is enough to cause any sane person sleepless nights)
• Watch a movie you know you won't like (life's too short for Tom Hanks, I'm sorry)
• Turn on some music you find distasteful...

U2 - With Or Without You

I'm sorry, Dr. Shannon, but you can take this welcoming stuff too far, you know!

Remember that when you do welcoming exercises, you are not attempting to get rid of or control the feeling, nor are you trying to like the feeling.

U2 - Beautiful Day

So it's just about learning to suffer?

You are simply welcoming whatever emotion arises in that moment with your breath. Breathe in to accept the feeling. Breathe out to let go of control.

U2 - The Sweetest Thing

No. I'm sorry. This is too hard. Why would I want to do this again?

You are getting good at feeling bad.

Ah. Well, in that case...

Watching those three videos - welcoming the music of U2, you might say - did enable me to properly understand my reaction to this band. I realised it's not so much the music that causes me an unpleasant reaction... it's just Bono's smug, supremely punchable face. And that's useful, because as this series has proven time and time again, the more we understand our emotions and reactions, the easier they are to accept. 

Here's something nice to wash that unpleasant taste out of your ears: Norwegian Americana hero Harald Thune, doing his own bit of welcoming...

Positive Songs For Negative Times #53: Breaking Point?

The above tweet, which has gone viral over the past week, pretty much explains why things are quieter than normal around here at the moment.

I can't begin to tell you the farce of this year's predicted grades situation - particularly the last minute expectations that have been dropped on teachers everywhere, for things which would only ever have been truly possible if we'd been able to plan and prepare for them from the start of the year.

And as usual, nobody wants to take responsibility. Or give you a straight answer. Even the people setting the agenda obfuscate wildly and pass the buck when asked direct questions about interpreting the meaning of the rules that they have set down.

Every year, my job becomes more stressful. This latest episode though... it's enough to break me.

And don't even start me on the management response...

Here's another song from that Harald Thune album, The Bouncebackability of Humans, which is about the only thing keeping me going at the moment... the idea that I might one day bounce back.

Listening to this, you can see why Kris Kristofferson is a fan. It's a bleak tale of a drunken overreaction to a situation ("I hit the wrong man!") followed by bitter recriminations ("I'm a waste of space, I'm a god-damn dog..."). At least someone's having a worse day that me...

 

Positive Songs For Negative Times #49: The Backbounceability of Humans

Just prior to the easing of lockdown last weekend, we tested the limits of what was "local" in order to take a walk round some (quite) nearby National Trust gardens. We weren't arrested for it, and we got to see the above colourful eggs (along with a brightly painted bench - much more impressive than a Happy Bench - that Sam sat on). It was a mini art installation in the woods, but without pretention, and the pretty colours contrasted well with the early Spring gloom. I say all this to counter yesterday's misanthropy... in case it's not already too late.

As lockdown eases one step back on the roadmap to a brighter future... how are you all doing? I'm still on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but at least I've had half a hair cut. Louise bought some clippers online and shaved the back and sides... but she daren't touch the top. Apparently I now resemble a Peaky Blinder (as long as it's not Tom Hardy) or a slightly younger David Lynch. But I feel better for it. Other than that, not much else to report.

Here's some Norwegian Americana to take your mind off it all. Harald Thune may hail from the Land of the Midnight Sun, but he's got a voice many Nashville musicians would kill for. Don't believe me? Ask the recently retired Kris Kristofferson, who declared: “This guy is good; this guy is really damn good!” 

Harald's latest album is called The Backbounceability of Humans, a very appropriate title for these troubled times. Here's wishing you all a good dose of backbounceability with the lead single, Hello, Trouble!