Snapshots #407: Fifteen Banned Records

Hello! Thank you for joining me. 

This weekend, we had a list of records that were banned from the radio... for one reason or another...

15. Hello In There old lady.

In the John Prine song Hello In There, the old lady is called Loretta.

Loretta Lynn - The Pill

Banned by a lot of US radio stations because it promoted promiscuity (!)

14. Person Wanted: apply within.

Person Wanted

Not quite sure why this one was banned...

NWA - Fuck Da Police

13. Clio: Papa?

Remember the Renault Clio adverts with Papa and Nicole?

Nicole - A Little Peace

One of many, many songs banned by the BBC during The Gulf War because... well, we wouldn't want anyone singing about peace, now would we? 

12. Six topless fools. (What do you mean there's only four?)

"Six topless" was an anagram.

Sex Pistols - God Save The Queen

Sex Pistols - Anarchy In The UK

By banning these two records, the BBC forced John Lydon into a life of poverty that he was only able to claw his way out of by selling butter.

11. Cyclone, Oblivion, Steel Vengeance.

Three famous roller... coasters.

The Coasters - Charlie Brown

Banned in 1959 because it might encourage little kids to throw "spitballs". 

Setting fire to the auditorium was fine though.

10. Former egg yob goes straight.

"Former egg yob" was an anagram for this famous jockey / singer...

George Formby - With My Little Ukulele In My Hand

George Formby - With My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock

Both banned because he was clearly using a euphemism for his penis. 

George Formby - When I'm Cleaning Windows

Also banned, because of some of the things he sees while doing his job.

Naughty, naughty, George - very naughty. To quote another banned record. 

9. "Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! So, this is it! I'm gonna give you a damn good thrashing!"

That, of course, was Basil Fawlty taking his frustrations out on his Austin 1100 Countryman.

Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name

Banned by the BBC because of the repeated line "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me". Bruno Brookes then "accidentally" played the whole thing on the chart show. And in November 2008, it was "accidentally" played to shoppers in an Asda supermarket in Preston. Asda apologised.

8. Hooligan deflowers Tokyo... that's very disturbed!

"Hooligan deflowers Tokyo" was an anagram.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax

Banned by the BBC for its "overtly sexual" lyrics, this became the third biggest selling single of 1984.

7. Quartz has an annoying Paddy.

Paddy is an annoying McGuinness. Flint is a type of quartz.

McGuinness Flint - Let The People Go

Like Paul McCartney's infamous "Give Ireland Back to the Irish", this was banned in 1972 because it referred to the Ulster Crisis in Northern Ireland.

6. Everybody's favourites.

First Choice – Armed and Extremely Dangerous

Another song banned during The Gulf War, along with Sailing by Rod Stewart and In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins. Add your own witty comment here.

5. Atticus's client.

In To Kill A Mockingbird, Atticus is defending Tom Robinson.

Tom Robinson – Glad To Be Gay

What's more shocking, that Tom felt the need to write this protest song in 1978... or that the BBC refused to play it?

4. Bond musician meets Sugartime Sisters.

The Bond composer is John Barry. Sugartime was a hit for The McGuire Sisters.

Barry McGuire - Eve Of Destruction

Another song banned for daring to point out that war is bad, m'kay?

3. Don't wink, Leila... keep it inside!

Twinkle - Terry

Banned because she had an affair and drove her boyfriend to suicide (possibly) in the lyrics.

2. Boots beauty products - made for angels!

Heaven 17 – (We Don't Need This) Fascist Groove Thang

Banned because fascists don't like being called fascists.

1. Whiz kids.

Nope, I'm stumped again.

The Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up

Don't worry, you have not been banned from playing Snapshots. You are free to join us again next Saturday.

One Track Mind #3: When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman

(Don't even start me on the unforgivable "Your" / "You're" confusion.)

Can a bawdy joke spoil a great song?

This is the question I ask myself whenever I hear Dr. Hook's biggest hit. Because it's a great song - if you like that sort of thing, obviously, and growing up with Radio 2, I grew to love it - but the hokey pun innuendo soon outlived its welcome.

I was pretty certain I knew who wrote this song - but it turns out I was wrong. I was sure it must be another Shel Silverstein composition, given Shel wrote a number of Hook's hits, including their very best song...

Now that's a classic. Even if you don't care for Dr. Hook's particular brand of laid-back country pop, you have to at least appreciate the way Silverstein's desperate lyric is perfectly matched to Dennis Locorriere's plaintive vocals. I swear when he sings, "Please, Mrs. Avery," I feel his yearning right down to the tips of my toes. What a performance. 

And it turns out Sylvia's Mother is a true story too - Shel was in love with a woman called Sylvia Pandolfi, but she ran off with another man and ended up as a curator at the Museo de Arte Carrillo Gil in Mexico City. Shel tried desperately to rekindle that romance, but the only contact he had for Sylvia was her mum, and she wasn't having any of it. Nowadays, she'd probably report him as a stalker. I guess "Please, Mrs. Pandolfi" didn't quite scan, so Avery it was. And Mrs. Avery became such a famous figure, she even inspired a sequel song from The Men They Couldn't Hang...

The Men They Couldn't Hang - Mrs. Avery

But I'm not here to write about Sylvia's Mother, am I? Let's get back to the song in question. The reason I figured When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman was a Shel Silverstein composition is that Shel was known for being a funny guy. As well as being able to break our hearts with songs like Sylvia's Mother and The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan, Shel wasn't afraid to write a song with a sense of humour. Like these...

Johnny Cash - A Boy Named Sue

Bobby Bare - The Winner

Loretta Lynn - Hey Loretta

You've got to admire the nerve of a man who can rhyme Loretta with Irish Setter, and then get Loretta Lynn to sing it. Silverstein was also responsible for another witty Dr. Hook hit, although it's one I have mixed feelings about...

Dr. Hook - The Cover Of The Rolling Stone

Now the problem with this tune is the way the Hooksters laugh at their own jokes (or at Silverstein's jokes, anyway) as they sing them. Ironically, ...Rolling Stone is one of their only songs to feature Dr. Hook himself, Ray Sawyer, on lead vocals. Maybe that's part of the problem. Much as I wish to argue in favour of humour in pop songs, I have a problem with people who laugh at their own jokes. Now I've no problem with people laughing in songs, otherwise I wouldn't love this...

Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody

You hear Whitney giggling away (around 3'57" if you're in a rush) and you can tell she's genuinely having a good time. She's enjoying herself and having fun. The laughter is natural. Similarly, one of my favourite tracks by this up and coming pop hopeful...

Taylor Swift - Hey Stephen

Hey Stephen is a great "why are you wasting your time with those vain cheerleaders when I'm right here?" song, made even better by the line...

All those other girls, well, they're beautiful

But would they write a song for you? 

The little chuckle Taylor gives after delivering those lines (approx. 2'50", busy folk) is priceless. And again, it feels genuine. Not so the self-congratulatory laughter in The Cover Of The Rolling Stone. I wish they'd played that song a little straighter. Or got Locorriere to sing it.

All of which brings us back to When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman (It's Hard), which I'm still surprised to learn wasn't written by Shel... except, maybe not so surprised the more I think of it, because Shel was classier than that. Further warning bells sound when you discover the song was actually written by Even Stevens. No, no Evan. Even. 

Stevens - real first names Bruce Noel - is a man who appears to love a good pun. He's clearly got a sense of humour, as demonstrated below...

Even Stevens - She's In A Toothpaste Commercial

Even Stevens & Sherry Grooms - The King Of Country Music Meets The Queen Of Rock & Roll

...although, hang on, they were both written by Shel Silverstein too. Clearly Even Stevens' own songwriting was influenced by Shel... but I can't help but think Shel would have stopped short of the innuendo that upends When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, a sleazy 70s sexual allusion that's only "bettered" by this...

The Bellamy Brothers - If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

That one was written by David Bellamy himself. Well, gwapple me gwapenuts!

Not that David Bellamy, obviously. I might look more kindly on it if it was. To be fair, at least innuendo is the whole point of If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body... there's not a better song trapped underneath, begging for your respect. It is what is is and seems quite happy that way. 

My contention then is that When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman is a great song - especially the bridge, which is as heartfelt as anything Dennis Locorriere ever sang...

Maybe it's just an ego problem, problem is I've been fooled before

By fair-weathered friends and faint-hearted lovers

And every time it happens it just convinces me more

That's the bit I love. The bit that keeps me coming back to listen to this track again and again, the bit that gets me past the embarrassment of the smutty innuendo. (I particularly struggle with the "You know it's hard, you know it gets so hard" call-back - yeah, we get it, Even. No need to belt us over the head with it!)

Legend has it that Even Stevens followed Dr. Hook's manager into the studio bathroom to pitch this song. That says it all, really. If only he'd showed a little restraint... When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, It's Tough would have been much better, in my opinion. Or did this song only get to the top of the charts in the UK because of the lowest common denominator sales? If so, I hope Even Stevens sleeps soundly on his mattress stuffed with money, safe in the knowledge that he was one word away from writing a classic...

Memory Mixtape #24: A Telephone Call From My Childhood

Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time
I'm living in twilight

Electric Light Orchestra - Telephone Line

I've been re-reading The Shining by Stephen King recently. Two reasons for this. One, the last couple of modern novels I've read have left me underwhelmed and frustrated. Two, Louise keeps saying, "you have all these old books on the shelves that you never read," and I needed a little more evidence to back up my claims that, "I'll read them again someday". Otherwise: charity shop.

Anyway, I like reading books set in the world of my childhood. A pre-internet, pre-covid, pre-modern day bullshit world... simpler times. The Shining was first published in 1977, when I was 5, a world where a telephone in your home was apparently something of a luxury...

Wendy had insisted on a phone in spite of their unraveling finances. She had argued that with a small child - especially a boy like Danny, who sometimes suffered from fainting spells - they couldn't afford not to have one. So Jack had forked over the thirty-dollar installation fee, bad enough, and a ninety-dollar security deposit, which really hurt. And so far the phone had been mute, except for two wrong numbers.

I'm not sure when my parents got their first telephone installed, but it was there on the wall between the kitchen and the living room throughout my childhood. I remember standing there, when I could reach it, and rotary dialling the numbers... then waiting for a friend's mum to answer. "Hi Mrs. Brook. Is Liam in? Can he come to the phone?"

Of course, the alternative was the good old-fashioned phone box, recently celebrated in John's August Photo Challenge.

Now he dialed the operator and she told him that for a dollar eighty-five he could be put in touch with Al two thousand miles away for three minutes. Time is relative, baby, he thought, and stuck in eight quarters. Faintly he could hear the electronic boops and beeps of his connection sniffling its way eastward.

We take so much for granted these days. A lot of people don't even bother with a home phone anymore, and to be honest, the only time I take a call on ours is when Louise has taken Sam out and she's calling to tell me to put the tea on.

I remember explaining to a bunch of phone-addicted students a few years back that we never even had mobiles when I was a kid. A look of genuine panic crept over their faces.

"But what if you were at school and your mum needed to speak to you urgently?"

"Well, I guess she'd call the school office and someone would come down to pass a message on," I replied... but I couldn't think of any occasion when such a thing had been necessary. Nothing was so urgent that it couldn't wait a few hours back then.

"Or what about if you were meeting up with some mates in town?"

"Well, you'd arrange a time and a place and..."

"But what if they were late?"

"Then you'd wait. And if they still didn't show up, I guess you'd go home and call them later."

Here are some more songs about the telephones of our youth...

Billy Fury - Phone Call

Eddie & The Hotrods - Strangers On The Payphone

Foreigner - Love On The Telephone

If you still want more, there's another great mix of Telephone Tunes over at The Dude's Place this month.

Celebrity Jukebox #100: Sinéad O'Connor

To mark the hundredth edition of Celebrity Jukebox, I'd prepared a special tribute to Glen Campbell, the man responsible for my all-time favourite song. I figured I'd run that ahead of Tony Bennett and whoever else might leave us in the meantime...

And then we lost Sinéad O'Connor.

The thing about Sinéad is, at just 56 years of age, she was an artist from my generation. She was only 21 when she released her debut album in 1987, as I turned 15. Then, just three years later, the Number One hit that would cement her global fame was still in the charts on the day of my 18th birthday. So through all the tragedy and controversy that would follow, I always felt like she was one of our gang, and I felt closer to her because of that. I didn't follow her career religiously, but there were touchpoints over the years, and her last album, I'm Not Bossy, I'm the Boss... well, I really hoped that would be the beginning of a renaissance. Sadly, it was not to be. Hard to believe it's 9 years since I first heard this...

I didn't know what to expect from the Celebrity Jukebox, but I should have known Sinéad's influence ran far and wide, starting in her home country...

My Ireland needs to go back to the source
The initial trickle, a spring and tickle out its flow
My Ireland needs to let go
My Ireland saw Sinéad ripping up the Pope
And isn't able to cope

Stephen James Smith - My Ireland

...over into Europe...

Afeitada como la Sinéad O'Connor 
La vi dejar el pub envuelta en humo de moto. 

(which translates as...)

Shaved like Sinéad O'Connor
I saw her leave the pub enveloped in motorbike smoke.

Ana Belén - Nadie Sabe

...and across the Atlantic...

Mary was a good ol' gal
She didn't deserve this shit
She wrote her lines out one at a time
And she didn't complain one bit

She saw Sinéad cover Loretta on Saturday Night Live
Like every good virgin does
But she spent most her time just sittin' round wondering
Where in the hell Jesus was

Elizabeth Cook - Mary, The Submissing Years

Lovely John Prine tribute there. And as to Sinéad covering Loretta...

Sinéad sang that song on Saturday Night Live in 1992. Later in the show, she tore up a picture of the Pope in protest at the cover-up of child sex abuse in the Catholic Church. This action alone guaranteed her immortality in all manner of songs, including plenty of rebellious rap tunes...

I plead guilty, your honor
Cause I dissed the Pope more times than Sinéad O'Connor

Ice Cube - My Skin Is My Sin

...and, of course, in this...

I rip shit like Sinéad O'Connor
I wear my vag as a badge of honour

Pussy Riot - Straight Outta Vagina

But even without the controversy, it's clear that Sinéad O'Connor deserved her place in the pantheon of rock goddesses...  

Tori Amos, Liz Phair
Sinéad  O'Connor, Suzanne Vega
Jill Sobule, Melissa Etheridge
Tracy Chapman, Ani Difranco
Michelle Shocked, everyone of them has
Something kind of special that I like

There's an awful lot of women
In whose honor I would like to raise my glass to in a toast
Some of them are still alive
And some I hear their voices like a ghost

Dan Bern - Chick Singers

...and among the legends of Irish music...

I went backstage, I couldn't even think
Christy Moore, Sinéad O'Connor, somebody give me a drink

The Mahones - Queen & Tequila

Still, the best tribute I could find was this one...

Read a book by Sinead O'Connor
Stained the pages and stared out at the water
I took a note when she said that songs are ghosts
I guess if anybody knows she knows

Melanie MacLaren - Summer In Sweden

...a song which leads us nicely to my all time favourite Sinéad O'Connor performance. "She had the voice of an angel," is such a cliché... but when you hear this, it's pretty hard to dispute. Especially when she's duetting with an old devil like Shane...

Rest in peace, Sinéad. I choose to believe you're with the angels now.

Celebrity Jukebox #40: Loretta Lynn

Country must be the second most self-referential genre in all of popular music. Only rap likes to talk about itself and name-drop other noteworthy practitioners of the artform more than country… the difference being that such references are largely positive in country, whereas rappers do like to slag each other off any chance they get.

With that in mind, I’m not going to pretend to have listened to every song that mentions Loretta Lynn in passing. She was a legend, and an inspiration, so it’s only right she be immortalised in many, many tunes. Here are just a handful… and they're not all straight down the line country songs either.

Carly Pearce – Dear Miss Loretta

I ain’t a coal miner’s daughter
But I’ve sung it all my life
I ain’t been a widow
But I’ve been an ex-wife
And I hear your truth
And I feel your pain
Now I know why you sang that way

Angelica Garcia – Loretta Lynn

Me and Loretta, Loretta Lynn
Black coffee and cinnamon
The price of gin beats rememberin'
How did we not see this comin' from him?

Josh Turner – Loretta Lynn’s Lincoln

Like any other would be country singing sensation
I had no visible means of transportation
One Saturday morning I was searching the ads
When I found one that I wanted and I wanted it bad
 
I called up the salesmen, he said, c'mon in
I've got the Lincoln right here belonged to Loretta Lynn
The Coal Miner's Daughter used to drive it to town
It's yours for a song and five hundred down

Johnny Gates – Loretta Lynn

Oh my sweetheart where you been
Cuz I miss you like the radio misses Loretta Lynn

Sheryl Crow – Woman In The White House

Don't you think it's time we put a woman in the White House
With a whole new attitude?
Just look at the mess we're in
Heck, I'd vote for Loretta Lynn
I guarantee that we'd all be
Singing a different song

Nanci Griffith – Listen To The Radio

I am leaving Mississippi in the evening rain
These Delta towns wear satin gowns
In a high beamed frame
Loretta Lynn guides my hands through the radio
Where would I be in times like these
Without the songs Loretta wrote?

Lucinda Williams – Car Wheels On A Gravel Road

Sittin' in the kitchen, a house in Macon
Loretta's singing on the radio
Smell of coffee, eggs, and bacon
Car wheels on a gravel road

As I said at the top, I could be here all day. Perhaps only Hank Williams and Johnny Cash get name-checked in more country songs than Loretta. And here she is with Johnny, in one of my favourites.

When Loretta Lynn goes dancing
With the ghost of Johnny Cash
Father Time takes forever
And to make it look like less than lightning flash
Violins bow into fiddles
Two iconic symbols crash
When Loretta Lynn goes dancing
With the ghost of Johnny Cash

My Top Ten Loretta Lynn Songs

Country legend. Feminist icon. Very tough, very funny, very smart lady.

The news of Loretta Lynn's passing came through late yesterday afternoon, but I wanted to pay tribute as quickly as I could. Off the top of my head then, here are ten of her best. I'm sure I've missed some classics, but how am I supposed to compress seven decades of music making into just one post?

10. Coal Miner's Daughter

The amazing origin story! And below is its most recent, heartbreaking recording...

9. Still Woman Enough

Also recorded last year, the title track of her 46th solo album, guest starring Reba McEntire and Carrie Underwood, just two of the many, many contemporary country stars who owe their careers to Loretta.

8. Rated X

Everybody knows that you've loved once

They think you'll love again

You can't have a male friend when you're a has been

Or a woman you're rated X

And if you're rated X you're some kind of goal

Even men turnin' silver try to make

But I think it's wrong to judge every picture

If a cheap camera makes a mistake

And when your best friend's husband says to you

You've sure started lookin' good

You should've known he would

And he would if he could

And he will if you're rated X

7. One's On The Way

Feminist icon #1. Because who else gave a voice to mothers and housewives like Loretta did?

6. You're Lookin' At Country

I'm about as old fashioned as I can be and I hope you're likin' what you see

Cause if you're lookin' at me you're lookin' at country

Truer words never been spoken.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly (with Conway Twitty)

You're the reason I changed to beer from soda pop

An' you're the reason I never get to go to the beauty shop

You're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling

Oh, but looks ain't everything

And money ain't everything

But, I love you just the same

4. The Pill

Feminist icon #2. Even if it got her records banned.

3. Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' (With Lovin' On Your Mind)

Why would you want to go down the pub if you had Loretta back home? Fool!

2. As Soon As I Hang Up The Phone (with Conway Twitty)

Melodrama has never been so perfectly tragic.

1. Fist City

If you don't wanna go to fist city

You better detour around my town

'Cause I'll grab a you by the hair a the head

And I'll lift off of the ground

I'm not a sayin' my baby's at saint

'Cause he ain't

And that he won't cat around with a kitty

I'm here to tell you gal to lay off a my man

If you don't want to go to fist city

Rest in peace, Loretta... I mean, give 'em hell on the other side!

Celebrity Jukebox #38: Raquel Welch

I think it's fair to say that Raquel Welch must be the oldest actress I've ever featured here. After all, she has been acting since One Million Years BC. 

When Stephen King wrote the novella that The Shawshank Redemption was based on, the poster on Andy DuFrense's cell wall was Rita Hayworth. In the movie, to better show the passage of time, he has three posters: Hayworth, Marilyn... and the iconic image above of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC, surely one of the most famous posters ever printed... after that one of the tennis player scratching her arse. Iffypedia tells us "Welch helped transform America's feminine ideal into its current state", a statement which is as questionable as it is disputable. To her credit, Welch herself once said, "I was not brought up to be a sex symbol, nor is it in my nature to be one. The fact that I became one is probably the loveliest, most glamorous and fortunate misunderstanding". 

Whatever you think of Raquel Welch, it's fair to say that poster may well have decorated the bedroom walls of many of the songwriters below...

The Violent Femmes - Raquel

Not actually about Raquel Welch, just a girl with the same first name as her. However, Ms. Welch does get a mention... and extra points for rhyming her surname with "squelch".

Raquel.

I am not well.

Raquel.

What is this feeling that 

I'm not trying to squelch?

I don't know your last name,

I just know it's not Welch.

No question about this one though, from the man who wrote The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan...

Shel Silverstein - Raquel Welch

I been collectin' matches for 20 years or more

I got about a hundred thousand books of 'em,

Sittin' in my end table draw

So that if Raquel Welch comes knockin' at my door

And asks me for a match, for her cigarette...

I'll be ready

And there can be little doubt that Gruff Rhys had Ms. Welch in mind when he wrote this for his Super Furries side project...

Neon Neon - Raquel

Oh Raquel

You've really got the power over me

Oh Raquel

Your silhouette's an hourglass indeed

I saw you as a movie star

And now you're riding in my car

Oh Raquel

You fill me with inertia, yes you do

Oh Raquel

I know this when I touch you, on a balloon

Your daddy came from Bolivia

Your Irish mother gave you star

Shine on

(In case you're wondering, Gruff did his research. Raquel's parents are Bolivian daddy Armando Carlos Tejada Urquizo and Irish mummy Josephine Sarah Hall.)

OK, so those are the only songs I found with Raquel in the title. What about lyrical nods? 

Deep breath...

Yoko Ono - We're All Water

Yayayayayayayayaya!

Oh, sorry... I mean...

There may not be much difference

Between Chairman Mao and Richard Nixon

If we strip them naked

There may not be much difference

Between Marilyn Monroe and Lenny Bruce

If we check their coffins

There may not be much difference

Between Raquel Welch and Jerry Rubin

If we hear their heartbeat 

Deep.

Slightly less deep, yet somehow far less annoying, is the fact that Raquel Welch shares a birthday with Freddie Mercury, Werner Herzog and...

Loudon Wainwright III - Birthday Boy

I am the birthday boy

Today's my day, mine to enjoy

I am the birthday king

Today of me I sing

Fred Mercury is dead and gone

Raquel Welch continues on

Werner Herzog's doing fine

It's their birthdays and mine

Then comes the "I'll have what she's been smoking" category...

Tori Amos - Glory Of The 80s

I had the Story of O in my bucket seat

Of my wannabe Mustang

Auditioning for reptiles in their

Raquel Welch campaign

Glories of the 80s, you said

"I'm not afraid to die" I said,

"I don't find that remotely funny, even

On this space cake high"

Yeah, I'm not going to try to explain that.

Oh, look, here's a song with Two Parts! You have to scroll through to the beginning of Part 2, around the 4 minute mark, to hear a brief reference to Raquel... but I think it's just a playful nickname for Freddie's co-singer.

Freddie McKay - In Times Of Trouble

How about a word from Mr. Moonlighting himself?

Al Jarreau - Love Is Real

You think that love's

What's on that silver screen

Raquel and Redford are the tops

You've been misled

By all those movies you've seen

Or perhaps you'd prefer something from the first Finnish band to ever chart in the UK?

Hanoi Rocks - Futurama

My little lover's gonna be another copy of Raquel Welch, 

I'll build her a house and a maid named Jill

And spend the rest of my life down in Beverly Hills

Or a Christian Rock Supergroup? (Aren't they all?)

Lost Dogs - Carry Me

Remember Raquel Welch in that fur bikini

The dinosaur bird swooping down

Loana, the fair one, flailing and screaming

Soon as her feet left the ground

Sometimes there’s nowhere to hide

Just as well to surrender and go for the ride

Loana was the name of the character Raquel played in One Million Years BC. Clearly they're not Christian fundamentalists, otherwise they'd be rubbishing the film's depiction of dinosaurs which, clearly, never existed.

Oh, and here's our token Mark Kozelek track for this week...

Mark Kozelek and Sean Yeaton - The Reasons I Love You

The reason I love you number eight

Is because we rarely rarely fight and we get along great

And you're prettier than me, than Raquel Welsh or Sharon Tate

And that's the reason I love you number eight

All of which leads us to two very clear winners for today's Raquel-love-in. 

The first... is only... one of the greatest TV theme tunes ever written...

I've never spent much time in school

But I taught ladies plenty

It's true, I hire my body out for pay, hey hey

I've gotten burnt over Sheryl Tiegs, blown up for Raquel Welch

But when I end up in the hay, it's only hay, hey hey

And the second... is Loretta. 'Nuff said.

I'm glad that Raquel Welch just signed a million dollar pact

And Debbie's out in Vegas workin' up a brand new act

While the TV's showin' newlyweds, a real fun game to play

But here in Topeka, the screen door's a bangin'

The coffee's boilin' over and the wash needs a hangin'

One wants a cookie and one wants a changin'

And one's on the way

Cnut Songs #14: The Dating Quagmire

There's a new dating show on TV this week in which couples act out erotic scenes from big hit films as a way of auditioning prospective partners. And another one where they choose a mate based on their karaoke voices alone. I presume these are a follow up to the one where people stare intently at the naked bodies of potential soulmates (but not their faces) before deciding the best one to go home with. You may prefer to swipe left on both. It's hardly Cilla, is it?

These kind of things make me feel very old. And yet, curiously, rather glad to be very old. I mean, who would want to be a young person trying to navigate the sexual quagmire that is the dating world in the 21st Century? A world where people can dress in as blatantly sexual a manner as they choose, and yet expressing a romantic interest in the wrong person could end you up in hot water?

It was so much easier in the good old days, when folk just went to bars to pull. Not that I ever did that. Not that I ever pulled anyone, anywhere, to be honest. But much as it seemed a pipe dream back then, it did at least seem a more realistic prospect than what goes on nowadays. Old man shouts at sea.

There is a sub-genre of music (mostly country or Americana, though I'm sure it crosses over into other genres - there's probably half a dozen Arab Strap songs that deal with it) about hooking up with people in bars. Take Todd Snider & Loretta Lynn's Don't Tempt Me for a start... 

Or Charity Chic's favourite, Parallel Bars, by Robbie Fulks and Kelly Willis (although there is a twist of Pina Colada to that one)...

My favourite at the moment comes from Hayes Carll, from the amazing KMAG YOYO album (look up the meaning behind that title title: I wanted to do a Top Ten Acronym Songs just to make that track Number One... but I couldn't come up with any others). 

Here's Hayes, alongside Cary Ann Hearst, showing how opposites really can attract... if you're pissed.

(I find the video a little distracting, to be honest. I'd recommend closing your eyes and concentrating on the lyrics. But not as a method of choosing a date.)

Positive Songs For Negative Times #44: Fist City

As a contrast to yesterday's post which displayed the emotive, heartstring-tugging powers of country music and Americana... here's the feistier side of the coin. Loretta Lynn, in all her savage "don't mess with me or my man" glory. 

In these dark and depressing times, there's quite a few people I'd like to send to Fist City myself... starting with a few of the higher ups at my workplace. Maybe I'll send Loretta round to sort them out...

You've been makin' your brags around town

That you've been a lovin' my man

But the man I love

When he picks up trash

He puts it in a garbage can

And that's what you look like to me

And what I see's a pity

You better close your face and stay outta my way

If you don't wanna go to fist city!

Saturday Snapshots #82 - The Answers

Put your Umbrella away and stop staring at your Diamonds (maybe put some clothes on too) because it's time for the answers to this week's Saturday Snapshots.

Some fierce competition yesterday morning between Rigid Digit and George... I think RD just clinched it, but it was pretty close. Good support from the rest of you, although I don't think anyone cracked my fiendish cryptic crossword clue for the Eddie Reader song. Thanks for playing, as always, guys...



10. Coward? Affirmative.

You yellow, boy?

Nobody calls me YELLO!

Oh yeah.

Yello - Oh Yeah

Gummy bear?

9. Conserve sheep: not a Golden Girl.

Betty White was a Golden Girl, so this song isn't about her.

Ram Jam - Black Betty

8. Martin, not a woman, warns against rat-arsed coitus.

Sweet Loretta Martin thought she was a woman, but she was another man. (Get back!)

Loretta Lynn - Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' (With Lovin' On Your Mind)

7. Nee Nah's ambition was to sell 100,000 albums.

100,000 albums would make a Gold Record (in the UK, anyway).

Nee Nah is the noise made by Fire Engines. Not the Simple Minds, George.

The Fire Engines - Big Gold Dream

6. So scared of this crazy planet, you want to cry.

Tears For Fears - Mad World

5. Prince George is very happy with the bloke from BT.

Prince George is Will's Son.

Very happy would be merry.

Meri Wilson - Telephone Man

Yeah, on listening to it again, I realise that was probably a mistake.

4. Sleep with Los Angeles; Jacobi calls for a pizza.

Lay... L.A.

Derek Jacobi orders a Domino's.

Derek & The Dominos - Layla

I think that's Eric on the right.

3. Where Paul gets his honey, at the crossing.

Macca has bees.

At the pelican crossing.

The Maccabees - Pelican

2. Van Halen, with subtitles, stumbles into a Scottish burgh called just Lochr.

Eddie is a reader.

Lochr is a town without pity... add pity and it becomes Pitlochry.

Ha!

Eddi Reader - A Town Without Pity

1. Dido resting on the harbour wall.

It took me ages to remember what Dido had to to with Otis, since it seemed obvious that "resting on the harbour wall" referred to (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay. Then I remembered: "Dido resting" was an anagram.



Take A Bow if you got them all right... more next week.

(Who knew both Madonna & Rhianna had songs called Take A Bow? Made my job much easier this weekend.)

My Top Ten Contraception Songs

I'm sure there are hundreds of pop songs which have caused a conception or two (Barry White's entire back catalogue?) but here are ten that might help stop you getting pregnant...


10. Gang of Four - At Home He's a Tourist

According to iffypedia, "Gang of Four's music brought together an eclectic array of influences, ranging from the neo-Marxist Frankfurt School of social criticism to the increasingly clear trans-Atlantic punk consensus". Fortunately, the music they made was nowhere near as pretentious as some of their fans! Plus, they were from Leeds, so extra marks for that.

Down on the disco floor 

They make their profit 

From the things they sell 

To help you cob off 

And the rubbers you hide 

In your top left pocket

I was ten when The Belle Stars released The Clapping Song. Oh, the fun we had on school trips singing "And she won't buy me a rubber Johnny" on the coach home... much to the consternation of our teachers. It was right up there with "Charlie had a budgie".

9. The Beautiful South - Mini-Correct

They say always use a condom , 

I say always use a whip 

They say be careful where you come at night , 

I just shoot straight from the hip 

These neatly folded corduroys 

Hide rubber underneath 

But the only rubber you have worn 

Is that useless rubber sheath

Who knew Paul Heaton was so kinky? No one, actually. This is him playing the role of a sexist oaf to criticise mile chauvinist wankers who sew their seeds wherever they can and care little for the consequences.

8. The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly

Of course, "jelly" is what the Americans call jam, so this might be a song about that...

She don't use jelly

Or any of these

She uses Vaseline

Vaseline

Vaseline...

Or perhaps not.

(Of course, like many Lips songs, it could just be utter nonsense.)

7. The Clash - Protex Blue

Condoms are often accused of stripping the romance out of lovemaking. Enter the anti-romantic Mr. Strummer...

It's a fab protective for that type of a girl

But everybody knows that she uses it well

It's a therapeutic structure I can use at will

But I don't think it fits my V.D. bill

6. Prince - Little Red Corvette

This is only Number 6 because it also featured in last week's Top Ten. Otherwise, it'd be a shoe-in for #1 in any chart.

I guess I must be dumb

'Cause you had a pocket full of horses

Trojan and some of them used

But it was Saturday night

I guess that makes it all right

And you say what have I got to lose?

The very fact that Trojan is the name of a brand of condoms... you could write a thesis on that.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Spare Parts

Bobby said he'd pull out 

Bobby stayed in 

Yeah, how effective is that withdrawal method anyway, Bobby?

Janey had a baby 

It wasn't any sin 

Exactly.

4. Arab Strap - Packs Of Three

Hated having to vote against this in this week's ICA World Cup. But you've got to go some to make me vote against Lloyd.

(Do I need to put a "Not Safe For Work" or "Not For The Easily Offended" sticker on this one?)

3. Loretta Lynn - The Pill

Could also have been Number One, had it not already enjoyed that honour in My Top Ten Hotpants Songs.

There's a gonna be some changes made 

Right here on nursery hill 

You've set this chicken your last time 

'Cause now I've got the pill

You tell 'em, girl!

2. The Specials - Too Much Too Young

"You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me": as chat-up lines go, Terry & Jerry, that takes some beating. Got anything else to add?

Take control of the population boom 

It's in your living room 

Keep a generation gap 

Try wearing a cap!

(I know a radio station that edited the last line off this track if they ever played it on air.)

1. Madness - House of Fun

It had to be really, didn't it? Arguably Madness's finest moment: getting to the top of the charts with a song about a 16 year old trying to buy condoms from the chemist. Genius.

I'm sorry, son

But we don't stock

Party gimmicks

In this shop.

Try the House of Fun

It's quicker if you run

This is a chemist

Not a jokers' shop!

Any planned parenthood anthems in your pack of three?

I'm waiting for someone to suggest This Mortal Coil.

And I'm ready to argue that Rubber Ring is about vinyl records...

Saturday Snapshots #12 - The Answers

And we're back in the room...


10. Two things Otis claimed to have in Tramp go paseo.

 (It's OK, by the way, that's his wife.)

In Tramp, Otis tells Carla Thomas...

I got six Cadillacs, five Lincolns, four Fords
Six Mercuries, three T-Birds, Mustangs, ooh, I'm a lover

One type of Cadillac is the Cadillac Deville. Carla goes on to tell him...

You can't buy me all those minks and sables and all that stuff I want

To which Otis replies...

I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, anything you want, woman

Gram got Mink Deville, but thought maybe the Cadillac doubled up as a reference to Cadillac Walk.

Alyson and C got out their Spanish dictionaries to reveal that a 'paseo' is a stroll.

Mink DeVille - Spanish Stroll

9. Scottish comics get me really angry.

The Dandy is a famous Scottish comic. These guys were a not-that-famous Britpop band from Leeds.

George puzzled that one out, with a couple of hints.

The Dandys - You Make Me Want To Scream

8. Silly & lazy, yet insists on being a traditional bride.

Silly Billy apparently took his stage name from the fact his teachers called him idle.

Alyson rocked out to this one.

Listen to that intro! Then enjoy the outrageous 80s excess of the video...

Billy Idol - White Wedding

7. Like The Man says, the right Geordie goes a little French.

Van 'The Man' Morrison sang 'Jackie Wilson Said... it was Reet Petite'. (Dexys, of course, sang about Jockey Wilson.)

Reet is Geordie for right.

Petit is French for small.

Lynchie nabbed this one.

Jackie Wilson - Reet Petite

6. Big O song of the Spanish king. I was always an Atari man myself.

Roy Orbison sang about Lana.

Del Rey means 'of the king' in Spanish.

Lana Del Rey - Video Games

Chris had a few goes at this, but George snatched the victory.

5. Not Morrissey's world; not Mr. Ed or Shergar either.

Morrissey sang America Is Not The World.

Mr. Ed & Shergar were both horses... with names.

America - A Horse With No Name

Another one for Lynchie - fighting it out with George for top spot this week.

4. Add 997 to the above, supporting camping without golf in the Reformation.

In the previous picture, there were three swordsmen. 3 + 997 = 1000.

A tentpole supports you when you're camping - take away a golf tee and you're left with Tenpole.

The Reformation happened in Tudor times.

Tenpole Tudor - Swords of a Thousand Men

Another big win for George. Charity Chic wants Ed TPT's trousers.

(Another top video too, if you've got the time.)

3. A sweet Beatles girl and a jerky fellow get disconnected.

The Beatles sang about "sweet Loretta Martin" (George's missus). A jerk is an American twit.

Lynchie got the artists, Charity Chic got the song.

Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty - As Soon As I Hang Up The Phone

(IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT BEFORE YOU DIE OR YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED.)

2. Night sky obscured by Carly's coffee, "Yay!" say the upper class twits.

Carly Simon had clouds in her coffee.

Rah = yay. Apparently, Rah is also a derogatory term for the upper classes. Why anyone would want to be derogatory about the upper classes is beyond me.

The Rah Band - Clouds Across The Moon

Lynchie has no shame. (It's the only song of theirs that I know too... but I love it unashamedly.)

Another video that screams for your attention.

1. Delta, famous for 15 minute soup and a Queen simile.

Delta = D.

Andy Warhol did pictures of Campbell's soup and told us we'd all be famous for fifteen minutes.

Queen sang Bohemian Rhapsody

Similes, as I keep telling my students, mostly involve like or as.

Somehow, I've never seen the video this before. Can't understand why they never showed it on Top of the Pops. (Clue: it's NSFW.)

Another George victory.



Can't wait for next week's. #9 already has me chuckling...