No Tell Motel

Typical horror film that has a group of 'teens' who wander into an old dilapidated motel after their RV breaks down. But this particular motel houses the spirit of a young tyke who was run over by accident while petting a bunny in the middle of the road. Apparently she's very angry at the dumb way she slipped off this mortal coil and this gang of walking stereotypes is about to pay the price.

Nothing new to see here which could be forgiven for a movie of its type, if it did its well- tread routine with panache or even if the kills were memorable, alas this is simply not the case. No Tell should've been a No Filmed and saved the viewers wasted time and the actors a chance to do something better.

How do you spell out that sound where you draw in air through your teeth as if you're looking at something that hurts? Ffffff? Because that's kind of the title I was looking for for this review.

Yes, I did think it was that horrible. This was the sort of movie where, after I was done watching, I was pretty sure that I'd just seen the worst movie out of all the ones I've ever seen (that's probably overstating it, but as I seem to have actually blocked out any worse movies from my memory to live in peaceful ignorance, it's all I've got). It's definitely in my 'Top 3 Worst Movies' and it's the 'So bad it's horrible' kind.

So, what was wrong with it?

Well, for one, this was pretty generic both in the way it starts out and the ideas behind it - 'ideas' because this seems to be two generic horror plots mashed together to form one big pile of generic-feeling goo. Generically. Blending ideas can provide exciting new twists and improve the product but not for this bad boy.

For two, it seemed to have trouble finding it's angle. It wasn't really a super slashy flick, it wasn't psychological, it wasn't really anything - just 'blah' (though, on a related note, it seemed the characters didn't have the same problem of finding a type - they were all the classic stereotypes).

Three: THE ACTING. Dear Universe, it was so bad that even I could tell it was bad - and that's how you KNOW you're in trouble.

And lastly, the script. It wasn't a good script, don't let anybody fool you. Some of the things the characters say just baffled me throughout it - whether it was super-over-expositioning something or saying something that just really didn't seem like it fit in the movie at all. Just bad.

Really, a rating of 3< is REALLY generous for this movie.

There's a line in one of my favourite films called Ratatouille (though I feel I'm soiling it by even bringing it up here) that tells us Anyone Can Cook... even a rodent. Well, anyone can make a horror film... even an idiot. But that doesn't mean they should. Especially one devoid of scares, where the dumb people barely react when their 'friends' bite the bullet, and when the 'twist' is like, the stupidest thing EVER in the history of mankind. And yes, we all know little girls who just stand there staring at you saying nothing, are naturally creepy, but overuse this formula and you're liable to be accused of lacking ideas. The dude behind the camera here hasn't got an original thought in his noggin.

It's not big, it's not clever and it certainly isn't the least bit enjoyable. F's all round, and back to film school for you, Mr Wannabe. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to teach a cat to fetch than make a decent scary movie... 3/1

I must admit that the poster/cover for "No Tell Motel" did catch my attention and it was what made me sit down to watch it. Although now I really wish I hadn't. This movie was a complete waste of time in my opinion.

The story is not really particularly great, and it lacks appeal and lacks the ability to captivate the audience. The story seems to be forced together by odd bits and pieces, mixed together with a ghostly little girl. The storyline is somewhat skittish and jumpy, which doesn't really work out to anyone's favor.

As for the characters, well I will say that they were one-dimensional and lacking personality and any kind of magnetism to make you really care about them. They are too generic and shallow, which makes you just shrug on the shoulders whenever something happens to them in the movie. I am sure that the various actors and actresses are good enough on their own accounts, but the characters they had to work with in this movie did them no justice.

Scary moments? Well you have to look long and far for them in this movie, because there weren't any. And as a matter of fact, there were even close to nothing thrilling in the movie as well. "No Tell Motel" is a fairly tame experience for a horror movie, and there are far better ghost movies out there for your viewing pleasure.

"No Tell Motel" was somewhat of a struggle to get through, and more than once I found my attention drifting else where and my eyelids growing surprisingly heavy. This is not really worth the time or effort, unless you have absolutely nothing else to watch, or if you are a hardcore fan of someone on the cast list.

This film was re-titled "Haunted Motel" when it was shown in local theaters. This actually was already a warning that this is going to be one lousy film. I should have taken that warning.

"Haunted Motel" starts with a tragic accident when a little girl was suddenly run over by a speeding car. Her shocked parents could do nothing but helplessly wail by the roadside in front of their motel (called the Round the Bend Motel). This scene shot in dramatic sepia is the best of the whole film (worth a star on its own). Everything else fell to pieces after that.

Several years later, a group of five young people meet a car accident and were forced to spend the night at an abandoned roadside motel. And, as all horror films of this type go, we see the members of the group get killed off one by one, apparently by a ghostly little girl. Of course, the explanations come at the end, but by that time, you don't even care if you completely get it or not.

During all this time, we get a convoluted and confusing sequence of inexplicable events, told with absolutely no sense of dread or terror at all. Even the ghostly little Angela looked so pasty and fake, you don't really get scared by her. All the characters (a drug addict, a masochist, a rapist, a pregnant teen and her clueless friend) were very thanklessly unlikable, and the actors portraying them did not exactly rise above mediocrity of the material.

This is a generic B-horror film all the way. No redeeming factors either in the story, technical or in the acting departments. This is tolerable only if you have nothing else to watch, but keep your expectations real low.