Snapshots #387: Fifteen + - x ÷ Sum Songs

Put your clothes on, Carol - we need your help with the complex musical equations below... specially compiled for any Maths teachers in the audience.

15. See #3 for a red hot clue.

#3 is Jason, and also includes the word "scorcher". Could I be more helpful?

Jason & The Scorchers - 2+1 = Nothing

14. Watson, Carter or Dolittle?

Dr. John Watson, Dr, John Carter (E.R.) or Dr. John Dolittle?

Dr. John - Me - You = Loneliness 

13. Before he took to hunting werewolves, he was part of a different network.

Before Bob got his Silver Bullet, he had a System.

The Bob Seger System - 2+2=?

12. Very super: electric alternative, actually. Please!

Every word is the title of a different album by the...

Pet Shop Boys - Two Divided By Zero

11. Number 3 was one... and even LA gets confusing sometimes.

#3 played Scott in Neighbours. "Even LA" was an anagram.

Scott Lavene - U + Me = Everything

10. Useful in a list, when going in and out.

The comma... doors.

Commodores - Three Times A Lady

9. A Rock, in the reading room.

Mr. Rock Hudson, in his library.

Mr Hudson & The Library - 2x2

8. Just a campanologist.

Just William, the bell ringer.

William Bell - One Plus One

7. Found in the zoo tiger enclosure... Springfield's early days.

Rick Springfield's early band, found in the ZOO Tiger enclosure.

Zoot - 1 x 2 x 3 x 4

6. Look out, guys! Adele's running after you!

Adele, of course, is famous for Chasing Pavements...

Pavement 5-4 = Unity

5. Are you going to Fleetwood, Skeeter?

Fleetwood Mac + Skeeter Davis...

Mac Davis - Two Plus Two

4. Don't make her... You wouldn't like her when she's... 

Fans of the old Incredible Hulk TV show will recall that Bill Bixby frequently told investigative reporter Jack McGee: "Mr. McGee, don't make me Ann Lee... you wouldn't like me when I'm Ann Lee."

Ann Lee - Two Times

I will confess that I had never heard of Ann Lee before compiling this list. However, I was short on ladies this week and Ann did get to #2 in the charts in 1999 with the two times tune above.

3. That sunshine's a scorcher, Superman.

Donovan sang about a Sunshine Superman. Jason, as seen above (at #15, if not in the photo) was a Scorcher.

Jason Donovan - Nothing Can Divide Us

Another one of those Jason Donovan songs that me and my mate Richard used to sing along to on the school bus when we were 16. Richard was a big fan of the Pet Shop Boys and The Smiths. I liked Springsteen and Huey Lewis. We would have told you we were just being ironic. But were we really?

2. Living in Portugal, DuBois.

Our resident Maths teacher lives in Portugal. Benson Dubois.

George Benson - Love X Love

1. Bad crash: Cher and Odie unhurt!

"Cher and Odie unhurt" was a car crash of an anagram...

Haircut 100 - Love Plus One

Where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake, I fear?

Well, wherever you go, make sure you're back in time for more Snapshots next Saturday.

Memory Mixtape #26: Free School Milk

Herman’s Hermits – No Milk Today

In response to last week’s searing indictment of school dinners, Alyson commented…

When I was in Primary School we still got a bottle of milk to drink every morning. In winter it was ice cold but in summer it was very warm and not so nice at all. I remember our teacher standing over one girl every milk time forcing her to finish her bottle of and we all had to wait as it took her a long time, going down only an 1/8th of an inch (pre-decimal times) every minute. Wouldn't happen nowadays of course - not been milk since the days of Thatcher the Snatcher and of course so many children now have intolerances to dairy.

Billy Bragg – The Milkman Of Human Kindness

This opened up a whole can of memory worms for me… but a couple of things first...

Kids do still get school milk – it’s just not free anymore (and not in bottles). Parents have to pay for it – unless they can’t afford, in which case it’s supplemented. Sam’s 10 now and still gets milk at school. He also drinks any leftover cartons he can get his hands on. 

(Sam and his mates have likewise formed a Leftovers Club at dinner time. They make sure they’re the last in the dinner queue, then they’re more likely to be offered seconds after everyone’s finished their lunch.)

The Handsome Family – The Sad Milkman

Speaking of an intolerance to dairy though, Alyson… this is exactly what I had when I was a kid. I still do, though it’s a rather odd variety of intolerance. I just can’t drink milk, especially if it’s cold. If I try, it makes me throw up. I’m fine with anything else dairy-related – cheese, yoghurt… no problem. I’m also OK with boiled milk, in certain circumstances. That’s how my mum used to serve me cereal – Weetabix, Frosties, Coco Pops etc… always with hot milk. If I tried to eat them with cold milk… bleurggghh! I’ve never been able to drink milk shakes either. Not without gipping. Sorry, Kelis. You milkshake wouldn't bring me to the yard.

Kelis - Milkshake

I’m not sure I was aware of all this when I started Primary School, and I doubt my mum thought to mention it. On the first day of school then, out came the school milk bottles… “Drink up, children!”

Bleurgggghhhhh.

You Am I – Mr. Milk

My first teacher, Mrs. Kay (picture Julie Andrews, but slightly more posh) was a shrewd lady who quickly realised I couldn’t keep milk down, so she stopped offering it to me. (Saved her having to clean up her classroom every day.) When the school milk came out, I was excused. 

Garbage - Milk

And then I moved up a year. That’s when I met Mrs. Tebb. 

Haircut 100 - Milk Film

Mrs. Tebb did not like me. That’s pretty much all I remember about her. Every other teacher at my junior school, I got on with OK. Not Mrs. Tebb though. She hated me. And maybe that’s because of what happened on the day I arrived in her class… but if so, she only brought it on herself.

“Time for your milk, children!”

“But, Mrs. Tebb, I don’t drink milk. It makes me sick.”

“Nonsense. Milk is good for you. It’s good for your teeth and your bones and your everyday health! Milk is nature’s perfect food!”

Tindersticks – Milky Teeth

“But, miss, it makes me sick!”

“Nonsense – get it down you.”

And so, I drank my milk, almost immediately puking it right back up… all over Mrs. Tebb. 

“I told you it made me sick, miss.”

Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Back in 2007, Sheffield band Tiny Dancers put out their only album on the back of opening for Bob Dylan's UK tour the year before. The LP was called Free School Milk. This was their debut single, released on my 35th birthday. 

Snapshots #304: A Top Ten Shirt Songs

OK, keep your shirt on - the answers are here!

Ten songs to get shirty about...

10. Any owl can get mixed up with a dying salesman.

"Any owl" is an anagram of Waylon. Willie Loman is the protagonist of Death Of A Salesman.

Waylon & Willie - If I Can Find a Clean Shirt

9. How Freddie Mercury got his mail delivered.

Quicksilver Messenger Company - Edward, The Mad Shirt Grinder

8. Rogue traders.

The Charlatans - White Shirt

7. Dispose of your oracle.

Chuck your prophet.

Chuck Prophet - Best Shirt On

6. Jocko Jeans.

Anagram!

Joe Jackson - The Band Wore Blue Shirts

5. Madonna's only just begun to feel W.O.L.D.

Mary was the Madonna. The Carpenters had Only Just Begun. Harry Chapin sang W.O.L.D.

Mary Chapin Carpenter - This Shirt 

4. Plane company I don't want to fly with.

Plummet Airlines - Silver Shirt

3. Sounds like what happens when the king's daughter gets involved with some old punk.

Elvis's daughter was Lisa Marie (this isn't her though).

Malcolm McLaren & The Bootzilla Orchestra featuring Lisa Marie - Something's Jumpin' in Your Shirt

2. Archer, Model, Soldier...

My Aim Is True. This Year's Model. Armed Forces.

Elvis Costello - Green Shirt

1. Bob, Buzz and Bowl + 97.

Three haircuts plus another 97 equals...

1. Haircut 100 - Favourite Shirts

Collar more Snapshots next Saturday...

Snapshots #198: A Top Ten Favourite Songs

Is it that time already? Time for the answers to yesterday's Snapshots. And as the link was Favourite Songs, above is an image from my favourite film as a teenager, Back To The Future.

Most of these are oldies. Well, they're oldies where I come from...

10. He is in debt to Mr. Simon.

He's owing Paul.

Owen Paul - My Favourite Waste Of Time

9. A Shaky Oh and a golfing saint.

Oh Julie + St. Andrews...

Julie Andrews - My Favourite Things

8. Matt Lucas on the drums.

Matt Lucas was George Dawes.

Dawes - All Your Favourite Bands

7. Sell-out cynic.

Anagram!

The Style Council - Our Favourite Shop

6. Arachnids get mixed up.

Unmix "arachnids get" and you get...

The Cardigans - My Favourite Game

5. Spare parts.

The Replacements - Favourite Thing

4. Early British cars.

Specifically these, the Armstrong Siddeley...

The Siddeleys - My Favourite Wet Wednesday Afternoon

3. Sounds like a gloating angel.

Cheryl Ladd was an Angel (for Charlie). Gloating is crowing.

Sheryl Crow - My Favourite Mistake

2. You're fired!

Says Sir Alan Sugar.

Sugar - Your Favourite Thing

1. Bob Century.

A bob is a type of haircut. A century = 100.

Get Back to Snapshots in the Future... next Saturday, to be precise. Great Scott!

Hot 100 #1

There was another One D... band I could have chosen to illustrate the final edition in the Hot 100 Countdown... fortunately, Swiss Adam saved me from having to go there when he suggested One Dove.

One Dove - Breakdown

The Swede also suggest these guys, who were only disqualified for being ones rather than one, which wouldn't have worked as well, image wise.

The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet

OK, confession time.

I've been dreading this week since I started this countdown, way way back in January 2018. (Yes, I've been at this for more than two years.)

Partly because I knew there would be thousands of potential ONE songs.

Partly because I knew it'd be impossible to find them amidst all the BlutONES and UndertONES songs, and all the songs about bones and phones; everyone, anyone and no one; money and baloney.

I didn't dread it because I wondered what the winner would be though. I've known that since January 2018.

It's obvious is it not? says Charity Chic.

Chesney Hawkes - The One and Only

Well, quite.

Before you dismiss it completely, let's not forget that it was written by Nik Kershaw, and came from a movie in which Roger Daltrey played Chezzer's dad.

And, while we're on the subject of Ones & Only... and Only Ones, for that matter... I may as well re-direct you back to this, from way back in 2013...

My Top Ten Only One Songs

George will be disappointed to see that Huey Lewis only got to #2 in that countdown. And he was beaten by The Charlatans, for Pete's sake... what was I thinking?

Any other really obvious winners?

Swiss Adam?

The Stone Roses - This Is The One (There's your winner, right there!)

"Could be..." as they used to say on Hong Kong Fooey.

But wait... stop the clock! (As Anneka Rice used to shout.) Here comes Rigid Digit...

Bardo - One Step Further

I think it's fair to say I haven't heard that since 1982. However, I was 10 in 1982, and I seem to recall being quite a fan. If you'd asked me, I'd have said this actually won Eurovision that year, but it didn't. It was beaten by Nicole. Still, neither of them were in the same league as the 1981 winners. Witness my nascent sexual awakening at 1 minute 32 seconds on that video.

You may have noticed I'm holding off on the lists this week, folks. There's a reason for that. Over to C...

Blimey Rol, incredible stuff. This must be like a full-time job - perhaps you should charge us for your services to blogging?

I'm not even going to add anything, happy just to see what comes up.

The truth is, C, last week nearly broke me. And the prospect of copying and pasting all the one suggestions... and then finding links for the bloody things... I just couldn't take it!

And then Lynchie said this...

Rol - I think you should turn this series into a book.

I would ask who'd read it... but I guess you guys have answered that question over the past two and a half years. For which, I will be eternally grateful... but not so grateful that I could face the colossal workload of this final post.

And then, after whittling his shortlist down to 600, The Swede came to my rescue...

Here's what's left from my hard-drives. Sorry there are so many - for gawd's sake don't post them all!   

Do you know what, Swede? That's the best advice I've been given in all my blogging career.

What I'm going to do instead is choose ONE song from each contributor... beyond the ones suggested above.

If anybody cares to see the full list of suggestions, you can do so here.

Charity Chic...

Bob Marley - One Love

John Medd...

Weezer - The Angel and the One

Swiss Adam...

Suede - The Beautiful Ones

Lynchie (seconding Charity Chic)...

John Martyn - One World

Rigid Digit...

Big Country - One Great Thing

George...

Leo Sayer - One Man Band

Alyson...

Queen - One Vision

Jim in Dubai...

Haircut 100 - Love Plus One

Douglas in Canada...

The Tragically Hip - The Darkest One

(Part of me thinks I should have instituted a filtration policy such as this weeks ago.)

Finally, as seems only fitting, here's my Number One contributor... at least in terms of the number of suggestions he's submitted during the lifetime of this series... The Swede.

Bruce Springsteen - She's The One

Fitting, also, that it all comes back to Bruce. Thanks for that, Swede.


But wait! There is one more of you who gets a shout this week.

And interestingly, though he often provides multiple strong suggestions, he chose only one song this  time.

Over to Martin...

Just pitching the one this week, mostly because it must surely be the winner...

How right you are, Martin.

(Special mention to Lynchie who guessed the original version, a worthy runner-up.)

As I said at the start, I knew this song would be the winner of the final week of my Hot 100 even before I published the first post. It is, quite simply, perfect...




Which brings us to the end of this feature.

I sometimes wondered if I'd ever reach the end, but I'm glad I did. Chalk it up as another of life's little accomplishments... and thank you all again for playing along. It wouldn't have been half as much fun... and I definitely wouldn't have made it this far... without your contributions.

Final word goes to The Swede...

A thought occurred whilst mulling... I trust you'll be doing a final entry the week after next for zeroes?

Now I don't like to be one to disappoint, Swede, but I just can't face that right now. (Neither can I face "Half Songs" or "Quarter Songs" or anything else, for that matter. If I never see another number again, it'll be too soon.)

However - that's not to say I won't welcome your contributions. If anyone wants to compile a Top Ten Zero Songs and submit it for Guest Post Thursday, I will be happy to let you have the space.

I have got an idea for a feature to replace this one, and I'll be kicking that off in a couple of weeks' time. I've been itching to get to it for at least a year now... and it will require your suggestions (though I'm hoping it won't lead to quite so many as the last few weeks of the Hot 100 has). I hope you'll join me and play along...

Saturday Snapshots #55 - The Answers

If you wannabe my lover, you've gotta get solving my Saturday Snapshot clues. Luckily, none of these proved Too Much for you...

First out of bed yesterday morning was Rigid Digit, narrowly beating Lynchie to the crown by half a point.

Actually, I don't think these clues need a lot of explaining this week...

10. Admiral Johnson goes out for another drive.

Admiral Nelson.

"We'll cut off your Johnson, Lebowski!"

Willie Nelson - On The Road Again

(Or it might be Martin Freeman.)

9. Easy to solve even if you don't know the answer... Lady Liberty.

The Guess Who - American Woman

8.  A Drama II: Take your clothes off and she might fancy you.

Ida Maria - I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked

7. Charlie's band makes a killing with their sex-change.

Charlie Mansun was a killer.

(Yes, Mansun had more songs than just Wide Open Space. Quite a few of them were better too!)

Mansun - Being A Girl

6. Bumbling coach refuses to release Bob's farmer.

Bob Dylan sang about Maggie's Farm.

Honeybus - I Can't Let Maggie Go

Not Honeybuns, although that might have been a better name.

5. Mend your jeans with Cooper and a bow tie.

Lee Cooper jeans. You mend jeans with patches. Well, unless you're a young person. Don't get me started on that.

A bow tie is a dickie.

Dickie Lee - Patches

4. Old Nick is scared of four Italians stealing his car, so adds extra security.

Old Nick is the devil. If he wanted to protect his car, he might put a gate on his drive.

Four in Italian is Quattro.

Suzi Quatro - Devil Gate Drive

3. The do of the century, from fabulous dawn to brilliant dusk.

Haircut 100 - Fantastic Day

Video of the week.

Have I mentioned how I met Nick Heyward once?

Have I mentioned what a nice man he was?

2. Rings like a legendary marksman, but suffers an amnesiac heart.

The legendary marksman would be William Tell.

William Bell - I Forgot To Be Your Lover

Bloody classic, that is.

1. I am called Chocolate Peanuts.

Too easy.



Goodbye. But only until next week. Say You'll Be There for more Saturday Snapshots then...zigazig ah!