Snapshots #411: Songs About Minor Ailments

Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.

15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.  

The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.

Roger Miller - Lou's Got The Flu 

14. After The Funeral.

The Wake - Heartburn

13. Rebellious Jews.

Check your history books.

The Maccabees - Sore Throat

12. They do not own a copy of that George Michael single.

They are without a copy of Faith.

Faithless - Insomnia

11. Man with the News: Tickling the ivories leads to the Cure.

Huey Lewis was the man with The News. Robert Smith has The Cure.

Huey 'Piano' Smith - Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu Pt. 1

10. I've a mind to let this group make my decisions for me.

A Hive Mind?

The Hives - Constipation

9. ET's friend in a box likes to take long walks with Blind Boy Grunt.

ET's friend was Elliot. Jack in a box. Long walks would be rambling. Blind Boy Grunt was another alias of Robert Zimmerman.

Ramblin' Jack Elliott & Bob Dylan - Acne

8. The entirety & the whole shebang.

Everything Everything - Cough Cough

7. Sue Pollard and tough guy Marvin.

Sue Pollard was Peggy. Lee Marvin was the tough guy.

Peggy Lee - Fever

6. "I'm listening" to the catchiest part of the song.

"I'm listening," was the catchphrase of Dr. Frazier Crane. The catchiest part of the song is usually the chorus.

Frazier Chorus - Born With A Headache 

5. Sodding Teri has me all over the place.

"Sodding Teri" was an anagram.

Otis Redding - I'm Sick Y'All

4. Goes with Delaney & The Creator.

Delaney & Bonnie... Tyler The Creator.

Bonnie Tyler - It's A Heartache

3. A bumpy journey through space.

Cosmic Rough Riders - The Pain Inside

2. Two thousand.

CC are the Roman Numerals for 200. Multiply that by 10.

10cc - You've Got A Cold

At a pinch, you might have had...

Graham Gouldman - Sunburn

1.Found inside notorious dynamos.

NoTORIous dynAMOS.

Tori Amos - Caught A Light Sneeze

Get well soon - hopefully you'll be back to full health by next Saturday, in time for more of this nonsense.

Celebrity Jukebox #38: Raquel Welch

I think it's fair to say that Raquel Welch must be the oldest actress I've ever featured here. After all, she has been acting since One Million Years BC. 

When Stephen King wrote the novella that The Shawshank Redemption was based on, the poster on Andy DuFrense's cell wall was Rita Hayworth. In the movie, to better show the passage of time, he has three posters: Hayworth, Marilyn... and the iconic image above of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC, surely one of the most famous posters ever printed... after that one of the tennis player scratching her arse. Iffypedia tells us "Welch helped transform America's feminine ideal into its current state", a statement which is as questionable as it is disputable. To her credit, Welch herself once said, "I was not brought up to be a sex symbol, nor is it in my nature to be one. The fact that I became one is probably the loveliest, most glamorous and fortunate misunderstanding". 

Whatever you think of Raquel Welch, it's fair to say that poster may well have decorated the bedroom walls of many of the songwriters below...

The Violent Femmes - Raquel

Not actually about Raquel Welch, just a girl with the same first name as her. However, Ms. Welch does get a mention... and extra points for rhyming her surname with "squelch".

Raquel.

I am not well.

Raquel.

What is this feeling that 

I'm not trying to squelch?

I don't know your last name,

I just know it's not Welch.

No question about this one though, from the man who wrote The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan...

Shel Silverstein - Raquel Welch

I been collectin' matches for 20 years or more

I got about a hundred thousand books of 'em,

Sittin' in my end table draw

So that if Raquel Welch comes knockin' at my door

And asks me for a match, for her cigarette...

I'll be ready

And there can be little doubt that Gruff Rhys had Ms. Welch in mind when he wrote this for his Super Furries side project...

Neon Neon - Raquel

Oh Raquel

You've really got the power over me

Oh Raquel

Your silhouette's an hourglass indeed

I saw you as a movie star

And now you're riding in my car

Oh Raquel

You fill me with inertia, yes you do

Oh Raquel

I know this when I touch you, on a balloon

Your daddy came from Bolivia

Your Irish mother gave you star

Shine on

(In case you're wondering, Gruff did his research. Raquel's parents are Bolivian daddy Armando Carlos Tejada Urquizo and Irish mummy Josephine Sarah Hall.)

OK, so those are the only songs I found with Raquel in the title. What about lyrical nods? 

Deep breath...

Yoko Ono - We're All Water

Yayayayayayayayaya!

Oh, sorry... I mean...

There may not be much difference

Between Chairman Mao and Richard Nixon

If we strip them naked

There may not be much difference

Between Marilyn Monroe and Lenny Bruce

If we check their coffins

There may not be much difference

Between Raquel Welch and Jerry Rubin

If we hear their heartbeat 

Deep.

Slightly less deep, yet somehow far less annoying, is the fact that Raquel Welch shares a birthday with Freddie Mercury, Werner Herzog and...

Loudon Wainwright III - Birthday Boy

I am the birthday boy

Today's my day, mine to enjoy

I am the birthday king

Today of me I sing

Fred Mercury is dead and gone

Raquel Welch continues on

Werner Herzog's doing fine

It's their birthdays and mine

Then comes the "I'll have what she's been smoking" category...

Tori Amos - Glory Of The 80s

I had the Story of O in my bucket seat

Of my wannabe Mustang

Auditioning for reptiles in their

Raquel Welch campaign

Glories of the 80s, you said

"I'm not afraid to die" I said,

"I don't find that remotely funny, even

On this space cake high"

Yeah, I'm not going to try to explain that.

Oh, look, here's a song with Two Parts! You have to scroll through to the beginning of Part 2, around the 4 minute mark, to hear a brief reference to Raquel... but I think it's just a playful nickname for Freddie's co-singer.

Freddie McKay - In Times Of Trouble

How about a word from Mr. Moonlighting himself?

Al Jarreau - Love Is Real

You think that love's

What's on that silver screen

Raquel and Redford are the tops

You've been misled

By all those movies you've seen

Or perhaps you'd prefer something from the first Finnish band to ever chart in the UK?

Hanoi Rocks - Futurama

My little lover's gonna be another copy of Raquel Welch, 

I'll build her a house and a maid named Jill

And spend the rest of my life down in Beverly Hills

Or a Christian Rock Supergroup? (Aren't they all?)

Lost Dogs - Carry Me

Remember Raquel Welch in that fur bikini

The dinosaur bird swooping down

Loana, the fair one, flailing and screaming

Soon as her feet left the ground

Sometimes there’s nowhere to hide

Just as well to surrender and go for the ride

Loana was the name of the character Raquel played in One Million Years BC. Clearly they're not Christian fundamentalists, otherwise they'd be rubbishing the film's depiction of dinosaurs which, clearly, never existed.

Oh, and here's our token Mark Kozelek track for this week...

Mark Kozelek and Sean Yeaton - The Reasons I Love You

The reason I love you number eight

Is because we rarely rarely fight and we get along great

And you're prettier than me, than Raquel Welsh or Sharon Tate

And that's the reason I love you number eight

All of which leads us to two very clear winners for today's Raquel-love-in. 

The first... is only... one of the greatest TV theme tunes ever written...

I've never spent much time in school

But I taught ladies plenty

It's true, I hire my body out for pay, hey hey

I've gotten burnt over Sheryl Tiegs, blown up for Raquel Welch

But when I end up in the hay, it's only hay, hey hey

And the second... is Loretta. 'Nuff said.

I'm glad that Raquel Welch just signed a million dollar pact

And Debbie's out in Vegas workin' up a brand new act

While the TV's showin' newlyweds, a real fun game to play

But here in Topeka, the screen door's a bangin'

The coffee's boilin' over and the wash needs a hangin'

One wants a cookie and one wants a changin'

And one's on the way

Conversations With Ben #7: Cover Me

 

Link to above news story.

Ben: Well that's a win win for everyone.

Rol: I'd rather watch James any day of the week.

Exactly. It's like he's retaliating but it's turned out better.

Taking his mask off to spite his face.

On my Spotify random bit, a Darkness cover of Street Spirit (Fade Out) came up. Possibly a contender for the worst cover song ever.

Worse than Mark Ronson's cover of Stop Me?

Similar lines. Like how in Stop Me you can hear how it might be a dance song but one of the good things about it is it's restraint. Similarly, Street Spirit sounds like it could be a bombastic metal song but shouldn't.

Is that Darkness cover as bad as this...?

I opened that, saw the thumbnail and now refuse to watch it.

You know you want to. 3am. Save it for 3am.

To be fair, I only listened to 3 seconds of it before sending it to you.

Or what about Duran Duran doing 911 Is  A Joke?

Willie Nelson just did an album of Sinatra covers. That is sublime.

It's not Danzig doing Elvis, though.

And no covers album can ever come close to Strange Little Girls by Tori Amos so no one should try.

Actually  that is my favourite Tori Amos record.

And so it should be.

Mark Kozelek Sings Favourites?

Anything post Red House Painters should be ignored.

He's like Coldplay for pitchfork.

No.

You are wrong.

And to prove it, he has released 3 new records since your last comment.

Each one, a more generic beige than the last.

He is the king of grumpy old bastards.

It's performance art.

Like putting his diary out on record.

Not for everyone, but I get a lot out of listening to him ramble on about dead skunks in his yard.

It comforts me.

Look, a visual representation of Mark Kozelek's music...

You're just upsetting me now.

Try Death Grips, they're comforting.

Try the song Guillotine. It genuinely induces a sense of seasickness.

I don't want to feel seasick. I feel sick all the time anyway.

They're performance art. Like genuine performance art.

I only hope that when you're my age, Sufjan is putting out records like Kozelek is now. You'll get it then.

Sufjan will always put out records. And they'll always be amazing. And he'll one day finish the other 48 state albums.

Go away now. You're interrupting my crying myself to sleep. With Kozelek.

Try the new Julien Baker album for real cry to sleep music.

You keep missing the point. I don't want music that makes me cry. I want music that takes my mind off the crying.

Black Lace?

I just found a worse cover version than any we've named so far...

I dunno, The Sound Of Silence cover by Disturbed is very bad.

And then there's RHCP with Brandy and Higher Ground.

The whole of The Spaghetti Incident by Guns 'n' Roses.

Since I Don't Have You was OK. Although the video is dreadful, even by Axl standards.

I just spent 5 minutes investigating Sting and Shaggy duets on youtube. Sadly no covers.

When I was a teen, this compilation album started that is still going. Punk goes pop. It's not bad but incredibly mediocre. Very cut and paste pop punk covers.

I miss AV undercover club.

Alien Ant Farm's version of Smooth Criminal now sounds better than the original.

Did they do AV undercover?

No idea. But it seemed in the right area.

It was very varied. Wang Chung did Modest Mouse, it was great. Punch Brothers covered Reptilia. Lots of stuff.

Pinball Wizard... The Who or Elton?

Elton.

Despite being raised on Mod music, I do not understand the love for The Who.Great riffs, awful songs.

I spent a full two weeks listening exclusively to Isle of Wight and still didn't get it

Love me some Elton, though. And the Elton John biopic is the best biopic out there.

I like The Who. But you chose right. Elton brings a manic nature to the song that takes it to another level.

My dad, who is now 91 and so grew up with Sinatra, pre-pop music, and has never had any interest in any pop music... had a brief flickering of interest in The Who a few years ago because he liked all the CSI theme songs. Then he caught a bit of them playing Glastonbury and changed his mind.

You really need to watch Joe Pera. There's an episode where he discovers Baba O'Reilly...

Yes. You showed me that. I just couldn't find the show anywhere.

Just checked, Joe Pera on All4. 10 minute episodes. Gentle and honest. Literally the perfect Covid comedy.

Saturday Snapshots #148: The Answers

You should have used the Force to crack yesterday's clues. It makes them so much easier...

10. Pray for the lass, twice.

God Help The Girl - God Help The Girl

9. We'll probably be eating breakfast on our own.

Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now

8. Head down discharge highways.

Another word for discharge is emit. 

Emitt Rhodes - With My Face On The Floor

R.I.P.

7. Recovered so well, they named them twice.

New York was so good they named it twice.

New York City - I'm Doin' Fine Now

6. Born again in Harlem with underlined horticulturist & the Silver Skates.

Resurrected where they do the shuffle.

Ashton Under Lyne.

Gardener.

"Hans Brinker; or, the Silver Skates: A Story of Life in Holland" is the story of the little Dutch boy who puts his finger in a dike.

Ashton, Gardner & Dyke - The Resurrection Shuffle

5. McFly meet the only man at Number Ten: objects.

Marty McFly.

The only man in God Bless The Girl (#10) is Stuart Murdoch (also of Belle & Sebastian).

Marty Stuart - Little Things

4. Shaken by rough winds, causing a crash landing.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, 

And summer's lease hath all too short a date.

The Darling Buds - Hit The Ground

3. Nightshade fire around pier, column and abutment.

Peppers come from the Nightshade family. If they're on fire, they're red hot.

Piers, columns and abutments are found under bridges.

The Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Under The Bridge

2. Get off Peter's sledge!

Peter had a Sledge... Hammer.

Yo! Sound the bell! School's in, suckers!

MC Hammer - U Can't Touch This

1. I am Torso, Cereal Celia.

"I am Torso" is an anagram. Cereal Celia would be a cornflake girl.

If you failed at these, don't worry - there will be A New Hope next Saturday...

My Top Ten Librarian Songs

Ten songs about librarians. Shh!

(The Tori Amos "Greatest Hits" collection pictured above doesn't contain any librarian songs, but did order the songs using the Dewey Decimal System.)


10. The Research - Librarian Girl

Wakefield indie band from the early noughties. No relation to the Michael Jackson song (sic).

We're all looking for a meaning in a meaningless world.

9. Jimmy Buffett - Love In The Library

And I thought Jimmy spent all his time messing about on boats. Turns out he also hangs around in libraries, looking for love...

She gathered her books, walked while she read
Words never spoken but so much was said
You can read all you want into this rendezvous
But it's safer than most things that lovers can do

8. Hefner - The Librarian

He started to woo her in the most peculiar way
The librarian's dress was a fawner shade of grey
The books he was to borrow he would surely never read
They had an intellectual calibre he hoped that she would see

Been there. Didn't get me anywhere.

7. Eels - Baby Loves Me

Record company hates me
The doctor says I'm sick
The bad girls think I'm just too nice
And the nice girls call me "dick"

But baby loves me!

(And the librarian shushes him too. Poor E.)

6. My Morning Jacket - The Librarian

Simple little bookworm, buried underneath
Is the sexiest librarian, 

Take off those glasses and let down your hair for me

Steady on, fellas...

I like this song because it mentions both "the interweb" and "Karen of the Carpenters".

5. Haunted Love - The Librarian

I want to check out your books...

Innuendo never sounded so buttoned-up and proper!

4. The Divine Comedy - My Imaginary Friend

Remember the mobile library? Neil does...

Daddy drives the mobile library.
He works peripatetically.
He doesn't get much time to play with us
So we just read and make up stuff.
And it drives him round the bend,
Me and my imaginary friend.

You can search the whole library for another song that features the word "peripatetically"... good luck in finding one.

3. The Go-Betweens - Karen

More early Go-Betweens - from their first ever single, the b-side to Lee Remick.

I know this girl

This very special girl

And she works in a library, yeah

Standing there behind the counter

Willing to help

With all the problems that I encounter

Helps me find Hemingway

Helps me find Genet

Helps me find Brecht

Helps me find Chandler

Helps me find James Joyce

She always makes the right choice

2. INXS - Heaven Sent

Tuesday she works in the library uptown
Some useful knowledge can always be found
Don't burn the library till you've read all the books
Sometimes in life you get a second look

Not a band that were known for their great literary offerings, but they sure could bang out a tune.

1. Nick Cave - There She Goes, My Beautiful World

Name-dropping the most famous librarian ever and notorious parent-abuser...

While Philip Larkin, he stuck it out 

In a library in Hull

Any librarians filed in your stacks? Dewey decimal placings will be required.

My Top Ten Mondegreens

Mondegreens. Misheard lyrics. You'll find them all over the internet, but here are ten GENUINE ones from my past. I honestly thought these were the actual lyrics... until finally, often many years later, I discovered the truth.


10. Kim Wilde - Chequered Love

What do you want for tea, Kim?

"Chicken, love."

Possibly the earliest mondegreen I ever encountered... or at least, the earliest one I can remember. She just can't get enough chicken, love. I still hear that today...

Chequered Love!

9. Madonna - La Isla Bonita

"Young girl, with eyes like potatoes"

This is one of the ones you'll see a lot on websites that discuss mondegreens. Most of the other examples they quote sound preposterous to me, apart from Bohemain Rhapsody's famous "Beelzebub had a devil for a sideboard". But this... this was exactly what I thought Madonna was singing in 1986. Apparently, a lot of people also thought the opening line to this song was the racially offensive, "Last night I dreamt of some dago". Poor old Madonna. Enunciate, luv.

Young girl with eyes like the desert

I'm having a hard time accepting Madonna will be 60 this year. Bad enough that Kylie just turned 50.

8. Tori Amos - Professional Widow

Honey, bring me a toaster pie

Honey, bring me toast to my lips, yeah

Must be what they call Pop Tarts in America, I thought at the time. A Toaster Pie. That made perfect sense to me.

Honey bring it close to my 

Honey bring it close to my lips, yeah

Not far off, actually. And I still think she's singing about a Toaster Pie.

7. Erasure - A Little Respect

"What will you do to make me

Call Martin Scorcese's number?"

I've been planning this particular Top Ten for a while now and whenever I heard a song from my youth with a lyric I just couldn't explain, I had to go and check out the real thing. I swear I always thought Andy Bell was asking for Martin Scorcese's number in this song. I have no idea why.

What religion or reason

Could drive a man to forsake his lover

Now I've read the real lyric, I can't even hear the Martin Scorcese bit anymore. It's gone.

6. Bob Marley - Is This Love?

"We'd be together

With a roof rack over our head"

What a nice romantic image that is, Bob. Somewhere to store your tandem bike when you're on the road, presumably.

We'll be together

With a roof right over our heads

Oh. One word can change your whole interpretation of a song.

5. Michael Jackson - Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

"Keep on - to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough"

Enough what, Michael? Stamps? Airmail stickers? Postal Orders? (Do they even have Postal Orders anymore? Probably not. Another archaic item from our past.)

What did Michael want from the Post Office?

Keep on

With the force don't stop

Don't stop till you get enough

Really? What is that, a Star Wars reference?

You know, I think I prefer my version.

4. Boston - More Than A Feeling

"I see my derriere walking away..."

For many, many years it always baffled me how The Bloke Out Of Boston (do you know his name?) could possibly see his own backside if he was walking away. Was he looking over his shoulder into a mirror? Wasn't he looking where he was going? Accident waiting to happen, right there...

I see my Marianne walkin' away

3. Eurythmics - There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)

"No one on earth could be like me

I'm running, overgrown with fleas..."

Somebody get Annie a flea collar - stat!

No one on earth could feel like this

I'm thrown and overflown with bliss

2. Meat Loaf - Bat Out Of Hell

"I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,

I'm a Cilla Black fan, am I!"

You might wonder why Meat was such a big fan of Our Cilla... I certainly did. Then again, BOOH was written by Jim Steinman, who is officially BARKING MAD, so why shouldn't he throw in a reference to Cilla? Maybe he was after a blind date...

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,

On a Silver Black Phantom Bike

When I found out the real lyrics, I was just as confused? Is that a Black Phantom bike that's painted silver? Or is it Silver-Black? What the hell is Silver-Black, Jim? Is that even a colour?

1. Elvis Costello - The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes

These may not be as amusing as some of the ones above, but they speak to how I spent a large part of my late teens and early twenties: headphones on, sat beside the stereo, listening to Elvis Costello albums and trying to write down the lyrics. There were never any lyric sheets in Elvis's records and the way he spat and twisted and punned his way through the language was endlessly fascinating... but also a little frustrating when I just couldn't work out what he was singing. Even now, almost 30 years later, I can still remember the time I spent puzzling over this one song in particular...

"Our love got fractured into echo and suede"

Our love got fractured in the echo and sway

"But since you got in my pumps, you just suspend my sentence"

Ever since you got me punctured this has been my sentence

Fortunately, the greatest lyrical couplet this song has to offer was clear as a bell...

Oh, I said, "I'm so happy I could die"

She said, "Drop dead" then left with another guy...

Your turn! There must be a misheard lyric or two in your back catalogue. Do share.

Hot 100 Countdown #80

French indie dream-pop band Tahiti 80 give us our image this week... but which 80 song will be the winner?


Lots of you thought I might have to go down the 1980 or eighties route, but I managed to get away with avoiding the year (or the decade!) again this week. Still, good suggestions from...


Alyson: The Belle Stars - 80s Romance


Rigid Digit: Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Lies (Through The 80s) / Tori Amos - Glory Of The 80s


Jim Dubai: The Strokes - 80s Comedown Machine / Calvin Harris - Acceptable in the 80s (liked that more than I expected from a Calvin Harris track!) / The Vox - Bored Of The 80s (couldn't find that one, I'm afraid) / Milky Wimpshake - Blow out at 80 MPH (could only find a dodgy live version but how could you not like a band called Milky Wimpshake?)


The Swede: Dream Syndicate - 80 West (great guitar sound on that one) / Otway & Barrett - DK 50/80 (Mental! But I like mental.)


C: Killing Joke - Eighties (the first one so far this week that I actually own... hence a contender, if I'd been forced to use a year / decade song).


Lynchie: K.T. Oslin - 80s Ladies (always got time for a bit of country... I'm surprised nobody suggested George Strait - 80 Proof Bottle of Beer Stopper).


However, I'm going to ignore all of those, I'm afraid... because I have to go classic this week.


The song Around The World was written for the 1956 movie Around The World In 80 Days and recorded by lots of the usual suspects, including Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole. The track was also recorded by Diana Ross & The Supremes (under the film's full title of Around The World In 80 Days) in 1965 for an album that wasn't actually released until 2004.Anyway, here it is... I can't ever resist the Supremes...




So... 79 next week - what can you offer me?

My Top Ten Waitress Songs

This is the first time I've ever edited a Top Ten after publishing...but shortly after posting it for the first time earlier this afternoon, Simon popped up in the comments and pointed out the most egregious ommision I have ever made. I've forgotten great songs before when compiling Top Tens, but I've never neglected a glaringly obvious Number One before. Well, I just couldn't let it stand. So let's try this one again...

Ten songs dedicated to hard-working waitresses everywhere.

The image above is the cover to the Felice Brothers' album Favourite Waitress... but sadly, there's no song to go with it.

Special mention (as it's getting close to Christmas) to The Waitresses...

...and to Material Issue - Kim The Waitress

A great little power pop story that starts out sweet and shy... 

Writing poems in a corner booth
That I'd die
If she 
Read

Before taking a much darker turn...

Though I don't stand a ghost of a chance with her
She's pretty (and that bothers me)
So pretty (and that bothers me)
And it bothers me.

It was Number Ten until I had to restructure this list to squeeze in the new Number One, and I didn't want to just drop it completely.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programme...



10. Loudon Wainwright III - Tip That Waitress

Leave it to Loudon to describe the horrors a real waitress faces every night...

She's been on her feet nearly half the damned night
Bringing your beverage and your late night bite
She remains cheerful, when you're nasty and tight
Makes change for a 50 in dim candlelight
Ignoring the groping, hoping you might
Come across with a tip and sympathize with her plight
Tip that waitress!

Mr. Blonde would disagree.

9. Tori Amos - The Waitress

When waitresses go to war. Don't mess with Tori, bitch! She'll kill you.

8. 5 Chinese Brothers - She's A Waitress (And I'm In Love)

A sage warning from the brothers who weren't Chinese (not sure they were brothers either... were there even 5 of them?) about never falling for that smile the waitress gives you...

In her tight uniform with a low-cut neck
And the way that the grease mixes with her sweat
She smells as good as the inside of a new Corvette
She fits your dreams like a baseball glove
And when she smiles at you, that's when you realize
That's not the way she smiles at all the other guys
You see her sneak a peek from behind the pies
She's a waitress, and you're in love

There is no happy ending to this story.

7. Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress

The title track from Stuart Murdoch's most outrageously "pop" album (he even hired Trevor 'Buggles' Horn to produce). Lyrically, it's the usual Murdoch mix: equal parts melancholic whimsy and 'the sun'll come out tomorrow' pipe dreams.

6. Fountains Of Wayne - Halley's Waitress

Any excuse to play some Fountains. This is one of the most laidback tunes in their repertoire. Reminds me a bit of Steely Dan, yet it's still unmistakably FOW.

5. Flight of the Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)

OK, it's a shameless Prince spoof from a sitcom soundtrack album... but that doesn't stop it being one of my favourite songs of the last 15 years. The musos would have you believe that the above disqualify it from contention. I firmly disagree. This song makes me smile every time I hear it. In that alone, it's on a par with Wichita Lineman...

You're so beautiful...
You could be a waitress
You're so beautiful...
You could be an air hostess in the 60s
You're so beautiful...
Well, you could be a part-time model
(But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job)

I'd probably have made it Number One, but I wanted to save it up so I could use it again on my Top Ten Flight Attendant Songs*, Model Songs, and Beautiful Girl Songs...

(*And if you're wondering where Waitress In The Sky by The Replacements is (Miller), there's your answer.)

4. Don Henley - Waiting Tables

Taken from Don Henley's first album in 15 years, Cass County, which is a damned fine record. Proof, if proof were needed, that he can still tell a great story... and sing it with the voice of a weary angel.

3. Joni Mitchell - Barangrill

Joni at her storytelling best...

Three waitresses all wearing
Black diamond earrings
Talking about zombies and Singapore slings
No trouble in their faces
Not one anxious voice
None of the crazy you get
From too much choice
The thumb and the satchel
Or the rented Rolls-Royce
And you think she knows something
By the second refill
You think she's enlightened
As she totals your bill
You say "show me the way
To Barangrill"

 ...apparently inspired by a stop-off at a late night gas station where the attendant started singing to her (when she wouldn't sing to him).

2. First Aid Kit - Waitress Song

11 months on and Stay Gold is still my favourite album of 2014. (I'm currently considering this year's Top Ten... a tough selection process!) This is one (of many) stand out tracks, a song about wishing you could run away and start over somewhere else, with a sly nod to Cyndi Lauper.

And yes, First Aid Kit were originally Number One on this countdown. Until Simon pointed out the obvious...

1. The Human League - Don't You Want Me?

One of the great songs of the 80s? Apparently Phil Oakey thought it was a substandard filler track and didn't even want it releasing as a single (particularly as the album it came from had already spawned three hits and he thought the record buying public was "sick of the Human League"). It went on to become the 23rd best-selling single in UK chart history - and a Christmas Number One to boot.

Sheffield has a lot to answer for... although the video was filmed in Slough.

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you...

Please don't leave a tip. I don't deserve one this week. Just don't tell me I forgot another classic waitress song... 

My Top Ten Landslide Songs

Having already survived an avalanche, I thought I'd try my luck with some landslides...


10. Less Than Jake - Landmines & Landslides

If you're familiar with the work of Less Than Jake, this sounds exactly like you'd expect.

9. Slash's Snakepit - Landslide

If you're familiar with the work of Slash, this sounds exactly like you'd expect.(Not always a bad thing.)

8. Alice Cooper - Generation Landslide

From the days when Alice Cooper was the name of the band.

7. Olivia Newton John - Landslide

This video is a classic example of 80s WTF?! 

It begins with Olivia as a sexy business woman (taking off her glasses) before it goes all Hammer horror with sword fights and children dressed as ninjas and then cut-price sci-fi as Olivia tries on her old Wilma Deering costume. Hence: it is genius.

I am proud to come from the generation who grew up knowing her as Olivia Neutron Bomb.

6. Tony Clarke - Landslide

Classic slab of Northern Soul.

5. Fleetwood Mac - Landslide

Stevie Nicks wrote this after an argument with Lindsey Buckingham. See also just about every other Fleetwood Mac song: whoever wrote them, they were generally about the various band members hating each other... or shagging each other... or hating each other again.

A much-covered song... see also versions by the Dixie Chicks  the Smashing Pumpkins and Tori Amos, among others.

4. AC/DC - Landslide

I want you to put your hand in your pocket
Take ten dollars out and send it to me

Loud enough to cause a landslide in solid granite.

3. The Bluetones - Mudslide

I can't shake the feeling I've featured this song before... though god knows when. Did I do a Top Ten Mud Songs?

2. Transvision Vamp - Landslide of Love

You've no idea how close Wendy came to being Number One. Probably my favourite Transvision Vamp song, even if it does rip off the theme tune to Red Dwarf at one point. (Or maybe Red Dwarf ripped this off... I can't be bothered to check which came first.)

I'll play this for my old mate Nota Bene who always gets very excited whenever I throw any TV into these lists... though not because he's a fan of their music. I expect he'll be watching this video with the sound down again, especially since Wendy James appears to have forgotten to wear the back of her dress.

1. Manic Street Preachers - Life Becoming A Landslide

Yep, I'd forgotten how good this was too.

My idea of love comes from
A childhood glimpse of pornography
Though there is no true love
Just a finely tuned jealousy

Which one gets you slip sliding away?

My Top Ten Songs About David Bowie

So, there's a new album out from The Dame. And from what I've heard of it (admittedly only the first two singles so far: the album's still in the post), it sounds pretty spiffy. Since I already did My Top Ten Bowie Songs... here's some other people paying tribute.


10. Liam Lynch - Fake David Bowie Song

I've been stuck in space for such a long time
Sorry mum, I'm 5 years late for tea time

One of many fake songs Liam recorded, from the album of the same name... sadly, this one ends far too soon.

9. The Very Sexuals - Bowie Eyes

I always took Bowie's eyes to be the clearest evidence that he was, in fact, not of this earth.

And I want a star that guides me
To a girl with Bowie eyes
Got visions of my glamrock idols saving me

8. The Flaming Lips with Neon Indian -  Is David Bowie Dying?

The end of the universe, the death rays of the sun, with Wayne Coyne channeling the ghost of Bowie, the last man in existence.

Or something. 

7. Phish - David Bowie

An 11 minute jam, the only lyrics being repeated mentions of "David Bowie"... and, erm, "UB40".

Look, don't hold your breath waiting for my Top Ten Songs About UB40, OK?

6. Tori Amos - Not David Bowie

There's an underlying bitterness to this lyric that appeals to me. Tori's boyfriend blames her for the fact he's never made anything of his life, so she hits back...

...but I am not the reason you are not David Bowie...

5. They Might Be Giants - Au Contraire

David Bowie came to town
Flying overhead
"Don't you dig my chops?" he cried
This is what they said...

Au contraire, Dave
Quite the opposite, in fact
As it happens, au contraire
Au contraire, mon frère

Yeah. It makes as much sense as anything else TMBG ever recorded. Still ace.

4. Amy MacDonald - Barrowland Ballroom 

Amy's tribute to a legendary Scottish music venue... wishing she saw The Laughing Gnome there.

And when the night turns to day
And the lights they fade away
I wish that life and love would pass me by
And when the band stops a song because there's something going on
Well there is magic in the air I swear.
And I wish that I saw Bowie, playing on that stage
I wish that I saw something, to make me come of age.

3. Veruca Salt - With David Bowie

Extra marks for naming your band after a character from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory.

I'm never alone
Cause you're following me home
I'm falling in love
My walkman and me
With David Bowie

2. Rolling Stones - Angie

Enough people believe this is about Dave's first missus that it merits inclusion. Plus, it's a great song. And no Mars Bars were hurt during the recording of this track. That's just apocryphal.


1. Flight of the Conchords - Bowie

A tribute and pastiche in one, though no other record on this list does justice to the unique insanity of the "freaky old bastard" behind Major Tom, Ziggy Stardust and the Thin White Duke... I like to think he'd approve.

Do you have one really funky sequined space suit, Bowie,
Or do you have several ch-changes?

Got any about-Bowie songs you want to share with the class?