Artemis 81

Okay, so Artemis gets off to a dodgy start with Asrael sounding like the decapitated Dr Hill in 'Re-animator', followed soon after by the dreaded hubcap shot (although that may have been a deliberate spoof, you never know with this epic.) However, intrigue soon captivates and the production becomes enthralling. Surprisingly, as homo-erotica is not my first choice viewing, nor am I a devote of crosswords, Suduko and puzzles in general. It takes a little adjusting to because the characters speak in elliptical and metaphysical terms, occasionally lapsing into jarring movie speak such as: "what the hell is this place?" although purposefully, I suspect. It's not always clear what is real or imaginary, for instance, how the two protagonists got from what appeared to be a polluted East-European country to Wales, but you always want to know what happens next. The Bela Lugosi/Hitchcock references may be over-literal for some. For instance, I exclaimed: "oh, look, a Hitchcock blonde!" only to find the actress listed as 'Hitchcock Blonde' in the end credits. But the playfulness helps offset any pretensions.

Artemis would have made a great widescreen feature, not that it would have made a penny at the box office. For something done with such obvious love and commitment, it is woeful that it has never been repeated or released retail. It really is beautifully done. Those who like the children's sci-fi serial 'Sky' may like this, although Rudkin is ideologically opposed to interventionist supreme beings. Brazil also springs to mind, although Artemis is diametrically opposed to that film's freneticism. A rum concoction for sure, but I for one can't wait to see it again.

I just wrote 'I'm astonished it exists' while reviewing something else and it goes double for this. Others have already made better attempts to review it than I can, but I want to add it to my list for the sake of those who haven't heard of it.

I'm not even going to try to describe it, but here are some of the things I have exclaimed to people when failing to do so after watching it:

Sting is an Angel! Or perhaps some kind of alien! Hywel Bennett is in love with him! Or vice versa! Hywel Bennett descends into Hell or some kind of parallel world which is like Liverpool only they speak Estonian backwards and there's constant tannoy and posters warning you about crab monsters! There's a long-haired musical genius with this statue of a goddess who causes suicides all around him and is going to play a song that will end the world!

It's three hours long! They showed it without a break on the BBC at Christmas back when there were only three channels! And when TV was allowed to take risks.

It's not for everyone but for me the three hours passed in a flash. Some of it went over my head but at bottom it's a simple and powerful morality tale. Unlike some other reviewers I loved the poetic dialogue. It's worth watching for the bizarreness and unlikeliness and grandiose ambition alone - the joyous sense that you can do anything you damn well like in art and that some people have done - but it has far more going for it than that.

I recommend watching the writer David Rudkin's fantastic Penda's Fen first as an introduction to his world.

I first saw this when I was 10 years old and it baffled me. As it's never been repeated or made commercially available I've been waiting ages for a DVD release to see if I can make sense of it. It's a film that deserves a second look, without a doubt - and thankfully the audio commentary with the director and writer explains so much, because without it you'll still be scratching your head and muttering "what the hell was that all about..." In particular, that strange, terrifying Eastern-block country Gideon finds himself in. Fepiz! was the title of DC Thompson's Dandy comic that is seen next to a copy of his own book, and for some reason it's that image that has always stayed with me since '81. Listen to the audio commentary for an explanation of that strange language and the city as a whole. A fine and Fepiz work? Not a masterpiece by any means, verging on the pretentious at times but brave, ambitious and with some disturbing imagery that will remain with you for a long time.

Almost forty years ago, I lost three hours of my life watching, and trying to make sense of, this film. I still don't really know what it is about even today, when helpful people have written explanations and put them on the Internet.

My main memory is of Gordon Sumner aka Sting, standing on an obviously freezing beach wearing a bathrobe, stating "I am not uncomfortable, I am not of this world", his nose pink with cold.

By all means watch this film, but please don't expect to make any sense of it.

This is the most excruciating, teeth-grindingly slow and incomprehensible piece of television I have ever sat through. It is almost unbelievable that this once received over three hours of Christmas prime-time terrestrial television programming. If anyone out there has seen this and can tell me anything about what was going on at virtually any moment of the proceedings after the author's van blows up, can they please e mail me and enlighten accordingly. I felt that this could have been at least an hour shorter but perhaps the extreme length was part of the makers intention. Certainly there are many striking images and memorable lines of dialogue but I found the pace to be impossible to bear at one sitting. Nevertheless, a very brave piece.