Emergency Questions #11: Heavenly Age

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

Summer's over and the time is right to bring back some of the ongoing series I abandoned just prior to my holiday from teaching (aka the Exhaustion Weeks). It's a cliché that I go back to work for a rest, but... 

Kevin Rowland - Age Can't Wither You

As usual, I'm stealing another query from Richard Herring's book EMERGENCY QUESTIONS and trying to answer it with added songs. Here's today's question...

What age would you like to be when you get to heaven, presuming there is a heaven and you get to choose what age you'll be when you're up there?

Ernest Tubb - It's The Age That Makes The Difference

Putting aside whether or not we believe in any kind of afterlife, this is a thought-provoking question. If we're lucky enough to live to an old age, we wouldn't want to be stuck at that age, for eternity, with all the frailties, disabilities and marble loss that might come with it. We'd want to be young and strong and ready to take best advantage of our nirvana...

New Order - Age Of Consent

Would we want then to spend immortality reliving the "best years of our lives"? Oh, to be 16 again...  

Hello Saferide - X Telling Me About The Loss Of Something Dear, At Age 16

No thank you very much. I wouldn't mind going back and reliving a good day of my adolescence, safe in the knowledge that I could return to where I am right now before the bad days kick in. Because I did have a good many bad days as a teenager, days of self-doubt, embarrassment, humiliation days and crushing loneliness. 

Joe Jackson - Awkward Age

Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

What about my twenties then? When I was a bit more grown up? And even more messed up...

Pet Shop Boys - Twenty Something

Taylor Swift - 22

Probably not. 

In my thirties, maybe then I finally got a handle on this thing called life... though I still didn't feel like a proper grown-up. (Still don't.) 

Aimee Man - 31 Today

In answer to Rich's question then, I'd probably choose to be mid-30s. Some time just before I fell down the stairs and broke my arm, also causing a slipped disc in my back which still bothers me today. Some time before the aches and pains set in... 

Willie Nelson - Don't Be Ashamed Of Your Age

Department S - Age Concern

I realise I'm a bit unusual though. Maybe you would choose to be 16 forever... or 21... or even 7?

What age would you pick to live out the hereafter?

Snapshots #342: A Top Twelve Star Wars Songs

Yesterday was May 4th - Star Wars Day. (Because: May The 4th Be With You. Don't blame me. I didn't come up with that.) Did you need The Force to crack these clues...?

12. Flaming satellite. 

Named after a Russian street gang, the "sigue sigue" meaning "burn burn"...

Sigue Sigue Sputnik - Albinoni vs. Star Wars, Pt. 1 & 2

11. Sadomasochism for the Original Gangsters.

S&M for the OGs...

Smog - I Am Star Wars!

10. Armenian butcher.

Their name means "butcher" in Armenian, apparently...

Kasabian - Empire

9. Odd LA back-up. 

Odd is Weird, LA backwards is AL...

Weird Al Yankovic - Yoda

(Sung to the tune of Lola, naturally.)

8. Twice as bright.

Neon Neon - I Told Her On Alderaan

Alderaan was Princess Leia's home planet... but you knew that.

Neon Neon features Gruff Rhys of the Super Furry Animals.

7. Greasy lady found in Falkirk.

The lady in Grease is Sandy. Denny is a town in Falkirk. Han was Solo.

Sandy Denny - Solo

6. Home security camera rotates more than half way. 

I've got Blink security cameras on Top Ten Towers, in case you were thinking of coming round to steal my CD collection. If you rotate something through half a turn, that's 180 degrees. Just over that would be...

Blink 182 - A New Hope

5. Don't mess.

Don't Mess With Jim!

Jim Croce - A Long Time Ago

...in a galaxy far, far away.

4. Female warrior and bright star. 

Bellatrix is both of the above.

Bellatrix - Jedi Wannabe

3. What Johnny used for small payments.

Johnny raids the Petty Cash.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Rebels

2. On yer bike, Nicole Kidman!

Nicole Kidman's second film role, way back in 1983, was in the movie BMX Bandits.

BMX Bandits - Star Wars

1. The genuine article.

The Real Thing - Can You Feel The Force?

Snapshots will be back next Saturday. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

Seasonal Snapshots II - The Answers

When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve, you promised me the answers to Saturday Snapshots... well, here they are.

Congratulations to Reading's Rigid Digit who took the star on the top of the tree this year. Sterling effort from Chris, the runner up, from Denmark. Thanks also to Brian from the U.S. and Deano from Australia for coming along and solving the ones nobody else could - truly an international effort! Cheers and happy Christmas to all the other regulars. Thanks for playing.

To help you enjoy the festivities, here's 25 tunes to play on Christmas morning and get you in the mood... handily compiled into a playlist should you wish to listen to them all while you're basting your turkeys...


25. Richard Tea? Dai Jestive? Gary Baldy? Don't be so trite!

Rich Tea. Di-Gestive. GariBaldy. All half men, half biscuits.

Half Man Half Biscuit - It's Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas

24. Follow this to Bethlehem to find the answer.

Big Star - Jesus Christ

23. Sweet rejoicing in mature meadow.

A mature meadow would be an old field.

Sweet rejoicing in Latin would be...

Mike Oldfield - In Dulci Jubilo

22. Holding up knickers with A Greater Doxology.

Knickers are held up by elastic. Elastic with A makes...

The Greater Doxology is another name for Gloria in excelsis Deo...

Elastica - Gloria

21. Spousal present dilemma solved by wet bloke and old king.

Wet bloke = Waterman

Old King Cole

George Cole & Dennis Waterman (aka "Arfur" Daley & Terry McCann) - What're We Gonna Get For Christmas For 'Er Indoors?

20. Making a festive killing.

Because Slayed = killed, and because Noddy Holder makes a million quid from this song every year, apparently.

Slade - Merry Christmas Everyone

19. Shrunken Santa on the sands.

The Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick

18. Long before Mariah: I still need to give you that dollar.

Mariah sang "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

You owe me a buck.

Buck Owens - All I Want For Christmas Dear Is You

17. Jesus's crown found amid the decorations.

Jesus had a crown of thorns.

Tracy Thorn - Tinsel & Lights

16. Wan waterfalls wish you a blessed Noel.

Pale Fountains - Benoit's Christmas

("Benoit" is an archaic French word for blessed.)

15. W.S. & Arthur did not dream like Frank. O!

Gilbert O'Sullivan - I'm Not Dreaming Of A White Christmas

14. Eddie's Italian restaurant date gets spruced up in Cooper's jeans.

In Billy Joel's Scenes From An Italian Restaurant, Brenda and Eddie were going steady.

Lee Cooper.

Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

13. Former house-painter enjoys festive peanuts.

Mark Kozelek's old band were the Red House Painters.

This song is a cover version of the famous song from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Mark Kozelek - Christmas Time Is Here

12. Colorado native begs for festive tem-pa-rance.

Denver, Colorado.

John Denver - Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas

11. Will his sleigh contain snowflakes or diamonds this year?

The Crystals - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

10. Ta for an ecstatic yule.

XTC - Thanks For Christmas

9. Pine delivery for Homerski.

Red Simpson - Truckin' Trees For Christmas

8. Bald, golden harpies invite you back for an egg nog at their place.

The Eagles - Please Come Home For Christmas

7. Lazy ocean brags about bellowing at baubles.

Lazy = idle. Billy Ocean / Bragg.

Billy Idol - Yelling At The Christmas Tree

6. Queens start computer programmes like a Jack-Hammer.

Computers start with Run.

Jack Dee.

MC Hammer.

Hollis is in Queens.

Run DMC - Christmas In Hollis

5. No little stars twinkling tonight... just a neverending clanging.

The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)

4. Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, he walks into mine... but he's a few days early.

Quote from Casablanca, obviously.

Julian Casablancas - I Wish It Was Christmas Today (oh, now it is!)

3. Refusing #8's offer, with eyes closed 26 x 7.

The Eagles sang "Please Come Home For Christmas" at #8.

This is Blink 182's reply...

Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas

2. That's a long way to go for a phoney (even a great one).

The Pretenders weren't phoneys, but they were Great Pretenders.

The Pretenders - 2000 Miles

1. Huey's future hit stolen by Sinatra movie.

Huey Lewis's hit from Back To The Future was The Power of Love.

I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw...

Happy Christmas. Thanks for being there this year. It's appreciated.

Hot 100 #68

"American noise-punk duo" '68 welcome us to the number 68 on our countdown... and they sound like this.

Most people identified this week's obvious winner, but we had a few other interesting suggestions too...

The Swede suggested Roland Kirk & Jack McDuff - Doin' the Sixty-Eight, which is the kind of jazz I can just about handle, so yes, pretty cool.

Lynchie & Rigid Digit both offered up Seasick Steve - Barracuda 68, which sounds like ZZ Top in the very best way possible.

Dubai Jim went down the band route and suggested The Mai 68s with Totality For Kids, which is definitely worth a click, particularly as it seems to come from an album called Some Hearts Are Paid To Die.

Martin once again offered a couple of tracks he wasn't that into... Pink Floyd - Summer '68 and Chicago - Questions 67 & 68... before settling on the obvious choice. Saves me the job of suggesting those two as they were both in my library.

Rigid Digit also offered Blink 182 - 6/8... which I might have to save for My Top Ten Time Signature Songs... if I ever do that.

Lyrical offerings included the following...

The Sweet - The Six-Teens...

But sixty-eight was sixty-eight,

no matter what they say...

Apparently John Medd has that on a T-shirt!

Fair play - I've never heard that before, guys, but I loved it.

Other lyrical 68s culled from my own collection included...

Joni Mitchell - The Last Time I Saw Richard... "was Detroit in '68"

Bruce Springsteen - Highway Patrolman... "Frankie came home in '68 and me I took this job"

Dexys Midnight Runners - Geno... "Back in '68 in a sweaty club..."

All fine tunes, but most everyone agreed that there could only be one winner this week. As C put it, "all other possible suggestions have been completely obscured from view by their hair".

This is the second and probably final appearance by The Alarm in this countdown. Wonderfully awful video for your enjoyment too...




67 next week. Nothing as obvious as our last two entries... unless you know different.

Saturday Snapshots #26 - The Answers (Really, this time.)

Sorry. I couldn't resist it, given the date.

Here are this week's real answers.

I've been watching the detectives, and they've done pretty well this weekend. To whit...


10. Strolling round the Sun puts a scratch on your cornet.

If you scratch your cornet you might put at mark on your cone.

Which Martin got, but then couldn't work out the song.

As Charity Chic pointed out though, the famous Sun Studios is based in Memphis, so...

Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis

9. Frank had a few, on the beach.

Regrets, I've had a few, sang Frank.

Alyson and Martin played Maddie and David to solve this once.

Girl-power for the #metoo generation...

The Regrettes - Seashore

8. Massachusetts is better than Flashdance!

Boston is in Massachussetts, as all Cheers fans will know.

Irene Cara's big hit from Flashdance was What A Feeling.

Alyson just beat CC and RD to this one...

Boston - More Than A Feeling

Epic guitar solo ahoy!

7. I don't doubt you could tape over this - so calm down!

We all taped over plenty of Dolby cassettes - even Doubting Thomas.

Thomas Dolby - Hyperactive

Another point for Martin.

6. The brown-eyed kings of Connacht take more than a week.

The kings of Connacht were the O'Connor clan. Brown eyes are Hazel.

Hazel O'Connor - Eighth Day

Rigid Digit beat Alyson to this one by seconds!

5. 46, I think. If I'm still here in another 136 years, I'll scarcely be able to open my eyes.

I am 46.

46 + 136 = 182.

If I can barely open my eyes, I might not even be able to blink.

Alyson got the band with a few clues...  Chris pitched in with the song.

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

The video involves the band running naked through LA. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's not a pretty sight.

4. Where you'll find the virgin oil... and one's main elbow.

You'd get virgin oil from a Mary well, surely?

The lead singer of Elbow is Guy Garvey.

Mary Wells - My Guy

Alyson, Lynchie, George and C teamed up for this one. Jeez, it wasn't that difficult, was it?

3. Reserve Michael, Clive and Wilfred to go all around the world.

CC quickly worked out that if you reserved Michael, Clive and Wilfred, you would be going to book Owens. (Or maybe he just recognised the photo.) I thought the rest of the clue was easy... but maybe the song was too obscure?

I should have settled for The Streets of Bakersfield... or Big In Vegas... or The Kansas City Song... or even Truck Drivin' Man?

Buck Owens - Love Makes The World Go Round

2. A priest plays for Clint at the Mesopotamian party.

Clint Eastwood was a DJ stalked by a crazy fan who wanted him to "Play Misty For Me". Lynchie cracked that, the song proved tougher... but Chris helped out again.

Father John Misty - Funtimes In Babylon

1.The King monk's partner (and his dad) need help with a bicycle puncture.

Yes, that's a young Declan McManus and his dad, Ross... The Secret Lemonade Drinker.

The King = Elvis + the king monk = Abbott. Abbott & Costello. Etc. Etc.

Martin got this one, which I think (just) makes him this week's winner. Or maybe he was tied with Alyson. It's late and my maths head isn't working. Too many half marks this week.




Thanks for playing, as always.

Next week I promise to make them much easier. No April Fool's!