Conversations With Ben #25: Bluff

Ben: Joe Perra Season 3 is on All 4 as of today!!

Rol: Cool. I will fire up the kitchen TV.

(For some reason, I can only get All 4 on the kitchen TV, not the one in the lounge.)

Is there a chair or do you stand to watch it?

It's the kitchen. There is a dining table and chairs. Although, as a family, we spend more time playing Ticket To Ride there than eating.

Europe or America?

Europe. Wild West. 1812 expansion pack. France. London. New York is in the cupboard, but we haven't played that yet.

I think New York is my favourite as it's only a 15 minute game.

Use it as more of a warm up game before something with a lot of depth.

So is London, but I prefer the games to go on. I'd rather have an unlimited supply of trains and just keep building more and more routes. It's preferable to actual adult responsibilities and stuff.

(Bit obvious that, I know.)

Louise is going out tonight, so I was looking forward to having the big TV to myself... 

Only now we've had a power cut.

And since you're no longer at The Bad Place, you don't want to just sit in the dark crying?

Saturday night crying in the dark... reminds me of my 20s.

Do you have six dice?

Farkle could be something a bit different.

Or if you have two dice and 12 paperclips or other small objects, you can play Pickup.

Both quick games. Farkle is a point scoring game, Pickup is chance.

Can you play them in the dark?

With a torch.

You could always play Blind Man's Buff.

I think you might mean bluff.

Buff.

Maybe yours is a more niche version.

Mrs. Ben and I had this exchange a while back....

It's Buff.

Buff means nekkid.

Bluff means bluff.

Ben sends a link. 

You just have to make everything about sex.

"The traditional name of the game is "Blind Man's Buff", where the word 'buff' is used in its older sense of a small push."

Yes, but Wikipedia can be edited by people who are desperate to win arguments.

As an academic, you should know it's not a reliable source.

Ben sends another link. 

Though not discussing the game itself, these articles clearly indicate the qualities of the game Blind Man's Buff as a stand in for more serious issues that are mirrored in the gameplay.

That sentence made no sense at all. You're just trying to bamboozle me with words now.

Also, I note that it took you quite some time in between replies. Long enough to write a couple more website articles to back up your fallacies.

Sage has an average of 8 months before an article is accepted for review, more if they want any changes or amendments. If not, it's still three more months until it goes online.

I'm not sure about Wiley as I've not sent anything through them.

Presumably that's powered by ACME.

If I had done such a quick turnaround, then it most definitely wouldn't have been cited in at least 7 other papers which also need to go through a similar process.

Now you're just trying to blind me with academia.

Me, I found only one song that referenced Blind Man's Buff...

Whereas I found loads that reference Blind Man's Bluff, including Depeche Mode, Aerosmith, Rush, The Inspiral Carpets, Del Amitri, The Blue Osyter Cult... and this:

I know who I believe.

I didn't realise that being a successful musician meant you had to have knowledge of the history of children's games.

And anyone that can be grouped with the Inspiral Carpets is a group I would go to great pains to distance myself from.

The Typhoo Tea of Britpop.

Clint Boon was a god.

I'd rather take advice on children's games from him than Robert Plant.

Also, they were way before Britpop.

They're older than you!

I have no respect for a band that does a reunion show once a week at The Leadmill.

Either write some new music or commit to a tour that's not also full of washed up bands.

This Is How It Feels is an anthem of my late teenage years.

Meant a lot to me, that song.

I thought you were in your late thirties when that came out.

I was 18.

They were the equivalent of The Rakes to my generation.

I prefer Boon's quirky solo stuff though.

White No Sugar was great.

Power still off. 

Keeping ourselves entertained though... Sam has created his own version of Ticket To Ride. Geography is a bit suspect.

Meanwhile, I'm currently lighting a bonfire out of CD inlays in the back garden to cook a dead rat on.

24 hours and you've already resorted to savagery.

Is it at least CDs from Uncut?

I'm starting with the Morrissey CDs.

Taking them out of circulation rather than donating. Smart.

It's kind of the opposite of burning a KKK cross.

This is my Morrissey substitute these days. It's like Morrissey Methadone...

Has the power returned to the house or are you even more feral?

Louise was just about to saw off my leg when the electric came back on.

I don't understand why that stopped her.

Me neither.

Saturday Snapshots #95 - The Answers

Girls, Girls, Girls... and boys, boys, boys: welcome to the Mötley Crüe that is the Saturday Snapshots answers for this week. Hopefully these will Kickstart Your Heart for Sunday morning...

(Speaking of kickstart, I'll be back later this week to talk about a project I'm involved in that may be of interest to one or two of you.)

No scores this week due to my computer still being in a box, but you all did very well. #9 was pretty obscure...


10. Johnny's pal sounds bitter alongside young adults, considering passionate idiots.

Frankie & Johnny.

Bitter lemon.

Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers - Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

9. Black Widow stolen by part of 10.

Take the Teenagers from #10 and add Scarlett Johansson. (Or Starlett Johansson, as they changed the title to.)

The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson

8. Big easy invitation to boogie.

New Orleans is The Big Easy.

Orleans - Dance With Me

7. Can you see swirls in the pattern on the rug, by yourself?

Spirals in the carpet?

The Inspiral Carpets - This Is How It Feels (To Be Lonely)

6. Undyed tennis player sings for Irish lad.

Andy Murray, without the dy, becomes Ann Murray.

Danny Boy is an Irish lad.

Anne Murray - Danny's Song

Gorgeous tune. Written by Kenny Loggins, of all people.

I have not seen Family Guy, but apparently Lynchie reckons you can learn all sorts about Anne Murray from it.

5. Fling, forever, no score.

A fling is another word for a love affair.

Forever is Everlasting.

No score (in tennis) is love.

Love Affair - Everlasting Love

4. Lazes, like 6, with Aussie outlaw and zero moose.

Lazes = Idles.

#6 was Danny's Song.

Aussie Outlaw was Ned Kelly.

A moose is an elk.

Zero = 0.

Ned+elk+o.

Hard work this, sometimes.

Idles - Danny Nedelko

3. Oklahoma resident in Armani has shocking nightmare.

A person from Oklahoma is an Okie.

Giorgio Armani.

Phil Oakey & Giorgio Moroder - Together In Electric Dreams

2. Survivors of the apocalypse politely address Magnum.

They says roaches will survive the apocalypse.

Magnum was Tom Selleck.

The Roches - Mr. Sellack

1. Oldest string game played by Potter in dry-lipped pub.

Harry (Potter) has chap(ped) lips at the inn.

The cat's cradle, according to iffypedia, is one of the oldest games in recorded human history. THis is what kids did for fun before Xbox and Netflix...

Mansize tissues at the ready...



No need to Shout At The Devil - Saturday Snapshots will be back next week.

My Top Ten "Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover" Songs

Sound advice, I'm sure you'd agree. Here's ten songs that remind us not to do it...

10. Stevie Wonder - You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover

I'm not going to make the obvious remark here, because it would be crass.

9. Rupert Holmes - Nearsighted

I've been listening beyond Escape & Him. It's all part of my mid-life crisis that I feel the need to dig into 70s MOR whenever life gets too much. Here's Rupert Holmes singing a song about - literally - being nearsighted. Sounds a lot like Barry Manilow on this one.

I don't judge a friend or lover

By a first or second look

Nor a book just by its cover

I can't even see the book

8. The Castiles - You Can't Judge A Book

A rough around the edges live bar-room cover of a Bo Diddley classic. Hardly a great recording, but their guitarist shows promise. He could go far.

7. Dolly Parton - Backwoods Barbie

From the heart...

I've always been misunderstood because of how I look.

Don't judge me by the cover 'cause I'm a real good book.

So read into it what you will, but see me as I am.

The way I look is just a country girl's idea of glam.

6. Inspiral Carpets - Directing Traffik

You can't judge a man by his skin

Or a book by the cover it's in

But I can't help feel it's true

The devil's got a hand on you

Ray Manzarek, Clint Boon. That's how you start a list of the most distinctive keyboard players in the history of rock.

5. The Hawk - Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover (feat. Little Hannah Collins)

Must admit, I stumbled across this one by accident... but it's bloody good.

4. The Lucksmiths - Danielle Steele

She'd look beautiful in a tea towel

But she's dressed up to the nines

She's covered herself in make-up

But she can't make up her mind

She's a damsel in distress

She feels a damn fool in this dress

She lives alone

And I know how she feels

She has the mind of Sharon Stone

And the heart of Danielle Steel

Genius lyrics here.

Spends hours in front of the bookcase

A beast with two paperbacks in bed

She's read them all from go to woe

And arranged them from A to Z

And you can judge a book by it's cover

A kingdom for a horse, a condom for a lover

3. The Temptations - Beauty Is Only Skin Deep

A pretty face you may not possess

But what I like about you is your tenderness

A pretty face maybe some guys taste

But I'll take lovin' in it's place

Charming! You're no oil painting yourself, mate.

2. Aerosmith - Dude (Looks Like A Lady)

Legend has it that Steven Tyler walked into a bar, spotted Vince Neil from Mötley Crüe from behind and was about to go chat him up until he realised his mistake.

So never judge a book by its cover

Or who you gonna love by your lover

Love put me wise to her love in disguise

She had the body of a Venus

Lord, imagine my surprise!

1. ABC - The Look Of Love

If you judge a book by the cover

Then you judge the look by the lover

I hope you'll soon recover

Me I go from one extreme to another

I'm not sure that really makes sense, but Martin Fry's lyrics never really did stand up to much analysis. Fortunately, his tunes were solid gold.


If you judged any of my suggestions too harshly... feel free to supply alternatives.

Hot 100 #35

Welcoming us to the number 35 on our countdown is Italian "cinematic funk band" Milano 35. Here they are in action. 

35 proved a tricky number for those of you who are playing along at home, with only 4 of our regular correspondents having anything to offer. Here's a selection of those...

Martin started us out with a lyrical reference which sent him down a scary internet rabbithole of old The Word performances.

Inspiral Carpets - Saturn 5

Laying down the lifeless corpse of President 35

The lady crying by his side is the most beautiful woman alive

I should have included that in My Top Ten JFK Songs.

Lynchie also had a lyrical offering...

Christy Moore - Blackjack County Chains

I was sittin' beside the road in Black Jack County.
Not knowing that the Sheriff paid a bounty,
For men like me that hadn't got a penny to their name.
So he locked my leg to 35 pounds of Black Jack County Chains.

Whereas our Canadian correspondent, Douglas, chose to play it safe this week with suggestions from two of my all-time favourite artists. Surely one of these must be the winner?

Bruce Springsteen - My Hometown

Last night me and Kate we laid in bed
Talking about getting out
Packing up our bags maybe heading south
I'm 35, we got a boy of our own now
Last night I sat him up behind the wheel and said, 

"Son take a good look around...
This is your hometown."

Billy Bragg - Speedway Hero

So fill her up and pick her up
And ride into the breeze,
You're taking all the corners
That were at the 35 degrees.
It's so hard to face up to
It's not in no highway code,
Another speedway hero's coming home.

That one even feels like Billy channeling Bruce, so extra points right there.

However, I decided to go another way this week, and I'll explain why in a moment. First though, the usual trawl through suggestions kicked up by my own hard-drive...

Saint Etienne - 4:35 In The Morning

Spacemen 3 - 2:35

Rodney Crowell - I Want You #35

Carla Bruni - Ballade At Thirty-Five

Onto this week's winner then, as suggested by The Swede (good to have you back) and seconded by Lynchie. Regular readers will know that The Swede suggests a Bob Dylan track most weeks on this feature, and most weeks his suggestions fall on deaf ears. This week he hit on an obvious classic though. Blonde on Blonde, the album this comes from, was the first Dylan album I ever bought, and for a good few years it was the only one I owned. I listened to it a fair bit while trying to get into his Bobness at a young age, and while it didn't quite persuade me to obsessively hunt down the rest of his back catalogue, I fostered a strange affection for it. If I was forced at gunpoint to name a favourite Dylan album, this would be my go-to. Everybody must get stoned.

That said, don't expect it to show up again at number 12. I can easily think of a dozen songs that would come before it.



34 next week. Another tough one. Your help greatly appreciated.

Hot 100 #64

No.

It was just too obvious a choice.

Plus, it's one of those Beatles songs that always annoyed me, even when I was a huge Beatles fan. Like most of the songs Ringo sang. (I've got a lot more time for him as a singer when he's not in the Beatles.)

Alyson did come up with some interesting research in her efforts to persuade me, and I'm never one to let other people's hard work go unrecognised...

Paul McCartney put lyrics to the music for the song later, in honour of his father's 64th birthday. Paul also split with Heather Mills when he was 64 so the answer was, no, she definitely wouldn't still be sending him a Valentine.

Also, as we all know, two of the Beatles sadly didn't make it to 64.

What else do we have then?

The Swede started out by taking one very small step away from the Fabs... The Rutles - Back In '64.

Then he zoomed as far away from them as possible with 64 Bits & Malachite by Baloji… which is... interesting. (I have become wary of any opinions that could be construed in any way as negative on this feature since I mumbled something vaguely disinterested about one of your previous suggestions a few weeks back, only for the artist themselves to - apparently - leave a comment.) So:  64 Bits & Malachite - instant classic! Thanks, Swede.

Martin then joined us, saying, "There's a lot of bang-average country, rap and Americana that all seems to reference cars from '64. I'm not going to pitch them all. Or any." Which is a shame, because I'd probably have liked all of them. Still, I appreciate your restraint.

Instead, Martin offered the following lyrical 64...

The Inspiral Carpets - Saturn 5

Lady, take a ride on a Zeke '64.

Two mentions for the Carpets in one week. Respect to the Oldham massive. Nice organ.

Lynchie also went the lyrical route, with a fine piece of Americana... Kate Campbell - Trains Don't Run from Nashville.

Momma waved goodbye to Daddy as he went off to war
She stood right here crying back in '64
And now it's me that stands here all alone on this old platform
And the trains don't run from Nashville anymore...

And then Jim from Dubai popped up with "the brilliant MJ Hibbett - Hey Hey 64K", which does actually turn out to be brilliant... although I only ever had a 48K. I used to dream of a 64K.

This week's winner, however, was suggested by both Martin and Rigid Digit, and comes from - no lie - one of my favourite albums of the 80s. It's the one song by this act that everyone knows, but the rest of that album really is quite special too.

Well they passed a law in 64

To give those who ain't got a little more

But it only goes so far...

Nothing so obvious for #63, I don't think. Over to your suggestions...

The United Kingdom of Song #4: Oldham

A short drive over the Pennines from where I live would once have taken you straight into Lancashire, and one of the first towns you'd come to would be Oldham. A touchy subject that, because Oldham ceased to be a Lancashire town back in 1974 when it was swallowed whole by the sprawling beast that is Greater Manchester. Oldham elders still bear the scars.

Musically, Oldham gave birth to The Inspiral Carpets, N-Trance and Bernard Cribbins.

Lyrically, I found more songs that mentioned Will Oldham or Andrew Loog Oldham than the town itself, but Thea Gilmore's My Beautiful Defence does find her "in a café on Oldham Street"... although that still probably isn't in the town itself.

Thank heaven then for Hull-born Everything But The Girl whose song Anytown starts out by mourning the loss of individuality to many northern towns...

Over dale and over hills
I'll take you through the cotton mills
To the ginnels where we played
And where are friendships all were made

Still they came and tore them down
And now we live in Anytown
They came and tore it down
And now this place could be Anytown

...before Tracy reveals in the song's closing moments...

Summer in the driving rain

I can hear the Oldham train.

300 miles from Oldham, next week, down to the south east coast to pay tribute to a recently departed visitor who immortalised our destination in song.

The Hot 100 Countdown #96

96 could only have been one song, but there have been many fine versions over the years... so which is my favourite?

Chris and The Swede both went for the original by ? & The Mysterians, one of the original garage bands, led by the very Jagger-esque Rudy Martinez.

Lynchie suggested a live version by Richard Thompson & David Byrne - now there's an unbeatable team-up! Suits them both very well.

C went for Big Maybelle's version - never heard that before, but it's a cracker.

Charity Chic introduced me to Eddie & The Hot Rods take on it... very good too.

Swiss Adam suggested the Primal Scream cover... pretty trippy... I always like it when the Scream go mental like this.

Nobody went for the other two versions in my record collection: Garland Jeffreys or The Inspiral Carpets, but both are worth the odd spin. (That organ solo must have been irresistible to Clint Boon!)

Once you start digging around on youtube, you can find all manner of treats, including Aretha, Iggy... even Bruce. But for me, it goes back to my first love. The version I first heard. The version I bought on 7" inch single back in 1990. Congrats to Alyson and Rigid Digit for guessing right this week.

Take it away, Hugh...



95's going to be a bit tougher to guess, I reckon. Any takers?

My Top Ten Caravan Songs

Apologies for the dearth of Top Tens over the last couple of weeks. May is the busiest month in teaching - the GCSE English exam is just over a week away as I type this and so things have been pretty hectic for me (not that my students seem unduly concerned by its imminence).

Anyway, it's a Bank Holiday Weekend here in the UK, and across the country folk are dusting down their caravans and heading off to seek the sun. Here's ten songs they might play on the way.

Special mentions to Caravan*  and the mighty, mighty Camper Van Beethoven.

(*A curious psych-folk band with a very dubious taste in album titles: Cunning Stunts, For Girls Who Grow Plump In The Night and If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You. Ah, the 70s. Different times.)



10. Blur - Caravan

I'm glad Blur finally got their act together and brought out a new album this year. I've only listened to it a few times, but I already know it's better than their last, Graham Coxon-less, effort, 2003's Think Tank. Caravan comes from that record, and like most of the rest of the album, it sorely misses Coxo's guitar.

9. Black Sabbath - Planet Caravan

Normally, if you went on holiday and ended up parking your caravan next to Ozzy & co., you'd very quickly move somewhere quieter. However, you might stick around if all they played was this trippy psychedelic number. Not at all what you expect from the BS Boys...

8. Courtney Barnett - Kim's Caravan

A haunting, mesmeric ode to our dying world from the Australian wunderkind's debut album, Sometimes I Sit And Think, And Sometimes I Just Sit. (Great title.)

7. The Adventure Babies - Camper Van

A lost indie gem from the last band to sign to Factory records before they went bust in the early 90s. The EP this came from is available to download free from the band's website.

6. Ella Fitzgerald & The Duke Ellington Orchestra - Caravan

Wow.

5. Van Morrison - Caravan

Van The Man and his Caravan. CaraVan The Man. Etc.

Timeless.

4. The Doors - Spanish Caravan

See, the Doors weren't all portentous doom, Oedipal urges and Viet Nam. They liked to travel round Europe in a caravan with a flamenco guitar too.

3. Jim White - If Jesus Drove A Motor Home

If Jesus drove a motor home,
And he come to your town,
Would you try to talk to him?
Would you follow him around?
Honking horns at the drive thru.
Double-parking at the mall.
Midnight at the Waffle House...
Jesus eating eggs with ya'll.

Well, would you?

2. Inspiral Carpets - Caravan

Can't go wrong with a bit of Clint Boon's majestic organ.

1. The Housemartins - Caravan of Love

Christmas 1986, and fourteen year old Rol stands on the edge of the dancefloor at the school disco wondering if anyone will ever slow dance with him to the Housemartins' a capella cover of the Isley Jasper Isley song Caravan of Love.

No one ever did.





So... which one will you get stuck behind on the motorway?