Star Trek V: The Search for a Plot

 

 

 

 

This is my first entry in the Film. Release. Repeat. Blogathon hosted by Hamlette's Soliloquy and yours truly.

 

 

Star Trek, as a franchise, has had it's ups and downs.

A brief history, for those three or four people out there who have never even heard of Star Trek.  The first incarnation of Star Trek began with creator Gene Roddenberry pitching the idea around Hollywood for a science fiction series for adults. Previously science fiction had been in the realm of shows primarily aimed at kids (Captain Video, Space Patrol and Tom Corbett, Space Cadet). Roddenberry envisioned a series that, although it took place in space, would end up addressing social issues of the day. He struggled to get anybody to understand the concept until he just said "It's Wagon Train to the stars!"

The original Star Trek TV show, (affectionately referred to in these later days as Star Trek: TOS (The Original Series), had a following of devotees, but never really took off enough to keep it going, and thus lasted only 3 short seasons. But the fans refused to let it go. 

 

So for a brief period there was an animated series, Star Trek: TAS (The Animated Series) to try to appease them, but that one never really took off, lasting only 2 seasons. (You could chalk that up to the fact that it was a cartoon and most of the fans were well into adulthood, but I don't think that really encapsulates why it was not a success...) So, the fans became even more ardent, starting sci-fi conventions solely dedicated to the series, and, coupled with the astounding attention from the original series then in syndication, it sparked Hollywood's interest.

 

Thus, beginning in 1979, a series of 6 movies that expanded on the original series were released. Some were great, some mediocre and one was a dud from the outset.  The interest in Star Trek would eventually spawn several offshoots of the Star Trek universe, including the first follow up TV series, Star Trek: TNG (The Next Generation), which in turn would also spawn 4 theatrically released movies. 

 

Following Star Trek: TNG would be several other series, none of which spawned a theatrical movie release, but were nonetheless good, or even great: Star Trek: DS9 (Deep Space Nine) which lasted 7 seasons, 

 

Star Trek: VOY (Voyager), which also lasted 7 seasons, 

 

and Star Trek: ENT (Enterprise), which lasted 4 seasons. 

 

In addition, there have been numerous streaming series available if one had access to them. There have also been 3 movies featuring a new cast in the roles of the classic series characters. I refer to these as "reboots".  As well, a recent 2025 new look film, Star Trek: Section 31.

At the time of this writing there have been 14 of them. Although my rating of them differs from the consensus in many cases, most everyone agrees that Star Trek V: The Final Frontier is the worst of the output. (Note: I consider it still too early to make the call on the recent Star Trek: Section 31, which currently occupies last place on a list of Star Trek movies on the Tomato-meter...) 

So just for clarity, I will rate my personal opinion of the ranking of the Star Trek movies before delving into today's review:

1.  Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) {a TOS film} 

2.  Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991) {a TOS film}

 

(Both of those films were, coincidentally, directed by Nicholas Meyer, who also gave us Time After Time, a film still waiting for a review on The Midnite Drive-In...)

 

3.  Star Trek: First Contact (1996) {a TNG film}

4.  Star Trek (2009) {a "reboot" film}

5.  Star Trek: Generations (1994) {a conjoining/transition film which includes TOS and TNG characters}

6.  Star Trek: Beyond (2016) {a "reboot" film}

7.  Star Trek: Insurrection (1998) {a TNG film}

8.  Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013) {a "reboot" film}

9.  Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984) {a TOS film}

10. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) {a TOS film}

11. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002) {a TNG film}

12. Star Trek: Section 31 (2025) {a different "reboot" film} 

13. *Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986) {a TOS film}*

14. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) {a TOS film}  

 (*Note: Contrary to the public opinion of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, which usually ranks it much higher, the in your face, environmental, "save the whales" message just turned me off, this despite the fact that I adore movies that feature time travel. So no apologies if your opinion differs...)

 

 

 

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989):

The  beginning of the film is your standard fare for a Star Trek movie. A native of Nimbus III is digging holes on his land. Why? Who knows. All logic of this movie vanishes the moment the native sees a cloaked figure riding up to his position. The native is initially hostile and wary of this interloper, but it becomes immediately apparent that the newcomer has no hostile intentions against the native. As a matter of fact, the newcomer exhibits compassion and care for the native and asks him to "share his pain".And here is where the movie goes off track.  It seems to have a new age feel to it. And just what the hell is a "new age philosophy" doing in a Star Trek move?

 

Anyway, this newcomer, name of Sybok (Laurence Luckinbill), is some sort of mystic visionary. He is also a Vulcan, and the later revelation, that Sybok is related to Spock is almost telegraphed from the very beginning. Sybok's intentions become clear. He has plans to invade the capitol city of Nimbus III. There, as the planet is a neutral site, three envoys, one a Terran, St. John Talbot (David Warner), one a Romulan Caithlyn Dar (Cynthia Gouw), and one a Klingon General Korrd (Charles Cooper) are meeting to negotiate a peace treaty.

 

Sybok's intentions are to take the three envoys hostage, thus inciting rescue operations. But Sybok's intentions are not to incite a war. Instead he desires to take command of a starship. And why, you might ask? He seeks out the mythical birthplace of life as we know it, known variously as Sha'ka'ree or Eden or any other religious mythical name. And he wants to meet "God". face-to-face. (So we went new age, which rejects Judeo-Christian myths, to actually striving to prove the existence of a Judeo-Christian mythos? Geez, Shatner, couldn't you get a grasp on what you wanted to say?)

Anyway, as usual, the only starship even remotely nearby enough to go on the rescue mission is of course the Enterprise. (OK, so we have to be used to this development. since it was the reason the Enterprise was sent to encounter the mysterious force headed to Earth in the first movie, and also to go check out the mysterious goings on with Project Genesis in Star Trek II.)

 

The problem with using the Enterprise is that it is in serious need of a shakedown. In case you didn't know the timeline, I'll give you a bit of background. In Star Trek III the crew of the Enterprise hijacked the ship to go rescue Spock, and in the process had demolished the ship. A new Enterprise was commissioned at the end of Star Trek IV. This is the one that Kirk and crew have to maneuver  to rescue the hostages, and it is not entirely ready for the mission.

Meanwhile, a renegade Klingon captain has heard about the mission and decides on his own to chase down Kirk solely for the glory of defeating the vaunted legendary Captain. One wonders why the Klingons don't have their own rescue mission mounted to save their own envoy on Nimbus IIi, but given the Klingon predilection for honor in battle, perhaps they figured the Klingon ambassador deserves his fate. It is hinted at that General Korrd must have committed some grievous error to be in the "demoted" position of a lowly ambassador...

 

When Kirk and his crew arrive at Nimbus III, they find they don't even have the ambassadors as allies, since Sybok has managed to work his mumbo-jumbo to get them on his side. He also manages to convert many members of the Enterprise crew as allies, through his "sharing" of their pain and forcing them to face their fears. The only person who refuses to submit to Sybok's ministrations is Kirk himself, who insists that his fears and pain are what makes him Kirk, and his pains are important to him.

Still Sybok does manage to get the rest of the crew, including Spock, to at least let him have his way with the ship and they travel to the Great Barrier of the universe. No ship has ever crossed the Great Barrier and returned, so no one knows what is on the other side. But Sybok is certain he will not only find the mythical  Sha'ka'ree, but will also encounter "God".

Of course the ship has to cross that Great Barrier and enter into the unknown, otherwise this whole movie would have been entirely pointless (notwithstanding that it is mostly pointless anyway...). Once beyond the Great Barrier, they do manage to encounter "God". But before you get the idea that it is a validation of the existence of a Supreme Being, this "God" turns out to be just a powerful entity whose power is somewhat limited to just the area where it resides. And apparently, there must be some greater power behind the scenes, because this "God" character is a prisoner on this planet.

 

He (it?) somehow managed to contact Sybok and maneuver the Vulcan in order to bring a starship into the vicinity so it could escape it's prison, and... do what? Wreak havoc over the entire universe? Kirk, being Kirk, asks the most obvious question... "What does God need with a starship?" This of course angers the being and it (he?) attempts to kill or at least punish Kirk for his impertinence.

 

Having lost it's way long before this point, the renegade Klingon shows up and attempts to destroy the Enterprise. He discovers that Kirk is not aboard the Enterprise, but is actually on the planet and thus aborts his attempt to destroy the Enterprise. Instead he turns his attention towards the planet, intending to take his prize defenseless.  But eventually he saves Kirk rather than kill him. The reason for this developmental change is just as egregious as the rest of the movie, but the fact is that Kirk does not really win the day at the end, but is saved by a sworn enemy. Which is even more astounding by the fact that Shatner was renowned for his attempts to make Kirk the focal point of the Star Trek universe. (He would often steal lines that were originally intended for other characters...)

Harve Bennett, the producer of the film, is quoted as saying that Star Trek V  "nearly killed the franchise". Besides the ridiculous plot, another thing that had a bad impact on the film was the subpar special effects team. Originally the production company was going to go with Industrial Light and Magic, the special effects company who had produced the effects for the previous three films. But ILM was involved in two other projects, Ghostbusters II and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, both of which used up much of the company's top talent, so the film had to seek other avenues. 

The worst special effects, in my opinion, come when Kirk and company finally arrive at Sha'ka'ree and meet "God". The wizard encounter in The Wizard of Oz was loads better, and they didn't even know what CGI was back in 1939. Much of the rest of the space scenes seem to have been done on the fly rather than actually have been done in earnest to give the viewer some bang for his buck. 

Star Trek V had high hopes upon it's release, despite the fact that it was competing  with a whole raft of big budget movies, not only including the above mentioned Ghostbusters and Indiana Jones films, but also the first Tim Burton Batman film, the second Back to the Future film, the second Lethal Weapon film and a few gems that became bigger events for the year, Look Who's Talking and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Ultimately the movie didn't even crack the top ten grossing films, making it the first of the franchise to not earn that honor. In addition it was also the lowest grossing film in the franchise.

Critics excoriated the film. Roger Ebert called it "pretty much of a mess - a movie that betrays all the signs of having gone into production at a point where the script doctoring should have begun in earnest."  Probably the best (or worst) indication of how bad Star Trek V was is the fact that it was nominated for some Razzies, an award given out to the worst movies of the year. William Shatner "won" Worst Director and Worst Actor and the film won Worst Picture. To put that in perspective here are some of the competitors that year: Worst Picture: The Karate Kid Part III and Road House. Worst Director: John G. Avildsen for The Karate Kid Part III, Rowdy Harrington for Road House and Eddie Murphy for Harlem Nights. Worst Actor: Ralph Macchio for The Karate Kid Part III, Patrick Swayze for Road House ans (big surprise) Sylvester Stallone. ("Big surprise" because Stallone was almost a shoo-in to win a Razzie whenever he was nominated...)  (And just a side note: Sorry, John Wilson, but I think Road House was pretty good. 

Star Trek movies are almost always worth at least one viewing. It takes a pretty bad movie to make me have to actually have to work at finding the energy to watch it a second time. I can do most "bad" movies twice, standing on my head... I delayed watching this movie the second time,  because it was such a bad experience 35 years ago. This is only my second time to watch it and it still was the same stinker I thought it was when I left the theater in 1989. Rarely do I recommend that you DON'T give a movie a shot, but if you haven't seen this one yet, take my advice... save your rental fee.

Until next time.

Quiggy

 

Bats to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right

 

It sometimes shocks me to find out that a movie I loved when I was younger is not one I have ever reviewed on The Midnite Drive-In. I would have sworn I had covered this movie at some point, and recently, after listening to a movie review  podcast on the film, I went through the archives, expecting to refresh my memory of what I wrote about it.  But, surprise, although I had done one on Batman and Robin, I had never covered the one that started it all.

Batman has some fond memories for me. See the "personal note" at the end of this prologue. 

When it came time to cast the film, as usual, there were a lot of A-list actors who lined up for the role of the Joker. Brad Dourif, who was the voice of Chucky in nearly every Child's Play movie, I think would have made an excellent Joker, but others who attempted auditions included Ray Liotta, John Lithgow(!), Tim Curry(!!) and even Robin Williams(!!!). (I heard somewhere that that was how the studio convinced Jack Nicholson to take the role... as in, "Well, if you don't do it we are gonna go with Robin Williams...")

Kim Basinger landed the role of Vicki Vale rather fortuitously, at least for her.  The original role was going to go to Sean Young (Blade Runner), but she had a horse riding accident that took her out of the picture.  Basinger came at the suggestion of producer Jon Peters, and that was that.  

The casting for the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman had several intriguing possibilities, too. Mel Gibson, Dennis Quaid, Tom Selleck(!), Harrison Ford(!!) and Charlie Sheen(?) were all interested. The studio tried to get Pierce Brosnan interested but he had no interest in playing a comic book character. Too bad. But can you imagine... if he had, he might not have been available to play James Bond in the late 90's. (Brosnan is my second favorite Bond, behind Roger Moore... and, yes, I know I am in a minority there.) 

But of course, we all know that the final result was the casting of Micheal Keaton in the primo role. 

If you weren't alive in the early 80's you probably have no clue as to what a hubbub the casting of Michael Keaton in the role of Batman caused. Prior to this film, Keaton was mostly known for oddball comedies, many of which his character in the film was a bit unhinged.  Like Night Shift, Johnny Dangeously and, most recently at the time, Beetlejuice. Serious Batman fans who were expecting a drastic reformation of the campy 60's TV (and movie) Batman with Adam West and Burt Ward were, needlessly to say, dismissive of the casting.  Micheal Keaton? "Beetlejuice" is going to be "Batman"? Some 50,000 protest letters were sent to the studio when the casting was revealed.

But, guess what? When it came time to tally up the effect that apparent faux pas had on the viewing public that consternation withered away. Unlike the fears and trepidation that Keaton would just rehash the old campy TV show, Burton and Keaton and company surprised the viewing public with a darker and grittier Batman, much like the then current and popular rehashing in the comic world by Frank Miller. Miller had, in 1986, presented a new look to Batman franchise in the comic world, Batman: The Dark Knight. The new Batman took it's cue from that  series.  

 

 

 

 

Batman (1989): 

The opening involves a family of three exiting a venue and trying to find a cab.  Your first impression will probably be, as was mine, that this is the introduction to the origin of the Batman, since everyone knows that Bruce Wayne's parents were killed when he was a kid.  But if you are observant it will become readily apparent that these three are tourists in Gotham, not young Wayne and his parents, who were rich socialites already established in the city. 

Hoodlums assault the family and make off with their booty, but while divvying up their treasure, discuss the recent sightings of a "giant bat" that had sent one of their buddies off a roof. Even though one of them is dismissive of the legend, the "giant bat" in question, Batman (Michael Keaton) shows up and dispatches, although does not kill, the hoodlums. Instead he tells one of them to tell all his friends about the vigilante.

 

 Hood: "Who ARE you?"

Batman: "I'm Batman"

While the hood is carted off, raving about giant bats, Lt. Eckhardt (William Hootkins) meets up with Jack Napier (Jack Nicholson), the second in command of top crime boss of Gotham, Carl Grissom (Jack Palance). Eckhardt doesn't like Napier much and the feeling is mutual. Eckhardt has been taking bribes from Grissom to keep a lid on the investigation into his underworld activities. (Eckhardt is obviously not a very nice character himself.)

 

Side Note: William Hootkins is probably one of the greatest character actors in the late 70's and 80's. One of his first roles was as Porkins (also known as Red Six) in Star Wars, and due to that role he became well remembered, at least with the Star Wars geeks.  But one of my favorite has to be his brief role as Munson in Flash Gordon.  You would also remember him in the early part of Raiders of the Lost Ark as one of the Army men who visit Indiana Jones to lure him into the search for the lost ark.

In the normal world things are going along as would be expected. Top investigative reporter for the Gotham newspaper, Alexander Knox (Robert Wuhl) is investigating these mysterious sightings of a giant bat wreaking havoc in the criminal underworld, but Mayor Borg (Lee Wallace), District Attorney Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams) and Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) are refusing to cooperate.  Knox doesn't have many friends on his side taking him seriously until he meets a photographer, Vicki Vale (Kim Bassinger), who is interested in pairing up with him to investigate the vigilante.

 

(l to r): Dent, Mayor and Gordon

 

(l to r): Knox and Vicki

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Grissom discusses with Napier how to deal with the threat from the police. He sets Napier up to be arrested during a sabotage operation on one of his "legal" holdings, Axis Chemicals. The reason he is setting up his second in command is that Napier has been making time with Grissom's woman, Alicia (Jerry Hall). 

 

At the plant, while Napier is carrying out the sabotage, the police arrive and so does Batman. In a battle between the forces of good and evil, Batman apparently tries to apprehend Napier, but loses his grip and Napier falls to his (apparent) death. Gordon is furious and wants Batman arrested, but he escapes.

 

Of course, somehow Napier escapes with his life, but he is disfigured, with a hideous grin, white face and an even more vindictive personality. Transformed now as The Joker, his first act is to get revenge on Grissom for setting him up. The next act is to take over Grissom's operation, including eliminating any and all crime bosses in the city who pose a threat to his position as top criminal.

 

The Joker is increasing incensed that this Batman character is getting all the attention in the press and develops various ways to get back into the bad graces of the city. "This town needs an enema!" he shouts as he destroys yet another TV in his lair.  (TV's were still high price things in the late 80's so Joker must be making good money in his business...)

Back at the mansion, Bruce Wayne, alias Batman, is developing  a relationship with Vicki, as well as is Batman, who has rescued her on a couple of occasions. 

 

Wayne's butler, Alfred (Michael Gough), alternately tries to get Wayne to back off his vigilante quest, as well as tries to encourage Wayne to let Vicki in on the truth. 

 

The Joker is also trying to horn in on Vicki's romantic escapades. He variously tries to romance Vicki, although not entirely in a Casanova fashion. When he shows up at Vicki's apartment he encounters Wayne and shoots him in a jealous rage, but not before saying to him "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light?". Wayne, of course, survives, but now he realizes that the Joker is the same hoodlum that shot his parents. (Note: In the history of the original comic book story, the actual murderer was a guy named "Joe Chill", and not actually The Joker, but this being Hollywood, you gotta have all these loose ends tie up conveniently, so...)

 

The ultimate showdown involves The Joker presenting a parade for the city of Gotham, complete with parade, balloons and huge drops of cash on the citizens.  But The Joker's plan does not really involve charity. He intends to blanket the city in a gas that will kill every one who breathes it in. Batman flies in, literally, to the rescue and thwarts the Joker's plans, leading to an ultimate battle atop the city cathedral.

 

The story itself is secondary to the production of the film.  Much of the story comes off as a little cheesy these days, but Tim Burton and company made the city of Gotham come to life.  The dark feeling of a city on the verge of financial ruin due to the rampant crime in the city is visually impressive. There were a few plot holes that stuck out for me, however.

Primarily the one that hit hardest for me is early in the movie. Vicki Vale and Alexander Knox show up at a charity event in order to try to corner the Mayor and Commissioner Gordon for an interview on the sightings of Batman. Both meet up with Bruce Wayne, but neither of them initially know who he is. These are established news people, and neither of them has ever even seen a picture of Gotham's most famous resident??? I don't believe it.

 

The second one is that entire parade scene.  Have you ever tried to throw a parade, impromptu, in a city, especially one the size of Gotham? Barring the red tape need to create such an event, such as clearing the streets and police protection, just the idea that anyone, including a bigwig crime boss, could pull it off at the drop of a hat is unbelievable. But then, if the Joker had had to go through the proper channels, the whole thing would have been dead in the water at the outset, and then how would we get to that final confrontation?

One other thing that glares, although not necessarily a plot hole, is the scene where Batman, flying the Bat plane, zeroes in on the Joker, blatantly taunting him on the city street. Batman fires machine guns and a couple of missiles at the Joker and misses him completely.  With all the money that Wayne had at his disposal to have that plane built, Batman couldn't have a targeting system better equipped to perform that task?

 

The film made an astounding $250 million in American tickets alone, and $411 million world wide, putting to shame such box office dynamos of the year Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Ghostbusters II. As a Warner Bros. film, it held the rank of the highest grossing film of that studio for 7 years. (Twister, released in 1996, broke that record for WB.) Critics sometimes disparaged the movie as "too dark" but audiences loved it (yours truly included).

It would probably be negligent of me not to mention the phenomenal sales of the soundtrack, featuring a few songs made for the movie by Prince.  However, not only does Danny Elfman's soundtrack surpass anything that Prince contributes, but Prince doesn't even get featured in a scene until nearly an hour into the movie. 

Personal note: At the time this movie was released I was in the D.C. area for a working vacation, working a job during the day and attending Christian leadership conferences at night. My whole group, representing Southwest Texas State University, made a fellowship date one Saturday and saw it. A short time later one of my fellow student attendees bought a Batman logo tee and traded it to me for doing his clothes washing. Kept it for years until a medium tee would no longer fit me.

Well, folks, time to fire up the old Plymouth (which by the way is blue, not green and purple, so don't mistake me for one of the Joker's henchmen...) Drive safely, folks.

Quiggy

 

 

Life is Like a Mop

 Words of Wisdom:

"Sometimes, you just hafta take what life gives ya, 'cause life is like a mop! And sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff. You... you... you gotta clean it out. You... you... you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes... sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop... it's not good enough. It's not good enough. You... you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta... you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn't work... that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta... you gotta stand right up. You... you gotta run to a window and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

-Stanley Spadowski- 

 

And you know folks, that's really what it's all about. If life hands you a bucket of oranges, you have to say well, I didn't want lemonade anyway, and just go with it.  

Weird Al Yankovic has been a presence in the comedy/music world for going on 40+ years.  He got a start by recording a demo for Dr. Demento, a DJ who had a specialty program that played odd and funny songs.  What Weird Al gave him was a parody song he wrote based on the hit song at the time by The Knack, "My Sharona", called "My Bologna". 

The concept of parodying popular songs did not originate with Yankovic. I think that honor probably belongs to Spike Jones, a 40's era band leader who made a career out of doing goofy versions of big band songs complete with odd "musical instruments".  Wikipedia describes his output as "ballads...punctuated with gunshots, whistles, cowbells, hiccups, burps and weird and comedic vocals."

But Weird Al took it a step further.  Jones didn't often alter the main gist of the song, although he did add some extraneous stuff. (In particular, on a cover of "My Old Flame", he added a bit of dialogue from a Peter Lorre impersonator). Weird Al, on the other hand, wrote an entirely different set of lyrics, playing on a kind of "misheard lyrics" theme. Ex. He wrote "Like a Sturgeon", a parody of Madonna's hit "Like A Surgeon".

 And he parlayed that parody career into the film industry. Of course, his first recognition came as a result of videos of his songs. My favorite is "I Lost on Jeopardy", a parody of a Greg Kihn song called "Jeopardy", in which Al proves to be one of the worst contestants ever on the game show. If you haven't seen it, you really should. It featured Art Fleming and Don Pardo from the original "Jeopardy" game show, as well as Kihn, who apparently loved Al's parody. 

He became such a recognizable face that he often appeared in cameos in films.  (He was in every one of the Leslie Nielsen Naked Gun movies). Recently he even had a role in the biopic film of his life, Weird: The Al Yankovic Story. But as near as I can tell, he only had one film in which he was the star, UHF.

UHF (1989):

George is a ne'er-do-well who just can't seem to get the hang of the working life.  This is primarily due to the fact that he constantly daydreams while on the job.  The opening itself is one of those daydreams where he imagines himself as an Indiana Jones type on a quest in the jungle, this while trying to do a job as a fry cook at the burger shop Big Edna's. Big Edna fires both him and his clueless friend, Bob (David Bowe).

But the ever optimistic George thinks that success is just around the corner.  Fortunately for him, Al's Uncle Harvey (Stanley Brock) has just won the deed to a local UHF station, U62.

(A note here for those of you younger than about 50. Back in the days before cable there were only three major TV networks, ABC, CBS and ABC. Outside of that most major cities had a few non-standard TV networks, referred to as UHF stations, which aired syndicated programs (reruns), old movies and various other local programs.)

Harvey doesn't know what he is going to do with this UHF station, but his wife, and George's favorite aunt, Esther (Sue Ann Langdon) convinces Harvey to put George in charge.  George's first order of business is to try to get the station on the radar with the public, which is going to be a challenge.  The station itself is the equivalent of George's own personal life; inconsistent, unfocused and generally on the loser side of the spectrum.

But George is a dreamer.  And he comes up with a program of shows (involving many of his friends) to get the station out of the doldrums. And only in the fantasy world of offbeat cinema are ANY of thses shows hits. Not at first, of course. But they do catch on.

One of the hit shows is Raul's Wild Kingdom, which involves a buddy, Raul , who likes to keep wild animals in his apartment. Leading to one of the many bits that make this incoherent movie such a funny movie. Raul gets a delivery of animals. 

Delivery Guy: "Let's see, I got  one aardvark, one flamingo, four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers..."

Raul: "Badgers? Badgers??!! We don't need no steenkin' badgers!"

In the midst of all of the struggle to get the station running in the black we have a rival station, a real bona fide "normal" one, run by a ruthless and tactless character named R. J. Fletcher (Kevin McCarthy) who just has to be number one in the ratings. 

He is not threatened by this upstart rival, that is not until the upstart rival starts getting its shows rated higher than the ones at Fletcher's station... Now, this means war!

As a subplot (what the hell, they are really ALL subplots), the shows continue through transformations.  For instance, originally George was the host of a children's show called Uncle Nutzy's Playhouse, but George "Uncle Nutzy" could not connect with the kids. Enter Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards), a guy who is the station's janitor (and a bit of a mental "giant") who takes over. One of his lines in the show (quoted at the start of this piece, and also the source of the title of the blog entry) is a huge hit. (Only in the Weird Al film world...)

As a side to all the drama involved in the main story, George is trying to keep his own romantic relationship on track. George's girlfriend, Teri (Victoria Jackson), is becoming frustrated with George's lack of initiative. She tries her best to get him to straighten up and buckle down and become a productive member of society, but it is an uphill battle.

To just encapsulate this movie is quite frankly impossible.  I would have to resort to quotes, and some of them hinge on being able to visually see the scene in question to really get the full impact. For instance, just watch this clip:

See? If I had just said three Japanese guys jump out of a supplies closet and shouted "Supplies!" it would have not had the same impact. 

The ultimate battle between George and Fletcher comes down to the need to raise some money to save the UHF station from the clutches of Fletcher, who, of course, does not want the station for it's potential profits. He wants it so he can shut it down.

So in the grand old tradition of the likes of an Andy Hardy movie, what is George's solution?  Why, a telethon (much like PBS and their annual telethons to raise money to keep PBS afloat. Only with more comic turns in it in 5 minutes than a full night's programming has on that other highbrow network...)

A list of the cast of characters involved in the U62 lineup is indicative of the type of stuff that Weird Al infused into this film:

We have the rising star Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards) of Stanley Spadowski's Playhouse:

Raul (Trinidad Silva) of Raul's Wild Kingdom:

Kuni (Gedde Watanabe) on Wheel of Fish:

Philo (Anthony Geary) on Secrets of the Universe: 

And let's not forget the outstanding news team of reporter Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher) and her cameraman Noodles MacIntosh (Billy Barty):

 

The essence of UHF is basically one convoluted daydream of George. Think of it as an ADHD fantasy. It's not exactly Amazon Women on the Moon in terms of no stream of plot, since the background of George's battle with Fletcher et.al. delivers something to hold the parodies and skits together, but if you are not paying attention to the story, it still has it's own merit as a comedy.

And one of the things that I think when watching George's attempts to try to find entertaining programming is: Is anything that's on the current real world TV of NBC, ABC and CBS any better. My opinion is a resounding "NO!". I don't even watch network TV because it's mostly pretty useless and repetitive... Hell, I'd take Wheel of Fish over anything I've recently watched. But then, I loved The Gong Show, a game show which basically had a host making fun of his show's contestants in much the same way.

UHF, needless to say, was not a huge hit, which explains why Yankovic never made another solo movie. It didn't even clear enough money to break even ($6 million budget, but only $5 million in tickets).  And of course, the classic "no fun" team of Siskel and Ebert pretty much trashed the film.  But it does have it's own niche of fans. It is currently rated at 6.9 out of 10 on IMDb and has a 63% on the Tomatometer on Rotten Tomatoes. The "cult movie" status is enough to give me hope that one day Weird Al will be ranked up there with some of the greats, if not with the likes of Brando or Fonda, at least with the likes of  Bruce Campbell and Tim Curry.

UHF is currently available online. You can watch the entire extravaganza for free if you want.

That wraps up this time. Hope you have a good day.  Me, I'm going to go check out how to make plutonium from common household items.  (Thanks, Philo.)

Quiggy

Be NIce...Until...

 

When the summer of 1989 rolled around I was a student at Southwest Texas State University (since renamed Texas State University).  I was heavily involved in an on-campus Christian group called The Great Commission.  At that time (I have no idea whether the program is still in effect), the on-campus group held an annual event every year in which those of us with the funds would pack up and move to Washington D.C. area for a leadership conference.  Essentially we got full time jobs during the day and attended leadership conferences at night.

I admit even today that I was not cut out to be a church leader.  Hell, I'm probably lucky to even be in God's good graces. If God is patient, (and people who are devout will tell you He is) then He has his work cut out for Him, in my case.

At any rate, I was in D,C. are when this movie came out.  By the time I actually had the opportunity to see it, it had already made it's run through theaters and was on it's last legs in the $1 theaters. (Yes folks, there was a time when you could actually go to see a movie for a $1.  But, to be fair, a regular price ticket was only about $6 ..)

I only vaguely remembered this film before watching again today.  I remembered, of course, Swayze as a top dog bouncer, and I remembered Kevin Tighe (formerly from one of my sister's favorite TV shows Emergency!) as the owner of a bar who entices Swayze's character to come work for him.  And that's about it.

Swayze was always a stud in my opinion, but he had some tendencies to playing less than he-man characters over the years.  Consider: He was a man's man in such films as Uncommon Valor,  Red Dawn, Steel Dawn, and to some extent The Outsiders.  But he was also in such less man-friendly films such as Dirty Dancing, Ghost and of course Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Don't get me wrong.  I actually liked some of those films, but being a gung-ho type movie buff, I gravitated to ones where he was kicking ass and taking names as opposed to ones where he making women swoon.

Which brings us to Roadhouse. This movie was directed by a guy credited as "Rowdy Herrington" , and if this movie is an indication that "Rowdy" nickname is not a misnomer.  I think the director was in the cutting room saying something like "O.K. we've been 5 minutes without a fight, it's time to stick another one in...".

Roadhouse (1989):

Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is the top dog bouncer at a bar in New York City. (Note I see credits for his first name being "James" but I can't recall it ever being mentioned in the movie.  Everybody call him "Dalton"). Dalton has such a reputation that all you have to say his name and everybody gives a low whistle and says "Dalton?" Man he's the best."

 

Into his world comes Frank Tilghman (Kevin Tighe). Frank is the owner of the Double Deuce, a bar in Missouri that he wants to invest money and time in to make a profitable venture.  The town is on the outskirts of Kansas City, according to the early dialogue, but the actual town is Jasper.

 

(OK, so something you need to know here is that the real town of Jasper, Missouri has nothing to do with the town in the movie.  For one thing the real Jasper is WAY too small to even support a bar of the size of the Double Deuce. But the real issue I have with the prospect of hiring Dalton for this venture will pan out over the course of this review).

The town of Jasper is basically being run by a mob boss wannabe by the name of  Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara).  It becomes evident that Brad has the run of the town, and has everyone trembling at his feet.  He has everyone paying protection to him to be allowed to function within the town.  He also has the law enforcement under his thumb.  (Which explains how no cops seem to ever show up when fights break out.)

The first thing that Dalton demands from Frank is $5000 up front and $500 a day as the top dog.  Which brings one to wonder how much money a small town bar expects to bring in on a daily basis...

You can see from the beginning that Dalton has his work cut out for him.  This bar makes the average Western saloon look like a mom and pop fine diner.  There are more bottle flying and fists pumping in the space of a minute than you can even keep count.  The waitresses are selling extracurricular enhancements, the bartenders are skimming the till, and the bouncers are not pulling their own weight.  One of Dalton's rules at the beginning is that he must be given free reign to make the changes he deems necessary.  Which includes getting rid of the excess weight.

HE sets down the law with his three rules:

1. Never underestimate your opponent. Always expect the unexpected.

2. Take it outside.  Never start anything in the bar unless it's absolutely necessary.

3. Be nice. Until its time to not be nice.

Of course, these new rules do not necessarily set well, not just with unruly patrons, but even with former employees.  And time and again Dalton goes out to the parking lot to find his car has been vandalized.  But he takes it in stride.

He finds a place to live, a room on a dilapidated farm owned by an old geezer named Emmett (Sunshine Parker).  And he finds time to develop a relationship with Dr. Clay (Kelly Lynch), the local female doctor.  Making for one of the screen's most quick romances.  He just meets her and they fall in bed together (oh the charm of Swayze..)

 

 

It takes almost half the movie to introduce the real conflict, however, that of the villain of the film. Wesley.  Wesley develops an intense dislike for Dalton, some of it due to the fact that he is helping turn the Double Deuce into a better and more profitable place (which probably irks him more because he can't dip his fingers in the pie...)  But also because Dalton is developing a relationship wit Dr. Clay, a girl that Wesley once had, but apparently lost sometime in the past.  (Could it be because he is an unprincipled jackass...?)

 

Wesley and his hoodlums cause all kinds of ruckus, including the demolishing of the local auto parts place (ostensibly because the owner would.t pay he protection racket fees.)  But eventually he sets his sights on getting rid of Dalton one way or another.  Dalton has some help however, when his mentor, Wade (Sam Elliot) shows up and helps him kick some villain butt.  

 

But even this is not eventually enough.  And Dalton has a decision to make, either stay and fight, or just get out while the getting is good.  It turns out, however, that Dalton has his choice made for him by the actions of Wesley.

 So is this a good movie?  Well, as I mentioned there is a couple of major plot point that just doesn't make sense.  For one, I find it hard to believe that small town bar is such a going concern (even if it is on the outskirts of Kansas City). And how a town located that close to a major metropolis could have a small time hoodlum exercising that much control over the operations seems to be a bit far-fetched.

One of the things I mentioned in the beginning is this movie seems to be just  looking for a fight to happen.  It seems like every five or ten minutes a fight breaks out just to break up the monotony of dialogue and character interaction.  And they are quite a few dead bodies by the end of it, but most of those crop up in the final 10 minutes.  Looked at from a different angle, you could say it's one big fight scene broken up by the occasional breaks of dialogue...

You should know that the movie did get nominated for several Razzies including Worst Actor, Worst Director and Worst Picture (but fortunately for this outing it came out the same year as that turkey Star Trek V The final Frontier. There are some things that just deserve to be left on the dung heap) 

I wouldn't say this is a movie every action film fan should watch.  I wouldn't even say you should watch it if you want to be called a Swayze completist.   But if you have an hour and a half to kill and don't want to get into anything too deep, it's not too bad.

Quiggy