The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!

Most people seem to hate this movie and basically anything associated with director Milligan. It's slow moving, has awful make-up and lighting and a huh (!?) chaotic ending, but some of the performances are actually pretty good, the overkill melodrama is hilarious and it's kind of interesting...for awhile.

In England, poor Gerald (Ian Innes) is in for a treat when he visits the family mansion of his new bride Diana (Jackie Skarvellis). Pa Mortimer (Douglas Phair) is a bedridden grouch, older sister Monica (Hope Stansbury) is a childish psycho, mom Phoebe (Joan Ogden) is a miserable mess and retarded brother Malcolm (Berwick Kaler) is kept chained-up in a secret room. Only the older brother seems normal. Something isn't right, as the son-in-law soon realizes, but his wife won't let him leave. Yes...they all turn out to be werewolves guarding the family secret.

The older insane daughter torments the chained up brother by insulting him and beating him with a belt in some outrageous out-of-place scenes. She also buys a cage full of flesh-eating rats from a grimy vendor and in a shocking, standout scene, nails a REAL rat on a board! The whole rat idea has no relevance to the plot and was added by the director to bulk up the running time and cash in on the success of WILLARD, so that (sort of) explains the title.

Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, The (1972)

BOMB (out of 4)

Legend has it that Milligan turned in a 72-minute werewolf movie but the producer wanted a longer running time. WILLARD was making big bucks at the box office so twenty-minutes worth of rat footage was thrown in. The end result is one of the greatest titles in the history of cinema but that doesn't save you from the torture of sitting through the actual film. A wacky bride takes her new husband home to meet her even nuttier relatives and he soon discovers that they're all crazy and hiding a big secret (they're werewolves). This was my fourth Milligan movies and I'm a firm believer that those on Death Row should be forced to watch his movies for the rest of their lives because it's a punishment far worse than death or torture. In fact, while watching this movie there were several times where I started to fantasize about being put to death in the electric chair because it would have gotten me out of my misery a lot quicker than sitting through this mess of a picture. This is basically an incredibly bad, long winded and painful melodrama about family "struggles" with only the briefest of hints in regards to what the title offers. I was well aware of this going into the film but it didn't help matters because the dialogue, for the most part, is poorly written and there's not an ounce of energy to be found anywhere. The performances aren't as bad as you'd think but that really doesn't improve the film any. At least bad acting would have given us something to laugh at. People like Wood and Adamson are often attacked for being bad directors but at least they give the viewer something fun. That can't be said for Milligan whose ability to keep finding producers really makes me scratch my head. This is an incredibly horrid movie from start to finish and we also get several scenes were real animals are harmed so certain viewers might want to stay away if the horrid film itself wasn't enough to keep you away. Just wait to you see the rat attacks and the insane ending.

The crazy title of this film would seem to indicate that it's a bad movie, but that doesn't even come close to describing this film and just how bad it is. The film reaches levels of amateurism that are hard to believe and you just have to see it to believe it. I'll try to describe its wretchedness as best I can. The acting appears about the same quality as local community theater. Not a big community and not a good theater mind you. The actors(?) over-emote wildly but that is not the big problem. The big problem is that they deliver their lines so rapidly that it makes your head spin and the director (Andy Milligan) SHOULD have told them all to slow down. The costumes and sets are just odd. But the oddest thing is the strange and disjoint plot. At times, it is enjoyable as a guilty pleasure (much like "Spider Baby") but much of the time it just seems like everyone is winging it!

The film begins with some nonsense involving some maniac lighting someone on fire. Exactly what's going on is vague and you hear from the demented family that the youngest son has once again run amok. Soon the youngest daughter who has been away at college arrives home with a new husband. Her father is not happy—apparently there are weird genetics abounding in the family and her duty is to work on some formula to correct it. At this point, it is obvious the youngest son is some sort of primordial weirdo—not really a werewolf. However, you soon see that one of the three sisters is just plain nuts and delights in tormenting and tearing apart animals. This is the part that angered me because they really did torment animals for the picture—and I think the animal that was literally ripped apart on the camera might have been a real animal. Normally I am not a big supporter of PETA, but here they really have reason to be angry! There's also a deformed guy who loves rats and sells them to this crazy sister—but none of it really made sense. It was more like watching a freak show as the actors hammed it up and tried to shock the viewer. The biggest shock for me, however, is that the film just rambled and seemed to have no point or direction. The only reason I am giving this one a 2 and not a 1 is that it did keep my attention—at least for a while. All the nutty antics were mildly interesting. But artistically, this film is just awful and pointless.

If you care (and really, you shouldn't), the nuttiest sister refers to her new pet rats by name—one of which is Ben and the other Willard—and are taken from the movie "Willard".

I first met Andy Milligan in 1985 and told him how much I enjoyed his movies. I remember how he actually blushed when I asked for his autograph. This 1972 movie is his best . . .but I am the first to admit that is small compliment. The Mooney family has no end of problems. Pa Mooney claims to be 199 years old, daughter Monica (Hope Stansbury) is a sadist, son Malcolm is a halfwit and the whole family are werewolves! There is enough plot here for two movies! The eldest daughter in the family (Jackie Skarvellis) returns home from medical school with a new husband, which Pa Mooney heartily disapproves of, but she is the last hope that they can overcome the ancient curse. Will she succeed? Remember, this is an Andy Milligan film we are talking about! Clearly Hope Stansbury is the best actress in the picture. A Milligan perennial, she turns up in several of his pictures. Andy always denied it but I suspect it is he playing Mr. Macawber, the one armed, disfigured shopowner who sells Ms. Stansbury the rats which serve to pad out the picture by 11 minutes (11 l-o-n-g minutes!). Notice during one scene in Mr. Macawber's shop if you look at the background you will see several cardboard boxes labeled "Hires Root Beer". A great movie? No. A fun movie? Yes, definitely. I miss you Andy.

I'm not going to try to pretend that this (or any other Andy Milligan movie I've seen) is actually a good movie, but I can't help feeling there's a good movie buried somewhere in this mess, trying to fight its way out. The dialogue, while soap operatic, is reasonably intelligent, with none of the overt howlers that make (for example) Ed Wood's movies so laughably amusing. Some of the performances are pretty good. The principle locations are quite good. And there are moments of (twisted) imagination. But countering these assets are debits too numerous to mention. The technical standards are pathetic. Even granting that is was shot in 16mm reversal nearly forty years ago the picture is grungy and badly lit. The sound is so bad that you frequently can't understand what the characters are saying. The costumes were apparently whatever Milligan could get his hands on. The editing is poor, the make-up is poor, and (perhaps most unforgivable of all) for a horror movie the shock scenes are very badly handled. I'm glad I satisfied my curiosity by checking this movie out, but I don't think I could sit through it again.

And if that really was a live rat being nailed to a board, then that's the part that's TRULY unforgivable.