Self-Help For Cynics #11: Why I Hate New Order

I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me how do I feel?
Tell me now, how do I feel?

I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today

New Order - Blue Monday

When I was 16, I was in love with a girl called Maddie who didn’t know I existed. 

No, wait a second, there are certain parts of that sentence I need to qualify...

1. Was I in love? Do we truly know what love is at 16 years of age? Does our brain ever truly know what love is?

Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is

Love is an emotion we primarily link to our hearts, perhaps because our heart beats faster when we see the person we love. Except it’s only doing that because that’s what our brain told it to do.

The Neat - Hormones In Action (In My Heart)

Here’s Professor Timothy Loving from the University of Texas. Yes, that is his real name. Yes, that’s the primary reason I’m quoting him.

Part of the whole attraction process is strongly linked to physiological arousal as a whole. Typically, that's going to start with things like increased heart rate, sweatiness and so on.

Spiritualized - I Think I'm in Love

What else does the brain get up to when it thinks it’s in love?

Healthline tells us...

Simply thinking about the object of your affections is enough to trigger dopamine release, making you feel excited and eager to do whatever it takes to see them.

Then, when you actually do see them, your brain “rewards” you with more dopamine, which you experience as intense pleasure.

I could go on, but putting aside adolescent hormones and teenage notions such “being in love with love”, or as Donny put it…

Donny Osmond - Puppy Love 

…I think it’s fair to say I was getting a fair few dopamine hits whenever I saw this girl, spent time with her, or thought about her. Doesn’t sound quite so romantic, that, does it?

She Drew The Gun - Dopamine 

2. Was she actually called Maddie? Well, her name was Madeline, and that was how she referred to herself. I never heard anyone else call her Maddie, but I did on occasion. Did I do this as a sign of affection? Clearly. Was it actually what she wanted? I’m not sure.

The reason I called her Maddie (and possibly one of the reasons I was so “in love” with her) is because I was obsessed with the TV show Moonlighting at the time, and its main characters were David (Bruce Willis) Addison and Maddie (Cybill Shepherd) Hayes. I didn’t particularly fancy Cybill Shepherd, and “my” Maddie looked nothing like her, but David and Maddie had a whole “will they / won’t they” thing going on, and in my head I was confusing fantasy with reality, as teenagers are wont to do. The other thing that happened in Moonlighting was that David Addison occasionally broke the fourth wall, and seemed at times to be aware that he was a character in a TV show. This notion appealed to me greatly, and together with my mate Richard, we regularly talked about our own lives as though they were episodes of a TV show. Actually, this was an idea I’d been working on throughout my childhood – in my head, I had my own TV station (one that switched over to being just a radio station when I went to bed… it was complicated). This might seem like irrelevant information, but you’ll need to know it later. There will be a quiz.

Bruce Willis - Good Lovin'

3. Clearly Maddie did know I existed since we had regular conversations, mostly on the long bus journey home where we would often sit together – well, not together on the same seat, but usually on adjacent seats. And when we got off the bus, those conversations would often continue while I walked her home – well, we were going in the same direction, and I carried on up the hill after she’d crossed the road to go into her own house. Were both of these situations led by me? I mean, did she ever choose to sit by me or was she always on the bus when I got on with empty seats in her vicinity? Was I merely preferable to some of the other losers and malcontents on that bus? Did she secretly want to walk up that hill on her own but she was just being polite when I tagged along?

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - My Eyes Adored You

Looking back, I might think that. I certainly manufactured situations in which we could bump into each other or be in the same place together, but that’s what you do at that age, isn’t it? The whole thing’s a minefield, and I’m glad I don’t have to deal with it any more. In my defence, I will offer the rainy lunchtimes we spent together in the music block, practicing our instruments. (Not a euphemism.) She played piano better than me, and some other kind of wind instrument (clarinet?) while I had my tenor horn and we would, on occasion, hang out in one of the practice rooms, mucking about with music, but mostly just chatting and having a laugh.

(I should perhaps at this point reveal that, about a year or so later, my friend Simon got so sick of me going on about Maddie that he went to ask her if she’d like to go out with me. Because clearly I was never going to do such a thing myself. I was great at dropping hints, but no way was I going to approach her directly. So anyway, Simon asked her out for me… and what ensued? Only one of those awful, embarrassing (for everyone) sitcom scenarios in which Maddie actually thought that Simon was asking her out for himself (rather than me), excitedly accepting, only to then… well, you can guess the rest.)

The Brilliant Corners - Why Do You Have to Go Out With Him When You Could Go Out With Me?

OK, I know what you’re thinking. HOW THE HELL DOES ALL THIS EXPLAIN WHY YOU HATE NEW ORDER!?!

Apologies for the whole Ronnie Corbett bit. I’m getting there.

You just can't believe me
When I show you what you mean to me
You just can't believe me
When I show you what you cannot see

New Order - Confusion

In my previous Self-Help For Cynics Post, I wrote about the Storytelling Brain. How the brain uses stories to create neural pathways which teach us how to deal with things that happen to us in our lives. This appears to be a wonderful thing… until it goes wrong. And when it does go wrong, those same neural pathways end up reinforcing negative opinions, beliefs or ideas based on responses to negative experiences. Dr. Faith explains, in her own inimitable style…

But clearly the storytelling brain has the capacity to be a serious fucking problem too. We start telling ourselves (and believing) certain stories about ourselves and the world around us. Our brains are wired to crave certainty. We WANT to see patterns in what happens to us so we can make better decisions about the world and how we are supposed to keep ourselves safe in it.

The emotional brain makes a decision for us and the thinking brain has to scramble to come up with a reason why.

Which brings me back to the will-they / won’t-they romance in my 16 year old brain.

The Donnas - Do You Wanna Go out with Me?

It was the end of term. Or, in the TV station of my head, it was the last episode of the series. Everything was building up to a climax, because that’s what happens at the end of a series. On our final journey home together before the holidays, I got up the courage to clumsily drop the biggest hint so far to Maddie that I was interested in being a little more than friends. The ironic thing is, I have very little memory of what I actually said, I only recall that it went as well as it could have done (no outright rejection, anyway… then again, clearly she didn’t swoon into my arms either) and that I was left with a distinct feeling that when I saw her again… maybe… we’d be ready to move up to the next level. Like, I dunno, actually sitting together on the same seat or something.

AC/DC - Can I Sit Next to You, Girl?

As a result, I walked home that night in a state of euphoria. Which is all in the brain, again! Healthline explains…

That giddy, euphoric excitement you feel when spending time with the person you love (or seeing them across the room, or hearing their name)? You can trace this entirely normal effect of falling in love back to the neurotransmitter dopamine.

Glasvegas - Euphoria, Take My Hand

Ah, that pesky dopamine again. I’m surprised it took me so long to get to that little critter. Harvard Health goes into more detail…

Dopamine is most notably involved in helping us feel pleasure as part of the brain’s reward system. Sex, shopping, smelling cookies baking in the oven — all these things can trigger dopamine release, or a "dopamine rush." 

This feel-good neurotransmitter is also involved in reinforcement. That’s why, once we try one of those cookies, we might come back for another one (or two, or three).

Hopped up on dopamine following my seemingly successful hint drop, I was keen to share this with my friend Richard, who understood the language of 4^th wall breaking imaginary TV shows better than any of my other contemporaries.

Heart - Strange Euphoria 

A little bit about Richard, before I go on. We’d been mates for about three or four years by this point, and along with my other mate Simon, who I’d known since junior school, we’d formed a pretty tight little group. Best friends? I’m not sure I’ve ever had a best friend, but the three of us were as close as we could be without ever using that terminology. Although Simon and I had the longer friendship, and many shared interests, Rich and I had bonded over a love of music. That began with Queen (particularly A Kind Of Magic, which was out around then) and classic Motown. Although lately, his tastes had been changing. He’d become obsessed with the Smiths (who, at the time, I hated) and the Pet Shop Boys, a band I liked (bought quite a few of their singles) but clearly didn’t connect with on the same level that he did. I liked Neil Tennant’s arch lyrics, while Rich liked the beats. It was the mid-late 80s, and although I didn’t realise it at the time, I was losing him to dance music.

I don't like country-and-western
I don't like rock music
I don't like, I don't like rockabilly or rock 'n' roll particularly
Don't like much really, do I?
But what I do like I love passionately

Pet Shop Boys - Paninaro

On that fateful evening then, I gave him a call to update him on the end-of-season cliff-hanger involving Maddie… but when he answered the phone, something was off. There was music playing in the background, and Rich seemed distracted. As I poured my euphoric heart out, it quickly became apparent that Rich was only half listening to me, that someone else was there, and that they were taking up more of his attention. And after a few minutes I realised that whoever it was, was laughing at me. Laughing at the private conversation I was having with my friend, at my pathetic attempts at romance, and that Rich was laughing too.

You call me on the phone, you left me all alone
All I get from you is shellshock
Another day goes by and all I do is cry
All I get from you is shellshock

New Order - Shellshock

I stopped and asked Rich what was going on. Who was there with him? And that’s when he told me.

It was Swanny.

All you need to know about Swanny is that he lived a few doors down from Rich and that he was a complete and utter arsehole. A couple of years prior, he’d indulged (along with a few other kids) in some minor league bullying, of which I was one of his semi-regular marks. And as far as I was concerned, the scars were still fresh.

“What are you doing?” I asked Rich, meaning, “Why are you laughing at me? Why aren’t you being the friend and confidant I’ve come to expect and rely on? Why are you pissing all over my euphoria… with fucking Swanny!?!”

“Nothing,” said Rich. “We’re just listening to the new New Order record.”

I hung up the phone and didn’t speak to Rich again for the next nine months. Eventually Simon managed to get us talking again, and we made up… in a way. But it was never the same.

When I was a very small boy
Very small boys talked to me
Now that we've grown up together
They're afraid of what they see

New Order - True Faith

Thirty-five years later, I still can’t listen to New Order. This is something which sets me at odds with large sections of the music blogging community who worship the ground Bernard and Peter (and whatever the rest of them are called) make beats on. And it’s all down to my story-telling brain, which has inextricably linked the anger, embarrassment and shame I felt that evening in 1988 to New Order’s Technique. Neural pathways have been created which mean that whenever I hear New Order on the radio, or see another post pop up about them on one of my favourite blogs, I’m taken back to that night and all those unpleasant feelings.

"Unpleasant feelings" though... as adolescent trauma goes, I will admit that this is pretty mild. However, the same principle applies to much deeper wounds, in theory.  

Since I was born I started to decay
Now nothing ever, ever goes my way

Placebo - Teenage Angst

Dr. Faith would no doubt tell me that this can be fixed. That if I started listening to more New Order, thereby allowing my brain to create new neural pathways which could over-ride the old ones, that would eventually lead to positive associations and responses, and my opinion of the band might change. It is possible to re-wire your brain in this way… after all, as I mentioned earlier, I used to hate The Smiths, and then in my 20s, various things happened which allowed me to hear them in a new light. If I put enough energy and effort into it then, perhaps I could make myself like New Order. 

Are there any bands you hate because your brain has linked their music to painful memories?

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

Post script...

A weird thing happened while compiling this post. I actually sat and listened to the New Order songs above, and I didn't hate them as much as I thought I did. 

Now you can call this wishful thinking or a self-fulfilling prophecy, or me just trying to make a point. Wanting to believe in something, then making it so. Theodor Herzl: "If you will it, it is no dream." Surely it can't be as easy as that...?

The cynical jury remains out...

Saturday Snapshots #176: A Top Ten Knife Songs

A Top Ten Knife Songs, you say? Why, I wouldn't harm a fly...

10. My saraband is all tangled up.

"My saraband" untangled is...

Bryan Adams - Cuts Like A Knife

9. Single American bell feels wrath over Star Trek.

A single bell might go Ding... if it was American, you can add US to that.

The Star Trek crew felt the Wrath of Khan.

Dingus Khan - Knifey Spoon

8. Aah, Roddie, you're so confused.

"Aah, Roddie", less confused, is...

Radiohead - Knives Out

7. Forbidden fruit for green princess.

The green princess is Fiona...

...the forbidden fruit was an apple.

Fiona Apple - Hot Knife

6. I swing both ways.

I'm AC/DC, baby!

AC/DC - Night of the Long Knives

5. Country George in a bad way.

Country George would be George Strait... in a dire situation.

Dire Straits - Six Blade Knife

4. Are these your paintings, Constable?

John Constable painted The Haywain...

The Haywains - Let's Twist! (The Knife In My Heart)

3. Without his cape, he's just an ordinary...

Clark, without his cape, is just an ordinary guy...

Guy Clark - The Randall Knife

2. Gentlemen prefer Tall Sally.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes... like Long Tall Sally.

The Long Blondes - A Knife For The Girls

1. See Jamaica, the moon above... it's a bit of a stretch.

"See Jamaica, the moon above," is a lyric from Louie Louie by The Kingsmen (not that it's particularly easy to decipher those lyrics).

Stretch Armstrong?

(OK, I know we should say Lou-iss Armstrong, not Lou-iee... but old habits die hard.)

Don't go Psycho on me. Saturday Snapshots will be back next week...

Saturday Snapshots #91 - The Answers

There are those who believe that Saturday Snapshots was Made In Heaven and that I Was Born To Love You. Others prefer to think of me as Mr. Bad Guy for turning your Saturday mornings into a head-scratching hell. One way or another, I'm a Great Pretender.

Went to see The Book Of Mormon yesterday so no time for extended commentary today (i.e last night), but congratulations to all of you for some excellent deductive guesswork (particular on songs / artists you'd never heard of) and well done to Charity Chic for the win. 

Here come the answers: Let's Turn It On!


10. Munster lost in Frank Herbert novel hopes to make your acquaintance shortly.

Herman Munster.

Frank Herbert wrote Dune.

Herman Dune - I Wish That I Could See You Soon

Great fun that. If you've never heard it before, give it a spin.

9. English folk-dancer and former Take Thatter both voted Remain. It's in the stars!

Morris dancers.

Robbie Williams.

The Zodiac is in the stars.

Remain = Stay.

Maurice Williams & The Zodiacs - Stay

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

8. A small number of brunettes & redheads quote Marvin Gaye... but not in the title!

Marvin Gaye sang What's Going On? That's the chorus of this tune... but not the title, strangely. Apparently they didn't want to confuse people. I'm confused.

4 Non-Blondes - What's Up?

7. Opposing currents ascend slowly.

Alternating Current opposes Direct Current.

AC/DC - It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Want To Rock & Roll)

Tough to find a photo of AC/DC without Angus wearing his giveaway school uniform.

6. Penalty for juvenile maneaters: get Cash back!

Young cannibals should be fined.

Fine Young Cannibals - Johnny, Come Home

What is wrong 

In my life

That I must get drunk

Every night?

Reminds me of my twenties.

5. Tilting at your braincells, a festive George.

Tilting at windmills, like Don Quixote.

Noel Harrison - Windmills Of Your Mind

4. Hi ho Silver meets a devout nun in the dark.

"Hi ho, Silver!" is what the Lone Ranger shouted.

In the dark, he might be The Night Ranger.

Night Ranger - Sister Christian

Video of the week.

3. Mixed-up loser Liz makes it to Number One.

Loser Liz mixed up (as an anagram) = Rezillos.

The Rezillos - Top of the Pops

2. Greased heartthrob meets Clint's lucky alpha male. 

Kenickie was a heart-throb in Grease.

Clint asked, "You feeling lucky, punk?" Add alpha to that and you get...

Kenickie - Punka

1. Kinks first roofers mixed up about landing tomorrow a.m.

Two anagrams in the same week? Sorry. You try coming up with a clue for Kris Kristofferson!

Pre-beard pic might have delayed the recognition for ten seconds or so.

There Must Be More To Life Than This... but Snapshots will be back again next Saturday anyway.

Hot 100 #42

No prizes for guessing that week 42 of our countdown would be illustrated by Level 42, though Walter did suggest Love Games as a less obvious song choice than Running With The Family or Lessons in Love.

Level 42 took their name from Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy in which an enormous supercomputer called Deep Thought took 7.5 million years to work out "the meaning of life, the universe and everything". The answer it came up with was 42.

The songs my own giant super-computer (i.e. you guys) came up with for the number 42 were as follows...

C kicked us off with a certain lady whose measurements were 42-39-56 (I never understood lady's measurements, but very little imagination is needed here)...

AC\DC - Whole Lotta Rosie

Next up was Lynchie, with a couple of suggestions I'd earmarked as potentials this week...

The Rolling Stones - Undercover of the Night  

Hear the screams from Centre 42

Loud enough to bust your brains out...

Johnny Cash - I Will Rock and Roll With You

A new sun risin' on the way we sing

And a world of weirdo's waitin' in the wings

But I love you and though I'm past 42

There are still a few things yet I didn't do

And baby I will rock and roll with you

(If I have to...)

That reminded me of another song about the age 42...

Stephen Duffy - Oh God

And at the time I was a young, young boy

Barely 42

I didn't know only love could break your heart

I didn't know what love could do

Now before we get onto the main theme of today's post, here's a few other random 42 songs my own library chucked up...

Gil Scott Heron & Brian Jackson - The Summer of '42

Sonny Carntyne - 42(A)

Coldplay - 42 (shh!)

Jens Lekman - Friday Night At The Drive-In Bingo

So this is what they do out here for fun?

They play bingo and let their engines run?

Tonight's jackpot is a pig, hey that's criminal!

G-42! Ooh, I'm going diagonal!

It was Alyson, however, who raised the issue of 42nd Street, so certain I wouldn't be making a stop there this week. As she says...

Of course I know it's not going to be your pick, but the song 42nd Street has been around for nearly ninety years and was written by Harry Warren, who has been mentioned often over at my place as he certainly was prolific, and wrote many of the songs covered by other artists over the decades (I Only Have Eyes For You a favourite of mine). Also the Ruby Keeler story is one that never goes away, it just gets updated for a new generation.

Although Alyson is correct that the original 42nd Street song won't be this week's selection, I did find a number of other songs that stopped off on that particular thoroughfare, including...

Johnny Cougar - Taxi Dancer

Well, I don't know how long or how far her fortune did take her

But I heard she sits alone, drunk in a bar down on 42nd Street

And sometimes an old butch will slip a quarter into the jukebox

And she'll stagger to the bar and dance with that girl for free

(That's very early in his career, before he added the Mellencamp and eventually dropped the Cougar altogether.)

Todd Rundgren - Heavy Metal Kids

It's like a normal Times Square day on 42nd Street

I feel like trashing some windows and crunching some feet

I watch society crumble and I just laugh

They soon will see what it's like to be the other half

Bob Dylan - Talkin WWIII Blues (missed you this week, Swede... I love Talkin' Blues songs)

Well, I seen a Cadillac window uptown

And there was nobody aroun'

I got into the driver's seat

And I drove down 42nd Street

In my Cadillac

Good car to drive after a war

Janis Ian - 42nd Street Psycho Blues

But it was Rigid Digit who came up with the strongest 42nd Street contenders. First this...

Don McLean - Sister Fatima

The spirit of Fatima still rules the Earth

She knows your future, she knows what it's worth

Sister Fatima has God given powers

And on 42nd Street a shop that sells flowers

Is her palace come and be healed

And then this week's undisputed winner, a long-time favourite of mine. Why is it the winner? Because you don't mess around with Jim...

Uptown got it's hustlers

The bowery got it's bums

42nd street got big Jim walker

He's a pool shootin' son of a gun

Yeah, he big and dumb as a man can come

But he stronger than a country hoss

And when the bad folks all get together at night

You know they all call big Jim "boss"

41 next week... More slim pickings? Over to you guys...

Hot 100 #56

Welcoming us to the final edition of the Hot 100 countdown for 2018 are "American Celtic punk band" Flatfoot 56.

I'll start the ball rolling with this...

Chet Baker - Baker '56

...something I'd expected to see suggested by The Swede... perhaps it just wasn't jazz enough for him...

...but it did the job for me.

As for the second suggestion I expected from The Swede... well, it turns out Martin beat him to that.

Bob Dylan - Meet Me In The Morning

Meet me in the morning, 56th and Wabasha.

Sharp-eyed readers may have spotted that I prophesied that one last week.

Martin also offered this...

Prince - Lolita

Dom Perignon and caviar, the finest clothes, and fancy cars.

Oh you know, one of them '56 pink caddies, baby!

And knowing Prince, those are probably the cleanest lyrics in that song.

So with all that out of the way, what did The Swede come up with this week (beyond seconding Martin's Dylan suggestion)? Well, he came damned close... I think we'll call this our runner up.

The Wedding Present - 56

If only David Gedge had realised, way back in the 80s when he was naming his band, the confusion that would be caused by google searching "Wedding Present 56". Took me ages to find a video, but I do now know what to buy someone for their 56th Wedding Anniversary. (Well, actually, I don't, as there isn't an official gift for 56 years together. I'd suggest a holiday. Or perhaps two separate holidays, in entirely different places.)

Lynchie was next up, thinking he was onto a winner with the following...

The Clovers - Love Potion No. 9

I told her that I was a flop with chicks
I've been this way since 1956
She looked at my palm and she made a magic sign
She said "What you need is love potion number nine

I've got to say you can't really argue with Love Potion No. 9, it is a bona fide classic. My selection is more personal though... but feel free to try that one again in about a year's time, Lynchie.

Finally, Rigid Digit had two great thoughts this week. First this...

Paula Cole - Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?

Oh, you get me ready in your '56 Chevy
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?

And then, even better, this...

AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie

Wanna tell you story
About woman I know
When it comes to lovin'
She steals the show
She ain't exactly pretty
Ain't exactly small
42 39 56
You could say she's got it all...

They don't write them like that anymore, do they?

But this week's winner... as suggested by Martin... comes from one of my favourite bands of the 80s - perhaps the ultimate feelgood rock 'n' pop act. I've written many times before of my great love for Huey Lewis & The News... and for this song in particular. (Actually, I think I was trying to be too cool and down with da musos when I wrote that post. Huey should have been #1. Sorry, Charlies.)

I can still see him standing there
Just like yesterday
Leaning on his '56
Giving his secrets away
Is it any wonder
I feel a little lonely
He's not just the only one
He's the one and only

Due to year-end shenanigans, the Hot #100 will return in January. Feel free to make your suggestions for #55 now in anticipation of its glorious return...

My Top Ten Songs With Balls

My good friend Rob Wells has just had his first graphic novel published by Little Brown. It tells the uncomfortably hilarious story of his longtime fight with a variety of embarrassing ailments, and his struggle to find a member of the medical profession who would a) take him seriously and b) sort them out. It's a hugely entertaining read for anyone who's ever had an embarrassing illness and anyone who's ever tried in vain to find a sympathetic doctor. Or anyone who enjoys a witty tale about men's bits malfunctioning... and let's face it, who doesn't want to read that? (Squirm.) I'm really excited and pleased for Rob, having watched the project develop over a couple of years, seeing it accepted by a publisher, and finally getting my hands on a printed copy.

Here's the link to the book on Amazon. Other retailers will, I'm sure, be stocking it too.

In tribute, here are ten songs with balls...

10. Isaac Hayes (Chef) - Chocolate Salty Balls

Erm...

You had to be there.

9. W.A.S.P. - Dirty Balls

I'll play this one especially for Rob, since I know he's quite the metalhead. I, of course, couldn't ever approve of such things.

(I'm lying: this is in my record collection.)

8. Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys - Big Balls In Cowtown

Take your partner by the hand...

I said HAND! Jeez...

7. The Broken Family Band - The Booze & The Drugs

From the album Balls. How long you gonna be in the bathroom, baby?

6. AC/DC - Big Balls

See also She's Got Balls and Got You By The Balls. Notice any pattern here?

Will Oldham does a pretty cool tribute to all this nonsense too.

5. Love - Coloured Balls Falling

The shortest song on Love's eponymous debut album (but only one of them scraped past 3 minutes). As with most Arthur Lee songs, I have no idea what it's about. I suspect chemical assistance might be required...

I suspect this song might have also given its name to 70s Aussie rockers The Coloured Balls, but the interweb appears unable to confirm that for me.  

4. Elizabeth Cook - Sometimes It Takes Balls To Be A Woman

Feminist country anthem. Dolly and Tammy would be proud.

3. Pulp - Can I Have My Balls Back, Please?

Poor old Jarvis. How can he be a man now...?

So I went to New York City to see a doctor thinking maybe that he..
Would understand the state I was in.
He said: "I'd dearly love to help you son,
but you see the same thing's happened to me."
So now I'm home and I'm asking you just once more.
Please.
Oh can I have my balls back, please?
Can I have my balls back, please?
How am I gonna get through my life if you don't return them to me?

2. Amy Rigby - Balls

It appears that Amy Rigby can't help falling for bad boys. (Wonder if that's why she ended up with Wreckless Eric.)

You've got a lot of nerve to be calling here
But I love your nerve
You've got a lot of gall, you don't even care
About me at all
You've got a lot of balls, you don't even care
Wish I could grow a pair...

1. Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls Of Fire

60 years old. Still as fresh and powerful as it ever was. Anyone who says the piano isn't a rock instrument hasn't ever listened to The Killer.




Next week: My Top Ten Enema Songs.

Or maybe not...

My Top Ten 'We're All Going To Hell' Songs

Bowie. Prince. Frey. Haggard. Rickman. Lemmy. Wogan. Shandling. Paul. Martin. Corbett. etc. etc. etc.

All gone.

Trump. Boris. Cowell. Kanye. Cameron. McIntyre. 

Still alive and prospering.

Let's face it, these are the end times. But let's not be down. Let's celebrate instead with ten singers who know exactly where we're all going... and still plan on having a half decent time when they get there.



10. The Pretty Reckless - Going To Hell

We'll start off this week with a blast of contemporary American hard rock from former Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen and her band. It's wrong in so many ways, and for admitting to liking it... well, you know where I'm going.

9. The Long Blondes - I'm Going To Hell

I'm starting to think The Long Blondes were one of the last great British indie bands. Post Britpop, they never really made it as big as they should have, and their career was cut short when guitarist and songwriter Dorian Cox suffered a stroke in 2008. They're still missed. (Although lead singer Kate Jackson releases her debut solo album very soon.)

8. Kathleen Edwards - Going To Hell

I never grow tired of listening to Kathleen Edwards, one of Canada's finest musical exports... even though she appears to have put her glorious voice on ice for a while to concentrate on running a coffee shop. That's a sign of the times, right there...

7. Chris Rea - The Road To Hell Pts. 1 & 2

Ah, the 80s: so much to answer for. Chris Rea's biggest hit became synonymous with a particular type of uncool dadrock that Alan Partridge would have turned up to 9 1/2 in his Kia Optima and wound the windows down while cruising up the M6. But leave all that aside and this is still a wonderfully atmospheric slice of blues-rock aided greatly by Rea's gravelly growl, particularly if you listen to the full 7 minute version. 

6. My Chemical Romance - Mama

I do like Gerard Way. He's a proper pop star. He's nicked bits from Bowie, Freddie, Alice Cooper: he understands the theatrical nature of rock 'n' roll... this one even steals its rhythm from Susanna by The Art Company. He knows his stuff. Pity his solo record was a weak stab at Britpop (!) and he seems to be focussing his attention these days more on writing comics than dressing in silly black clothes and pogoing into the crowd. 

5. Robert Johnson - Me & The Devil Blues

If anyone was going to end up in Hell, Robert Johnson was a good bet... considering that deal he made at the crossroads to get him where he got (arguably creating popular music while he was there).

On this track, the devil comes calling for Robert. It was only a matter of time...

Because he was such an influential artist, I felt it important to own every single Robert Johnson recording. It's not hard to do - they fit comfortably on a double CD, including the alternative versions.

Me & The Devil Blues has been recorded by everyone from The Doors to Cowboy Junkies to Gil Scott Heron (and Clapton, obviously). But none of them ever tried to beat Bob...

4. Tom Waits - Everything Goes to Hell

As usual, Tom hits the nail on the head. What is he building in there?

Why be sweet, why be careful, why be kind?
A man has only one thing on his mind
Why ask politely, why go lightly, why say please?
They only want to get you on your knees
There's a few things that I never could believe

A woman when she weeps
A merchant when he swears
A thief who says he'll pay
A lawyer when he cares
A snake when he is sleeping
A drunkard when he prays
I don't believe you go to heaven when you're good
And everything goes to hell, anyway

3. Chris Isaak - Down In Flames

I was a big fan of Chris Isaak back in the early 90s, but he'd slipped off my radar somewhat until I heard him on Bob Harris a few weeks ago. This song in particular sold me on his latest album (2015's First Comes The Night), which turned out to be a terrific set of classic (original) rock 'n' roll songs. As on his most famous songs from back in the day (Wicked Game, Blue Hotel, San Francisco Days), he still owes a great debt to the Big O, but there's a wicked sense of humour at play amid the heartbreak: and Down In Flames is a song Elvis would have given his star spangled jumpsuit for in his latter days. (Well, except for that one line at the end of the second verse...)

James Dean bought it on the highway
Marilyn found it in a pill
Elvis died – or did he? – they're looking for him still

Some go soft and quiet
Some go out with a bang
Well it's way too late for the pearly gates I'm going down in flames

Down in flames
Down in flames
When the good times end and they count my sins
I'm going down in flames

Isaak claims to be a very bad boy in this song, but he seemed like a genuinely decent bloke when I heard him interviewed. Very funny and down-to-earth with a real passion for playing music live, even if he's no longer blessed with hits. But he'll be 60 this year and he doesn't look a day over 35... so maybe he did do a deal sometime in the early 90s that sealed his fate.

2. Morrissey - There's A Place In Hell For Me And My Friends

There are two distinct versions of this classic Morrissey tune. There's a typically jangly guitar-led live version which originally appeared on the Live at KROQ release and as the b-side to My Love Life. And then there's the mournful, piano-based torch original which closes the unfairly maligned Kill Uncle album, and still remains one of the most beautiful things Moz has ever recorded. Bizarrely, on Kill Uncle's 2013 re-issue ("repackage, repackage"), the latter was replaced with the former, which diminshed the whole album's impact greatly. Whoever was responsible for that switch... well, there's a warm place for you down below...

1. AC/DC - Highway To Hell

When songwriters die, we suddenly hear their lyrics in an entirely different way. That's been proved time and time again this year, from Bowie to Prince, Lemmy to Glenn Frey. But rarely was it more true than back in 1980 when Bon Scott drank himself to death in a Renault 5. Highway To Hell was Scott's last album, and many see the lyrics - particular those of the title track - as a great one-fingered salute to all those who were telling him to slow down.

Goin' down
Party time
My friends are gonna be there too

It's strange - but gratifying - the way AC/DC have become accepted by the masses over the last few years. You'll regularly hear tracks like Highway To Hell and Back In Black played on Radio 2 - a station that wouldn't have touched them 30 years ago. Bon Scott may be long gone... but he'll never be forgotten. I hope he's having a good time down there. 





Which one will you be listening to when you reach your final destination?

My Top Ten Songs About Wearing Black

Black is slimming. Black is flattering. Black is mysterious. Black is sexy. Everything is the new black.

Here's ten songs about wearing black... with, surprisingly, not a goth in sight.


10. Everclear - White Men in Black Suits

I was a huge Everclear fan back in the late 90s, around the time they ditched their grunge roots and went power pop with the album this came from: So Much For The Afterglow. Yes, I liked them when they became popular... not a very muso thing to admit, is it?

No idea who the White Men in Black Suits are in this song... however, part of me hopes they're alien investigators... or just your basic, bog standard aliens. That'd make me happy. Like the imminent return of Mulder & Scully has made me happy.

9. The Hollies - Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)

Rocks a lot harder than most Hollies songs - largely because they were doing their best to imitate Creedence when they recorded it. John Fogerty was, apparently, not impressed.

8. Juliet Turner - Burn The Black Suit

A wonderfully sarcastic lyric from this Irish singer-songwriter...

I found out how to keep you keen, I read it in a magazine.
One of those expensive ones, so it must be true, it must be true.
Seems large amounts of alcohol is all it takes to make you fall.
If I stroke your ego through the night, it'll be all right, it'll be all right.

7. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

Creeping southern blues rock classic (though Alannah herself was Canadian), this still drips sweat and sex all over the turntable. It would have been a little less steamy had she kept her real name... Alannah Byles.

6. Warren Zevon - Angel Dressed In Black

With typically cynical paint, Warren daubs the image of a paranoid, crack-smoking loser whose girl has left and not come back. He's starting to worry terrible things may have happened to her...but we suspect the truth might be a little more obvious.

5. Suzanne Vega - I Never Wear White

One of the stand out tracks from Suzanne's eight studio album, Tales from the Realm of the Queen of Pentacles, released just last year. Conclusive proof... she's still got it.

My colour is black black black
For the crone, and the bastard
The schoolgirl in uniform
The servant in the hall.

Black is the truth
Of my situation,
And for those of my station
In life. All other colors
Lie.

4. The Shangri-Las - Dressed In Black

Melodrama never came classier than the Shangri-Las. Here, a forbidden love affair leads to teenage heartbreak on a Wagnerian scale, (over-)produced with Spector-esque glee by George Francis "Shadow" Morton - the man who brought the shadows to many of the Shangri-Las greatest musical moments.

3. AC/DC - Back In Black

When AC/DC front-man Bon Scott died in 1980, the band almost called it a day. Instead they decided he would have wanted them to carry on, so they offered the job to Geordie's Brian Johnson... and gave him the unenviable task of writing a lyric paying tribute to his predecessor. This is what he came up with... the title track from an album that stills ranks as one of the Top Ten highest selling records of all time.

2. Johnny Cash - The Man In Black

He WAS the Man in Black. And here's why...

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day
And tell the world that everything's okay
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back
Until things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black

(Though, in truth, it was just easier to keep black shirts clean when JC was on long tours.)

1. The Smiths - Unlovable

Another example of Morrissey and Marr throwing away classics on b-sides. The ultimate maudlin-Moz lyric... he wears black on the outside because black is how he feels on the inside. And if he seems a little strange... well, that's because he is.

Message received - loud and clear!

Which is your little black dress?

My Top Ten Dirty Songs

Ten songs in need of a good wash.

If you came looking for Christina Aguilera, you'll end up disappointed. She can't even spell 'dirty'...


10. Don Henley - Dirty Laundry

Here's one I haven't listened to in 20 years. A condemnation of TV news sensationalism from Henley's debut solo album.

9. Poison - Talk Dirty To Me

Hair metal at its best. If you believe such a thing is possible.

8. Frank Zappa - Dirty Love

 If there's a dragon in your dreams, Frank's here to help... at a price.

7. AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Kinda like 118 118 for bastards.

6. The Bastard Fairies - Dirty Sexy Kill Kill

How can you not want to listen to a band called The Bastard Fairies? Especially when they sound like Amanda Palmer backed by the Eels? Get out while you still can!

Last I checked, this was even available for free download from their website.

5. The White Stripes - Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground

In which the line between Jack White and Johnny Depp blurs imperceptibly, courtesy of director Michel Gondry.

4. Lou Reed - Dirty Blvd.

 Lou takes a serious shot at his hometown. Amazing storytelling.

Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor I'll piss on 'em
That's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses
Let's club 'em to death
And get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard

3. The Pogues - Dirty Old Town

Written by Kirsty's dad, back in 1949, but Shane made it his own. You don't hear many opening lines better than this...

I met my girl by the gas works' wall...

2. Bonnie Tyler & Todd Rundgren - Loving You Is A Dirty Job But Somebody's Gotta Do It

Written by Jim Steinman, like all the best Bonnie Tyler songs. You could probably guess that from the length of the title and the inclusion of orchestra, 12 sticks of dynamite and kitchen sink in the score.The video is also a work of demented 80s genius... featuring Hywel Bennett in the Todd Rundgren role.

There were times when we fought like tigers
There were times we were damn good liars
There were times we extinguished every
That was burning, burning, burning up each other alive
From the heavens on down to the dives
There were times we lost it all we lost it all
There were times we lost it all we lost it all

1. Steely Dan - Dirty Work

I've been listening to this a lot lately since its appearance in my Film of 2014 (so far... but then, I have only seen two), American Hustle. However, over the last few months I've also been listening to a helluva lot more Steely Dan than I ever have before. I am officially middle-aged. (I reach The Meaning of Life, The Universe & Everything this week, folks!)

So I am now at the stage in my life where I'd rather listen to a 42 year-old Steely Dan song (this, from their debut album, is as old as I am) than anything Radio 1 would ever play. These Top Tens used to contain a lot more Cool Young Indie Music and a lot less Sad Old Muso Music. I always dreaded this day... but you know what? It ain't that bad... 




Which one would you scrub up for?

My Top Ten Landslide Songs

Having already survived an avalanche, I thought I'd try my luck with some landslides...


10. Less Than Jake - Landmines & Landslides

If you're familiar with the work of Less Than Jake, this sounds exactly like you'd expect.

9. Slash's Snakepit - Landslide

If you're familiar with the work of Slash, this sounds exactly like you'd expect.(Not always a bad thing.)

8. Alice Cooper - Generation Landslide

From the days when Alice Cooper was the name of the band.

7. Olivia Newton John - Landslide

This video is a classic example of 80s WTF?! 

It begins with Olivia as a sexy business woman (taking off her glasses) before it goes all Hammer horror with sword fights and children dressed as ninjas and then cut-price sci-fi as Olivia tries on her old Wilma Deering costume. Hence: it is genius.

I am proud to come from the generation who grew up knowing her as Olivia Neutron Bomb.

6. Tony Clarke - Landslide

Classic slab of Northern Soul.

5. Fleetwood Mac - Landslide

Stevie Nicks wrote this after an argument with Lindsey Buckingham. See also just about every other Fleetwood Mac song: whoever wrote them, they were generally about the various band members hating each other... or shagging each other... or hating each other again.

A much-covered song... see also versions by the Dixie Chicks  the Smashing Pumpkins and Tori Amos, among others.

4. AC/DC - Landslide

I want you to put your hand in your pocket
Take ten dollars out and send it to me

Loud enough to cause a landslide in solid granite.

3. The Bluetones - Mudslide

I can't shake the feeling I've featured this song before... though god knows when. Did I do a Top Ten Mud Songs?

2. Transvision Vamp - Landslide of Love

You've no idea how close Wendy came to being Number One. Probably my favourite Transvision Vamp song, even if it does rip off the theme tune to Red Dwarf at one point. (Or maybe Red Dwarf ripped this off... I can't be bothered to check which came first.)

I'll play this for my old mate Nota Bene who always gets very excited whenever I throw any TV into these lists... though not because he's a fan of their music. I expect he'll be watching this video with the sound down again, especially since Wendy James appears to have forgotten to wear the back of her dress.

1. Manic Street Preachers - Life Becoming A Landslide

Yep, I'd forgotten how good this was too.

My idea of love comes from
A childhood glimpse of pornography
Though there is no true love
Just a finely tuned jealousy

Which one gets you slip sliding away?

My Top Ten Phone Number Songs (Vol. 2)

Volume 1 featured songs about getting someone's number... this time, it's songs that feature actual phone numbers. Mostly in the title; occasionally, prominently within the chorus.

Start dialling now...

10. Tommy Tutone - 867-5309

A big American hit in 1982... I wasn't in American in 1982. I've never been to America. Maybe I heard Rick Dees or the Emperor Roscoe play it?

9. Hawkshaw Hawkins - Lonesome 7-7203

Hawkshank changes his number when his other half leaves because the only callers he gets are asking for her. He leaves his new number out there though... just in case that special lady ever wants him back.

Hawkshank died in the same plane crash that took Patsy Cline from us. 

8. The Kinks - Long Tall Shorty (424-689)

Well, girls, if you get lonely
Dial 424-689
And your troubles will be over
I'll even give you back you dime

What a gentleman!

7. Squeeze - 853-5937

Could also have made it into my Top Ten Answering Machine Songs, but seemed more appropriate here.

Squeeze were shrunk down to microscopic size to record the video for this song inside an actual telephone.

6. The B52s - 6060-842

Tina finds this number scrawled on the wall of the lady's room. And she actually calls it. Serves her right if Fred Schneider answers. Phew - the number's been disconnected!

5. The Marvelettes  - Beechwood 4-5789

You can call her up and have a date any old time. Alternatively, you could call Karen Carpenter on the same number.

4. AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (362436)

If you're havin' trouble with your high school head
He's givin' you the blues
You wanna graduate but not in 'is bed 
Here's what you gotta do
Pick up the phone, I'm always home
Call me anytime
Just ring: 362436, hey
I lead a life of crime

AC/DC, so the story goes, were sued by an American couple who were getting hundreds of prank calls as a result of "their phone number" being included in this song. But anyone calling was mishearing the lyrics of the song - hearing the "hey" as an "8" to complete the couple's actual phone number.

3. City Boy - 5705

If City Boy were from Birmingham (UK), why were they paying for their calls with a dime?

2. The Glenn Miller Orchestra - Pennsylvania 6-5000

If you don't already consider this a classic, I suggested you watch what it does to Leland Palmer in Twin Peaks...

1. Wilson Pickett - 634-5789 (Soulsville, U.S.A.)

If you need a little lovin', call up the Wicked Pickett - he'll be there as soon as he can.




Which one will you be calling next time you're lonely?