If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?

The Reverent Estus Pirckle (no--I never heard of him either) of the Baptist Church lectures a rapt audience on how the communists will be taking over America in the next 24 months! (Considering this film is over 40 years old and communists haven't taken over America I believe the good reverend was wrong). While he's lecturing we are shown "accurate" portrayals of what communists have done in other countries. We get LOTS of views of "dead" men, women and children covered with the fakest blood I've ever seen. The good (sic) reverend tells us about the evils of sex education, Saturday morning cartoons (!!), drive-in movies, dancing (which always leads to sex), alcohol, drugs, magazines, newspapers, books---hell everything! Only Jesus Christ and the Bible will save us. (I guess if you're not Christian you're out of luck).

According to this the takeover will begin with the president and ALL governors throughout the US being shot and killed! Then the communists will round up all Christians and torture and kill them. We see such charming sights as a little boy tied up and having a bamboo stick driven through his ears (and throwing up), a man dangled over pitchforks while tied up, another kid beheaded, people shot down left and right. It SOUNDS horrific but the "special" effects are pathetic, the acting is terrible and everything you're told is so inaccurate that it's impossible to take with a straight face. A laugh a minute here. It's not on DVD but is available (for free) through Google Video.

If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horsemen Do is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever made. Intended as a warning of the dangers of communism-and dancing!-the film comes across as a bizarre black comedy, thanks to the ineptitude of Rev. Estus Pirkle and the Ormond family of filmmakers.

The film, made in 1967, argues that communism will overrun the United States within the next two years if there is not a massive turn to fundamentalist Christianity. Mixing shoestring reenactments of communist atrocities with segments of Rev. Pirkle preaching, the film only succeeds as a testimony to the insanity of extreme evangelical Christians.

The presented reasons why America will fall to communism are laughable. Rev. Pirkle cites falling church attendance, sex education in public schools, and dancing-the gateway to adultery! We see these problems through the example of Judy, a wayward girl who, for some reason, still feels the need to go to church. The sex education bit is particularly amusing, with a teacher telling his students about the seven erogenous zones. Somehow, I think I missed that lesson when I went to school.

The atrocity reenactments are hilarious by sheer power of their ineptitude. Horrific human rights abuses took place under communism, but this is not the place to look for a serious examination of them. Rather we are treated to sights such as people slowly dropping to the ground when hit by machine gun fire and boys vomiting because their ears have been pierced with bamboo. However, the most hilarious part has to be when a Russian commissar lapses into an Okie accent while berating a young boy.

I ultimately split on my vote for this one. It's funny, but horribly made, so I gave it a five.

This 1971 feature from legendary exploitation and western writer/producer/director Ron Ormond, teamed with apocalyptic fundamentalist preacher Rev. Estus Pirkle (best known as the source for the Negativeland song "Christianity is Stupid," which is also heard in its original form in this film), is pure over-the-top exploitation film-making at its rawest. Ormond's "dramatization" provide a running commentary on Pirkle's sermon, and also we have the story of a young lady who was making out with her boyfriend, who drops her at church "to keep up appearances," and the lady is moved by the sermon and by guilt to ask for salvation in the climactic scene. It's all edited together in the best agit-prop manner for maximum dramatic effect. Ormond's footage (the majority of the film) about a communist takeover of the United States is so grim and violent in a matter-of-fact way that it still packs a punch today. The semi-amateur quality of the production only adds to its melodramatic effect, in my opinion. This "lecture and dramatization" format was not new to Ormond, as he used a similar technique in PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME, although the theme there was PRO sex education, and the theme here is ANTI sex education. There's a lot of 60s drive-in-style gore here, with knifings, a vomiting child, upclose shootings, impaling by pitchfork, and a decapitated head seen rolling away bloody. Had Ormond edited out the preacher and his commentary, and beefed up the communist atrocity footage and added more of a "plot" to that footage, he could have released this as an anti-communist and gore exploitation film to drive-ins. This is a primitive yet powerful film. As fire-and-brimstone apocalyptic preachers go (and I used to listen to these characters on the radio back in the 70s), Pirkle is impressive, in terms of being melodramatic and pushing every possible emotional-manipulation button that exists. He and Ron Ormond make a perfect pair, and this film is a gem that documents the anti-communist, John Birch Society positions of the 60s and 70s very well, even better than ANARCHY USA, since these dramatizations pack an emotional punch that documentary and newsreel footage do not. Students of cold war history who want to explore the link between anti-communism and fundamentalist religion need not look any further. If you really want to see this, an internet search should turn up a copy for you. No Ron Ormond fan should miss this. Some images, such as the young boy having his eardrums pierced with a stick by a sneering communist flunky so the boy can never again listen to the Gospel (!!!), are not likely to be forgotten by the viewer. I'll try to review the another Ormond/Pirkle collaboration, THE BURNING HELL, in the near future...

I agree with aagedeppa's review above. I was shown this film in the early 70's as a 8 or 9 year old at church along with my younger sister. I would like to think my parents wouldn't have let me watch if they'd been there but my house was "a kid rides the bus to church" kind. This film traumatized me beyond belief! I will NEVER get the image of the little boy having the stick pushed through his brain and vomiting. I just wonder WTH the adults (deacons, preacher, etc.) were thinking letting small children watch this? Please, no matter what your religious beliefs are DO NOT allow young children to view this film, unless you're willing to part with cash for therapy!!!

Religious propaganda (exploitation) film that is so bad, I just could not stop watching. His sermon comes off as a poorly concocted conspiracy theory. I had heard this film was distributed to many churches around the country in the 70s. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at one of those showings back then.

All in all, it is a trainwreck of a movie that is not necessarily satisfying, but watching it gives you the satisfaction of knowing you watched something pretty bad, but has an appealing shock value.