Black Devil Doll from Hell

Shot-on-video horror movies are probably the only kind of movies that come close to the depressing look of video pornography. The sheer lack of production values leads the viewer to contemplate whether or not the money that he or she has in their wallet could have funded a better piece of cinema. That said, BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL is just about the shoddiest movie I've ever seen, and that's saying something! I've braved more bad movies than I can even remember, and this one ranks pretty much as one of the three all-time worst pieces of galloping horse crap that I have ever endured. Terrible pacing, an annoying casiotone sound track, execrable acting and a truly pointless story are just some of the many non-highlights.

The only reason to see this is for the unintentionally hilarious rape scene wherein a pious sister of the church is tied down to her bed and given a serious rodgering by an evil, horny ventriloquist's dummy with dreadlocks. The scene where he "orally pleasures" her will forever be burned into my memory, not only because if was silly beyond all human comprehension, but because his tongue looks like a popsicle stick. And, yes, we do get to see his, er...wood. Rent it, and fast forward to this scene. After seeing it, immediately remove the tape from your VCR and use it as a skeet shooting pigeon.

Do we really need a title sequence which lasts for six minutes, forty-nine seconds?

Do we really need a bone-gratingly bad metal song played over the aforementioned six minutes, forty-nine seconds-long title sequence?

Do we really need to hear a five-minutes-long telephone conversation, while the camera aimlessly roams about the girl's apartment, drifting slowly in and out of focus, as if the cameraman forgot what the hell he was supposed to be filming and why?

Do we really need such obnoxious, over-poweringly LOUD noises, buzzes, and hissing on the soundtrack? Buzzing noises which can make dogs start baying two blocks away?

And must those ear-shattering noises accompany such ugly female nudity?

Do we really need to see this woman repeatedly getting boned by the doll that she bears an uncanny resemblance to?

What was the purpose of the still-photographs used during the attack scenes? Was it to conceal the crappy effects?

And if the doll keeps returning to the same Thrift Store by itself, why the hell doesn't the Thrift store worker just get rid of the bloody haunted thing?

None of these questions, and less, may ever be answered, even by the few people who have the tolerance to endure this putrid example of shot-on-video horror.

Not that it matters, but this is basically a one-person story, about the title object terrorising a pug fugly woman in her house. Well, actually it was probably filmed in Chester Novell Turner's house, on Chester Novell Turner's camcorder, written by Chester Novell Turner, directed by Chester Novell Turner, produced by Chester Novell Turner, edited by Chester Novell Turner, scored by Chester Novell Turner, with sound effects by Chester Novell Turner, featuring friends of Chester Novell Turner, and probably distributed by Chester Novell Turner, who handed copies of this to random passersby on the street, and leaving copies of it in local video stores, and perhaps anonymously mailing copies to people he didn't like.

It is kind of admirable, really, that this goofball had the commitment to actually see something like this through, and that he could actually persuade his friends to be in, and work on, a film like this, and see it through fruition. But really, it is an awful monstrosity of a so-bad-it's-good movie. Chester Novell Turner's friend David Ichikawa provides what is quite possibly the worst song in the history of recorded music, until that little toilet-bug Damon Fox came along nine years later with "his" Traces of Death.

The Simpsons tackled this same basic premise far more effectively (and funnier) eight years later, in the 'Klown Without Pity' segment of Treehouse Of Horrors III. Watch that instead.

Unbelievable obscurity from the mid-80s revels in its pornographic and horror inspirations. A church-going lady saving herself for marriage goes shopping at a thrift store and picks up a Jamaican puppet believed to have evil powers. It then proceeds to rape the living bejeezus out of her and turns her into a horn dog, only human meat cannot satiate her newfound hunger for puppet penis. Absurd on every level with pacing that can block a magnum bullet, this has garnered a cult status for all the right reasons. Only a few freeze frame montages show any creativity and deliver the biggest belly laughs, unless you count the disco scene from 1984 with numerous extras shaking their booties to Casio music. Which is the film's other main asset: score. The opening credits droll for a full 6.5 minutes with an accompanying song you'd swear was performed and vocalized by Aaron Stielstra; the rest of the songs coming from a Casio keyboard demonstration (literally) and an unbearable one-note synth drone that sounds like your tape is broken. Remarkably, the puppetry is very competent and I couldn't spot any humans manipulating the Fat Albert-voiced doll. Many, many scenes of erotica and nudity from one of the most unattractive women to grace the screen. The thrift store owner's line reading is hilarious and deserves its own drinking game.

This is one of the worst films ever made, HANDS DOWN!! A lonely black female buys a Doll (with a rasta wig!) in a thrift shop, she takes it home and before you know it she's getting molested by it. The doll manages to tie her up, and what follows is the most hilarious scenes ever commited to video tape.

Black Voodoo Doll reaches new heights in trash film by using a doll (a black howdy doody) in simulated rape scenes that are quite laughable. The inexplicably drawn out rape scene is only heightened by the rants that this possessed doll makes, while blowing smoke out through his mouth and laughning really menacing. Whats even more hilarious is when the doll is shown from behind it's obviously a small child with dreads. (Chucky looks like a drooling baby compared to this howdy doody from the hood)

In the end after a long s**** the doll mysteriously disapears and the women is left feeling empty and lonely. The doll makes it's way back to the thrift shop and another women buys him continuing the cycle.

This made on video, low-budget rarity, is extremely hard to find so good luck seeing this at your local Blockbuster.

I used to always pass this box at the video store and, after over a year, I decided to rent it. I can't remember when I laughed so damned hard in my life! There are some legitimate comedies that haven't tickled me this much, definitely a "So-Bad-It's-Good" classic. The story concerns one Shirley Black (Shirley L. Jones), a deeply religious woman who stops at a thrift shop and buys a doll that looks a lot like Webster with French braids. The woman running the store tells Shirley that the doll was the property of an East Indian gentleman with strange powers (although the doll has a West Indian hairstyle, but, never mind) and that it always returns to the store under its own power. Hearing that should put anyone off of purchasing the doll, but not our intrepid and spiritual Shirley (so brave and righteous is she that she preaches to men trying to sell her stolen merchandise on the street). She buys it and even tells it "You'll be the only man to see me naked other than my husband" before taking a shower. She then has visions of being attacked by the doll.

Once again, anyone else would be getting rid of the doll at this point. But Shirley hangs on to it. The next day, it jumps out of a closet and knocks her unconscious. It then ties her to the bed and has its way with her before running back to the thrift shop. Shirley is then sent into a downward spiral of sexual degradation as she looks for the thrill that her "little woodenheaded b*****d" has given her with mere mortal men. Let's face it, once you've gotten it on with a doll that looks like a cross between "Lester" of Willie Tyler & Lester fame and Stevie Wonder on the HOTTER THAN JULY album cover, well, no flesh and blood piece will do (Meshach Taylor's line from MANNEQUIN comes to mind: "I would never interrupt you while you were getting a piece of wood."). Other people I know who have seen BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL have also had the same reaction: Utter hilarity! Especially at the Mr. T-sounding voice of the doll ("B----, b----, I said wake up, b----!").

If you're looking for a coherent, competent piece of cinema, you'll be disappointed by THE BLACK DEVIL DOLL. But if you're looking for something in the PLAN 9/ROBOT MONSTER ouevre, by all means, check THIS out. By the way, LOVE that cheesy organ music.