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1. |
squint the distance
02:17
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SQUINT THE DISTANCE -
slip into primary mode. there is no one watching. abandoning delusions of peace and blend into the scenery. slip into primary mode. there is no one watching. cast off the limitations of this skin and controlling their access to me. the only one you see to be here. seen and loved. why is this the dream that i can't make real? i would rather die lost in the sea where i know who i am. i must cast myself away. if you squint you can see me disappearing into the waves.
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2. |
swallow me darkly
02:13
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SWALLOW ME DARKLY -
i couldn't find it in myself. expected it and more from you. time and time again i've let you go. for my sake, not yours. i couldn't be what you needed. i couldn't do that for myself. a hand always reaching outward. and yours always empty. i hurt and i hurt you. all that was left was to leave. take this poison for us both and disappear so you could live. if i'm being honest, i wish it was that easy. that when i am gone the damage i've done wil be gone too. come now, and let this ocean hold me. drink in the darkness of its touch. swallow until it has become me. buried in the cold of its embrace.
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3. |
thistles and sand
01:30
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THISTLES AND SAND -
thisles and sand and a place to bury my head. unconsciously forcing the water from these lungs. against my will pulling myself onto shore. all that i was poisoned my heart. every breath i take strays me further from peace. every breath i take fills this body with disgust.
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4. |
bloodletter
03:03
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BLOODLETTER -
existing has forced me here. pretending it was a choice. unflinching hands pull the lever before they wrap around my throat. they hoard what they can from us and we kill ourselves for what is left. no clock ticks but still i am a prisoner to that same rhythm. it holds me in its arms and lovingly whispers "you're worthless". i can see no way out of this cage built just for me. in the distance, those words scrawled into the cave wall and they read: it's too early for a triumph. it's to early to lay down here and die. choking on pieces we gave to this machine. what we built here should be for no one but you and me. it's draining the magic i've made for myself and gorging itself on what's left of these bones. it swallows our lives for the gains of a few. we're left here to die starving and alone. and the breathing stopped and i am. and the blood flowed and it was.
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5. |
we are the litany
02:51
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WE ARE THE LITANY -
seconds pass. moments to go. memories tear at my skin dragging me into the future bleeding. held hostage by what i couldn't understand. lost myself in things i could never explain. all those times i couldn't have cared any less. i had built those walls to protect myself from this. where i was, someone else stands. can they find the words i couldn't. the courage i didn't have. can they put together the pieces al of us couldn't hold? can they put together the pieces? there are too many for just one of us. here, we are the litany.
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6. |
paid in teeth
03:00
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PAID IN TEETH -
debt into which one was born. its own kind of life. bleeding for a chance to escape it. a lifetime traded in vein for every moment spent away. and we paid. paid in teeth. strike another bargain. as this world's consumed with fire our mercy was spent generations past. haze falls from my eyes. i can see clear. haze falls from my mind. i can be clear. spent this life searching for what we already have. found no real meaning (what i wouldn't give) wasted it all for what we would regreat in time. no more hoping. loving. breathing. a reckoning awaits us. the only thing i'm grateful for is you're not here to see this (how can the dead be the lucky ones?) fear no lake of fire. the flames have caled me home. here, il evectes. no one's coming to save me this time.
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7. |
avascular descent
03:07
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AVASCULAR DESCENT -
still hurting from all these years that pass. stand by and watch as your body is disintegrating. i can't see another path. all the life you have left is less than half of what it was. the only option that remains is to break open the shell. do you find it empty? buried inside and surrounded by dark. can't see. can't open my eyes. glass, blood and tears. a future obscured. i thought by now there'd be some other way. i've never learned anything before it was too late. i'll bear these flames and all that come after but please don't follow me down.
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8. |
birth of the world
03:18
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BIRTH OF THE WORLD -
sound the war drums. hoist your flag up high. there's only one of us that's leaving here alive. dark powers rip through steel. the enemy is invincible. the taste of metal and a sickness you can feel. hold on tight to the falsehood of flesh and the world that remains luring us further into a grave. hold on tight to the truths of this world. they wil be nothing here in the birth of the world we must build. and carry on. and carry on forever. forever. at least for me, it goes.
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9. |
garden or grave
02:08
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GARDEN OR GRAVE -
make a grave for that old flesh we no longer need. and dig a hole for those memories. hopes. dreams. all for sale. this body and everything else. all for sale. a broken back. a spine garden. diging deeper into fertile soil. the symptom has become the way of life. the one that held you now holds the knife. how quickly it's become the one you cannot afford. nothing to exchange. your garden is empty and you smash your bones in your face. next, they'll come for your blod when you're bleeding. the only way out is the knife at my throat.
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10. |
il evectes
05:14
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IL EVECTES -
it can't end this way. here, on this island. il evectes remains. i did what i could. with each breath i fought to stay. take my heart. my breath. i have no need for it now. let go of the world. it never meant much. i have no need for it now. this blood, this heart, is yours. all of myself i tried to leave behind. a mirrors reflection stares back from you. a third shoulder to carry this guilt. a hundred times just to punish itself. it wouldn't matter if i break it again. i'm trying to be honest. i'm dying every day a little more inside. i'm trying but without you i'm dying inside. a corpse moving through this world. this makeshift colossus. all the good stripped away. pieces of innocence, one by one, return tainted. all tainted. every act a reaction. every harm delivered and received ten fold. even this immolation is not the end. every ending is a new beginning. that's not the hope it sounds like.
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