Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate

Nov 22

I only got to see this 1971 tv movie recently and it was ok, nothing special and surprisingly quite serious subject matter, i did expect a little more light heartedness.

I can only assume this was expected to be a series with the 4 old lady sleuths, but perhaps it didnt quite work, and surprise suprise just 1 year later....... The Snoop Sisters.

The Snoop Sisters was a 5 part whodunnit movie length series staring Helen Hayes and Mildred Natwick, who just happened to be 2 of the 4 ladies from this film.

Anway this proved to be a great idea as The Snoop Sisters was far more entertaing, funnier and just more likeable in general.

So this is OK, but if you do like this then check out The Snoop Sisters.

6 little old ladies out of 10.

Helen Hayes, Myrna Loy, Mildred Natwick and Sylvia Sidney are four oldsters in a Pasadena bridge club who concoct a fictional girl for a computer dating service; they want to live vicariously through the responses their creation will receive (I guess), but instead they attract the attention of a psychopath (Vince Edwards, who talks to himself in a 'creepy' voice-over: "I'll get her some flowers...yeah, chicks dig that!"). Made-for-television mystery with a light touch attempts to balance wry character portraits with standard police detective work, with pallid results. Despite an Emmy nomination for Hayes, the female leads aren't able to create actual characters (it's just not there in the writing). Edwards, paunchy with spectacles and his hair combed down over his forehead, looks like an actor at the end of his rope. Hayes and Natwick went on to become "The Snoop Sisters" for a TV-movie and short-lived series.

This film led to The Snoop sisters, a short lived TV series in which two elderly ladies get caught up in murders as twin Miss Marples.

The story is about four elderly ladies in southern California, all pretty well off, all played by easily recognizable actresses of Hollywood's Golden age. They eat, shop, and play bridge together, but they are also rather bored. So they decide to fill out a form for a computer dating service, making up the girl who is trying to date - 5'7, blonde, blue eyed, 125 pounds, 23. They give her a made up name, making sure nobody else who has that name is in the telephone book, and also indicate she has no phone so nobody will try to contact her. Thus any correspondence will be by mail through the service.

But things run amok. Their imaginary dating profile matches with a nearby psychopath. The funniest part of the film is this guy's inner monologue translated into hippie talk - "Gotta stay cool. Don't get too heavy.... She'll think this is groovy" And so on. The guy sounds like Austin Powers without the charm and flair for fashion. And everything is about him, perceiving every coincidence or mix up as some lie or disrespect paid to him. This leads to him believing that a girl he picks up in a bar is actually his computer date, and when she says she is not, he kills her.

The four older women read about the crime in the news and think it has something to do with their computer dating antics, and thus begin their investigation, bumping into the police several times along the way.

Of the four older ladies Helen Hayes is supposed to be the most modern one with the most precocious ideas. But they don't make this ridiculous like some films did of 50 years ago, having older women act like 25 year old hippies, just in older bodies.

"Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate" is a fun made for TV movie from 1971. I am pretty sure the success of this film led to a similar short-lived TV series, "The Snoop Sister"--with two of the same four stars who played the leads in this movie.

When the film begins, four cute old ladies meet for lunch (Helen Hayes, Mildred Natwick, Myrna Loy and Sylvia Sidney). Over lunch, one of them has a hair-brained idea....which shows that these women are really bored and have way too much time on their hands! For kicks, they'll create a fake persona and enter her in a computer dating service-- just to see what happens next. Unfortunately, one of the guys turns out to be total psycho (Vince Edwards)...one that is very scary and resourceful. Little did they know that the fake meeting they set up turns out to end in murder, as the crazed man thinks another woman is his computer date...and when she is confused and tells him to leave, he kills her! Now, he could come looking for the old ladies...or, these spunky old ladies COULD come looking for him! Either way, bad things could easily happen to them!

The reason this ridiculous plot works is that these old ladies are so gosh-darn cute. Additionally, the big confrontation scene with the murderer turns out to be very funny...something I didn't expect. Well made and fun...and one of the more enjoyable "ABC Movie of the Week" installments.

Never having seen this made-for-TV movie at its 1971 release, I assumed with these four talented thespians between the ages of 60 (Sylvia Sidney) and 70 (Helen Hayes), that it was purely a comedy - and that's how it opened.

I particularly got a kick out of Shelby's (Mildred Natwick's) comment about her husband hating computers and saying "they were invented by the Democrats to destroy the Republican Party." Wow, I certainly didn't see THAT remark coming.

However, being privy to Vince Edward's character's "mindspeak" narrative got to be distracting and irritating to the point of muting. His character seemed to be in an entirely different movie from the other four veterans!

Overall, I enjoyed these four Manhattan-drinking pros immensely, especially Hayes and Natwick. Loy was not her usual Nora Charles self but rather serious as Hayes' more practical sister. And Sidney with her hat pin was a hoot. I wonder how many people will remember her in two of her later roles in Beetlejuice and Mars Attacks. It would have been a joy to see the four reunite in more movies. Rest in peace, ladies! God bless!