Title Fight #2: Dead Pets & Big Toe Holders

We're back with more great song titles dredged up from the darkest recesses of my hard drive... and some from yours too. Do any of them live up to their names?

For your consideration today...

1. Alice Cooper - I'm Alive (That Was The Day My Dead Pet Returned To Save My Life) 

Brackets are a wonderful thing in song titles, aren't they? Although I have to admit there's a part of me that always hears the diabolical James Saville reading the title out as he used to do on the wireless, saying "open bracket... close bracket".

Sam and I were listening to an old compilation in the car last week. When Alice Cooper's Hey Stoopid! came on, Sam said, "good old Alice!" 

I've also been listening to Mr. Furnier's latest record, Road. It's a lot better than a heavy rock album by a 75 year old man should be. 

This one comes from way back in 1982 though, when he was younger than all of us. Taken from the wince-inducing album Zipper Catches Skin.

2. My Life Story - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Jake Shillingford's My Life Story were firm favourites in my house for at least five minutes in the late 90s. This is from their third album, Joined Up Talking.

Because you can't copyright a song title - even a great one - American rockers Mayday Parade were free to write their own song with the same name, and that's the one you're more likely to come across via your search engine of choice. (Does anybody actually use Bing?) It can't hold a candle to My Life Story, if you ask me.

Mayday Parade - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

3. Gary Stewart - She's Actin' Single (I'm Drinkin' Doubles)

Charity Chic was keen to remind me that country songwriters are an excellent source of great titles, and he recommended one of his favourites from Gary Stewart. My hard drive is full of country singers drowning their sorrows in booze after getting dumped, but as Gary Stewart was the "king of honky tonk", he appears to have spent more time than most propping up the bar. He was also responsible for She's Got a Drinking Problem, Hey, Bottle of Whiskey and An Empty Glass (That's the Way the Day Ends) among many others. 

Tragically, Gary Stewart took his own life following the death of his wife in 2003.

4. Captain Beefheart - I Wanna Find A Woman That'll Hold My Big Toe Till I Have To Go

Next up, George wants us to consider the late Don Glen Vliet, famed for his wacky song titles... well, wacky everything, I guess, including, presumably, 'bacca. We could be here all day with the likes of...

When I See Mommy I Feel Like A Mummy

A Carrot Is As Close As A Rabbit Gets To A Diamond

Making Love To A Vampire With A Monkey On My Knee

Hey Garland, I Dig Your Tweed Coat

...but I chose to highlight George's initial suggestion, from the 1970 album, Lick My Decals Off, Baby.

5. Crawlers - Would You Come To My Funeral?

Bang up to date for our final offering today, and Liverpool's Crawlers, who release their debut album, The Mess We Seem To Make, next year. This is the latest offering from a band who have previously released tracks called Feminist Radical Hypocritical Delusional, Hang Me Like Jesus and Fuck Me (I Didn't Know How To Say). 

I hope I don't get an invite to any of their funerals any time soon.

Best title? Best song? Are they the same? You decide...

Snapshots #291 - A Top 25 King Songs

In lieu of pledging allegiance to our new King, which I'm not about to do because I'M NOT A 17TH CENTURY KNIGHT, here are 25 songs in his "honour"...

25. Slip severely and jumble.

"Slip severely" is an anagram.

Elvis Presley - King Creole

24. Trendy appliance.

Fad Gadget - King of the Flies

23. Stare at the text closely.

Stare at the teXT Closely.

XTC - King For A Day

22. Musk without Nitrogen.

Take the N from Elon...

ELO - Rock n Roll Is King

Now that's a king I will pledge allegiance too!

21. This is what happens when you go out in the cold without a proper top on, ladies.

The Nipple Erectors - King of the Bop

Shane MacGowan's first band!

20. They say it all started in Wuhan...

China Crisis - King In A Catholic Style

19. They were probably mild-mannered.

Remember Penry, the mild-mannered janitor...?

The Janitors - Good To Be The King

18. A peach from the same town as John's angel.

John Prine sang of an Angel From Montgomery. Peach Melba.

Melba Montgomery - King of Kings

17. Derek Dick's having a wobble.

Derek Dick is Fish. Jelly wobbles.

Jellyfish - The King Is Half Undressed

16. Their leader crashed his bike.

Look out, look out, look out!

The Pack - King of Kings

15. What will you find inside Bob's adequate box?

Bob'S ADEquate box.

Sade - Your Love Is King

14. Eureka! Reno is where you'll find the solution.

EureKA REN O

Karen O - King

13. Hi-didly-ho, Glenn & Roger!

"Hi-didly-ho," is what Ned Flanders might say to Glenn & Roger Miller.

Ned Miller - From A Jack To A King

12. Brendan, all a muddle.

"Brendan" is an anagram.

Dan Bern - King of the World

11. Candy, Denver, Legend.

The Three Johns - King Car

10. Maybe she's caught a chill.

She looks a bit shivery to me.

Shivaree - Cannibal King

9. Michael Holliday had something similar.

Michael Holliday sang about the Story Of My Life.

My Life Story - The King Of Kissingdom

8. A big hit out of Radio Nowhere.

RaDIO Nowhere

Dion - King of the New York Streets

7. Tips for colouring.

Felt Tips are good for colouring.

Felt - Dismantled King is Off the Throne

6.  Anagram? Shh!

Graham Nash - I Used To Be A King

5. Sounds like Jack's aircrafts.

Jack White has quite a few planes by now, I'd imagine...

White Plains - When You Are A King

4. Thinly plot a mix up.

"Thinly plot" is an anagram.

Phil Lynott - King's Call

3. Where the Green Giant's son lives.

The Green Giant's son was called Sprout. He was like the Scrappy Doo of sweetcorn adverts.

I understand he lived in a prefab.

Prefab Sprout - The King of Rock n Roll

2. Something that gets passed down in the family.

Genes are hereditary.

Gene - We Could Be Kings

1. He tolls to conquer.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for William the Conqueror...

William Bell - A Tribute To A King

Just ten Snapshots for you next Saturday morning. I do like to get out of the house occasionally.

Hot 100 #12

D12 (which stands for Dirty Dozen) was the rap band Eminem was in before he became famous. He got the old gang back together a few years later, notably for the song below...

D12 - Purple Hills

Before we get onto the actual 12 songs, C wondered if there were any dozens out there?

Rigid Digit found a couple...

The Damned - Dozen Girls

Bob Mould - Thirty Dozen Roses 

To which I will add...

Queen - A Dozen Red Roses For My Darling

...which is a Roger Taylor instrumental b-side, so don't get too excited.

OK, on with the show, and The Swede kicks off this week with the following...

Soft Machine Legacy - Twelve Twelve

(Double points?)

If you want, Swede. It'll make up for the great shame you have to face in a few moments...

Wayne Shorter - Twelve More Bars to Go

Elvis Costello & the Attractions - Twenty Five to Twelve

That last one was obviously in serious contention round these parts.

The Swede's shame, however, comes from not remembering the following... fortunately, Lynchie was on hand to remind him.

Bob Dylan - Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

Those of you with better memories than me (or The Swede) may remember that that song won #35 on the Hot 100 Countdown, and at the time I remarked: "don't expect it to show up again at number 12. I can easily think of a dozen songs that would come before it." Which may have been an exaggeration on my part, but I have to stick to my word.

Lynchie also offered the following diverse bag...

The Decemberists - 12 17 12

Tchaikovsky - 1812 Overture (especially the bit with cannons!)

The Muppets and John Denver - The Twelve Days of Christmas

(Which might have won a few months back.)

John Medd was up next, with another fine suggestion...

Nick Lowe - 12 Step Program

While Rigid Digit remarked: no point nominating Bob or Nick (although I advocate both) because it's already been done, so ...

Modern English - Chapter 12

Scouting For Girls - Michaela Strachan You Broke My Heart (When I Was 12)

Rigid Digit also threw us a curveball: in keeping with my usual noisy contributions, howsabout...

Donny Osmond - Twelfth Of Never

That was obviously a popular suggestion with Alyson, who says: it was one of my first singles. I also had a Donny pillowcase and a Donny Cap (not a euphemism for a form of contraception as I was only aged 12 - apt). 

Well, I suppose that's less embarrassing than Respect Yourself by Bruce Willis. Sadly, the only version I own of that song comes from this fellow...

Elvis Presley - The Twelfth Of Never

Alyson also offers this one, and something else we'll come back to later...

Brian Poole and the Tremeloes - Twelve Steps to Love

Can you believe we are now 88 posts into this series? Seems no time since we were discussing those Red Luftballons.

I know. Doesn't time fly when you're... erm... whatever we're doing right now?

Jim in Dubai was up next with an eclectic selection...

The Strokes - 12:51

Colin and the Clarys - 12 Times Over 

Wire - 12 X U

(Although I do have to query whether that's a 12 or a 1-2.)

The AK Band - 8-3-12

It was a welcome return from Marie next, with these three gems... well, two gems and a Beatles out-take.

Little Walter - Quarter to Twelve

Rev. Blind Gary Davis - Twelve Gates to the City

(Being a child of the 80s, I always smile when I see the Rev. Blind Gary Davis.)

The Beatles (from Anthology 2) - 12-Bar Original

Speaking of welcome returns, after my plea last week, Douglas McLaren returned to explain where he's been recently... and it seems as though life is pretty unpleasant for teachers in Canada... as I can attest it is in the UK. His explanation below sounds very familiar to these ears...

...our entire school system has moved during these times to an online platform, as we figure out how to get teenagers to do work from home while they are stressed and concerned about what is going on in the world beyond their doors. And that has meant trying g to figure out how to upload video lectures, hold virtual office hours online, screencasting, web-textbooks, and a whole lot of other insanely time consuming nonsense for an old dinosaur of the classroom like me to learn.

You have my sympathy, Douglas, as all this has nearly broken me over the past few weeks, not to mention the fact that Louise is also supposed to be working from home and we've got to home-school Sam while we're doing it. If I read one more article about "how to spend your free time" or "what to watch on Netflix now we're all at home, taking it east", I'm going to scream.

Anyway, here's Douglas to tell us about his suggestion for this week...

Great Big Sea are from Newfoundland on Canada's east coast, with their lyrical and folksy "Come And I Will Sing You (The Twelve Apostles)", which I think is worth the listen.

Great Big Sea - Come And I Will Sing You (The Twelve Apostles)

That's great. Thanks, Douglas.

And while we're over that side of the Atlantic, here's Brian...

My head hurts. I put 12 in the search function of my iTunes library and got hundreds and hundreds of 12" versions of songs.

Yes. That is a problem, isn't it, Brian?

It did lead me to My Beat is 125th Street by Eunice Davis... so well worth the dig but no help with this query.

Eunice Davis - My Beat is 125th Street

I think that's stretching it as a 12.

Quite a few repeats from above popped up, but I'll add 12 Bar Blues by NRBQ.

NRBQ - 12 Bar Blues

And finally, an "Unknown" reader (although it could well be one of you regular who forgot to sign in) stole this one from my own list...

The Mamas and the Papas - Twelve Thirty (Young Girls Are Coming To The Canyon)

Speaking of my own list...

Deep breath...

Jimmy Buffett - Twelve Volt Man

The Starlighters - It's Twelve O'Clock

8In8 - Twelve Line Song (That's Amanda Palmer, Neil Gaiman, Ben Folds and Damian Kulash)

Spiritualized - The Twelve Steps

Stephen Duffy & The Lilac Time - The Twelve Tones

The Broken Family Band - Twelve Eyes of Evil

The Pastels - G12 Nights

Suzanne Vega - 12 Mortal Men

Lukas Nelson & The Promise of the Real - 2012 The Happy Ending

Father John Misty - Tee Pees 1-12

Kathleen Edwards - 12 Bellevue

Kimya Dawson - 12 26

Patterson Hood - 12:01

This week's winner though. Alyson got it, but first to name it was Martin who normally spreads his bets over a whole load of tracks but this week was so certain of a win, he piled all his chips onto one bet. And guess what? It paid off...




Makes you wonder why they weren't huge... although I guess a band that size had to sell a heck of a lot of records to break even...

Next week, eleven. After that, things get really tricky. I might need to come up with some new rules...

Hot 100 #17

I have to admit that when Jim in Dubai suggested a band called Seventeen to illustrate this week's edition of the Hot 100, I did wonder if he meant the Indonesian boy band.

Fortunately, he has a much better memory than me for bands long lost in the search engines of google...

Seventeen - Bank Holiday Weekend

Seventeen would, it turns out, grow up to become a little more famous as The Alarm.

Jim also suggested two other 17 bands, the first being an actual boy band... who were "alright" as boy bands go... although they did wear some ridiculous outfits.

East 17 - It's Alright

There was, however, only one band in the running this week...

Heaven 17 - Temptation

But what about 17 songs? Over to The Swede to start us off this week...

The Sex Pistols - Seventeen

I don't know if I should say this in a public forum frequented occasionally by those of the muso persuasion, but while I always appreciated the Sex Pistols for their comedy value... less so for their musical contributions, I'm afraid.

The Swede's next suggestion will definitely throw you down a hole in google if you start trying to find out more about them as I just did...

The Beattles-Ettes - Only Seventeen

...but it's worth saying that this link also caused me to temporarily break the Lime Green Rule for one of my favourite songs from this bunch...

The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There

The Swede also offered...

Four Tet - Two Thousand & Seventeen

Heron Oblivion - Seventeen Landscapes

That latter one is pretty atmospheric, thanks, Swede.

The Swede was also the first to suggest a couple of serious contenders this week, which I'll save for later. But here's something he didn't suggest...

Winger - Seventeen

...can't understand why.

Martin turned up next with "a right old mixed bag this week"...

The Regents - 7-Teen

That one would have fallen outside my search criteria, so thank you.

Stephen Duffy - 17

That one hadn't. Great song.

Tracey Ullman - You Broke My Heart In 17 Places

That one deserves respect, for being a Kirsty MacColl composition. And also because it was next to this on youtube.

And then came Brian with the first of two suggestions... the other one is saved till later...

Stray Cats - (She's) Sexy + 17

Brian wins prizes for the video. They wouldn't allow that these days. Although, to be honest, the woman in the video looks (thankfully) much older than 17, as most "teen" movie stars of the 80s actually were. Michael J. Fox was 24 in Back To The Future.

C seconded a couple of earlier suggestions, then offered up two fine ones of her own...

Ladytron - Seventeen

Saint Etienne - When I Was Seventeen

When I was seventeen

My heart and head was full of brilliant dreams

Assembled in the light of the day

That seems so far away, away

Space and light and dreams

That's all people need and a place to sleep

The music and the songs that you play

Sound so far away, away

Jim in Dubai returned then with some more excellent offerings...

Momus - A Complete History of Sexual Jealousy (Parts 17-24) 

(Already used 7 weeks ago I believe.)

Absolutely.

My Life Story - 17 Reason Why I Love You 

(Extended version of 12 Reasons.....)

...come back in five weeks time!

Bis - Seventeen Hours

Rigid Digit was next to arrive, complaining that "Most of mine have gone again (my first vote is for Sex Pistols - Seventeen. The Regents in second place.)

So what have I got left on me list?"

The Eurythmics - 17 Again

Jet - 17

The Crystals - What A Nice Way To Turn 17 

Top marks for that last one, though I really had you down for seconding The Swede's (non-)suggestion of...

Winger - Seventeen

...just saying.

All of which leaves us with a Top Three Suggestions for this week, which we'll come back to after this message from my hard-drive...

Jim Bob - Seventeen

Superman Revenge Squad - Been A Private Detective For Seventeen Months

Prince - 17 Days

The Supremes - He's Seventeen

Black Box Recorder - Seventeen & Deadly

The Cure - Seventeen Seconds

(Surprised nobody suggested that.)

Foreigner - Seventeen

Courteeners - The 17th

Marina & The Diamonds - Seventeen

Banarama - Seventeen

Kaiser Chiefs - Seventeen Cups

Jens Lekman - Postcard #17

Paul Revere & The Raiders - Just Seventeen

Avi Buffalo - She Is Seventeen

Lady Antebellum - Damn You, Seventeen

Henry Lee Summer - Still Bein' Seventeen

(Yes, it's him again.)

Silver Sun - 17 Times

The Decemberists - 12/17/12

Gil Scott Heron & Brian Jackson - 17th Street

Rick James - 17

David Bowie - 1917

Thomas Dolby - 17 Hills

Strangelove - Extract From A Journal: Nov 17th 1997

Will Hoge - 17

Clint Boon - 17 & Over

Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Opus 17

(Somebody really ought to have remembered that one!)

And finally, before we get onto the heavyweights, a special mention for this old favourite...

Billy Joel - Miami 2017 (Seen the Lights Go Out on Broadway)

OK, then, the Top Three... with additional commentary from you guys...

3. Sharon Van Etten - Seventeen

Swiss Adam says...

Seventeen has a proper emotional heft, capable of giving you a bit of bump and stopping you in your tracks (you meaning me I guess), there's something about the rising chords and Sharon's voice that goes hits the bullseye. The 80s production is what must have sounded familiar to me. I never thought that a song that seems to reference mid- 80s Springsteen would appeal to me so much. In the song Sharon addresses her seventeen year old self and her freedom/ naivety, wanting to warn her about what lies ahead and the poor decisions she'll make but still knowing that she has to go through it all. She also gets pissed off with her younger self who she thinks wouldn't fully like her as she is now, would think she's lost it or sold out or something similar. One of the lines goes 'I used to be free/ I used to be seventeen' and judging by the comments on Youtube it seems that the line and the sentiment affects those much older than that and those around that age equally. I'm eleven years older than Sharon, turn fifty in a few months, and this song definitely nails a feeling, a sense of the loss of youth and the pain of looking back. That's the literal definition of nostalgia isn't it? Nostalgia usually evokes a sentimental looking back, feelings of wistfulness, the rosy glow of the past. But it's literal translation involves looking back with feelings of sadness, of something lost and gone. I don't want to be a person who's nostalgic for being seventeen- there are other 'better' ages to be nostalgic about, it's an age where you're still not fully sure of yourself in a lot of ways, I certainly wasn't, and an age where you know so little despite being so sure you know so much- but this song really does push all those buttons.

2. Stevie Nicks - Edge of Seventeen

Brian suggested this one, and for a while now I thought it would be my front-runner... but only because my memory is shot and I'd neglected to consider this week's winner. That said, I do think this is Ms. Nicks' finest moment... and not just as a solo artist.

1.  Janis Ian - At Seventeen

But yes, this had to be number one. As suggested by The Swede, Lynchie (who encouraged us to check out Tina Fey's karaoke cover of the song in an episode of "30 Rock"), and Alyson, who gave us chapter and verse...

The song was a big hit for Janis in the US in 1975, and although it never appeared in the UK charts, it soon became a staple of the airwaves. The song is about a girl who is somewhat of a social outcast in high school, and so it became a kind of anthem. She was inspired to write the single after reading a newspaper article about a young woman who believed her life would improve after a debutante ball, and her subsequent disappointment when it did not.

All these years later nothing has changed, and with social media to muddy the waters, if anything, things have got worse. I remember the year my daughter and her friends turned 17 and were experiencing the kind of anxieties as recounted in the song. I got them to listen to this song, as I think it summed up how they were feeling. Many nights were spent bemoaning the fact they were not one of The Populars, that group of girls with “clear skinned smiles” who always seem to get the boy.

Not much I can add to that, except... this is a heartbreaker.


Sweet little sixteen next week... I shudder at the prospect.

Saturday Snapshots #19: The Answers

Yes, that's Kylie. Deal with it.


By the way, I'm only going to explain the clues from now on if they're really obscure...


10. Home for mad spirits. Where's the brakes!?!

Soul Asylum - Runaway Train

First point to Charity Chic.

9. Smaller than a superstar collie, sighing at trucks.

Lassie was a superstar collie. A smaller Lassie would be Alessi.

Alessi - Oh, Lori

I knew Alyson would get this one. George was miffed!

8. Kinda like this blog... hardly a firecracker!

This blog is kinda like My Life Story. It's hardly a firecracker, is it?

My Life Story - You Don't Sparkle

As I compile these results, nobody has got this. I fully expect Martin to swoop in at the last minute and nab it.

UPDATE: Just before I was about to turn off the computer and go to bed (hey, listen, 9.30 is all I can manage on a Saturday night), my prediction came true. I knew I could count on you, Martin!

7. Beware of this (unabbreviated) spinning lady... she's coming for New York!

A Spinning Jenny, unabbreviated, would be Jennifer.

Beware is a warning.

Jennifer Warnes - First We Take Manhattan 

Another point for CC.

6. Mental illness? Climb a mountain in the Med.

Cyprus Hill? Don't you know I'm loco?

Cypress Hill - Insane In The Brain

From Jennifer Warnes to Cypress Hill - CC gets much respect this week!

5. Art makes Hazlewood a prisoner for drinking sugary pop from Korea.

Art = Arthur.

Putting Hazlewood in prison would make him a Con-Lee.

Seoul is the capital of South Korea.

Do you like good music?

Arthur Conley - Sweet Soul Music

And another one for the Charity-meister! He obviously had three Shredded Wheat on Saturday morning.

4. Steve & Charlie chew it over.

Steve Strange.

Charlie Rich.

Cud - Rich & Strange

Yes, kids, this is what 1992 looked like.

1/2 a point to George, 1/2 a point to Rigid Digit.

3. Created to adore... and smooch.

Kiss (without their make-up!) - I Was Made For Loving You

C stole this one out from under Alyson.

2. Good for staying up and larging it on Saturday & Sunday.

Ahem. If you don't know what an Arab Strap is, you're probably better off not googling it.

Arab Strap - The First Big Weekend

General agreement that this must be The Alexander Brothers with Nobody's Child... a song I'd never heard before, but I can see why you might think I'd like it. Having watched the video, I reckon there's a distinct possibility Aiden & Malcolm posed for that photo with said brothers in mind.

It took my extra "Think Belle & Sebastian" clue to direct RD to the correct answer.

1. What Bond got LOADS.

Sometimes the clues just write themselves.

George took a couple of shots, but nailed his target in the end.




Congratulations to this week's undisputed champion: Charity Chic. Thanks, as always, for playing along.

Back next Saturday with ten more badly disguised "classics" from the depths of my music library...

My Top Ten Pedantic Songs

I am well know for being a little bit of a pedant. It comes with being an English teacher... and a blogger. But at least I've never written a pedantic song. Unlike these people...

10. Weird Al Yankovic - Word Crimes

Good on Weird Al for parodying the hideous Blurred Lines... and turning it into a pedantic rant about grammar crimes.

Say you got an "I","T"
Followed by apostrophe, "s"
Now what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case
As a possessive
It's a contraction
What's a contraction?
Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words
By the omission of a sound or letter

9. Of Montreal - An Epistle To A Pathological Creep

Kevin Barnes has a pedantic mate he really doesn't like...

He'd explain to you but it would take too long
Why he is right and everybody else is wrong
He'd endeavor friend to make your mind correct
He'd try but he thinks it would take too long too long
It's probably simple math
That keeps him on his elevated path

8. Biffy Clyro - Born On A Horse

...whereas Simon Neil (least rock star name EVER?) doesn't like the way Americans spell and pronounce one particular kind of not-so-heavy metal.

I pronounce it aluminium
'cause there's an I next to the U and M
Now write it down slowly
And read it out fast

7. Harry Connick Jr. - Let's Call The Whole Thing Off

Yes, I know I should have gone with Fred & Ginger. Or Louis & Ella. But I have a special fondness for the HCJr version, even though he's arguing with himself. Seriously though, have you EVER met anyone who says 'po-tah-toe'?

6. William Shatner & Henry Rollins - I Can't Get Behind That

Two grumpy old pedants put the world to rights. I can get behind that.

5. My Life Story - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Charming. You don't need to take things so literally, Jake. You might upset Father John Misty (below).

4. Dan le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip - Thou Shalt Always Kill

Scroobius Pip tells you how to live your life... and gets his knickers in a twist over how the Oxford English Dictionary spells the word 'phoenix'. (He's wrong though.)

3. Half Man Half Biscuit - National Shite Day
 
I defy you to find a more pedantic songwriter than Nigel Blackwell. This is just one example... there are many more available.

I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
After wondering to myself whether or not it should actually be called a train replacement service...

2. Father John Misty - The Night Josh Tillman Came To Our Apartment

FJM gets rather bent out of shape about a lady friend's use of one particular word...

She says, like literally, music is the air she breathes
And the malaprops make me want to fucking scream
I wonder if she even knows what that word means
Well, it's literally not that

He does have a point. Quite literally.

1. Barton Carroll - Past Tense

Barton's girlfriend dumps him when she gets her Master's Degree. She's a grammar nazi too. He's probably better off without her. But the strict ladies do make him weak at the knees...

Now if I ask what's wrong
You say, "It's not you, it's me"
And if I ask who's him?
You say, "It's not him, it's he."
My sentence composition is so far from refined
My participles dangle
Like a fish on a line


OK, my fellow pedants... which pedantic song did I miss out?

My Top Ten April Fool's Day Songs

Ten songs about April Fool's Day, along with ten amazing facts about the artists in question. But which ones are true and which ones are the APRIL FOOL?!?



10. Soul Asylum - April Fool

It was only after failing the audition to play bass in Soul Asylum that Kurt Cobain decided to form Nirvana. As a result, Soul Asylum's place in rock 'n' roll history is set in stone.

9. Aretha Franklin - April Fools

Following her acting debut in the film Blues Brothers, Aretha Franklin briefly considered taking the Kathy Bates role in the film adaptation of the Stephen King novel Misery. She was talked out of it by her good friend George Michael (with whom she duetted on the 1987 Number One, I Knew You Were Waiting For Me).

8. Patti Smith - April Fool 

When 90s singer-songwriter Patti Smyth had a big hit with her Don Henley duet, Sometimes Love Ain't Enough, the original Patti Smith sued her for the right to the pronunciation of her own name. When Patti the first won the case, Patti the second was forced to change the i sound in her name to a y sound to avoid confusion.

7. My Life Story - April 1st

Comedian and Pointless presenter Alexander Armstrong was a member of Jake Shillingford's My Life Story orchestra. He played trumpet on a number of MLS songs, though not, sadly, this one.

6. Del Amitri - April The First

Del Amitri's lead singer & songwriter Justin Currie is a distant relative of infamous Spitting Image puppet and John Major bit on the side, Edwina Curry. (Seriously, April Fool's gags aside... imagine going down in history as "John Major's bit on the side". You've got to have some sympathy for poor Edwina...)

5. Loudon Wainwright III - April Fool's Day Morn

Loudon Wainwright III is actually the fourth generation of Loudon in his family. He just thought III sounded cooler. Then he decided to mess with tradition and call his own son...

4. Rufus Wainwright - April Fools

Rufus wrote the lyrics to one of his best songs, Going To A Town, while under general anaesthetic for an operation on a particularly nasty ingrowing toenail.

3. Kurt Wagner & Cortney Tidwell (KORT) - April's Fool

Lambchop mainman Kurt Wagner was such a fan of Marvel's X-Men comic book in his youth that he wrote a fan letter to the book every month. In recognition of his dedication, writer Len Wein named an X-Man after him. Kurt Wagner: Nightcrawler.

2. U2 - April Fool's Day

Following the success of their 1983 hit New Year's Day, Bono and Thedge briefly considered recording a whole album based around days of the year. The project was soon abandoned, but this track did later resurface as the b-side to their 1987 release, In God's Country (not a big hit, probably because it was the SEVENTH single from The Joshua Tree). I'm not the world's biggest U2 fan, but I do think this is one of the best things they ever recorded.

1. Kenny Rogers & The First Edition - Just Checked In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

My favourite April Fool's song doesn't actually have April Fool in the title. It does feature in the lyrics though...

Someone painted April Fool in big black letters on a Dead End sign
I had my foot on the gas as I left the road and blew out my mind
Eight miles outta Memphis and I got no spare
Eight miles straight up downtown somewhere
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

When Kenny disbanded the First Edition in the early 80s to go solo, several other members of the band went on to form New Edition and top the charts with the song Candy Girl.



I'll reveal the answers next week. In the meantime have fun guessing the April Fools...

My Top Ten Tongue Songs

 

Mind if I slip you the tongue... or ten?


10. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue

 Karen O believes in gender equality when it comes to insults...

Boy, you just a stupid bitch,
And girl, you just a no good dick

Not to be confused with Black Tongue by Mastodon which makes Karen's lyrics sound like a Hallmark card... or Silver Tongue by Zulu Winter, who (like many bands) steal their best video ideas from David Lynch and the Coens.

9. Civil Wars - Tip Of My Tongue

Just delicious. Wish they hadn't split up.

8. Mary Gauthier - Slip of the Tongue

Mary regrets getting caught up in the moment and saying something she didn't quite mean...

When I said, "I love you"
It was a slip of the tongue
Love is more than a feeling
It's a way of living everyday
It's the hardest thing I ever gave away

7. PJ Harvey - This Wicked Tongue

So my favourite PJ Harvey album is now 15 years old. Where does the time go?

6. Frank Turner - Hold Your Tongue

Tender acoustic heartache from the rock-punk rebel, with a bitter aftertaste...

Hold your goddamn tongue
You forget yourself.
How could I be the one
If you're wrapped round someone else?

5. REM - Tongue

Don't remember this being released as a single - but Monster had so many great tracks. The rule with Michael Stipe lyrics is that I don't even try to tell you what they're about. Just go with the organtastic groove.

4. Jack White - Trash Tongue Talker

In which Jack White auditions for a guest spot on Jerry Springer. He can talk that trash with the best of them (and Karen O).

Oh well, your mama was a bastard
Had your plastered face all over the scene
You got hassled by your daddy
Always pushing, trying to make you come clean

Apparently the video was directed by Gary Oldman... but as it's a live performance, I guess he didn't have to do much more than show up and tell Jack to get on with it.

3. My Life Story - Sunday Tongue

One of the great lost bands of Britpop, and this was only a b-side, so I was extra pleased to find it on youtube. I wish Britpop was remembered more for bands in the literate/glam Pulp/Suede vein, like MLS, rather than the poshboy pretenders and northern neanderthals...    

2. Talking Heads - Sugar on My Tongue

David Byrne cops off with his neighbour and she performs various acts of a metaphorically culinary nature that get him so excited he asks his friends round to watch.

See also Speaking In Tongues by The Arcade Fire... also with David Byrne (though he doesn't get all that much to do.)

1. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue

The divine Ms. Lewis finds herself faced with a sleazy chat-up line as this song begins - from a shoe repairman at that!

I went to a cobbler
To fix a hole in my shoe
He took one look at my face and said
"I can fix that hole in you."

Luckily, she's more than capable of dealing with this creepy cordwainer and goes on to deliver another classic story song about dropping acid in Dixie and meeting a man with soft hands (unlike, presumably, the cobbler) to soothe her pain.

To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough

So... which one makes you stick your tongue out like Gene Simmons?

My Top Ten Birthday Songs

Because it's March 19th, and I am 41 years old. I know, I don't look a day over 40. (Well, strictly speaking, I'm not. Until tomorrow.)


10. My Life Story - Birthday Suit

It's always a treat to find a Jake Shillingford b-side on youtube.

9. Spearmint - Happy Birthday, Girl

From Spearmint's wonderful Christmas album, Oklahoma, but allowed here because the girl in question's birthday is on Christmas Eve. Other than that, too good to miss out.

8. Trembling Blue Stars - Birthday Girl

Lovely.

7. Elvis Costello & Burt Bacharach - Tears At The Birthday Party

From the best album Costello released in the past 20 years. But then, Burt Bacharach will do that for you.

6. The Cookies - I Want A Boy For My Birthday

Sorry, girls, I'm taken.

5. Eels - Let's Ruin Julie's Birthday

This is what happens when E doesn't get an invite to your party.

E, you're welcome at mine any time.

4. The Beatles - Birthday

Yeah, like they really needed the money that would be generated by writing a birthday song.

Still, great riff.

3. The All-Seeing I featuring Tony Christie - Happy Birthday, Nicola

Lyrics by Jarvis Cocker. Hence: brilliant.

2. The Smiths - Unhappy Birthday

If I wasn't superstitious, this could have been Number One. But do I honestly want to wish myself that?

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
'Cause you're evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)

Thanks, Moz. I can always count on your for a card.

See also It's Not Your Birthday Anymore.

1. Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday

Just before the tipping point where Stevie went from genius to goon. I Just Called To Say I Love You was still a few years off. Plus, it's a tribute to Martin Luther King, so extra point for that. Still, the 80s electric keyboard sounds very Casio. He should have stuck with a proper piano.


Those were my birthday songs. Which do you wish me?

My Top Ten Songs With Reasons

I have ten good reasons why you should listen to this blog post...


10. Franz Ferdinand - You're the Reason I'm Leaving

Was it something I said? (Was it 'cos I told you the band's name is pronounced R-E-M, not "Rem", you bunch of idiot-twits?)

9. The Unbelievable Truth - Higher Than Reason

OK, I'm stretching the criteria to include this one, but it's a lost classic from a songwriter who deserves to be remembered as more than just Thom Yorke's younger brother.

8. Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty - You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

I was introduced to this via the excellent Indelicates cover, which manages somehow to be even more bitchy. Sadly, it's also too ugly for youtube.

7. Jeff Klein - Five Good Reasons

Jeff's got five good reasons why he never sleeps alone. One of them being: he writes some lovely songs.

6. Half Man Half Biscuit - Reasons to be Miserable (Part 10)

Of course, Nigel Blackwell has hundreds of reasons to be miserable. He's built a career writing songs around them. That's why we love him.

See also Paradise Lost (You're The Reason Why).

5. Roddy Frame - Reason To Live

Wow. Forgotten how good this one was.

4. My Life Story - 12 Reasons Why I Love Her

Ah, Jake Shillingford. Where are you now?


Reason #11 is the one I couldn't get down with. She leaves the pie but always eats her greens? Who the heck leaves pie?

3. Tim Hardin - Reason To Believe

Or, you may have reasons to prefer Rod's version. Nothing wrong with that. I, of course, have a very special place in my heart for Bruce's song of the same name... philosophy from roadkill.

2. Frank Turner - Reasons Not To Be An Idiot

Reasons why I love Frank Turner #84.

So why are you sat at home?
You're not designed to be alone
You just got used to saying "no"
So get up and get down and get outside
Cos it's a lovely sunny day
But you hide yourself away
You've only got yourself to blame
Get up and get down and get outside

1. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Reasons To Be Cheerful (Part 3)

If you're struggling to find reasons to be cheerful... any of these should suffice:

Something nice to study
Phoning up a buddy
Being in my nuddy
Saying hokey-dokey 
Singalonga Smokey
Coming out of chokey

Be reasonable - don't just tell me your favourite. Tell me your reasons...

My Top Ten Bonfire Night Songs

Remember, remember, the 5th of November... with 10 songs about bonfire night.

10. My Life Story - November 5th

Jake Shillingford: should have been bigger than the Gallaghers. Was always far more interesting.

9. Ryan Adams - Firecracker

Well, everybody wants to go on forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright

8. Jonny Cola & The A Grades - Fireworks / Gunshots

Every now and then, I find myself rejoicing in the fact that myspace still exists. Couldn't find this one on youtube... but good old myspace - it's not just there for people trapped perpetually in 2005. 

I think they’re fireworks, but they might be gunshots
They look like fireworks, but ring out like gunshots
I hope they’re fireworks, but they burn like gunshots
So bring on the fireworks
And let loose the gunshots

Download this excellent song for just fifty of your English pennies from Bandcamp. You know it makes sense.

7. Tom Robinson - Looking For A Bonfire

Nowadays he's a 6Music DJ playing great records. Back then, he just mad them.

6. Picture Centre - Fireworks October 1990

OK, so strictly speaking Bonfire Night isn't in October. But if it was, this would be the perfect theme.

I always remember as a teenager finding November 5th a tremendously lonely night. One of those nights where all the cool lads with girlfriends hugged them in the light of the bonfire... and I just stepped closer and closer to the flames to keep warm. In 1990, I would be have been 18, so this record is pretty much bang on.

5. John Mellencamp - Cherry Bomb 

 In which JCM models his haircut on JBJ. It must be 1987.

See also same title / different song by Ash or The Runaways (with Joan Jett). Both fine records, but JCM just about edges it for me.

4. Skint & Demoralised - Fireworks

How can you not love a band called Skint & Demoralised? Especially when they make records as wonderful as this. Go press play now.

3. Nick Lowe - Indoor Fireworks

Look, I would post the Elvis Costello original, but I can't find a decent (non-live) version of it on youtube. Still, Nick Lowe also does a good job of Costello songs... and vice-versa.

You were the spice of life
The gin in my vermouth
And though the sparks would fly
I thought our love was fireproof
Sometimes we'd fight in public darling
With very little cause
But different kinds of sparks would fly
When we got on our own behind closed doors

2. Embrace - Fireworks

Look, if you don't think Embrace are the very definition of the last three letters in their name, this song will prove you wrong. Why argue?

1.Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - Born On The 5th of November

Carter write a love song - shock! And it's really quite beautiful... but that's what fireworks are for.

There was November in your eyes
There'd be no pennies for the guys
There were fireworks over London
But you weren't among them anymore...




Those are the songs I'll be hearing as the fireworks erupt over Top Ten Towers tonight... but which one is your sparkler?