Snapshots #272: A Top Ten Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) Songs

It's Christmas morning. What better way to celebrate than ten versions of one of the very best Christmas songs ever written... and they're all worth a listen. 

10. ...Brutus? 

Et tu, Brutus? 

U2 - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Because it's Christmas, I'm going to say something nice about U2. They did a cracking version of this track.

9. Hairy camera.

Anagram! And a very young...

Mariah Carey - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

8. Like Manchester, and a Brummie goalie.

Like Melissa Manchester and Neil Etheridge, the Birmingham City goalkeeper... who I had to google, because clearly I had no idea who he was.

Melissa Etheridge - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

7. Brilliant lugholes.

The Lumineers - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

6. Someone's going to make you pay your fare.

"Someone's going to make you pay your fare" is a repeated refrain at the end of the song Death Cab For Cutie by the Bonzos.

Death Cab For Cutie - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

5. Pubescent ringers.

Anagram!

Bruce Springsteen - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

4. Top guns.

The Mavericks - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

3. Enjoy a more disorganised muddle.

"Enjoy a more" is a disorganised muddle of...

Joey Ramone - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) 

2. Keep it up, lads.

Arab Strap - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

1. Roseanne's daughter failed to score at tennis.

In the sitcom Roseanne, she had two daughters: Becky and Darlene. No score at tennis is Love.

Happy Christmas to everyone who's ever visited this page, whether you're here every day or you just strayed here by accident and couldn't get away. Every visit, every comment, keeps me going. In more ways that you'd think. Take care of yourselves. Have a good one (whatever that might mean to you).

Memory Mix Tape #5: Charlie Had A Budgie

I reckon I was about 8 years old, maybe 9, when the Junior School took us to a Youth Hostel in Kettlewell. We went on a minibus (there weren't many kids in my Junior School) and stayed overnight, maybe two nights, I don't know. All I really remember is playing in the stream in the sunshine, and everybody in bunk beds in the evening; a tipsy teacher sticking her head round the door and asking us all to quiet down.

I have one photograph from this trip, faded and orangey, like summers were back then. There's a slight scratch on the photo near the face of my "girlfriend" at the time, Jacqueline B. I remember we went through a phase of hanging out together a lot, playing "cats and dogs" (more innocent than in sounds) and one time she kissed me on the lips in the playground. But neither of us really knew what that meant. The scratch came from when I kissed the photograph, and then rubbed away the saliva. It does look like another one of the kids is attacking her with a mini lightsabre, but I know the truth. By the following summer we'd drifted apart, and it would be more than ten years before a girl kissed me on the lips again.

All this came flooding back to me yesterday while I was listening to Bluebird, a track from the new Arab Strap album. There's a bit in the middle of this (otherwise quite tame, by their standards) song, where Aidan Moffat growls...

The shitehawk is nocturnal

He thrives in the night

Hiding in the bushes as he hawks his shite

And suddenly, I was on that minibus again, singing along at the top of my voice along with everyone else...

Charlie had a budgie, a budgie, a budgie

Charlie had a budgie, a budgie had he

It flew in the daytime, it flew in the night

And when it came back it was covered in...

Charlie had a budgie, a budgie, a budgie...

I don't think I've sung that song, or even thought about it that much, for at least 40 years (why would I?). But now I can't get it out of my head...

I did have to google Charlie Had A Budgie, to make sure I hadn't imagined it. Fortunately, the internet confirmed its existence, along with a number of variations, mostly about Charlie having a pigeon, which is just wrong.

(And to this day, I still wonder why it came back covered in... anything.)

Neverending Top Ten #3.6: Old Town Road

So it finally happened.

Rather than me introducing Sam to songs from my record collection, he's introduced me to one from... well, not his own record collection, but one garnered from his circle of friends, at least. 

Old Town Road by Lil Nas X really shouldn't work. Country and rap don't mix, surely? And getting Billy Ray Cyrus in to sing the verses...? I love country music, but Billy Ray? The Achy Breaky Heart guy? Father of Miley? Nooooooooo!

And yet, I like Old Town Road a lot. It's just a fun pop song. 

(Or is it?)

Now, being that I am of an age where I really shouldn't be able to trust my own opinions on contemporary pop music, I figured I better ask another young person. Unfortunately, the youngest person I know to talk to, whose opinion I (occasionally) trust is Ben. 

Apologies if this becomes another one of those conversations...

Little Nas. Billy Ray Cyrus. Old Town Road. Discuss.

Personally? It's OK. Technically?  It does a lot for moving contemporary rap forward, showing that those SoundCloud and sadcore rappers can get a mainstream audience with a song with pop sensibilities but not "sell out" or lose artistic credibility.

Similarly, it's a move that shows where hip hop is currently as a social movement by accepting Lil Nas and his sexuality as a prominent member of the community, and not just as a critical darling but a minor person in the community (i.e. Frank Ocean).

That's OK then. I will let Sam keep listening to it.

I like country music, and a country/rap crossover sounds horrible on paper, but this makes it work... and even redeems Billy Ray in the process.

Yeah, the kid is probably one of the best role models the genre has had since Lupe Fiasco.

That's a great name. Like Clem Fandango.

Well, thank whatever god you want that Sam found Lil Nas X for country rap as opposed to Kid Rock.

Kid Rock rules!

The white supremacy? Or the pretending to not have grown up on a massive estate that his mummy and daddy owned?

Whatever. He still has 3 good songs.

As a 12 year old I liked American Badass.

The one that rips off both Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves of London is much better than it ought to be.

It was ok until it received too much radio play and just became so overplayed.

Fair enough.

(At this point Louise walks by and asks me if Sam should be singing that Lil Nas X song as it's so rude. "Rude," I ask, genuinely confused.)

I'm more disturbed to discover that the Lil Nas song might not actually be about horses.

It's about gay love, or can't you handle that?

Admittedly, love is the wrong word...

I don't have a problem with it. I just honestly thought it was about a horse until Louise told me otherwise.

I was satirising the idea of cancel culture and the outrage of cancel culture.

I only realised slippers were named as such because you slip them on your feel over Christmas.

And about a week ago I realised that the Pink song I'm coming up so I better get this party started was about her coming up on drugs. 

I didn't know that about Pink, but it doesn't surprise me.

It seems every modern pop song (except Taylor Swift and maybe Adele) is explicit on one way or another. I blame Frankie.

Valli?

Oh What A Night is a gem.

But also about groupies...

Goes To Hollywood. Or were you being facetious?

A bit of both.

But that's what Oh What A Night is about.

I spent an hour last night trying to find a radio edit of an Eminem song (other than Lose Yourself) that I could play to Sam. But even the radio edits are too offensive for a  7 year old.

I don't think Eminem works that way, unfortunately. I had one of his CDs that was the edited version. It sounded like he was scatting.

Mos Def might be a better rapper to introduce Sam to. Or Ab Soul. Show him The Book of Soul. You may want to check it for language first but it is definitely good rap. Then you can lead into Kendrick who is one of the GOATS as they have a group together called Black Hippy...

I'm sure all those rappers are very good, but I'm trying to introduce him to music from my life, not find new stuff. He's done a good enough job of finding Lil Nas's Brokeback Mountain song.

But you can make memories listening to a genre of music neither of you are knowledgeable about together.

I'm sure that'll come later.

I just realised that Sam has been into that gay pirates song by Cosmo Jarvis for years. 

Not sure he's ready for Man On Man yet. Then again, he's not ready for Arab Strap either... or half of Prince's catalogue.

Arab strap needs a 30+ warning.

Arab Strap have a new album out. I wonder how many c-words are in it...

(Surprisingly fewer than expected, actually.)

Hot 100 #3

Yes, the Fun Boy Three had to be the band who represented 3 on our countdown.

Fun Boy Three - The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum

Although we could also have gone with...

Alabama 3 - Too Sick To Pray

Juliana Hatfield Three - Spin The Bottle

Three Degrees - When Will I See You Again

The Dirty Three - The Restless Waves

Three Dog Night - Mama Told Me Not To Come

Spacemen 3 - Lord Can You Hear Me?

Mojave 3 - Love Songs On The Radio

3 Colours Red - Beautiful Day

Robyn Hitchcock & The Venus 3 - Adventure Rocketship

Steve Wynn & The Miracle 3 - Amphetamine

3 Doors Down - Kryptonite

The Three O'Clock - Jet Fighter

The Three Johns - Death of the European

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

Unique Three - The Theme

The Len Price 3 - Swing Like A Monkey

And probably a load more. I've reached the stage where I've accepted defeat when it comes to making these lists exhaustive.

Onto the songs, and Charity Chic opens the bidding this week...

The Commodores - Three Times a Lady

Going once, going twice...

Patsy Cline - Three Cigarettes in an Ashtray 

Eddie Cochran - Three Steps to Heaven -  or Showaddywaddy

I think we'll stick with Eddie, thanks.

Next up is Martin, who I had to edit for reasons that will become apparent below, though he did offer the following...

Ian Dury and The Blockheads - Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3

The Wedding Present - Three

And I even got artist and song title round the cut'n'paste-able way :)

Always appreciated. Thank you, Martin. Although I didn't expect you to miss this...

Martin Rossiter - Three Points On A Compass

Next up is C...

I'd go for...

The Selecter - Three Minute Hero

Also, if you'll let it count, how about a song that's very evocative for those of us of a certain age:

Pentangle - Nightflight (Theme to Take Three Girls)

"TV theme from the late 60s series about three 'swinging chicks' sharing a groovy pad in London."

I'm too young to remember that, but I bet it was groovy.

OK, deep breath everybody... here comes The Swede!

(I should add that I have edited The Swede's list this week, but only to remove the Christmas songs, because we're about as far away from Christmas as it is possible to get.)

Thin White Rope - The Three Song

Juniper Tar - Three Words

Trinity - Three Piece Suit and Thing

Double points for that one.

The (fake) Clash - Three Card Trick

I should probably ask why they're fake... I'm sure there's a story there.

The Faces - Three Button Hand Me Down

Okkervil River - Stand Ins, Three

More of an instrumental break, really, but I do love the album this comes from. I am not going to allow you The Stand Ins, Two & One over the next two weeks though.

The Good, The Bad & The Queen - Three Changes

The Ink Spots - We Three (My Echo, My Shadow & Me)

That's lovely.

Joanna Newsom - Three Little Babes

Sunset Rubdown - Three Colours

Sounds like a knocking shop, as my mum wouldn't say.

Possible Selves - Three Birds

Snailhouse - Three Nights

Simplicity People - KG's at Halfway Three

McCoy Tyner - Lee Plus Three

Emily Portman - Three Gold Hairs

Rachel Newton - Three Days

One Eleven Heavy - Three Poisons

Fire on Fire - Three Or More

Jake Xerxes Fussell - Three Ravens

White Hills - Three Quarters

Nick Drake - Three Hours

At last! One I actually own!

Wire - Three Girl Rumba

Followed by one that Elastica clearly own.

Amon Duul II - Three Eyed Overdrive

Followed by one I'm betting only The Swede owns.

Gary US Bonds - Quarter to Three

Dillinger - Three Piece Suit and Thing

Wonder if it was khaki?

Bill Anderson - Three AM

Grizzly Bear - Three Rings

Bob Marley - Three Little Birds

That was a serious contender. Can't believe nobody else suggested it.

Walter Bishop Jr - Three Loves

Bert Jansch - Three Dreamers

Orange Juice - Three Cheers For Our Side

Hip hip hooray!

Herbie Hancock - Three Wishes

Herbie Hancock - Three Bags Full

Tangerine Dream - Sunrise in the Third System

Two weeks in a row for Tangerine Dream.

BeBop Deluxe - Third Floor Heaven

Khruangbin - Evan Finds the Third Room

I could have done without watching that video.

Marc Bolan - The Third Degree

Terry - Third War

I put that into youtube and this is what came up.

Brian Eno - Third Uncle

No Age - Third Grade Rave

Michael Gibbs - And on the Third Day

Roj - Attaining the Third State

Wow. You really outdid yourself this week, Swede. Although I was surprised you missed this...

Bob Dylan - Three Angels

What do you say, Swiss Adam?

Fucking hell, Swede!

Well, there's no need to swear.

(But, quite.)

Arab Strap - Packs of Three

Still makes me laugh.

Jane's Addiction - Three Days

Television Personalities - Three Wishes

KLF - 3am Eternal

You might not expect it of me, but I always loved the KLF. While most other dance music in the late 80s / early 90s made me want to put my head in the oven, Bill Drummond always made me smile.

Over to John Medd...

I'll go for anything off Squeeze's Packet of 3 EP, though 'Cat on a Wall' would be my lead track. Doesn't count, you say? Breaking some sort of code violation? Can't you invoke a Mornington Crescent style override? Go on, you know you want to!

With only two weeks (three if I can be bothered with a zero postscript - the jury's still out) left, I'm feeling charitable.

Squeeze - Cat On A Wall

Over to Rigid Digit for some fine suggestions...

Manic Street Preachers - 3 Ways To See Despair

Lightning Seeds / Baddiel & Skinner - Three Lions

(I might as well throw this in as a response: Los Campesinos! - Every Defeat A Divorce (Three Lions))

Van Halen - Sucker In A 3 Piece

From the gloriously named OU812.

Pink Floyd - Pigs (3 Different Ones)

This is the point at which Pink Floyd floats off into space as far as I'm concerned.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Gimme Three Steps

Emerson Lake and Palmer - The Three Fates

I bet that one will go down well with certain correspondents.

Lily Allen - Three

The White Stripes - The Big Three Killed My Baby

and a special one to finish off with:

Dawn - Knock Three Times

That would definitely have been in my Top Ten.

By the way, if anyone wants to know what my hair looks like in Week 732 of Lockdown, I suggest you take a look at Tony Orlando in that video. I keep my chest hair under wraps though.

I also think that video was shot in Greenhead Park in Huddersfield.

Time for Jim in Dubai to step up to the mic...

Belle & Sebastian - The Power of 3

Jamie Wednesday - We Three Kings of Orient Aren't (Pre Carter USM)

The Royal We - Three is a Crowd

The Look - Three Steps Away

They Might Be Giants - Number 3

Always loved that one.

The Lambrettas - Another Day Another Girl (Page 3)

That's a historical artefact.

Ten Pole Tudor - 3 Bells in a Row

Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #3

All of which brings us to Douglas, who's still smarting that I compared one of his suggestions last time to his less than distinguished countrymen, Nickelback...

I will start by facetiously suggesting for your consideration a trinity of provocative suggestions that are designed to get revenge for your Nickelback allusion of last week, which on behalf of all Canadians I express offence taken at (but you knew that was coming because you were already ducking):

U2 - The Three Sunrises (who of course also have an album entitled "Three", don't they? Sure to get them extra points...)

Looked all over for that one, but couldn't find a link anywhere. It wasn't in my garbage disposal unit or the u-bend on my toilet, which seemed the most obvious places to look.

Sting - Three Steps To Heaven (or what of his critically acclaimed performance in the Threepenny Opera?)

That, on the other hand, I had to look for, just to confirm my worst fears. On the positive side, the clip I found was less than a minute long and sing sang for almost half that time.

(I should clarify at this point that I don't hate Sting in the same way as I hate Bonio and The Hedge. I liked many Police songs and even the occasional sing solo tune - I featured my favourite in this week's Saturday Snapshots. Despite that, he's too easy a target for mockery.)

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here's another clip that's less than a minute long...

Sting in The Threepenny Opera

Phil Collins - Three Brothers (from Disney's Brother Bear soundtrack, no less, though sadly Phil does not actually sing on this one)

I'm sure many people will take issue with your use of the word 'sadly' there, Douglas... but anyway, onto your proper suggestions. Now you've had your revenge...

Now that I have got that off my chest,with greater seriousness, I would offer you a few better selections from what my hard drive pulled up in the following:

Real Estate - Three Blocks

Fleet Foxes - Third of May/Odaigahara

Last leaves - Third Thoughts

For those who do not know this last band, but may be fans of the late Lucksmiths, check them out. They are three of the four original band in Marty Donald, Mark Monnone and Louis Richter but with Noah Symons newly added on the drums. They have a more lo-fi chaotic sound than the polished harmonies of the Lucksmiths, but much of the same sophisticated and wry lyrics. Interesting.

You all realise at this point that I need to invite Douglas to contribute a Guest Post Thursday sometime soon, don't you? (Not just to stop him adding to my workload on the Hot 100, because, let's face it, there's only a couple of weeks of that remaining.)

Then, of course, the Canadian in me, still smarting from the mention of Chad Kroeger, would like to represent our country a lot more palatably with the consideration of:

The Tragically Hip - Three Pistols

(And while I'm cross-promoting, you should have been here a couple of Saturdays ago, Douglas, when it took everyone a bloody long time to guess The Tragically Hip on Saturday Snapshots... even with my hilarious 'dem bones; clue.)

The Great Lake Swimmers - Three Days at Sea (Three Lost Years) (Bonus points again, surely?)

Absolutely. Anything else?

And if you insist on the labelling Canada with the alt-rock/alt-metal brush, we have a band called Three Days Grace you should check out. Perhaps the following, which has garnered 264 million views on Youtube, would adequately express your thoughts on the genre:

Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You

You know what, I quite liked that. Although a little bit of research revealed that their current lead singer was in another band previously who were discovered and signed by Chad Kroeger. Small world, eh?

Still, I preferred the Ugly Kid Joe song.

Oh, wait, Douglas ain't done yet...

...And just to let you know that you are doing a good service to promote great music, a couple of weeks ago, Brian suggested the song "7 Compton Street" by a group I confess to never having heard of before, Me and Dean Martin. Your comment that they sounded a lot like the Smiths intrigued me and I gave the link a listen, and rather liked the track a goodly bit, leading me to check out whatever other selections were on Youtube, and eventually ordering a copy of the album "Let's Romanticise Our Youth". The shiny piece of vinyl arrived in the mail today, and it is turning on the table as I write. Very enjoyable. So in honour of the service you are doing, I propose that the band gets a second chance at stardom, from the same LP:

Me And Dean Martin - Life And Death Issues In Three Minutes

And they still sound like The Smiths. But thanks again to Brian. Speaking of whom...

Thanks for taking the time to type that, Douglas. This makes my day. Some stellar threes on this list. I especially wish I had been the first to suggest Wire, Orange Juice, Ian Dury and the Selecter. My winner, as suggested by Adam, would be Television Personalities with Three Wishes. Here are a few more I like...

The June Brides - Three Days

(That's actually a solo effort by frontman Phil Wilson. The June Brides have performed it though.)

fIREHOSE - Disciples of the 3-Way

Very nice, but they lose points for their sins against typography.

The Elvis Brothers - Count to Three

Ooh! a contender for Elvis Fridays!

(Maybe it occurred to me that as this series will be over soon, I should signpost people to a few of the other series on this blog.)

The Very Most - Dodged Ev'ry Bullet Pt. 3

Very nice, but they lose points for their sins against grammar. You can't intensify a superlative.

The Servants - Faithful to 3 Lovers

Nice bit of Lloyd Cole guitar on that.

The Decemberists - Crane Wife 3

A strong contender.

Friends Again - Moon 3

Northern Picture Library - Untitled No. 3

Paul and Linda McCartney - 3 Legs

Heavenly - Three Star Compartment

Dolly Mixture - Three O'Clock Rhapsody

Nope, couldn't find that one anywhere.

Are ordinal numbers a rule breaker? (If they were, a third of the songs on this list would be gone.) If not, Ramones should take this thing with 53rd and 3rd.

Sadly though, that does fall foul of The Tom Robinson Rule, which we've done pretty well to avoid breaking this far this week.

OK, that's almost it for your suggestions this week. Here's a selection from my own hard-drive not mentioned above. We'll start with a very strong contender...

The Browns - The Three Bells

And then there was this...

Frank Sinatra - Three Coins In The Fountain

Or, if you prefer the British version...

Alan Klein - Three Coins In The Sewer

Lovely.

Here's a load more...

Carly Simon - Three Days

The Charlatans - Opportunity Three

Drive-By Truckers - The Three Great Alabama Icons

Worth a listen if you want to find out more about why Lynyrd Skynrd wrote Sweet Home Alabama, and what Neil Young thought of it.

Fats Domino - Three Nights A Week

Patti Smith - We Three

Jimmy Buffet - Door Number 3

Magnolia Electric Company - The Last 3 Human Words

Miaow - Three Quarters of the Way To Paradise

Red House Painters - Three Legged Cat

The Cure - Three Imaginary Boys

High Llamas - Three Point Scrabble

The Wallflowers - Three Marlenas

Craig Finn - Three Drinks

Eric Church - Three Year Old

(That one will choke up any dads reading this.)

JJ72 - Half Three

Richmond Fontaine - Three Brothers Roll Into Town

Rilo Kiley - Three Hopeful Thoughts

Sinead O'Connor - Three Babies

Chumbawamba - Morality Play in 3 Acts

Interpol - No I In Threesome

Jack White - Three Women

Jenny Lewis - Aloha & the Three Johns

Lucinda Williams - Those Three Days

The Courteeners - Three Months

The Divine Comedy - Threesome

The Divine Comedy - Three Sisters

The Faces - Three Button Hand Me Down

The Lemonheads - Rule of Three

The Proclaimers - Three More Days

The Superman Revenge Squad Band - Paulie in Rocky Three

William Bell - The Three Of Me

Jesse Malin - The Three Martini Lunch

The Breeders - Only In 3s

Eels - 3 Speed

Finally, I'd just like to point of that the Tom Robinson Rule has prevented this from taking the trophy both this week and next. Damn that Tom Robinson Rule!

Meat Loaf - Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad

Which brings us to this week's winner.

Or winners.

And for that, we have to go back to Martin, who began his suggestions this week thus:

I like how you teased De La Soul in your closing line, Rol, but that's just called "The Magic Number", isn't it, so I can't pitch that one.



What Martin appears to have forgotten, however, is this...



Which is a more direct cover of the original song (that De La Soul adapted), by Bob Dorough (also suggested by The Swede), which was originally written for an educational TV show called Schoolhouse Rock...


And so this week, we have not one winner... but three. Which seems rather appropriate.

Will there be two winners next week?

You tell me...

My Top Ten Detective Songs (Volume 1)

Here's one I originally ran on the old blog, ten years (or so) ago. As very few people remember the old blog, I don't mind re-using posts from it every now and then... although whenever I do, I inevitably end up wondering what I would add to the list if I were to compile it again today. Hence 'Volume 1' above, giving me the option of doing a Volume 2 soon.

From Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe to Morse, Addison & Hayes, Monk and Sherlock, I've always loved detective stories. Here are ten tributes in song...


10. Hall & Oates - Private Eyes

Always good to start with a bit of Hall & Oates. Weed out the musos before we go any further.

9. Reverend & The Makers - Armchair Detective

Armchair detective, what you surmising?
A fountain of knowledge in times of crisis
Opinions like arseholes on days like today; everyone's got one
You'd best say it quick while it's fresh in your mind, say it before it's forgotten

Just 'cos you shout loudest don't mean that you're right

Sage advice from a right gobshite.

8. They Might Be Giants - (She Was A) Hotel Detective

She's got her ear to the walls and she's tappin' the calls
If you've got a secret boy, forget about it!

VI Warshawski would approve.

(A prize to anyone who remembers VI Warshawski.)

7. The Thompson Twins - We Are Detective

I put this on a mixtape for Sam the other week and it still sounds great.

6. Arab Strap - Love Detective

A man plays detective on a cheating lover. Don't ever read her diary, you're bound to regret it. From the undisputed kings of sleazy bedroom angst.

5. Robert Palmer - Looking For Clues

I'd been hired to track down a lead on why Robert Palmer was still considered uncool when he left us so many great songs like this one. File that one under 'Unsolved'.

4. Superman Revenge Squad - Been A Private Detective For 17 Months

Been a Private Detective for Seventeen Months
Don't do it for money, just do it for love
Like last night when my client got over excited
When his wife had an orgy and he wasn't invited
We sat in the car taking pictures and smoking
My client just sat there eating mini cheddars and hoping
His wife was thinking of him every time she kisses someone else's lips
She's thinking of him, and in her mind's eye those groping eyes are his
And in her mind's eye those peeping hands are his
And in her mind's eye every ounce of flesh, that gets inside her dress, is his...

Superman Revenge Squad win points for writing the only song I can think of that namechecks Mini Cheddars.

3. Dire Straits - Private Investigations

And what have you got at the end of the day?
What have you got to take away?
A bottle of whiskey and a new set of lies
Blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes

Mark Knopfler is obviously a Chandler fan.

2. Elvis Costello - Watching The Detectives

You may have expected this to be #1.

She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake.

Your investigation ends here...

1. Hamell On Trial - The Long Drive

My favourite detective song, from the Chandleresque mind of Ed Hamell. Pure bottled noir in a song.




Mystery solved - but which clues did I ignore ten years ago? Who should feature in Volume 2, when I re-open the case?

My Top Ten Girls vs. Boys Songs

Ten girl songs versus ten boy songs. Who will come out on top?


10. Generation X - Modern Boys vs. Sheena Easton - Modern Girl

Billy Idol vs. Sheena Easton... who would you put your money on?

The boys outnumber the girl here, but they teach 'em to fight tough in Glasgow.

Sheena takes the first victory for the ladies.

9. Morrissey - Girl Least Likely To vs. Boy Least Likely To - The Battle of the Boy Least Likely To

Regular viewers will realise we can't let Morrissey win one of these - not even to a band who named themselves after one of his songs. I say because it's because he needs to maintain that perpetual losing streak, you probably say it's because he's a nazi.

The boys make it one all.

8. Alison Moyet - Ode To Boy vs. Carl Barat - Ode To A Girl

Well, obviously this one goes to Alison... although that does mean the boys go one up.

7. The Seekers - Georgie Girl vs. Jack Lukeman - Georgie Boy

"Jack who?" you cry. Surely Judith Durham claims a victory here.

Except...

There's something about the perkiness of Georgie Girl that has the worst kind of 60s sound to my ears... and that Jack Lukeman track is pretty damned good, actually.

3-1 to the boys! Oh no!

6. Death Cab For Cutie - Some Boys vs. Racey - Some Girls

So to get the girls back in the game, I have to choose RACEY over Death Cab For Cutie.

Thank god I'm uncool.

3-2.

5. Voice of the Beehive - Stupid Boy vs. Garbage - Stupid Girl

Very cool Beehive song (great lyrics too), but Shirley wins this one, bringing us back to level-pegging.

3-3

4. Freddie Mercury & Montserrat Caballe - The Golden Boy vs. John Martyn - Golden Girl

A nice simple acoustic John Martyn song vs. the operatic pomp of Freddie & Montserrat, a track from the Barcelona album which I've not listened to in ages. I was almost about to give this one to the girls too, but around the 2 1/2 minute mark, Freddie only goes and blows the bloody doors off. Wow.

4-3 to the boys.

3. Andrew Gold - Lonely Boy vs. Lucinda Williams - Lonely Girls

I'm going to confess something now... for many years, I considered Andrew Gold's Lonely Boy to be a masterpiece on a par with Morrissey's I Have Forgiven Jesus in regard to describing how my life felt... in fact I think I may have listened to it a bit too much.

On the other hand, I first heard Lonely Girls on an Uncut compilation CD and it was probably the track that introduced me to Lucinda Williams.

4 all.

2. Don Henley - Boys of Summer vs. Arab Strap - Girls of Summer

Arab Strab are hilarious, and this is one of their best.

But... Boys of Summer is one of the greatest songs of the 80s, and one of the best summer songs ever recorded. I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac...

5-4 to the boys.

1. The Cure - Boys Don't Cry vs. Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Big Girls Don't Cry

Too close to call, surely?



Let's call it a draw to keep everyone happy...


But what would your verdict be? Boys or girls? Whoever wins, the losers don't cry...

My Top Ten Contraception Songs

I'm sure there are hundreds of pop songs which have caused a conception or two (Barry White's entire back catalogue?) but here are ten that might help stop you getting pregnant...


10. Gang of Four - At Home He's a Tourist

According to iffypedia, "Gang of Four's music brought together an eclectic array of influences, ranging from the neo-Marxist Frankfurt School of social criticism to the increasingly clear trans-Atlantic punk consensus". Fortunately, the music they made was nowhere near as pretentious as some of their fans! Plus, they were from Leeds, so extra marks for that.

Down on the disco floor 

They make their profit 

From the things they sell 

To help you cob off 

And the rubbers you hide 

In your top left pocket

I was ten when The Belle Stars released The Clapping Song. Oh, the fun we had on school trips singing "And she won't buy me a rubber Johnny" on the coach home... much to the consternation of our teachers. It was right up there with "Charlie had a budgie".

9. The Beautiful South - Mini-Correct

They say always use a condom , 

I say always use a whip 

They say be careful where you come at night , 

I just shoot straight from the hip 

These neatly folded corduroys 

Hide rubber underneath 

But the only rubber you have worn 

Is that useless rubber sheath

Who knew Paul Heaton was so kinky? No one, actually. This is him playing the role of a sexist oaf to criticise mile chauvinist wankers who sew their seeds wherever they can and care little for the consequences.

8. The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly

Of course, "jelly" is what the Americans call jam, so this might be a song about that...

She don't use jelly

Or any of these

She uses Vaseline

Vaseline

Vaseline...

Or perhaps not.

(Of course, like many Lips songs, it could just be utter nonsense.)

7. The Clash - Protex Blue

Condoms are often accused of stripping the romance out of lovemaking. Enter the anti-romantic Mr. Strummer...

It's a fab protective for that type of a girl

But everybody knows that she uses it well

It's a therapeutic structure I can use at will

But I don't think it fits my V.D. bill

6. Prince - Little Red Corvette

This is only Number 6 because it also featured in last week's Top Ten. Otherwise, it'd be a shoe-in for #1 in any chart.

I guess I must be dumb

'Cause you had a pocket full of horses

Trojan and some of them used

But it was Saturday night

I guess that makes it all right

And you say what have I got to lose?

The very fact that Trojan is the name of a brand of condoms... you could write a thesis on that.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Spare Parts

Bobby said he'd pull out 

Bobby stayed in 

Yeah, how effective is that withdrawal method anyway, Bobby?

Janey had a baby 

It wasn't any sin 

Exactly.

4. Arab Strap - Packs Of Three

Hated having to vote against this in this week's ICA World Cup. But you've got to go some to make me vote against Lloyd.

(Do I need to put a "Not Safe For Work" or "Not For The Easily Offended" sticker on this one?)

3. Loretta Lynn - The Pill

Could also have been Number One, had it not already enjoyed that honour in My Top Ten Hotpants Songs.

There's a gonna be some changes made 

Right here on nursery hill 

You've set this chicken your last time 

'Cause now I've got the pill

You tell 'em, girl!

2. The Specials - Too Much Too Young

"You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me": as chat-up lines go, Terry & Jerry, that takes some beating. Got anything else to add?

Take control of the population boom 

It's in your living room 

Keep a generation gap 

Try wearing a cap!

(I know a radio station that edited the last line off this track if they ever played it on air.)

1. Madness - House of Fun

It had to be really, didn't it? Arguably Madness's finest moment: getting to the top of the charts with a song about a 16 year old trying to buy condoms from the chemist. Genius.

I'm sorry, son

But we don't stock

Party gimmicks

In this shop.

Try the House of Fun

It's quicker if you run

This is a chemist

Not a jokers' shop!

Any planned parenthood anthems in your pack of three?

I'm waiting for someone to suggest This Mortal Coil.

And I'm ready to argue that Rubber Ring is about vinyl records...

Saturday Snapshots #19: The Answers

Yes, that's Kylie. Deal with it.


By the way, I'm only going to explain the clues from now on if they're really obscure...


10. Home for mad spirits. Where's the brakes!?!

Soul Asylum - Runaway Train

First point to Charity Chic.

9. Smaller than a superstar collie, sighing at trucks.

Lassie was a superstar collie. A smaller Lassie would be Alessi.

Alessi - Oh, Lori

I knew Alyson would get this one. George was miffed!

8. Kinda like this blog... hardly a firecracker!

This blog is kinda like My Life Story. It's hardly a firecracker, is it?

My Life Story - You Don't Sparkle

As I compile these results, nobody has got this. I fully expect Martin to swoop in at the last minute and nab it.

UPDATE: Just before I was about to turn off the computer and go to bed (hey, listen, 9.30 is all I can manage on a Saturday night), my prediction came true. I knew I could count on you, Martin!

7. Beware of this (unabbreviated) spinning lady... she's coming for New York!

A Spinning Jenny, unabbreviated, would be Jennifer.

Beware is a warning.

Jennifer Warnes - First We Take Manhattan 

Another point for CC.

6. Mental illness? Climb a mountain in the Med.

Cyprus Hill? Don't you know I'm loco?

Cypress Hill - Insane In The Brain

From Jennifer Warnes to Cypress Hill - CC gets much respect this week!

5. Art makes Hazlewood a prisoner for drinking sugary pop from Korea.

Art = Arthur.

Putting Hazlewood in prison would make him a Con-Lee.

Seoul is the capital of South Korea.

Do you like good music?

Arthur Conley - Sweet Soul Music

And another one for the Charity-meister! He obviously had three Shredded Wheat on Saturday morning.

4. Steve & Charlie chew it over.

Steve Strange.

Charlie Rich.

Cud - Rich & Strange

Yes, kids, this is what 1992 looked like.

1/2 a point to George, 1/2 a point to Rigid Digit.

3. Created to adore... and smooch.

Kiss (without their make-up!) - I Was Made For Loving You

C stole this one out from under Alyson.

2. Good for staying up and larging it on Saturday & Sunday.

Ahem. If you don't know what an Arab Strap is, you're probably better off not googling it.

Arab Strap - The First Big Weekend

General agreement that this must be The Alexander Brothers with Nobody's Child... a song I'd never heard before, but I can see why you might think I'd like it. Having watched the video, I reckon there's a distinct possibility Aiden & Malcolm posed for that photo with said brothers in mind.

It took my extra "Think Belle & Sebastian" clue to direct RD to the correct answer.

1. What Bond got LOADS.

Sometimes the clues just write themselves.

George took a couple of shots, but nailed his target in the end.




Congratulations to this week's undisputed champion: Charity Chic. Thanks, as always, for playing along.

Back next Saturday with ten more badly disguised "classics" from the depths of my music library...

My Top Ten Pig Songs

In a change to the advertised Top Ten (we'll get back to Gene songs next week), here's a Top Ten for Number 10. You might call it schadenfreude... I call it just desserts. But then, I'm from Yorkshire, and as Dodgy Dave will tell you... we hate everyone.


10. The Beatles - Piggies

I thought long and hard about whether to include this one. The White Album is my favourite Beatles LP (on the days I don't prefer Abbey Road) and George is my favourite Beatle, so theoretically I should like it. In truth though, the lyrics sound like they've been written by a 6th Former who's read Animal Farm and is just discovering that people are pretty shitty... which is probably why the song was quoted by Charles Manson as justification for the murders of Sharon Tate et al.

In the end, I was swayed to give it a mention by the wag who has added the following line to its iffypedia entry this week...

"This is British Prime Minister David Cameron's favourite Beatles song."

I wonder how long before that gets edited out?

(Plus, Piggies is better than Pink Floyd.)

9. Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs 

What can I say...? I have a soft spot for ludicrous cartoon metal songs based on nursery rhymes, especially when their videos are made out of plasticine. Shoot me.

8. Canned Heat - Sic 'Em, Pigs

Despite being critical of my good friends in the Los Angeles Police Department, this hippie blues boogie from my Best of Canned Heat album wins a place on the chart (beating out fine contenders such as Black Sabbath, Nine Inch Nails, The Cocteau Twins, Jane's Addiction and Nina Simone) because it's the only pig song I own in which the singer performs pig snorts as part of his vocal - pretty authentic ones, too.  

This track was banned by many US radio stations as it ends with a mock recruitment call to join the LAPD in which one of the band reads out the copshop's actual phone number... which is a cool bit of hippy protest nonsense the Dude would be proud of.

7. Elvis Costello & The Brodsky Quartet - Swine

Big Elv's dalliance with "classical" music worked better than expected. Here, he lets the Brodsky Quartet do most of the heavy lifting before going off on what sounds like a typically vicious lyrical rant... although, apparently, he didn't write those lyrics alone: the quartet chipped in with all the words on this album, a series of letters to Juliet Capulet, of which this is probably the nastiest.

You're a swine
And I'm saying
That's an insult to the pig...

6. The Sir Douglas Quintet - Bacon Fat

Class old rock 'n' roll number - if in doubt, invent a wacky dance and name it after a favourite foodstuff. Doug Sahm had a surprisingly long career (this is the only one of his songs I own, but it's not even mentioned on the band's lengthy iffypedia discography), though it appears he only had one actual hit (1966's She's About A Mover - also worth a listen if you have the time). 

5. Arab Strap - Piglet

Philophobia is arguably the best Arab Strap album even if it does leave you feeling like you need a good wash after listening to it. Here, Aidan Moffat details what happens when he looks through his girlfriend's copy of Winnie The Pooh while she's in the shower... and discovers a terrible truth she's been hiding. Things go pretty bad from there and the song ends with one of the bitterest put downs ever committed to vinyl / digital media. 

And when we were with your friends 
I just as might as well have been no one. 
And you can't get over your dead dog 
Well, it takes one to know one.

4. Meat Loaf - In The Land Of The Pig, The Butcher Is King

(Yes, but who's the Prime Minister?)

I'm still waiting on that new Meat / Steinman album that was promised earlier in the year. Here's one of their lesser collaborations: yes, it does sound a little Steinman-by-numbers with lines such as "they're the plugs and we're the sockets"... though apparently it was originally written for a Batman Musical he was involved with.

Can you imagine that? A Batman Musical sounds like a really bad idea (remember that dreadful Spider-Man one?)... unless you got Jim Steinman to compose the music. Then... it just might work, in a mad Tim Burton-esque. Sadly, it was never to be.

3. Suede - We Are The Pigs

(Well, quite. Some might argue that the truth behind these outrageous allegations really doesn't matter... even if DC didn't do it to a dead pig, he and over-privileged ilk have been doing it to the people of this country for years. We are the pigs.)

We Are The Pigs is a weird Suede song. It was the debut single from their second album, released just as Bernard Butler quit. A much darker record than the first one, it came out while the rest of Britpop was having a knees up. I think it stands up pretty well with the passage of time, though there were stronger tracks on Dog Man Star. This video was also banned for awhile... for being "too violent" or criticising the establishment? Nobody in Suede read out any British police phone numbers (999?) during the recording.

2. Admiral Fallow - Squealing Pigs

I like to think of Admiral Fallow as a 21st Century Deacon Blue... which is a little unfair to Ricky Ross and his pals, since they're still in the go and producing fine records. It's a better comparison than the "Scottish Mumfords" tag I've seen them labelled with elsewhere though, especially considering the downward trajectory of Mr. Mumford and his offspring of late.

Squealing Pigs was AF's debut single and is still one of their best... though I haven't heard their new album yet. 

1. Morrissey - Life Is A Pigsty

The epic centrepiece of Mozzer's 2006 album Ringleader of the Tormentors, and only he could have written a song with that title... at what point does it become self-mockery, eh, Moz? Reminiscent in places of Meat Is Murder (yet much more palatable), this actually goes a bit Space Oddity about halfway through... and is all the better for it.

I can't wait to hear what Moz thinks of Mr. Cameron now... 





Which is your bacon sandwich?

My Top Ten First Time Songs

If this is your First Time... I hope it's not your worst time.



10. Spearmint - First Time Music

7 minutes and 39 seconds, and not a second of it is wasted. Spearmint: should have been million sellers.

9. Foreigner - Feels Like The First Time

Yes, I said Foreigner. What's your problem? Don't you like Foreigners?

8. Mercury Rev - First-Time Mother's Joy (Flying)

The Rev at their most magical.

7. Billy Joel - Get It Right The First Time

He doesn't believe in first impressions... says the bloke who copped off with Christie Brinkley.

Still, look how that ended up.

6. Arab Strap - The First Time You're Unfaithful

As bleakly, morbidly, scathingly hilarious as you'd expect from a song with that title from this band.

5. Barenaked Ladies - Falling For The First Time

I'm so cool - too bad I'm a loser.

Great opening line, which could easily have made it onto Monday's Top Ten too.

How many extra hits will I get for featuring both Arab Strap and Barenaked Ladies in this post?

4. Bobby Goldsboro - Summer (The First Time)

Young Bobby's first time is with a woman twice his age... shocking!

I swear I've heard this covered by somebody cooler, but I can't for the life of me think who.

3. Stars - The First Five Times

I was pleased to discover that Stars are still together, recording and touring, since I've heard very little from them since this, from their excellent 2004 album Set Yourself On Fire. The First Five Times tells you about exactly what you think it's going to, right down to an old man watching from a tree. When you get to my age, you grab your thrills wherever you can.

2. Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Written by Ewan MacColl, recorded by everybody from Elvis and Johnny Cash to Celine Dion and the Stereophonics, but it's Roberta's version that beats them all... particularly for fans of Play Misty For Me. 


1. Pulp - Do You Remember The First Time?

Jarvis can't remember a worse time.

Don't watch the video if you've had too much to drink tonight.





If it was your First Time, do leave a comment and introduce yourself.