Self-Help For Cynics #41: Life Or Death

I wanted to get back into this series, because there's still much to investigate... and if I don't have the excuse of writing the posts, I'm less likely to do the reading. I'm not going to even attempt to do it weekly anymore, but Cynical Self-Help will continue on an ad hoc basis. 

Before the break, I'd just begun to scrape the surface of anger: what it is, why we get it, and what to do about it. So let's jump straight back into that...

Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head

Back when I worked in radio, I was attacked in the street. I've written about it previously: it was a violent incident that could have been much worse, but somehow I managed to talk my way out of it. 

E - I've Been Kicked Around

While I was lying there on the floor, about to have my head kicked in, I did not feel any anger. Fear, yes. But also a kind of calm resolve that helped me get through the situation in one piece. Other people might have got angry - they'd be completely justified - and tried to fight back. But as angry as I might get, I'm not a violent person, and I'm not sure I could meet violence with violence, even to protect myself.

The Barracudas - We're Living in Violent Times

'What is he wittering on about?', you may well ask. Well, the reason I bring this up today is because of LIFEMORTS. According to angry scientist David Banner R. Douglas Fields, writer of Why We Snap: Understanding The Rage Circuits In Your Brain, there are nine potential triggers which cause outbursts of uncontrollable anger. And because scientists love acronyms, the good doctor has created a clever one to help us remember each of these triggers. 

Elvis Costello - Little Triggers

LIFEMORTS stands for... deep breath... 

Life or death

Insult

Family

Environment

Mate

Order In Society

Resources

Tribe

Stopped

Plus, it's clever because mort is French for dead, so the acronym tells us anger is related to... erm... being alive or dead? Well, in a way, that's true, since anger is the brain's way of signalling to us that we need to take action to protect ourselves from a threat. And the first of these threats, according to LIFEMORTS, is clearly the most imperative: a life or death situation. 

The Surfing Brides - A Matter Of Life And Death

Over the next nine posts, I'm going to look at each of these triggers individually, but I have to admit I struggled a bit with the first one. Have I never been in a Life or Death situation? Well, thankfully not in any kind of Hollywood action movie way we might think of. The closest I could come was the scene described above, but then... as I said... I didn't react with anger anyway. I got the signals - thanks, brain, but I think I could have worked that one out for myself - but anger would not have resolved that situation, so a calmer response prevailed.

Stevie Wonder - Be Cool, Be Calm (And Keep Yourself Together)

But wait! Dr. Fields says...

Almost anyone will defend themselves in what is perceived as a life-or-death attack.

And he's not alone, because in her book Unfuck Your Anger, sweary Dr. Faith adds...

The brain's wiring is designed to say, "Hey, you are prolly gonna die right here, so kicking ass is probably your only way out. And even if you can't, you at least won't go down without a fight."

The Teardrop Explodes - ...And The Fighting Takes Over

Of course, fighting isn't the only option to the amygdala's anger / fear signal (and let's face it, in a situation like this, anger and fear are pretty much the same thing). Everybody knows about Fight or Flight responses, but there are two other ways we can react to those signals, as Web MD explains...

The Fight response is your body’s way of facing any perceived threat aggressively. Flight means your body urges you to run from danger. Freeze is your body’s inability to move or act against a threat. Fawn is your body’s stress response to try to please someone to avoid conflict. 

The Levellers - Fight Or Flight

When I reflect on that attack, fawn is probably the response I chose. I tried to be calm and appeal to my assailant's better nature and probably pleaded a little bit... and it got me out of there. I'm not sure trying to fight back would have led to the same resolution, even if I was Jack Reacher.

Billy Nomates - Fawner

I consider myself lucky to have reached the grand old age of 53 without ever being in a life or death situation where kicking ass was the only available response to my brain's warning signals. I wonder if anyone reading this has ever had to fight their way out of a life or death situation? You might not want to talk about it if you have. But in terms of the brain's anger triggers, I'm pretty much dismissing the first one as a non-starter. Because as Martin Luther King said...

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Or, as I might have said...

If I try and fight back, I'm just gonna get hurt even more. There has to be another solution!

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #129: Thirty Years Ago

Thirty years ago, Damon and the Blur lads won that silly battle for Number One with the Neanderthal Brothers... but lost the battle in the album charts. The Friends theme tune made it into the charts, thanks to The Rembrants. And Take That had a song called Never Forget doing the rounds... but thankfully, I've forgotten it.

Better tunes were available in the late summer of 1995...

Supergrass - Alright

Julian Cope - Try Try Try

Black Grape - In The Name Of The Father

Echobelly - Great Things

The Levellers - Hope Street

Radiohead - Just

Ash - Girl From Mars

The Connells - 74-75

It's hard to believe any one of those songs is thirty years old. 

Here's a song from 2025, all about 1995. The Tumbling Souls are from Stornoway in the Outer Hebrides. And that's about all I know... except this one's a cracker.

Snapshots #248: A Top Ten Garden Songs

I'm very sorry to say that I couldn't find a picture of Alan Titchmarsh holding a camera, so this nice lady had to fill in.

Ten songs about gardens. I hope the weather stays nice.

10. The shortest of you replaces PJ. 

When I said the shortest, I meant shortest name, nothing to do with stature. That would be C. 

And if C replaced PJ in PJ & Duncan, we would get...

C Duncan - Garden

9. "Open up and say ahhhhhhh."

The Dentists, obviously.

The Dentists - Strawberries Are Growing In My Garden (And It's Wintertime)

8. He looked at me and then I blushed, Stevie Ray.

"He looked at me and then I blushed," is a line from Frankie.

Add that to Stevie Ray Vaughan and you get...

Frankie Vaughan - Garden of Eden

7. Time is the greatest of them. 

Time may be a great healer, but it is also a great leveller.

The Levellers - This Garden

6. Lennon's randy mix-up.

Mix up the letters in "Lennon's randy" and you get...

Lynn Anderson - (I Never Promised You A) Rose Garden

I know I'm not supposed to anymore, but I really like Morrisey's version of that.

5. Wake up, little wailer.

Wake up, little Susie, there's a wailing banshee at the door.

Siouxsie And The Banshees - Hong Kong Garden

4. Puds rising deftly.

Anagram!

This is rather an obscure Dusty song, but it was written by Jimmy Webb, so it's obviously amazing.

Dusty Springfield - Magic Garden

3. So I go and I stand on my own, and I leave on my own...

"So I go and I stand on my own" is what happens to Wallflowers at discos. As Morrissey obviously knows.

The Wallflowers - Who's That Man Walking Round My Garden?

If you missed that the last time I featured it on this blog, give it a spin today.

2. The One With Monica's New Haircut.

Sounds like an episode of Friends in which Courtney Cox has a new barnet...

Courtney Barnett - Avant Gardener

So many great lines in that track, but my favourite is the bit where she gets carted away in an ambulance after quoting All Shook Up...

The paramedic thinks I'm clever 'cause I play guitar
I think she's clever 'cos she stops people dying

1. Office boss with a column. 

The boss in The Office was Ricky Gervais. Add Nelson's Column and you get...

Ricky Nelson - Garden Party

Enjoy your gardens this weekend, if you're lucky enough to have a garden. Snapshots will return next week...

Positive Songs For Negative Times #31: One Way

 

Very few students are attending college in person, with most lessons still online. Most staff are also working from home, except those with good reason to be in the building. From Monday to Wednesday (thank god, for my sanity!) that includes me.

I therefore have to navigate the one way system that has now been imposed in the main college building. Enter by one door, leave by another. Follow the arrows to the small classroom I've adopted as an office (most rooms are not in use for teaching and there are restrictions on how many people are allowed in the staff room) then stay in there for the majority of the day, alone, talking to colleagues (even those in the building) mostly through Teams.

If I do leave my room to get a coffee (from inside the building, we're not allowed out "except for a healthy walk"... like we have time!) or to go to the loo, I must put my mask back on and follow the one way system all the way. Getting to the loo is easy -  it's two doors down the corridor. Getting back involves walking all the way round the length of the building in a huge circle. Woe betide anyone who goes against the arrows: one of my colleagues is on disciplinary for doing just that. 

As usual, I record this not to moan or pass judgement... merely for posterity. I know why college has taken these measures and why it is being so harsh in enforcing them. But these are the things we'll forget. And we shouldn't.

Clearly there was only one song to play today...

Hot 100 #15

A quieter week on the countdown than last week, thankfully, and the only band I could find with 15 in the name was the one above. I'm guessing they're Spanish, but beyond that.... no idea. Here's a tune from them anyway...

Grupo 15 - El Ole

Let's start with Lynchie, who straight away grabbed two of the most obvious choices. First this...

The Cure - 10:15 Saturday Night (The Peel session version!)

That's a pretty good version. Not heard that before. Here's the original to contrast...

The Cure - 10:15 Saturday Night

And then this...

The Who - 5.15 (Outta my brain on the train!)

Not surprised to find both Martin & C seconding those.

Martin carried on with these...

The Fall - 15 Ways (To Leave Your Man) 

The Beta Band - Number 15

ABC - 15 Storey Halo

David Bowie - 5.15 The Angels Have Gone

Hang on, Martin... Brian's got something to say about that one...

TVC 15. 'Nuff said.

David Bowie - TVC15

Although Brian did then self-correct...

Was just singing this to myself in bed this morning. "ONE-FIVE!" Boy, is my face red.

Apologies for the interruption, Martin. You carry on...

Taylor Swift - Fifteen 

Barry Manilow - Fifteen Minutes

...Christ, I'd better stop there...

Good decision. I'm not sure you can top the Bazzer Boogie.

Although I'm rather surprised you didn't suggest this one, Martin... considering it's one of your favourite bands, before they changed their name.

Sp!n - Fifteen Minutes

And even more surprised, you forgot this one...

Gene - Her Fifteen Years

Over to Jim in Dubai...

Tougher than I thought this week, here's all I have...

Wire - The 15th

Evripidis and his Tragedies - Fifteen Again

Standard Fare - Fifteen

That's cool. Thank you, Jim.

Over to Rigid Digit, who also nominated The Who and The Cure...

Radiohead - 15 Step

The Guess Who - 8:15

Inspiral Carpets - 8:15 From Manchester (the theme to a 90s Saturday Morning kids show - it's actually a re-recording of Find Out Why. But it does evoke a memory of late teenage/early 20s hangovers.)

Alyson was up next, with two very fine... if distinctly un-Alyson... suggestions...

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Fifteen Feet of Pure White Snow 

Levellers - 15 Years

Finally this week, it's Swiss Adam...

To what's above I can add...

Ride - Fifteen minutes

...and... 

Beat The Devil - Three fifteen 

Fairly obscure that one.

So obscure, I couldn't find it online. I did find this though...

Beat The Devil - Plea Bargain

OK, so what did I have left over...?

Kirsty MacColl - Fifteen Minutes

John Prine & Lee Ann Womack - 15 Years Ago

Patterson Hood - Fifteen Days (Leaving Time Again)

Johnny Boy - 15 Minutes

Depeche Mode - Little 15

Gilbert O'Sullivan - 15 Times

The Ataris - 1*15*96

Elvis Costello - 15 Petals

Ocean Colour Scene - The Clock Struck 15 Hours Ago

Supergrass - Prophet 15

The Human Beinz - April 15th

Elbow - The Delayed 3:15

Johnny Lloyd - Next Episode Starts In 15 Seconds

Rilo Kiley - 15

Which is Jenny Lewis at her best...

He was deep like a graveyard, wired like T.V.

And how could he have known

That she'd be down for almost anything

But she was only, only, only 15

My, oh my, you pretty thing

It's about that time

For us to meet

Does your daddy have a shotgun?

Oh, wait... I've forgotten to pick a winner, haven't I? Tough one this week as I don't have a clear favourite, although the two that got the most votes are clearly leading the field.

You can choose your own favourite, but for me... although in most matches, Roger Daltrey would defeat Robert Smith... in this one, Bob just edges it. Maybe it's because this song reminds me so much of Saturday nights in my 20s... although I don't remember ever sitting in the kitchen sink.


14?

Go!

Saturday Snapshots #60 - The Answers

"What are the answers to yesterday's Saturday Snapshots, Rol? I Need To Know!"

Apparently this week's Saturday Snapshots was a tough one. OK guys, don't have a Breakdown. Hopefully you'll Feel A Whole Lot Better now... well done to Lynchie for reclaiming the early bird crown this week...



10. Nathaniel holds his own against the 7th rabbit house. Control.

Nate is short for Nathaniel and he is holding a dog.

Rabbits live in warrens. G is the 7th letter of the alphabet.

Warren G & Nate Dogg - Regulate

9. Goes with Bella and Mad to see the sun, wireless.

Bella-Donna
Mad-(D)onna.

Summer sun.

Wireless radio.

Donna Summer - On The Radio

8. Straightening the shelves, always in the same direction.

Whenever I put up a shelf, I have to make sure it's level.

Going in the same direction would be one way.

The Levellers - One Way

7. Uncaring sods go for a 42.195 kilometre run.

A bit obscure, but... tune!

Heartless Bastards - Marathon

6. Where prayers are answered... could be 50% better.

"The part of a Methodist meeting house formerly occupied by worshippers who responded to the preacher's utterances with occasional shouts of ‘Amen!’."

The Amen Corner - (If Paradise Is) Half As Nice

5. Portable computer goes through customs without any trouble.

If you don't know this one, you should give it a go. Kooky but fun.

Laptop - Nothing To Declare

4. Enterprise on rocky foundations.

The Enterprise was a Starship.

Starship - We Built This City (On Rock 'n' Roll)

Apparently, this has been voted the worst song of the 80s. Hard to imagine why, in a decade where Stock, Aitken & Waterman were active.

3. Fall singer becomes lunatic on the box.

Mark E. sounds very much like Marquee.

Lunatic means driven mad by the moon.

Television is The Box. (Although they're not really boxes anymore, are they?)

Television - Marquee Moon

2. Proustian detective agency from the 80s.

Proust was Marcel.

The Blue Moon Detective Agency was where David Addison & Maddie Hayes worked in the 80s.

The Marcels - Blue Moon

So much better than the Showaddywaddy cover... discuss?

1. Where Richard met Judy... after you left.

Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain is a mnemonic to help you remember the colours in a rainbow.

Judy Garland went Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

I Won't Back Down. Saturday Snapshots returns next week!

Hot 100 #61

I feel almost the victim of peer pressure this week. The song everyone thinks should be the obvious winner isn't one of my favourites from the gentleman in question, but really... can anything else challenge it?

The Swede suggested Sixty-One, the b-side of Sixty Minute Man by Bonnie 'Prince' Billy... wonder if that'll make a return visit next week?

Martin came up with three suggestions...

How about A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers, with the lyric:

A dustland fairytale beginning
Or just another white trash country kiss?
In '61, long brown hair and foolish eyes...

And The Fray have a somewhat forgettable song called 1961.

And new to me, a slice of mid-80s power-pop called 61 Seconds by The Outfield.

All worthy of some merit, but none of them a Giant Killer.

C was closer to toppling the Nobel Prize winner with her suggestion...

Even if just to hear Feargal sing, "I wanna wanna be a male model", you can't go wrong with

The Undertones - Male Model:

When I was young I never wanted toys
Things like that were for little boys
My mamma got me clothes for her favourite son
Freeman's item A page 61

Meanwhile, Rigid Digit offered the following...

The Levellers - 61 Minutes Of Pleading

Not bad. But could The Levellers ever stand in the same ring as the Patron Saint of Zimmerframes?

In the end then, it seemed inevitable... until the South Western Correspondent made a rare venture north to suggest an alternative take on the same song. Far be it from me to steal an idea from Charity Chic, but as he's not using it at the moment... you can decide which version of Highway 61 Revisited you prefer this week.

For me, Polly Jean might just be edging it...





Next week... number 60! Any ideas will be gratefully received... peer pressure might well be ignored.

My Top Ten One Way Songs

There is only one way you'll get into this Top Ten (and it ain't "My Way"... or the highway).


10. The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell & Back

To anyone who considers The Darkness a one-joke band whose joke isn't funny anymore... take the ticket above, with my love.

See also One Way Ticket by Carrie Underwood, who, Louise took great pleasure in informing me the other day, started her career as a winner on American Idol. The fact that proper songwriters and genres other than pop were allowed on that show sets it streets ahead of The X-Factor in my books. Not that I'd have watched it... but it's good to see an artist as strong as Ms. Underwood come out of it. The best we've managed in this country is Ollie Murs...

9. The Allman Brothers - One Way Out

It's amazing that the Allman Brothers are still going, considering all the tragedy in their past. Some top guitar playing on show here. 

8. Skint & Demoralised - One Way Traffic

And like a street lined with litter on a Sunday morning  
You left me bitter; left me with no warning 
You had to go...and left me thinking, did you have to go?  
And then you sent me a text, and I was desperate to reply 
But to tell you that I'm happy, would have been a desperate lie 
And every time I talk to you, I struggle not to cry 
I still adore you, and I'm sure I should ignore you... 
And these lists of problems, seem to come without thinking 
Almost like they've been rehearsed, and I can feel my heart sinking...

Good to see Matt Abbott has a new S&D album out right now. Check it out here.

7. Dexys Midnight Runners - One Way Love

From the days when Kevin Rowland sang like an unintelligible drunk at a karaoke machine. And yet, he was (and still is) amazing.

Giving Kevin a run for his money in the pub singer states is lead Tinderstick Stuart Staples. See their One Way Street for a top example.

6. The Clint Boon Experience - Only One Way I Can Go

Class tune from Mr. Boon, available to download free from his website (if you can handle .ram files).

5. Bruce Springsteen - One Way Street

Back in the late 70s, Bruce recorded enough unreleased music to fill a couple of box sets, but legal issues and a crazed sense of quality control kept most of it unheard. This finally saw the light of day on the The Promise back in 2010... it was worth the wait.

4. Karine Polwart - Only One Way

My favourite KP song... and yes, Department of the Peculiar fans, this is where I stole one of my character's names.

And when a genocidal maniac talks about grief
And you kinda get the feeling that there’s nothing underneath
But you can’t believe a man would lie through such nice teeth
There's only one way 

3. Blur - There's No Other Way

See, if there's no other way... there must only be one way.

It's easy to forget that long before Britpop, Blur were baggy. If you want a good laugh, check out Damon's haircut in this video... 

2. Blondie - One Way Or Another

She's gonna get you, get you, get you, get you...

While not in the same class as Debbie, I always had a soft spot for Sophie Ellis Bextor's version too...

1. The Levellers - One Way 

Reminds me of being a young man... as so many of these songs end up doing. I hope to be able to share these songs with my own son... though I have a terrible feeling he'll rebel against his old dad and end up liking dance music, blingy r 'n' b or U2...

There's only one way of life - and that's your own!

Which is your one way? (And anyone who suggests One Direction...hang your head in shame.)