Emergency Questions #9: New Laws

The Hives - The Hives Are Law, You Are Crime

Another conversation query from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Where do we begin? Perhaps by asking a couple of pop stars what laws they might institute...

There oughta be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones

Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man

You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration

Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday

As for myself...

Ian McNabb - There Oughta be a Law

The obvious one - a law banning Audi drivers. Or should I just ban Audis? No, no, guns don't kill people: people kill people. It's the people who want to own an Audi and drive it like a scumbag because they think they're better than everyone else... they're the real threat to society.

And there definitely ought to be a law against people who drive vehicles that break the sound barrier. You with your twin exhausts or your motorbike engines that sound like an angry road drill when you rev them up. At 11 o'clock at night. When decent folk are trying to sleep.

Wolves of Glendale - Loud Ass Car

How about a law forbidding you from having a nice long chat with your mates in the supermarket while blocking the aisle and preventing access to the frozen peas?

Or a law that forces bartenders to serve people in the actual order they got to the bar, not just the pushy / attractive ones first? (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink and therefore goes up to a bar about twice a year. This law is more for your benefit that mine.)

Kris Kristofferson - The Law Is For Protection Of The People

Better yet, a law that creates two separate queues in coffee shops. A slow queue for anyone ordering a mocha-choca-spocka-latte with whipped cream and sprinkles or any drink that involves crushed ice. And a fast track queue for people who just want coffee. Black coffee. We're not even pfaffing about with frothy steamed milk. We just want our drink. Fast.

Mickey & Sylvia - There Oughta Be A Law

And what about a law to outlaw anyone I can't stand? 

Bono. The Gallaghers. Michael McIntyre. 

When I am king, to quote Radiohead, you will be first against the wall...

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Not to mention the ones for whom - I'm sorry - a firing squad is too good.

Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Nigel Farage. Andrew Tate.

I hope there's plenty of room in that Suffolk ditch...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Emergency Questions #7: Demolition

As always, I'm indebted to Richard Herring for giving us something to talk about on a Friday - from his book Emergency Questions.

Have you ever demolished a wall or a building?

The Style Council - Walls Coming Tumbling Down

Ken Sharp - Break Down The Walls

Kiss - When Your Walls Come Down

Growing up among a family of builders, there was always the opportunity to wreck things. Before side-stepping into building houses, my brother specialised in demolition. I never really accompanied him on any of these wrecking jobs, but I'd see him knocking stuff down for my dad around the farm every now and then. My greatest memory of his destructive tendencies involved my first bike, which he drove over with his JCB when I made the mistake of leaving it in the yard. My sister carried it back into the house and held it up to show me what had happened... but it wasn't until she turned it side on that I realised it was flat.

Electric Soft Parade - Holes In The Wall

Smokie - When The Walls Comes Down

Broken Records - The Crumbling Wall

My dad was a joiner by trade, but he could turn his hand to most jobs. He built sheds, turned our old barn into the house my Mum still lives in today, and single-handedly wood-panelled the house I grew up in to within an inch of its life. Wood panelling was very big back in the 70s, especially if you were a joiner. There was always some DIY project ongoing, despite the fact he had a full time job at the car auctions and also managed the farm. 

Kris Kristofferson - Let The Walls Come Down

Def Leppard - When The Walls Came Tumbling Down

Suzanne Vega - Crack in the Wall

I do have one specific memory of a demolition job that I got involved in, and this was when I was very young... maybe 4 or 5. There was a wall down the side of the staircase that my dad had started knocking down so that he could make the small sitting room a bit more open plan. This was an old farmhouse, so all the walls were built of stone - no plasterboard when that place was built. Removing the wall was taking him some time (in between all his other jobs), but one morning he and my Mum woke up very early to the sound of hammering... only to discover me sitting on the stairs with a lump hammer in my hand, cheerfully knocking out the bricks. I guess I wanted to be like my dad...

The Mendoza Line - Before I Hit the Wall

There was one song I had to play today, but I really couldn't choose between the two best versions. So here they both are...

Plus one more relevant tune that I haven't heard in years...

Snapshots Spillover: More Musical Maths

A few more musical equations left over from this weekend's Maths test...

We start with the lead singer of the Quireboys.

No - wait - come back! His solo work might surprise you...

Ginger Wildheart - Minus You

Next, the obvious one... which I would have included were it not for the fact that I'm running out of clues to help you guess Radiohead...

Radiohead 2+2=5

I'm guessing George might ask them to show their working on that one. 

And then there's this much-covered song from Mr. Zimmerman...

Bob Dylan - Love Minus Zero

And old KK has an interesting way of calculating what year he's living in...

Kris Kristofferson - The Year 2000 Minus 25

I suppose this one from Mr. Morrison might have scraped in too...

The Doors - Love Me Two Times

While George and Melba might need to ask for more paper to show their working...

George Jones & Melba Montgomery - Multiply The Heartaches

The opposite of that is probably...

The Grass Roots - Two Divided By Love 

We'll close today with an equation that probably belongs more in a Physics lesson than Maths, but it's still a great listen...

Snapshots #381: A Top Twelve Songs About String Instruments

Viola and welcome to twelve songs with strings attached. Thank you for demonstrating your usual pluck and determination...

12. Soon became atheists.

Once they'd finished Losing Their Religion.

REM - Zither

11. Mates with David Hamilton.

He was known for hanging out with Diddy men.

Ken Dodd - Love Is Like A Violin

10. Rodney: not a plonker.

Nick Rodney Drake... definitely not a plonker.

Nick Drake - Cello Song

9. Frank & Jesse. (One song from each.)

Taken from the movie The Last Days of Frank and Jesse James, starring Johnny Cash and Kris Kristofferson.

Johnny Cash - Long-Legged Guitar Pickin' Man

(Or, if you stretch the criteria a little as I wanted to... Daddy Sang Bass.)

Kris Kristofferson - Don't Cuss The Fiddle

8. Compasses point them out.

Compasses point towards magnetic fields...

Magnetic Fields - Acoustic Guitar

7. How Superman gets his calcium.

Christopher Reeve used to like his milk.

Christopher Milk - A Second Hand Viola

6. This land is yours, son.

Woody Guthrie famously sang This Land Is Your Land. This son is his son...

Arlo Guthrie - Ukulele Lady

5. Deliver them from evil.

Extra clue here: they were both wearing name badges. Don't say I don't help you out!

Anyway, these are the guys who famously performed the track below in the movie Deliverance.

Eric Weissberg & Steve Mandell - Duelling Banjos

4. Best to keep your Crown Jewels safe.

Towers Of London- Air Guitar

3. Chubby snorer gets shaken awake.

"Chubby snorer" was an anagram... of Bruce Hornsby.

Bruce Hornsby & The Range - Mandolin Rain

2. Irish light haulage driver.

That'll be Don O'Van.

Donovan - Hurdy Gurdy Man

1. Wonder Woman meets Friendly brother.

Wonder Woman's name is Diana. Ross was the only brother in Friends.

Diana Ross - My Old Piano

And yes, before anyone starts, a piano is a stringed instrument.

I'll be back to string you along with more of this nonsense next Saturday...

Kris

I had a different post to run today, but as I came to post it, I saw the news about Kris Kristofferson taking his Last Ride. 

Time was, I'd have tried to cobble together a decent eulogy, but the words aren't coming too easy these days, so here are some of his finest moments...

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

And there's nothin' short a' dyin'

That's half as lonesome as the sound

Of the sleepin' city sidewalk

And Sunday mornin' comin' down

I was a sailor

I was born upon the tide

And with the sea I did abide

I sailed a schooner around the Horn to Mexico

I went aloft and furled the mainsail in a blow

And when the yards broke off they said that I got killed

But I am living still

Snapshots Spillover: More Existential Questions...

As promised, here are some more big questions for you to ponder. First though, a couple of more generally existential tunes...

Sparks - The Existential Threat

Manic Street Preachers - Jackie Collins Existential Question Time

The biggest question that last one has to ask is, "Oh, mummy, what's a Sex Pistol?"

Here are some more direct questions about our very existence...

Kris Kristofferson - Why Me?

The Amazing Rhythm Aces - Why Can't I Be Satisfied?

Jail Weddings - How Am I Alive?

The Wipers - Is This Real?

Moonlight - Am I Really Here?

The Flaming Lips - Do You Realise? 

That's the one I want playing at my funeral.

Lord Huron - What Do It Mean?

Echo & The Bunnymen - What Are You Going To Do With Your Life?

The Bees - Who Cares What The Question Is?

There was only one song I could close with today - the one that makes me ponder the biggest questions of all, such as, "Well, how did I get here?", "Am I right, am I wrong?", "My God, what have I done?" and most importantly of all... why is there water at the bottom of the ocean?

Self-Help For Cynics #22: A Window On The Past

Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny

But now you're sad, your mama's mad

And your papa says he knows that I don't have any money

Bruce Springsteen - Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)

A former colleague posted the two images above on the book of faces at the weekend and his stream was filled with warm, nostalgic comments as a result.

The Chameleons - Nostalgia

The windows are part of the old Victorian mill building in which the local radio station where we all worked was located, from the 70s through the turn of the century. The station's not there anymore, it's moved twice in the intervening years before being dissolved into the generic nationalised slush that all local radio has become in recent years. About the only thing "local" about it these days is the breakfast show and the adverts. It's even losing its identity in April, to take on the same name as a million other "local" radio stations across the world, because there's no longer anything to differentiate it from them.

Mirror featuring Dave Gahan - Nostalgia

But this post isn't about the sad death of local radio... it's about the glorious times in its past. Those windows at the top of the page represent that. The building in question has been converted into luxury flats these days... I know, they don't look particularly luxury, do they? But this is Bradford we're talking about. 

Only life you ever knew 

Looking back at what you used to do

Pass a dump along the road, 

Rearview mirror turn it into gold

The Hives - These Spectacles Reveal The Nostalgics

Among those reminiscing, the comments included people talking about how the corridors sometimes smelled of sewage (the station was in the basement), how the windows in question often got bricks through them, and, of course, The Ghost (actually, those comments came from me). But despite all that, what got to me was how much love people felt for the old place... 

"What a place that was... so many memories!"

"I'd love to have a look inside..."

"Such fond memories, wish I could rewind time."

"The place dreams began! We were all so lucky to be there!"

"Feels like a lifetime ago since we were there."

"And that building still hosted the greatest days of our lives."

I certainly have some happy memories of that old radio station - it was a great job with (mostly) great people. Over the years I was there, it gradually went downhill... as all things do. That's entropy for you. I was there for 23 years, and for me the first ten or so were the best... yet some of those comments come from people who were only there in the second half of my time, and even after I'd gone. There are a number of things we can take from that - nostalgia is viewed through rose-tinted glasses, one person's Golden Days are another person's 'Meh' Months... but things are never as good as they were in the past. And yet, I also know I was miserable for a large part of my time there, and if you'd asked me then, I'd have said I was hoping my life would get a whole lot better when I was older.

Kris Kristofferson - For The Good Times

 

This made me ask a question...

Do our brains give priority to happy memories?  

To answer that, I turned to the American Psychological Association, who started by telling me that we actually have more happy times in our lives that sad ones, "because people seek out positive experiences and avoid negative ones." Beyond that, though...

The other process at work involves our memory system treating pleasant emotions differently from unpleasant emotions.

Pleasant emotions have been found to fade more slowly from our memory than unpleasant emotions. One mechanism for this uneven fading may involve a process known as minimization. In order to return to our normal level of happiness, we try to minimize the impact of life events. This minimization process - which occurs biologically, cognitively and socially -- is usually stronger for negative events than for positive events.

Little Feat - Hangin' on to the Good Times

However, this process doesn't work for everyone. In fact, if you're suffering depression, chances are it's because your unpleasant memories aren't fading as quickly as they should be. I wonder if that's linked to what we were talking about a couple of weeks back - how our emotions only last 90 seconds unless we choose to dwell on them, thereby creating moods which can go on and on. 

"This implies that there is a tendency to 'deaden' the emotional impact of negative events relative to the impact of positive events," says a doctor who's researched this kind of stuff. "Such deadening occurs directly because people are motivated to view their life events in a relatively positive light."

Goldie & the Gingerbreads - Think About The Good Times

I take a kind of comfort from all this. And I'm glad the memories I have of my time in radio are largely good ones. Even some of the bad things that happened, I can now look back on and smile... or even laugh. Distance gives us clarity. 

Title Fight #6: Bastards, Winos and Pessimists

Kris Kristofferson was a talented amateur boxer who took part in The National Golden Gloves boxing tournament. He never fought Ali professionally, but he did star alongside him in the TV mini series Freedom Road back in 1979. He had a way with an eye-catching song title too...

Kris Kristofferson - If You Don't Like Hank Williams (You Can Kiss My Ass)

Kris Kristofferson - Don't Let The Bastards (Get You Down)

Kris Kristofferson - Don't Cuss the Fiddle

Kris Kristofferson - I May Smoke Too Much 

Anyway, as I've been down with the lurgy this week, I don't have much to say for myself beyond throwing a few more songs with interesting titles your way. Interesting images too, like this one...

This is Bobb Trimble, "psychedelic folk/outsider musician" from Massachusetts. Bobb self-released two albums in the early 80s (above is the cover of his debut record, Iron Curtain Innocence) before packing the psychedelic folk / outsider shit in and going off to do something more respectable with his life. Like not having a backing band made up of 12 year old kids that resulted in them getting barred from venues scared of losing their liquor licences. The albums were re-issued in the early noughties after second hand copies started going for silly money on eBay and taste-makers like Thurston Moore began dropping Bobb's name. 

Bobb Trimble - Killed By The Hands of An Unknown Rock Starr

Next up, a couple I owe to Ernie. Firstly, African-American country singer Howdy Glenn. I'd never heard of him until Ernie pointed me in his direction a couple of weeks back, but he's a welcome discovery. In the copious notes I make while preparing this feature, I scribbled the following... 

"Who Makes a Wino's Bed? Ernie."

Asked and answered, it seems.

Howdy Glenn - Who Makes a Wino's Bed?

Ernie also responded to Khayem's recent 1000th post and they got into a bit of banter about reggae singer John Holt. Ernie wondered if any others wanted to take up the John Holt baton. I'll admit, I didn't have a lot from Mr. Holt in the hard-drive, but this one caught my eye.

John Holt - Sweetie, Come Brush Me

I've no idea why John wants brushing. Please tell me it's not a euphemism.

And now, I bring you "the driving force behind 'The New Wave of Swedish Celtic Punk'", described by one critic as pioneers of "Celtic Social Realism". Swedish Celtic Social Realism, that is. They're also the only Swedish band ever to have performed for two consecutive years at the Woodstock Festival. The Woodstock Festival in Poland, that is. 

Full disclosure, Finnegan's Hell didn't come up with the song title below... they just stole it from Oscar Wilde. Still, you know what Picasso said...  

Finnegan's Hell - Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class

Finally, I'd just like to point out that the current Number One on the UK Singles Chart is a song I first wrote about back on the 18th of August 2022. Look at me, the taste-maker! Woo hoo! It's not got the greatest title in the world, but given that I am now clearly an Influencer, I can make up my own rules. 

Noah Kahan - Stick Season

Meanwhile, at #8 in the aforementioned Completely Irrelevant Streaming Aggregate still known as the "Official Singles Chart" (surely it's time they dropped the word "Singles"?), it's a re-entry for the lovely Sophie Ellis-Bextor's 23 year old Number 2 hit, Murder On The Dancefloor. This is largely due to the Irish actor Barry Keoghan dancing naked (and I do mean: naked) to it at the end of the recent movie Saltburn. 

Sophie Ellis-Bextor - Murder On The Dancefloor

Now I've always had a lot of time for the daughter of Blue Peter's Janet Ellis. I even saw her play live a couple of times in the late 90s with theaudience, a band who certainly knew their way around a song title. To whit...

theaudience - If You Can't Do It When You're Young, When Can You Do It?

theaudience - I Know Enough (I Don't Get Enough)

Celebrity Jukebox #104: William, Paul & Sixto

The Grim Reaper rarely takes a break these days...

WILLIAM FRIEDKIN

Mark Kermode tells us that The Exorcist is the greatest movie ever made. Not just the greatest "horror" movie, mind, but the greatest movie full stop. And who are we to argue with Mark Kermode?

When I was a kid, I devoured every horror film I could get my hands on from the local video shop. Not The Exorcist though, as it had been withdrawn in the UK as a "video nasty" by James Ferman of the BBFC. I had to wait till 1998 to see it, when it was finally re-released and re-appraised. It was a thrill to see such a notorious film after so long, and at the time it made quite an impression on me. But I wonder how much of that was the illicit hype? Years later, I still rate the movie highly (though not quite as highly as Mr. Kermode) but I don't find it shocking anymore. Has the world changed or have I changed? 

I couldn't find any lyrics that mentioned Mr. Friedkin, so I had to go with the obvious tribute...

PAUL REUBENS

Pee-wee Herman is a children's TV character I'm largely unfamiliar with, so my only encounter with the actor Paul Reubens is from his role as The Penguin's father in Batman Returns. His career involved a certain amount of controversy, as it seems he was a little too interested in pornography (or "vintage erotica") for a prominent star of kids' TV, but he appears to have weathered the storm better than many of his contemporaries did.

I was very excited to find a song called Paul Reubens by Felt... but sadly, it wasn't that Felt. (I should have known.)

Felt - Paul Reubens

Reubens also crops up in this... protect your ears.

Grey rustic buildings
Divided by cobblestone streets
Pigeons flock on the pavement
Candle-lit atmosphere in street side bars
Paul Rubens rises in the hazy air
As the cathedral glows in the night
Flares of cerise and magenta stream
Fading in the starry night sky
Paul Rubens rises in the hazy air
As the cathedral glows in the night

In Vain - And Quiet Flows The Scheldt

But my favourite reference comes from a band who describe their music as "Good vibes with a tropical twist". Here, Mr. Reubens features in a less than stellar list that includes Jon Benét, the Menendez Brothers, Orenthal James, Dodi Fayed and... Princess Di.

In the Darwinian Age
Everyone is on their own front page
Everyone's your friend
But nobody cares
They're all much too busy donning their airs

SIXTO RODRIGUEZ

As far as I can tell, nobody wrote any songs about Sixto Rodriguez. I did find a couple called Sugar Man, but they weren't about him...

Regina Spektor - Sugarman

Kris Kristofferson - Sugar Man

Like most people, I only discovered Rodriguez after the documentary, Searching For Sugarman. I'm glad he found fame in later life, and I hope it treated him well.

Snapshots #252: A Top Twelve Signs Of The Zodiac Songs

The Zodiac is all about reading the stars in the sky... so here's David Starsky...

Look, I couldn't find a picture of Mystic Meg with a camera, all right?

Well done if you predicted the ten artists below... 

12. Roman Empire, Berlin Wall, House of Usher.

The Fall of...

The Fall - Two Librans

11. Inside the house, Charles still gets a tan, somehow.

Inside the house, Charles still gets a tan, somehow.

The Charlatans - Taurus Moaner

10. Heroic Bum. 

Supertramp - Aries

9. Perception minus commodities.

Sense less things.

Senseless Things - Leo

8. Muddled, in a moron's RV.

"In a moron's RV", muddled up, gives you...

Van Morrison - Virgo Clowns

7. Sven Magnus Øen Carlsen and Barry Allen feel all pent up.

Sven Magnus Øen Carlsen is the current world chess champion.

Barry Allen is The Flash. (Look it up.)

If you feel all pent up, you're angry. Pent also means five, as in pentagram.

Grandmaster Flash & The Furious 5 - Scorpio

With Metal Mickey on guest vocals.

6. Bloody emus!

Anagram!

Moody Blues - Gemini Dream

5. Rubber Duck.

See Convoy.

Kris Kristofferson - Jesus Was A Capricorn

4. Instigator of Temptation.

One of the founding members of the Temptations.

Eddie Kendricks - Son of Sagittarius

3. Gregorian Horse.

Anagram!

George Harrison - Pisces Fish

2. Colin Firth hates them.

Regular readers will get the reference.

Eels - Cancer For The Cure

1. Height, width, depth, time...

Height, width, depth, time... are the first four dimensions. As I'm not a physicist, I'm not going to try to explain the 5th.

The Fifth Dimension - Age of Aquarius

The stars tell me there will be more of this nonsense next week. 

Positive Songs For Negative Times #49: The Backbounceability of Humans

Just prior to the easing of lockdown last weekend, we tested the limits of what was "local" in order to take a walk round some (quite) nearby National Trust gardens. We weren't arrested for it, and we got to see the above colourful eggs (along with a brightly painted bench - much more impressive than a Happy Bench - that Sam sat on). It was a mini art installation in the woods, but without pretention, and the pretty colours contrasted well with the early Spring gloom. I say all this to counter yesterday's misanthropy... in case it's not already too late.

As lockdown eases one step back on the roadmap to a brighter future... how are you all doing? I'm still on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but at least I've had half a hair cut. Louise bought some clippers online and shaved the back and sides... but she daren't touch the top. Apparently I now resemble a Peaky Blinder (as long as it's not Tom Hardy) or a slightly younger David Lynch. But I feel better for it. Other than that, not much else to report.

Here's some Norwegian Americana to take your mind off it all. Harald Thune may hail from the Land of the Midnight Sun, but he's got a voice many Nashville musicians would kill for. Don't believe me? Ask the recently retired Kris Kristofferson, who declared: “This guy is good; this guy is really damn good!” 

Harald's latest album is called The Backbounceability of Humans, a very appropriate title for these troubled times. Here's wishing you all a good dose of backbounceability with the lead single, Hello, Trouble!

Snapshots #181 - A Top Ten Silver Songs

Yesterday's link was Silver Songs... so here's Phil!

And here are the answers...

10. Total Landscaping.

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Silver Star

9. The only way.

...is Essex, apparently.

David Essex - Silver Dream Machine

8. Rock hard.

Diamonds are very hard rocks.

Jim Diamond - Hi Ho Silver

7. Risk getting muddled up twice when the offers are on.

Muddle up risk and you get Kris, twice, with the Offers On.

Kris Kristofferson - The Silver-Tongued Devil & I

6. Lil' Yorkie.

Anagram for...

Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining

5. Con charm.

Another anagram...

Marc Cohn - Silver Thunderbird

4. I was born pretty much slap bang in the middle...

According to the interweb, to be part of Generation X, you must have been born between 1965 and 1980. 1972 is pretty much slap bang in the middle of that.

Generation X - The Prime of Kenny Silvers, Pt.1 & 2 

3. Where Band Aid came from.

From the First Aid Kit, of course!

First Aid Kit - My Silver Lining

That is gorgeous.

2. Once upon a time, a home for rabbits.

Once upon a time, he was Hutch. (Not Warren.)

David Soul - Silver Lady

1. Donnie's Frank. (Frank, Frank.)

This is Frank, from the movie Donnie Darko. (Is there an echo in here?)

More next week.