Charlie Kelly: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Charlie Kelly: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Charlie Kelly: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie Kelly: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie Kelly: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?
Charlie Kelly: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Charlie Kelly: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie Kelly: All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie Kelly: Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie Kelly: You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Mac: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!
