Neverending Top Ten #7.4: Wrestlemania

Bruce Springsteen - The Wrestler

Reverend & The Makers - The Wrestler

On Saturday afternoon, Sam and a couple of his mates went to Wrestlemania. It was a birthday party treat for one of his friends. They all loved it.

Art Brut - Unprofessional Wrestling

Carter USM - Is Wrestling Fixed?

Of course, this got me thinking of my own childhood, of Saturday afternoons watching Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks, Mick McManus, Mark “Rollerball” Rocco and Kendo Nagasaki on TV... easy! Easy! Easy! EASY!!!

MJ Hibbert - The Saturday Lunchtime Wrestlers

The Superman Revenge Squad - Kendo Nagasaki

Luke Haines - Inside The Restless Mind Of Rollerball Rocco

Luke Haines - Big Daddy Got A Casio VL–Tone

Luke Haines - Haystack's In Heaven (Parts 1-3)

I mentioned these to my Mum, who added one perfect detail I'd never heard before. "Me and your dad went to watch the wrestling when we were on our honeymoon in Skegness." So a love of wrestling has been in our family from the early 1950s... through the 80s... and into the present day. A glorious tag team through time. 

She’s the main man in the office in the city

And she treats me like I’m just another lackey

But I can put a tennis racket up against my face

And pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki

Snapshots Spillover - Cop A Load More!

Detective Andy Sipowicz of the NYPD is here to welcome you to more tunes about his colleagues in the service... and the things we call them.

Bobby Fuller Four - I Fought The Law

That one would have been too obvious.

Goat Girl - The Man

That one less so.

Oscar Wills - Flatfoot Sam

I have two copies of that in my hard drive. One of them is credited to Oscar Wilde. I don't think it was him.

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

In honour of the California Highway Patrol...

The most bizarre tune I came across during this week's search was this UK Top Ten hit from 1975... hard to believe, unless you remember it.

Billy Howard - King Of The Cops

Here are some far more glamorous cops...

Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - Glam Rock Cops

Sadly, I couldn't find any songs with a titular mention of the Rozzer, but they did once arrest Sir Thumbs Aloft for wearing a pink balloon about his foot...

Wings - London Town

As for the Bizzies, they've been known to round up Sam Fender and his mates for fighting on the beach in Newcastle...

Sam Fender - Seventeen Going Under

In Sheffield though, cheeky Monkeys get sent home in this...

Arctic Monkeys - Riot Van

We close today with the obvious ones I had to leave out over the weekend...

Snapshots #358: A Top Ten Songs For Your Wedding Day

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring together ten songs you'll need for your wedding day playlist...

 

10. Surprised by Sixx. 

Nikki Sixx is the lead singer of Mötley Crüe. A surprise is usually quite sudden.

Nikki Sudden – Wedding Hotel

9. Michael Caine was a bit of a stud.

Michael Caine was Jack Carter.

Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine - Always The Bridesmaid, Never The Bride

8. In this universe, I have the right to remain silent.

The right to remain silent is the Fifth Amendment... in this dimension, at least.

Fifth Dimension – Wedding Bells Blues

7. Telephone, post, despatch.

They are all red boxes.

Red Box – Speeches

6. The Light, Four, Mr. Fox.

The Light Fantastic, Fantastic Four and Fantastic Mr. Fox.

The Fantastics - Something Old, Something New

5. Were Jack's stripes mean or median?

Were The White Stripes an average band?

Average White Band – Cut The Cake

4. Like a Smith: beautiful, and young at heart.

Patti Smith, la belle and the Bluebells...

Patti Labelle & The Blue Belles – Down The Aisle

3. They performed on the Hill, for the Baker, and at the Coronation.

A band for Hill Street, Baker Street and Coronation Street...

Streetband - Toast

2. Mixture used to heal demons.  

"Heal demons" was an anagram...

The Lemonheads - Confetti

1. Release your suffering. 

Free da pain!

Freda Payne - Band of Gold

If any of you know cause or just impediment why Snapshots should no return next Saturday, speak now... or forever hold thy peace.

Self-Help For Cynics #30: Anti-Social Media

Back to our old friend Tiberius. 

Alabama 3 - Facebook.con

Tiberius isn't on Snappychat or Instagrass or any of the newer-fangled social networking sites. He checks in with the Book of Faces once or twice a day, mostly to keep up with old friends, drop the occasional witticism and play along with the daily quizzes one or two of his more eccentric peers post. And he quit Tweeter (which he'd rarely used anyway) when Elon Musk turned it into a dystopian autocracy named after an LA band featuring Exene Cervenka, John Doe, Billy Zoom and D. J. Bonebrake. 

X - Burning House Of Love

In terms of the pressures of social media then, Tiberius is living quite a mentally-healthy life. Unlike the average teenager...

My Chemical Romance - Teenagers

A survey published earlier this year suggests that almost half of British teenagers are addicted to social media. Here's a selection of comments from the mouths of actual teenage young people in The Times of London last month...

“If I went an hour without my phone, I would be really stressed.”

“I was talking to people online when I was ten.”

“I would much rather have been born in the Eighties. I would have been working a lot harder.”

“You get a buzz if someone likes your comment. So a phone does give you quite a lot of validation, which is unhealthy in large doses – but it does feel good.”

That last one brings us back to Tiberius. Because, as previously mentioned, Tiberius does write a blog. Something which he claims he only does as a way of relaxing and focusing his mind on his two main interests - music and writing. Tiberius frequently states that he does this purely for himself, that it doesn't matter if other people read his witterings or leave an agreeable comment, and yet... and yet...

Remember our discussion about the benefits and pitfalls of writing?

Remember our brief look at that wonderful feel-good brain chemical dopamine?

Alex Cameron - Internet

According to Dr. Anna Lembke of Stanford University’s dual diagnosis addiction clinic, we are all dopamine addicts when it comes to social media (and that must include blogging). According to the Grauniad...

She calls the smartphone the “modern-day hypodermic needle”: we turn to it for quick hits, seeking attention, validation and distraction with each swipe, like and tweet.

Stefan Dennis - Don't It Make You Feel Good?

(I couldn't resist slipping that one in. I know: I'm beyond hope.)

Social media, and the internet at large, is directly responsible for the rise in unhappiness in the developed world over the past 30 years. Could the microcosm of the blogosphere be just as responsible for this as TikTok, Tinder and Pornhub? Surely it's not as bad as those appalling supervillains? Well, if it's encouraging our dopamine addiction... maybe.

Lora Logic - On The Internet

Dopamine causes addiction because of how the brain works in response to it. After any pleasurable experience (which causes a dopamine release), the brain responds with a process called homeostasis. Which basically uses the lyrics of Pete Seeger's Turn! Turn! Turn! (or the Book of Ecclesiastes, if you want to get Biblical) as a template for self-regulation.

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together

The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is A Season)

Or you might say it's following Newton's Third Law, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

In other words, for every up... there must follow a down. Or a downer, to be more precise.

When we binge on pleasurable things, homeostasis means “our brain compensates by bringing us lower and lower and lower,” says Lembke. Each time the thing becomes less enjoyable, but we eventually become dependent on those stimuli to keep functioning. We spiral into a joy-seeking abyss. 

Carter USM - The Final Comedown

And when it comes to the internet, there's nothing to stop us feeding our addiction. If we're hooked on booze or drugs, eventually we'll run out of the substance in question, or run out of the funds needed to procure them. If you're addicted to social media because of the tiny dopamine spikes that come from a like or a thumbs up or a smiley... or a blogging comment... then short of them turning off your electric (and the batteries on all your mobile devices dying simultaneously), there's nothing to stop you gorging yourself to the point of gluttony. 

Depeche Mode - Just Can't Get Enough

Which makes Tiberius question... how much blogging is too much blogging? Is up to (and sometimes over) a thousand words a day just too much? In devoting so much time to the dopamine-inducing thrill of blogging, is he denying himself the comedown? What is that doing to his brain?

More on this next time...

Memory Mixtape #28: Mum's Driving

REM - Drive

Due to failing eyesight, my mum stopped driving more than twenty years ago. However, the stories about when she was a driver are the stuff of family legend. 

Adam & The Ants - Cartrouble

Obviously, there's the time she drove the wrong way down a one way street.

Mink Deville - One Way Street

And the time she almost drove me and my grandma (her mum) off a cliff. (They were arguing about which way to go. I was in the backseat, clinging on for deer life.)

Del Amitri - Driving With The Brakes On

And the time she drove over an open manhole from which a workman's head had been protruding a few seconds earlier. (Good job he ducked.)

Queen - Don't Lose Your Head

Perhaps most famous of all is the time that she stalled in the middle of roadworks and the policeman who was directing traffic got down on his knees in front of her car and put his hands together in prayer, begging her to move.

Shakin' Stevens - She Drives Me Crazy

We remember all these stories with good humour, even though our lives may have been at risk on one or more occasion... let's face it, none of us were wearing safety belts back then.

Deborah Harry - Buckle Up

What it's easy to forget though, is how much mum (and dad) drove me around, wherever I wanted to go, when I was a kid. Music lessons, band practice, comic marts in Leeds... we were reminiscing about the latter recently, about the time my mate Liam (who was notoriously car-sick) came with us, and when Liam started looking a bit queasy, Mum just handed him a paper bag and said, "do it in there". Or the time she went to pay for parking and the ticket machine started spitting out money. She shared it out between the two of us and we bought a few extra comics that day. 

Carter U.S.M. - The Young Offender's Mum

Then, when I started working in radio, Mum would get up early on a Saturday morning to drive me to Bradford in time for the 9am show I worked on... at least until I'd passed my driving test, which wasn't until I was 18, so she must have done it every Saturday for at least two years. One Saturday, I had a piano exam at the same time. I'd told the presenter I was working with that I was going to be half an hour late, but he'd forgotten, and in the pre-mobile phone era, there was no way of reminding him. Driving in, listening to the radio, we kept hearing him saying, "Where's Rol this morning? I've got nobody to answer my phones." Mum remembered that when she finally dropped me off and I sprinted into the studio, the first link she heard on her way home was, "Oh look, Rol's arrived... still wearing his pyjamas."

Justin Townes Earle - Call Ya Momma

These days, when I spent many of my weeknights and weekends ferrying Sam to a variety of sporting activities and pre-teen social engagements, I like to remind myself that I'm paying it forwards. Thanks, Mum.

The All Seeing I & Jarvis Cocker - Drive Safely Darlin' 

There's an obvious song to close today, but one that was over-played to the point that most people are sick to the back teeth of it. Never fear - Aimee Mann to the rescue!

Idiomusic #1: Nowhere Fast

The interweb tells me than an idiom is "a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words". I'm not sure I agree with that - you often can figure out the meaning of an idiom if you sit and think about it. 

"Raining cats and dogs"? 

It's belting down; the rain is so heavy it's like small domesticated animals falling out of the sky.

"Sit on the fence"?  

There's one field of opinion to the left, one field of opinion to the right - you can't decide which you agree with (or don't want to upset either field owner) so you sit on the fence in-between.

Regardless, having taught English to students of other languages, I will say that the preponderance of idioms in our language is one of many things that makes it so bloody difficult to learn (or to teach, at least).

All this is an introduction to a lazy new feature where I pick a random idiom and see how many songwriters have decided to steal it to make a tune from.

We begin... by going Nowhere Fast. And I guess we have to start with this one, a fine example of why (latter day crimes not withstanding) Morrissey should still be considered the greatest lyricist of his generation.

And when I'm lying in my bed
I think about life
And I think about death
And neither one particularly appeals to me

Girls At Our Best! (exclamation mark theirs) came from Leeds in 1979. They self-financed their debut single on their own Record Records label and it reached #9 in the UK Indie chart. It was later covered by The Wedding Present.

Girls At Our Best! - Going Nowhere Fast

A little bit of cowpunk next from Jason Ringenberg and his hot backing band...

Jason & The Scorchers - Gettin' Nowhere Fast

Still on the country side of town, here's a Fabulously Superlative singer...

Marty Stuart - Goin' Nowhere Fast

Some shiny new country next. A bit too polished for some of you hard-bitten cowpokes, but I like this kind of stuff in small doses...

Old Dominion - Nowhere Fast

And here's a gentleman who sounds like he should be in a country band - or the Waltons. It's Jim Bob...

Carter USM - Nowhere Fast

Meanwhile, in New York City...

Joey Ramone - Going Nowhere Fast

Shoes were an American power pop band from Zion, Illinois. They were one of the first bands to be played on MTV... presumably before anyone started watching it. 

Shoes - Nowhere So Fast

Capital Cities come from LA. Hmpf. They should come from Washington DC.

Capital Cities -  Patience Gets Us Nowhere Fast

And now, a little German beat music from the 90s...

Johnny No And The No-Men - Going Nowhere Fast

I did find a band called Nowhere Fast as well. They released a solitary album in 1982. That's the record cover at the top of this page. You can listen to all of it on the tube of you. I'm guessing they went... 

You can finish that sentence yourself, I'm sure.

The phrase Nowhere Fast is an oxymoron, so it was bound to appeal to Jim Steinman who loves contradiction as much as he does hyperbole. This was one of only two Steinman compositions on the fourth Meat Loaf album, Bad Attitude, and naturally it's one of the best two songs on that record.  It was originally recorded by Fire Inc. for the soundtrack of the rock n roll movie Streets Of Fire starring Michael Paré, Diane Lane, Rick Moranis and Willem Dafoe. The movie was an expensive flop, but it's got a pretty decent soundtrack.

Product Placement Friday #10: Mother's Pride

I noticed there was some debate in Wednesday's Daktari post about Mother's Pride, with George questioning The Proclaimers...

Mother’s Pride on the table, Batman on TV

A Man in a Suitcase, and Daktari and Skippy

The Proclaimers - Lulu Selling Tea

Mother’s Pride, Misters Reid, not a proper Scottish plain loaf?

Charity Chic was swift to come to the defence of the bread which began life in the north of England but soon spread all across the British Isles...

Mother's Pride is a proper loaf!

So proper, in fact, that they got Dusty Springfield in to sing their praises...

They don't make adverts like that anymore.

Where else can we find Mother's Pride mentioned in song?

Let's start with another Scot...

You with yer brand new shoes and

You with yer greasy hair and

You with your Mother's Pride and poetry

Don't you want to feel the shame?

The Eurythmics - Shame

And then another. Stevie Jackson is the guitarist in Belle & Sebastian. He also released a solo album in 2011 with the superb title (I Can't Get No) Stevie Jackson. Who wouldn't want that in their collection?

Sitting with my lunchbox

Plain bread, Mother's Pride

Brown crust on the outside

I couldn't take my eyes off her

She was playing and I was staying pure of heart

Stevie Jackson - Pure Of Heart

We can always rely on Jim Bob to turn product placement into a metaphor for crumbling society...

And the grass grows bluer on the other side

Where the old girls queue for their Mother's Pride

For a slice of life it's a bargain sale

The price is right but the bread is stale

Carter USM - Rubbish

Meanwhile, the Rentals take their passion for a sliced loaf to the extreme...

Why do I have to die for Mother’s Pride?

Why didn’t they tell me before?

The Rentals - Breaking & Breaking & Breaking

While Chrissie Hynde clearly uses it in the boudoir...

I'm potent, baby, I'm potent

Dangerous to the naked eye

Rest your head on this bed of Mother's Pride

And find out why

The Pretenders - Sense Of Purpose

And Damon Albarn only gets his on a Sunday...

Sunday, Sunday here again, tidy attire

You read the color supplement, the TV guide

You dream of protein on a plate, regret you left it quite so late

To gather the family around the table, to eat enough to sleep

And Mother's Pride is your epithet, that extra slice you'll soon regret

So going out is your best bet, then bingo yourself to sleep

Oh that Sunday sleep

Blur - Sunday Sunday

Not all the lyrical references above are pure product placement, of course. The term "mother's pride (and joy)" is commonly used to refer to "the emotion a mother feels when one of her children succeeds in some endeavor, and I rejected quite a few lyrics on the basis that I doubted they'd ever heard of the bread. However, both the artists below grew up in the 60s and 70s and would have been familiar with the brand when they came to name songs after it, even if the songs in question might have more to do with maternal delight than sliced bread. They knew what they were doing, is my point.

Let's start with George... a different George than the one who inspired this post...

That's a pretty emotional tune about loss, one I've not heard in years.

On the other hand, we have a Paul Heaton song that compares Mother's Pride with Father's Pride... and the dads have a lot to answer for.

 

Another slice of product placement next Friday...

Product Placement Friday #6: Domestos

When I was a kid, the burning bush in the corner of our living room told me that Domestos kills ALL known germs: DEAD.

Nowadays, I'm disappointed to hear that it only kills 99.9% of those pesky germs, which makes me wonder about the mutant 0.1% that has grown resistant to the power of bleach. Presumably that includes the Covid germs, which is why Donald's Trump's plan for us all to guzzle Domestos like Night Nurse never caught on.

Let's keep George happy by starting with Mark E. Smith, lucid as ever...

If you deny that strong pot or ecstasy imbibed you will end up

Eyeball injecting with Domestos or household using chemicals that contain

The Fall - Shake-Off

Chumbawamba, meanwhile, just don't like any of these big brands. Birds Eye. Oxo. Persil. Lifebuoy...

Domestos kills all known truths dead

Chumbawamba - Unilever

Butter fan John Lydon, on the other hand, won't have a word said against it...

Domestos is domestic bliss!

Public Image Ltd - Double Trouble

However, it's me old pal Jim Bob, along with his old pal Fruitbat, who kills all other contenders dead this week, with two different tracks that reference Domestos on their album 101 Damnations. First there's a full church choir...

Carter USM - The Road To Domestos

And then there's this old Rubbish...

From John O'Groats to Elmer's End

With busted lights and dodgy plates

Scrawled with a ball point pen

R U B B I S H

I'm underage and uninsured

On the High Road to Domestos

Chloraflouracarbon, Lord

Asbestos lead asbestos!

2022 Contenders: If God Was a CCTV Control Room Operator Called Steve

I was brought up Church of England. Sunday School every week, religious assemblies, a Bible by my bedside. Somewhere along the line, I fell into fence-sitting agnosticism. I can see both the positives and negatives of religious belief, and while I no longer accept the idea of a bloke with a white beard sitting on a cloud, I refuse to discount the idea of some kind of afterlife, if only because the alternative is just too bleak... and how would I account for ghosts otherwise?

I find the whole belief debate quite fascinating though, particularly the unanswerable question of How Could A Loving God Allow So Much Suffering? That's a bottomless pit which former Carter frontman Jim Bob willingly throws himself into on this epic track from his latest Beach Ready EP. Apparently Jim Bob describes ‘If God Was a CCTV Control Room Operator Called Steve’ as his favourite ever Jim Bob recording. I'm tempted to agree with him. 

Snapshots #224: A Top Ten Impossible Songs!

Did I set you a Mission: Impossible... or did you Cruise easily to the answers?

Time to check your results...

10. Burn down Carlisle, Dublin, Dundee and Humberside.

"Burn down the disco," sand Morrissey, in Panic.

Panic At The Disco - Impossible Year

A student used to tell me I looked like the lead singer of PATD. I don't.

9. They shall see God, but it'll cause them much agony.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

According to Bible Study... or Indiana Jones.

The Pains of Being Pure At Heart - Impossible

8. Joker captures sidekick in can.

The Joker fought Batman. Batman's sidekick was Robin. If Robin was in a can, he would be a...

Tina Robin - Nothing Is Impossible

7. Mountebanks.

I doubt I'll ever run out of synonyms for these guys.

The Charlatans - Impossible

6. A bison goes with a hawk.

A bison is a buffalo. Tom goes with a hawk to make Tomahawk.

Buffalo Tom - Impossible

5. Two Georges need a Minder to help them go through the undeveloped photos.

Lloyd George + George Cole develop The Negatives.

Lloyd Cole & The Negatives - Impossible Girl

4. Sheila Grant? Must be the clouds in my eyes.

Sheila Grant was played by Sue Johnston.

"Must be the clouds in my eyes," is a line from Daniel.

Daniel Johnston - Impossible Love

Or you could have had...

Daniel Johnston - It's Impossible

3. Mason, with half a bad haircut that won't disguise his bald patch.

Perry Mason with a Com(b)Over.

Perry Como - It's Impossible

2. Peanut farmer gets the last letter of his home wrong.

Jimmy Carter was the peanut farmer, but he was President of the USA, not the USM.

Carter USM - The Impossible Dream

Many different versions of that song, but that is my favourite.

1. Fish in collar.

Anagram!

(The only one this week. Sorry, Lynchie!)

Lalo Schifrin - Mission Impossible

Great live version below with some top ivory tickling from Lalo...

Impossible to beat that? I'll try again next Saturday...

Conversations With Ben #21: Christmas Accidents

Ben sends a picture of the top of his Christmas tree.

Rol: Does he cast his own purple glow or have you created that?

Ben: Did it by making sure the blue lights on the tree hit red tinsel.

Fire hazard.

Tinsel and Christmas tree lights? LEDs a fire hazard?

If tinsel gets hot, it'll go up like a supernova.

It won't by these lights.

I was amused tonight by the computer in Louise's brain hitting a glitch. She's had me spend most of my weekend putting up Christmas lights outside the house. Tonight she realised that when the curtains are closed she can't see them. So she's wasting electricity, which she hates. But... pretty Christmas lights. 

Wasting electricity... pretty lights...

Wasting... pretty...

It was like "open the bomb bay doors, Hal"...

I'm supposed to put Christ lights outside this coming weekend. I don't see the point. I like inside decorations. Not outside.

I don't see the point in any of it. 

You could get transparent curtains.

Or blinds.

But then the clowns would be able to look in.

They haven't been a thing in a few years.

They'll always be a thing in Louise's head.

You should hire a clown to stand out in your garden.

She hates me enough already

Sounds healthy.

Ben sends a photo of a large bump on his head.

Ben: Running is dangerous.

Rol: Head injury. A&E now.

Nah. I'm all good.

I put some frozen peas on it and had some Ibuprofen.

And I can't tell if you're joking.

I work in a hospital now.

Still can't tell if you're joking, but I just rang 111.

They don't sound super concerned. So I've got a call back from a clinician.

Not sure whether you're just trying to spook me or not.

Not intentionally. Louise always gets super worried about head injuries though. Better to be safe...

Tell me you ran into a lamppost.

Yeah. Kids were on the path so I ran on the grass to get around them and hit my head on a sign hanging off a lamppost.

Did anyone film it on their phone?

Nah. The kids were too busy riding microscooters. Apparently they're a thing again?

Spoken with my GP now too. Don't feel they need to see me. Just keep an eye.

You can thank me later for saving you from permanent brain damage.

I reckon I can afford to lose a few braincells.

Rol replies...

Are you?

Rol replies...

Maybe I do have concussion. That made me audibly chuckle.

Still not saying LOL, so you appear safe from brain damage.

Isn't it exclusively people over 40 who use that term now?

And Facey B huns?

I don't even want to know what they are.

Those women who spend all day on FB and end every post with "thx Hun XX".

Presumably sending lots of messages to Attila and his people.

Haha. That was well funni. Thx hunni xx.

 

Had my booster yesterday and feel like crap today. Currently waiting to see Father Christmas in the drizzle at the Kirklees Light Railway Santa Express.

Bragging much?

I had to book months ago. Sam and Louise are at home.

So you've got your anorak on and your trainspotting guide?

I can get my booster from Monday.

Working out whether to try and see if I can do a walk in or wait for my appointment.

There were loads of walk ins when I went for mine. Might be less capacity where you are thouh8=%#@!

Yeah, think I might just go tomorrow on lunch.

There's a walk in close by.

While writing that last message I walked into a low fence post, fell over and landed on another post and seriously hurt my leg.

Oh shit.

You all good?

Two massive bruises. One on my shin, one on my thigh. Hurt pride from the stupidity of walking and texting, which I never do.

Oh man, that sucks. Well, you're working in a hospital now. Get someone to check you over tomorrow.

Up there with your recent lamppost encounter.

I'd say yours is worse.

Walking upstairs really hurts now!

I think a positive thing is to realise that the injury hasn't made you wonder if you'd be able to call in sick tomorrow. Still enjoying the new job?

Yeah. Very much.

The first Christmas not there is an eye opener to how overly stressful that place is compared to other work places.

How's the shin and thigh today?

Still hurts but not as bad as yesterday. Can at least walk up and down stairs now, if rather slowly.

At your age, I'm unsure whether that's to do with the injury or not.

Also, are you now at the age where we say you "had a fall" rather than "fell over"?

Yes. I had a fall. That has already been made quite clear to me.

Haha! If a few people are saying it, then it must be true.

Louise was not very sympathetic, considering I did it while walking and texting you.

I'll return the present I bought you and get you a handrail for the bathtub for Christmas.

Can I have one of those winches that lower you into the bath?

Might just be easier to get a walk in bath.

But then the water will go everywhere.

They have these things where you walk in, the door seals and you sit on a chair and it fills up around you. Did you not watch daytime TV and ads when you were a student?

When I was a student, I was also working a full time job in the evenings so I didn't have much time to lounge around on my arse.

Maybe if you'd not overworked yourself to please business owners instead of taking care of yourself, you wouldn't be "having a fall" at your age.

My Top Twenty-One of 2021: #14

14. Jim Bob - Who Do We Hate Today?

While Billy Bragg might think he's too old to play the angry young man card anymore, nobody seems to have told Jim Bob he should relinquish that role. His latest record is as angry - and witty - as anything he recorded with Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine, and he's still got plenty to complain about in the world around him... perhaps more than ever.

Like a vicious stand-up routine set to record, this is frequently hilarious, but also makes you think. A few choice examples include...

Shona Is Dating A Drunk, Woman Hating Neanderthal Man

Her friends and her family too

Say, "Shona, he's no good for you

He's a beast that belongs in the zoo"

Shona is dating a vile, irritatingly self-righteous dude

Her friends don't come round any more when he's there now

Because he's so rude

As a couple they're practically perfectly matched

Because opposites attract...

Men

Men: the plural of an adult male person

As distinguished from a woman or a boy

Men: the providers, Men: the dividers

Men who destroy

Men make the rules so other men can break them

Men with their uniforms and guns

Men outside schools, when children are taken

Men, passing their ways onto their sons

#prayfortony

Tony doesn't suffer cunts

Tony hates Black History Month

Tony did Movember once

You lucky, lucky ladies

 

One day there will be a statue in his hometown

Tall enough to climb up on and pull down

So you can stamp his face into the cold ground

All that, plus the best song I've heard about Lockdown yet... it almost makes me miss those halcyon days when we were only allowed out for an hour's exercise a day. Almost.

Just a week, maybe two without cars

It was the first time I'd really seen stars

The streets were completely deserted

I pretended I was Cillian Murphy

2020 Contenders: Ralph & Jim Bob

I haven't listened to any new music lately, partly because I do most of that on my daily commute which isn't happening at the moment, and partly because I'm preferring the comfort of old faithfuls.

That said, a couple of new tunes dropped onto my radar this week and both of them reflect what's happening in the world at the moment. The first comes from... of all people... Ralph McTell...



I'm fully behind everything Ralph sings in that little ditty... although I'm going to confess something now, and you can judge me for it all you like.

I'm not partaking in the whole "Clap For Carers" performance, because frankly, it just doesn't sit right with me. Look, I supported the NHS by voting in the last election for a party that wanted to re-invest in our National Health Service... not sell it off. But do you know what? I'd say the majority of people who are stood out on their doorsteps banging their pots and pans on a Thursday evening actually voted Tory. No offence to all those of you who didn't and still want to show your support that way: that's your decision and I respect you for it. I know the regulars who read this blog are of a similar political inclination to myself, and you're good people who probably want to do anything you can right now. 

But I can't, in good conscience, join you in that.

Because if you did vote Tory (and the majority did, judging by the election result), and suddenly now there's a crisis, you're out there virtue-signalling your ra-ra-ras to the whole street and all your facebook friends every Thursday night... well, you're a hypocrite. And I refuse to join your little party, even if I end up being judged for it.

And to the government that's promoting and encouraging this collective show of public gratitude... you're worse than hypocrites. If you'd funded the NHS properly in the first place rather than cutting it to the bone, we wouldn't have to have retired army captains staggering round their gardens with a collecting tin right now. And if you'd listened to the experts a few months back and taken serious action about this pandemic when you should have done, a lot more people would still be alive right now... and many of those would be NHS employees.

While I'm on a rant, here's the new single from Jim Bob. It's only 29 seconds long, but it does the job...





If I have any readers left after this post, I'm hoping it's those of you who dig a blog that features Ralph McTell & Jim Bob in the same post. I'm almost certain you won't be a Tory though...

Hot 100 #24

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the excellent Fallover 24, with their superb tune, Pessimistic Man. What finer tune could there be to issue in another bumper edition of our countdown?

Bumper being the operative word, let's crack on with your suggestions and see if anyone guessed my "obvious" 24...


First out of the gates this week was Charity Chic, certain that he'd backed the odds on favourite...

I'll save everyone the bother this week as there can only be one winner.

Gene Pitney -24 Hours from Tulsa

I've made no secret of my love of this song in the past, so surely CC takes the prize?

Erm... no, sorry. Not this time. I love the way Gene nods his head when he sings "okay" in that video though.

Martin was then straight in with the obvious follow-up suggestion...

Carter USM - 24 Minutes From Tulse Hill

Followed by Lynchie, who reminded us of Gene's lesser-spotted 24...

Gene Pitney - 24 Sycamore

It may please you all to know that they were the first three on my list. Which isn't in any order other the order I think of them or find them on my hard drive.

Jim in Dubai also reminded us of the Yachts' cover of 24 Hours From Tulsa, which featured on this blog just a few weeks back.

Martin then returned to point out that there are "shed load of different songs called "24 Hours", so take your pick from (amongst others)..."

Tom Jones - 24 Hours

Look up "over-emoting" in the dictionary and there's a link to that video.

10cc - 24 Hours

(That one almost goes on for 24 Hours as well.)

Joy Division - 24 Hours

And Martin's favourite 24 Hour song (but not mine... there's a clue)...

The Sundays - 24 Hours

While we're at it, I also found these...

Shack - 24 Hours

Sky Ferreira - 24 Hours

Todd Snider - 24 Hours A Day

Barbara Pennington - 24 Hours A Day

Eddie Boyd - 24 Hours

Eddie Boyd - 24 Hours of Fear

Edwin Starr - 24 Hours (To Find My Baby)

Athlete - 24 Hours

The Handsome Family - 24 Hour Store

The Candyskins - 24 Hours (U.S.E.D.)

The Vibrators - 24 Hour People (steals its intro from Johnny B. Goode)

Jim in Dubai added another one...

The Chefs - 24 Hours

Jim also suggested the band at the top of the page, and Twenty 4 Seven - I Can't Stand It which brings back the true horror of the charts in my teenage years. Thanks for that, Jim. I haven't slept for a week.

Now, last week, those of you who were paying attention will have notice a new rule which was imposed upon this quiz as we get nearer #1. A new rule which will henceforth be known as "The Lime Green Rule"...

Oh, one final thing. Unless they're amazing suggestions, I'm going to stop allowing lyrical 24s (and so on) as we get nearer number one. Let's face it, there are way too many. So you'll have to be really persuasive if you want to sell me on a lyrical reference from now on. Sorry.

First to fall foul of this rule was Lynchie (who did later realise his mistake) when he suggested...

Smokie - Living Next Door To Alice

'Cause for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice

The thing is, I really like this song. However, it has been forever tarnished in my mind by the band re-recording it with Roy Chubby Brown as (Who The Fuck Is) Alice? Which is right up there in my mind with Lindisfarne's Fog On The Tyne featuring Gazza. I'm not linking to either of those debacles though, no matter how much it upsets George, who appears to be a fan.

George did redeem himself with his next idea though...

Does 2 4 6 8 Motorway count?

No, but it's still a belter.

Tom Robinson Band - 2468 Motorway

Someone else who ignored the Lime Green rule was Rigid Digit, but fortunately both his real suggestions have featured previously back in week #36, so go find them there. In desperation he adds...

...or, how anything by Status Quo - lifted from 12 Gold Bars Vol I and Vol II

(2 lots of 12 are 24 - is that the sound of a barrel being scraped?)

Definitely. However, just to keep you and Jez happy...

Status Quo - Caroline

Next up was Douglas, limiting his own suggestions this week...

Firstly, Lana Del Rey's song "24" is actually quite lovely in her fragile sad kind of way. I know there is a lot of feeling that she went off the rails after the stellar Born to Die album, with her quest for fame and newfound penchant for explicit lyrics, but this one is back to form, I think. Sounds a bit like she's auditioning for a Bond film end-credits theme.

Agreed. And it was on my list.

Lana Del Rey - 24

Then there is Pink Floyd, with "Chapter 24". I wonder what they were smoking when they came up with the lyrics for that one?

Pink Floyd - Chapter 24

That one wasn't. But at least it's from the Syd era.

And I know it breaks your No lyrics" rule but sure the "Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...I wanna be sedated" lyric is so iconic and so close to being in the title that an exception could be made...?

Just this once. Because the video is pretty cool.

The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated

But still nobody guessed my "obvious" choice. Oh wait, here's The Swede, certain he's cracked it...

I'm assuming that your really obvious one must be:

Prince Far-I - Psalm 24

It certainly sprung immediately to my mind.

I'll also offer:

Clem Snide - Tuesday, October 24th

And:

Jason Isbell - 24 Frames

The last one was in serious contention, Swede.

I was about to put this post to bed when curiosity got the better of Douglas...

Okay, I'm puzzled that the "obvious" has still gone unmentioned so I will venture a few more guesses...

Mary Chapin Carpenter - John Doe No. 24

That's lovely. And was on my list.

Kings of Convenience - 24-25

That wasn't, because sadly I only own one KoC album. So far.

Stevie Nicks - 24 Karat Gold

That was also on the list. But not the winner, as Douglas himself guessed.

I feel these are getting less and less "obvious", though some are decent enough songs. But what is left? I think we are all going on strike if it turns out to be the awful Bruno Mars song I came across in my digging that I won't even mention by name...

I had no idea of the track Douglas was referring to, so I had to go investigate.

Bruno Mars - 24K

And there we have the "obvious" winner!

Only joking.

Before we get to the reveal then, here's a few more spewed up from the depths of my archives...

Red House Painters - 24

Kozelek.

Mudhoney - 24

Julian Cope - 24a Velocity Crescent

Momus - A Complete History of Sexual Jealousy (Pt. 17-24)

Another contender. Didn't make it this week, but that's not to say it won't stand a chance in 7 weeks' time.

So, which song made me smile the most this week if it wasn't 24 Hours From Tulsa?

Here comes C... not with the answer, but its inspiration...

Happy Mondays feat. Karl Denver - 24 Hour Party People

All of which leads us back to Nigel Blackwell, who's having a bit of trouble down at the 24 Hour Garage. (Presumably this was soon after visiting Argos to record this: Half Man Half Biscuit - £24.99 from Argos.)

Take it away, Nige... start doing what you can to wind up that guy behind the counter!

I’ll have ten Kit Kats and a motoring atlas

Ten Kit Kats and a motoring atlas

And a blues CD on the Hallmark label

– that’s sure to be good

Far fewer 23s to choose from, but the Lime Green Rule still applies. Let's see what you can come up with...

Saturday Snapshots #107 - The Answers

Nobody puts Baby in the corner on a Sunday morning. Baby wants her answers! And here they are...

Did you have a Ghost of a chance of getting them all right?

Regardless, every track's a belter this week...



10. A wee vacuum riddle torments and teases.

Jimmy Riddle?

Jimmy The Hoover - Tantalise

9. Still a child at heart, secretly famous.

Forever young...

Neil Young - Unknown Legend

Still sends shivers down my spine, this track. Written about his former wife, Pegi, who sadly died earlier this year.

8. Melon twisting dancer gets an A for running over southern states.

Bez was the Melon Twisting dancer. Add an A and you get Baez.

Joan Baez - The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down

7. Save the earth in 2009? If not then, how about...

If not in 2009, how about...?

Ten Years After - I'd Love To Change The World

6. I refuse to accept a brother of York can go beyond sanity.

Thom Yorke's brother was in this band.

(Bonus clue - Hal Hartley made a film called The Unbelievable Truth, David Mitchell hosts a Radio 4 quiz show with the same name.)

Unbelievable Truth - Higher Than Reason

5. Town that died, but not long ago, meets French weirdo.

The Night Chicago Died. Take away ago.

A French weirdo would be Le Freak.

Chic - Le Freak

4. No charge for pierced organ ring.

(That's my favourite clue ever.)

No charge is free. Electricity also comes with a charge. Hammond make organs. A pierced organ is a Prince Albert. A ring is sometimes called a (wedding) band.

I thank you.

Albert Hammond - The Free Electric Band

3. Rubbing out, occasionally.

Erasure - Sometimes

2. Melted Pac Man puts gas in your tank.

If the arcade was on fire, Pac Man might melt.

Arcade Fire - Keep The Car Running

1. Michael Caine and James Brown hit the Martini, relentlessly.

Michael Caine was Carter. James Brown was a Sex Machine. Relentlessly is unstoppable.

Ride a Point Break back here again next Saturday morning for more of the same...