I'm sure there are hundreds of pop songs which have caused a conception or two (Barry White's entire back catalogue?) but here are ten that might help stop you getting pregnant...
10. Gang of Four - At Home He's a Tourist
According to iffypedia, "Gang of Four's music brought together an eclectic array of influences, ranging from the neo-Marxist Frankfurt School of social criticism to the increasingly clear trans-Atlantic punk consensus". Fortunately, the music they made was nowhere near as pretentious as some of their fans! Plus, they were from Leeds, so extra marks for that.
Down on the disco floor
They make their profit
From the things they sell
To help you cob off
And the rubbers you hide
In your top left pocket
I was ten when The Belle Stars released The Clapping Song. Oh, the fun we had on school trips singing "And she won't buy me a rubber Johnny" on the coach home... much to the consternation of our teachers. It was right up there with "Charlie had a budgie".
9. The Beautiful South - Mini-Correct
They say always use a condom ,
I say always use a whip
They say be careful where you come at night ,
I just shoot straight from the hip
These neatly folded corduroys
Hide rubber underneath
But the only rubber you have worn
Is that useless rubber sheath
Who knew Paul Heaton was so kinky? No one, actually. This is him playing the role of a sexist oaf to criticise mile chauvinist wankers who sew their seeds wherever they can and care little for the consequences.
8. The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly
Of course, "jelly" is what the Americans call jam, so this might be a song about that...
She don't use jelly
Or any of these
She uses Vaseline
Vaseline
Vaseline...
Or perhaps not.
(Of course, like many Lips songs, it could just be utter nonsense.)
Condoms are often accused of stripping the romance out of lovemaking. Enter the anti-romantic Mr. Strummer...
It's a fab protective for that type of a girl
But everybody knows that she uses it well
It's a therapeutic structure I can use at will
But I don't think it fits my V.D. bill
6. Prince - Little Red Corvette
This is only Number 6 because it also featured in last week's Top Ten. Otherwise, it'd be a shoe-in for #1 in any chart.
I guess I must be dumb
'Cause you had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used
But it was Saturday night
I guess that makes it all right
And you say what have I got to lose?
The very fact that Trojan is the name of a brand of condoms... you could write a thesis on that.
5. Bruce Springsteen - Spare Parts
Bobby said he'd pull out
Bobby stayed in
Yeah, how effective is that withdrawal method anyway, Bobby?
Janey had a baby
It wasn't any sin
Exactly.
4. Arab Strap - Packs Of Three
Hated having to vote against this in this week's ICA World Cup. But you've got to go some to make me vote against Lloyd.
(Do I need to put a "Not Safe For Work" or "Not For The Easily Offended" sticker on this one?)
3. Loretta Lynn - The Pill
Could also have been Number One, had it not already enjoyed that honour in My Top Ten Hotpants Songs.
There's a gonna be some changes made
Right here on nursery hill
You've set this chicken your last time
'Cause now I've got the pill
You tell 'em, girl!2. The Specials - Too Much Too Young
"You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me": as chat-up lines go, Terry & Jerry, that takes some beating. Got anything else to add?
Take control of the population boom
It's in your living room
Keep a generation gap
Try wearing a cap!
(I know a radio station that edited the last line off this track if they ever played it on air.)
1. Madness - House of Fun
It had to be really, didn't it? Arguably Madness's finest moment: getting to the top of the charts with a song about a 16 year old trying to buy condoms from the chemist. Genius.
I'm sorry, son
But we don't stock
Party gimmicks
In this shop.
Try the House of Fun
It's quicker if you run
This is a chemist
Not a jokers' shop!
Any planned parenthood anthems in your pack of three?
I'm waiting for someone to suggest This Mortal Coil.
And I'm ready to argue that Rubber Ring is about vinyl records...