Self-Help For Cynics #24: Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

A year or so back, I began to feel victimised by another prominent member of the blogging community. Not someone whose name you will ever see in the comments box on this site, but someone who is well-regarded by certain other bloggers, and who occasionally comments on a select number of the blogs I read. I began to notice that whenever I wrote a comment on one of those blogs, expressing approval of a certain artist or song, this particular individual would soon after leave their own comment, not so much rubbishing my opinion, but making it quite clear that they disagreed and that they saw no value at all in the music I liked. After a while, I attempted to deflect this with humour, leaving jokey follow-up comments about how much our tastes differed or faux apologies for inflicting my own noxious opinions on him, but my olive branch of banter was met with a wall of silence. 

The Cleaners From Venus - Amateur Paranoiac

This is when my paranoid brain kicked into over-drive. Did this blogger really have it in for me? Were my opinions so distasteful that the very sight of my name in a comment box drove him into a rage? If he felt this way, how many other blog readers might I be offending with my awful taste in music? The least I could do was comment less on the blogs he read, so as not to upset him any further. Beyond that, I seriously considered quitting blogging altogether, or at least making my blog private and just writing it for myself... though I knew I'd miss the community and the chance to chat away in other people's comment boxes. 

Mind tells us...

Paranoia is thinking and feeling like you are being threatened in some way, even if there is no evidence, or very little evidence, that you are. 

Even more tellingly, they add...

Paranoid thoughts could also be exaggerated suspicions. For example, someone made a nasty comment about you once, and you believe that they are directing a hate campaign against you.

Ouch. That's right on the money, isn't it? 

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody's coming to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes

Hear the voices in my head

I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring

But if you're bored, then you're boring

The agony and the irony, they're killing me

Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Apparently up to a third of the population experience paranoid thoughts at one time or another. Paranoia isn't an actual mental health diagnosis - not unless you respond to your paranoia in an excessive way. Clearly it's linked to low self-esteem and intrusive thoughts, both of which we've looked at here before. So it should come as no surprise that "amygdala dysfunction" is one of the key suspects in causing paranoid thoughts.

The Kinks - Destroyer

(On a side note, whenever I start a sentence with "So...", I worry that I'll anger Charity Chic, since it sticks in my mind that he doesn't approve of said practice. God, writing a blog when you're a delusional fruitcake is an absolute minefield!)

Sometimes I give myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm cracking up

Am I just paranoid

Or am I just stoned?

Green Day - Basket Case

Mind tries to reassure me that what I have is mild or non-clinical paranoia, not one of the more serious forms: paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. But really, what if they're wrong? Am I paranoid to think I might have a more serious version of paranoia?

I got some so-called friends

They'll smile right to my face

But, when my back is turned

They'd like to stick to me

Yes, they would

Paul Simon - Paranoia Blues

An Australian Better Health website lists the following as possible symptoms of paranoia. I'm going to try a little tick box exercise to work out just how paranoid I might be. Feel free to copy the table and play along yourself...

Generally, a person who is paranoid may:
be easily offended	✔
find it difficult to trust others	✔
not cope with any type of criticism	What are you saying?
assign harmful meanings to other people’s remarks	What are you saying?
be always on the defensive	What are you saying?
be hostile, aggressive and argumentative	WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?!
not be able to compromise	✖ (Everything I do is a compromise.)
assume that people are talking ill of them behind their back	✔✔✔
be overly suspicious – for example, think that other people are lying or scheming to cheat them	✔
not be able to confide in anyone	Well, there’s you guys…
find relationships difficult	✔
consider the world to be a place of constant threat	Isn’t it?
feel persecuted by the world at large	I’m not that important.
believe in unfounded ‘conspiracy theories’	No, I only believe in the true ones.

Not looking good, is it?

Clearly I need to do some more work on this... next week.

Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

In conclusion for today though, I haven't had any recent follow-up comments from my blogging bully, even after I started commenting again on the blogs he frequents. Maybe he's got bored with persecuting me... or he's too busy at the moment... or he's had a change of heart and suddenly realised that Barry Manilow is actually great. Who knows? 

I am also prepared to entertain the notion that he never actually had it in for me in the first place, that it was all in my imagination, and that all the negative comments he left as a follow up to my positive ones were purely coincidental. It could just be all in my mind...

The Art of Noise with Max Headroom - Paranoimia

On the other hand, you know what they say: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.

Memory Mixtape #26: Free School Milk

Herman’s Hermits – No Milk Today

In response to last week’s searing indictment of school dinners, Alyson commented…

When I was in Primary School we still got a bottle of milk to drink every morning. In winter it was ice cold but in summer it was very warm and not so nice at all. I remember our teacher standing over one girl every milk time forcing her to finish her bottle of and we all had to wait as it took her a long time, going down only an 1/8th of an inch (pre-decimal times) every minute. Wouldn't happen nowadays of course - not been milk since the days of Thatcher the Snatcher and of course so many children now have intolerances to dairy.

Billy Bragg – The Milkman Of Human Kindness

This opened up a whole can of memory worms for me… but a couple of things first...

Kids do still get school milk – it’s just not free anymore (and not in bottles). Parents have to pay for it – unless they can’t afford, in which case it’s supplemented. Sam’s 10 now and still gets milk at school. He also drinks any leftover cartons he can get his hands on. 

(Sam and his mates have likewise formed a Leftovers Club at dinner time. They make sure they’re the last in the dinner queue, then they’re more likely to be offered seconds after everyone’s finished their lunch.)

The Handsome Family – The Sad Milkman

Speaking of an intolerance to dairy though, Alyson… this is exactly what I had when I was a kid. I still do, though it’s a rather odd variety of intolerance. I just can’t drink milk, especially if it’s cold. If I try, it makes me throw up. I’m fine with anything else dairy-related – cheese, yoghurt… no problem. I’m also OK with boiled milk, in certain circumstances. That’s how my mum used to serve me cereal – Weetabix, Frosties, Coco Pops etc… always with hot milk. If I tried to eat them with cold milk… bleurggghh! I’ve never been able to drink milk shakes either. Not without gipping. Sorry, Kelis. You milkshake wouldn't bring me to the yard.

Kelis - Milkshake

I’m not sure I was aware of all this when I started Primary School, and I doubt my mum thought to mention it. On the first day of school then, out came the school milk bottles… “Drink up, children!”

Bleurgggghhhhh.

You Am I – Mr. Milk

My first teacher, Mrs. Kay (picture Julie Andrews, but slightly more posh) was a shrewd lady who quickly realised I couldn’t keep milk down, so she stopped offering it to me. (Saved her having to clean up her classroom every day.) When the school milk came out, I was excused. 

Garbage - Milk

And then I moved up a year. That’s when I met Mrs. Tebb. 

Haircut 100 - Milk Film

Mrs. Tebb did not like me. That’s pretty much all I remember about her. Every other teacher at my junior school, I got on with OK. Not Mrs. Tebb though. She hated me. And maybe that’s because of what happened on the day I arrived in her class… but if so, she only brought it on herself.

“Time for your milk, children!”

“But, Mrs. Tebb, I don’t drink milk. It makes me sick.”

“Nonsense. Milk is good for you. It’s good for your teeth and your bones and your everyday health! Milk is nature’s perfect food!”

Tindersticks – Milky Teeth

“But, miss, it makes me sick!”

“Nonsense – get it down you.”

And so, I drank my milk, almost immediately puking it right back up… all over Mrs. Tebb. 

“I told you it made me sick, miss.”

Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Back in 2007, Sheffield band Tiny Dancers put out their only album on the back of opening for Bob Dylan's UK tour the year before. The LP was called Free School Milk. This was their debut single, released on my 35th birthday. 

Snapshots #269: A Top Ten Growing Up Songs

I'm too excited by the new Indiana Jones trailer to write a proper introduction this morning.

Some of us will never grow up...

10. A Spider, sounds like he’s got a Death Wish.

A Spider from Mars, who sounds a bit like (Charles) Bronson.

Mick Ronson - Growing Up And I'm Fine

9. Dylan is an Idol in towns with a rose between them.

Billy Idol and Bob Dylan; a rose between two thorns...

Billy Bob Thornton - I Gotta Grow Up

8. Sick nun.

Twisted Sister - I'll Never Grow Up

7. Good ol' boys.

Waylon Jennings & Willie Nelson - Mammas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

6. Exciting to a Monster Muppet.

Cookie Monster!

The Cookies ~ Girls Grow Up Faster Than Boys

5. The jets are down.

The Blue Aeroplanes - Growing Up, Growing Down

4. What a waste!

Garbage - When I Grow Up

3. Found floating off Brighton, Bondi and Miami.

Bouys floating in the sea off three famous beaches.

The Beach Boys - When I Grow Up To Be A Man

2. Cram one sugarcube inside.

Cram one sugarcube inside.

The Ramones - I Don't Wanna Grow Up

1.  2 Bs become 1.

The above picture might look like Harry Styles... but it's actually a computerised merging of the two photos below...

Because here's a song they both recorded. Written by Bruce, recorded not long after by Bowie... though his version wasn't released until the 90s.

If you promise not to grow up between now and next Saturday, Snapshots will return...

Snapshots #202: A Top Ten Thinking Songs

How Can I Be Sure you got all the answers right yesterday? You might just be a Daydreamer. Still, I Woke Up In Love This Morning, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt...

10. Together!

"Together!" is the memorable hook repeatedly sung in Go West by The Village People... or The Pet Shop Boys.

Go West - King of Wishful Thinking

9. Little children should learn to replace the Y with IE.

Babys should be spelled with an ie.

In case you're saying "Whoooooo!?", this is the band that John 'Missing You' Waite started out in. Although they were a British band, they only had hits in the US and Australia.

The Babys - Every Time I Think Of You

8. Mirror in the Leicester Square bathroom.

Mirror In The Bathroom was sung by The Beat.

Leicester Square is in the centre of London.

Londonbeat - I've Been Thinking About You

Here's another one for the "Well, I never knew that" folder... the lead singer of Londonbeat was Jimmy Helms, who had a 70s hit with Gonna Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse and also sang jingles for the radio company I used to work for. 

7. Sweet smelling weasels.

Jasmine is a sweet smelling flower, minks are slightly less fragrant weasels.

The Jasmine Minks - Think!

6. Ivy Manager.

Anagram!

Marvin Gaye - Too Busy Thinking 'Bout My Baby

5. How old are your clothes?

What's your garb age?

Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

4. Green pastures.

The Colourfield - Thinking Of You

One of the best songs of the 80s?

3. Welsh pink hippo.

In Rainbow, George was a pink hippo. Jones is the most common Welsh surname.

George Jones - She Thinks I Still Care

2. Nathan, Ralf, Keir.

Anagram! (Apologies to those of you who tried to find a linking surname.)

Aretha Franklin - Think

1. Related to Alan.

If only Alan Partridge had been in The Partridge Family...

Saturday Snapshots #113 - The Answers

Whoopi! It's this week's answers...


10. Almost like a lone cuckoo, above its nest, on a rack, surrounded by water, screaming.

OK, McMurphy was the character Jack Nicholson played in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest... so this guy almost sounds like him.

An island is surrounded by water. If it were on a rack, it would be a long island. The screams would be the sound it made as I stretched it to make this clue work.

Honestly, the effort I go into some weeks.

James McMurtry - Long Island Sound

9. Bunch of evil bastards and feckless idiots, carrying a torch.

This, on the other hand, should require no further explanation.

Parliament - Flashlight

8. A small amount of fuel for Henry's car: pucker up, zombie Bruce.

A litre in the Ford?

"Kiss me, Dead Lee!"

Lita Ford - Kiss Me, Deadly

When I watch that, I am forever 16.

7. See wild animals in the waves and obliterate them.

Safari in the surf?

Surfaris - Wipe Out!

6. You should take one on de canal... drums after dark.

What else are you going to take on de canal but de barge!?

DeBarge - Rhythm of the Night

There's something wonderfully innocent about that.

5. A make believe clock for short bosses.

Short bosses would be MGMT.

MGMT - Time To Pretend

4. Ask a Loser if he wants a cuppa... you'll be surprised by how many sugars he wants.

"Brew, Beck?"

"You take five!?"

Dave Brubeck - Take Five

Nice.

3. "They're all out to get me!"

     Rubbish!

Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

2. Vowel-free gym teacher in the Yellowhammer state.

Their gym teacher was Leonard Skinner. He didn't like long hair or loud music.

No, really. This is the guy who gave them their name...

"Turn it up!"

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama

1. Artist not with Brand T gives up seat.

Rembrandt without Brand T = Rem.

Stand the drummer at the front then it's harder to identify the band. (Except... those eyebrows...)

Simple existentialism in a 3 minute pop song...

If you want a Ghost of a chance of getting the answers before anyone else next week - get in on the act early, sister!

My Top Ten Girls vs. Boys Songs

Ten girl songs versus ten boy songs. Who will come out on top?


10. Generation X - Modern Boys vs. Sheena Easton - Modern Girl

Billy Idol vs. Sheena Easton... who would you put your money on?

The boys outnumber the girl here, but they teach 'em to fight tough in Glasgow.

Sheena takes the first victory for the ladies.

9. Morrissey - Girl Least Likely To vs. Boy Least Likely To - The Battle of the Boy Least Likely To

Regular viewers will realise we can't let Morrissey win one of these - not even to a band who named themselves after one of his songs. I say because it's because he needs to maintain that perpetual losing streak, you probably say it's because he's a nazi.

The boys make it one all.

8. Alison Moyet - Ode To Boy vs. Carl Barat - Ode To A Girl

Well, obviously this one goes to Alison... although that does mean the boys go one up.

7. The Seekers - Georgie Girl vs. Jack Lukeman - Georgie Boy

"Jack who?" you cry. Surely Judith Durham claims a victory here.

Except...

There's something about the perkiness of Georgie Girl that has the worst kind of 60s sound to my ears... and that Jack Lukeman track is pretty damned good, actually.

3-1 to the boys! Oh no!

6. Death Cab For Cutie - Some Boys vs. Racey - Some Girls

So to get the girls back in the game, I have to choose RACEY over Death Cab For Cutie.

Thank god I'm uncool.

3-2.

5. Voice of the Beehive - Stupid Boy vs. Garbage - Stupid Girl

Very cool Beehive song (great lyrics too), but Shirley wins this one, bringing us back to level-pegging.

3-3

4. Freddie Mercury & Montserrat Caballe - The Golden Boy vs. John Martyn - Golden Girl

A nice simple acoustic John Martyn song vs. the operatic pomp of Freddie & Montserrat, a track from the Barcelona album which I've not listened to in ages. I was almost about to give this one to the girls too, but around the 2 1/2 minute mark, Freddie only goes and blows the bloody doors off. Wow.

4-3 to the boys.

3. Andrew Gold - Lonely Boy vs. Lucinda Williams - Lonely Girls

I'm going to confess something now... for many years, I considered Andrew Gold's Lonely Boy to be a masterpiece on a par with Morrissey's I Have Forgiven Jesus in regard to describing how my life felt... in fact I think I may have listened to it a bit too much.

On the other hand, I first heard Lonely Girls on an Uncut compilation CD and it was probably the track that introduced me to Lucinda Williams.

4 all.

2. Don Henley - Boys of Summer vs. Arab Strap - Girls of Summer

Arab Strab are hilarious, and this is one of their best.

But... Boys of Summer is one of the greatest songs of the 80s, and one of the best summer songs ever recorded. I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac...

5-4 to the boys.

1. The Cure - Boys Don't Cry vs. Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Big Girls Don't Cry

Too close to call, surely?



Let's call it a draw to keep everyone happy...


But what would your verdict be? Boys or girls? Whoever wins, the losers don't cry...

My Top Ten Paranoia Songs

I'm not paranoid. I know you're all out to get me.


10. Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

Garbage kind of passed me by during the 90s. Listening back now, I should have paid more attention.

9. The National - Afraid of Everyone 

Matt Berninger has little voices swallowing his soul and can't even defend his family with his orange umbrella. What's worse: he doesn't have the drugs to sort it out. 

8.  Barry Andrews - Win A Night Out With A Well-Known Paranoiac

A lost, twisted classic from the ex-XTC Shriekback man. Makes Kafka seem like Jackanory.

7. Art of Noise featuring Max Headroom - Paranoimia

Children of the 80s - be afraid. Be very afraid. Max Headroom is your future.

6. The Kinks - Paranoia, The Destroyer

Or: What happened when Ray took Lola home.

See also the much earlier Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues.

5. Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me

Rockwell was Berry Gordy's son. Paranoid music fans claim that this was only ever a hit because Michael Jackson sand the chorus. I claim bollocks: the verses are far more entertaining.

When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair
'Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there
People say I'm crazy, just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much

4. Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV

You may also recognise this as the theme tune to the appropriately paranoid Peep Show. If you're gonna be a one hit wonder, make it a cracker.

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Diggin' holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!

3. James - Out To Get You

Insecure? What you gonna do?

I've seen James perform this live a number of times. Never fails to raise the hair on the back of my neck.

2. Black Sabbath - Paranoid

If you weren't paranoid already, Tony Iommi's relentless riff will do the job. As for why Ozzy's so paranoid... wouldn't you be if you were married to Sharon?

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Having already given this the number one spot in my Top Ten Robot Songs, I thought twice about letting it win this battle as well. But in the end, it's Radiohead's Bohemian Rhapsody. I've have been more paranoid about bumping it down to #2. Plus, it's Thom Yorke taking the piss out of his own image - how often does that happen. Recorded in Jane Seymour's house, named after Marvin (my old nickname) from The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, when I am king you will be first against the wall.

What's that?



See also every single record Morrissey has recorded since The Smiths broke up (and quite a few before that). Far too many to narrow it down to just one choice.

But which one is following you home tonight...?