Emergency Questions #11: Heavenly Age

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

Summer's over and the time is right to bring back some of the ongoing series I abandoned just prior to my holiday from teaching (aka the Exhaustion Weeks). It's a cliché that I go back to work for a rest, but... 

Kevin Rowland - Age Can't Wither You

As usual, I'm stealing another query from Richard Herring's book EMERGENCY QUESTIONS and trying to answer it with added songs. Here's today's question...

What age would you like to be when you get to heaven, presuming there is a heaven and you get to choose what age you'll be when you're up there?

Ernest Tubb - It's The Age That Makes The Difference

Putting aside whether or not we believe in any kind of afterlife, this is a thought-provoking question. If we're lucky enough to live to an old age, we wouldn't want to be stuck at that age, for eternity, with all the frailties, disabilities and marble loss that might come with it. We'd want to be young and strong and ready to take best advantage of our nirvana...

New Order - Age Of Consent

Would we want then to spend immortality reliving the "best years of our lives"? Oh, to be 16 again...  

Hello Saferide - X Telling Me About The Loss Of Something Dear, At Age 16

No thank you very much. I wouldn't mind going back and reliving a good day of my adolescence, safe in the knowledge that I could return to where I am right now before the bad days kick in. Because I did have a good many bad days as a teenager, days of self-doubt, embarrassment, humiliation days and crushing loneliness. 

Joe Jackson - Awkward Age

Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

What about my twenties then? When I was a bit more grown up? And even more messed up...

Pet Shop Boys - Twenty Something

Taylor Swift - 22

Probably not. 

In my thirties, maybe then I finally got a handle on this thing called life... though I still didn't feel like a proper grown-up. (Still don't.) 

Aimee Man - 31 Today

In answer to Rich's question then, I'd probably choose to be mid-30s. Some time just before I fell down the stairs and broke my arm, also causing a slipped disc in my back which still bothers me today. Some time before the aches and pains set in... 

Willie Nelson - Don't Be Ashamed Of Your Age

Department S - Age Concern

I realise I'm a bit unusual though. Maybe you would choose to be 16 forever... or 21... or even 7?

What age would you pick to live out the hereafter?

Emergency Questions #8: Museum Trip

Mark Lanegan - Museum

Richard Herring's question of the week, from his excellent book Emergency Questions...

What's the best museum you've ever been to? 

Rich's answer to this is the Keswick Pencil Museum, which I have to say takes some beating. He's probably being sarcastic, although maybe not, because I'm sure he appreciates a good pencil like the rest of us. Having been there myself, I can highly recommend it.

Styrofoam Winos - Stuck In A Museum

The photo at the top of the page was taken in the Weston Park Museum in Sheffield, which was probably the first museum we ever took Sam to... but we still enjoy visiting it today. The woolly rhino is worth the price of admission on its own... or it would be, if admission wasn't free.

Aimee Mann - At The Frick Museum

Michael Knight - Fright at the Museum

A more local museum that we still pop into from time to time, even though it'll only kill half an hour or so is the Tolson Musuem in Ravensknowle Hall, Huddersfield. There are a few old cars, an old trolleybus and... best of all, a horse that has been cut in half to reveal its skeleton. From one side, it's a horse, from the other... brrr! 

Lonely Tourist - Museum of Childhood

Muse - Muscle Museum

The South Yorkshire Aircraft Museum has also become a regular summer stop for Sam and I. An excellent collection of old planes and helicopters, some that you can sit in and pretend you're a pilot.

Michael Hall - The Museum Of Giant Puppets, PA

Paul Weller - The Strange Museum

I like a museum that allows you to step back in time and see the world as it was in days gone by. One of the best of these is Ryedale Folk Museum in North Yorkshire; it's like wandering around an old village and you can go into the old shops, farm buildings and cottages and really feel like you've gone back in time.

Tiny Ruins - Me At The Museum, You In The Wintergardens

Finally, there's the National Science and Media Museum in Bradford - formerly known (back when I worked in the city) as the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television. They have lots of ever-changing interactive exhibits, but the best thing is the Hall of Mirrors. They were closed last year for extensive renovation, so I'm looking forward to seeing what's new in the summer holidays.

Robyn Hitchcock & The Venus 3 - Museum of Sex

Graham Parker - Museum of Stupidity

Having listed some of the best museums Sam and I have visited over the years, I still haven't answer Richard Herring's question. My favourite museum? Well, it'd have to be this one...

Do you know the history of the trench coat?
What it represents and who it's for?
What I want to know is who would want a coat
So close to the floor?
I went to the Trench Coat Museum to see 'em
A thousand different cuts
Like pelts from another dream
Stuffed and bursting at the seams
Cause I'm fishing for a theme
If it's somewhere in between
A day's honest graft and constantly fleeing the crime scene...

Do you have a favourite museum?

Snapshots #375: A Top 15 Songs About A Christmas Carol

Bah! Humbug!

Fifteen tunes dedicated to Ebeneezer Scrooge, and the cast of A Christmas Carol...

15. Himalayan utopias.

The Shangri Las - Past, Present & Future

That'll be the best song you hear today.

14. Mark Strange.

Mark Strange, as I'm sure you're all aware, is the current Primus (the presiding bishop) of the Scottish Episcopal Church.

Primus - Bob

This was as close as I could get to a song about Bob Cratchit.

13. Cloned man is an aberration.

"Cloned man" is an excellent anagram.

Don McLean - Marley's Song (Save Yourself)

12. Venus slippers?

Venus Slippers are a type of Orchid.

The Orchids - Mr. Scrooge

11. Shoemakers from Bromley.

Keston Cobbler's Club - Marley

10. Wendy, Etta, Tommy and Sonny get together.

The James Gang - Fred

Fred, as I'm sure you're all aware, was Scrooge's nephew.

9. Exciting times follow the commercials.

After the ads come...

The Ventures - Scrooge

8. Did Yves Saint make shampoo?

Laurent Garnier - Greed

7. Aussie woman known for doing one's drugs.

The Aussie woman would be a Sheila. This week's number one act were known for liking their E.

Sheila E - The Belle Of Saint Mark

Belle, as I'm sure you're all aware, was Scrooge's former fiancée.

6. A watery grave for bloke who upsets middle-class women of a certain age.

Greg Wallace is the scoundrel deserving of being buried in a Lake...

Greg Lake - Humbug

That's the B-side to a rather more well-known Christmas tune.

5. Shirley's Happy pal makes a lovely cake.

The Happy Days spin-off show featured Laverne & Shirley. A baker makes cakes.

Lavern Baker - Tiny Tim

4. Parenthetic Screamers (Mr Agana).

Parenthetic Screamers was an anagram... as was Mr Agana.

Manic Street Preachers - The Ghost Of Christmas

3. A superhero with the powers of Rigby, MacDonald and Winehouse.

Sounds like a job for Amy-Man!

Aimee Mann - Jacob Marley's Chain

2. Poor Cecelia, so befuddled.

"Poor Cecelia" was an anagram...

Alice Cooper - Make That Money (Scrooge's Song)

1. Sounds like Halifax Town.

Halifax Town, as I'm sure you're all aware, are also known as the Shay-Men.

The Shamen - Ebeneezer Good

A great philosopher once wrote: Naughty naughty, very naughty...

And to all, a good night.

More (less-seasonal) Snapshots next Saturday.

Memory Mixtape #28: Mum's Driving

REM - Drive

Due to failing eyesight, my mum stopped driving more than twenty years ago. However, the stories about when she was a driver are the stuff of family legend. 

Adam & The Ants - Cartrouble

Obviously, there's the time she drove the wrong way down a one way street.

Mink Deville - One Way Street

And the time she almost drove me and my grandma (her mum) off a cliff. (They were arguing about which way to go. I was in the backseat, clinging on for deer life.)

Del Amitri - Driving With The Brakes On

And the time she drove over an open manhole from which a workman's head had been protruding a few seconds earlier. (Good job he ducked.)

Queen - Don't Lose Your Head

Perhaps most famous of all is the time that she stalled in the middle of roadworks and the policeman who was directing traffic got down on his knees in front of her car and put his hands together in prayer, begging her to move.

Shakin' Stevens - She Drives Me Crazy

We remember all these stories with good humour, even though our lives may have been at risk on one or more occasion... let's face it, none of us were wearing safety belts back then.

Deborah Harry - Buckle Up

What it's easy to forget though, is how much mum (and dad) drove me around, wherever I wanted to go, when I was a kid. Music lessons, band practice, comic marts in Leeds... we were reminiscing about the latter recently, about the time my mate Liam (who was notoriously car-sick) came with us, and when Liam started looking a bit queasy, Mum just handed him a paper bag and said, "do it in there". Or the time she went to pay for parking and the ticket machine started spitting out money. She shared it out between the two of us and we bought a few extra comics that day. 

Carter U.S.M. - The Young Offender's Mum

Then, when I started working in radio, Mum would get up early on a Saturday morning to drive me to Bradford in time for the 9am show I worked on... at least until I'd passed my driving test, which wasn't until I was 18, so she must have done it every Saturday for at least two years. One Saturday, I had a piano exam at the same time. I'd told the presenter I was working with that I was going to be half an hour late, but he'd forgotten, and in the pre-mobile phone era, there was no way of reminding him. Driving in, listening to the radio, we kept hearing him saying, "Where's Rol this morning? I've got nobody to answer my phones." Mum remembered that when she finally dropped me off and I sprinted into the studio, the first link she heard on her way home was, "Oh look, Rol's arrived... still wearing his pyjamas."

Justin Townes Earle - Call Ya Momma

These days, when I spent many of my weeknights and weekends ferrying Sam to a variety of sporting activities and pre-teen social engagements, I like to remind myself that I'm paying it forwards. Thanks, Mum.

The All Seeing I & Jarvis Cocker - Drive Safely Darlin' 

There's an obvious song to close today, but one that was over-played to the point that most people are sick to the back teeth of it. Never fear - Aimee Mann to the rescue!

Snapshots #321: A Top Fifteen Presidential Songs

While America prepares to re-elect the riot-inciting, bleach-advocating man baby (not that we can talk, considering they brought Cameron back), here are fifteen songs that mention a former POTUS in the title. But before we get to that... here's Poet Laureate Simon Armitage giving his verdict on the Trump regime...

15. Miller makes a Turkish Delight.

Frys make Turkish Delight, with Glenn Miller.

Glenn Frey - He Took Advantage (Blues For Ronald Reagan)

14. Heroic railroad engineer.

Casey Jones is that brave engineer, as Johnny tells us here.

Kacey Jones - Donald Trump's Hair

13. Berry knows the future.

Chuck is a prophet.

Chuck Prophet - Nixonland

(Chuck also did a song about Trump. Of course he did.)

12. Met Frankenstein with a monk.

Lou Costello met Frankenstein with Bud Abbott.

Elvis Costello - Eisenhower Blues

11. Charity begins a long time in the past.

Charity Chic, a long time ago.

Chicago - Harry Truman

10. Tasteless restaurant.

The Hooters - Washington's Day

9. Shaky Oh + Frozen Queen + Panama + Pasture + Trois.

Shaky sang Oh Julie. Anna was the Queen in Frozen. A panama is a hat. A pasture is a field. Trois is 3.

Juliana Hatfield Three - President Garfield

8. He's searching for Curtis and Brown.

He's an Ian Hunter!

Ian Hunter - Cleveland Rocks

7. Blockbuster movie, filled with stunts.

Sounds like an action spectacular to me...

Action Spectacular - Bill Clinton

6. Buffalo Bill is in charge of misplaced UFOs.

Buffalo Bill Cody is in command of lost planet airmen.

Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen - Hot Rod Lincoln

5. Max, not top... 

Anagram!

Tom Paxton - Lyndon Johnson Told the Nation

I'll throw this one in too as it only has 6 views on youtube, but it deserves more...

Redhouse Gasoline - Lyndon Johnson's Best Intentions

4. Nancy's town.

Nancy Sinatra sang about Sugar Town.

Sugar - Hoover Dam

3. Inane Emma is really confused.

Inane Emma is an anagram of the divine...

Aimee Mann - You Could Have Been a Roosevelt

2. That time Johnny thought of replacing Stephen with number 15.

An Eagle joining the Smiths!?!

Fred Eaglesmith - Carter

1. Nuptials now!

The Wedding Present - Kennedy

Don't have too much apple pie for your Sunday dinner. Join us again next Saturday for more Snapshots.

Memory Mixtape #22: Geese

Looking through old Truprint envelopes the other day, I came across two snapshots of my sister's geese. She had these two about 35 years ago, and they were vicious brutes. Worse than any guard dogs - in fact, all the dogs would steer well clear of them. Especially when they put their heads down, as in the photo above... that meant they were going in for the attack. 

Sometimes I'd be given the job of herding them back into their hut on a night time, which is probably when I took these photos. They would go, if you stood your ground, but it was best to go armed with a stick for defense in case they turned on you. They liked a good ruck. 

They weren't the worst geese I ever encountered though. There were a couple on a neighbouring farm that were even more savage. One day, I went with my dad to fetch a couple of cows back from a field he'd been renting near that farm. Dad gave me the job of leading a particularly flighty young calf back with a rope round its neck to stop it running away. I was basically walking the calf like a dog on a lead. Until we passed the open farmyard where the diabolical geese lived. They came out charging, hissing, wings up, terrifying the little calf, which set off at full pelt down the lane... dragging me behind it like a stuntman in a Western. When the calf finally stopped, I was covered in cuts and grazes... but at least the geese hadn't got me.

Here are some geese songs...

Aimee Mann - Goose Snow Cone

Parliament - The Goose

Johnny & The Hurricanes - Rockin' Goose

Mitch Ryder & The Detroit Wheels - Long Neck Goose

Celebrity Jukebox #71: Burt Bacharach

What the world needs now is another tribute to one of the most important musicians of the 20th Century. From his peerless work with lyricist Hal David to later collaborations with Carole Bayer Sager, Neil Diamond and Elvis Costello, Burt Bacharach created an unparalleled songbook of timeless classics. What can I say that hasn't already been said by far more erudite folk than me?

How about sitting back and listening to a few tributes from the Celebrity Jukebox? And who better to start with than... The Quo?!?

Hardly going to beat that, am I?

Maybe not, but I was pleased to find that a number of my favourite artists happily name dropped Burt B. in their lyrics. For example...

Aimee Mann - It Takes All Kinds

I would like to keep this vision
Of you intact,
When we'd hang around and listen
To Bacharach
And you loved the world you lived in
And it loved you back

Thea Gilmore - Saviours And All

It's closing time
And the drunks sing some stray lines of Bacharach
It's too late now to even out the score
You drain the glass and raise your hand for more
So I'll take cover while you just take the floor

Jens Lekman - If You Ever Need a Stranger (To Sing at Your Wedding)

If you ever need a stranger
To sing at your wedding
A last minute choice then I am your man
I know every song, you name it
By Bacharach or David
Every stupid love song that's ever touched your heart
Every power ballad that's ever climbed the charts

Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?

Do you wanna get high?
It's like we're falling in love
We can listen to Bacharach
And stop at any point

They Might Be Giants - You Culture Killed My Dog

Bacharach and David
Used to write his favourite songs
Never, never, never would he worry
He'd run and fetch the ball

Cracker - Shine

You'll be a Russian acrobat
You'll be like Burt Bacharach
You come to the party, you say "What's new pussycat?"
Someday you're gonna shine
You'll see

Then, if we look a little further than just the usual suspects, we find this eccentric selection with lyrics that scratched my itch...

Riffer - That's The Kind Of Room

Now that's the kind of room
I'd like to fill with Burt Bacharach music
The look of love
Is in your eyes

Remember when Burt was married to Angie Dickenson
Can't you see her
Angie's in an evening gown
Drinking scotch on the rocks
Those rocks are clinking as she walks across the room
"The Look of Love" rises from Burt's piano
Oh, what a muse!

Eva B. Ross - On My Way Out

But oh you could fool me into staying
Talking in the corner, hating all the music playing
I like the Rockmes and Bacharach
And I'd happily burn a playlist with an explanation 
Track for track

Particularly fond of this next one...

SE Webster - Already Gone

Meet me in the backwoods, we're going after dark
We're digging a hole in the ground, there's no need to worry at all
You ask too many questions like, "who's it for?" etcetera
C'mon, you must know you're already gone
Just think back to Bacharach & chocolate-covered strawberries
Since you seem to think it's our only good memory
You say you've been done around here
No need to repeat, you've made it perfectly clear
That you're already gone

All of which leads us back to where we started, songs that mention Burt in the title. Can anyone compete with the Quo? You decide...

Snuff - Bacharach

Beaumont - Bacharach

Fitness Forever - Bacharach

Bigott - Bar Bacharach

The Worn Flints - Burt Bacharach

Today's best discovery comes from "Withington's Burt Bacharach", Chris Keaney and his Electric Lovehandles. Let's just say that bandcamp purchases ensued. This is proving an expensive feature for me...

Guest Post Thursday #15: A Top Ten “I Can’t” Songs (Part 2)

I can't today. 

Fortunately, George is back with more I Can't Songs.

Take it away, George...

There’s a LOT of “I Can’t” songs. A lot. You’ve already had ten, some good, some great and two brilliant ones, so here’s ten more, some good, some great, and two of which are simply brilliant, or toptastic if you prefer.

First, Elvis with his “we’ve all been there” song

Elvis Costello and the Attractions - I can't stand up for falling down

If you want slick 70s (or was it 80s?) pop you’ve come to the wrong place. Well, today you have. So no Hall & Oates, a perfectly decent and well-made pop song, but it’s not Top Ten material. Or Top Twenty, as I’m doing two of these. Nope, instead, you’re getting what is undoubtedly going to be the best song you hear all day, because this is beyond brilliant...

Bill Withers - I can't write left-handed

One of those powerful songs that makes you stop whatever you’re doing and just listen. (Not one to play in the car, then). Every time I hear it I can’t do anything but put my listening ears on.  From an album you absolutely must have in your collection,  Live at Carnegie Hall.

A different genre now, suggested by Walter...

Teenage Fanclub - I can't find my way home

That’s Walter, our pigeon, rescued at the bottom of the farm. He has a wounded wing that will never heal properly; instead of releasing him to be eaten by Billy, we are keeping him. A coop is currently under construction for him.  Walter, not Billy. And Walter the pigeon is actually a dove.

That song is not to be confused with the Steve Winwood song, the latter is not an “I can’t” song but a “Can’t” so The Swans will not be in this list. But Otis is!

Otis Redding - I can't turn you loose

Another Walter song, that one. "I can’t turn you loose……. because either Shaggy or Billy, or both, will kill you and eat you” as Otis never sang, but it does scan.

A Top Ten without a country song? Is that possible? Of course not.

George Jones - I can't get there from here

It’s the way he twists those words, George Jones’ voice is so apt for the cheesiest of country lyrics.

And from when they were good:

The Who - I Can't explain

……..to  one of her more humdrum albums, but it does have a couple of gems on it (the other one is also an I Can’t song)

Aimee Mann - I can't get my head around it

It would of course be perverse not to include that Ray Charles song, but it is what I am doing, I’ve never liked it or indeed the vast majority of anything I’ve heard by him. And it would certainly be thrawn in the extreme not to include maybe the best known I Can’t song, the one with that uses brackets...

Tritons - (I can't get no) Satisfaction

They’re Italian. Unlike Yvonne Elliman. We (Jo and I, not Yvonne and I) were watching something on tv and “Everything’s alright” was featured. I knew most of the lyrics, knew when Judas’ part was coming, knew when Ted Neeley sang. So I’m going to shoehorn this in...

Yvonne Elliman - If I can't have you

OK, a slick(ish) 70s pop song for you, one that I’m not really sure why I like, maybe it’s those swooping horns.. 

I’m not saving the best for last, because that would mean Bill Withers again, but this too is a fantastic song:

Ann Peebles - I can't stand the rain

It’s the way the music gets going at 20 seconds in, that signature WIllie Mitchell “Hii Rhythm Section” sound and arrangement, that slow-almost-lethargic music, it’s a perfect soul song.

And please note that Stink, via The Police, is excluded on taste and because it’s “Can’t Stand Losing”. Bad Company, though, are ineligible only because, again, it’s not an “I can’t” song. You could of course argue that Yvonne Elliman should also be excluded, to which I say “Do your own Top Ten”.

Thank you, again, to Rol, for posting this piece. I hope I don’t lose you too many readers.

No, thank you, George. And don't worry: I can't lose what I don't have.

I closed with the original version of George's opening tune. Though I was tempted to go with the Hall & Oates.

The Guest Post door is always open, if anyone wants to try the handle. But don't feel obliged.

Snapshots #232: A Top Ten Fifty Songs

Now that I am 50, I no longer need to pretend to be down wiv da kidz. Still, it makes me feel slightly better to know that Curtis 'Fiddy Cent' Jackson is only three years behind me. Snoop Dogg turn 50 last year. And Eminem will be 50 in October! 

Despite being 50, I only have ten answers for you today...

10. No, your bum doesn't look big in those jeans. And I love what you've done with your hair.

They're all White Lies.

White Lies - Fifty On Our Foreheads

9. Les Enfants Terribles.

Written by Jean Cocteau.

The Cocteau Twins - Fifty-Fifty Clown

8. Holy onomatopoeia, Batman!

Biff Bang Pow! - Fifty Years Of Fun

7. Duchess meets two former presidents.

Kate is the Duchess, Bushes were the presidents.

Kate Bush - Fifty Words For Snow

6. Undergrounds.

The Tubes - Attack Of The Fifty Foot Woman

5. Scouts and capitalists.

Venture Scouts or Venture Capitalists?

The Ventures - Hawaii Five-0

4. Main enema.

Unfortunate anagram.

Aimee Mann - Fifty Years After The Fair

3. Get the rope, Harry, and untangle it.

"Rope, Harry," was another angram.

Roy Harper - These Fifty Years

2. Catboy, Owlette and Gekko wear masks; Alex is Sensational without one.

Catboy, Owlette and Gekko are the PJ Masks. You've got to keep up on your kids cartoons.

The Sensational Alex... Harvey, of course.

PJ Harvey - 50 ft Queenie

1. When Owen Met Carly.

Owen Paul meet Carly Simon...

The problem is all inside your head

She said to me

Remember when we did the Hot 100 Countdown together? Seems like so long ago. Not quite fifty years, mind.

Anyway, more Snapshots next week. Unless I've taken early retirement.