My Top Ten Ice Cream Songs

As the UK prepares for a heatwave, here's a few ice creams to cool you down if it gets too hot...

Oh, by the way, that new ice cream-themed Blur album I was talking about a few weeks back... Magic Whip... did it stand the test of time?

Not really. Actually, the more I listened to it, the more I found it rather annoying. Maybe my Blur days are behind me. I'd rather listen to Brad Paisley. (Here they are anyway, make up your own mind: Blur - Ice Cream Man).



10. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

OK, so I was a big Queen fan growing up... Hence, when this came out in 1990 - with its sampled bastardisation of Under Pressure - I considered it a crime against nature. I wasn't alone: many critics and proper hip hop stars took the piss out of Robert Van Winkle - especially when he initially claimed the sample wasn't a sample at all. Still, it was a Number One record all across the world (scandalously, the first hip hop song to make Number One on the Billboard chart in America) and I've developed a grudging appreciation for it over the years. I'm not claiming it's a good record, but like a lot of good pop music it reminds me of a specific moment in my life. I was 18... and I had no idea. Just like that infamous "lyrical poet" whose "style is like a chemical spill"...

Watch out though: this record will kill your brain like a poisonous mushroom.

9.  New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream

Tahita Rotardier Bulmer can give you what you want. I bet she wants to give her parents a slap for naming her that though.

8. Van Halen  - Ice Cream Man

I don't know why it is, but many of the ice cream songs in my collection appear to be thinly veiled metaphors for sexy-time stuff. Van Halen, of course, would never lower themselves to such dubious shenanigans...

Yeah, right. 

7. Glasvegas - Ice Cream Van

A rarity then: an ice cream song that's not about sexy-time stuff. It's not about ice cream either... instead, it's about how all politicians are scumbags. Or something. It is über-atmospheric though. 

6. Fight Like Apes -  Ice Cream Apple Fuck

Google says, "We do not have the lyrics for Ice Cream Apple Fuck yet."

And sadly, neither does the insert to the excellent CD 'The Body of Christ and the Legs of Tina Turner', from which this divine little ditty originates. From what I can make out, though, they're pretty mental. But then, you probably got that from the title.

5. Lloyd Cole - Ice Cream Girl

So - as is often the case - some girl is leading Lloyd a merry dance, leaving him feeling like a shady politician trying to sell a used car. We've all been there, Lloyd...

D'you want to crucify my feelings with your fingernails
And leave the loneliest boy in the western world
Cruising the streets for an ice cream girl?

4. Tom Waits - Ice Cream Man

If Tom Waits was your ice cream man... you'd have him arrested.

See me coming, you ain't got no change
Don't worry baby, it can be arranged:
Show me you can smile, baby just for me
Fix you with a drumstick, I'll do it for free

3. Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Ice Cream Man

But if I were a Richman... I'd have ice cream everyday.

2. John Cougar Mellencamp - Jack & Diane

Not the first time I've featured this song on this blog... and it won't be the last. It is one of the greatest pop songs of the 80s in my humble opinion. But what's it got to do with ice cream...?

Suckin' on chilli dog outside the Tastee Freez
Diane sitting on Jacky's lap
Got his hands between her knees
Jack - he says:
"Hey, Diane, let's run off behind a shady tree
Dribble off those Bobby Brooks
Let me do what I please."

Tastee Freeez is a famous chain of American ice cream shops. Bobby Brooks were a brand of women's clothing. Work out the rest yourself.

1. Little Richard - Tutti Frutti

One of a handful of pioneering records that gave birth to rock 'n' roll, Tutti Frutti also boasts one of the greatest opening lines since "Now is the winter of our discontent" (or "Discount Tents", if you work in advertising).

"A-wop-bom-a-loo-mop-a-lomp-bom-bom!"

(N.b. If you think Little Richard sings "A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam-boom!" - as I once did - listen more closely. That was Elvis's version.)

But... is it really a song about ice cream? Not according to Charles Connor, Richard Penniman's drummer in the early 50s, who reveals here the song's original lyrics. You'll never eat Tutti Frutti again...




So - which is your 99... and which is your... erm... knickerbocker glory?

My Top Ten Martial Arts Songs

A man may listen to many records, grasshopper. But only these songs will karate chop his soul.


10. Shitdisco - I Know Kung Fu

Of course, you're always going to get extra marks for calling your band Shitdisco...

9. Zoey Van Goey - You Told The Drunks I Knew Karate

...probably more marks than you get for calling your band Zoey Van Goey. Still, that's not to say you can't earn those marks back by writing cracking songs. Great video too.

I do the dumbest things for you
Why do I do the dumbest things for you?
I almost broke my collar bone
I didn't care; you were the most exciting thing I'd every known.

8. Tenacious D - Karate

Well, it made me laugh. Could also have made it into my Top Ten MF Songs.

7. Fight Like Apes - Do You Karate?

No one uses profanity in their lyrics better than FLA. Well, apart from John Grant. Take THAT!

6. Soulwax - Overweight Karate Kid

Soulwax were a great band who decided they preferred being DJs. Shame.

Like an overweight Karate Kid 

You could moonwalk over my heart

5. Curtis Mayfield - Kung Fu

Johnny Cash's dad named him Sue. Curtis's mum called him Kung Fu.

4. Brad Paisley - Karate

Why did nobody tell me Brad Paisley had a new record out? Do I always have to find these things out myself?

Wheelhouse could be his best album yet...

3. Ash - Kung Fu

This record is 2 minutes 10 seconds long (plus 7 seconds of karate kicks at the beginning). Which is a hell of a lot shorter than the songs in my last post.Yet it's better than all of them (with the possible exception of the Gershwin).

Ah, 1996... how I miss you.

2. John Grant - Black Belt

It may only be June, but I'll be hella-surprised if Pale Green Ghosts isn't my Best Album of 2013 come December. The bar has been set pretty high by John Grant, can anyone top it? 

What you got is a black belt in B-S
But you can't hawk your pretty wares up in here anymore
Hit your head on the playground at recess
Etch-a-sketch your way out of this one, reject

1. Carl Douglas - Kung Fu Fighting

Had to be, didn't it? For a novelty record, this still sounds fresh. Or perhaps I've just been hit in the head a few times too many. And if this isn't cool enough for you, check out Robyn Hitchcock's cover...





Hiiiiii-ya! Which one makes you want to walk the earth like Caine?

My Top Ten Egg Songs

Happy Easter - have an egg or ten on me.

Special mention to The Eggs, The Lovely Eggs and... Paul McCartney's Scrambled Eggs.



10. Adam & The Ants -  Never Trust A Man (With Egg On His Face)

That's what the voices from outer space tell me...

9. Beastie Boys - Egg Raid On Mojo

Before they discovered / invented / purloined rap, it seems the Beasties were punks at heart.

See also Egg Man, which sounds more like the Beasties you'd expect. 

8. The Flaming Lips - They Punctured My Yolk

A love story about two trainee astronauts torn apart when only one of them gets to go into space.

Or something.

7. The Seahorses - Happiness Is Egg-Shaped

From a great lost Britpop album that you could probably pick up for tuppence on Amazon if you went looking.

6. Tarnation - Little Black Egg

A lot more jangly than I remember.

Then I discovered... it's actually a cover of an old 60s hit by a Florida garage band called The Nightcrawlers. 

Not bad... but I still prefer the Tarnation version.

5. The Human League - Being Boiled

One of the earliest entirely electronic records... get boiled alive by those synths. No idea what the lyrics are about though. 

4. Fight Like Apes - Poached Eggs

If I'm understanding the metaphors correctly, this song is filthy...

3. Tom Waits - Eggs And Sausage (In A Cadillac With Susan Michelson)

Already featured in my Top Ten Breakfast Songs, but far too good to leave out of this list.

2. Giant Sand - Temptation of Egg

The shape of a woman... temptation of egg

If you've never heard this before, please give it a spin. It's both exceedingly cool and slightly scary.

I wake up with something in my eye.
I pull out one of your lashes
I like the way you stuck in my eye.
I like the way my eye stashes.

1. Mansun - Egg Shaped Fred

Mansun go all 'Coo-Coo-Cachoo' on us, inviting Egg Shaped Fred for tea.

Those were days...




Which one's your Easter Egg?

My Top Ten Action Movie Songs

OK, here's the deal - none of these songs were featured in the movie in question and no theme tunes are allowed. They all just share their name with an action movie... or occasionally were written about one, after the fact.


10. The Eagles - Desperado

Probably the least appropriate song on this list, about as far from the Antonio Banderas ass-kicker in spirit as you can get. Still, if you dig the Eagles (unlike The Dude) it's a great song.

9. Public Enemy - Terminator X To The Edge Of Panic

Public Enemy: Scarier Than Arnie Ever Could Be.

8. The Alarm - The Rock

When your opening line goes like this...

I'm a man who bites hard on the bullet of silence

...who needs Nicolas Cage or Sean Connery?

See also The Rock by the mighty, mighty Harry Chapin.

7. The Ramones - Commando

First rule is: The laws of Germany
Second rule is: Be nice to your mommy
Third rule is: Don't talk to commies
Fourth rule is: Eat kosher salamis

How can anyone not love the Ramones?

6. The Sound - Total Recall

Lost 80s classic. Don't worry if you can't remember it - there's probably a hole in your memory.

5. Ben Folds - Rocky

 Ben's Rocky was a runner, not a boxer... a lover, not a fighter, to quote Michael.

4. Julian Cope - Mad Max

From the appropriately named Autogeddon. Julian doesn't need to hold a gun up to your head.

3. The Gorillaz - Dirty Harry

From the band who also brought you Clint Eastwood. Damon must be a fan.

2. Guyz Nite - Die Hard

A tribute to the greatest action movie ever... yippe-ki-yay!

Remember when we first met John McClane?
Argyle picked him up from the plane,
And took him down to Nakatomi Tower...
To meet with Holly.

He came to get her back and to be her man,
But Hans and his buddies fucked up the plan,
And that's about when everything went sour
At the Christmas party.

And the terrorists were over-zealous,
But it was sweet when they killed Ellis!
And, with a little help from Allen,
John McClane kicked ass!

This version has a verse for each of the first four Die Hard movies... I'm waiting patiently for the one with a new fifth verse.

1. Fight Like Apes - (Waking Up With) Robocop

Fight Like Apes are the best "new" band I've discovered in the last 12 months. "New" to me, at least, though they're already two albums in. They're one of those rare bands with crazy song titles... where the songs actually live up to (and in most cases are better than) the titles. Pay attention, Sufjan Stevens! This one, from their most recent album, 'The Body of Christ & The Legs of Tina Turner' is a great male-female argument song.

I remember when you criticised me
About picking The Face over Mr. T
But I remember when you took off
All of your clothes...

If waking up beside me
Feels so bleeding bad
Then waking up with Robocop
Is a lesson to be had

Hear more Fight Like Apes here.



Those were my action movie favourites... which is your Nakatomi Plaza?

My Top Ten Jennifer Songs

They're Ten A'Jenny...

Get it? Ten A'...

There's no pleasing you people. 

10. Everly Brothers - Poor Jenny

I don't always think of the Everly Brothers as being among the wittiest of lyricists... but this one's a good old fashioned hoot.

9. Belle & Sebastian - Photo Jenny

Only Stuart Murdoch could get away with singing...

It's getting cold, I'll catch the bus
I'll see my friend when she's finished working
Get some fish and chips
Lalalala, what's on the box?
'Man about the house' with Paula Wilcox

OK, Stuart, but what about Richard O'Sullivan?

8. Strangelove - Jennifer's Song

Patrick Duff at his most romantic. Aww.

7. Donovan - Jennifer Juniper

Also featured in my Top Ten Jupiter and Saturn songs. Because I was lazy.

Jennifer Juniper, sitting very still.
Is she sleeping ? I don't think so.
Is she breathing ? Yes, very low.

Hold a mirror under her nose, Donovan. Just to be on the safe side.

6. Fight Like Apes - Jenny Kelly

Excellent song from the Irish alt-rockers who indulge in a spot of cheese rolling in the video.You won't catch Bono doing that.

You're famous for your awkward smile
Your purple hair
Your wayward smile

5. The Killers - Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine

There was genuine excitement to early Killers songs that's gone awol since they became stadium-filling superstars. This is one of those rare early tracks where you can hear the Johnny Marr influence as much as the Springsteen.

4. The Hollies - Jennifer Eccles

A classic 60s Brit-hit... though I have to admit, I prefer the heartbreaking cover version by Eels.

3. Flight of the Conchords - Jenny

Saw them do this live, though sadly I don't think they've ever released it. It never fails to bring a smile to my face. If you've ever bumped into someone who recognises you but you can't remember them at all... watch the link above.

2. Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - Jennifer She Said

If not for my rather unorthodox selection below, in any other reality, this would have been Number One. It's written there in blue, with a heart and an arrow through.

1. Stephen Malkmus - Jenny & The Ess-Dog

Probably a surprising choice, but this is my all-time favourite Stephen Malkmus song, including everything he did with Pavement. The lyrics are just so good: like an award-winning short story. The details make it.

They kiss when they listen
To "Brothers In Arms"
And if there's something wrong with this
They don't see the harm
In joining their forces and singing along

Those were my spinning Jennies. Which one is your Eccles cake?

My Top Ten Star Wars Songs

With the news that George Lucas has sold Star Wars to Disney, there's a whole new trilogy to look forward (?) to in a few years time... we can but hope they'll be better than the last three.

Still, here's 10 songs you might hear covered by the Cantina band... but be warned, most of these are pretty damned obscure.


10. Ringo Deathstarr - Kaleidoscope

Points for the band name at least. It was this or Hoth-house flowers...

9. Weird Al Yankovic - Yoda

Weird Al parodies The Kinks. Mildly amusing the first time you hear it.

8. Frigid Vinegar - Dogmonaut 2000 (Is There Anyone Out There?)

Obscure 90s indie that samples the trumpets from It's Not Unusual and begins thus...

I knew this kid named Freddie Skywalker, 
A YTS Jedi with his own flying saucer...

7. Fight Like Apes - Lightsabre Cock Sucking Blues

Not advisable under any circumstances.

6. Blink 182 - A New Hope

And of course I'd do anything for her
I'd search the moons of Endor
I'd even walk naked through
The deserts of Tatooine

Princess Leia, where are you tonight?
And who's laying there by your side?

5. Ash - Lose Control

The opening track on their debut release begins with the sound effect of a Tie Fighter. The album is called 1977... the year Star Wars was released and Ash were born.

4. The Real Thing - Can You Feel The Force?

Good old disco: never shy to jump on a bandwagon. The Real Thing had three great singles. This was the third, and least. But I'll let them have a pass because the other two were stone cold classics.

3. The Supernaturals - Star Wars

Sadly unavailable anywhere online, this obscure Supernaturals b-side (from their excellent single I Wasn't Built To Get Up) tells of a young man forced to choose between Star Wars and his girlfriend. Turns out it's no competition...

2. Neon Neon - I Told Her On Alderaan

AKA Gruff Rhys of the Super Furry Animals plus some bloke called Boom Bip. Obviously he let R2D2 choose that name for him.

1. Bellatrix - Jedi Wannabe

Bellatrix is a star in the Orion constellation. They were also a turn-of-the-millennium Icelandic indie band... and this was their finest 3 minutes.




Sometimes I set myself these Top Tens as a challenge. Could you do any better?