Skyscraper

You have a cleavage-filled picture of Anna Nicole Smith wearing inch-long red nails and holding a gun. What do you expect? Skyscraper is a pathetic attempt to turn Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith into some sort of action hero in the tradition of the historic Die Hard, and the end result is ridiculous. Take Die Hard, reduce the budget by about 97%, replace the director with someone who hails Andy Sidaris films as the greatest things in the world, and switch Bruce Willis for a big-breasted blonde with no acting ability whatsoever. If you do all that, you get Skyscraper. What a joke.

This is not an action movie, it is a vehicle to further Smith's career, although with such a piece of garbage I can't imagine that her career was furthered rather than hindered. It was so funny watching her complain to her husband in the movie about wanting to have a baby. The sets were pretty funny, too. Remember the control panel in the building that the bad guys were communicating with the police on? That's why the budget from Die Hard could be cut by 97%. Cardboard and spray paint are not expensive, and I can't imagine that the film's producers actually paid these people for such pathetic acting. Skyscraper is a waste of everything that was put into it. Needless to say, it would be best not to waste your time on such crap.

The Subject explains my point, and is the reason I caught a >look at it. She can't act, and the plot is equally as stale. It could do the trick for ya if you are wanting something pathetic for your next frat party, but even then it stands to be even to weak for that!

Okay, that should take care of all the dumb breast jokes, shall we move on?

Anna Nicole Smith...action star?

No.

Anna Nicole Smith...erotic star?

Maybe.

Anna Nicole Smith...comedian?

Definitely.

She can't act, she can barely remember her lines, she pouts, she whines...and she's supposed to be the next Bruce Willis? I think not. Take out the violence and this could be "The Naked Gun, Part 48DD: Double Trouble". ...okay, okay, that's the last dumb breast joke, I promise.

On the basis of this movie, Anna would be best off to just cut her losses and work as an understudy for Edy Williams (hey, she's got to retire sometime).

One star. Maybe two, I wouldn't want to be a boob.

Sorry, sorry....

In the bad department, this film doesn't measure up to the classics like "Plan 9 From Outer Space", but it tries very hard. Security Guard Dudley Wright is the best thing about this movie, but his Tim Kazarinski (Tim, if I spelled that wrong, I'm sorry) impression seals the deal.

If you really want to ogle Anna Nicole Smith's nude bod, better to dig up an old Playboy. She's really not shown that often. Three scenes only one totally nude.

On a scale of 1-10 for believability, I'd have to go into the negative numbers, but it does give plenty of laughs if you're willing to suspend any and all credibility.

I sincerely feel very bad for the actual GOOD actors in this (there ARE some), but I'm sure they didn't mind the extra job to fill in time between honest work.

Skyscraper is Die Hard with Anna Nicole Smith in the Bruce Willis role. In an effort to differentiate the two movies, they made her a helicopter pilot. Normally this would make the plot highly unbelievable (she takes on a gang of terrorists). But by the time the plot kicks in, you will already have given up on any hope that this is anything more than soft core porn.

The sad thing is, Anna Nicole's acting skills aren't even up to that level. Actually, they don't exist. She reads every line in exactly the same monotone, whether whining to her husband that she wants a baby or pleading with the terrorists not to shoot a hostage. On the plus side, there is lots of nudity that gives new meaning to the word 'gratuitous'. Early on Anna Nicole gets home from a hard day's work and relaxes with a slow-motion shower. She seems to really enjoy it, giving special attention to her big-as-your-head breasts. Actually, that's the high point of her performance. But I don't think even Meryl Streep could have done much with this material.

You've got your multi-ethnic team of what another reviewer called "Chippendales terrorists", each one a stereotype of some kind (my favourite was the French one, who would sprinkle his dialogue with exotic French words like "mes amis"). You've got your "brilliant" terrorist leader whose brilliance is supposed to be conveyed by his pretentious habit of meaninglessly quoting Shakespeare and by his lofty world-accent line delivery. I could go on about the brain-dead comic relief, the cheesy take-over-the-world plot, and dialogue that's beyond wooden - it's more like petrified wood - but I don't want to ruin the experience for you. That's right - I think you should see this film. I haven't laughed this hard since Showgirls.