Night Train to Terror

I remember having seen "Night Train to Terror" on VHS twelve or thirteen year ago when I was a kid.This trippy and disjointed celluloid nightmare was sewn from condensed version of low-budget horror movies "Death Wish Club","Cataclysm" and an at-the-time unfinished 1982 film "Scream Your Head Off".The campy discussions between God and Satan takes place on a train known both as the Heavenly Express and Satan's Canonball since it carries unknowing souls to one or the other destination.In the first story "The Case of Harry Billings" a man is kidnapped and taken to an insane asylum were he is put under hypnosis and lures victims to become tortured and murdered as part of an organ-harvesting operation.The second story "The Case of Gretta Connors" entails two young lovers who become involved in a sinister cult of people fascinated with death.The final story "The Case of Claire Hansen" involves an apprentice to the Devil who is out to destroy mankind and a group of immortals who are out to stop him.Very amusing and and inept horror film perfect for the lovers of cinematic trash.8 out of 10.

This is a grab bag of a movie, with all sorts of things to offer as long as you don't expect to see a conventional film in any way, shape, or form. It has gore, nudity, bondage, humor, stupid stuff, smart stuff, and everything in between, AND MORE! I had to cut loose with this one, it's so much weird fun. I have to wonder what it would be like to watch this one on any kind of drugs. What we have is a train carrying a kitschy 1980s new wave band doing some hilariously dated vintage-MTV-style routines. Also on board are God and "Mr. Satan", who are engaged in competition for souls of some other people supposedly on the same train. (Of note also is the small role of the conductor, who has some cool, darkly humorous dialogue.) We get to see the cases of the people whose souls for which God and Satan are vying for, which, in actuality, are three different movies (the unfinished movie "Scream Your Head Off", "Death Wish Club", and "Cataclysm") cut down to size for your warped, brain-numbing enjoyment. Two of these entries feature Charles (a.k.a. Richard, or "Bull" from "Night Court") Moll! My favorite of all the stories is definitely the one that was culled from "Scream Your Head Off", which would've been a cool movie if they would have been able to complete it. What a shame! I swear Richard Moll makes for one memorable psycho in that one. Another thing I love is what God has to say about rock n' roll music! I tell you, if God were this cool, I'd be in church everyday! I dig this whole paste-up movie, as you can tell. It's this wild overload of stimuli, like they were just taking everything weird and off-the-wall they could think of and tossing it into one big, freaky mixing bowl. I admit the "Cataclysm" entry is more sluggish, but it's interesting in a lot of its own ways. (I love the on-air speech Moll gives: "What I'm about to say will cause you pain...") I am glad I was able to find this forgotten extravaganza of stylishly bad cinema for only two dollars, because it is loads of wacky fun.

So Byron Yordan says to his uncle Philip one day "uncle Philip, me and some friends would like to do an MTV video but we have no talent and no idea, how can we make an MTV video uncle Philip?" Or groveling to that effect. To which Oscar winning script writer uncle Philip Yordan replies "why I know just the antidote to cure your ails, we'll grab three movies on which I recently worked ("Cataclysm", "Death Wish Club" and "Scream Your Head Off" which we never finished) and get old mate John Carr to graft them together like an elephant trunk onto a mouse. Then we'll edit you and your friends into the story as musicians travelling aboard the "Night Train To Terror".

And now you're up to date. Tony Giorgio and Ferdy Mayne play Satan and God respectively riding aboard the night train, on which said rock band mince about in Flashdance garb singing their signature tune ("Everybody's Got Something to Do, Everybody But You") while Giorgio and Mayne review a series of vignettes debating whether the characters should be acquitted to heaven or hell for their deeds. Essentially previews the three aforementioned movies, conjoining them for the absolute mothership of all horror anthologies. Lashings of sadism, nudity, an abattoir-sized load of body parts (no exaggeration) and nonsensical editing that you absolutely have to see before you depart this mortal coil.

John Philip Law is the mind programmed maniac who lures women to an asylum where Richard Moll lies in wait, hacksaw at the ready in the unfinished "Scream Your Head Off" while in "Death Wish Club" a misguided porn star is born and then inducted along with her smitten boyfriend into death defying games that test the mettle of brave participants - this one is pretty surreal with head-crushing, brain-frying gore galore. The final vignette is extracted from "The Omen" inspired "Cataclysm" starring Cameron Mitchell, Marc Lawrence and Faith Clift as God's desperate rearguard against Satan and his claymation army. It's well photographed but comes off the worst of the trio due to the clumsy truncation. Overall this anthology's construction is as ghastly as the special effects it previews and needs to be witnessed to be fully appreciated.

Night Train To Terror is a genuine modern classic. It's a three-part horror anthology edited from three movies, two of which were released separately (Cataclysm and The Death Wish Club) and the third of which was never properly finished. It doesn't make any damn sense, although Richard Moll appears in two segments complete with hair.

The stories are hosted by God (played by "Himself," really Ferdy Mayne) and Mr. Satan (played by "Lu Cipher," ha ha indeed) who sit on a train where a terrible breakdancing '80s band plays the same song over and over again. Highlights include, well pretty much everything. The first segment (the unfinished one) is the most extreme, featuring lots of sadistic violence and gratuitous nudity. The second, The Death Wish Club, is the weakest, although it's still basically a series of cheesy, fun death scenes. The third segment, Cataclysm, has been punched up with new footage of badly-animated stop motion monsters throwing dolls of the characters around.

Not one of the three stories is coherent, but the whole thing is immensely entertaining for fans of strange bad movies. Sit down with some friends and some kind of intoxicating substance (by which I obviously mean beer or other alcohol, I wouldn't advise anyone to take anything illegal, no sir) and you'll have a whale of a time with this one.

Man, is this a fine slice of fetid, aromatic eighties cheese or what? An anthology movie made from three films edited down, with added gore and effects, linked together by segments involving God and the Devil on a train, trading souls while a typical eighties band plays a song about how everyone's got something to do (except you). Great stuff.

The stories themselves are fine too, probably because of all the added blood and gore (and possibly the removal of all the boring bits). The first story involves a man who has been brainwashed into kidnapping people who are then tortured, cut up, and sold onto universities. Sure, it's daft, but way over the top in the gore and nudity stakes, so who's complaining? It's quite nasty, this one. I have no idea what the original film was called.

Your second story here is a diluted version of a film called Death Wish Club, which I've heard of but never seen. This involves two young lovers trying to escape the influence of an evil gangster who doesn't want the girl to be free, and ropes (sometimes literally) the two into joining the Death Wish Club, where folks dice with death (rather graphically). Another winner here, although the ending is a bit abrupt and unresolved. I'd read that the stop motion bug thing was added later.

Last and lengthiest is an edit of 'The nightmare never ends', another one I'd heard of but haven't seen. We have a Catholic surgeon and her husband, who has just written a book called 'God is Dead'. Meanwhile, you've got Cameron Mitchell on the trail of a seemingly immortal guy called Olivier, who seems linked to some gory murders (courtesy of some hilarious new footage). Olivier wants to recruit the surgeon's husband to work for Satan, but it's obvious to everyone within a 300 mile radius that the guy who doesn't believe in God isn't going to believe in Satan either, stupid. I'm guessing that The Nightmare Never Ends was a bit tame in the killings stake, as the new footage involves a stop motion demon stomping on badly animated people. I liked it and found it creepy in places.

The wraparound segment is a hoot too – how can you dislike a film with such a cheesy pop song running through it. This film is daft as hell and a lot of fun. What more do you want from a film? Look – if you're even looking at a review of a film called Night Train to Terror, I'm guessing you're probably not on the lookout for socio-political subtext and meaningful studies of the human condition. What you get here is beheadings, Lycra, sweatbands, boobs, faces exploding, demons, people melting. It's the kind of film where all is good in the world.