Showing posts with label Ultrasound. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ultrasound. Show all posts

Friday, 14 June 2024

The Past Is Another Blog #3: Spam Ain't What It Used To Be


Back to trawling through my old blog for recycled content. The next post I came across is from...

TUESDAY 19 DECEMBER 2006

...and what's interesting is that I'm writing about a phenomenon which I suspect no longer exists, at least not in the form I describe here. I'd forgotten all about this weird kind of spam email we used to get. I guess the spam blockers are so much more sophisticated nowadays, and the bots have moved onto other things. Still, it's a fascinating window on the past...

Natalie polychromes lonely pedant.

Since they decided to take away our spam-filter at work, I’ve been flooded with hundreds of those fascinating emails for stock tips and Viagra from people called Flossie Marks, Gloria Beard, Houston Stout and Carmela Slaughter (which always makes me think that Chris Morris might be involved)… and I’m becoming strangely enamoured by the copy that arrives with them. Presumably it’s just some clever way of bypassing certain spam-detection programmes, but if you take a moment to actually read it, you'll find a twisted genius at work. An Edward Lear, Spike Milligan, or even Grant Morrison of spam.

Alice Cooper - No Baloney Homosapiens

Our priest, carving the bread up the hill, isn't tirelessly unfirm.

Oh, I know it’s nonsense – but it’s often strangely poetic nonsense… and I’m starting to think this could in fact be my dream job – writing email gobbledygook for the world’s spam champions (did someone say ‘Spampions’?) Yes, I know what you’re going to tell me. It’s not an actual human being sitting in a lonely garret composing these odes to penis size and Wall Street… it’s just randomly generated computer blather, an IBM Macbeth churning out idiotic sound and fury that signifies nowt. But still, there’s something beautiful in it. In a sort of ‘found art’ kind of way.

Apparently musical ability and the bread and red sauce, plus… between the furrows. I should be safe enough here. I clamped my jaw.

Ultrasound - Nonsense

My favourites at the moment are these eerie paragraphs of haphazard sentences that follow a set pattern of ‘noun verb adjective noun’ (though occasionally crying out for a definite or indefinite article, the programme’s obviously not smart enough to select the correct one).

Saskatoon plumes wide calypso.

Telugu texturizes sore parrot.

Karloff conscripts dark polio.

Sigur Rós - Gobbledigook

It’s the deliciously bizarre, incongruous and esoteric word choices that make them so appealing. You never get anything as trite as ‘Fred jumps fat dog’. They’re like those creative writing competitions where you’re given a title and asked to make up the story from there. Except these titles are far more interesting. I mean… imagine the story behind:

Edgewood outfloats pleasant incubus.

Leave me now, I’ve got to start writing…

Captain Beefheart - Tropical Hot Dog Night

Is is possible to get nostalgic for email spam? They don't even make that like they used to...


Monday, 19 September 2022

Celebrity Jukebox #35: Kurt Russell


Kurt Russell stars in one of my all time favourite movies: John Carpenter's remake of The Thing. It's a far better movie than Alien, in my humble opinion, and with all due respect to Sigourney (who will surely feature here one day very soon). 

Kurt began acting at the age of 12, back in 1962, when he appeared in a short-lived Western TV show, soon after signing a lucrative contract with Disney that carried him through his teenage years until he teamed up with Carpenter to create some of the most memorable action movies of my youth - not just The Thing, but Escape From New York and Big Trouble In Little China... as well as Carpenter's Elvis biopic, in which Kurt got to wear the Blue Suede Shoes. He maintained a high profile well into the 90s with movies like Tango & Cash, Backdraft and Tombstone, and has done pretty well in the 21st Century too, turning up in big franchises such as The Fast & The Furious and Guardians of the Galaxy, as well as a number of roles for Quentin Tarantino, most notably Deathproof. He also received credit from Tarantino in the recent novelisation of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood as one of the major sources of "old Hollywood" stories Quentin mined for that movie.

But how does Kurt do in the world of popular music? Well, as with most action heroes, he gets crow-barred into about 350 obscure rap songs, in order to create tough guy cool by association. But I'm only going to include rap songs here if they actually live in my record collection, otherwise they'd clog up this feature and I'd be the sad 50 year-old white dude trying to prove his cred by name dropping artists you and I have both never heard of such as Vinnie PazGangrene, and Hoodie Allen (who at least gets points for his cheeky pseudonym). Special mention must however go to this, which I guess is kind of rap pastiche, but it did raise a momentary chuckle...


Mom says I'm sweet as dessert
Been that way ever since birth
You know who it is
Homie, it's Peach Fuzz Kurt Russell
Baby face with lots of stubble
Homie, it's Peach Fuzz Kurt Russell

At the other end of the spectrum, if you fancy a bit of Northern Irish thrash metal, you might lend your cotton-wool padded ears to this...


You'll be Tango
Kurt Russell
I’ll be Cash
Kurt Russell
Drinking cider
Kurt Russell
Smoking hash
Kurt Russell

However, nothing beats this, from local heroes to this blog (they formed while at Wakefield College), Ultrasound. This is one of their very best tunes, yet (such are the vagueries of rock 'n' roll) it was only ever released as a b-side. It was, however, one of the very first songs I thought of when I first came up with this series. Go on, put your hands down my pants...

You're never gonna see me fall,
I'll always be there when you call,
I want to be your hero,
Kurt Russell, Eastwood and me.



Monday, 30 August 2021

Snapshots Spillover: More Actor Songs

Following on from this weekend's Snapshots, featuring songs named after famous actors, I had something of an overspill... so here are some of the runners up.

April March - Stay Away From Robert Mitchum

Keep your grubby hands off Mitchum
He's rugged and he's handsome
And spurns the likes to you
Touch him and you'll be through

Julian Cope - Robert Mitchum

The part in Ryan's daughter
Where you lose your wife
I've never seen a more dignified man
In my life

Robyn Hitchcock - Gene Hackman

Different to the Hoodoo Gurus song featured yesterday, but equally enjoyable...

He's got an evil grin
He's got curly hair
And every time he smiles
It means trouble somewhere
So don't talk to me about Gene Hackman

Neon Neon - Michael Douglas

'Cause you'll see my reflection (reflection, reflection)
In Michael Douglas's mirrored sunglasses
You'll see my perfection (perfection, perfection)
In Michael Douglas's mirrored sunglasses

The Rakes - When Tom Cruise Cries

TV's on, Tom Cruise crying on his father's bed,
Reminds me what that French guy said,
From news to movies all the crap with it,
Headlines keep you excited,
Like when Tom Cruise cries,
It's all lies

Bananarama - Robert DeNiro's Waiting

I would have included this on Saturday, but I felt it was a little too obvious, even for me.

The Thrills - Whatever Happened To Corey Haim?

Postal Service - Clark Gable

I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired
I thought it classic

Deacon Blue - He Looks Like Spencer Tracy Now

He may have been a nationalist, a physicist or a pacifist
But he's just taking pictures and he'll do it anyhow
Well, I have seen that movie of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
And I know he looks like Spencer Tracy now

Bree Sharp - David Duchovny

Watching the sky for a sign
The FBI is on my mind
I'm waiting for the day
When my lucky stars align
In the form of...
David Duchovny floating above me
In the alien light of the spaceship of love

Deep Purple - Vincent Price

I want seven screaming virgins on a sacrificial altar
Hell and God, screeching doors, zombies, aaaaah!
It feels so good to be afraid
Vincent Price is back again

Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi's Dead

Bela Lugosi's dead
The bats have left the bell tower
The victims have been bled
Red velvet lines the black box

Elton John - Roy Rogers

Oh, the great sequin cowboy who sings of the plains
Of roundups and rustlers and home on the range
Turn on the TV, shut out the lights
Roy Rogers is riding tonight

And my personal favourite...


I want to be your hero,
Kurt Russell, Eastwood and me



There's no doubt plenty more where they came from, but that's enough actors for today. Drop me a comment if I've missed one of your favourites and I might do a follow up post... but remember, we're leaving the ladies for another day.

Sunday, 29 December 2019

Saturday Snapshots #116 - The Answers


What is Saturday Snapshots?

Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget
Like the strangers that you've met...

Fortunately, they need be strangers no longer, because here are this week's answers...


10. Get Snake or MacReady to scan the fetus.


You scan the fetus with an ultrasound.

MacReady and Snake Pliskin were characters played by Kurt Russell.

Apologies for the obscure b-side side, but... what a tune!

Ultrasound - Kurt Russell

9. Contemporary Leg Joint Company.


Knee-Co?

Contemporary = these days.

Nico - These Days

(I think she was going out with Jackson Browne at the time she decided to record his tune.)

8. ...a foundling offers self-help?


"The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling" is the full title of Henry Fielding's novel Tom Jones.

Self help? Help yourself!

Tom Jones - Help Yourself

7. Sweet lady's latest issue.


New Edition - Candy Girl

6. Not Gwen Stefani. You hit that on the head!


That ain't (the lead singer of) No Doubt. You hit the NAIL on the head.

Jimmy Nail - Ain't No Doubt

(She's lying.)

5. Cher greets ten p, catches a Clodoald double-decker.


"Cher greets ten p" is an anagram.

Google "Clodoald" and you'll learn he was also known as Saint Cloud.

Gretchen Peters - On A Bus To St. Cloud

4. Get to the other side of CX Avenue without Cecil or Linda.


CX Avenue would be 110th Street in Roman numerals.

Cecil & Linda were Womack & Womack. But it's not them...

Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street

3. Elvis: born in the 70s.


Elvis was the king rocker.

If you were born in the 70s, you were Generation X.

Generation X - King Rocker

2. Reins? Smoke rings.


Reins are bands on horses.

Cigarettes are smokes; rings are wedding bands.

Band of Horses - Cigarettes, Wedding Bands

1. There's a ding dong when skins split... but Travis is outside to take you home.


Banana skins. Banana split. Rama lama ding dong.

Travis Bickle was a Taxi Driver played by...



They would not listen, they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will

But if they change their mind, Saturday Snapshots will be back next week...

Monday, 11 February 2019

Monday's Long Song: Blue Remembered Hills




I thought I'd jump on Drew's bandwagon this week and have a go at selecting a Long Song to ease us into Monday... just as The Swede, Swiss Adam, Walter and others have also been doing.

Anyway, here's twenty minutes of Ultrasound from their 2016 album Real Britannia, a song that encompasses Mel C's tears, shorts and scuffs and beans for tea, Tiny's dad's nervous breakdown, cross-dressing, sex like you thought only Jarvis could write it, Noggin The Nog, Jimmy Saville's shit-stained covers, 70s nostalgia in the Luke Haines vein... and blue remembered hills.

All human life is here.




Thursday, 2 March 2017

My Top Ten (Late) Albums of 2016: Number 8



This series is all about the albums I might have included in my end of year Top Ten for 2016 had I got to them in time. The weird thing is, I did buy Ultrasound's Real Britannia the week it came out and because I love their previous two albums, 1999's Everything Picture and 2012's Play For Today, I fully expected to be writing about album #3 in my year end list.

The problem is, it came out in early December, which didn't really give me time to properly listen to it. I'll admit, I panicked and shoved it into rotation in the car, then became frustrated when it didn't immediately leap out screaming LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME. I resigned myself to the fact that if I did include it in my list, that would be more down to past glories that current adoration, and I pushed the album to one side.

Then came the January wilderness when I often get time to catch up on music I've not given enough time to in the pre-December crush. That's when I found myself revisiting Real Britannia and discovering its hidden depths. It might not be as immediate a record as its predecessors, but there's a hell of a lot to love... even if it is only 6 tracks long.

The album kicks off with a roaring indie guitar anthem about cross-dressing (something of a recurrent theme for the band), extremely timely in its suggestion that the era of tolerance and acceptance is at end for anyone remotely different: "there's a twister on the way".



Up next, a direct reaction to that: God's Gift, a Jarvis Cocker-esque rallying cry for mis-shapes and misfits everywhere...
We feel the need before we come to the dance
We come in peace, we fall to pieces
We smash and grab and then we smoke some fags and leave
A complete change of pace follows with a slice of righteous Riot Grrl action, Soul Girl, composed and sung by bassist Vanessa Best: giving regular lead singer Tiny both a rest... and a run for his money. No Man's Land channels 80s nuclear war paranoia (also timely now Trump's got the briefcase) and then comes Asylum, where music is the perfect escape route for us all...
Everybody's got an axe to grind in my town

They'll steal the light out of your eyes if you let them

So I just put my headphones on

Surrender to the song

Asylum
All of which brings us to the final track... or Side 2, as it would once have been known. I've seen Blue Remembered Hills called a "prog Epic" and compared to the latter half of Abbey Road because of its length (over 20 minutes) and the fact that it's made up of more than 6 different tunes, seemlessly woven together in Tiny's autobiographical confessional which starts thus:
Oh please

I feel like a boy band feels

Lame

As crippled as Mel C’s Tears

Chauffeur me

Cradle me

Mum and Dad

Save us from the secrets of love
And after that, it gets really good. Supposedly inspired by both Dennis Potter and Ken Loach, Tiny recalls the childhood of a "big fat cuckoo" from Wakefield (a town I pass every day on my way to work). It starts happily enough with "Shorts and scuffs and beans for tea" until his father has a nervous breakdown and heads down south, never to return, leaving Tiny feeling "just a waste of space". Bullying, drugs, nascent sexual encounters, more cross-dressing, Noggin The Nog: it's all here, yet the raw honesty of Tiny's words never become depressing. There's actually something hugely inspirational in it, even when the lyrics turn from personal woes to the poisoning of the outside world.
And those who thought they were innocent times

Nostalgia made them go blind

For all those modern lovers

And now we view the world of Top of the Pops

As something falling like rocks

On Savile’s shit stained covers
Yet despite this, Blue Remembered Hills is a song about not letting our good childhood memories be destroyed by darkness. Its message seems to be not to give up on nostalgia. There were good times, amidst the bad. There always are.
The endless sun

Cross country runs

The glam rock beat

The 3 day week

The waist high grass

The P.E. class

The Oxford bags

The woodbine fags



The past is a shining sea that’s drowning me

So I get my kicks from those who fall like me

Into the deep blue
You know what, Real Britannia might not be as immediate as Ultrasound's first two albums. But give it a little bit of time and it reveals its true identity: it is their masterpiece. It's Real and it Rules. I just wish they hadn't released it in December, because this really is one of the best records of 2016.

Buy it so Tiny can buy some more fetching onesies.

 


Sunday, 30 December 2012

My Top Ten Albums Of 2012


OK, yesterday I did #20 - 11. Before we get to the Top Ten though, I'd like to take a moment to mention a record that would have made this chart, had my copy not arrived earlier this week, after my Top Twenty had been put to bed. (I ordered it ages ago, but the postman obviously nicked the first one as it never arrived... something that's happened quite a lot this Christmas.)

Anyway, The North Sea Scrolls is a collaboration between "The Legend That Is" Luke Haines, former Fatima Mansion Cathal Coughlan, and author / Blazing Zoo frontman Andrew Mueller. The Scrolls tell a secret, semi-hidden history of the British Isles in which Ian Ball (from Gomez) is replaced by Ian Ball (the attempted kidnapper of Princess Anne in 1974), Arthur Scargill becomes the Witchfinder General, the obscure bit-part actor Tony Allen is revealed to be "...the hidden hand behind the paintings of Sir Francis Bacon, the secret lover of Sid James, a patient of R.D. Laing, an assiduous curator of Northern Soul, and the probable catalyst for the least tedious stretches of the career of Fleetwood Mac", Enoch Powell is made Poet Laureate (as well as joining Steve Hillage in Gong), and the DJ Chris Evans is burnt at the stake, only to subsequently become a martyr.

"He said 'Cry no more for Jimmy Five-Bellies
Save your tears for Billie'.
Hospital radio to the breakfast show
The flames kissed my golden curls - and I kissed a thousand girls
Oh, I was a sinful man... when I was a kissogram."

Frankly, it's a work of genius (a horrifically over-used word, even on this blog, but rarely more accurately applied) and it might easily have slipped its way into my Top Three of 2012 had I not already unveiled #11 - 20. I'd recommend you purchase a copy of the limited edition 2 disc CD before they're all gone (I think there's a few still left on Amazon, after that it'll be available by download only).

"...however, as the album in question... is a suite of obtusely satirical songs linked by whimsical spoken word sequences... absolutely nobody pays any attention."




10. Bruce Springsteen - Wrecking Ball

Because he's still The Boss and he's still got plenty to say. And because seeing him live again this summer was a highlight of my year.

Recommended tracks: Death To My Hometown, Wrecking Ball.

9. Ben Folds Five - The Sound of the Life of the Mind

Still not sure why Ben felt the need to get his old band back together, particularly as the resultant album sounds no different to the material he's been releasing solo since the Five split 12 years ago. While not quite as earth-shatteringly brilliant as his recent collaboration with Nick Hornby (though one track is a leftover Hornby co-composition from those sessions), the album does feature a song which advises, "If you can't draw a crowd, draw dicks on a wall" and a video featuring Fraggle Rock. What else do you need to know?
Sara already knows pretty soon she'll be leaving
Well, she's hoovered up whatever she can find
But she doesn't want to hear about
Pregnancies, foam fights, TV, take-outs, have sex, weddings
The sound of the life she'll leave behind
Recommended tracks: Do It Anyway, The Sound of the Life of the Mind.  

8. Dexys - One Day I'm Going To Soar

27 years after their last album (god, that makes me feel old), Kevin Rowland drags back a couple of his old collaborators, adds a couple of new ones, and unleashes a monster only he could have created. An autobiographical concept album that won't be for everyone... but if you get it, you'll love it.

Recommended tracks: I'm Always Going To Love You followed immediately by Incapable of Love. (You have to listen to them in that order.)
 
7. Jack White - Blunderbuss

Of course, Jack White's first solo album doesn't sound any different to The White Stripes - he even rips off his most famous guitar riff on one track. That said, in places this records sounds both ultra-contemporary and fabulously retro. There are very few artists who can straddle 60 years of rock 'n' roll so effortlessly. Plus, I'm a sucker for the Noo Yoik accent Jack adopts on I'm Shaking. "You got me noivous."

Recommended tracks: Freedom At 21, I'm Shakin'.

6. Fun. - Some Nights

See, the charts aren't all bad these days. Fun. do exactly what it says on the tin - huge indie-tinged pop anthems that owe as much to Queen as they do The Killers (in an ideal world, perhaps they should have called themselves Killer Queen). We Are Young succeeded because of its epic chorus, yet it's the unpredictable verse I found most interesting, in a curious, Franz Ferdinand fashion.

Recommended Tracks: We Are Young, Some Nights

5. Martin Rossiter - The Defenestration of St Martin

Someone else who's been away far too long. The last Gene album was released in 2001: Martin's been threatening a solo assault ever since. The Defenestration... wasn't entirely what we'd expected, a subdued affair made up largely of piano and vocals (cheekily, he throws in an electric guitar in the final fade out), yet it's as beautiful and devastating as the best of his Gene work and an intensely personal statement besides. A record everyone should hear, though I doubt they will.

Recommended tracks: Drop Anchor, I Want To Choose When I Sleep Alone. (But I only chose them because they were the best quality tracks on youtube.)

4. Rumer - Boys Don't Cry

An album of covers written by the cream of 70s singer-songwriters (including Gilbert O'Sullivan, Clifford T. Ward and Neil Young), from the most angelic voice in contemporary music. Rumer, dear, you had me as soon as I heard your beautiful version of Jimmy Webb's PF Sloan. I don't think I'll ever tire of listening to this record. 

Recommended tracks: PF Sloan, Home Thoughts From Abroad, A Man Needs A Maid

3. Ultrasound - Play For Today

And finally in our "Where The Hell Have You Been?" category: Wakefield's own Ultrasound. Back in 1999, Tiny and co. released one epic rock album, Everything Picture, and a handful of classic singles (that Kurt Russell was only ever a b-side is a testament to the quality - and bizarre choices - that characterised their previous output) before splitting up and calling it a day. And then, perhaps because everybody had given up hope of ever hearing their like again, they returned late in 2011 with one of the best singles of last year, followed by one of the best albums of this. Stick around a bit longer this time, please.

Recommended tracks: Welfare State, Nonsense.

2. Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

I was tempted to drop this down a few places purely because of the enormous success Ms. Del Rey has enjoyed this year. Since when were my year end picks so populist? But I can't deny it: I've listened to this record more than just about any other this year. OK, in places, it does sound very similar to Like A Prayer era Madonna - but that was Madonna at her best. And yes, the hip hop Nancy Sinatra act will soon get tired. The record company's milking Born To Die for all it's got... which makes you wonder if Lana will ever match it. Whatever - no other record says 2012 for me like this. Whether I'll still be listening to it in 20 years is another question. When was the last time I listened to Like A Prayer?

Recommended tracks: Video Games, Radio.

1. Mystery Jets - Radlands

With their fourth album, the Mystery Jets stepped up from being just another fun little indie band to become serious contenders (just like Noah & The Whale did last year). Wearing their influences on their sleeves (blatantly on the excellent "dividing up our record collection" lead single Greatest Hits), they delivered a record steeped in 70s Americana, all the way from Twickenham.

Recommended tracks: The Hale Bop, You Had Me At Hello... or any of the other 9 songs on this unswitchoffable collection.




So, those were the albums that made my year. Go buy them all now and enrich your record collection. Then tell me yours...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...