Strange Dreams

This is my entry in the Secret Places and Trippy Houses Blogathon hosted by Taking Up Room

 

 

 

Alone at night in the shadows of my room,

I drift inside of a magical view.

Strange dreams invade my sleep at night! 

 

"Strange Dreams" by Frank Marino and Mahogany Rush 

 

Your dreams are the realm of fantasy. In your dreams you can be an amazing superhero, saving the world just by wagging your pinky finger. Or you can be the cock of the walk, getting the best looking girl (or guy, as the case may be...) in town. Those are what we might call "good" dreams.

 

On the other side of the coin you could be haunted by some pretty bizarre circumstances. Who among us hasn't had a dream where you were caught at school in your pajamas, or underwear, or even naked in front of your classmates? That is just a mild nightmare, as far as nightmares go. A few years ago I related a story about dreaming that flying monkeys were out to get me after watching The Wizard of Oz on TV. (A Nightmare in Oz) 

 

But the nightmares that  haunt some people are even more devastating. Again, on a personal note, I have dreamed, on several occasions of being in a terrible accident, usually while driving. To have nightmares where your actions within the dream sequence not only affect you, but also affect others, can be a cause of distress.  

 

Take for instance the dream of a world leader. God only knows what kind of sick dreams a wacko like Adolph Hitler or Kim Jong Un had or has.  But even world leaders who have some semblance of rationality, such as the President of the United States, can be a bit off kilter.  In this movie the President, played by Eddie Albert, is still holding on to a tenuous hold on rationality, but is still plagued by a recurring nightmare.

Dreamscape is a film that sometimes seems to be unsure of what it wants to be.  Is it a horror movie? (Some scenes may just scare the pants off of you).  Is it a science-fiction movie? (The idea of being able to enter the dreams of another person and interact with them is the stuff of geek sci-fi fantasy). Is it a political thriller? (The main baddie has some ulterior motives for his trying to get the President some help with his nightmares). There is even a not-so-subtle romance going on in the movie, so a case could be made for a romance movie. To top it off, the movie poster (see below) clearly tried to make a connection to the adventure film, a la Indiana Jones, although there is not much in it that could remind you of that adventure type of movie...

Besides the focal "star" of the film, (and, at this point, Dennis Quaid was just getting started, since he had only a few big roles under his belt by this time, Tough Enough, Jaws 3D and The Right Stuff, and had still not achieved the "familiar face" status he would later get), you also got some superstar talent in the form of Max von Sydow and Christopher Plummer, as well as Kate Capshaw, who had just earlier this year gained some recognition for her role in the second Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The highlight of the film, for me, though, was David Patrick Kelly, who had a few years prior made his film debut in what will probably end up being his most memorable role, as Luther in The Warriors.  

Additionally, there was also George Wendt ("Norm" from Cheers), who throughout the 80's got parts as subsidiary characters in films, and Peter Jason, whose name may not be familiar, but his face surely will be if you watched many 80's movies (in particular, he was the leader of the resistance movement in They Live and was also the bartender who was the recipient of the classic line delivered by Eddie Murphy in 48 Hrs... ""There's a new sheriff in town.. and his name is Reggie Hammond!") .  

Dreamscape came out in 1984 and faced the daunting competition of  such blockbusters as Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. Fortunately the studios didn't actually try to pit it against those monster moneymakers:  The early summer gave the public the big guys, and let Dreamscape have the luxury of coming to the big screen in late August. It still had the opportunity to have a semi-decent draw, garnering $12 million against a (astoundingly) low budget of $6 million. (The movie LOOKS like it costs more than that, since the special effects are pretty decent...) Note: Elsewhere I have read that the producer claims ticket sales reached upwards of $25 million, take that as you will.

 

 

 

 

Dreamscape (1984):

A key recurring theme in the 80's (and beyond) is that anytime there are potential psychics involved in the story, there is ALWAYS some secret government group seeking to have control over these talented individuals. It was true in Firestarter, and it is true here also. At the beginning of the movie, Bob Blair (Christopher Plummer) is discussing with Dr. Paul Novotny (Max von Sydow), pointing out that a former associate of Novotny's, Alex Gardner (Dennis Quaid), is just the sort of man that Blair is looking for for his project.  The project at hand is a program that purports to use psychics to enter the dreams/nightmares of patients at the institute to help them overcome the nightmares that plague them.

 

Blair wants a good talented psychic to help relieve the President of the United States (Edward Albert) deal with a recurring nightmare he has been having about causing the coming of World War III.  But Blair's motives are not altruistic. See the President (whose name is never given, but at one point he is called "John") is determined to go to a Geneva Peace Conference and try to negotiate a disarmament or at least a reduction in the available nuclear weapons stash of the country. See, the President is not only haunted by thoughts of an imminent nuclear war, but he is still dealing with the trauma of his recently deceased wife. (Thus his wife plays a prominent role in his nightmare as she is frantically running from the blast of an exploded nuclear weapon).

 

Blair, the essence of a "hawk" thinks this is a bad idea. And, as it turns out later, his plan is to kill the President in his dreams. This would have the effect of killing the President in real life, because it is established that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life, too.

But Alex has skipped out of the limelight, living basically in the shadows, using his psychic abilities to win at gambling.  When bookies show up to wrangle him into helping them Alex is not very receptive. But when some guys from his former boss's institute show up Alex uses the opportunity to escape from the bookie and his henchmen. But, when it turns out that Alex finds out his newly acquired saviors intend to basically "kidnap" him for Novotny's program, he is not entirely all that gung ho about it. Even when he finds out they intend to try to use him in the dream scheme. 

That is, until he meets Dr. Novotny's colleague, Dr. Jane DeVries (Kate Capshaw). Alex is, among other things, a womanizer (and with Capshaw as his new potential conquest, who could blame him...?) So he agrees to hang on for just a little bit longer. At least until he can get Jane to agree to a romantic interlude...

 

Blair's prize psychic is Tommy Ray Glatman (David Patrick Kelly). Tommy Ray is the ultimate in "I'm just in this for myself" kind of thinking. It turns out that Tommy Ray is not entirely as innocent as anyone may think. Alex eventually finds a file in the offices of Blair that reveal that Tommy Ray had killed his own father.

   

As usual, when the government has it's hand in the pie, it turns out that not all is what it seems, even though Blair manages to put up a front to keep the secret agenda hidden away from Alex as well as Novotny and Jane. Before we get to that final combat in the nightmare of the President, however, we get to see Alex work his magic at helping a young boy overcome is nightmare of a boogeyman, Or, in this instance, a snake man... (By the way, the kid is played by Cory Yothers, whose sister had a bit more success in Hollywood, mainly by playing the younger sister of Alex Keaton in Family Ties).

There is also a pretty funny sequence where Alex helps out a man who is having trouble with his sex life with his wife. It turns out that he is haunted by his own "nightmare". I won't give this part away because a: it's well worth seeing on screen and b: it's just too funny to describe anyway.

Alex and Jane end up together in a dream she is having, but since Alex entered the dream without her knowing about it first, or even her acquiescence, she is understandably a bit annoyed with Alex. But she had an attraction to Alex in the first place, so she is not all that incensed by his intrusion. (Unlike other bloggers I am not going to address the non-PC issue that this scene might be looked at in today's world. I try to look at movies in the context of the time they were made, not whether they would fly today).

Alex meets up with a writer of potboilers, Charlie Prince (George Wendt), who is investigating the mysterious goings on at the institute, and eventually turns Alex on to the fact that Blair may not be all the altruistic figure he seems to be trying to promote himself as.

 

Most of the dream sequences are a bit on the low budget side (that snake man, for instance, is not really all that scary, just made more so by the music accompanying the scenes). But, considering, the time, they are pretty decent. I found out in doing research that the low quality of the dream sequences was due to the fact that the producers underestimated the time they would need. Apparently, they thought 2 months would be plenty of time. Imagine what they could have accomplished if they had given themselves at least double that... 

Ultimately, the best sequence is the final scene in which Alex and The President have to fend off Tommy Ray, who as I mentioned earlier is Blair's number one boy for dispatching the President. 

The post holocaust scenes in the President's nightmare, although not much different from any other post-nuclear war scenes depicted in movies and TV shows down through the ages, can be pretty nerve-wracking, and were probably even more so during the mid-80's when the threat of nuclear war with the Russians still loomed on the horizon. And here that filter that the camera man uses to give it an odd unworldly feel of the dream world makes the scene work all that much better.

A note here about the content: Red Dawn, which had been released earlier in 1984, was the first movie to ever receive the newly created PG13 rating, movies that weren't too graphic in other areas, but might be to violent for a standard PG rating. Dreamscape became the second. You parents with small children might keep that in consideration...  

If you decide to take the leap in to the dream world of this movie, I don't think you'll be disappointed. When I originally saw it in the theater back in 1984, I think I would have given the film an 8 rating. Here, in the retrospect of the past, and having seen many more films with an apocalyptic scene or two, made much better due to a bigger budget, I would be remiss to say it didn't drop a peg or two, but I think I could still rate it a 7.

Well, time to fire up the old Plymouth and head back home. Drive safely.

Quiggy

 

 

 

 

A Time to Die... or Maybe Not

 

 

 

 The future is uncertain... or is it?  What if we could know what the future holds? 

The trope of time travel in science fiction has at least two well-known themes.  One is that of the narrator who actually does the time traveling himself and relates his or her experiences for the audience.  Think  The Time Machine in which the protagonist has journeyed (in this case the future) and returned to let his friends (and us) know what the future holds. 

Another is that in which a mysterious stranger appears on the scene and claims to be from some distant future. In this case, most often anyway, this stranger is considered to be crazy, because, after all, time travel is not really possible, therefore the stranger must be delusional. Think 12 Monkeys as a good example of this theme.

Of course, as we know it now, time travel, at least in terms of the way it is accomplished in the science fiction trope, is impossible. We have the story of John Titor, a man who appeared on the scene in the late 90's, who claimed to be from the future, but whether or not he really was is debatable. Reading the link above will be more instructive, but in essence, his pronunciations of future events were not entirely accurate. He claimed that there would be a civil war in the U.S. in 2015, for example.

Of course, even he himself gave himself an out in case his predictions were proved untrue.  He said that we could change the future by changing whatever actions we took to another track. But did he really come from the future and we created an alternate timeline by our actions or was he just full of so much malarkey?

Time travel theory has so many rabbit holes one could go down.  The classic grandfather paradox, for example. If you could go back in time and somehow accidentally kill your own grandfather before he ever met your grandmother, you obviously would not have been born.  Therefore how could you have gone back in time to commit the act?  Theoretically any action you took on your travel back in time could seriously affect your present.  

But time travel theorists get around that by claiming your actions created an alternate timeline. One in which you actually did commit the act.  But the world you came back to would be altered, maybe for the better, but also maybe for he worst.  Ray Bradbury once wrote an excellent short story in which a character went back to the prehistoric era and accidentally killed a butterfly.  The world he came back to in the present was so seriously altered that it was unrecognizable.

I don't really want to get in to the possibilities of time travel here. I just wanted to prepare you for some musings that will happen in this blog entry as I discuss the story lines of the entries.

To get down to the meat of this entry, in 1984 we were treated to one of the best time travel movies ever made, The Terminator.. The story arc involves more than just the first movie (there have been as of this date 5 movies involving the story arc, of varying degrees of quality).  But the first one, which I saw in the theater, was my favorite. Note: Many lists say Terminator 2 is a better movie. But this is my blog, and therefore my opinion... 

After it came out, an author named Harlan Ellison claimed that the movie was WAY similar to two stories he had written, both of which became episodes of the classic TV series from the 60's, The Outer Limits. He sued. (He was a very litigious man., by all accounts.  He would apparently sue people at the drop of a hat).

The ultimate outcome was that James Cameron had to add a reference to Ellison in the credits when it was released on video.  But was his claim valid?  I wondered.  So I found both episodes and watched them to see how much similarity there was in the movie to his original stories.  Below are the two episodes, followed by a detailed review of the movie.  You can decide for yourself.

The Outer Limits "Soldier" (Broadcast date: Sept. 19, 1964):

In the far distant future two soldiers battle.  They are given instructions through their headsets to kill "The Enemy". They come to a final clash on a barren landscape.  

During the battle they are hit with what appears to be bolts of lightning and sent into a vortex.  One of the soldiers, Qarlo (Michael Ansara) ends up in modern day (1964) United States.

Because he is dressed oddly and because he seems to have a violent demeanor, he is immediately captured and confined to a prison / mental institution.  Since his language is unfamiliar, an expert in languages is brought in to try to figure out who he is and what he is saying. Eventually the expert (Lloyd Nolan) figures out that what he is speaking is a form of English, and that he is from the future.  He tries his best to "civilize" the man, since basically all he knows is his mission: to kill the Enemy.

In the end the expert removes Qarlo from his captivity and brings him into the normal world.

Meanwhile, Qarlo's "Enemy" finally escapes the vortex and finds his own way into the present, and he, too, is programmed to kill the Enemy, in this case Qarlo. The ultimate end is the two battle.  And destroy each other. 

The only real connection between this episode and The Terminator, as far as I can tell, is that the soldiers are from the future.  If that is the only connection, Ellison was full of shit.  I mean there must be dozens of stories about soldiers from the future traveling back in time, some that even predate his story.

 The Outer Limits "Demon with a Glass Hand" (Broadcast date:  Oct. 17, 1964):

In this episode we have yet another soldier. This one, Tent (played by Robert Culp), is one who awakes with no memory of who he was past "10 days ago". He only knows that someone (or some people are trying to kill him, and his only "friend" is a glass hand.  His hand, which has apparently replaced his real hand is only a partial one. It is missing fingers. He can communicate with the hand and asks it questions constantly.

When he asks it, at the beginning, who these people are and what to do, the hand tells him that the only way to defeat his pursuers is to remove a gold medallion that each carries. And that, to stay alive, his destiny is in his "whole hand".  Cryptic to say the least at this point. And staying alive is :easier said than done."

Immediately Trent captures one of the people and interrogates him.  Thus he discovers that his potential assassins are the Kyba and they come from the future. They are after him to get his hand, which supposedly holds all knowledge. And that he, Trent, is the last man on Earth. Well, obviously he is not the "last man" since this is taking place in the present. So maybe Trent isn't actually from the present time.

The captive reveals that the gold medallion is a device that keeps each assassin in the present, and when it is removed, that person actually doesn't die; he just returns to the future.  And Trent also wears a medallion, so Trent also comes from the future.  As the hand explains this to him, it reveals that the Kyba invaded Earth and had plans to annihilate the human race, but inexplicably, the entire human race vanished.

The secret is that the hand does have all the answers, but it can only function when it is entirely complete.  And the Kyben have the three missing appendages.  They in turn want the rest of his hand because, after all, it holds the key to finding those millions of future humans that disappeared. And to help them get to Trent they have put up a force field around the building from which there is no escape.  So he is all alone.

Well, not quite.  He finds a woman, Consuelo (Arlene Martel),  a human from the present in one of the offices.  So now he has an ally (or at the very least a hostage) to help him defeat the Kyba in the building. 

 

But he has to find and destroy the machine, called a "time mirror" that is a gateway for the Kyba to send back more assassins from the future. (Just a thought, though.  If these Kyba can send back soldiers to hunt Trent, and they have sealed off that one building so there is no escape, why couldn't they just send back 100, or even 1000 soldiers and just have done with it?)

The aliens kill Trent and capture him and Consuelo, and attach one of the fingers.  Thinking there is no threat they leave him and Consuelo alone, and go to await aliens who are coming through the time machine with the other two fingers.  Meanwhile the computer in Trent's hand tells Consuelo how to revive him.  You just THOUGHT he was dead.  As he gradually gets more of the missing appendages the computer in his hand becomes more able to help him find out exactly what he is doing here.  Which turns out to be finding a cure for a plague, one of the reasons the aliens need his hand. 

You see, the humans had created a plague that would destroy all life. Then they transcribed the human race into electronic circuits and put themselves on a thin wire.  Which is how they escaped the plague that is killing off the Kyba in the future.  And ultimately, Trent finds out that he is not a man, but a robot, with that wire imbedded in his body.

OK, at least this episode has some elements that are somewhat similar to the film.  But instead of a robot sent back to eliminate the leader of the rebellion, this robot was sent back to keep the strand of human life alive until that future date when the plague will have dissipated. The only question not really answered is why 1000 years in the past.  Why not just a 100 or so. Trent will have to live through not only the 1000 years, but another 200 beyond that before the Earth will be safe for the return of the humans.

And now we have the plagiarizing culprit...

The Terminator (1984):

The story begins in the future. A vast landscape in the middle of an ongoing battle.  In a brief prologue, before the title and credits run, we find out that, circa 2029 (that's only 4 years from this writing...), "the machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. Their war to exterminate mankind has raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Tonight..."  With just that brief synopsis to introduce to the concept, and the credits and title we segue to present day.

You probably know the drill already. A terminator, an indestructible android (played by the indestructible Arnold Schwarzenegger), appears in a flash of lightning. Nude. 

If you thought I was going to post the nude Arnie, sorry...

Apparently even androids can't use the time machine with clothes, since a little later a human comes through the same type of time transport and he too is nude.

The human is on the run from the cops from the get go.  He and the terminator are both seeking one Sarah Connor.  The terminator is systematically looking for Sarah, but apparently does not know the exact Sarah it is seeking, since it dispatches two of the three listed in the phone book. Luckily for her, (and us as the viewers of the film), the Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) whom it is seeking are listed third of the three people named "Sarah Connor" in the phone book.

Apparently the human, whose name is Reese (Michael Biehn), knows which one is the real target since he tracks her down without bothering to look for the other two. Meanwhile, back at Sarah's apartment, the terminator busts in and wastes Sarah's roommate and her boyfriend.  Mission accomplished as far as the terminator is concerned... right?

Wrong.  At that moment Sarah, panicked because of the two dead Sarah Connors and believing some nutcase is whacking off anyone named Sarah Connor, calls her roommate and leaves a message on the answering machine.  Now the terminator is not only aware that there is still one Sarah to deal with, and by virtue of Sarah telling the roommate where she is, it has it's next destination.  Meanwhile, at the club where Sarah is hiding, she is staying because a Lt. Traxler (Paul Winfield) has told her to stay put, because after all, she is in a public place and no one is going to try anything in a public place. (Yeah, right.)

Both of the future boys end up at the club where Sarah Connor is and Reese blows away the terminator and tells her "come with me if you want to live". 

While on the run Reese tells Sarah what the situation is. Both he and the terminator are from the future.  He was sent back to protect her from the terminator, which is a cybernetic organism (cyborg) which had been sent back to kill her.  Eventually Reese will tell her why. Her unborn son, John Connor, is the leader of the resistance movement against the machines that are trying to take over in the future.  The machines figure if they can eliminate her before she has the son the resistance will be eliminated.

But not only does Reese have to deal with the terminator, he also has to deal with the present day cops, who eventually capture him and Sarah.  Of course, no one ca really be from the future so Kyle must be mentally deranged.  But the terminator (who probably would be also considered mentally deranged, if they could talk to him) stages a raid on the police headquarters, still trying to complete his mission.  Reese manages to use the chaotic distraction to free himself from his handcuffs and escape with Sarah.

While in hiding Reese tells Sarah a little about the future.  Although it is pretty bleak, there is still some hope, and most of it relies on the  tenacity of their leader, her as yet unborn son.  (I should point out that at this point she isn't even pregnant.  Remember that...)  The two hide out a a motel, and Reese leaves, instructing Sarah to let "no one know" where she is.  But she calls her mom and tells her.  Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, her mom is no longer in the picture.  She just told the terminator who, since he is all machine, has the ability to mimic her voice.

Meanwhile things develop back at the motel and Sarah and Reese develop a relationship that gets a bit intimate.  And thus, guess who the father of John is.  You get three guesses, but the first two don't count... So, ultimately we find out why John picked Reese as the man to go back in time to protect her.  (Ignore that time paradox that just came in to your head or the rest of the movie and the rest of the franchise will have no point.

No nude pictures here, either...

The terminator shows up at the motel and. of course, there is an obligatory car chase. The explosives that Reese rigged up have no affect on the pursuing terminator.  But just when things start to look bleak, Reese sets off a bomb that explodes the gas truck that the terminator was using to chase them and he and it go up in flames.

Movie over?  Yeah, right.  Keep thinking optimistically...

The terminator rises from the ashes.  (And this being before CGI, that skeleton of it's makeup is pretty impressive...)

The terminator follows Reese and Sarah into an automated factory where all that machinery is somewhat distracting to the terminator, but it is relentless. And once again Reese is able to seemingly defeat it.  But that's just an illusion... Reese unfortunately dies, but not that relentless S.O.B. 

Of course, Sarah finally finds that drive she needs and lures the terminator into a hydraulic press. And finally! Success!

OK, so the verdict is... The Terminator does have some parts of it that could be construed as somewhat inspiring of the story, but not much.  And yet, the director, rather than have a long drawn out legal battle, chose to capitulate.  I must admit it hurts some to watch this film and see that tag at the end "Acknowledgement to the works of Harlan Ellison".  If it had been me, being the combative personality that I am, I would have told Ellison "Go ahead.  Make my day." (Another movie that has no relationship to Ellison's work, but I bet if he could have found a sliver of opportunity, he wouldn't have hesitated...).

Note: I like Ellison as an author.  He wrote some fantastic stories.  But if he was as much an a-hole as history has made him out to be, I wouldn't have sat down and had a drink with him.

Well, time to fire up the old Plymouth and see if I can dodge those AI robots and make it home.  Drive safely.

Quiggy

Muscles and Steel

 Note; It wasn't planned, of course, since this blogathon was created a few months ago, but I think it's fitting that I should dedicate this entry to the memory of one one of the most iconic voices in Hollywood, James Earl Jones. Jones, in case you were unaware, left the scene earlier this week.  Not only did he give us the memorable voice of Darth Vader, but he played both good and bad guys with style, Go check out some of his classic roles.  (Here he was Thulsa Doon in the first entry of this double feature).

This is my entry in the Barbarians at the Gates blogathon hosted by Hamlette's Soliloquy and yours truly.

The barbarian movie begins (but not necessarily ends) with Conan.  There were a few others, to be sure that predated the two Arnold Schwarzenegger movies featuring the iconic warrior, but I would be willing to bet $$ it would never have taken off to the heights it did it if "The Governator" hadn't come on the scene.

Imagine, for a moment, if you will... Conan the Barbarian... starring...Charles Bronson.  Believe it or not, in the early 70's when this production first started getting batted around Hollywood, Chuck was one of the guys considered. Now Bronson would have been in his 50's, and I don't know for sure how buff he was then, but still...

Another was William Smith (who actually did get a brief role as Conan's father early in the film).  He was a bit younger than Chuck, by 10 years, but still. A mid-40's Conan? 

The third option, and by this time beefcake enough to have pulled it off, was... Sylvester Stallone.  Well, he was indeed turning to a muscular behemoth even in the  early 80's.   And he could have given Arnold himself a run for his money when it came to enunciating.  But I still don't think the swords and sorcery genre would have taken off quite the way it did if Stallone had been at the helm. 

One note in particular about the first movie.  The background to the character of Conan is changed somewhat from what my research says was Robert E. Howard's background for his character.  In the novels Conan develops in his village as a muscular warrior and goes off to the road to adventure from there.  But the movie has a different tack on it.

In the film, a quiet village goes through day to day life.  Conan's father (William Smith) is a metalworker and teaches his young son about what they believe and the legends of their peoples. This includes a down to earth god, much like the people that worship him, Crom.

Into this bucolic setting rides an invading horde.  Since the end result is that the village is burned to the ground and all the men are killed (and maybe even all the women), apparently they are only there to get Conan, who is taken captive.

Conan watches as the warriors lay waste to his village, killing his father.  And then, while standing there holding his mother's hand, the leader of this marauding horde rides up, and removes his helmet.  Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). doesn't even need to say a word.  (We don't actually get to hear Jones' iconic voice until much later in the movie.).  All he has to do is just stare into the eyes of Conan's mother and she drops her sword.  And then Doom beheads her.

Conan, along with several other boys, are taken captive, and eventually put to work as slaves turning a wheel.  At the start, all of them turn the wheel. (And what the point of this wheel is is never really clear...) Eventually all of the other children fall to the wayside (whether by death or some other circumstances is also not really clear.)

This leaves Conan himself, who through all this has become a very muscular older man.  And he is released from his captivity.  The scene shifts to him, supposedly free (but still has some remnants of chains on him so I'm not sure.) Being chased by wild dogs he hides in a cavern which quite possibly is a burial tomb.  A skeleton that appears to have been a former king sits on a throne with a sword.  Conan takes the sword, cleans it up and removes the remaining chains.

When he gets out of the cave/tomb he encounters a witch who revels to him some important information on where he can find the men who killed his father.  He has to go to a town where more will be revealed.  Along the way he meets a thief named Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and the woman with whom he becomes infatuated, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman).  

The trio raid a tower and kill a big snake and get some jewels, but their escapade comes to the attention of the local king, Osric (Max von Sydow),

Osric gives them a quest, rescue his daughter who has come under the influence of a powerful sorcerer (you guessed it, Thulsa Doom). Both Subotai and Valeria try to convince Conan to turn down this quest, but, revenge is a dish best served cold (to quote another movie).  Conan has to go after Doom for the honor his dead parents and ends up taking it alone since neither is willing to go on this obviously no-win endeavor.  (I mean Thulsa Doom is renowned for his big time status as a wizard after all.)

Conan makes his way to the citadel and runs across a small time wizard (Mako) in his own right (and by coincidence our humble narrator of the saga),  who gives him some help but sends him on his way.  Conan arrives at Doom's citadel. where he poses as a wannabe convert, with the help of a priest whose robes he "confiscates".

But Thulsa sees through him (wizard, remember?) and orders him to be crucified.  But Conan is not going to go down so easily. Even as he is crucified and beginning to be eaten by vultures he still tries to fight back.  And to his rescue come his friends. Both Subotai and Valeria come around to his way of thinking and agree to help him on his quest to rescue Osric's daughter. But first they must nurse him back to health and for that they need the help of a wizard.  The same wizard Conan met on his way to Doom's citadel.

 But ultimately Doom has some manner of magic and Valeria ends up dying. 

Conan pleads with Crom to help him in his quest for revenge. And since Valeria has previously promised if she died and Conan needed her help to defeat the powers of darkness, well..

They don't get much more magical than this.  You have to summon some serious powers to defeat a big time wizard like Doom, and Conan is going to need every bit of it.

So I'll leave just a bit of stuff for you to check out, but since Conan returns in the sequel you know somehow he's gonna win.  But just how is worth the wait.

Conan the Destroyer (1984):

The ensuing years since Conan defeated the power of Thulsa Doom and his minions ad lost his great love Valeria have not been easy for Conan.  He wanders the world looking for things to help him deal with his loss, but nothing seems to fill the void. At the time of the beginning of this film, he is just an itinerant thief, working with a fellow thief, Malak (Tracey Walter).

Into his world comes a band of soldiers who are intent upon, not killing him, but capturing him. He is able to fend them off fairly well, well enough that the leader of the band stops the fight.  The leader turns out to be a queen, Taramis (Sarah Douglas), who has been seeking a champion for a quest.  And she has the right bait to lure Conan, since power and money are not an incentive.  She promises him, at the outset, that she can bring back Valeria from the dead.  And, Conan, being a lovesick mourner (as well as not as cynical as I would be), falls for her bait.

So what is this quest?  Conan is hired to accompany Taramis' niece, Jehnna (Olivia D'Abo), on a journey to retrieve a key that will be used to revive the god Dagoth.  

It is a convoluted myth, but basically Jehnna is the prophesied girl who is the only one who can actually touch said key.  Conan will accompany Jehnna, and Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), Taramis' captain of the guards, on this quest.  

What neither Conan, or for that matter Jehnna, know is that Taramis is trying to fulfil a prophecy that will bring a god back to life, but that will require the sacrifice of Jehnna, the "virgin" that so often shows up in these kinds of legends.

 And, also, it turns out, Taramis has no intention of fulfilling her promise to Conan (whether she could or not). She instructs Bombaata to kill Conan once the key is retrieved.

So we begin the journey, Conan, Jehnna, Bombaata and Malak.  But along the way we will acquire a few other travelers, including the wizard friend from the previous adventure (Mako), who has since acquired a name, Akiro.  Akiro has to be rescued, however, since he is currently the main course of a feast for cannibals.

Also, in a village, they come across a woman who is chained and fending off six tormenters.  She is the last of a band of marauders that had attempted to raid the town..  After helping her (simply by unchaining her), Conan and the band ride on.  But the woman, Zula (Grace Jones) follows and wants to join with Conan on his quest.

The first step is to somehow get in to the castle of Thoth-Amon (Pat Roach), which is located out in the middle of a lake (and since Thoth-Amon is a wizard, guarded by some serious magic).  Conan insists they wait until morning to try their attempt, but Thoth-Amon has other ideas.  He turns into a giant bird and captures Jehnna.  (Using some pretty cheesy special effects to accomplish it...) Leaving the rest of the band to figure out how to rescue her and complete the quest of retrieving the key they came for.

They invade the castle, but are greeted by far greater magic than they have encountered yet.  Conan has to fight a creature in a room full of mirrors.  A creature comes out of each mirror and combines to form one creature, one that seems almost impervious to anything Conan can try to defeat it.  The solution to it's defeat is not necessarily ingenious (in fact in retrospect it seems kind of cheesy) but it is a satisfying solution.  (And I won't give it away, but I bet even if you've never seen the movie you can guess how to defeat this creature.)

It turns out that the creature's death also results in the death of Thoth-Amon, who had used magic to make himself the creature.  So now Conan and company can retrieve the key they came for.

The next part of the journey should be without Conan, since this is the point that the queen gave Bombaata instructions to dispatch him.  But Conan has other plans.  Bombaata, for his part, manages to convince Conan that the queen's guards have attacked on their own, not by orders of the queen.  Conan, if anything, gullible to subterfuge, believes him.  So the crowd continues on its way to the next quest, which is to use the key they got to retrieve the real relic they were after.  A cavern, and a big stone door that requires the strength of both Conan and Bombaata to open.  (So it turns out that it's a good thing Bombaata and the guards didn't succeed.)

Inside the hidden room is the horn of Dagoth, and an inscription which Akiro translates and discovers the ultimate destiny both of Jehnna and the horn.  But when Akiro tells Conan of the writing he dismisses it.  

Eventually Bombaata manages, he thinks, to trap the rest in the cavern and escapes with the girl.  but since this is Conan, the rest manage to escape and decide to go back to the city to try and stop the queen's evil plans.

The rest is the battle that occurs after the horn is replaced and the statue of Dagoth is revived.  But in order to complete the rite, you remember, Jehnna the virgin must be sacrificed.  Of course, if the rite is not completed as it is written things could go awry. Which of course is what happens.

So how does Conan defeat the evil forces?  Watch the movie!

It's too bad that the saga did not continue from here.  But then if it had we would have missed out on a few other great movies that Schwarzenegger did from here on out.  But it was not necessarily the end of Conan on film.  There was a 2011 reboot with Jason Momoa as the titular character.  But since it failed to even recoup it's production money at the box office, that pretty much torched a Momoa sequel. But we can always keep our hopes up, because Hollywood never lets a budget deficit completely bury a potential possibility of new reboots.

Well, folks, time to head out for home (wherever home may be).  Keep an eye out for those wizards, you never know what they might be up to.

Quiggy

Stone Face Does Comedy?

This is my entry in the Sixth So Bad It's Good Blogathon host by Taking Up Room

 

So you're asking: "'Stone Face'?  Who the hell is 'Stone Face'?

Well, a few years ago I did a post on Sylvester Stallone doing two movies (Stone Face Vs. the Russians) which, coincidentally, was for another So Bad It's Good Blogathon. In it I made some jesting comments that Stallone never cracked a smile in his entire career.  I could be wrong.

It's a sure bet that not many have cracked a smile over Stallone's comedy career, however.  I mentioned this to a friend at work the other day while listening to a podcast review of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! that Stallone's was best at comedy when he wasn't trying to do comedy.  Along with Rhinestone, both movies stand as milestones in the dumpster of Stallone's career when he tried to do comedy.  Both movies are ranked among the worst movies of all time. 

As stated in that previously noted review, Stallone has been the "victim" of numerous Razzies (The Golden Raspberry Awards) for worst actor.  I don't always agree with John Wilson, the creator of the award, and many times I think that Wilson just has it in for Stallone.  But then, I like the kinds of movies that Stallone does (at least the ones where he is trying to be a tough guy)

But Stallone as a comedy star?  Not exactly the best career decision.  That said, both of these movies are entertaining in their own right.  Don't think that just because I am being a little critical of his comedy career that I don't like them in their own context as Stallone films. But I still think that Stallone should stick to what he does best, punching bad guys and obnoxious a-holes in the face.  (Which he DOES do in these two films, just not often enough).

Rhinestone and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! were separated by an 8 year string of the kind of movies most of us come to expect from Stallone (including the two I reviewed in the previously mentioned post). During that time we also got Cobra, Lock Up and Tango and Cash, all pretty good Stallone tough guy movies.

Since Stallone has famously disassociated himself from Rhinestone, you would have thought maybe he'd be a little reluctant to delve into another comedy.  And maybe he was.  But here's a tidbit for you.  At the time of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in an intense rivalry for box office status.  The reason that Stallone wanted to do Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! was because he wanted to put one over on Schwarzenegger because he thought the The Governator really wanted the role.  It turns out that Arnold got Stallone to do it on purpose by just pretending to be interested (as he has pointed out in several interviews, post film).  

So is Stallone actually funny (or at least believably funny) as a comedy star? You have to watch to find out.  

 

 

 

 

Rhinestone (1984):

(Note: In the opening credits of this film it says it is based on the Glen Campbell song "Rhinestone Cowboy". If you know the song, you'll probably think they should have added "loosely" before the word "based"...)

 The scene is New York City.  Home of one of the biggest country music venues in the nation. 

Or at least in the mind of it's owner, Freddie Ugo (Ron Liebman).  Ugo is a slimeball, prominently foreshadowed by his first line in the movie.  He arrives in a diamond studded limousine where an employee opens his door and greets him with a "Good evening, Mr. Ugo".

"It's always a good evening when you're rich, kid."

Appearing at his nightclub is Jake Farris (Dolly Parton).  She struggles through her nightly set, having to share the stage with Ugo's "amateur night" which includes whatever new sensation that he can find to get him even richer.  Tonight it is Elgart Brunson (Russ {or also Rusty}Buchanan, who was actually a decent singer. He was involved with several bands in the 70's and 80's.).  Elgart plays a song he wrote about a girlfriend who died in a horrible way. And he sings horribly himself. (Kudos to Buchanan for pulling it off.  This is one of the funnier parts of this film.)

Ugo has a contract with Jake to appear at his nightclub, but Jake wants out.  Ugo, never one to miss an opportunity to be a sleazeball, tells her she is committed to the contract, but he could be convinced to null it under the right circumstances.  Jake tells him, rather impetuously, that she could turn anybody into a country star in two weeks, and Ugo takes her up on the bet. If she succeeds, he will tear up the contract.

On the other hand, if she fails, she has to sign on for another 5 years.  And she has to go to bed with him.  (I told you he never misses an opportunity to be a scumbag. I mean, just in case you as the audience, miss the obvious, look at where is eyes go when he is chatting with Jake.  Her eyes are a little farther up, Freddie...)

And he gets to pick the unwitting victim that Jake will have to miraculously turn into a star. Enter stereotypical abrasive New York cabbie, Nick Martinelli (Sylvester Stallone). Nick is in the process of delivering a Japanese tourist group to a spot they didn't even know they wanted to go. They started out for a sushi bar, but Nick convinces them to change their minds, (and not necessarily willingly...)

Backed into a corner and unwilling to sleep with Ugo (even if it was just "sleeping"), Jake finds herself saddled with a man who wouldn't know the difference between a honky tonk and a Tonka truck. And has to find a way to not only get him acclimated to the country music scene, but squeeze out a modicum of talent that will get her the win in the bet.

Of course, the fly in the ointment is Nick doesn't even like country music. Or hillbilly lifestyle as we find out.  Because in an effort to get Nick into country music shape, Jake takes him back to her hometown in backwater Tennessee.

Talk about a fish out of water.  Here's your typical brash New York City Italian dropped in the middle of hillbilly heaven (or hell, depending on your point of view.) Jake introduces Nick to the down home crowd, her friends and her family in good old back home Leiper's Fork. (And, believe it or not, that's a real town in Tennessee. And was the location for some of the Tennessee portions of this film).

Don't miss the debut of Nick in Tennessee.  He sings "Devil with a Blue Dress" and gets the reaction from the crowd that you'd pretty much expect. So Jake has her work all cut out for her. (Two weeks?  Phttt. Piece of cake...)

Nick is on his way, learning the "proper" way of eating (like mixing your peas and potatoes together, and saving your biscuits for dipping in your gravy). And making new friends, like Jake's former boyfriend, Barnett (Tim Thomerson). But don't mention that name around Jake. Their relationship was not what you might call amicable.

The next time Nick gets in front of a crowd he has improved somewhat. He sings a song called "Drinkenstein". Which you've got to see to believe:

The upshot is Nick needs a little more work (obviously). But ultimately Jake does manage to get Nick into some semblance of cowboy shape.  But is he good enough to take on the rough crowd back in New York City, or good enough to capture the prize of getting Jake out of her contract with sleazy Freddie? Well, that all depends on whether he even makes it to the stage... Because before the movie is over there is one final problem. Jake reveals that she hasn't got the kind of confidence in Nick's new found career, even though he thinks he's hot patootie.

When Jake decides she has to forfeit and goes to Freddie to concede, Nick has to ride out to rescue her, like "a rhinestone cowboy, riding out on a horse in something like a star-spangled rodeo". (Had to justify the "based on" portion of the credits, after all...)

And then he has to win over the audience. But he decides to do it his way.  And his way ends up being a foreshadowing of the future of what country would transform into today. (i.e. rock posing as country.)

This movie is not all as bad as it sounds.  Really.  Is it on the level of, say, Blazing Saddles (a movie I consider tops in comedy)? No. But it will win you over as a decent transformation type film.  If you give it a chance.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! (1992):

Joe Bomowski (Sylvester Stallone) is your average detective on your average police force in your average big city. (Well, average for gung ho cop movies anyway.)  The movie opens with Joe and his partner, Tony (John Wesley) on a stakeout.  They are awaiting the arrival of "the bad guys" who, as usual, are "always late". And, as usual, when they do arrive, there is a shootout, and as usual, the partner gets shot.  And, as usual, the main cop shows off his impulsive personality by doing some rather impressive shooting of things that shouldn't be victim of his shooting. (He shoots out the chains holding up a sign.  Poor sign.  What did it do to deserve this treatment?)

 After the shoot out we see Joe, frustrated, trying to call his mother.  Mom (Estelle Getty) is packing for a visit and ignores his call because for the last five times she has planned to come visit he has called her to say this is a "bad time for a visit." 

Joe has a romantic interest, his lieutenant in the police force, Gwen (JoBeth Williams). Gwen doesn't really believe him when he tells her that he was trying to call mom.  She thinks there is another woman. (Of course she does).

When Mom finally arrives on the plane we find out why Joe has such an issue with her.  Mom, loving Mom as she is, seems to have spent the entire plane trip talking about her Joey and showing the flight attendants, passengers, and anyone else who will listen, pictures of her son, in diapers. (No, not an adult in diapers, just as a baby. Get your mind out of the gutter...)

While driving her to the apartment, a radio call comes on stating that there is a suicide jumper. (Why is it that many of these cop movies involve a scene with a suicide jumper?  And why do they always seem to play it for laughs?) Of course, Mom has to jump into the fray and try to help.

Mom increasingly becomes annoying (after all, she can't just let Joe continue to live in his untidy apartment, or eat the decidedly less nutritious fare he is used to...) At one point she decides that Joe's gun is too dirty, so she cleans it.  How? With a mixture of Clorox, Ajax and Comet... (No, I don't have any idea whether that combination is lethal, and I doubt whether the writers researched it to find out.  So don't try it at home.)

The gun, of course, is ruined. (I don't know if it really is ruined, but it has to be for this part of the plot to advance, so...) So while Joe is at work, Mom heads out to find her Joey a new gun.  But the pawn shop insists on following the rules.  It will take two weeks before she can actually buy the gun. (It's called a "cooling off" period so you can't just buy a gun and shoot someone on impulse.)  But a customer in the shop wants to be helpful.  The customer (Dennis Burkley) helpfully takes her into the alley where he and his partner have an armory of automatic weapons.  And sells her one.

But the guns were stolen from another set of hoodlums.  Hoodlums who have been watching the two. And they are given the word by their boss to reclaim their merchandise.  Mom witnesses the hit and murder.  Now, since Mom is a material witness to a crime, she is going to have to stay until it's resolution... an extra two or three weeks... Poor Joe.

And Mom, being what mothers are (at least what mothers are in movies, anyway). has Joe's interests at heart.  So she withholds evidence of what she really saw so she can share it with Joe and hopefully get him a promotion, as well as improve his relationship with Gwen.

Much of the rest of the film involves the kind of things that are bound to happen when a overly pampered son (who is highly resistant to the over-pampering) has to TRY to get his mother to let him live his own life, but mom keeps finding ways to help (and he doesn't want the help.  Need?  That's a different story).

It turns out that the gun Mom bought was part of a stash of guns that were supposed to have burned up in a warehouse fire,  And behind it all is the Mr. Big of the movie, a sleazy big shot corporation executive named Parnell (Roger Rees).  Rees has cropped up over the years as a comedic villain or at least an unappealing character.  He was the sheriff of Rottingham in Robin Hood: Men in Tights and two stints on TV, one as Lord John Marbury in "The West Wing", and as Robin Colcord on "Cheers".

It seems Parnell had the fire intentionally set, not only to collect on the insurance, but also to illegally sell the guns.  And a couple of the cases of guns were stolen by the hoods that tried to sell Mom a gun early in the movie.

All's well that ends well, as they say, as Joe, with the help of Mom, prevent Parnell from leaving the country with the contraband.  And spoiler alert! we find out in the end that Joe finally proposed to Gwen and they are engaged. (A deleted scene on the DVD shows the proposal scene, but it was cut from the theatrical release. Watching it, I can see why.  It wasn't all that funny.)

So here is the skinny on Stone Face in comedy.  I still say he should stick to action, with the occasional comic barbs in certain situations.  But as for the fact that they are considered some of his worst movies? I would have you go watch Oscar (another comedy), or even The Specialist (not a comedy) before you decide that.

Well, that brings us to the time we need to leave the drive-in.  They are already shutting down the lights and blasting "Drunkenstein" through the speakers.  And my mom is texting me to see if I'll stop to get some milk. Drive safely, folks.

Quiggy