Snapshots #349: A Top Ten Songs About Schoolyard Games

Remember the days of the old schoolyard
We used to laugh a lot,
Oh, don't you remember the days of the old schoolyard?
When we had imaginings and we had
All kinds of things and we laughed

Cat Stevens – (Remember The Days Of The) Old Schoolyard 

Here are ten songs that might remind you of games played in the old school yard...

10. The cast of Lost.

Missing Persons - Mental Hopscotch

9. Don't suck old sweets.

1910 Fruitgum Company - Simon Says

8. Cabernet Sauvignon.

It's made with black grapes...

Black Grape - Marbles

7. Keep drinking and you'll become one.

Lush - Kiss Chase

6. American G.I. gets lost in the subtext.

GI Joe gets lost in the subTEXt.

Joe Tex - Skip A Rope

5. Deano takes it easy with a brand new key.

Dean Martin takes it EZ with Melanie...

Melanie Martinez - Tag, You're It 

4. Proving Del Amitri wrong.

Del Amitri said that Nothing Ever Happens. These guys would disagree.

Something Happens - Parachute

3. One Frou, near the top of Frank's New York ascent. 

She was one half of Frou Frou, and top of the heap!

Imogen Heap - Hide And Seek

2. Straight out of The Bible.

He was the lead singer of The Bible.

Boo Hewerdine - Sleeping Lions

(They used to call it Sleeping Tigers when I were a lad.)

1. Big Daddy, found near the Statue of Liberty.

Big Daddy was Shirley Crabtree. Liberty Island is adjacent to Ellis Island in New York.

Shirley Ellis - The Clapping Song

You might also play...

Yachts - Consequences (Truth or Dare, when I were a lad)

Juliana Hatfield Three - Spin The Bottle

Malcolm McLaren - Double Dutch

The Fall - Kick The Can

Harry Chapin - Cats In The Cradle

Kowalski - Duck Duck Goose

The Cure - Catch

That should keep you busy till next Saturday morning.

Celebrity Jukebox #108: David McCallum

It's not so long since I covered The Man From U.N.C.L.E. here, and for most that would serve as a fitting tribute to the actor David McCallum, who died, aged 90, earlier this week. Particularly as I couldn't find any songs that mentioned him by name. Although any excuse to play this again...

The Cleaners From Venus - Ilya Kuryakin Looked at Me

And this...

David McAllum - The Edge

Growing up when I did, my first encounter with David McCallum came not through U.N.C.L.E., but through his starring role alongside Joanna Lumley in Sapphire & Steel, surely one of the weirdest TV shows of the late 70s and early 80s.

All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life. Medium atomic weights are available: Gold, Lead, Copper, Jet, Diamond, Radium, Sapphire, Silver and Steel. Sapphire and Steel have been assigned.

So went the intro to the show... and that was about as much explanation as writer PJ Hammond ever gave to his characters. Basically, Sapphire and Steel were some kind of time agents who turned up and solved weird, spooky sci-fi-related mysteries. Were they human? Were they aliens? Were they ghosts? Who could say? But I found it gripping as a kid... especially the episode set in an abandoned railway station, the plot of which remains with me to this day, despite the show having never been repeated. (It's available on Britbox / ITVX though, and I keep meaning to rewatch it.)

Sadly, I couldn't find any pop songs that mentioned this wonderful series, but then I remembered another David McCallum show I watched as a kid... one that predated even Sapphire & Steel. It only lasted one series... but there are quite a few songs named after it (or at least, the HG Wells novel it was based on). So I'm going with those today. It was that or I started looking for songs that mention NCIS, a show which gave him a resurgence in popularity in his later years, and one which my dad watched regularly. Rest in peace, David, you were anything but The Invisible Man...

Generation X - The Invisible Man

Joe Jackson - Invisible Man

   

Lush - The Invisible Man

Joe Byrd & The Field Hippies - Invisible Man 

The Handsome Family - Invisible Man

(That one from the new HF album, their first in 7 years. Pretty good it is, too.)

Zen Alligators - The Invisible Man

Joshua Kadison - Invisible Man

The Breeders - Invisible Man

Queen - The Invisible Man

(I love Queen, but that has got to be their worst video ever.)

The Dead Weather - Looking at the Invisible Man

That's ten for you right there. But my hands down favourite Invisible Man song is this one... Elvis at his best.

But if stars are only painted on the ceiling above

Then who can you turn to and who do you love?

I want to get out while I still can

I want to be like Harry Houdini

Now I'm the Invisible Man

Saturday Snapshots #14 - The Answers

Almost a clean sweep for Brian and Mrs. Brian this week... staying up late on a Friday night to get first dibs.


10. Looks like she will be Jeff, but that could be an untruth.

Jeff would be Jeff Lynne, so... She'll Be Lynne.

Shelby Lynne - Your Lies

Well done to Lynchie, picking up Brian & Mrs. Brian's scraps.


9. Pulp frillies as the Transit Authority get booed off stage.

My favourite clue this week.

Pulp is paper. Lace is frilly.

The Chicago Transit Authority was the original name for the band Chicago. If they got booed off stage, they would have "died", so...

Paper Lace - The Night Chicago Died

Great live version.

Top Ten bands with (lead) singing drummers, anyone?


8. Open people's minds (with poppies), at the angelic skatepark.

OPM stands for "open people's minds", apparently... or "other people's money". It has nothing at all to do with opium.

A half-pipe, as you will all know, is that curved thing skateboarders and bmx-kids do stunts on. It has nothing at all to do with drugs, despite what I thought when this record originally came out.

OPM - Heaven Is A Half Pipe (If I Die)

(Kudos to Mrs. Brian for remembering the parenthesis.)


7. DJ dies on tape: Horny!

Too easy. (The Buggles was prety much Trevor Horn... like you didn't know that.)

The Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star

I would listen to anyone who wanted to argue that this is one of the greatest pop songs ever recorded.


6. Greedy simian sings a song for a King... a Freeman... or one of you.

A greedy simian would be a monkey that swallowed the universe.

Martin Luther King. Martin Freeman. Martin.

Monkey Swallows The Universe - Martin

True to his name, Martin turned up just in time to nab this one.


5. Russian dreamer who hears people swearing at a river.

Apparently, Nina means 'dreamer' in Russian.

Simone, the female version of Simon, means "one who hears" in Hebrew.

You obviously need to work on your etymology of names if you're going to play this game for real.

Swearing at a river is a bit more obvious.

Well done to Lynchie & Alyson.

Nina Simone - Mississippi Goddam


4. Golfing saint gets wicked at a tough soiree.

St. Andrews is where the golf takes place.

Wicked is abbreviated to WK in the alcoholic beverage.

A tough soiree would be a hard party.

Andrew WK - Party Hard

This is POWER pop taken to its ridiculous extreme.

Sam likes this song because it features in the movie The Secret Life Of Pets (or Pets At Home as we call it), one of the better kids films I've seen in recent years.


3. Drunks in the smelly shop say bye.

Drunks are lushes.

Lush is also a shop that sells smelly things. (Do they have that shop in America, Brian?)

Lush (featuring Jarvis Cocker) - Ciao!

Best Jarvis duet ever.


2. J.R. piles on the pounds but can still move fast.

Larry Hagman was J.R. Ewing.

If he piled on the pounds, he would be Fat Larry.

If he went fast, he would zoom.

The Swede made a welcome return to deny owning this record. (A signed copy? By the whole band? Really?)

Fat Larry's Band - Zoom

Although "Fat" Larry James was a singing drummer, sadly he doesn't sing lead vocal on this track.


1. A solid yet piercing noise. I always did like him in M*A*S*H*.

Solid gold.

Earrings are piercings (and go through your ears: which register noise: d'uh).

This is Gary Bergoff: Radar in M*A*S*H*...

This is one of Holland's greatest hits...


Thanks for playing. Get up earlier next week, George.

My Top Ten Bickering Couple Songs (Volume 1)

Let's celebrate the bank holiday weekend with a good argument, as so many couples do.

Here are ten of the best arguing couples on record... although I had plenty more to choose from, so don't be surprised to hear a Volume 2 one day soon...


10. Ute Lemper & Neil Hannon - Split

Way, way back in the year 2000... before many of today's 16 year olds were even born... German musical actress Ute Lemper teamed up with the likes of Scott Walker, Nick Cave, Elvis Costello and the Divine Mr. Hannon for a "pop" album. This was one of the acrimonious highlights...

Neil:

I was there for you.
You were there for me...
And him,
And half of the western world it seems...

Ute: 

No, baby, that's not fair,
There were two or three...
Okay.
...At most
But I don't like to boast.

Neil:

Oh you make me sick.

9. Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty - You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

I first heard this duet as recorded by one of my favourite bands of the noughties: The Indelicates. In fact, I'd be featuring their version here if it was on youtube: they really do make it their own. Hunt it down if you can.

In its youtube absence though, the original recording by Loretta and Conway is pretty damned cool too. Because looks ain't everything and money ain't everything...

8. Dexys - I'm Always Going To Love You / Incapable Of Love

Dexys' (minus the Midnight Runners of their youth) 2012 album One Day I'm Going To Soar is one of the greatest comeback records in the history of pop... and these two songs are undoubtedly the highlight. It all begins with a passionate fling between Kevin Rowland and new recruit Madeleine Hyland which goes awry when Kev admits he doesn't know how to love her. (Men!) After a bitter row, she chucks him out... which leads directly into the explanations and recriminations of the following track. Too-ray-aye this ain't...

7.John Prine and Iris DeMent - In Spite of Ourselves

John and Iris take turns listing their faults... but in spite of all that, they're still very much in love. Which is always nice to hear.

John: 

She don't like her eggs all runny
She thinks crossin' her legs is funny
She looks down her nose at money
She gets it on like the Easter Bunny
She's my baby, I'm her honey
I'm never gonna let her go

Iris:

He ain't got laid in a month of Sundays
I caught him once and he was sniffin' my undies
He ain't too sharp but he gets things done
Drinks his beer like it's oxygen
He's my baby
And I'm his honey
Never gonna let him go

6. Space & Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones

Space are unfairly remembered as another bunch of Britpop also-rans, but listen to this again and it's a thing of unique beauty that sets them on an entirely different platform from the likes of Cast, Menswear and those two idiot brothers. It's weird, yes, but never too self-consciously quirky. The lyrical detail saves it, along with the genius move of employing Cerys for guest vocals: who else could have sung, "I have never thrown my knickers at you!" with such conviction (not to mention perfectly setting up Tommy Scott's comeback, "And I don't come from Wales")?

Best thing about it? This was actually their biggest chart hit... although we probably remember them more for Me & You Vs. The World or Female of the Species. Seriously, give this one another listen and remember: this song was on radio station A-lists all across the country. That's something which would never happen today...

5. The Beautiful South - A Little Time

Paul Heaton has probably written more bickering couple songs than anyone else I can think of (see also You Keep It All In, Your Father & I, Even A Palm Tree, etc. etc.).

The beauty of A Little Time though is that on first hearing it sounds more like a traditional love duet. Heaton wisely chose not to sing this one himself, instead giving the male part to the much less sarky-sounding Dave Hemingway, while original Beautiful South femme fatale Brianna Corrigan could well be singing the Diana Ross part of Endless Love. Until you listen to the lyrics. Or watch the video...

The bitch! She killed his teddy!

4. Tom Waits & Crystal Gayle - Picking Up After You

Tom and Crystal love to have a good whinge about the state the other one leaves the house in... makes you think they deserve each other. Things do get a little personal at times though. Highlight for me is when Tom asks Crystal...

Tell me - how long have you been combing your hair with a wrench?

3. Lush & Jarvis Cocker - Ciao!

Another forgotten classic from the Britpop era in which Lush's Miki Berenyi trades barbs with Jarvis, celebrating the demise of their "relationship". Methinks they doth protest too much...

Jarvis:

'Cause I've met this girl and she's so good to me
She's really beautiful, fantastic company
 Oh, when I'm with her I realise what love can be
'Cause she's fifty times the person you will ever be  

Miki:

Good luck, mister, do you think I care?
Since you've been gone the offers have been everywhere
 I've got a million guys just lining up for me
I've turned a corner, boy, my life is ecstasy...

2. Dean Friedman & Denise Marsa - Lucky Stars

Marsa was uncredited on Friedman's biggest hit, yet she plays an essential part. It's Dean's lyrics that make this most like a real couple's argument though. The song's filled with non-sequiturs, rhetorical questions, clumsy inference, misunderstanding, sarcasm and the two of them finishing each other's sentences. You may consider it cheesy 70s MOR (sax break and all), but it's much deeper and smarter than that.

Plus, unlike a lot of the arguments on this list, this one has a happy ending...

1. Otis Redding & Carla Thomas - Tramp

Nobody bickers like Otis & Carla... there's not a wasted line in this classic. Best bicker? Without question...

Carla: Look here. You ain't got no money.

Otis: I got everything.
 
Carla: You can't buy me all those minks and sables and all that stuff I want.
 
Otis: I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, ...anything you want, Woman.

Tramp wasn't written as a duet. The original version by Lowell Fulsom is just one guy bragging about what a lover-lover man he is. The beat's been sampled by everybody from Joe Tex to Ice Cube to Prince (on 7). The song's been covered by everyone from Salt 'n' Pepa to ZZ Top to the Steve Miller Band. But no other version comes close to Carla and Otis...





What are the chances of you agreeing with any of those? Bloody zero! You'll just disagree to be awkward. I know you.

Next week: Divorce Songs.

You asked for it!

My Top Ten Olympic Songs

So the Olympics are here, and even I can't avoid them...

But I promise, you won't find any songs specifically written for the Games here... because songs written for sporting events are usually pretty dreadful. As Muse have confirmed.

I'll get onto songs about specific sports - running, jumping, Top Ten Songs About The Shot Put, et al. - in the next few posts. First though, a random smattering of Olympic themed tunes...

10. Green Day - Nice Guys Finish Last

Green Day finish last... could this be the nicest song of the ten?

9. The Hives - Dead Quote Olympics

Yes they were smart but they're dead
And you're repeating all that they said
You know it don't make you clever like you thought it would

8. The Donnas - The Gold Medal

7. Lush - Olympia

Will I ever be Olympia?

6. Soft Cell - Torch

5. Kurt Vile - Runner Ups

If it ain’t workin’, take a whiz on the world

Come on, Kurt - have some dignity in defeat.

4. Peter Gabriel (with Kate Bush) - Games Without Frontiers

And the medal for whistling tunes and kissing baboons in the jungle goes to...

3. The Decemberists - The Sporting Life

Everyone had hopes for Colin Meloy's sporting prowess... his dad, his coach, his girlfriend... but he lets them all down in championship style here. An anthem for those of us who were always last to be chosen for the team. (See also Billy Bragg's The Boy Done Good, though I'm saving that for if I ever do a football Top Ten. However unlikely that may be.)

2. Belle & Sebastian - The Stars of Track and Field

Could I write a piece about you now that you've made it?
About the hours spent, the wilderness in your training
You only did it so that you could wear
Your terry underwear
And feel the city air
Run past your body

1. Gene - Olympian

If they were handing out medals for underrated bands, Gene would get the gold.



Which Olympic tune gets your gold medal?