Feeders 2: Slay Bells

You've seen Feeders and you think to yourself, what a wonderful world. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, a sequel-urge is nipping at your nose.

Well this ain't no winter wonderland, Jack. This is a coal burning furnace spitting the fiery flames of futility at your dismayed visage.

Yes, Feeders 2 is a sequel in every sense of the word. The Feeders are back, and this time Santa joins the fray. A nice little asynchronous segment featuring a character from the first Feeders is thrown in, apparently to stun and confuse the audience. Then it gets worse. Once the nerve endings gain sensation again, there is nothing but pain.

The best scene is where a guy goes into his basement, then into his basement's basement, then apparently into his basement's basement's sub basement to get killed by a Feeder.

And at one point someone thinks a Feeder is a toy.

Well that's a no-brainer, they look that fake.

Gone is the delirious Ed-Wood-Meets-Larry-Flint fun of the original feeders, and as a retread, this film gets a flat tire. Where Feeders fed, even though this movie is led to the same watering hole, it poops instead of feeds. You can lead a dead sequel out to pasture but you can't make it drink from the fountain of its own futility. No sir, you take that unpleasant pull off the tap of tepidness by your lonesome if you see this film.

Where is the fun? In the sub-sub-basement. Where is the acting? The only acting in this film is the fast-acting damage inducing effects of seeing the acting of the the tortuous kids, kids that would make you take your own life if they were your kids. If they were someone else's kids that you only saw once in your life, you might take your life just to show your support that the parents should take their own lives.

If you see this movie, don't take your own life. Hasn't the movie done enough? Just vomit, shake it off, and seek therapy.

Feeders 2 picks up where Feeders left off, at the top of the urinal bowl. Then it plunges right in and you flush away 90 minutes of your life.

Holy... They made this one even cheaper than the first! I'm not kidding here. This time the barely mobile aliens look like papier mache over lightbulbs! The acting is just as bad, the story just as lame. Worst part: there are flashbacks from feeders! Thanks to Mike, Kevin and Bill this is watchable. Still utterly horrible, but still funny as hell thanks to rifftrax.

I had the priviledge of seeing this film at a local film festival in Cincinatti. This film is like no other on Earth. It is completely breathtaking in its utter awe and beauty.

When you see the little aliens for the first time, you will be amazed by the magnificent special effects. I have heard rumors that $150,000,000 went into designing the aliens alone.

The acting is nothing short of supreme. Breathtaking performances define this film. You will be moved to tears by the hilarious comedy scenes and the horrible tragedies the characters face. Truly, this is acting worthy of Shakespeare himself.

Then there is the musical score. Your ears will jump with joy when you hear the music. The sound is absolutely Oscar-worthy.

There's no other way to put it. Feeders 2: Slay Bells is sure to be remembered as one of the finest films of the 20th century.

The first thing I had to do after watching this was to re-rate Beerfest. I had to up its rating to make room for this, the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. To be completely honest, my first reaction after watching this was to immediately take it outside, run over it with my car, put it through the chipper, and burn the chips. However, I paused long enough to realize that this film and the companion Feeders on the same DVD would quite possible serve a purpose that was in the National Interest.

I contacted the CIA and told them that they could stop worrying about water-boarding and all those other torture methods that were getting them in trouble. I had the perfect solution to their problems. They just needed to get this film to Guantanamo and all their secret locations. I am certain that their prisoners would be screaming to talk after watching it just twice. I am waiting to hear back before I destroy it.

The "aliens" in this film are the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. They look like they are made of papier-mâché, and their arms and legs are like stick people. The dialog is painful and there is no acting at all. But, the worst offense of all -

Santa with a plastic ray-gun!

Bah Humbug!

The Good News: only 68 minutes long.

The Bad News: its 68 minutes of Polonia video tripe.

These guys should be taken as true encouragement to Indie film producers. If they can sell this offal, then you CAN succeed. Take heart.

The DVD release contains commentaries where the actors/writers/director/cameraman (there appears to only be 4 people involved in total) admits that they spent no money whatsoever. So in light of that, it IS impressive that they could talk anyone into releasing it on DVD. Or maybe they won a lottery and paid someone to do it.