Herman’s Hermits – No Milk Today
In response to last week’s searing indictment of school dinners, Alyson commented…
When I was in Primary School we still got a bottle of milk to drink every morning. In winter it was ice cold but in summer it was very warm and not so nice at all. I remember our teacher standing over one girl every milk time forcing her to finish her bottle of and we all had to wait as it took her a long time, going down only an 1/8th of an inch (pre-decimal times) every minute. Wouldn't happen nowadays of course - not been milk since the days of Thatcher the Snatcher and of course so many children now have intolerances to dairy.
Billy Bragg – The Milkman Of Human Kindness
This opened up a whole can of memory worms for me… but a couple of things first...
Kids do still get school milk – it’s just not free anymore (and not in bottles). Parents have to pay for it – unless they can’t afford, in which case it’s supplemented. Sam’s 10 now and still gets milk at school. He also drinks any leftover cartons he can get his hands on.
(Sam and his mates have likewise formed a Leftovers Club at dinner time. They make sure they’re the last in the dinner queue, then they’re more likely to be offered seconds after everyone’s finished their lunch.)
The Handsome Family – The Sad Milkman
Speaking of an intolerance to dairy though, Alyson… this is exactly what I had when I was a kid. I still do, though it’s a rather odd variety of intolerance. I just can’t drink milk, especially if it’s cold. If I try, it makes me throw up. I’m fine with anything else dairy-related – cheese, yoghurt… no problem. I’m also OK with boiled milk, in certain circumstances. That’s how my mum used to serve me cereal – Weetabix, Frosties, Coco Pops etc… always with hot milk. If I tried to eat them with cold milk… bleurggghh! I’ve never been able to drink milk shakes either. Not without gipping. Sorry, Kelis. You milkshake wouldn't bring me to the yard.
I’m not sure I was aware of all this when I started Primary School, and I doubt my mum thought to mention it. On the first day of school then, out came the school milk bottles… “Drink up, children!”
Bleurgggghhhhh.
My first teacher, Mrs. Kay (picture Julie Andrews, but slightly more posh) was a shrewd lady who quickly realised I couldn’t keep milk down, so she stopped offering it to me. (Saved her having to clean up her classroom every day.) When the school milk came out, I was excused.
And then I moved up a year. That’s when I met Mrs. Tebb.
Mrs. Tebb did not like me. That’s pretty much all I remember about her. Every other teacher at my junior school, I got on with OK. Not Mrs. Tebb though. She hated me. And maybe that’s because of what happened on the day I arrived in her class… but if so, she only brought it on herself.
“Time for your milk, children!”
“But, Mrs. Tebb, I don’t drink milk. It makes me sick.”
“Nonsense. Milk is good for you. It’s good for your teeth and your bones and your everyday health! Milk is nature’s perfect food!”
“But, miss, it makes me sick!”
“Nonsense – get it down you.”
And so, I drank my milk, almost immediately puking it right back up… all over Mrs. Tebb.
“I told you it made me sick, miss.”
Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony
Back in 2007, Sheffield band Tiny Dancers put out their only album on the back of opening for Bob Dylan's UK tour the year before. The LP was called Free School Milk. This was their debut single, released on my 35th birthday.
Here are the Must Have records I bought Hear Unheard this year...
Lloyd Cole - On Pain
I wrote about Lloyd's new album after seeing him play live for the umpteenth time at the end of October. I don't have much to add to that review. It is still on rotation and most of the songs have wormed their way into my good graces, but I'd still prefer it if he got over this 80s electronica phase and went back to making nice safe guitar music. Lyrically though, he's still got it. As the album's opening lines ably demonstrate...
Brett and Rennie Sparks returned with their first album of Gothic Americana in seven years. It's not as immediate as their earlier stuff - age brings a kind of contemplative wisdom to their songwriting, I guess - but it rewards the effort if you're willing to give it time.
Another band I've been following faithfully since the early noughties is Craig Finn's The Hold Steady. Finn has a pretty steady work ethic at the moment, alternating Hold Steady releases with his solo albums... although I have to confess, I'm starting to prefer the latter. The Price Of Progress is the band's ninth album, and it's a good listen, but not quite as good as A Legacy of Rentals, last year's Top 3 offering from Finn on his own.
The Hold Steady - Sideways Skull
One artist who's only entered my Reliable Purchase list over the last couple of years is Willie's boy, Lukas Nelson. He's incredibly prolific - this is his 8th album in 13 years - and pretty much sticks to a formula of hard luck, heartbroken country with much time spent drowning his sorrows in booze, but if you like that kind of thing, he rarely puts a foot wrong.
Lukas Nelson & The Promise Of The Real - Wrong House
It takes quite an effort to become an Old Faithful after only one album, but Hamish Hawk went to the top of the class following his 2021 LP Heavy Elevator. I've been salivating with expectation for the follow-up, and it may well be that I set my expectations too high (something I'll discuss again in this year's Top Ten). Angel Numbers is a great album despite my unrealistic hopes of stadium-conquering crossover glory... but there's still time, Hamish.
I never see much point in writing a blog post for Christmas Day - I'm sure you've all got far better things to do with your time than read my inane ramblings. Still, I would like to thank you all for putting up with this drivel for another year. You're a very special bunch. I hope you have the Christmas you deserve.
Here are some Christmas songs I'm not yet sick of, starting with Rhett Miller's band, The Old 97s, who made a surprising guest appearance in last year's Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special on Disney+.
All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life. Medium atomic weights are available: Gold, Lead, Copper, Jet, Diamond, Radium, Sapphire, Silver and Steel. Sapphire and Steel have been assigned.
Once Upon A Time there was a little quiz called Saturday Snapshots...
10. Godlike records.
Divine vinyl records...
The Divinyls - Sleeping Beauty
9. Came alive in 1976.
Peter Frampton released Frampton Comes Alive! in 1976. Every household in the USA was forced to buy a copy. It was his... ahem... golden goose...
8. Probably lime flavoured.
Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs
7. Jester hoping for yuletide snow.
Danny Kaye was in The Court Jester... and White Christmas.
Danny Kaye - The Ugly Duckling
What other blogs do you know that will take you from Green Jelly to Danny Kaye in one move?
6. Which service do you require?
5. Bard's missus gets fried at the gates of Heaven.
Anne (Hathaway) gets crispy at St. Peter's
Crispian St. Peters - The Pied Piper
4. Are you giving me some messed up data, man?
"Data, man" was an anagram.
That video is a thing of true beauty.
3. We rest her habitual sofa rimples inside.
We rest her habitual sofa rimples inside.
Esther & Abi Ofarim - Cinderella Rockafella
When you hear a record you haven't heard in 40 years and you are simultaneously delighted and horrified.
2. Good looking blood.
The Handsome Family - Snow White Diner
That, on the other hand, never grows old.
1. Beyond compare.
Nothing compares to her.
Sinead O'Connor - The Emperor's New Clothes
And we all lived happily ever after.
“I used the aircon in my car for the first time ever yesterday. I don’t care about the extra petrol. Opening the windows just made it hotter.”“Sam’s staying up late again tonight. There’s no point him trying to get to sleep in a 30 degree bedroom.”“My brain has turned to mush. I keep staring at the screen and not making any sense of what I’m writing.”“I work in a brand new building, but there’s no aircon because they wanted it to be green.”“They’re gritting the roads with sand to stop the tarmac melting.”
10. Joyce's shorts.
James Joyce published a selection of short stories called The Dubliners.
The Dubliners - Seven Drunken Nights
9. I am Dr. Lite.
Anagram!
8. Boom box with a calculator screen.
LCD Sound System - Drunk Girls
7. They beget a Teddy Boy.
Richard & Linda, parents of Teddy Thompson.
Richard & Linda Thompson - Down Where The Drunkards Roll
6. Consigned to the bench in England V. Scotland games.
5. These guys can be found by Pooh's step.
"By Pooh's step" was an anagram.
Pet Shop Boys - You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk
4. First in Jennifer Linda, last like cold dogs.
JenniFER LINda + Huskies.
Ferlin Husky - The Drunken Driver
A cautionary tale that might leave you needing a stiff drink.
3. Used to always be toasters.
I may have used a variation on that clue before, but it always makes me smile.
The Wedding Present - Don't Take Me Home 'til I'm Drunk
2. A Flemish Monday.
Anagram!
Handsome Family - Drunk By Noon
1. Assassination victims.
Those assassination victims would be The Dead Kennedys.
10. Teddy Thompson – Separate Ways. Released at the back end of last year, but the singles came out in ’06. Mature, emotional song-writing… not entirely in his dad’s class (and obviously he can’t play guitar like Pops – who can?), but he deserves to stand on his own.9. The Crimea – Tragedy Rocks. Also released back-end of 2005, this is a new band led by former Crocketts lead-singer Dave McManus. From what I remember of The Crocketts, they had one really good song. Here, there’s a whole album of them.8. Belle & Sebastian – The Life Pursuit. Not as strong as (and less commercially successful than) Dear Catastrophe Waitress (maybe I’m just a sucker for Trevor Horn), but a definite grower. Stuart’s decision to let the rest of the band chip in with some of the songwriting might have something to do with this. Saw them live this year and it was all a bit of a shambles, but enjoyably so.7. Jarvis Cocker – Jarvis. Very excited to finally have Jarvis back, and half this album is really strong. The other half, while good, strives a little too hard to be… well, not commercial, because I think he’s given up on that… but perhaps the word I’m looking for is ‘tuneful’. Jarv made a big deal before the record came out that it wasn’t going to be just him whinging on about life, that there would be some proper songs in there too. I’d have preferred more of the whinging!6. Monkey Swallows The Universe – The Bright Carvings. Saw this lot supporting Richard Hawley earlier this year, and although they looked like a bunch of sixth-formers, they made a lovely noise.5. Thea Gilmore – Harpo’s Ghost. The critics call her “the best British singer-songwriter of the last ten years” and I find it hard to disagree. Unfortunately, we seem to be the only ones listening. She’s hard working too – when I saw her live this autumn, she was 35 weeks pregnant, and she’s back on the road in the New Year.4. Morrissey – Ringleader Of The Tormentors. Only Number 4? Moz, you’re slipping! No, ROTT was a good album, but just didn’t have the staying power of YATQ.3. The Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not. Far too much has been written about them already… if only this album didn’t live up to the hype!2. The Handsome Family – The Last Days Of Wonder. Grower of the year. I’ve been a HF fan for ages, and couldn’t get into their new one at first… but now, I just can’t stop. Rennie Sparks is one of the best short story writers stuck in a songwriter’s body you’ll ever encounter, and her husband Brett looks and sings like Walter from The Big Lebowski. An album about the life of Nikola Tesla, the frustrations of being a ghost, and falling in love with the girl at the drive-thru window.1. The Divine Comedy – Victory For The Comic Muse. Sometimes it seems the better a songwriter gets, the fewer people listen. That certainly seems to be the case with Neil Hannon, who delivered possibly his strongest record to date this year, then shot himself in the foot by releasing its weakest track (‘Diva Lady’) as the lead single. A collection that is in turn touching (‘Lady Of A Certain Age’), hilarious (‘To Die A Virgin’), quirky (‘Arthur C. Clarke’s Mysterious World’, which I still think could have been a crossover hit in the vein of ‘National Express’ if he’d bothered to release it), inspiring (‘Light Of Day’) and literate (‘The Plough’). He also gave us the year’s best b-sides, which could easily have placed a second album in this Top Ten had he compiled them. Great live too, possibly my gig of the year.. I do hope he makes enough money to keep at it!
You hardly needed to be Gandalf to solve yesterday's quiz...