Mid-Life Crisis Songs #130: Grown Ups

This is my favourite panel from Adrian Tomine's book, The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Cartoonist.

For most of my life, I've dreamed of working professionally in comics... but after reading Tomine's autobiographical account of all the snubs, slights, humiliations and disappointments that have made up his own "successful" career in that industry, I think I probably had a lucky escape.

Do you feel like a normal, competent adult? Or do you still feel like a kid making the best of pretending to be a grown up? 

Two recent songs immediately came to mind. First, this...

Brian Bilston & The Catenary Wires - Thou Shalt Not Commit Adulting

And then this, from the glorious Pulp comeback album, More... it's like they've never been away.

Finally part of the new generation

Finally part of the pub conversation

And somehow this leads to mature life decisions

Like the one that I heard of from Jeremy Sissons

Who said he, he moved near the motorway

'Cause it was good for commuting

And I laughed in his face

Because I, I thought he was joking

But then I, I looked in his eyes

And I saw, he was not joking

No, he was trying

Trying so, so hard

To act just like a grown up

And it's so, so hard

And we're hoping that we don't get shown up

'Cause everybody's got to grow up

Emergency Questions #11: Heavenly Age

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

Summer's over and the time is right to bring back some of the ongoing series I abandoned just prior to my holiday from teaching (aka the Exhaustion Weeks). It's a cliché that I go back to work for a rest, but... 

Kevin Rowland - Age Can't Wither You

As usual, I'm stealing another query from Richard Herring's book EMERGENCY QUESTIONS and trying to answer it with added songs. Here's today's question...

What age would you like to be when you get to heaven, presuming there is a heaven and you get to choose what age you'll be when you're up there?

Ernest Tubb - It's The Age That Makes The Difference

Putting aside whether or not we believe in any kind of afterlife, this is a thought-provoking question. If we're lucky enough to live to an old age, we wouldn't want to be stuck at that age, for eternity, with all the frailties, disabilities and marble loss that might come with it. We'd want to be young and strong and ready to take best advantage of our nirvana...

New Order - Age Of Consent

Would we want then to spend immortality reliving the "best years of our lives"? Oh, to be 16 again...  

Hello Saferide - X Telling Me About The Loss Of Something Dear, At Age 16

No thank you very much. I wouldn't mind going back and reliving a good day of my adolescence, safe in the knowledge that I could return to where I am right now before the bad days kick in. Because I did have a good many bad days as a teenager, days of self-doubt, embarrassment, humiliation days and crushing loneliness. 

Joe Jackson - Awkward Age

Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

What about my twenties then? When I was a bit more grown up? And even more messed up...

Pet Shop Boys - Twenty Something

Taylor Swift - 22

Probably not. 

In my thirties, maybe then I finally got a handle on this thing called life... though I still didn't feel like a proper grown-up. (Still don't.) 

Aimee Man - 31 Today

In answer to Rich's question then, I'd probably choose to be mid-30s. Some time just before I fell down the stairs and broke my arm, also causing a slipped disc in my back which still bothers me today. Some time before the aches and pains set in... 

Willie Nelson - Don't Be Ashamed Of Your Age

Department S - Age Concern

I realise I'm a bit unusual though. Maybe you would choose to be 16 forever... or 21... or even 7?

What age would you pick to live out the hereafter?

Teacher Songs #3: A Right Sod...

A quick google search for "Geography teacher 80s UK" brought up a picture of Jarvis, wearing an outfit I'm sure many of you will remember your teachers wearing back in the day. Clearly though, if Jarvis was a teacher, he'd have been up on a disciplinary years ago, if this is anything to go by...

My Geography teacher was Mr. Green. He was a very scary individual, but I liked him. He had a wooden leg, so you could hear him coming down the corridor... clump, clump, clump... and knew to scarper if you were up to no good. His wife taught Biology. I was less fond of her, and she of me. I dropped Biology at the end of the third year as a result.

In our very first Geography lesson, Mr. Green told us all a story. I'm sure it was one he told to new classes at the start of every year. During teacher training, someone advised me to go hard in the first class - set your stall and show them that you'd take none of their nonsense, from the beginning. I'm not sure I've ever managed to do that, since it's not really my style. But you find what works for you.

Jethro Tull - Teacher

Anyway, Mr. Green's story went like this...

"I was standing in the lunch queue one day..."

It's worth pointing out here that Mr. Green was one of those teachers who would queue up for school dinners with everyone else. No jumping the queue or asking for priority treatment. That wasn't how he clumped.  

"And in front of me were two boys, chatting. Neither of them had seen me, so when one asked the other a question, his response was honest and direct. 'Who do you have for Geography?' the first boy asked. 'Mr. Green,' replied the second... 'he's a right sod, but you learn something.'"

Mr. Green took a pause gave us all a hard stare. "I let that go," he said. "It seemed fair."

 

Listening Post #29: 2025 is hotting up...

You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Goddamn you all to hell!

Last week, I put forward an early contender for my album of the year, thinking it might be looking like a bit of a quiet one. Then all hell broke lose, firstly with the announcement of a new Pulp album, their first in 24 years...

And hot on their heels, Neil Hannon decided to get out of bed again...

Meanwhile, as he eases slowly into his retirement, some old geezer from New Jersey found SEVEN albums lying around in his attic that have never been released before and decided to put them together as a new box set, Tracks II...

2025, you spoil me.

Snapshots #379 - A Top Twelve Songs About Different Times Of The Day

What's your favourite time of day?

Whatever your answer, we've got a song for it...

12. Make a liar out of a graduate director.

The director of The Graduate was Mike Nichols. He didn't direct Billy Liar.

Billy Nicholls - Daytime Girl 

11. Baseball playing nun.

Swing Out Sister - Twilight World

10. Join the Anti-RAF ranks and fight for a less confused world!

"Anti-RAF ranks" was an obvious anagram...

Frank Sinatra - In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning

9. Carpenter bonds with fifth. 

Karen Carpenter meets the 5th Bond... Timothy Dalton. (For those of you who thought Dalton was the fourth Bond... you forgot David Niven.)

Karen Dalton - In The Evening (It's So Hard To Tell Who's Going To Love You The Best)

8. Leaders of the Funky Bunch split up.

Markey Mark was the leader of the Funky Bunch. I'm sure you knew that.

The Mar-Keys - About Noon

Or you could have had...

The Mar-Keys - Last Night

7. A hunting rifle.

Flintlock - Dawn

6.  Majors, Frank, Los Angeles, one laugh, three quarters of a vase.

Damn hard to come up with a clue for her, but... Lee (Majors), Anne (Frank), LA, HA!, Vas-.

Lianne La Havas - Midnight

5. Visit the Taylor & Womack Cleansing Spa.

Let James (Taylor) and Bobby (Womack) Purify you...

James & Bobby Purify - Morning Glory

4. 5c change.

You'll be wanting a nickel back.

Nickelback - This Afternoon

3. Nirvana play one's opus.

Nirvana is heaven. Our #1 act today sang Opus 17.

 Heaven 17 - Sunset Now

2. Throwaway storytelling.

Pulp fiction...

Pulp - Sunrise

1. Artichokes, tomatoes and basil, mushrooms, ham and olives.

All the ingredients of a quattro stagioni... or a four seasons pizza.

I would have allowed...

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Dawn

But the real #1 answer is this...

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - The Night 

More Snapshots next Saturday... from 8.30 in the morning.

Snapshots Spillover: More Halloween Horror Films

Suede - The Living Dead

I do like a good horror film. 

I also like a bad horror film.

Black Francis - The Conjuring

Generally, I just like horror films. 

While my tolerance for many other movie genres has waned over the years, I've never grown out of the thrill of watching horror films. And I hope I never do.

For Halloween week, I figured I'd share as many songs connected to horror films as I could find...

Barbarian is the best horror film I've seen in the last few years. It's one of those flicks where you think you know where it's going, and then... woah, wait a minute, WHAT just happened?

INXS - Barbarian

Another strong contender for best horror movie of the past decade is the Aussie movie Talk To Me. Terrific supporting role for Miranda Otto in this too...

60ft Dolls - Talk To Me

I also thought Smile was pretty good, though a lot of true horror fans seemed to think it wasn't quite enough...

There are lots of songs called Smile. Here's the most obscure one I could find in my hard-drive...

Colenso Parade - Smile

One of the best British horror films of the last 20 years (actually, it's almost 20 years old... which just seems wrong) was The Descent. Great ending, though that was slightly undone by the unnecessary sequel...

Bob Mould - The Descent

I like films where the baddies wear creepy masks and you can't see their faces. The original Strangers movie was a pretty scary movie back in 2008, but like a lot of horror films, its impact has been diluted by too many unnecessary sequels...

The Kinks - Strangers

I'll have more of these later in the week, but we'll close today with a movie that already featured in this week's Snapshots, when I included a song by The Mock Turtles... largely because they were harder to identify than Jarvis & Pulp would have been. 

And while I think the original version of The Wicker Man is untouchable, I also have a soft spot for the gonzo 2006 remake starring Nicolas Cage. NOT THE BEES!

I refer you back to my opening comment: I also like a bad horror film.

Pulp's Wickerman is from their final, unjustly overlooked, album, We Love Life. Produced by Scott Walker, it's Jarvis at his best...

The United Kingdom Of Song #41: Leeds

"Could life ever be sane again?"

The Leeds side streets that you slip down

I wonder to myself

The Smiths - Panic

Leeds was the first city I knew. My dad worked in Leeds when I was a kid, back in the days when getting there from Huddersfield was a much shorter journey. As I grew older, Mum used to take me to Leeds Comic Marts every other month, and when I started work, I'd often catch the train from Bradford to Leeds to spend my wage in the city's many record shops. It was later that I discovered Manchester (too big and scary for a little Yorkshire lad) and later still, Sheffield (Leeds without the pretentions). Nowadays I work in Leeds myself, or close enough, but the only reason I have to visit the city centre is the occasional gig. I don't feel as welcome there as I once did... it's all too new and shiny and ever-expanding... but then, I've never been a city boy. 

Still, I was encouraged to breath life into this old blog series after listening to the wonderful Cherry Red compilation, Where Were You: Independent Music From Leeds (1978-1989). Not only does that collection feature some of the best bands to ever call Leeds home, including The Wedding Present, The Sisters of Mercy, Cud, The Mekons and The Sinister Cleaners... but it also features quite a few songs about Leeds. Like this one!

Named after an Eddie Cochran song, Pink Peg Slax were a Leeds rockabilly band who scored quite a few sessions with John Peel and Andy Kershaw in the 80s, though they never broke through to the big time. They were also responsible for this little beauty...

Pink Peg Slax - Self Pitying Stan

Next, I want you to imagine that Grandmaster Flash grew up in Leeds, rather than on the mean streets of The Bronx. Get ready to meet...

The Legendary Len Liggins - Life In Leeds City

Mandi and Debi Laek are two sisters from Leeds whose quirky tales of life in Leeds have drawn comparisons to The Kinks, The Jam, Brian Wilson and Syd Barrett.

The Rhythm Sisters - Saturday/ Sunday Lazy Leeds Afternoons

Moving beyond the Cherry Red compilation, here are a few more Leeds-centric tunes I found in the hard drive...

The Spanish Amanda - Leeds or Karatsu

The Who - Summertime Blues (Live At Leeds)

The Parachute Men - Leeds Station

And another Leeds band... one whose most famous song is immortalised in big neon letters on the wall of Leeds theatre, The West Yorkshire Playhouse...

Eat, sleep and crap

For it to prey on your needs

Down a dark street

In backwater Leeds

Chumbawamba - Drip Drip Drip

Of course, Leeds has a darker side. Back in the 80s, it was known as the home of the Yorkshire Ripper, and one notorious football team...

Amanda Palmer - Leeds United

Lyrically, Leeds also pops up in some quite unexpected places...

She'd spent 35 pounds on one pack of ciggies

Running an errand for him indoors

Then she kept running straight down to Leeds Central

Took Intercity and left her remorse

Hue & Cry - Looking For Linda

Mark Knopfler wrote the following tune about Harry Phillips, a Leeds sculptor who never got the respect he deserved... because he wasn't from a trendy town.

He was ignored by all the trendy boys in London

Yes, and in Leeds

He might as well have been making toys

Or strings of beads

Dire Straits - In The Gallery

Here's a contemporary American band that 30-something hipsters like Ben are into, despite the fact that they're named after that old sitcom about growing up in the 60s. The song is all about being on tour, mostly in Leeds, but far away from home...

Last night in Leeds

Ad and I found ourselves wandering the city

Looking for pizza

All we found was complacency and somewhere to sleep

I'm still waiting for the map to say home's a week away

The Wonder Years - Hostels & Brothels

Another band getting homesick is Atlanta's The Indigo Girls...

It's dark at 4 pm in Leeds

The steeples pierce the skylight 'til the last of it bleeds

The absent sound of another day as it recedes

Into the shadows

Until it's nothing

The Indigo Girls - Leeds

Also from Georgia is the band Of Montreal. Turns out they've been to the capital of West Yorkshire too...

Eating at Welcome Breaks daily

We danced in Leeds with Brit Pop Haley

Of Montreal - My British Tour Diary

Back in the UK, Geordie folkster Richard Dawson is someone I've been listening to quite a bit lately since Michel Faber sang his praises in Listen. Here, Richard talks about missing his daughter after driving her away to University...

Waving me goodbye from the steps of her building

She  shrinks into the shudders of the rearview

Tears  begin to fall on the outskirts of Leeds

I am missing her already

Richard Dawson - Fresher's Ball

Meanwhile, Sheffield lad Jarvis Cocker suggest they're not that welcoming to outsiders in Leeds...

We came across the North Sea with our carriers on our knees

Wound up in some holding camp somewhere outside Leeds.

Because we do not care to fight, my friends - we are the weeds.

Because we got no homes they call us smelly refugees.

Pulp - Weeds

Kevin Rowland is even less of a fan...

Lord have mercy on me, keep me away from Leeds

I've been before, it's not what I'm looking for

Dexys Midnight Runners - Thankfully Not Living in Yorkshire, It Doesn't Apply

But my favourite song about Leeds is still this one, from Californian songwriter John Darnielle. It's a song dedicated to Goth God and "Leeds lad" Andrew Eldritch... although he was actually born in Cambridgeshire. Nevertheless, it always makes me smile...

 

Snapshots #326: A Top 15 Songs Celebrating Different Musical Genres

Sunday morning - time to visit the Temple! Your choice - the Shirley Temple... or the Temple of Snapshots!

Here are yesterday's answers - songs that mention different musical genres...

15. Lost your job? These guys can help you out financially.

The Dole - New Wave Love

14. $6,000,000 Steve goes to Skywalker Ranch.

Steve Austin was the $6,000,000 Man. George Lucas owns the Skywalker Ranch.

Austin Lucas - Easy Listening

13. A good thing, used by one of the gentlemen mentioned above.

Luke Skywalker used The Force.

Positive Force - We Got The Funk

12. Good at advising you how to put one foot in front of the other.

They taught us how to Walk This Way.

Run DMC - Roots, Rap, Reggae

11. What's on the other side?

Alternative TV - Punk Life

10. Carolyne hurt by a muddle.

"Carolyne hurt" is an anagram...

Arthur Conley - Sweet Soul Music

9. A friend of Allan Clarke.

Allan Clarke was in the Hollies. This was his buddy.

Buddy Holly - Rave On

8. Open All Hours.

Cornershop - Born Disco, Died Heavy Metal

7. Ghosts, demons, black magic...

The Supernaturals - Country Music

6. Could be Green, Poison or Broken.

The Arrows - I Love Rock n Roll

5. Tyne Henchmen Abound.

Anagram!

Echo & The Bunnymen - All That Jazz

4. Winnie's glue gun.

Pooh... sticks.

The Pooh Sticks - Indie Pop Ain't Noise Pollution 

3. The capital of Manchester.

M is the capital letter of Manchester. This is Robin Scott, aka...

M - Pop Muzik

2. Just the job for me!

In case you didn't know it, I am an English Teacher.

English Teacher - R&B

1. A soggy mass.

Pulp - Disco 2000

There will be another eclectic mix of genres next Saturday...

Self-Help For Cynics #15: Perfect

It's got to be perfect
It's got to be worth it, yeah
Too many people take second best
But I won't take anything less
It's got to be, yeah
Perfect

Fairground Attraction - Perfect

I hate dealing with car repairs and mechanics. I always feel like they’re going to be patronising, supercilious and out to rip me off every chance they get. Unfortunately, due to the amount of mileage I do these days, my dealings with car repair “specialists” have increased… and any such encounter I can drive away from without a hole in my pocket or a bigger hole in my ego gives me cause for cheer. Actual turn up the radio, thump the steering wheel, whoop for joy jubilation. Survived another one! Got out with my wallet and my dignity (mostly) intact!  

There were bad times when my tank was running dry
And my machine couldn't shift into its gears
And on cold days it would stall
So I almost junked it all

The Good Rats - Mr. Mechanic

In her book Don’t Feed The Monkey Mind, Jennifer Shannon identifies three “assumptions” which our stressed out amygdala loves to accentuate. Last week I talked about Fear of Uncertainty… this week: Perfectionism.

The Orchids - Striving For The Lazy Perfection

I don’t think of myself as a perfectionist. I'm too lazy. Of Dr. Shannon’s three assumptions, this was the one I'd almost ruled out from the start. Until I read the chapter and realised that perfectionism goes hand in hand with something else which I am extremely familiar with: fear of failure. The expert explains…

While others find motivation from challenge, a higher purpose, a promised prize, or simply the joy of doing the thing itself, if you are a perfectionist, your motivation is fear of failing. Your mantra is: don’t screw it up! Only when you’ve completed the social interaction or task without making any mistakes will you be able to relax.

Skinny - Failure

This explains the whoop of joy I let out on escaping the maw of the mechanic, unscathed.

This also explains why I never asked a girl out in my teens, and only really stumbled into relationships in my 20s when the green light was showing and the welcome mat was thrown at my feet.

Chad & Jeremy - Teenage Failure

As I’ve grown older, I have learned to take more risks, step outside my comfort zone, force myself to flirt with danger if the prize was really worth having. That’s how I managed to get out of my old job… but I had to be backed into a corner by the firing squad to do it.

And this is the place where failure goes
If your dreams won't die
This is where all your hopes survive
If they're not a lie
This is where all the might-have-beens
Triumph and forgive
This is where all the star-crossed loves
Have the chance to live

Rupert Holmes - The Place Where Failure Goes

Dr. Shannon continues…

Perfectionists hedge their bets, only doing things they know they’ll be good at. If you do get saddled with something you aren’t good at, you may just put it off until the last minute, where you’ll have an excuse – not enough time – to be less than perfect.

Sound familiar? Or is it just me again?

Chip Taylor - Fuck All The Perfect People

The argument goes that really successful people achieve their goals because they’re unafraid of failure. They fall off the horse... then they get back on and try again. Eventually they get where they want to be. I’ve often argued that the reason I didn’t make it as a professional writer is that I didn’t push myself enough. Every rejection letter was a kick in the teeth. Many of my contemporaries who did succeed in that field lost all their teeth but just kept growing new ones. I don’t believe they were better writers than me. They were just better at recovering from a kicking, or as Jennifer Shannon puts it…

…relatively few high achievers expect perfectionism from themselves.

Just everyday problems
Find a way of bringin' you down
But if you want it bad enough
Find a way of turning it around
You find a way of turning it around

There's one thing that'll beat failing
That's trying
If anybody tells you different
They gotta be lying

Bobby Womack - There's One Thing That Beats Failing

A former colleague (notably more successful than me in most aspects of her life, but also a major screw-up in certain areas) used to swear by a popular self-help book of the late 80s / early 90s called Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway. She adopted the book’s title as her mantra and it appeared to serve her well. Cynical moi used to pour scorn on the very notion, but the more I read about the way our brain works against us, the more I’m coming to accept the wisdom in that mantra. 

Oh baby, here comes the fear again, oh-oh
The end is near again, oh-oh
A monkey's built a house on your back
You can't get anyone to come in the sack
And here comes another panic attack, oh
Here we go again

Pulp - The Fear

One final word from the good doctor…

When we allow for some risk, we give ourselves more choices and we prepare ourselves for when things go wrong. If we deny ourselves the privilege of being wrong or failing, we’ll be unable to take the risks that are necessary for meeting our personal goals. This is why, in addition to anxiety, perfectionism is associated with depression, procrastination, addiction and low self-esteem.

Failure hurts though. It’s not just a metaphorical kicking, it can feel as painful, as brutal, as any physical assault. I remember when I was applying for my current job. There was a moment when an obstacle was placed in my way which seemed insurmountable. All the hope I’d placed in this one opportunity, this lifeline escape from the mental misery of The Bad Place… and now it looked like it was all a pipe dream. I actually collapsed on the floor like I’d been punched in the stomach. I remember sitting there in abject despair… feeling actual physical pain.

I get knocked down... but I get up again

Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Somehow though, I managed to pick myself up and try to find a solution. I still don’t know where I found that impetus. It doesn’t come naturally. Maybe for some people, you only get it when you hit rock bottom.

Failure is always the best way to learn,

Retracing your steps until you know,

Have no fear, your wounds will heal.

Neverending Top Ten #6.1: Bizarre Album Covers

On our way back from the football a couple of weekends ago, Sam and I stopped in at an exhibition of Bizarre Album Covers that was being held in Huddersfield. 

There were some very funny and very dubious covers included, and we were asked to vote for our favourites - plus, Sam got a free cookie so it was definitely worth the trip.

The records all came from the private collection of Huddersfield resident Steve Goldman, and I was pleased to learn of a forthcoming book devoted to the stories behind these truly bizarre covers. That'll definitely be on a Christmas list when it's published.

I did have to take issue with a couple of Steve's choices though... notably the ones that feature in my own record collection! Are these really so bad...?

I mean, Pet Sounds!?! That's a classic, man!

What's the worst album cover in your collection? Certainly not this one...