Celebrity Jukebox #58: Dave Ball

I can just about get my head around stars of the 60s passing away. Even those who were big in the 70s, especially the ones who've had a hard paper round. But whenever we lose someone from the 80s... I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come is walking over my grave.

Dave Ball - Strict Tempo

Quite often, on my way to work, I pass the blue plaque below, and every time I do, one particular tune pops into my head...

You probably think it's this one, but it's not.

Soft Cell - Tainted Love 

Although there's no denying that's a top notch cover version, and one of the defining pop songs of the 1980s.

Oh, and it's not this one either...

Soft Cell - Sex Dwarf

I know what you think of me. It's OK. 

But have you seen my records? This Heat, Pere Ubu, Outsiders, Nation of Ulysses, Mars, The Trojans, The Black Dice, Todd Terry, The Germs, Section 25, Sexual Harrassment, a-ha, Pere Ubu, Dorothy Ashby, PIL, the Fania All-Stars, the Bar-Kays, The Human League, the Normal, Lou Reed, Scott Walker, Joy Division, 10cc, Eric B. and Rakim, Index, Basic Channel, Soulsonic Force ("just hit me"!), Juan Atkins, David Axelrod, Electric Prunes, Gil! Scott! Heron!, the Slits, Faust, Mantronix, Pharaoh Sanders and the Fire Engines, the Swans, the Soft Cell, The Sonics, the Sonics, the Sonics, the Sonics...

LCD Sound System - Losing My Edge

So it's over

You're lying in a coffin of clutter

Your father and your sister, your drummer

Are sorting through your Soft Cell tapes

And lifesaver collection

And you wonder

You wonder if you could've done better

You wonder if you should've surrendered

Before you learned that

Nobody actually wants a fucking martyr

Amanda Palmer - Olly Olly Oxen Free

Dave Ball died earlier this week, aged just 66, after just completing a new Soft Cell album with Marc Almond. In his own heartbroken tribute, Almond said, "It's so sad as 2026 was all set to be such an uplifting year for him, and I take some solace from the fact that he heard the finished record and felt that it was a great piece of work."

Of course, Dave Ball will be remembered not just as the less flamboyant one in Soft Cell. But I'll let those who know more about dance music comment on his other projects. Although I will say that I always quite liked this one back in the day... the banjos did it for me, as well as the reference to a classic DC comics character...

The Grid - Swamp Thing

Rest in peace, Dave. You're gone far too soon.

Oh, and that song which always pops into my head when I see the blue plaque?

This one, of course...

The United Kingdom Of Song #41: Leeds

"Could life ever be sane again?"

The Leeds side streets that you slip down

I wonder to myself

The Smiths - Panic

Leeds was the first city I knew. My dad worked in Leeds when I was a kid, back in the days when getting there from Huddersfield was a much shorter journey. As I grew older, Mum used to take me to Leeds Comic Marts every other month, and when I started work, I'd often catch the train from Bradford to Leeds to spend my wage in the city's many record shops. It was later that I discovered Manchester (too big and scary for a little Yorkshire lad) and later still, Sheffield (Leeds without the pretentions). Nowadays I work in Leeds myself, or close enough, but the only reason I have to visit the city centre is the occasional gig. I don't feel as welcome there as I once did... it's all too new and shiny and ever-expanding... but then, I've never been a city boy. 

Still, I was encouraged to breath life into this old blog series after listening to the wonderful Cherry Red compilation, Where Were You: Independent Music From Leeds (1978-1989). Not only does that collection feature some of the best bands to ever call Leeds home, including The Wedding Present, The Sisters of Mercy, Cud, The Mekons and The Sinister Cleaners... but it also features quite a few songs about Leeds. Like this one!

Named after an Eddie Cochran song, Pink Peg Slax were a Leeds rockabilly band who scored quite a few sessions with John Peel and Andy Kershaw in the 80s, though they never broke through to the big time. They were also responsible for this little beauty...

Pink Peg Slax - Self Pitying Stan

Next, I want you to imagine that Grandmaster Flash grew up in Leeds, rather than on the mean streets of The Bronx. Get ready to meet...

The Legendary Len Liggins - Life In Leeds City

Mandi and Debi Laek are two sisters from Leeds whose quirky tales of life in Leeds have drawn comparisons to The Kinks, The Jam, Brian Wilson and Syd Barrett.

The Rhythm Sisters - Saturday/ Sunday Lazy Leeds Afternoons

Moving beyond the Cherry Red compilation, here are a few more Leeds-centric tunes I found in the hard drive...

The Spanish Amanda - Leeds or Karatsu

The Who - Summertime Blues (Live At Leeds)

The Parachute Men - Leeds Station

And another Leeds band... one whose most famous song is immortalised in big neon letters on the wall of Leeds theatre, The West Yorkshire Playhouse...

Eat, sleep and crap

For it to prey on your needs

Down a dark street

In backwater Leeds

Chumbawamba - Drip Drip Drip

Of course, Leeds has a darker side. Back in the 80s, it was known as the home of the Yorkshire Ripper, and one notorious football team...

Amanda Palmer - Leeds United

Lyrically, Leeds also pops up in some quite unexpected places...

She'd spent 35 pounds on one pack of ciggies

Running an errand for him indoors

Then she kept running straight down to Leeds Central

Took Intercity and left her remorse

Hue & Cry - Looking For Linda

Mark Knopfler wrote the following tune about Harry Phillips, a Leeds sculptor who never got the respect he deserved... because he wasn't from a trendy town.

He was ignored by all the trendy boys in London

Yes, and in Leeds

He might as well have been making toys

Or strings of beads

Dire Straits - In The Gallery

Here's a contemporary American band that 30-something hipsters like Ben are into, despite the fact that they're named after that old sitcom about growing up in the 60s. The song is all about being on tour, mostly in Leeds, but far away from home...

Last night in Leeds

Ad and I found ourselves wandering the city

Looking for pizza

All we found was complacency and somewhere to sleep

I'm still waiting for the map to say home's a week away

The Wonder Years - Hostels & Brothels

Another band getting homesick is Atlanta's The Indigo Girls...

It's dark at 4 pm in Leeds

The steeples pierce the skylight 'til the last of it bleeds

The absent sound of another day as it recedes

Into the shadows

Until it's nothing

The Indigo Girls - Leeds

Also from Georgia is the band Of Montreal. Turns out they've been to the capital of West Yorkshire too...

Eating at Welcome Breaks daily

We danced in Leeds with Brit Pop Haley

Of Montreal - My British Tour Diary

Back in the UK, Geordie folkster Richard Dawson is someone I've been listening to quite a bit lately since Michel Faber sang his praises in Listen. Here, Richard talks about missing his daughter after driving her away to University...

Waving me goodbye from the steps of her building

She  shrinks into the shudders of the rearview

Tears  begin to fall on the outskirts of Leeds

I am missing her already

Richard Dawson - Fresher's Ball

Meanwhile, Sheffield lad Jarvis Cocker suggest they're not that welcoming to outsiders in Leeds...

We came across the North Sea with our carriers on our knees

Wound up in some holding camp somewhere outside Leeds.

Because we do not care to fight, my friends - we are the weeds.

Because we got no homes they call us smelly refugees.

Pulp - Weeds

Kevin Rowland is even less of a fan...

Lord have mercy on me, keep me away from Leeds

I've been before, it's not what I'm looking for

Dexys Midnight Runners - Thankfully Not Living in Yorkshire, It Doesn't Apply

But my favourite song about Leeds is still this one, from Californian songwriter John Darnielle. It's a song dedicated to Goth God and "Leeds lad" Andrew Eldritch... although he was actually born in Cambridgeshire. Nevertheless, it always makes me smile...

 

Saturday Snapshots #178: A Top Ten Guitar Songs

That wasn't too difficult, was it?

A TOP TEN GUITAR SONGS

(If you wonder why I call these lists A Top Ten... rather than THE Top Ten..., it's because there are some songs I have to leave out to avoid too much artist repetition. Like...

Bruce Springsteen - House Of A Thousand Guitars

or

Magnetic Fields - Acoustic Guitar

 ...for just two examples.)

Anyway, these are the guitar songs I ended up with following an exhaustive selection process...

10. The best ale will really scramble your brain.

"The best ale" unscrambled is...

The Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps 

9. Room for treating dried up grass in mason's house.

A room for treating dried grass would be a Hay-ward. Masons live in a Lodge.

Justin Hayward & John Lodge - Blue Guitar

8. Boston girl meets fortune teller who can't read.

Boston sang about Amanda.

A palm reader without the read would be A Palm-er.

Amanda Palmer - Guitar Hero

7. Godard, Hitchcock, Scorsese... Tarantino?

They're all directors who may or may not be considered auteurs.

The Auteurs - American Guitars 

6. A nobleman, like a Scottish monarch.

A nobleman would be an Earl.

A Scottish Monarch might be a Mc-Queen... just like Steve McQueen.

Steve Earle - Guitar Town

5. I get mixed up in a casual windmill.

"Casual windmill" with an extra I mixed into it leaves you with an anagram for...

Lucinda Williams - Real Live Bleeding Fingers And Broken Guitar Strings

Or you could have had this John Denver cover...

Lucinda Williams - This Old Guitar

4. Dead cockneys.

"Brown bread" is Cockney rhyming slang for dead.

Bread - Guitar Man 

3. German clarinet?

A Gerry reed instrument?

Jerry Reed - Guitar Man

2. Bill or Hal? (The latter, not so much these days.)

William and Harry are both Princes... although Harry is in question at the moment.

Prince - Guitar

(If you need a reminder of what a great guitarist Prince was, click that link.)

1. Boastful goat.

Still as blisteringly exciting as when I first heard it...

"The time that it takes to make a baby

Could be the time it takes to make a cup of tea..."

You old romantic, Bill...

More next week!

My Top 19 Albums of 2019 (Part 1)

As a fervent believer that you shouldn't play Christmas songs after December 25th, I wanted to get something new up on the blog today, but as I've not quite completed my compilation of the year's best albums... here's the first half*, which I managed to complete last week.

For someone who professes to not know much about new music and is always whinging on about how the charts mean nothing to me after the 20th Century... I don't half find a load of records to listen to. I'm kind of glad that chart music largely leaves me cold these days, because if it didn't I'd never find the time to keep up with all that AND all the nonsense below.

As in previous years, I've limited my Best Of list to the big number on the calendar, hence 19 albums in 2019. But I could easily have done 30, like Brian. (Always ahead of the crowd.)

I won't bore you with the runners-up. Regular readers will have heard me going on about most of them already, and as usual there will be a few stragglers that stretch out into the new year.

This list is only a snapshot anyway. The Top 3 are pretty much set in stone, but the rest could move up and down a bit depending my my mood. There are some fine records here though, and though they won't all be to your taste, I hope you find something among them that tickles your fancy.


19. Better Oblivion Community Centre - Better Oblivion Community Centre

Phoebe Bridgers and Conor Oberst. Not sure what brought them together, but it works.

Top Track: Dylan Thomas

"I'm taking a shower at the Bates Motel..."

18. Amanda Palmer - There Will Be No Intermission

Baring all, an artist in every sense of the word... yet one who keeps her sense of humour.

Top Track: A Mother's Confession

"But at least the baby didn't die..."

17. Lloyd Cole - Guesswork

Lloyd's been listening to John Grant. Not immediately a success, but it grows...

Top Track (this week): Night Sweats

"I'm thinking about rhyming righteous

With might just

And I might just

And I'm not fooling around"

16. Jesse Malin - Sunset Kids

A comeback, in this house anyway.

Top Track: My Little Life

"People think I'm cold

Or just antisocial

I just don't know what to say

Sometimes"

15. Chip Taylor - Whiskey Salesman

He'd only been writing songs for 55 years before I discovered him.

Top Track: Whiskey Salesman

"It's funny how you can learn more by keeping your mouth shut

Than by talking"

14. Richard Hawley - Further

Time may change, but thankfully, Richard Hawley does not.

Top Track: Time Is

"Time is on your side right now

But time can change"

13.  Robert Forster - Inferno

Listened to on the back of the Go-Betweens documentary, Right Here, which gave me a renewed appreciation for Forster.

Top Track: No Fame

"And if I bust out and the highway is really the key

Everyone can follow, everyone can overtake me"

*Keen mathematicians among you will already have worked out that that's not quite half of 19... but it's as far as I got before the lurgy struck me down.

More soon.

2019 Contenders: AFP Bares All

To spare your blushes, I've posted the censored version of the new Amanda Palmer album cover... those of you interested in seeing the uncensored version can find it easily enough through google. Blushes are not something Ms. Palmer ever seems to worry about.

The cover is appropriate though - There Will Be No Intermission is Amanda Palmer laid bare, a confessional of how her life has changed in the 7 years since her last full album (though there have been many side projects in between), most notably her experiences as a new mother.

It's a very long album (I just managed to burn my download to an 80 minute CDR to listen to in the car) and a times there are shades of Mark Kozelek, both in the length of the track, and the raw, stream-of-consciousness honesty of the lyrics. It's probably not an album to recommend to newbies, but for those of us who have been with Amanda for a while, it offers great rewards if we stick with it. (The major difference between Palmer and Kozelek is that Amanda still uses tunes and singing, whereas Kozelek is mostly content to ramble over low key backing tracks these days.)

The stand-out track for me is this astonishing paean to motherhood... At Least The Baby Didn't Die. It's a song that mothers everywhere would, I'm certain, feel a connection with... though very few will ever hear it. Fathers, too, will probably recognise some things here too...

I'm even scared to put these lyrics in a song...

Hear more here.

Saturday Snapshots #86 - The Answers

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time to see you laughing
And solving Snapshots in the purple rain.

Blimey - working out the scores from yesterday's quiz took a bit of work. I had to take my shoes and socks off. Lots of half marks flying around too, but as I write this it looks like a draw between Alyson and Rigid Digit... although nobody's solved #9 yet, so that could change.

Anyway, here are the answers...


10. My latest car has no gearstick and runs on flower power... but it wins the race and holds the secret to getting me a better job.

I loved the suggestion for this, from Happy Mondays to U2... I'd love to know how the clues led you to those guys. Bit obscure, but somebody gave me this song on a mixtape about 20-odd years ago and it's been a favourite ever since...

New Faster Automatic Daffodils - It's Not What You Know, It's Who You Know

9. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one... but Superman's still getting ready, just in case.

The one that nobody's got as I type this, but the clues were pretty obvious if you know the band.

Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly - War of the Worlds

8. Campaigners get horny and homeless.

The Crusaders + Randy, living on the streets.

The Crusaders & Randy Crawford - Streetlife

Full 10 minute version with the sax intro: lovely.

7. Carter is insane.

Madness - Michael Caine

6. Adore + C - A = radio flyer.

Take A from Adore and you're left with Dore. Add Charlie (C from the phonetic alphabet).

Charlie Dore - Pilot of the Airwaves

5. Oystercatchers get up very early to play around.

Oystercatchers are the same as Pearlfishers, surely?

Larking around early in the morning?

The Pearlfishers - Up With The Larks

Sublime. I knew Charity Chic would get this one.

4. Frank smokes a joint with Strangers in the Night, headphones on.

In Strangers In The Night, Frank memorably sang "doobie doobie doo", which wasn't anything to do with drugs but might have inspired a ghost-hunting pooch.

The Doobie Brothers - Listen To The Music

3. Not Robert, not Level 42... sounds like a man though...

Not Robert Palmer, but Amanda sounds a bit like "a man though".

Level 42 sang Running In The Family, and it's not them either.

Good deduction from Alyson & C.

Amanda Palmer - Runs In The Family

2. David Koresh vs. Satan.

David Koresh led a cult.

Satan is a little devil.

The Cult - Lil' Devil

1. Duck learns to pick a pocket or two on the red eye.

Donald Duck.

Fagen picked a pocket or two.

The red eye is an overnight flight.

What an album this is!



U Got The Look of someone who'll be back here next Saturday for more.

The Hot 100 Countdown #94

94 East were a funk band in the late 70s founded by Pepe Willie, the husband of Prince's cousin Shauntel. Pepe gave young Prince his first taste of the music biz, getting him to play guitar in the band and even write one song: Just Another Sucker.

94 East can't fill the vacant spot in this week's Hot 100 though, as band names aren't allowed. The number has to feature in the song's title... or, at a push, its lyrics...

Which is what I've had to go to for 94, since the only 94 songs in my collection were ones featuring dates, and as I keep saying, I'm really trying to avoid though (if only because, somewhere down the line, I have an idea for a similar feature involving years). So no Tempted '94, no Prayer '94 (I know, that will be the biggest blow to many readers), not even the amazing 1.1.94.

Well done to those of you who managed to dig out songs with 94 in the title: more than my record collection yielded.

The Swede came up with I'm 94 Today by Will Fyffe, which certainly pleased our Scottish contingent.

Rigid Digit offered 94 Hours by As I Lay Dying, which I quite liked... until the singer started. If "singer" is the appropriate word. Probably isn't.

Alyson offered New York Mining Disaster 1941 by the Bee Gees, which is a fine piece of music but is also a year song... and although it does have a 9 & a 4 in it, I'm not sure even I could get away with calling it a 94 song.

Onto lyrical 94s then, and I must admit that Rigid Digit had me kicking myself when he offered Ben Folds' excellent Brainwascht, a song which contains the telling couplet:

But if you had to say it all with a pop song,

Couldn't you at least have written me a good one?

There is definitely a 94 in the lyrics too... but I'm not sure I understand it in the context of the rest of the song. Unless it refers to the year... in which case: disqualified.

All of which leaves me with only my original suggestion... one which C swooped in and identified immediately, before anyone else had a chance.

Supposedly, Always Crashing The Same Car is a song about Bowie ramming his Mercedes into the car of a drug dealer he thought had ripped him off, then driving at high speed round an underground car park while Iggy Pop ("Jasmine") looks on. Rock and roll...

Jasmine, I saw you peeping

As I pushed my foot down to the floor

I was going round and round the hotel garage

Must have been touching close to 94

Next up (in case counting backwards isn't your strong point): 93. I do actually have a couple of titular 93s in my music box, and I don't think either of them relate to the year I turned 21... although they might do. Anyway, let's see what you guys come up with...

My Top Ten Punctuation Songs

Following on from my grammar pedantry Top Ten, here's ten songs celebrating the wonders of punctuation.

Special mentions to Question Mark & The Mysterians, Slash, The Parenthetical Girls and !!! (which is a contender for worst band name ever: how do you even pronounce that?).



10. Discount - Apostrophe

Floridas own Discount. Sorry, I meant Florida's.

Being an English teacher, getting people to use the possessive apostrophe is the bane of my life.

9. The Wombats - Sex & Question Marks

Sex is one big question mark to me too.

Fans of the most inquisitive form of punctuation might also enjoy The Fuzztones - Look For The Question Mark.

8. Wire - Dot Dash

Wire use punctuation as Morse Code. Don't crash!

7. The Beat - Ranking Full Stop

Ranking Roger loved his Full Stops from the very first Beat single, of which this was double-A side with their more-played version of Tears of a Clown. The final full stop comes right at the end of the song though...

6. Spearmint - Punctuation

Today, class, Shirley won't just be teaching us about punctuation... but alliteration too!

Words! 
Alliteration 
Helps you hide inside your head 
Typewriter taps: use it as punctuation 
To escape every grey degrading day of your life

5. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

Pete and Carl in parenthesis. (Pair of annoying chancers?)

4. Thea Gilmore - Punctuation

In legal documents and religious texts, punctuation is all-important. Thea proves that here... 

‘Cause you see, I’ve got this theory that it’s only punctuation
That separates the list from you to me
And you can have your little war of full stops and meritings
But the real power’s in parentheses

3. Amanda Palmer - Ampersand

The ghetto boys are catcalling me
As I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship
Has ever been effective
Has any girl in history said
Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on
Still, I always shock them when I answer
Hi my name's Amanda
And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand 

Wonder what Neil Gaiman makes of that philosophy? (Let's not ask him, his answers tend to go on for years without end, like his stories.)

2. Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

So the Oxford Comma, if you don't know, is the optional comma you may sometimes use before the 'and' at the end of a list. Used properly, it can avoid confusion and comedy...

Vampire Weekend though, they don't give an f-bomb about it. Philistines.

1. Dan Baird - I Love You, Period

Top single from the former Georgia Satellite in which Dan's affair with his English teacher is curtailed by bad punctuation...

That's the problem with English teachers.They let pedantry get in the way of romance.



Question mark? Exclamation mark!

My Top Ten Supermarket Songs (Volume 1)

This week, I thought we'd pop down the supermarket. This is Volume 1 because it's about specific supermarket chains. More generic supermarket songs will follow...

Sadly, I couldn't find any songs about Morrisons, Waitrose or Ocado...


10. FINE FAIR: Toy Dolls - Nowt Can Compare To Sunderland Fine Fair

After Jason Donovan, I have no more shame...

9. TRADER JOE'S: Tristan Prettyman - The Rebound

Tristan Prettyman cruises her local Trader Joe's supermarket looking for guys who are on the rebound. Watch out with that banana.

8. ALDI: Fat White Family - Breaking Into Aldi

In with a bullet, this brand new track from the FWF, with a little help from my second favourite Lennon child...

Heard this on 6music the other day and thought it sounded great.

I understand Marmite is still available in Aldi. No need to break in.

7. SAFEWAY: Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Safeway Cart

Neil Young has written so many songs, there will come a time when he runs out of subject matter. Here's one about a shopping trolley... from the same album on which he wrote a song about a Piece of Crap. Great album though.

6. ASDA: Suede - Asda Town

B-side of The Wild Ones, one of my favourite Suede singles; this actually sounds like the stuff Brett would release when he went solo a few years later. I saw him play live during that tour and it was a very special, slightly rakish, king of night.

And like the birds we'll fly tomorrow
And like the birds we'll fly
From your Asda Town
Never coming down
'Cos they're take, taking it away

I'd like to see Asda use this in their Christmas TV ad this year. Sod Take That.

See also Millionaire by The Puppini Sisters, which is rather nice too.

5. WAL-MART: PJ Harvey - The Hope Street Demolition Project

Brought to you by the owners of Asda...

Possibly stretching the idea of a concept album beyond its natural elasticity, but when Polly Jane kicks out on her latest album, she's as good as ever.

They're gonna put a Wal-Mart hereeeeee...

See also sunrise in a Wal-Mart Parking Lot by Clem Snide... it can be so beautiful.

4. STOP 'N' SHOP: Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers - Roadrunner

Yes, it is a real supermarket chain. Jonathan didn't make it up.

3. SAINSBURY'S: Saint Etienne - Teenage Winter / Amanda Palmer - Leeds United

This one was a tie.

Teenage Winter is possibly my favourite Saint Etienne track. Sarah Cracknell could read a shopping list and make it sound amazing. Plus, Bob Stanley really does love old records... as much as we do. This song is about the death of pop music as a physical object for teenagers to cherish. Once you get that, it's one of the most heartbreaking songs you'll ever hear...

Mums with pushchairs outside Sainsbury's
Tears in their eyes
They'll never buy a Gibb Brothers record again
Their old 45s gathering dust
The birthday cards they couldn't face throwing away
Teenage winter coming down
Teenage winter coming down

Still in Sainsbury's, we find Mrs. Gaiman flashing back to the time she was dating Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs. He gave her a Leeds Utd. jersey as a pressie. She lost it.

But who needs love when there's Law and Order?
And who needs love when there's Dukes of Hazard?
And who needs love
When the sandwiches are wicked
And they know you at the Mac store?

No, the Mac store is not a supermarket. But I can't mention this song without quoting that chorus, because I love it. As for the supermarket...

Sure, I admire you
Sure, you inspire me, but you've been not getting back so
I'll wait at the Sainbury's
Countin' my change, making bank on the upcoming roster

I'm guessing maybe Ricky took her down the Leeds Sainsbury's one time too. He knows how to spoil a girl, that Wilson lad...

2. THE CO-OP: The Jam - A Town Called Malice

I give Weller a hard time on this blog occasionally... but when he's on form, no one can touch him...

A whole street's belief in Sunday's roast beef
Gets dashed against The Co-Op
To either cut down on beer or the kids' new gear
It's a big decision in a town called Malice

See also Saturday's Kids: Saturday's girls work in Tesco's and Woolworths! (Not anymore, sadly.)


1. TESCO: Half Man Half Biscuit - L’Enfer C’Est Les Autres

I had to give this One to Nigel Blackwell because not only does he use that gloriously misinterpreted quote from Sartre as his title (sadly, Jean-Paul wasn't quite being as misanthropic as Nigel and I might wish), but also because this track contains (among various other hilarious ramblings) perhaps the best Half Man Half Biscuit line ever... via Johnny Cash, of course.

I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die

From the top HMHB album 90 Bisodol. What else do you need to know? 

Some people don’t know how to walk on the pavement these days

Well it’s not that difficult, there’s hardly a whole host of waysHere they come, love’s young dream, arm in arm, approaching me 
Now, I’m not looking for your smile
I’m just asking for some single file 
But it’s not forthcoming so I have to assume 
That this narrow path belongs to you 
And therefore you must beThe Duke of Westminster and his good lady wife 
So, I tell you what, I’ll just walk in the road
How about I just walk in the road?
You stay as you are, and I’ll just walk in the road

How about that first verse? Is it just me...?

Other Top Tesco songs (I could have done a Top Ten, but I'm waiting for the sponsorship deal to kick in) came from Lily Allen (LDN), The Pogues (Rain Street*), King Krule (Easy Easy) and Glass Animals (Life Itself).

*Careful, that one's a bit rude.

Which one gets your custom? Whichever you pick, it's still 5p for a carrier bag...

My Top Ten Rock Star Songs

The perils and pleasures of life as a rock 'n' roll star... in ten easy-to-singalong songs.


10. Ben Folds - Rock Star

You're a slave to these people who
Don't even know you
You think they adore you
They do
Then they throw you away

9. Oasis - Rock 'n' Roll Star

No other song sums up the best... and worst... of Oasis. If only they hadn't tried so very, very hard to live up to it.

Louise just walked in and gave me a really strange look. "Are you listening to Oasis!?!"

I live to surprise and confound.

8. David Essex - Gonna Make You A Star

"I don't think so."

7. Nickelback - Rockstar

Yes, yes, I know. You're far too cool to like Nickelback. Screw you.

6. Everclear - Rock Star

 Kind of like the Nickelback it's almost OK to like.

Everybody everywhere wants to be famous
And everybody everywhere wishes they could tell
Everybody everywhere to go to hell

5. Bill Wyman - (Si Si) Je Suis Un Rock Star

Bill Wyman may have been the most boring man in the Rolling Stones, but I always thought that was rather an unfair contest when you consider the competition. Still, this may well be his finest moment. It proves what a wag he really was. The video's hilarious too. 

Je suis un rock star
Je avais un residence
Je habiter la
A la south of France
Voulez vous
Partir with me?
And come and rester la
With me in France

4. The Byrds - So You Want To Be A Rock 'n' Roll Star

Actually, no, I never did. I always wanted to be a writer. Pretty much missed the boat on that one.

3. Pink - So What

Pink's purest moment of petulant punk-pop in which she gives her ex the finger, because, "So what? I'm still a rock star!" The hilariously cartoon video positions Pink as a 21st Century Billy Idol, with added irony. What's not to love?

2. The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star

Would have been Number One if it actually mentioned a Rock Star. Still... Trevor Horn's finest moment. And that's saying something, from the man who produced Owner Of A Lonely Heart.

1. Amanda Palmer - Do It With A Rockstar

What helps AFP stand triumphant over the many fine records below is that this epic is quite unique among rock stars songs, presenting as it does the tale of a needy, neurotic rockstar begging a groupie to stay the night. The honesty of her true intentions...

I don't want your body
Just a part to listen to INXS
All the practice in the world
Won't get me good at loneliness-ness
Loneliless-ness

...are beautifully contrasted by her more desperately persuasive "do you really wanna miss this chance?" chat up routine...

Do you wanna go back home?
Your animals are all alone
Oh, there's a chicken waiting on the stove
And your cousin left his DVD of swinging in the '70s
Or do you wanna go back home
Check your messages and charge your phone?
Oh, are you really sure
You wanna go
When you could
Do it with a rock star?

The video, entertaining though it is in a NSFW way, doesn't really do that dichotomy justice. But it's a wonderful track, and like Pink's song above, a record I just couldn't stop hitting "replay" on when I first got it. God knows what Neil Gaiman thinks, if AFP's actually like this in real life though...




Which one would you throw out the hotel window?

My Top Ten Online Songs

Ten songs about the internet age... with some very pertinent observations.


10. O Pioneers!!! - Chris Ryan Added Me On Facebook

A bit shouty, but so true.

Let’s pretend, that we are friends 
Just like we were back in high school. 
You can send me messages, that I’m sure that I can relate to
Just like in high school. 
Every other week, you can call me. 
Call me on the telephone. 
We can talk about our misadventures, and our breakthroughs. 
Just like in high school. 

See I’m older now, and I don’t give a damn, if I ever talk to you again.

9. The Lancashire Hotpots - eBay 'eck.

See also: I Met A Girl On Myspace. If you like extremely juvenile innuendo.

Word to your mother - how is your mother?

8. Gym Class Heroes - New Friend Request

So click approve, so simple
Show me some kind of sign and let me know it's time to make my move
Just click approve, come on girl

7. Paul & The Patients - Blogspot

It seems that Paul believes blogs are full of self-opinionated blowhards constantly foisting their twaddlelicious opinions on other people. Well, I think that's JUST RUBBISH.

;-) Winking smiley face. ;-)

6. Evelyn Evelyn - My Space

Wow, is Amanda Palmer really old enough to remember myspace? Is anybody...?

And you can't always want what you get,
When you're looking for love,
In a cafe on the internet.
You want somewhere to hide,
Where everyone can find you.
You join hands with the world and say,
'I just want my space.'

5. Superman Revenge Squad - Woman Hating Internet Pornography

Good old Superman Revenge Squad, making a stand - and mentioning Morrissey in the lyrics too.

4. Chumbawamba - On eBay

On eBay, they bought a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink and a cider drink. Bargain!

See also Add Me...

I'm a loner alone with neuroses and hate
Anger is a permanent character trait
My letter bombs are primed and ready to send
Would you like to add me as a friend?
I'm a wound-up whiner with a fetish for guns
I'm almost 50 and I live with my Mum
I hope my nude picture doesn't offend
Would you like to add me as a friend?

Add me. Add me
My mother says she wished she'd never had me
Add me. Add me
Would you like to add me as a friend?

3. Martin Rossiter - Where There Are Pixels 

From the amazing new album by the former Gene frontman. (Have I mentioned this previously?) Get it here.

I bear the torch, I hold it high
It burns aflame for those who tried
But found the outside far too dim
And soon realised
Their life's online... just like mine

2. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess

Good old Nigel Blackwell... he doesn't just get pissed off by life's little niggles - he writes top songs about them too.

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay 

Too late
With your N at E3
Good game, sir, do you want another bout?
Well, Dennis ain't replying cause he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess!

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

1. Brad Paisley - Online

In which George from Seinfeld creates a whole new internet identity for himself... he is Brad Paisley. (And his dad is Bill Shatner - how cool is that?)

'Cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way... chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

Those were my favourite songs about the internet... but which ones get you logged on?

My Top Twenty Albums Of 2012 (20 - 11)

Rules are made to be broken! As is traditional, my year end countdown couldn't be limited to JUST ten records...



20. Kathleen Edwards - Voyageur

Perhaps it does lack the edge of some of her earlier releases, but it's still full of wonderful songs... and that gorgeous, gorgeous voice.

Recommended tracks: Change The Sheets, Chameleon / Comedian.

19. The King Blues - Long Live The Struggle

Very sad to hear The King Blues calling it a day with the release of this, their fourth album. At least lead singer Johnny 'Itch' Fox is continuing as a solo act.You can download his first EP free from his website.

Recommended tracks: Modern Life Has Let Me Down, Booted Out Of Hell.

18. Heartless Bastards - Arrow

A Texan band that has been around almost 10 years now, though I only discovered them very recently. The haunting Marathon is a song I've not been able to stop listening to since I first heard it.

Recommended tracks: Marathon, Only For You.

17. Richard Hawley - Standing At The Sky's Edge

After years crooning heartbreak like Roy Orbison reborn in Sheffield, Hawley went heavy. This album continues to grow on me - particularly the title track which has a foreboding menace I've not heard on record since Jim Morrison took his last bath.

Recommended tracks: Standing At The Sky's Edge, Down In The Woods.

16. Mull Historical Society - City Awakenings

Eight years after the last album released under the MHS name, Colin MacIntyre (who'd been recording under his own name in the meantime) dusted it off to produce possibly the band's finest moment. A record of shimmering beauty.

Recommended tracks: The Lights, Must You Get Low. 

15. Amanda Palmer - Theatre Is Evil

A new record from AFP is always something to celebrate. Especially as the lovely Ms. P continues to allow her fans to decide how much they want to pay to download her music. Neil must be proud.

Recommended tracks: Do It With A Rockstar, The Killing Type. Careful with those videos though: they contain generous lashings of sex, violence and unshaven armpits.

14. The Wedding Present - Valentina

Doesn't sound vastly different to the records David Gedge was making 25 years ago. Nobody writes first person kitchen sink relationship drama pop songs that verge on agony aunt confessionals in quite the same way.

I’ve been using you
All this time
And it’s not that I don’t adore you
Because I do
But I’ve realized
That I don’t think I
Am ever gonna leave my girlfriend
For you

Recommended tracks: Back At Bit... Stop, The Girl From The DDR.

13. First Aid Kit - The Lion's Roar

All the way from Sweden, a pair of country-folky sisters in thrall to Emmylou, Gram, Johnny and June. Really quite lovely.

Recommended tracks: Emmylou, The Lion's Roar.

12. Sweet, Sweet Lies - The Hare, The Hound & The Tortoise

Sounding like a butcher Divine Comedy (that is, a Divine Comedy that's more butch... not one that carves meat for a living) or Mumford & Sons with all the twee bits filed off by Shane MacGowan, Sweet, Sweet Lies were one of my most joyous accidental discoveries this year. I'm still waiting for the rest of the world to catch up.

She'll sing in key and play guitar
Like Johnny Cash and Johnny Marr
And she'll know the capital of Iceland...

Recommended tracks: Capital of Iceland, The Day I Change.

11. Cosmo Jarvis - Think Bigger 

Look, if you've not embraced the utter wonderfulosity of Cosmo Jarvis yet, I can only feel bad for you. So at least pretend you're a fan and keep me happy. 

Recommended tracks: The Girl From My Village, Sunshine.

 

OK, hold your horses, we'll get to the Top Ten tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy these. Your ears will thank you.