Neverending Top Ten #8.1 - And I've got such a long way to go to make it to the border of Mexico

Listening to Christopher Cross's Ride Like The Wind in the car the other day with Sam (furthering his extensive, unfiltered musical education), I was faced with the following question:

"Daddy, why do all the singers want to go to Mexico?"

I had to stop and think about this for a second. I guess there must have been a few songs on recent in-car CDs featuring people going to Mexico. Maybe The Coasters - Down In Mexico. Definitely Blake Shelton - Playboys of the Western World. Possibly some others from my old Top Ten Mexico Songs.

"Well," I tried to explain, "sometimes if somebody does something really naughty in America, and the police are after them, they go to Mexico to escape. They could go to Canada, I guess... but the police in Canada are more likely to send them back to America."

Thus began Sam's new obsession.

Every song that pops up on the car radio...

Lloyd Cole.

"Daddy - where is he from?"

"England."

Fountains of Wayne.

"Daddy - where are they from?"

"America."

Elvis Costello.

"Daddy - where is he from?"

"Ah... England."

(I had to think for a second whether Declan Patrick MacManus was actually Irish. But no, even his Dad, the Secret Lemonade Drinker, hailed from Liverpool.)

Del Amitri.

"Daddy - where are they from?"

"Scotland."

The Smiths.

"Daddy - where are they from?"

"Manchestooooor."

Fleetwood Mac.

"Daddy - where are they from?"

"Erm… well... some of them are from America and some of them are from Britain."

The thing is he's retaining this information too. The young mind is a sponge.

Two fine examples of this...



"Daddy - where are they from?"

"Sweden."

"Oh. They must know First Aid Kit then."



"Daddy - where are they from?"

"London."

"Oh. Right. Just like The Real Tuesday Weld."

Is four years old too young to be entered for Ken Bruce's Popmaster?

Saturday Snapshots #3 - The Answers

Let there be answers!
 
(I'm not going to ask you for the artist & song of the photo above. You'll all obviously have that one in your collections.)

Congrats to everyone who took part and identified a correct tune. I think we can all agree that this week's winners are Brian and his better half.


10. A Munster, wearing a white hat, on the canal...

Eddie Munster.

The canal / white hat = Panama.

Well done, Brian.

Van Halen - Panama

9. There's no doubt husband #7 left Steve a $6 million answerphone message.

A tough one, but it's all there in the clues.

No Doubt = Gwen Stefani.

Her husband (at the moment) is Blake Shelton. (Blake's 7?)

$6 million dollar Steve? Austin. The Bionic Man, of course.

The answerphone message? Listen to the damn song! It's a real tearjerker...

Blake Shelton - Austin

Score #1 for Mrs. Brian.

8. The queen gives a haircut so good, it'll make you weak.

Gave Chris no problems at all.

The Queen = Regina.

Who had a haircut that made him weak?

Regina Spektor - Samson

7. A big, depressed train from the U.S.

Big = grand.

If you're depressed, you're in a funk.

Grand Funk Railroad - We're An American Band

Score two for Mrs. Brian.

6. A moron in comfy shoes wishes his girlfriend was psychic.

Gordon is a moron, according to Jilted John.

Comfy shoes = Lightfoot.

Gordon Lightfoot - If You Could Read My Mind

Score three for Mrs. Brian.

5. All sad tales start with a big baby crying.

A big baby crying = The Mighty Wah!

A sad tale?

The Mighty Wah! - The Story of the Blues

A combined effort from Brian & Charity Chic.

4. Elvis in his underwear does what Gordon Sumner only pretended he could.

Probably the easiest one this week, if you knew the song. Brian snapped this one up straight away.

Do I need to explain that Jellyfish sting?

Jellyfish - The King Is Half Undressed

3. How far would Tom & Bob run to see this band, mate?

Apologies to Brian, I should have gone with an international clue about Burt Reynolds... I'll try to remember that in future. Charity Chic helped out here too.

Tommy Cannon & Bobby Ball.

Cannonball Run.

Mate = breed.

The Breeders - Cannonball

2. It's agony for a female Flintstone, listening to Andrew's Wax.

A female Flinstone might be called Freda.

Agony = Payne.

Andrew Gold's band (with Graham Gouldman) in the 80s was called Wax.

Freda Payne - Band of Gold

A last minute save from C: I thought I was going to win one!

I have to admit, I had to idea Freda Payne looked like that... or that she was such a martyr to her bad back.

1. Celebrating the fastest second place medal: he grows up to devour a plateful of Chrissie's finest.

If you won the fastest second place medal, you might get Quick-Silver... or Mercury.

Chrissie's finest = The Great Pretender, originally by The Platters (a plateful).

Well done to Alyson, even though she tried to talk herself out of it.

 

Freddie even did cover versions better than anybody else...



More next week. Probably.

After all, it is the 10th on Tuesday...

Randy Tuesdays #3: The One That Went Into Space

3. Randy Vanwarmer

I think those may be the two coolest pictures I ever featured on this blog. You know why? Self confidence. Sometimes I think that's all you really need to succeed in this world. A little bit of positive hubris. Probably explains why I never got anywhere.

I first encountered Randall Van Wormer back in the 70s when Terry Wogan made his heartbreaking ballad Just When I Needed You Most a huge UK hit. Sounding a little bit Chicago, a little bit Leo, it made a pretty big impact... if only because our Tel played it to death.

I didn't really know anything else about RVW until I looked into him for this feature. Apparently, his second album moved away from big sloppy ballads into "dark" and "alternative" territory. "Dark" like It Doesn't Matter Anymore, which opens like this...

I never figured out
Who put the tablets in my drink
The poison worked so fast
I poured the last drop down the sink

...and then gets much, much darker. "Alternative" like Terraform and 21st Century which go all sci fi and downright weird.

After that, he returned to ballads. He continued to release albums up until his death in 2004, but had more success as a songwriter for other people. Somehow he ended up in Nashville, writing a number of big country hits.

Now, those of you who were expecting this particularly Randy to make an appearance probably expected me to choose his big hit. And I probably would have done, had my research not revealed that he co-wrote this, one of my favourite songs by contemporary country star and former Mr. Miranda Lambert (soon to be Mr. Gwen Stefani), Blake Shelton.

I've featured this one here before in My Top Ten Mexico Songs, but I have no problem with playing it again because I love it. I'm guessing reactions to this post will be divided pretty evenly between "you should have played Just When I Needed You Most" and "you should have skipped him altogether", but I live to be surprised...



Randy Vanwarmer's cremated remains were sent into space along with the ashes of James 'Scotty' Doohan from Star Trek. I tell you what, the remaining Randies in this list are going to have to go some to beat that!

My Top Ten Songs About Bad Kissers

Kissing is a popular subject for songwriters... perhaps because most people dream of becoming pop stars as a way of getting some. But here are ten songs you probably wouldn't want to lock lips with...


10. Will Powers - Kissing With Confidence

OK, first confession. For many years - in fact, until very recently - I thought Will Powers was a man. Knowing only this song, I thought the male voice was Will and the female was an uncredited backing singer. Turns out Will is really the creation of celebrity portrait photographer Lynn Goldsmith and his voice is actually hers slowed down.

You probably knew that already.

Anyway, Kissing With Confidence comes from Will's 1983 album Dancing For Mental Health which was a spoof of self-help shysters and the way they preyed on vulnerable people's insecurities. It was written by Goldsmith, with a little help from Nile Rodgers, Steve Winwood, Todd Rundgren and Carly Simon's songwriting partner Jacob Brackman. Nice to have celebrity pals.

Anyway, in the song Lynn starts out as a particularly bad kisser...

I'd giggle like I had no brains
Or else I'd start to cough
I thought my perspiration stains
Would turn a fellow off

...but this is soon fixed by Will's self-help advice and she soon becomes a kissaholic.

I put an end to worrying, I learned the way from Will
And showed me kissing with confidence was an acquired skill
When my boyfriends get too hot I can cool 'em down
Now I'm kissing with confidence everywhere in town.

9. Blake Shelton - Kiss My Country Ass

Some would consider this the worst kind of redneck anthem: provincial deep south BS, the sort of thing that gives country music a bad rep around the rest of the world. I defend my interest by suggesting Blake might be being a little tongue-in-cheek here... although the video would suggest otherwise. I think it's a case of giving the baser part of his fanbase exactly what they believe they want. And it's fun if you can put yourself in their heads. I'm not sure if Brad Paisley's Southern Comfort Zone was a direct response to this song, but it could well have been.

Still, pogue mahone and all that.

8. Magic Wands - Kiss Me Dead

Fuzzy guitared dream pop (they call it "lovewave") from a California indie band who toured a few years back with The Jesus & Mary Chain. One listen to this and you can tell they were supporting their heroes.

7. Green Day - Geek Stink Breath

Well, you just wouldn't. Especially when he starts picking scabs of his face.

The song's actually about Billie Joe Armstrong's meth habit.

6.  Cinerama - Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Not a cover of John Barry's theme to Thunderball, but a typically Gedgian tale of infidelity and its consequences by David... and his... erm... ex-girlfriend.

5. George Michael - Kissing A Fool

Yes, George Michael.

Yes, Kissing A Fool.

I was 16 when this came out, and I probably should have been too cool for George by then, but I was a frustrated romantic and this smoky, low key ballad hit all the right notes. A few months later, I remember playing it in my dad's car on the night I borrowed it to take a girl out on a date for the first time. That night was typical of what I laughably refer to now as my teenage love life, and yet... time makes fond memories of almost everything.

And no, there was no kissing on that date. But yes, if there had been, this song would have been apt. (There was no second date either. She was just trying to make her ex jealous.)

4. Tennessee Ernie Ford & Helen O'Connell - Cool, Cool Kisses

This was another strong contender for My Top Ten Bickering Couples Songs a few weeks back. A few months ago I got my ears around a very cheap 50 track compilation of Tennessee Ernie songs; up until that point I only really knew him for Sixteen Tons, but this collection was an eye-opener. Lots of interesting songs with funny little stories to tell, of which this is one of my favourites. It features a couple arguing about how they can put up with most of their partner's flaws, but when the kisses go cool, that's a bridge too far...

Helen: Don't mind that smelly pipe that's always stickin' in your face!
Ernie: Don't mind your shoes and stockin's always scattered 'round the place!
Helen: I'll put up with the cigarettes you put out on the floor!
Both: But your cool cool kisses I just won't take no more!

Bear in mind, however, this is from 1950, so it's a sign of the times when Helen sings (in a humorous vein)...

Don't mind the way you beat me every time we have a fight...

All of which leads me quite nicely into...

3. Florence & The Machine - Kiss With A Fist

Perhaps it says something about me that my favourite song by Ms. Welch is her punky debut single (originally recorded by her previous band Ashok, under the title 'Happy Slap'). A lot of people think it's a song about domestic violence, but Florence claims that's not the case, that the violence is metaphorical, and it's more about the mental turmoil some couples put themselves through in extremely passionate relationships.

Or something.

Kiss With A Fist is the shortest song Florence has ever released, and it's a lot more fun that much of the wispy, floaty, pseudo-Kate Bush stuff she's released since (although I do like quite a lot of that too). But I guess there's more of an audience for that sort of stuff than 2 minute guitar blasts these days.

See also The Crystals - He Hit Me (and It Felt Like a Kiss). But that's Phil Spector for you.

2. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue

One of my favourites from Jenny Lewis, it begins with her fending off the advances of a lecherous cobbler and ends with her dropping acid and getting unlucky in love. Probably not your best bet for a safe smooch.

To be lonely is a habit like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both, but, man, was it rough...

1. Richard Thompson - Cold Kisses

Thompson plays a particular unpleasant character in this one, going through his girlfriend's belongings for evidence of her ex-boyfriends... trying to find out if any of those cold kisses might ever get warm again. A classic example of Thompson's bravura songwriting, it ends with him hearing his girlfriend's key in the lock, only for him to quickly tidy up so that she can find him sitting reading a paperback when she comes in, oblivious to his jealous snooping.

Here I am behind enemy lines
Looking for secrets, looking for signs
Old boyfriends, big and small
Got to see how I measure up to them all

This one's handsome, not too bright
This one's clever with his hands alright
Tougher than me if it came to a fight

And this one's a poet, a bit of a wet
Bit of a gypsy, a bit of a threat
I wonder if she's got over him yet?

Perhaps I should have played this one in my dad's car on that hopeless first date...



Which one would you swap saliva with?

My Top Ten Lonely Night Songs

Night-time is the loneliest time... especially if you're a songwriter.

This was a really tough one to put in order.


10. The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

When Gibbard's girlfriend moved out, to a whole different district of Washington, this was his response.

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key, explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing
Why I was the one worth leaving

Covered by lots of people, though obviously I prefer Frank Turner's version. 

9. James Taylor - Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight

James Taylor made this sort of thing look really easy.

The Isley Brothers did an excellent cover too.

8. Blake Shelton feat. Ashley Monroe - Lonely Tonight

Glossy and as shamelessly bling as the worst of contemporary r 'n' b, it's hard to explain why I dig the poppiest artist in modern country music as much as I do. This one's an outrageously schmaltzy power ballad that harkens back to the 80s (with 21st Century production values) and, frankly, the video made me choke on my Wotsits. But Blake Shelton can do no wrong in my eyes, because he writes pop songs that are catchy as the plague and TELL ACTUAL STORIES. I have no further defence.

7. Dr. Hook - I Don't Want To Be Alone Tonight

Tells basically the same story as the Blake Shelton number, but without the glitz. You see, you can't really believe Blake Shelton would be the guy in this story. Dennis Locorriere, though? He's a true hard-luck hero.

6. Harry Chapin - There's a Lot of Lonely People Tonight

Every time I think there might be a little justice in the world, I remind myself of Harry Chapin: a supremely talented singer-songwriter from the 70s who should have been as big as Elton John or Billy Joel, but for whatever reason never quite made it. (The same could be same of Harry Nilsson. Maybe there's a curse on Harry's. Maybe Cliff was right to change his name.) There's A Lot Of Lonely People Tonight is from the excellent album Short Stories, and while it's nowhere near the best track on there, it's still beautiful. There's a fragility to Chapin's work you don't find elsewhere. You feel like he's lived these stories, every one of them. 

5. Justin Townes Earle - Am I That Lonely Tonight?

Top Charity Shop Buy of the week, the 2012 album Nothing's Gonna Change the Way You Feel About Me Now by Steve Earle's son, Justin (his middle name is a tribute to legendary country singer Townes Van Zandt). Excellent acoustic Americana that reminds me very much of Ryan Adams' debut (and best) album, Heartbreaker. The CD cost me 75p, but I'll definitely be buying more of this artist's work in the future. If I ever have any money again.

4. Richard Hawley - Lonely Night

Nobody else does loneliness like Sheffield's answer to Roy Orbison. This is from his first full-length album, released in 2001... though it could just as easily have been released in 1957. 

3. Elvis Presley - Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Originally written in 1927, and recorded many times before The King got his hands on it, Are You Lonesome Tonight? was a huge hit in 1960... but is arguably remembered more for the live version recorded in Vegas in '68 where Elvis cracks up laughing and can't make it through the song.

2. John Cougar Mellencamp - Lonely Ol' Night

A single from probably my favourite Mellencamp album, 1985's Scarecrow, this was apparently inspired by the Paul Newman film Hud. Apparently, the wife of one of JM's pals told him not to feature "pretty girls" in the video as it wouldn't be realistic to suggest they had lonely nights. Mellencamp responded by offering her a role. She accepted, and played his girlfriend.

She calls me baby
She calls everybody baby
It's a lonely ol' night
But ain't they all?

Now. Is it a better song than Elvis's masterpiece? Definitely not. But it means a little bit more to me - and that's what this blog is all about.

1. Paul McCartney - No More Lonely Nights

Well, here's a first. As previously mentioned, I have a kind of love/hate relationship with Sir Paulius Thumbs-Aloft, and though I respect all he's given us... sometimes, he doesn't half get on my wick. No More Lonely Nights - a majestically schmaltzy slice of 80s balladeering that Collins would have given his right drumstick for - really ought to be awful. You may well argue that it is. And yet, I have a huge fondness for it, from the shiver-inducing a cappella intro to the Dave friggin' Gilmour guitar solo at the end. Plus, if you read between the lines, it's as good a stalker anthem as Every Breath You Take...

And I won't go away until you tell me so
No, I'll never go away...

The video, which begins with a long sequence in which Macca plays some kind of lonely but jolly Clive Dunn character working the nightshift as a projectionist in a low rent cinema... before jumping into a Victorian dream sequence in which Ringo goes over a waterfall in a rowing boat (and then things get really weird)... almost made me bump it down to #2. (Although it's not as bad as the video to One Lonely Night by REO Speedwagon, which was SO bad it got them disqualified from this whole Top Ten.)




Hopefully, those ten songs made you feel a little less lonely tonight...

My Top Ten Mexico Songs

Hola, amigos, gringos and muchachos... and other stereotypical Mexican greetings. This week, in lieu of anything resembling a decent summer in the UK, I thought I'd go somewhere hot...




10. Morrissey - Mexico 

Always keen to sieze the role of the underdog, Moz finds empathy for Mex when he senses "the hate from the Lone Star State". (As we'll see later, not all Texans are enemies of Texas.)

It seems if you're rich and you're white
You think you're so right
I just don't see why this should be so

Sometimes I think he writes songs like this just to confuse the NME.

Special mention here to Jose Maldonado, The Mexican Morrissey.

9. Nirvana - Mexican Seafood

Kurt has a yeast infection and it hurts when he pees. No, really.

Originally recorded as part of Nirvana's first ever studio demo - way back in 1988, before Dave Grohl even joined the band.

8. James Taylor - Mexico

The idea of Mexico as an idyllic, take-it-easy getaway is questioned by the king of idyllic, take-it-easy Californian cool.

7. Cake - Mexico

I'll never say no to a slice of Cake.

I don't know much about Cinco De Mayo
I'm never sure, what it's all about
But I say I want you and you don't believe me
You say you want me but I've got my doubts

Apparently, Cinco De Mayo is the day the Mexican army thrashed the French. Seems reason enough to celebrate to me. (Only kidding, French readers.)

6. Toby Keith - Stays In Mexico

I'm often vocal in my defence of contemporary country against naysayers who claim it's cheesy, overblown, jingoistic nonsense.

I will stand up and make a claim for the best of the genre representing the kind of classic storytelling guitar pop Squeeze, Kirsty MacColl or Pulp once brought into the UK charts: the kind of songs you might think nobody writes anymore.

Toby Keith is an interesting case though. At times he commits all the crimes named in that first paragraph - sometimes egregiously. He has neither the wit nor the smarts of Brad Paisley nor the sincere pop cool of Blake Shelton. But on occasion, he writes a clever, amusing ditty like this one that I just can't get out of my head. It's about a couple of strangers who meet in a Mexican bar. Both are married, but not to each other...

One more tequila
And they were falling in love
One more is never enough...

I was amused by a review quoted on iffypedia saying the song was "great until you process the depth of its immorality; then, you’re just sick to your stomach." Yeah, like nobody's ever written a pop song glorifying infidelity before...

5. Frank Sinatra - South of the Border

Originally recorded by "the singing cowboy", Gene Autry, but nobody beats old blue eyes.

4. The Coasters - Down In Mexico

Classic Leiber and Stoller number from 1956, resurrected by Quentin Tarantino in the soundtrack of Death Proof.

3. Elbow - Mexican Standoff

Guy Garvey wishes a love rival dead... if only he was tough enough to take some kind of action... 

Your sweet reassurances don't change the fact
That he's better looking than me
Yet he'd look ideal 'neath the wheels of a car
Oh, Mexican standoff, I wish I was hard

One of the best lines in the second series of True Detective came from Vince Vaughan...

"That's one off my bucket list: a Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans..."

2. Fountains of Wayne - Mexican Wine

Love the Fountains - surprised they don't show up here more often. This is from the excellent album Welcome, Interstate Managers (one of their best) and it showcases their always entertaining mix of power pop guitars and Douglas Coupland-esque lyrics...

He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of promotion were set into motion

1. Blake Shelton - Playboys Of The Southwestern World

A few weeks back I was singing the praises of Shelton's Austin, but here we go a little bit further south as he and his old buddy John Roy take a Mexican vacation and end up with "a little change of plans... like when Paul McCartney got busted in Japan". With a little help from Van Morrison's Brown-Eyed Girl along the way (I love the way Shelton sings those sha-la-las kinda out of tune, like a couple of drunk mates would). A great song about friendship, with a wicked sense of humour and a wonderfully flawed narrator too.

Ah we're still best friends
(Temporary cell mates...)

Which is your Mexican Hat Dance?

My Top Ten Songs (Volume 2: May 2015)

Here are the worms that have been tickling my eardrums this month...


10. Ash - Cocoon

After 2007's Twilight of the Innocents, Ash claimed they were done with albums and would only release singles from now on because the internet was changing the way we consumed our music and kids were shit. Or something. Eight years on, thankfully, they've changed their mind, with a brand new album onomatopoeiacally titled Kablammo!

Judging from the opening single, there are no great leaps of innovation here, just hard & fast rock 'n' roll in the traditional Ash style, sounding like they never went away. It's good to have them back.

9. Modest Mouse - Pistol (A. Cunanan, Miami, FL. 1996)

Modest Mouse are a band I occasionally love, but never for an entire album (even when they rope in Johnny Marr, as they did last time round). Their latest long player, Strangers To Ourselves (like Ash, their first in 8 years: lazy gits), has some pretty good tracks, but only one that blows my socks off.

Pistol is told through the voice of serial killer Andrew Cunanan, the murderer of Gianni Versaci (and four other people). Taking place one year before his tragic killing spree, it's disturbing and exhilarating: like Natural Born Killers on warped vinyl.

8. Christopher Cross - Arthur's Theme (The Best That You Can Do)

Dudley Moore's Arthur is not a great film...don't try and convince me otherwise. It is, however, undoubtedly one billion times better than its dire 2011 remake featuring the execrable Russell Brand. Anyway, the best thing about Arthur is its theme tune, composed by the combined might of Chris Cross (not to be confused with Kriss Kross), Peter Allen, Carole Bayer Sager and Burt Bacharach. Yes, it's cheesy 80s soft rock of the kind many lump under the "guilty pleasures" banner these days... but I don't believe in guilt when it comes to music. Class is class.

Heard this again playing on a Gold station in the local café. Made my day.

7. LunchMoney Lewis - Bills

Look, kids, a quirky novelty rap record (with piano!) from the current pop hit parade... yes, they actually still have that. Anyway, LunchMoney (Gamal to his mum) will no doubt go on to a glittering career as another bland Kanye wannabe (without piano), but right now he's cool and different. And I still like his tune... although give it another couple of weeks and I'll probably be heartily sick of it. Such is the law of novelty records.

6. Juicy Lucy - Who Do You Love?

If there's a recurrent theme to this particular post, it's that I still discover a lot of music through (a choice selection of trustworthy) radio shows... and that when I hear a song I like that I haven't heard before, I often jump to wildly inaccurate conclusions. Like when I first heard this, I thought it must be a new Nick Cave record. Turns out it's a cover of an old Bo Diddly track, recorded in the early 70s by a British blues rock band who were previously known as The Misunderstood but changed their name in honour of a prostitute from Leslie Thomas's novel The Virgin Soldiers (filmed in 1969 with an uncredited cameo from David Bowie).

Anyway, this rocks like your mum's socks and doesn't sound like it's well into it's 40s. But then, neither do I.  (Or maybe I do. Make up your own minds.) Also, for those of you who are interested in such things, the album cover features various images of "a burlesque dancer named Zelda Plum, naked except for a covering of fruit". Ah, the 70s...

5. Used To - We Can Deal With The Details Later

Heard Jarvis playing this on 6Music and had to track it down. Cynical, world-weary indie, it could have been Luke Haines before he went batshit crazy. Apparently the band have an album coming out soon called 'Festival of Disappointment' which is a good enough title to get my money. Can't find anything out about them on t'interweb though, and they only appear in the video with giant mirrors on their faces. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this was another bizarre Luke Haines side-project. We'll have to wait and see.

4. Kool & The Gang - Get Down On It

Sam's first earworm. "Get Down... On It" has become his catchphrase over the last few weeks. We've even got him boogying to this... although he has a disturbingly Miley-esque twerk to his dance style that I'm hoping he grows out of before he embarrasses himself at the play group disco.

3. The Good Rats - Advertisement In The Voice

One of my favourite radio presenters at the moment is ex-Fun Lovin' Criminal Huey Morgan. He's on 6Music every Saturday morning but also does a bizarrely scheduled 3-6am show earlier on the same day on Radio 2. In the past, this'd mean his only listeners would be insomniacs and graveyard shift workers... but in the 24/7 world of takeaway i-Player programming, it means I can listen to him whenever I like. Which is good, because he plays a great mix of music (rock, funk, soul, hip hop, MOR), much of which I've never heard before... but I certainly want to hear again.

I've heard him play this achingly nostalgic ballad by The Good Rats a couple of times over the last few weeks and I was wondering whether it was a new release... until I did a little digging and discovered that it's from the band's 1976 album Ratcity In Blue. For those of you who've never heard of them before (myself included), The Good Rats came from Long Island, New York, and while they never quite made the big time, they did open for Springsteen, Meat Loaf and Ozzy (among others) and put out a good few records that are now on my Wants List.

Advertisement In The Voice will crop up here again if I ever do a Top Ten Lonely Hearts Column Songs. It stars a man who's got a good job, a nice house and all the trappings of wealth... but no one to share them with. And if I'd listened to those lyrics a little more attentively at first, I wouldn't have mistaken this for a new release...

I have a nine room house completely furnished in the best of taste
And I drive a brand new Porsche
I have a Quadraphonic system with complete access to tapes
And I could be your Santa Claus...

Ah, yes, 1976: when having complete access to tapes was the height of technological sophistication...

2. Elbow - What Time Do You Call This?

A new Elbow single is always a cause for celebration and this is Elbow at their most heartwarmingly anthemic. Sadly, it's not the precursor to a new album (though Guy Garvey's solo album should be out soon), instead it's a standalone "single" taken from the soundtrack of Simon Pegg's new romcom Man Up. As always, Garvey's lyrics perfectly mesh bittersweet romanticism with amusing northern colloquialisms to breathtaking effect...

Call me out on all my lies
Hold my ticker with those eyes
Weather every winter while
Check my spelling, ring my bell
Don't expect tender sex
Check my spelling, ring my neck
Separate me from my breath
Kiss me nearly half to death, ohh
(What time do you call this?)

1. Blake Shelton - Austin

I first came across Blake Shelton - and his debut single, Austin - a couple of years back while I was compiling My Top Ten Answering Machine Songs. I liked it enough that I bought his greatest hits package; but while there are many fine songs on that collection, my admiration for Austin just grew and grew. It's a great story - girl leaves boy, goes back home to her folks, realizes (after a year) that she's made a mistake, calls him up again as a longshot... and gets a surprise from his answering machine. But it's the minutiae of detail that make it so affecting, the inference that this guy is filling his life with activity - bowling, the Friday night ball game, weekends at the lake - to fill the hole she's left in his life. And though her response is cheese on a stick, if you don't get lump in your throat when you hear that last verse... you've no right to call yourself a hopeless romantic.

All that said, the one thing I can't get out of my mind is this: if this guy really is leaving details of his entire social calendar on his answering machine on a daily basis... it's to be hoped no burglars are calling.




So, those are the tunes that have been on high rotation in my head this month. What's been gnawing at your tympanic membrane?

My Top Ten Home Songs

To celebrate our new home - ten songs with the title 'Home'... and nothing else.


10. Blake Shelton - Home

Originally recorded by Michael Bublé, but I prefer Shelton's country take.

Also recorded by Westlife, but I've managed to survive this far without ever hearing their version.

9. Lene Lovich - Home

Not for the faint of heart.

8. Depeche Mode - Home

A song from the wrong side of town.

7. Villagers - Home

There's a scary story involving a saint and a snake going on in this track from Villagers' debut album... I'm not sure I know what it's all about, but I do know that Conor O'Brien looks about 12 in the video. It's not policemen who are looking younger as I get older: it's pop stars.

6. Sheryl Crow - Home

Sheryl can belt it out with the best of them, but on a subdued song like this one, she really shows she can sing.

5. Public Image Ltd. - Home

I've never been able to take John Lydon seriously. If I did, I'm not sure I'd like him.

4. American Music Club - Home

I'm afraid of my own shadow because it's what I've become
Why do I waste my time with people who'll never love anyone?

3. Billy Bragg - Home

Can't find this on youtube, but Billy's having a big row with them at the moment over artists' royalties, so perhaps they're limiting his exposure. It's a pretty rare track though, from his internet only release 'Pressure Drop' that followed some of the major themes in his book The Progressive Patriot...

I walked down from the station 'cause I wanted to see,
The kind of things that you might miss from the back of a taxi,
There's just no way to tell you what these things mean to me
This is home.

The place I threw my guts up outside the old wine bar,
The junk shop on the corner where I bought my first guitar,
The grass verge by the pig flats where we sat and revved our cars,
This is home.

2. Iggy Pop - Home

Imagine if everybody in the world was as cool as Iggy Pop...

1. Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

An irresistibly catchy whistling refrain (often used as backing music on TV programmes) grabbed my attention... but it's the cutesy, conversational boy-girl vocals from Jade and Alexander that kept me coming back.

Jade?
Alexander?
Do you remember that day you fell outta my window?
I sure do ‒ you came jumping right out after me.
Well, you fell on the concrete, nearly broke you ass, you were bleeding all over the place, I rushed you out to the hospital, you remember that?
Yes, I do.
Well there's something I never told you about that night...
What didn't you tell me?
Well, while you were sitting in the back seat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deep in love with you, and I never told you till just now!




There were a bunch of other interesting Home songs in my library - including goodies from The Lilac Time and Hefner - but I couldn't find any of them online. Bloody useless internet.

Anyway... which one would you come home to?

My Top Ten Answering Machine Songs

Ten great songs left on answering machines...


10.  Ben Folds Five - Your Most Valuable Possession

So, apparently, Ben Folds' dad suffers from somniloquy, a condition where you talk in your sleep... which makes you, apparently, ring up your rock star son and leave garbled messages on his answering machine which he then sets to music and uses to pad out his records. Or so the internet would have me believe.

9. Dandy Warhols - Phone Call

I don't know the story behind this disturbing series of answer phone messages set to haunting music... but it scares the hell out of me nevertheless.

8. Laptop - End Credits

If you came home to an answering message like this one, you'd probably never sleep again.

7. Blake Shelton - Austin

Big-stetson C&W at its most shamelessly cheesey. Nothing wrong with that.

If you're callin' 'bout the car, I sold it
If this is Tuesday night, I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

6. Cinerama - Maniac

On the other hand, some exes leave rather less romantic answerphone messages. This one drives David Gedge to call back... no doubt making matters much worse. You've got to learn when to let it drop, Dave.

And when I made that stupid oath
About how I was going to
Pay for someone to kill you both
It was just my way of showing you
That I wasn't playing

Oh yeah, you're right, I sounded like a maniac
But that's just what I'm saying
You'll only see how much I've changed
If you come back

5. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir

Not the first time I've found a way to include this song in a Top Ten... doubt it'll be the last. A tribute to Shirley's dear departed dad, it's one of the most emotionally devastating songs I've ever heard. Never fails to bring a tear to my eye*, especially when he plays that answerphone message at the end.



(*As proof, I just listened to it again now and my eyes are streaming.)

4. Paul Evans - Hello, This is Joannie (The Telephone Answering Machine Song)

Wow. Not heard this for years, but it does remind me of my childhood. Guess they must have played it lots on Radio 2 when I was 7.

Evans was an old rock 'n' roller from the 50s - he had a hit with the original version of Seven Little Girls (Sitting in the Back Seat). This was a surprise comeback hit in 1979, another excellent car crash song... with a morbid twist. The answerphone chorus is sung by Lea Jane Berinati. In case you were wondering.

3. De La Soul - Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)

You know, the one that Curiosity Killed The Cat... borrowed.

2. Pulp - Ansaphone

Are you really not at home?
Or are you there but not alone?
Screening calls you don't want to receive
Meaning calls... calls that come from me.

If you weren't such  perv, Jarvis, she'd pick up.

1. The Replacements - Answering Machine

Raw and beautiful, Paul Westerberg and co. at their best.

How do you say goodnight to an answering machine?

Leave your favourite after the bleep.