My Top Ten David Bowie Songs

*UPDATE: Originally posted in 2012, I'm reposting this today as a tribute. I'm not going to think about whether my song choices have changed - they probably have; they always do. Goodbye, you freaky kook. I'm glad I knew you...*

Compiling these Artist Top Tens is much more difficult than the regular, subject-oriented 10s. If The Smiths was an impossible task, I've virtually given up on Springsteen. I thought Bowie might be easier, but it didn't prove that way. No, I'm not saying that any of the tracks below are necessarily better than Jean Genie, Rebel Rebel, Rock 'n' Roll Suicide... or even This Is Not America. They just mean more to me, for one reason or another.


10. Kooks

Early Dave, at his most romantic, and playful...

And if you ever have to go to school
Remember how they messed up this old fool
Don't pick fights with the bullies or the cads
'Cause I'm not much cop at punching
Other people's Dads
And if the homework brings you down
Then we'll throw it on the fire
And take the car downtown

9. Ashes To Ashes

In my late teens, Scary Monsters was probably my favourite Bowie album. I tried to find a way to squeeze Because You're Young or Teenage Wildlife onto this list, but I'd be lying if I said any of them were better than this. The lyrics below were a major influence on a number of storylines in my 90s small press comic The Jock...

The shrieking of nothing is killing me
Just pictures of Jap girls in synthesis and I
Ain't got no money and I ain't got no hair
But I'm hoping to kick but the planet it's glowing

Time and again I tell myself
I'll stay clean tonight
But the little green wheels are following me
Oh no, not again
I'm stuck with a valuable friend
"I'm happy, hope you're happy too"
One flash of light but no smoking pistol

8. Starman

That weren't no DJ
That was hazy cosmic jive!

7. Oh! You Pretty Things

I'm always a sucker for just one man and his piano... and then that chorus kicks in. Wow. Plus, Dave = Big X-Men fan?

Gotta make way for the homo-superior!

6. Space Oddity

Probably the first Bowie track to have any kind of impact on me. My sister (a good 18 years my senior) was a huge Bowie fan in the 70s* (she used to tease my Dad that he looked like the Thin White Duke - Dad was not amused). Although she moved out soon after I was born (who could blame her?), I probably absorbed this through osmosis in the womb. A semi-autobiographical extract from my last novel follows, in which I explain how, when I was a kid, I imagined I ran my own TV station...

We had Breakfast Television before anybody else. Ready Brek, Weetabix, or bacon and egg with fried bread on weekends; followed by a lift to the bus stop in my dad’s Ford Granada. Hardly gripping viewing, but when your only competition is the Open University, you don’t need too much sensation to snatch the ratings. We beat MTV to the punch too, though admittedly our playlist was limited to the contents of my brother John and sister Candy’s record collections, Mum’s ‘Country Music Greatest Hits’ Box Set from the Readers Digest, and any songs I managed to tape off the Top 40 on a Sunday afternoon, usually with bits of Tony Blackburn talking over the end before I pressed pause. We didn’t have any videos, but sometimes I’d dance around and act out various routines to fit the lyrics. I did a mean ‘Wuthering Heights’ (complete with Kate Bush hand gestures) and a moody ‘I’m Not In Love’. But the one the viewers raved about was my ‘Space Oddity’. For five and a bit minutes, I actually was floating about in a tin can, and the papers really did want to know where I got my shirts. BHS usually, very occasionally C&A. David Bowie even stopped by to sing a duet, live on air. He said it was a pity I wasn’t around when he recorded that album; he’d have had me on backing vocals for sure.

(*It was my sister who broke the news to me this morning, via text. Kind of appropriate, really.)

5. Golden Years

Just plain funky.

Run for the shadows...

4. Modern Love

The LP Let's Dance is sneered at by purists, but as a child of the 80s it was my first proper teenage exposure to the Madness of King Dave and I love just about every song on it (although the album version of the title track goes on for about 6 weeks and that's really not necessary). Modern Love though - you can't beat Modern Love. From the Michael Caine-esque intro to the idea of Bowie chasing after the paper boy... what's not to love?

3. Heroes

I'm sure many people would have this at Number One (even though - insanely - it only reached #24 in the charts) and I couldn't really argue with any of them. Except... there's two other songs I'd take to a desert island with me first...

2. Changes

Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Just gonna have to be a different man

1. Young Americans

Another controversial choice because a) it's from mid-period Bowie, and b) it features a prominent saxophone (always upsetting to purists)... but the intro gets me every time. Like 75% of Bowie's songs, I've no real idea what it's about, but it doesn't matter.

Ain't there one damn song that can make me break down and cry?

 *Today, there are lots...*

 

An impossible task, especially today. But which of your favourites will you be playing tonight?

SEE ALSO: MY TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT DAVID BOWIE.

My Top Ten Telephone Call Songs

You may have spotted a recurring theme over the last few weeks... There were far too many telephone songs for one Top Ten, so I've tried to group them into some more specific categories. (I know, I spend far too much of my life thinking about this, don't I?)

Anyway, here's ten songs that feature actual telephone conversations... mostly.


10. Meri Wilson - Telephone Man

By popular demand... honest.

Look, she's gossiping on the phone in the video. It fits here as well as it would in any of my other phone-based Top Tens. Let's just get it out of the way, shall we?

9. Shelby Lynne - Telephone

I never really thought you would answer.
Now it's a big blown up thing.
I wish you hadn't been at home when the telephone rang.
When the telephone rang.

8. The Wedding Present - It's For You

David Gedge gets well pissed off when his girlfriend's ex keeps calling up...

No, it’s for you but then you didn’t need me to say that
‘Cos you already knew, how many times is it today that
He’s had to call? 
It’s as if you’re still together
I don’t care at all, 
I’m just wondering whether
You think you and he will ever run out
Of things that you have to talk about?

7. Jonathan Richman -  I'm Straight

Jonathan has seen the object of his affections hanging round with that loser Hippy Johnny... so he calls her up and offers to take his place. Hippy Johnny's always stoned... but Jonathan's straight. Honest.

6.  The Dead Kennedys - Kinky Sex Makes the World Go Round

In which the US Secretary of War calls up the British PM and outlines his plans for a nice war. This was released in the mid-80s... a decade or so later, Tony Blair took the very same call for real.

5. REM - Star 69

There's a lesson here - don't call Michael Stipe without leaving a message. He'll know it was you... and call back, mad as a box of frogs.

I know all about the warehouse fire
I know squirrelies didn't chew the wires
Three people have my number
The other two were with me.
I don't like to tell-tell but I'm not your patsy.
This time you have gone too far with me.

If you're in the UK and you want to know who just called you, you may try 1471 by Arab Strap. I can't find a link to that though.

Still, having included both *69 and Arab Strap in the same post, I'm bound to get a few more hits...

4. Billy Joel - Sometimes A Fantasy

Haunted by a schizophrenic badboy version of himself, Billy (or is that Sly Stallone?) calls up his girlfriend in the middle of the night... the symbolism suggests a heavy bout of phone sex... but then again, it might all be in his head.

I used to like this song... having now watched the video for the first time, it scares the hell out of me. 

3. Department S - Is Vic There?

No, he's out, sorry.

Call back later.

2. Lou Reed - New York Telephone Conversation

Lou gets woken up by the phone... and a most inane conversation follows.

1. The Big Bopper - Chantilly Lace

"Hellllloooooo, baby!"

The only thing I really knew about the Big Bopper was that he recorded this excellent rock 'n' roll song (used to great effect in Tarantino's True Romance) and that he died in the same plane crash as Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens. The one thing I didn't know about The Big Bopper was that he was a white guy who looked like Peter Parker's old school bully, Flash Thompson. With a voice like that, I always pictured a black Fats Domino type... and I see from youtube that I wasn't alone in that misapprehension.




I have still got a few telephone songs to feature, but they'll have to wait a while. Meantime, which call would you take... and which one would you let go to the ansaphone?

My Top Ten Songs For Young Lovers

Happy Valentine's Day. Remember being young and in love? These guys do...


10. Air Supply - Young Love

This week's token cheesy 80s power ballad. Caution: unless you're a special kind of sick (like me), you will hate this record. Do not watch the video.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

9. John Mellencamp - Young Without Lovers

A cautionary tale, best summed up by its chorus...

Young without lovers
Old without friends

8. Sonny James - Young Love

Apologies to the Donny Osmond fans out there who might have been expecting his saccharine 70s Number One version of this song... but really, I have to draw the line somewhere. Wasn't Air Supply enough for you?

7. Morrissey - The Youngest Was the Most Loved

This week's token Moz track... typically has very little to do with normal young love, but then again:

There is no such thing in life as normal

One day I'll do a Top Ten Songs Featuring Ill-Advised Kids' Choirs...

6. Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly - Young and Lovestruck

You ever find a song in your record collection that you're not sure you've ever listened to before... yet it's really quite marvellous? Where did I put that Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly album?

5. Bruce Springsteen - So Young and So in Love

This week's token Bruce track...

Rat traps filled with soul crusaders
They're soppin' 'n' boppin' 'n' moppin' with Little Melvin and the Invaders

 Further evidence where Geldof got his inspiration.


4. This Many Boyfriends - Young Lovers Go Pop!

A new discovery. I only got this record a couple of weeks ago, it was only released last year... yet it could well have been a lost classic from 1986... in fact, this band wouldn't have sounded out of place on the original C86 tape.

If further proof is needed, they have a song called I Don't Like You ('Cos You Don't Like The Pastels).

3. Van Morrison - The Way Young Lovers Do

For a famously cantankerous grumpy old git... Van does recall something of his youth.

2. Mystery Jets (featuring Laura Marling) - Young Love

The Mystery Jets meet a girl, have one magical night of love, she writes her number on the back of their hand, it comes off in the rain, they wander around in frustration trying to find her again. He should have taken a tip from The Jags in my Top Ten Phone Number Songs.

Also - laziest video ever. They can't even be bothered to stand up.

1. The Marvelettes - When You're Young And In Love

Truly epic. Motown at its most magical and life-affirming.





Which one makes you feel young and in love again?

My Top Ten Paranoia Songs

I'm not paranoid. I know you're all out to get me.


10. Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

Garbage kind of passed me by during the 90s. Listening back now, I should have paid more attention.

9. The National - Afraid of Everyone 

Matt Berninger has little voices swallowing his soul and can't even defend his family with his orange umbrella. What's worse: he doesn't have the drugs to sort it out. 

8.  Barry Andrews - Win A Night Out With A Well-Known Paranoiac

A lost, twisted classic from the ex-XTC Shriekback man. Makes Kafka seem like Jackanory.

7. Art of Noise featuring Max Headroom - Paranoimia

Children of the 80s - be afraid. Be very afraid. Max Headroom is your future.

6. The Kinks - Paranoia, The Destroyer

Or: What happened when Ray took Lola home.

See also the much earlier Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues.

5. Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me

Rockwell was Berry Gordy's son. Paranoid music fans claim that this was only ever a hit because Michael Jackson sand the chorus. I claim bollocks: the verses are far more entertaining.

When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair
'Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there
People say I'm crazy, just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much

4. Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV

You may also recognise this as the theme tune to the appropriately paranoid Peep Show. If you're gonna be a one hit wonder, make it a cracker.

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Diggin' holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!

3. James - Out To Get You

Insecure? What you gonna do?

I've seen James perform this live a number of times. Never fails to raise the hair on the back of my neck.

2. Black Sabbath - Paranoid

If you weren't paranoid already, Tony Iommi's relentless riff will do the job. As for why Ozzy's so paranoid... wouldn't you be if you were married to Sharon?

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Having already given this the number one spot in my Top Ten Robot Songs, I thought twice about letting it win this battle as well. But in the end, it's Radiohead's Bohemian Rhapsody. I've have been more paranoid about bumping it down to #2. Plus, it's Thom Yorke taking the piss out of his own image - how often does that happen. Recorded in Jane Seymour's house, named after Marvin (my old nickname) from The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, when I am king you will be first against the wall.

What's that?



See also every single record Morrissey has recorded since The Smiths broke up (and quite a few before that). Far too many to narrow it down to just one choice.

But which one is following you home tonight...?

My Top Ten Prayer Songs

As it's Sunday, I thought we'd give praise via the medium of song...


10. Bloc Party - The Prayer

I'm sure Bloc Party fans will be most put out to see this at 10, especially considering some of the songs below. What can I say? I never claimed to know what I was talking about.

9. Duran Duran - Save A Prayer

Oh, give me a break, you'd only have moaned if I left it out.

Don't watch the video though, it'll only annoy you.

8. Billy Joel - Travelling Prayer

Not listened to this in years. It's bloody excellent.

7. Otis Redding - My Lover's Prayer

Now that's what I call a voice.

6. Cousteau - She Don't Hear Your Prayer

Cousteau: should have been massive.

5. Danny Wilson - Mary's Prayer

Scottish band Danny Wilson were originally called Spencer Tracy. Sadly, Tracy's estate objected, so they instead nicked their name from a character in an old Frank Sinatra movie. This was their biggest hit: the video has some serious quiff action going on, though not from lead singer Gary Clark.

4. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Idiot Prayer

This prayer is for you, my love
Sent on the wings of a dove
An idiot prayer of empty words
Love, dear, is strictly for the birds

Happy Valentine's to you too, Nick.

3. Madonna - Like A Prayer

I only ever fancied Madonna when she had dark hair, pretty much for the duration of this, her best album (in my humble opinion). Of course, the fact that I was 17 at the time might also have had something to do with it. A couple of years later, she took all her clothes off... and I lost all interest.

2. Bon Jovi - Living On A Prayer

Tommy used to work on the docks...

When I came up with the idea for this Top Ten, I was pretty certain this would be Number One. Confound anyone who thinks I try too hard to be cool and indie when I compile these things. (I don't, I just pick the songs I love.) And I so wanted to give it to the Jove... but damn it, then I remembered...

1. Aretha Franklin - I Say A Little Prayer

Burt 'n' Hal. 'Nuff said.

See also the Gene cover version. Do not also see the Glee version or the one by Bomb The Bass featuring Maureen. (Yes, Maureen.)


 


Those were my favourite prayers. Which one makes you get down on your knees?

My Top Ten Jennifer Songs

They're Ten A'Jenny...

Get it? Ten A'...

There's no pleasing you people. 

10. Everly Brothers - Poor Jenny

I don't always think of the Everly Brothers as being among the wittiest of lyricists... but this one's a good old fashioned hoot.

9. Belle & Sebastian - Photo Jenny

Only Stuart Murdoch could get away with singing...

It's getting cold, I'll catch the bus
I'll see my friend when she's finished working
Get some fish and chips
Lalalala, what's on the box?
'Man about the house' with Paula Wilcox

OK, Stuart, but what about Richard O'Sullivan?

8. Strangelove - Jennifer's Song

Patrick Duff at his most romantic. Aww.

7. Donovan - Jennifer Juniper

Also featured in my Top Ten Jupiter and Saturn songs. Because I was lazy.

Jennifer Juniper, sitting very still.
Is she sleeping ? I don't think so.
Is she breathing ? Yes, very low.

Hold a mirror under her nose, Donovan. Just to be on the safe side.

6. Fight Like Apes - Jenny Kelly

Excellent song from the Irish alt-rockers who indulge in a spot of cheese rolling in the video.You won't catch Bono doing that.

You're famous for your awkward smile
Your purple hair
Your wayward smile

5. The Killers - Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine

There was genuine excitement to early Killers songs that's gone awol since they became stadium-filling superstars. This is one of those rare early tracks where you can hear the Johnny Marr influence as much as the Springsteen.

4. The Hollies - Jennifer Eccles

A classic 60s Brit-hit... though I have to admit, I prefer the heartbreaking cover version by Eels.

3. Flight of the Conchords - Jenny

Saw them do this live, though sadly I don't think they've ever released it. It never fails to bring a smile to my face. If you've ever bumped into someone who recognises you but you can't remember them at all... watch the link above.

2. Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - Jennifer She Said

If not for my rather unorthodox selection below, in any other reality, this would have been Number One. It's written there in blue, with a heart and an arrow through.

1. Stephen Malkmus - Jenny & The Ess-Dog

Probably a surprising choice, but this is my all-time favourite Stephen Malkmus song, including everything he did with Pavement. The lyrics are just so good: like an award-winning short story. The details make it.

They kiss when they listen
To "Brothers In Arms"
And if there's something wrong with this
They don't see the harm
In joining their forces and singing along

Those were my spinning Jennies. Which one is your Eccles cake?

My Top Ten Sheep Songs

They're flocking baaad.


10. Pink Floyd - Sheep

Look, I don't mind if you skip this one. It's 10 and a half minutes long. According to the lyrics, it does apparently feature a rather amusing version of The Lord Is My Shepherd in which the sheep wreak their revenge through karate "and make the bugger's eyes water"... but you have to listen VERY carefully. I certainly couldn't hear it.

9. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Sheep May Safely Graze

Being an Australian sheep seems a hell of a lot more dangerous than being a British sheep. Having to worry about crocodiles, poisonous spiders and Nick Cave... brr!

8. Cake - Sheep Go To Heaven

I just want to play on my pan-pipes
I just want to drink me some wine
As soon as you're born you start dying
So you might as well have a good time

7. Scott Walker - Black Sheep Boy

Written by Tim Hardin... who did very well in our previous Top Ten... but in all fairness, he's no Scott Walker, is he?

6. Airhead - Counting Sheep

Not quite as all-conqueringly astounding as their previous single, Funny How (The Girls You Fall In Love With Never Fancy You... Funny How The Ones You Don't Do)  but then, few things are.

Plus, they got some actual sheep in for the video. 

5. Morrissey - Yes, I Am Blind

OK, this would probably be higher if it actually mentioned a sheep in the title.

Little lamb
On a hill
Run fast if you can
Good Christians, they want to kill you
And your life has not even begun!

Oy! Morrissey! No! Didn't you tell us Meat was Murder?

You're just like me, just like me
Oh, your life has not even begun!

Oh. Fair enough then.

4. Genesis - The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway

See, it's still cool to admit to liking Peter Gabriel era Genesis.

And probably very uncool to admit you haven't got a bloody clue what he's on about.

(Still preferable to the Pink Floyd track though.)

3. John Grant - Leopard and Lamb

Don't be surprised if I compile a Top Ten Leopard Songs one day just to feature this track again.

Watch the Simpsons to remember how you laugh
I miss your dark blue eyes, and staring at your back
My leopard, my lamb

2. Kate Bush - And Dream of Sheep

In which Kate falls asleep counting sheep and listening to the shipping forecast.

Ooh, their breath is warm
And they smell like sleep,
And they say they take me home.

If anyone else sang those lyrics, I'd snigger. Kate makes them magical.

1. The Housemartins - Sheep

You're right, of course, sometimes the only reason I compile these charts is to give me the opportunity to proclaim the supreme majesty of records such as this one.

By my calculation, Paul Heaton and Norman Cook were in their early 20s when they filmed this video... even though they both look about 12. Heaton still dresses like your grandad though.




Those were my sheep songs - no room for Woolly Bully, but that had its day in my Top Ten Knitwear Songs.

Which one is your baa-baa-best?

My Top Ten Phone Number Songs (Vol. 2)

Volume 1 featured songs about getting someone's number... this time, it's songs that feature actual phone numbers. Mostly in the title; occasionally, prominently within the chorus.

Start dialling now...

10. Tommy Tutone - 867-5309

A big American hit in 1982... I wasn't in American in 1982. I've never been to America. Maybe I heard Rick Dees or the Emperor Roscoe play it?

9. Hawkshaw Hawkins - Lonesome 7-7203

Hawkshank changes his number when his other half leaves because the only callers he gets are asking for her. He leaves his new number out there though... just in case that special lady ever wants him back.

Hawkshank died in the same plane crash that took Patsy Cline from us. 

8. The Kinks - Long Tall Shorty (424-689)

Well, girls, if you get lonely
Dial 424-689
And your troubles will be over
I'll even give you back you dime

What a gentleman!

7. Squeeze - 853-5937

Could also have made it into my Top Ten Answering Machine Songs, but seemed more appropriate here.

Squeeze were shrunk down to microscopic size to record the video for this song inside an actual telephone.

6. The B52s - 6060-842

Tina finds this number scrawled on the wall of the lady's room. And she actually calls it. Serves her right if Fred Schneider answers. Phew - the number's been disconnected!

5. The Marvelettes  - Beechwood 4-5789

You can call her up and have a date any old time. Alternatively, you could call Karen Carpenter on the same number.

4. AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (362436)

If you're havin' trouble with your high school head
He's givin' you the blues
You wanna graduate but not in 'is bed 
Here's what you gotta do
Pick up the phone, I'm always home
Call me anytime
Just ring: 362436, hey
I lead a life of crime

AC/DC, so the story goes, were sued by an American couple who were getting hundreds of prank calls as a result of "their phone number" being included in this song. But anyone calling was mishearing the lyrics of the song - hearing the "hey" as an "8" to complete the couple's actual phone number.

3. City Boy - 5705

If City Boy were from Birmingham (UK), why were they paying for their calls with a dime?

2. The Glenn Miller Orchestra - Pennsylvania 6-5000

If you don't already consider this a classic, I suggested you watch what it does to Leland Palmer in Twin Peaks...

1. Wilson Pickett - 634-5789 (Soulsville, U.S.A.)

If you need a little lovin', call up the Wicked Pickett - he'll be there as soon as he can.




Which one will you be calling next time you're lonely?

My Top Ten Phone Number Songs (Vol. 1)

Ten songs about getting someone's phone number... or getting it wrong.

Please note - songs featuring actual phone numbers will be featured in a separate Top Ten. I thank you for your patience.


10. The Beatles - You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)

Someone on youtube claims this song as proof that "even when the Beatles were just dicking around, they were better than anything today".

I respectfully disagree. Still, it's a fun enough diversion... until Macca starts the creepy whisper-crooning. Brrr...

9. Luxembourg - Not My Number

Either you're not using your phone at all... or... just perhaps... it's not his number that you call.

8. Elbow - I've Got Your Number

Don't put this note by your face on the pillow
Don't put this letter in the pocket near your heart
Keep it in the bottom drawer where you hide the sex tools
I pray you always need them
I know what you have done

Only Guy Garvey could sing a line like "grow a fucking heart, love" and make it sound both caring and scary.

7. The Cure - Wrong Number

I had the best laid plans this side of America
Started out in church and finished with Angelica
Red and blue soul with a snow-white smile
Can you dig it?

Definitely a wrong number.

6. The Drifters - You're More Than A Number In My Little Black Book

No, really, baby, this time's different... you and me, we're special...

(Why don't I believe him?)

5. Cosmo Jarvis - Jessica Alba's Number

Ah, it's a dilemma faced by many young men living in the unreal world...  if Cosmo had Jessica Alba's number, he'd call her up and ask her to marry him. But he's not all that choosy...

I'd like to go see Toy Story 2,

With just me and Britney Spears, 

And then she'd say "Hit me baby one more time" 

And I'd say, "No way Britney, Domestic Violence is a crime" 

I like the one from Showgirls, 

When she's dancing 'round those poles, 

Or the really, really fit one, 

Who sings in the Pussycat Dolls.
I've nearly got a moustache, 

And they still wouldn't look at me,

Kate Winslet naked in Titanic, 

Or the lesbian from the OC.

4. The Undertones - You've Got My Number (Why Don't You Use It?)

If you wanna, wanna, wanna have someone to talk to... give Feargal Sharkey a call.

3. William Bell & Judy Clay - Private Number

Baby, baby, baby... let me have your private number!

Go on, Judy - he did ask nicely.

2. Steely Dan - Rikki, Don't Lose That Number

There are some bloody excellent songs on this particular Top Ten, and for a while I thought this might come out top. Then I had a change of heart...

1. The Jags - Back Of My Hand 

I've got your number - written on the back of my hand

A classic slice of early 80s power pop, reminiscent of Elvis Costello at his best. Sadly it was the band's only big hit.



So... who you gonna call?

My Top Ten Breakfast Menu Songs

Ten songs you might find on your breakfast menu. Don't worry, Supertramp fans, I'll get on to songs with "breakfast" in the title... some other day.

Special mention, of course, goes to Orange Juice, Marmalade and Martha & The Muffins.

I'll dedicate this one to Kelloggsville!


10. G. Love & Special Sauce - Milk & Cereal

Ah, the 90s. So much to answer for.

Unlike most of the songs in this Top Ten, this is exactly about what it says it is.

9. Adam & The Ants - Omelette From Outer Space

Quite.

New Adam Ant album out this week... and from my first listen, I think it sounds pretty spiffy.

8. Electric Six - French Bacon

And now she's living in a shack on the firing line,
With a fridge filled with French bacon,
Mouthing all the words of a famous mime,
For whom she's commonly mistaken.
I love her, I knew her,
I knew she couldn't hang,
And now she's dying in a ditch on the county line,
From a device of her own making.

7. The Band - Orange Juice Blues

Woke up this morning and all I had was Sunny Delight...

(Not really. I hate Sunny Delight.)

6. James - Coffee & Toast

One of my favourite James songs, frustratingly unreleased except as a bonus download from one of their later albums. They should have made it a single.

Also featured on my Top Ten Coffee Songs, some years ago. Along with Squeeze's Black Coffee In Bed, if you were wondering.  



5. Mystery Jets - Flakes

OK, so it's probably got very little to do with Mr. Kelloggs' greatest invention. But it's a mighty, mighty tune nevertheless. Video's a bit weird though.

4. Tom Waits - Eggs and Sausage (In a Cadillac With Susan Michaelson)

Tom Waits has eaten breakfast at every joint in town. This is his recommendation.

Extra points for rhyming "tipsy hacks" with "insomniacs".

3. Placebo - Special K

Brian Molko's breakfast of choice. He likes to keep his sylphlike figure.

(What do you mean he's not singing about cereal?)

2. Labelle - Lady Marmalade

Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

(But not if you prefer the All Saints version.)

1. Streetband - Toast

When he grew up, he wanted to be Paul Young. Result! (Except it's arguable whether he ever made a better record.)




Which one will you be ordering this morning?

My Top Ten (Non-Christmassy) Snow Songs

Because it's been snowing this week. Round these part, anyway. And, as usual, people have been acting like it's the end of the world...

The only rule for this one was that I couldn't have any Christmas songs. For obvious reasons. Hence, no matter how good a song 'Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow' might be... it's not getting in.


10. Belle & Sebastian - The Fox In The Snow

Having grown up on a farm and seen the after-effects of a fox in a chicken house, I shouldn't have much sympathy for the animals. But I do. Besides, Stuart Murdoch could make me shed a tear for even the most hateful of creatures: that's just his gift. One day he'll write a song about Tom Hanks or Michael McIntyre and all will be forgiven...

9. Shirley Lee - The First Time You Saw Snow

I make no apologies for featuring two Shirley Lee records in the space of two Top Tens, even if most of you have never heard of him. Sadly this one has disappeared from its original online source, but I'm sure you can hear it somewhere if you search hard enough. It's worth the effort!

8. The Pernice Brothers - Snow

Or, if you prefer, from the same album: Pisshole In The Snow. Joe Pernice is a big Morrissey fan, you know.

7. Black Sabbath - Snowblind

Ozzy's got icicles in his brain. This could explain so much. (What do you mean it's a metaphor?)

6. Jackie Leven - Stopped by Woods on a Snowy Evening

A poem by Robert Frost, given gorgeous voice by the late Jackie Leven. As beautiful as a fresh snowfall.

5. Divine Comedy - Snowball in Negative

All through this short life we give of ourselves
Giving and giving and slowly diminishing
Leaving a mark that will gradually fade
Ash in the breeze, snowballs in negative

4. Handsome Family - The Snow White Diner

The first Handsome Family song I ever heard and still a favourite. As the youtube poster remarks, it's "very Twin Peaksy".

3. JJ72 - Snow

Another lost classic from a great little indie band named after 72 jam jars. (Or so says the ever unreliable t'internet.)

2. Anne Murray - Snowbird

Not only is this a beautiful song, but Anne Murray was also once the world's best female celebrity golfer. Elvis's version is pretty good, but he was rubbish with a golf club.

1. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Fifteen Feet of Pure White Snow

Nick goes all Mike Oldfield on our snowy ass. Chilling... in every sense of the word. 

I waved to my neighbour
My neighbour waved to me
But my neighbour
Is my enemy
I kept waving my arms
Till I could not see
Under fifteen feet of pure white snow

Those were my snowy songs... which one gets you all flakey?

My Top Ten Answering Machine Songs

Ten great songs left on answering machines...


10.  Ben Folds Five - Your Most Valuable Possession

So, apparently, Ben Folds' dad suffers from somniloquy, a condition where you talk in your sleep... which makes you, apparently, ring up your rock star son and leave garbled messages on his answering machine which he then sets to music and uses to pad out his records. Or so the internet would have me believe.

9. Dandy Warhols - Phone Call

I don't know the story behind this disturbing series of answer phone messages set to haunting music... but it scares the hell out of me nevertheless.

8. Laptop - End Credits

If you came home to an answering message like this one, you'd probably never sleep again.

7. Blake Shelton - Austin

Big-stetson C&W at its most shamelessly cheesey. Nothing wrong with that.

If you're callin' 'bout the car, I sold it
If this is Tuesday night, I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

6. Cinerama - Maniac

On the other hand, some exes leave rather less romantic answerphone messages. This one drives David Gedge to call back... no doubt making matters much worse. You've got to learn when to let it drop, Dave.

And when I made that stupid oath
About how I was going to
Pay for someone to kill you both
It was just my way of showing you
That I wasn't playing

Oh yeah, you're right, I sounded like a maniac
But that's just what I'm saying
You'll only see how much I've changed
If you come back

5. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir

Not the first time I've found a way to include this song in a Top Ten... doubt it'll be the last. A tribute to Shirley's dear departed dad, it's one of the most emotionally devastating songs I've ever heard. Never fails to bring a tear to my eye*, especially when he plays that answerphone message at the end.



(*As proof, I just listened to it again now and my eyes are streaming.)

4. Paul Evans - Hello, This is Joannie (The Telephone Answering Machine Song)

Wow. Not heard this for years, but it does remind me of my childhood. Guess they must have played it lots on Radio 2 when I was 7.

Evans was an old rock 'n' roller from the 50s - he had a hit with the original version of Seven Little Girls (Sitting in the Back Seat). This was a surprise comeback hit in 1979, another excellent car crash song... with a morbid twist. The answerphone chorus is sung by Lea Jane Berinati. In case you were wondering.

3. De La Soul - Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)

You know, the one that Curiosity Killed The Cat... borrowed.

2. Pulp - Ansaphone

Are you really not at home?
Or are you there but not alone?
Screening calls you don't want to receive
Meaning calls... calls that come from me.

If you weren't such  perv, Jarvis, she'd pick up.

1. The Replacements - Answering Machine

Raw and beautiful, Paul Westerberg and co. at their best.

How do you say goodnight to an answering machine?

Leave your favourite after the bleep.

My Top Ten Ohio Songs

Not done one of my US road trip Top Tens for awhile. Wasn't sure I could get a whole post out of songs about the Buckeye State, but it's amazing what you find when you start digging around in your music library...


10. Over The Rhine - Ohio

A native band who take their name from a historic neighbourhood in Cincinnati. Lovely song.

9. The Ohio Players - O.H.I.O.

The funkiest Ohio band ever, these guys were together in one guise or another for over 40 years, scoring a pair of US Number Ones in the mid-70s, Fire and Love Rollercoaster (covered in the 90s by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers who had a minor UK hit with it). O.H.I.O. isn't their greatest moment, but it is the one that spells out their state of origin.

8. Super Furry Animals - Ohio Heat

Sycamore trees blowing green in the distance
She sucked on her thumb in her beautiful jail
A sentence to serve as her dynasty blows up inside her balloon
Salty Maureen had a bun in the oven
The daughters of charity let out a sigh
As she suffered they pleaded for mercy she needed a long time ago

And that is why the SFA are ace.

7. The Melting Ice Caps - Ohio

You have to wonder whether professional British miserablist David Shah has ever set foot in Ohio. Sometimes I wonder if he ever sets foot out of his house. Still, more power to him as long as he keeps recording tunes like this one, free to download from the band's website at the link above.

I also just discovered they released a new album last year - available to buy from the Indelicates' Corporate Records site. I look forward to giving that a spin.

6. The Handsome Family - Banks of the Ohio

A traditional folk song murder ballad covered by everyone from Johnny Cash to Olivia Newton John (in, of all places, a Cliff Richard movie). But the Handsome Family always win in the Murder Ballad Olympics as far as I'm concerned.

5. Bowling For Soup - Ohio (Come Back To Texas)

Bowling For Soup always make me smile.

4. Lambchop - Ohio

A song about Kurt Wagner's childhood paper round. I think. It's too lovely to dwell on the meaning - just enjoy the feeling.

3. Nilsson - Dayton, Ohio 1903

A Randy Newman song (here's the original), but the Harry Nilsson version is preferable... because it's Harry bloody-beautiful Nilsson.

Sing a song of long ago
When things were green and movin' slow
And people'd stop to say hello
Or they'd say "hi" to you
"Would you like to come over for tea
With the missus and me?"
It's a real nice way
To spend the day
In Dayton, Ohio
On a lazy Sunday afternoon in 1903

2. The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio

The National get carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees. Just another day at the office for them guys.

1. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Ohio

Neil Young's scream of protest against the Kent State massacre was banned by American radio for pointing the finger of blame at Richard Nixon. It remains one of the most powerful protest songs ever written.

The Dandy Warhols also did a suitably trippy cover.


Those were my Buckeyed Best... but which is your champion conker*?


(*On investigation, I discovered that the Buckeye is a tree which produces conkers similar to our own Horse Chestnut. See, we're not only about the obscure pop records here.)

My Top Ten Shopping Songs

Much is being written about the precariously uncertain fate of HMV, and while I'm not the regular customer I once was (partly due to other outlets, partly due to the lack of choice and other issues I have with our only remaining high street music chain) I would be sorry to see it go. Why, I was in there only the other day (before the news was announced), buying the Jake Bugg CD.

Anyway, in tribute, here's ten songs about shops and shopping...

10. Franz Ferdinand - Shopping For Blood

The FF boys channel Iggy Pop. Lovely stuff.

9. Athlete - Second Hand Stores

Maybe this is all we'll be left with soon...

8. Helen Love - Junk Shop Discotheque

Cos my record collection is your summer injection,
Of garage, beat, bubblegum, disco, and soul

7. Dean Friedman - Shopping Bag Ladies

A song that's more about the ladies than the shopping... but what a song! Even the ropey live recording can't rob it of its beauty.

6. Babybird - Cornershop

Another soon-to-extinct institution? They'll all be Tesco Directs and Sainsbury's Locals soon.

5. The Jam - Shopping

As I flit from shop window to window
I'm trying to pick up a friendly bargain
But it's not like the adverts all make out
And there's no one to greet you as a friend

4. The Clash - Lost In The Supermarket

Of course, supermarkets will never replace record shops, caring only about the pile-it-high-sell-it-cheap Top 40 and their bottom line. They have as much interest in music as I have in over 60s naked sky-diving.Still, if HMV does go under, perhaps the independent record shops will strike back...?

3. The Smiths - Shoplifters of the World Unite

 Now, Moz, that's hardly helpful, is it? Even if the owners of Nipper the Dog are one of the many record companies you've fallen foul of over the years.

See also Carter USM - A Nation of Shoplifters.

Well, never mind, never mind.

2. Smokey Robinson & The Miracles - Shop Around

As a young man, I used to shop around... just as Smokey suggests. Long, pleasurable Saturday afternoons spent wandering around Leeds, popping into all the record shops (and comic shops!), both chain and indie, looking for a bargain. I imagine a similar afternoon would be finished much more quickly these days...

I've always loved this song, but watching the video makes me love it all the more.

1. The Freshies - I'm In Love With A Girl On The Manchester Virgin Megastore's Checkout Desk

Well, it was the only record I could think of about big chain record shops... even if it does namedrop HMV's former rival.

RIP, Frank Sidebottom.



Those were my shopping songs... which one is your must-buy?

My Top Ten Operator Songs

Many, many years ago, when they had such things, my mum used to be a switchboard operator. The stories she could tell about the things she heard! Do we even still have operators? I can't imagine too many people dedicating a song to a pre-recorded "virtual switchboard". Press one for "the romance is dead".

Special mention to Operator Please, the band who recorded the amazing Just A Song About Ping Pong and The Operator by The Coral, which is actually about getting kidnapped and operated on by a bunch of psycho surgeons. Or something.


10. Gladys Knight & The Pips - Operator

As if calling her boyfriend to apologise for all the bad things she's done wasn't enough of a chore... poor Gladys has to go through the operator too!

9. Pete Shelley - Telephone Operator

Ever fallen in love with a video you shouldn't have?

Wikipedia informs me that if you play the arcade game Dance Dance Revolution, you get to dance to this song... in an arcade. Glad I don't believe anything I read on wikipedia.

8. Talking Heads - Dream Operator

Probably has nothing to do with making a telephone call... though you can never be sure with David Byrne. Still: quite lovely.

7. Nick Lowe - Switchboard Susan

How many telephone puns / innuendos can one songwriter squeeze into one song?

When I'm near you girl, I get an extension
And I don't mean Alexander Graham Bell's invention

6. Jim Croce - Operator (That's Not The Way It Feels)

Or, if Jim's moustache is too much for you, can I recommend the rather fine Jesse Malin cover version?

5. Chuck Berry - Memphis, Tennessee

I make no apologies for the fact that this was already featured in my Top Ten Memphis Songs. It's a stone cold classic.

4.  The Rah Band - Clouds Across The Moon

In space, the intergalactic operator can't hear you scream.

If the future really looks like the Rah Band imagined it would in this video, I'll want my money back.

Never mind. I'll try again... next year... next year... next year...

3. The White Stripes - Hello, Operator

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Jack White's phone still had an operator. He probably refuses to use any of them new-fangled ones.

2. Dr. Hook - Sylvia's Mother

Dennis keeps trying to get through to Sylvia. Her mother just wants him to leave her alone. The operator keeps demanding "forty cents more" to continue the conversation "for the next three minutes".

1. Tom Waits - Martha

I almost gave this one to Dr. Hook, which would have been suitably anti-cool of me. But then I remembered
this...

Operator, number please
It´s been so many years
And she´ll remember my old voice
While I fight the tears
Hello, hello there, is this Martha ?
This is old Tom Frost
And I am calling long distance
Don´t worry ´bout the cost...

Tom Waits sounds like a weary old man on this recording. The scary / crazy thing is, he was 24 years old when it was released...



Those are the songs that get me calling the operator - but which one would be your hold music of choice?

My Top Ten Susan Songs

My name is Sue... how do you do?


10. The Kinks - Susanna's Still Alive

Until I listened to it again while compiling this Top Ten, I had no idea just how gloriously miserable the lyrics to this song actually are.

Whiskey or gin, that's alright,
Both have been in her bed at night
She sleeps with the covers down,
Hopin' that somebody gets in.
Doesn't matter what she does,
She knows that she can't win.
Oh, Suzannah's gonna cry.

9. Aimee Mann - Susan

I love this song, but it always makes me wonder... do Americans really pronounce the word "buoy" as "booie"... or did Aimee just do that for the rhyme?

8. Morrissey - Black-Eyed Susan

Moz's tribute to Siouxsie Sioux, with whom he recorded the sublime duet, Interlude... and then, naturally, had a bit of a falling out.

7. Leonard Cohen - Suzanne

Just gorgeous.

6. The Art Company - Susanna

Or VOF de Kunst, to use their original Dutch name. Wonder why they changed it when they released this single in the UK?

If you don't already love this record, I suggest you watch the video then seriously reconsider your position.

5. Buddy Holly - Peggy Sue

Buddy felt blue without her... and then, to make matters worse, she only went and Got Married. It could have been worse, Buddy might have met Julian Cope's Peggy Suicide instead.

4. Johnny Cash - A Boy Named Sue

Johnny played this one Live At San Quentin. Incitement to patricide, anyone?

Remember, John Wayne's Dad named him Marion and Big Daddy's Dad named him Shirley.

3. Pulp - Inside Susan

Susan catches the bus into town at ten-thirty a.m.
She sits on the back seat.
She looks at the man in front's head
and thinks how his fat wrinkled neck is like a large carrot
sticking out from the collar of his shirt.
She adds up the numbers on her bus ticket to see if they make twenty-one,
but they don't.
Maybe she shouldn't bother going to school at all, then.
Her friends will be in the yard with their arms folded on their chests,
pushing up their breasts to try and make them look bigger,
whilst the boys will be too busy playing football to notice.

2. Dion & The Belmonts - Runaround Sue

If the vocal intro to this song doesn't make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, you've got no rock 'n' roll in your soul.

1. Eels - Susan's House

Still the strangest song Mark Everett has ever recorded... can you imagine a world where this made the UK Singles Chart?

#9 in 1997... those were the days!




Apologies if I missed your favourite Susan... please don't (ahem) sue me.

My Top Ten Online Songs

Ten songs about the internet age... with some very pertinent observations.


10. O Pioneers!!! - Chris Ryan Added Me On Facebook

A bit shouty, but so true.

Let’s pretend, that we are friends 
Just like we were back in high school. 
You can send me messages, that I’m sure that I can relate to
Just like in high school. 
Every other week, you can call me. 
Call me on the telephone. 
We can talk about our misadventures, and our breakthroughs. 
Just like in high school. 

See I’m older now, and I don’t give a damn, if I ever talk to you again.

9. The Lancashire Hotpots - eBay 'eck.

See also: I Met A Girl On Myspace. If you like extremely juvenile innuendo.

Word to your mother - how is your mother?

8. Gym Class Heroes - New Friend Request

So click approve, so simple
Show me some kind of sign and let me know it's time to make my move
Just click approve, come on girl

7. Paul & The Patients - Blogspot

It seems that Paul believes blogs are full of self-opinionated blowhards constantly foisting their twaddlelicious opinions on other people. Well, I think that's JUST RUBBISH.

;-) Winking smiley face. ;-)

6. Evelyn Evelyn - My Space

Wow, is Amanda Palmer really old enough to remember myspace? Is anybody...?

And you can't always want what you get,
When you're looking for love,
In a cafe on the internet.
You want somewhere to hide,
Where everyone can find you.
You join hands with the world and say,
'I just want my space.'

5. Superman Revenge Squad - Woman Hating Internet Pornography

Good old Superman Revenge Squad, making a stand - and mentioning Morrissey in the lyrics too.

4. Chumbawamba - On eBay

On eBay, they bought a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink and a cider drink. Bargain!

See also Add Me...

I'm a loner alone with neuroses and hate
Anger is a permanent character trait
My letter bombs are primed and ready to send
Would you like to add me as a friend?
I'm a wound-up whiner with a fetish for guns
I'm almost 50 and I live with my Mum
I hope my nude picture doesn't offend
Would you like to add me as a friend?

Add me. Add me
My mother says she wished she'd never had me
Add me. Add me
Would you like to add me as a friend?

3. Martin Rossiter - Where There Are Pixels 

From the amazing new album by the former Gene frontman. (Have I mentioned this previously?) Get it here.

I bear the torch, I hold it high
It burns aflame for those who tried
But found the outside far too dim
And soon realised
Their life's online... just like mine

2. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess

Good old Nigel Blackwell... he doesn't just get pissed off by life's little niggles - he writes top songs about them too.

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay 

Too late
With your N at E3
Good game, sir, do you want another bout?
Well, Dennis ain't replying cause he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess!

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

1. Brad Paisley - Online

In which George from Seinfeld creates a whole new internet identity for himself... he is Brad Paisley. (And his dad is Bill Shatner - how cool is that?)

'Cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way... chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

Those were my favourite songs about the internet... but which ones get you logged on?

My Top Ten Only One Songs

No. Not 'One & Only'. Chesney Hawkes fans, I'm sorry, there's nothing here for you today...

10.  The Clint Boon Experience - Only One Way I Can Go

Mr. Boon... play that tune!

9. Arctic Monkeys - Only Ones Who Know

A timely ditty from the second Monkeys album...

And I hope you're holding hands by New Year's Eve,
They made it far too easy to believe,
That true romance can't be achieved these days

8. The Sundays - You're Not The Only One I Know

Lovely.


7. Jimmy Ruffin - Maria (You Were The Only One)

Michael Jackson also recorded this. But with all due respect... not half as well as Jimmy.

6. Karine Polwart - Only One Way


The Scottish singer-songwriter whose first name I stole for one of my characters in Department of the Peculiar. (Not bought your copy yet? Get it here.)

And when a genocidal maniac talks about grief
And you kinda get the feeling that there’s nothing underneath
But you can’t believe a man would lie through such nice teeth
There's only one way

5. Billy Bragg - The Only One

The chain that fell off my bike last night
Is now wrapped round my heart
Sometimes I think that
Fate has been against us from the start

 No one writes 'em like Billy.

4. Harry Chapin - There Was Only One Choice

14 minutes long... and not a second wasted. A masterclass in songwriting... all about writing songs.

Strum your guitar -- sing it kid
Just write about your feelings -- not the things you never did
Inexperience -- it once had cursed me
But your youth is no handicap -- it's what makes you thirsty

3. The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet

OK, that rule I have about not including band names in my Top Tens? Breakable if the song's as good as this one. Space travel's in my blood...

2. Huey Lewis & The News - The Only One

A belter from Huey's second album, Picture This. The story of a high school hero whose later life leads to tragedy. You know, the sort of kid you think: he's got it made... and then, years later, you find out how much he blew it. I'd forgotten how much I loved this song when I was a teenager. Perhaps I was maliciously wishing a similar fate on some of the "popular" kids I knew in high school...

1. The Charlatans - The Only One I Know

The Charlies' biggest hit has a fantastic funky intro, and a Hammond organ that could only have come from the early 90s.


I chose ten... but you can have only one. Obviously.

My Top Ten Albums Of 2012

OK, yesterday I did #20 - 11. Before we get to the Top Ten though, I'd like to take a moment to mention a record that would have made this chart, had my copy not arrived earlier this week, after my Top Twenty had been put to bed. (I ordered it ages ago, but the postman obviously nicked the first one as it never arrived... something that's happened quite a lot this Christmas.)

Anyway, The North Sea Scrolls is a collaboration between "The Legend That Is" Luke Haines, former Fatima Mansion Cathal Coughlan, and author / Blazing Zoo frontman Andrew Mueller. The Scrolls tell a secret, semi-hidden history of the British Isles in which Ian Ball (from Gomez) is replaced by Ian Ball (the attempted kidnapper of Princess Anne in 1974), Arthur Scargill becomes the Witchfinder General, the obscure bit-part actor Tony Allen is revealed to be "...the hidden hand behind the paintings of Sir Francis Bacon, the secret lover of Sid James, a patient of R.D. Laing, an assiduous curator of Northern Soul, and the probable catalyst for the least tedious stretches of the career of Fleetwood Mac", Enoch Powell is made Poet Laureate (as well as joining Steve Hillage in Gong), and the DJ Chris Evans is burnt at the stake, only to subsequently become a martyr.

"He said 'Cry no more for Jimmy Five-Bellies
Save your tears for Billie'.
Hospital radio to the breakfast show
The flames kissed my golden curls - and I kissed a thousand girls
Oh, I was a sinful man... when I was a kissogram."

Frankly, it's a work of genius (a horrifically over-used word, even on this blog, but rarely more accurately applied) and it might easily have slipped its way into my Top Three of 2012 had I not already unveiled #11 - 20. I'd recommend you purchase a copy of the limited edition 2 disc CD before they're all gone (I think there's a few still left on Amazon, after that it'll be available by download only).

"...however, as the album in question... is a suite of obtusely satirical songs linked by whimsical spoken word sequences... absolutely nobody pays any attention."

10. Bruce Springsteen - Wrecking Ball

Because he's still The Boss and he's still got plenty to say. And because seeing him live again this summer was a highlight of my year.

Recommended tracks: Death To My Hometown, Wrecking Ball.

9. Ben Folds Five - The Sound of the Life of the Mind

Still not sure why Ben felt the need to get his old band back together, particularly as the resultant album sounds no different to the material he's been releasing solo since the Five split 12 years ago. While not quite as earth-shatteringly brilliant as his recent collaboration with Nick Hornby (though one track is a leftover Hornby co-composition from those sessions), the album does feature a song which advises, "If you can't draw a crowd, draw dicks on a wall" and a video featuring Fraggle Rock. What else do you need to know?

Sara already knows pretty soon she'll be leaving
Well, she's hoovered up whatever she can find
But she doesn't want to hear about
Pregnancies, foam fights, TV, take-outs, have sex, weddings
The sound of the life she'll leave behind

Recommended tracks: Do It Anyway, The Sound of the Life of the Mind.  

8. Dexys - One Day I'm Going To Soar

27 years after their last album (god, that makes me feel old), Kevin Rowland drags back a couple of his old collaborators, adds a couple of new ones, and unleashes a monster only he could have created. An autobiographical concept album that won't be for everyone... but if you get it, you'll love it.

Recommended tracks: I'm Always Going To Love You followed immediately by Incapable of Love. (You have to listen to them in that order.)
 
7. Jack White - Blunderbuss

Of course, Jack White's first solo album doesn't sound any different to The White Stripes - he even rips off his most famous guitar riff on one track. That said, in places this records sounds both ultra-contemporary and fabulously retro. There are very few artists who can straddle 60 years of rock 'n' roll so effortlessly. Plus, I'm a sucker for the Noo Yoik accent Jack adopts on I'm Shaking. "You got me noivous."

Recommended tracks: Freedom At 21, I'm Shakin'.

6. Fun. - Some Nights

See, the charts aren't all bad these days. Fun. do exactly what it says on the tin - huge indie-tinged pop anthems that owe as much to Queen as they do The Killers (in an ideal world, perhaps they should have called themselves Killer Queen). We Are Young succeeded because of its epic chorus, yet it's the unpredictable verse I found most interesting, in a curious, Franz Ferdinand fashion.

Recommended Tracks: We Are Young, Some Nights. 

5. Martin Rossiter - The Defenestration of St Martin

Someone else who's been away far too long. The last Gene album was released in 2001: Martin's been threatening a solo assault ever since. The Defenestration... wasn't entirely what we'd expected, a subdued affair made up largely of piano and vocals (cheekily, he throws in an electric guitar in the final fade out), yet it's as beautiful and devastating as the best of his Gene work and an intensely personal statement besides. A record everyone should hear, though I doubt they will.

Recommended tracks: Drop Anchor, I Want To Choose When I Sleep Alone. (But I only chose them because they were the best quality tracks on youtube.)

4. Rumer - Boys Don't Cry

An album of covers written by the cream of 70s singer-songwriters (including Gilbert O'Sullivan, Clifford T. Ward and Neil Young), from the most angelic voice in contemporary music. Rumer, dear, you had me as soon as I heard your beautiful version of Jimmy Webb's PF Sloan. I don't think I'll ever tire of listening to this record. 

Recommended tracks: PF Sloan, Home Thoughts From Abroad, A Man Needs A Maid. 

3. Ultrasound - Play For Today

And finally in our "Where The Hell Have You Been?" category: Wakefield's own Ultrasound. Back in 1999, Tiny and co. released one epic rock album, Everything Picture, and a handful of classic singles (that Kurt Russell was only ever a b-side is a testament to the quality - and bizarre choices - that characterised their previous output) before splitting up and calling it a day. And then, perhaps because everybody had given up hope of ever hearing their like again, they returned late in 2011 with one of the best singles of last year, followed by one of the best albums of this. Stick around a bit longer this time, please.

Recommended tracks: Welfare State, Nonsense.

2. Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

I was tempted to drop this down a few places purely because of the enormous success Ms. Del Rey has enjoyed this year. Since when were my year end picks so populist? But I can't deny it: I've listened to this record more than just about any other this year. OK, in places, it does sound very similar to Like A Prayer era Madonna - but that was Madonna at her best. And yes, the hip hop Nancy Sinatra act will soon get tired. The record company's milking Born To Die for all it's got... which makes you wonder if Lana will ever match it. Whatever - no other record says 2012 for me like this. Whether I'll still be listening to it in 20 years is another question. When was the last time I listened to Like A Prayer?

Recommended tracks: Video Games, Radio.

1. Mystery Jets - Radlands

With their fourth album, the Mystery Jets stepped up from being just another fun little indie band to become serious contenders (just like Noah & The Whale did last year). Wearing their influences on their sleeves (blatantly on the excellent "dividing up our record collection" lead single Greatest Hits), they delivered a record steeped in 70s Americana, all the way from Twickenham.

Recommended tracks: The Hale Bop, You Had Me At Hello... or any of the other 9 songs on this unswitchoffable collection.




So, those were the albums that made my year. Go buy them all now and enrich your record collection. Then tell me yours...